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It was probably a good thing that Tango wasn’t looking too hard out the windows of his spacecraft.
The magnificent vistas of the cosmos surrounded him, sure, and planet Hermit sat below, a shining blue-green jewel that served only to embolden him in his mission.
But that wasn’t the only thing out of the window.
If he’d looked, really looked into the blackness as hard as he could, he’d have noticed that some of the stars weren’t stars at all.
Ghostly white eyes, shrouded over with cataracts, watching the little craft as it rocketed away from the fragile blue dot and into the uncaring darkness of the void between worlds.
The eyes followed the ship, slipping into the fabric of the universe and sliding along the fourth dimension until they could take another sightless taste of the rocket’s exhaust.
They listened.
They tasted.
They smelled.
And they did not see.
But they did hear when the hoof of a horse, brought along for comfort by a desperate man, smashed into a critical component.
The science of man, brought low by his follies. Without that computer, it was quite likely that the rocket would miss its intercept and sail clean past the moon and into the void beyond. And so far from Hermitcraft, who was to say if Tango would respawn at all?
The eyes stared, unblinking and unseeing, and they…felt…a tug. A tug of emotion, a tug of love and care from a small body on a world far below them.
Friendship, the memories whispered. Sunsets. Pranks. A diamond lost. Swimming in cool water, Red eyes seeing the magic of a simple little powder and spinning it into ingenious contraptions.
A simple creature of flesh and blood and flame, risking his fragile form to the cruelties of space out of love for his friends.
The eyes understood, and turned their blind gaze to an errant asteroid, captured by Hermitcraft’s gravity.
“Stupid horse,” Tango muttered, “Why did I even bring you?!”
“I advised you-“
“Can it, Holsten.” Tango growled, clutching his helmeted head as he surveyed the utterly ruined circuits of the computer. It was sparking and smoking, the imprint of a hoof’s edge having cracked the delicate quartz casing.
Adequate, for his part, was at least looking nervous in the corner. The horse couldn’t have any comprehension of what he’d just done, but at least he had the common decency to look ashamed.
Or at least as ashamed as a horse could possibly look through a helmet, which wasn’t saying much.
Tango sat down on the floor. He was so, so dead. Without that computer, they were completely screwed. It wasn’t like this tin can had a steering wheel to manually fly them to their destination- and without that, the best he could hope for would be arriving on the moon headfirst, like a missile.
That wasn’t an appealing thought.
“Holsten? Any ideas?” Tango croaked.
“I would suggest updating your will.” Holsten snipped, and Tango growled.
“I said SUGGESTIONS.” Tango snarled, “I’m the astronaut, now HELP ME.”
There was a long pause.
“I…Suggest…” Holsten’s voice was…strangely stammery, and Tango glanced up. For a fraction of a second, he could have sworn he saw something black and pulsing sliding into the comms relay through one of the access ports.
“I suggest stopping at Pass n’ Gas!” Holsten said, suddenly very chipper…and more concerningly, without any of his robotic inflection. It sounded like Holsten had suddenly grown a rather raspy and organic mouth to speak with behind the speaker cover, and Tango stared at it in shock.
“…Holsten? Buddy? You feeling alright?”
“Tango I am experiencing a critical mal…mal…mal… mal…” Holsten said, back to harsh and automated, and then-
“I will guide you over to Pass N’ Gas! They will surely have a targeting computer!” Holsten said, back to bright and cheerful.
Tango swallowed and took a step back from the computer bank.
“Holsten? Run a diagnostic for me.” Tango said, “on- on yourself.”
“There has been an [UNAUTHORIZED] update to my firmware!” Holsten said brightly, “there is absolutely [EVERYTHING] to be concerned about!”
The rocket jerked then, and Tango felt it start to rotate- the turning operation so it could land jets-down on a solid surface.
His stomach clenched in terror.
“HOLSTEN!” He shouted, “HOLSTEN, CANCEL THE TURNING OPERATION!”
“I’m afraid I can’t do that, Tango.” Holsten said in a wholly mechanical voice, and Tango screamed in rage.
“REALLY?! REALLY?! WE’RE QUOTING 2001 NOW?!”
“I don’t have a choice, Tango.” Holsten added, and then-
The rocket juddered violently as the backblast from the jets against a solid surface caused it to shake madly. Tango grabbed onto the back of his captain’s chair and Adequate screamed in horsey terror. There was a distant CLUNK of redstone-powered landing feet extending, and then-
The engines cut out with a groan. The shaking stopped. Tango glanced up at the comms relay.
It looked perfectly normal.
He stood up and glanced out the window and his heart damn near stopped.
“Is…is that a Pass N’ Gas?” he croaked, rubbing his forehead.
“Yes! They have spare parts there!” Holsten said brightly, in that weird raspy organic voice. “I will run a few tests to see what is wrong with my speech module. You go get us a new nav computer!”
Tango shuddered.
Nevertheless, he opened the outside door and looked out.
The small, airless asteroid should have been spinning wildly out of control. It was shaped like a cratered potato, huge pockmarks from ancient asteroid strikes marring its dull grey surface. Not a tree, not a flower, not a blade of grass, not a puddle. Not a song, not a sound, not a soul.
An empty, lifeless rock that had been that way since the sun was born, and should have died that way too.
Should have.
If it weren’t for the Pass N’ Gas squatting on top of it like a wood-and-sandstone parasite.
Tango swallowed and climbed down the ladder, hands gripping each rung tightly. Above him, Holsten closed the access hatch with a hiss; wouldn’t do to have Adequate falling to his death, although on the much lower gravity of the Asteroid, it was anyone’s guess how much damage that fall would do.
None of this made any sense.
“Holsten?” Tango asked, “You still with me, buddy?”
“Yes, Tango.” Holsten was back to his mechanical voice, and for the first time, that was a comfort.
“Holsten, now I’m out of the rocket, you want to tell me what was wrong with your voice back there?”
“I- I do not know.” Holsten admitted, overemphasizing the stammer. A stammer that he was doing very much on purpose, Tango knew, to try and impart some emotion onto his monotone voice. And wasn’t that a worry- whatever had happened in there was so bad the smug prick AI was going out of his way to sound scared.
“Run a diagnostic. I’m going to go see if this Pass N’ Gas has any spaceship parts I can steal.” Tango said, a lot more confidently than he felt.
“Will do. Are you sure this is a good idea, Tango?” Holsten asked.
“Nnnnope. But it’s the only option we got. So run diagnostics on literally everything, and get back to me when you’re done.” Tango said, taking his first steps across the surface of another world.
Every footfall sent up small clouds of dust, leaving perfect bootprints in his wake that would last until the last star burnt out. No wind or waves here to erode them, after all.
Tango walked by a cliff that jutted high into the non-sky above him. Its rock was cracked and broken; the wall of some ancient crater, thrust up by impact instead of scoured out by water.
Space was terrifying. Cool, but terrifying.
The Pass n’ Gas was close now, and Tango swallowed, stepping close.
Something in one of the windows moved.
“Great. Holsten, I don’t think I’m alone out here.”
“Wonderful. Our first contact with alien life and our ambassador is mister Tango Tek. I will prepare a planetwide statement of unconditional surrender.”
Tango snorted.
“Thanks, Holsten.”
“You’re welcome, Tango.”
Tango walked up to the station, running a fingertip along the wall. He frowned, and did it again. His space suit was muffling a lot of the sensation, but there was no mistaking that- the wall wasn’t solid.
It was soft.
It was squishy.
And it was pulsing.
“Oh, good.” Tango muttered.
If he wasn’t completely and utterly screwed in every conceivable way, he’d have turned around and sprinted for his rocketship.
But…Hermitcraft.
And more importantly, without a nav computer, he’d never be able to get home again. He’d run out of air, trapped in a tin can with a jackass AI and a stupid, STUPID horse.
Tango groaned and walked around front, pushing the door open.
His heart stopped.
For a fraction of a second-
Tango caught a flash of ropes of black flesh, cataract-covered eyes staring at him from every surface. Mouths yawned open, rows of teeth. A glowing pustule dangling from a single tentacle suspended from the ceiling. And in front-
And then he blinked.
Barrels. A wooden floor. A single lightbulb hanging from a wire, like every other pass N’ Gas they’d built. A shulker box for accidents. Nothing had any labels, there were no signs- like someone had torn them all off.
And behind the counter-
“Hello!” A friendly voice called, and Tango’s jaw dropped.
The door hissed closed.
“Welcome to Big Eyes Interstellar Pass N’ Gas!” Keralis said brightly.
“Keralis? What are you doing here!” Tango said, feeling a bone-deep relief at seeing a friendly face in this bizarre place.
“Welcome!” he repeated with that same vacant grin, as though he hadn’t heard a word Tango said, “Big Eyes Interstellar Pass n’ Gas! How can I help you?”
“Oh, maybe it’s my helmet-“ He said, glancing down. Keralis wasn’t wearing one, so, maybe-
Tango checked his wrist readout.
ATMOSPHERE: BREATHABLE.
Okay, well…
“Tango,” Holsten said, “I would strongly advise NOT TAKING YOUR HELMET OFF.”
“But Keralis isn’t wearing one!” Tango protested, already undoing the latches.
“TANGO- TANGO-“ Holsten’s voice cut out as he pulled off the helmet.
Tango took a deep breath and grinned.
The air was warm and moist, a bit humid, and with a slight whiff of freshly butchered meat. The faint scent of blood and the slightest whiff of rot.
“Keralis!” he said, “What the hell are you doing in here, man?”
Keralis’s eyes were…weird. Clouded over with white cataracts, and he wasn’t…making eye contact. Actually, he wasn’t looking at Tango properly at all- his gaze was focused on a spot in the middle of Tango’s forehead.
“Tango! I could ask the same of you. Do you like it? Big eyes Interstellar Pass N’ Gas!” Keralis said, and Tango watched as his mouth moved…a bit too much.
“When did we branch our operation into outer space!?” Tango asked, spinning around.
Keralis giggled, high and keening and with a bizarre echo that seemed to rattle off the walls.
“Business is absolutely booming, Tango! I’ve been here for a few months now!” He said cheerfully.
That didn’t answer Tango’s question, but the longer he stared into those sightless eyes, the less he cared.
Why had he been so afraid? It was just Keralis. Keralis, his buddy and business partner. The soft-spoken builder wouldn't hurt a fly- he sucked at PVP anyway.
“You've been secretly branching out the business, I’m impressed!” Tango said brightly.
There was a loud, muffled squawk from the comms in his helmet- Holsten yelling SNAP OUT OF IT!
A jolt of electricity arced from his wrist mounted communicator to his arm under Holsten’s desperate command, a snap of pain that made Tango yelp. And for a fraction of a second-
[Keralis’s face was like a half-melted wax carving made by a child. Too many teeth yawned out of too many mouths, a dozen sightless eyes stared back at him. The soft hair curled like snakes, made of nothing but more ropey tendrils of unearthly ooze. Cords of the same icky filthy wrapped around his limbs like an armature on a puppet, and the eyes, the EYES-]
And then he blinked and Keralis was back to smiling at him with those blank, sightless eyes.
“Business is booming!” he repeated brightly, “That enderchest there is full of D-d-diamonds!” he sang the last few notes, and Tango chuckled, turning around and cracking it open.
He stared.
And stared.
Pearl-white eyes gleamed out of the depths of the chest, nested in a bed of diamonds, and he grinned.
“Damn, you’re doing well for yourself out here! So what, what are you selling?”
“Rocket parts, mostly!” Keralis was still grinning, still way too wide, and Tango didn’t care.
Couldn’t care.
Holsten was screaming at him, and he put the annoying helmet on the counter.
Tango didn’t see it when a tendril of black bubbled up from the underside of the counter and slipped inside his helmet.
“Well, this is amazing. I’m actually just in my rocketship now- I’m trying to save Hermitcraft- and my horse- look, it’s a long story, but my horse kicked out my navigation computer. I need a new one. Do you have any?”
“Oh, yes! We just got a delivery yesterday!” Keralis said brightly, turning from where he was leaning on the counter and moving stiffly and jerkily to the end of the counter.
He blindly smacked the top of a barrel.
“Rocket parts! Just what you need!”
Tango grinned and cracked the rather soft and squishy barrel open.
Inside were several new navigational computers, plus a tangled jumble of blippy things. He grinned and straightened up.
“Oh, man, you are a lifesaver! Okay, how much is this gonna cost me?”
“I’d never rip off a fellow big eye! Tell you what, since you’re my first customer- you get it for free! And take a blippy thing too!” Keralis said, still with that ceaseless smile.
“Buy one nav computer, get one blippy thing totally free? Man, I love it. Thank you so much!” he said, kneeling down and pulling out one of each.
“Spank you!” Keralis said. He picked up Tango’s helmet and offered it to him.
Tango took it gratefully.
“No, man, thank YOU. Without this mission, Hermitcraft is doomed.”
“Doomed?” he asked innocently.
“The moon, man! The moon! Have you not seen the moon?” he asked, and Keralis shook his head- far past the range a normal human would have. It looked like he was trying to wrench his own neck off his shoulders.
“No, No. I’ve been here for months. What’s the moon doing?”
“The moon, man! It’s getting big, it’s gonna crash into Hermitcraft! I built this computer, it’s a whole lot smarter than me- Anyway, it told me what I have to do. I gotta get to the moon and blow it up, or we’re all totally dead!” Tango said emphatically.
Keralis nodded.
“I believe in you, Tango. I believe in you. You can do it!” he said sweetly, and Tango grinned.
“Thanks, man.”
Tango didn’t notice the black tendrils climbing up the back of his suit and sinking into his life-support system as he put his helmet back on.
He didn’t notice the slight bzzt as something inside his helmet sliced a few critical cables connecting his comms to the speakers.
He didn’t notice as Keralis’s hat melted into his head and dripped onto the floor behind him.
He waved goodbye to Keralis and stepped out onto the asteroid’s surface, his new nav computer in his inventory.
He didn’t notice as the door behind him closed with a splat instead of a clank and a hiss.
“Holsten! What’s the status on that diagnostic I asked you to run?” Tango asked.
“Everything is perfectly fine! Except the navigational computer, obviously.” Holsten said brightly, in that same somewhat-organic voice from before.
Strangely, Tango didn’t feel the same spike of soul-deep fear that that tone caused him earlier. It sounded so much nicer, so much more natural. It really suited Holsten, honestly.
“Well okay! Finally, some good news. I got a new nav computer and even a backup blippy thing, so let’s blow this joint.”
A few minutes later and he was climbing back into his rocket. A few more minutes after that and the remnants of the Nav computer was ripped out and stuffed in the cargo hold with the TNT.
Neither Tango nor Holsten commented on the fact that his new nav computer made a splat when it hit the counter, nor when it plugged itself into the mainframe.
“Well that’s it!” Tango said, poking at one of the soft, pulsing buttons on the computer, “We’re good to go! Holsten, take it away.”
“Please take your seats. Three…two…one…”
As they rocketed away, the Pass N’ Gas melted into a network of tendrils that sank into the ground of the asteroid. It started to dissolve at their touch, great boreholes rotted by the void-stuff’s juices. The ancestral rock of the solar system melting into black syrup which the tendrils greedily slurped down.
As the asteroid slowly melted into so much soup, a single man-shaped lump of pulsating void-flesh stood on one of the last untouched specks of stone.
Watching with hungry, sightless eyes as the rocket flew towards the moon.