Work Text:
It was a pool party, to celebrate Etho singlehandedly spending all of his money on ladders.
At least, that was Keralis’s reasoning for calling them over to his mansion. Really, they didn’t need much excuse to screw around in the opulent infinity pool; it was basically the Big Eye Crew’s unofficial meeting room at that point.
Bdubs soared over the glimmering sea, a huge grin on his face as he fired another rocket. His mossy elytra flapped automatically- some unknown ender tech letting them respond like actual limbs, albeit without the sensory feedback that, say, Grian had with his own feathery wings.
Keralis’s mansion loomed into view, opulent as it always was, and Bdubs sniffed; the campfire was crackling, but the grill wasn’t going yet. Oh well, there’d be time for that later.
Tango zipped up next to him, the man’s flaming elytra flapping against the orange evening air.
They both banked down and landed on the helipad without much chatter, walking over to the front doors of the gleaming mansion. Keralis’s yacht bobbed in the water nearby, along with his gunboat; neither really had an engine, since Xisuma hadn’t installed any plugins for motors, but that was fine. They were beautiful as they were.
Keralis wasn’t inside his house, and Tango shrugged and gestured at one of the two guest rooms.
“I’m gonna go get changed, he’s probably out back.”
Bdubs nodded, already heading for an unoccupied ground-floor bathroom to get into his own swim shorts.
It took a few minutes of fumbling to get out of his clothes and get them all safely packed into his ender chest (along with everything else, couldn’t be too careful) and Bdubs stepped out to see Tango, adjusting his sunglasses and in a pair of bright red board shorts.
“Seriously, dude? Mossy swim trunks?” Tango said, gesturing at Bdubs.
He shrugged.
“I got a theme going, what can I say? ‘Sides, they match my eyes.”
Tango lowered his sunglasses and looked into Bdubs’s perpetually-bloodshot and mostly-crazed eyes. “Uh-huh.”
Bdubs folded his arms. “You’re just jealous because I’m a fashion icon and you’re not!”
“Fashion icon- Hey, screw you! I am the king of style!” Tango protested, “You want a fashion disaster, go talk to Keralis! I swear the guy just beat up Steve and stole his-“
“What am I stealing?” Keralis said, sashaying into the hallway with a big grin, wearing a fluffy white bathrobe and some flip-flops.
“-Shirt.” Tango finished, folding his arms, “You didn’t actually mug Steve, did you?”
Keralis snorted. “Steve? No, no. That was TFC. He stole Steve’s shirt. I bought it off him for a diamond!”
“…Right…” Bdubs said, shaking his head, “Anyway. Pool?”
Keralis grinned. “I thought you’d never ask!”
They all walked out onto the pool deck. Keralis grinned and undid the sash on his bathrobe, letting it drop to the ground and grandly revealing his very neon, VERY tiny speedo.
“DUDE!” Tango yelled, “Come on, man, I know you have a pair of swim trunks-“
Keralis giggled. “You like my swimsuit?”
“Uh,” Bdubs said, trying to tear his eyes away from the neon yellow fabric.
“Dude, go put some swim trunks on before you blind us both with that awful thing.”
“Naaaah!” Keralis giggled, before jerking his thumb at the pool. “Last one in has to muck out the horse pen!”
“OH YOU ARE ON!” BDubs shouted, and the two of them sprinted for the pool, leaving a baffled Tango standing there.
Keralis dove gracefully into the water, barely a splash as he slipped into the pool.
Bdubs hollered “CANNONBAAAAAALL!” and smashed into the deep end with enough force to totally drench a nearby deckchair.
Tango sighed.
“Ah, screw it. BELLYFLOP!”
He charged over to the pool and threw himself into the water, nearly flattening Bdubs in the process and kicking up a huge wave that swamped over Keralis’s head. There was a loud hissss as Tango’s hair slipped beneath the waves- the Blaze-hybrid did tend to steam things up when he got wet.
“Hey, hey, no bellyflops in the pool!” Keralis said with a grin as he treaded water.
“Ow,” Tango grunted, pulling himself upright and kicking to keep his head above water, “You’d think I’d remember at some point that doing that really hurts.”
“You got me all wet! How dare you!” Bdubs protested, completely ignoring the fact that he was neck-deep in chlorinated water.
He swung his arm just below the surface, tossing a colossal wave over both Keralis and Tango, who both yelped.
“OH, YOU’LL PAY FOR THAT-“
“MAKE ME!” Bdubs yelled back, rolling over and jetting away at top velocity- he was the only one of the three who could do the butterfly, and he dashed away from them, throwing huge sprays of water from both arms.
Bdubs skidded to a stop in the shallow end, turning around to see his two colleagues bearing down on him, both grinning like sharks. He looked around frantically and seized the nearest available weapon- a purple pool noodle- and began swinging it wildly.
If False had been watching, she’d have been pleased to see that Bdubs’s technique was sound- it was just his choice of weapon that was letting him down.
“BACK! COME ON, YOU COWARDS!” He yelled, only for Tango and Keralis to surface and both swat two huge waves of water at him, that both crashed over Bdubs’s head.
Bdubs bonked Tango over the head with the pool noodle. Keralis splashed both of them, and before long all three of them were laughing, laughing at the sheer stupidity of what they were doing and the joy of it all.
“Man! I need a beer,” Tango said after the giggles subsided, “K? You got any beverages for your guests?”
“Hmm? Oh, yes! I also have some nice Kvass, and Etho’s been helping me with the sweet berry wine.”
“You think Mumbo’s gotten anywhere with his vodka experiments?” Bdubs wondered, his elbows up on the pool deck.
“If he does, he’s gonna be the richest man on the server, guaranteed.” Tango rolled his eyes.
Keralis hopped out of the water with a grunt and walked towards the house, and both Bdubs and Tango watched him go.
And though it was difficult, Tango tore his eyes away from that accursed green speedo and found himself staring at the long black gash that stretched down their friend’s back.
“You ever wonder why he’s got that?” Tango mused.
“Wha- the swimsuit? Because he’s Keralis, that’s why.”
Tango rolled his eyes.
“No, not the swimsuit. I mean that weird gash down his back.”
Bdubs shrugged.
“I mean I asked X once and he just said that it’s ‘cause Keralis isn’t a human. Not like it matters, though. Name me one person on this server who’s entirely human.”
“You, Iskall, Pearl-“
“Well- I mean-“
“TFC, Hypno, xB….”
“Okay, okay, I get it!” Bdubs protested, “Fine, fine, there’s a lot of humans. But it doesn’t change anything.”
“Yeah, you’re right. I’m just wondering.” Tango mused, elbows on the pool deck and feet in the water.
Keralis came back a few minutes later with a shulker box in his hands, with NO KIDS ALLOWED written on the top. He plonked it on the pool deck and cracked it open, pulling out two bottles of his homemade beer. And, mercifully, wearing a pair of dark blue board shorts instead of his hideous speedo.
"Thank god for that," Tango muttered, paddling towards the pool's edge.
Bdubs leaped out of the water eagerly, sitting down by the shulker box and happily taking the beer. Keralis offered him a bottle opener, and with a clink, the cap was rattling on the ground. He took a sip and smacked his lips consideringly.
“Mmm. Not bad at all. You’re getting better at this.”
Keralis chuckled. “Vanilla means vanilla, and we’ve got to get a bit creative… good to know my work's been paying off.”
“I just wish X would cut the crap and install that liquor plugin already. Crafting the hard way just sucks.” Tango muttered, hauling himself out of the water and grabbing a beer of his own.
All three of them settled on some deckchairs, drinks in hand as they looked out to sea.
“Well, you know,” Keralis mused, “I think it makes the beer taste better.”
“Sure makes the first couple weeks in a new season suck, though. 'Till everyone gets their casks and vats and stuff built...” Bdubs grumbled, slugging back the remnants of his beer and shaking the empty bottle mournfully.
Keralis sighed and offered him another, and the three of them sat back and watched the dolphins playing in the ocean beyond.
“This is nice.” Keralis said with a smile. He put his beer on the ground, fiddling with his deckchair to lay it flat.
“You’re telling me.” Tango agreed, sipping his own beer and sighing.
Keralis rolled over onto his front, letting the rays of the sun beat down on his back. He closed his eyes, and both Tango and Bdubs took the opportunity to glance at the weird gash. They’d never had a chance to look at it so closely before- only ever stolen looks while Keralis was swimming, since he normally kept his shirt on.
…Normally. There were exceptions.
Tango tore his eyes away from it, and turned his gaze back to the setting sun.
“So, I was thinking,” Bdubs started.
“Ooh, you were? Now I’m scared.” Tango snarked.
“I’m shaking in my shorts,” Keralis sniggered.
“You jerks! I mean I was thinking of some opportunities to expand the business. I want diamonds, man, and we gotta get the word out about the Big Eyes shopping district. So I was thinking, maybe I could start setting up some of my perfect redstone contraptions next to people’s bases? Like, a sampler? LOOK AT WHAT PERFECT REDSTONE CAN DO FOR YOU!-kinda thing, you know?”
Tango shrugged.
“I mean, it might work. Any ideas for what you’re going to build?”
“Uh, that was…I was…sort of going to- no. I have absolutely no ideas. That’s why I’m asking you.” Bdubs admitted awkwardly.
Tango snorted.
“I mean you could try and set up a mini mob grinder or something. Useful stuff, you know? That’s up to you, though. You’re the expert.”
A soft snore broke through their conversation, and Tango glanced over to see that Keralis had fallen asleep.
A wicked grin spread across his face, and he looked up to meet an equally evil grin from Bdubs.
Both of them grabbed their communicators, glancing at the list of members.
Keralis was listed as in an AFK trance. So not only was he asleep, but he was virtually dead to the world.
Tango put a finger to his lips, and Bdubs nodded enthusiastically. They both slipped off their deckchairs as quietly as possible, tiptoeing into the house and taking turns to rummage through Keralis’s office ender chest.
(Dripping water everywhere, of course.)
Tango emerged with his prize a few seconds later- two permanent markers. He offered the green one to Bdubs, and they both sniggered.
“Teach him to fall asleep while we’re talking redstone!” Bdubs grinned, “Come on, let’s go before he wakes up.”
It was a gentle prank, as Hermitcraft went. Keralis was their business partner, and fracturing the Big Eyes alliance wouldn’t do any good when they were competing with everyone else for business.
The two of them crept back, checking their comms to make sure Keralis was still totally out of it, and both of them uncapped their markers.
Bdubs set about doodling a pile of redstone on Keralis’s arm, while Tango crouched by his back and started writing I SHOP AT BOATEM across Keralis’s shoulder blades.
He’d just finished the P in SHOP when the side of his hand gently brushed the coal-black skin at the edge of the slit. Tango glanced into the slit, his face less than ten inches from it, and-
There was an EYE staring out of the hole straight back at him.
“What the-“ Tango muttered, dropping the pen and peering into the gash. “Bdubs, you see that?”
“That’s- that’s an eye.” Bdubs said, “Why does he have a-?”
Tango shrugged.
He couldn’t stop staring at the eye.
It didn’t blink. It was clouded over with a cataract, swallowed up in the depths of the gash, staring up at the sunlit world outside its little prison.
And-
He felt an unfathomable urge, to-
To-
His hand came up, reaching out, one finger reaching down towards the eye. Of its own accord- the world around him narrowed down to just the eye, its endless staring gaze. Staring.
Staring into his soul.
“Tango?” Bdubs’s nervous voice was so distant it felt like it was echoing down a drainpipe, “Dude, I don’t think you should-“
And then the eye vanished and Tango’s fingers were touching something cold and slimy.
And it PULLED.
Keralis woke up with a screech of pain, just as Tango started shouting in terror as the THING inside his friend started pulling his arm deeper and deeper into a bottomless black pit. By rights he should have been touching- touching spine, ribs, organs, literally any comprehensible part of the inside of a person, but all he could feel as his hand sunk deeper and deeper into the miasma was freezing cold and scratching of exoskeletal claws against his skin-
He tried to summon his internal fire, to burn his arm out of its prison, but the minute the flame bloomed to life it died, snuffed out in the airless void that was-
Keralis was screaming in a language Tango didn’t understand and was starting to hurt his brain. Bdubs had grabbed his other arm and was pulling as hard as he could-
And then-
Thousands of needle-sharp teeth dug into Tango’s arm, and-
His eyes went wide.
And he saw-
Bdubs was pulling as hard as he could, shouting absolute nonsense. How, how, how had their nice little party turned into this waking nightmare!? Tango’s arm was almost entirely buried in Keralis’s back when common sense dictated it should have come out his chest or, or literally anything, and Keralis was thrashing and screaming-
And then Tango’s arm slid free of the hole, bleeding from hundreds of tiny pinpricks, and Bdubs toppled over backwards, landing on his butt on the pool deck.
“KERALIS WHAT IN GOD’S NAME WAS THAT?!” Bdubs shouted, “TANGO, ARE YOU- are…Tango?”
Tango was sitting on the ground, eyes wide and haunted. The bright red of his eyes looked utterly empty, and he just…sat there.
Breathing.
Like a marionette that had its strings chopped off.
“Tango?” Bdubs jabbed him, trying to get his attention, “Tango! TANGO WAKE UP!”
He frantically checked his comms-
Tango’s status was…was…some colour Bdubs had never seen before. He tapped it to get a closer look-
“What the hell kind of status is “Divided?” Bdubs muttered, and Keralis groaned.
“Oh, no. No, no, no-“ Keralis was mumbling, “No, not again-“
Bdubs stood up, scowling, and reached into his inventory.
He pulled out his sword and pointed it at Keralis, who was still struggling to his feet.
“WHAT. DID. YOU. DO. TO. TANGO.” Bdubs yelled, barely restraining himself from just attacking and hacking Keralis to pieces.
Keralis climbed to his feet, completely ignoring Bdubs. Just, totally and completely. He knelt down next to Tango, grabbing him by the head, tilting it back. Tango didn’t so much as twitch, just continued breathing robotically.
The lights were on, but nobody was home.
“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry-“ Keralis was mumbling, levering Tango’s jaw open, adjusting his head so their friend was staring at the sky.
“KERALIS!” Bdubs thundered.
“BdoubleO. Please. Shut. Up.” Keralis said softly.
Then he leaned forwards, and-
Keralis’s head was positioned over Tango’s his own mouth open, like some weird socially-distanced idea of a predatory kiss. There was a huge gap between them, and then-
Bdubs watched in absolute horror as something hideous and black started to drip out of Keralis’s mouth. Long thin tendrils with bulbous tips, like water droplets on a spider web, dangling down and sliding towards Tango’s face.
Something orange started to glow from the depths of a giant blob of black ooze; a shining ball of light that looked like a spherical flame. It snapped and twisted, entangled as it was in the horrid black sludge, as though it was desperately trying to free itself.
The slime released the glowing ball overtop of Tango’s mouth and it tumbled, falling straight down and sliding down his throat. The glow vanished, a heart-stopping second passed-
And Tango screamed.
He shoved Keralis away and scrambled back as fast as he could, eyes wide and body shaking.
“TANGO! TANGO, ARE YOU OKAY!?” Bdubs shouted, and Tango just- just-
He was shaking, shaking like a leaf in a hurricane.
“What…what…are…you?” Tango croaked, and Keralis stood up and held up his open palms.
“I need both of you to look at me.” He said, voice calm and even.
“LIKE HELL WE ARE! TANGO, CALL X, WE GOTTA-“
“I said. Both of you. Look at me. Now.” Keralis repeated, his face utterly emotionless, staring straight at Bdubs.
“I- I- uh-“ Bdubs said, suddenly unable to tear his eyes away from Keralis’s gaze.
“Go to sleep.” Keralis whispered, and Bdubs felt his entire body shake with a wave of tiredness, like he’d been awake for a week straight and was standing next to the softest bed imaginable.
“Go to sleep.” Keralis repeated, his eyes boring through Bdubs.
“…no…” Bdubs mumbled, tightening his grip on his- his-
When had he dropped his sword?
“Go to sleep.”
Keralis was walking closer to them, still whispering that endless refrain. Something thumped behind him- Bdubs couldn’t tear his eyes away to check, but he was pretty sure that was Tango conking out.
No. No. NO. NO.
“…Not…happening…” Bdubs grunted, swaying violently. He was so tired-
No.
Get mad. Don’t give in. Get angry. Don’t give in.
“Go to sleep.”
“Like…Hell…” Bdubs grunted, and when had Keralis gotten so close, when-
He swung at Keralis, snarl on his lips, fist crashing into teeth and knocking one loose.
Those ice blue eyes filled his vision.
“I’M GONNA RIP YOUR HEAD OFF!” Bdubs screamed, swinging again, and again, lunging forwards and slamming Keralis into the pool deck by the neck.
All he could see were those eyes.
He was punching, now, smashing Keralis’s face in, anger clouding his thoughts.
Someone was holding him, gently rubbing the back of his head.
He knocked a tooth loose, screaming “WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU?! WHAT DO YOU WANT WITH US?!”
There was something whispering to him, eyes- all he could see were the eyes-
And then Keralis smiled at him, teeth missing and eyes swollen shut. Lying on his back on the tiles. Lip split and bleeding.
“You’re already dreaming, Bubbles.” He whispered.
Bdubs’s eyes slammed shut.
The last thing he felt was a pair of hands catching him before he cracked his head on the concrete.
Bdubs jolted awake with a scream, swinging his fists wildly. Panic, pure animal panic was slamming through his veins, and he thrashed-
“Whoa! Whoa, man, calm down there!” Tango said, catching Bdubs’ fist. “Jeez, dude, you alright? You must have hit your head pretty hard.”
“I- what?” Bdubs said, sitting up and looking around.
Keralis’s pool. He was lying on one of the sun loungers, both Keralis and Tango leaning over him with concerned looks on their faces.
Something about Keralis sent a small stab of fear through his heart, that quickly faded. Bdubs racked his brains.
“Why am I over here? What happened? Weren’t we doodling on Keralis a second ago?” he asked.
Tango nodded. “Yep. We were. We got caught.”
Keralis grinned. “You both slipped and hit your heads real bad while you were running away. I made some potions to help you feel better?”
He held up a healing potion, and Bdubs took it warily.
“Are you…sure?” he said cautiously.
Tango shrugged. “That’s what K said happened. I woke up a few minutes ago. We really must have bonked our heads hard.”
Bdubs swallowed. The fear and anxiety was dissipating, along with the unease in his heart.
“I- I guess. I hope I don’t have a concussion.” He said, and Keralis shook his head.
“Nope! I checked. You’re both in great shape.”
“Alright.” Bdubs popped the cork on the healing potion and swigged it down, feeling a tickle as it sealed up a bunch of cuts and scrapes he didn’t know he’d had.
He tossed the bottle and listened to it smash someplace in Keralis’s flowerbed, slowly standing up from the lounger and looking around.
“Since we’re busted…K, you still got that grill, right?”
“Yep!” Keralis said brightly, “Anyone for burgers?”
“ME!” Tango and Bdubs chorused.
They followed Keralis to the iron grill, big grins on everyone’s faces.
And as they walked, Tango noticed something strange.
Ten minutes ago, Keralis’s gash had yawned open like a mouth. Now, though, it had sprouted teeth all along the edges, clamping itself closed.
He pondered that thought for a second, before a rumble of his stomach dissuaded him.
Keralis was a weird guy, he had his reasons.
And hey!
BURGERS!