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“Let me rephrase so I can try and understand if I got it right…”
Fury sighs as he pinches the bridge of his nose.
“A group of your people went rogue," he begins.
“Yes," Talos’ voice is calm. Emotionless, even. Fury hates him so much right now.
“And they thought they could make a living as mercenaries.”
“Correct.”
“And the Collector, being the giant asshole that he is, hired them to add the Black Widow to his prized possessions.”
“Exactly.”
“And so they thought it would be a great idea to kidnap her.”
“More or less," Talos shrugs. Why would he shrug? Fury hates him so much.
“But she was with Hill at the time. And they put up a fight. A big one, as they do.”
“Obviously.”
“And so after they managed to incapacitate them, only God knows how, the rogue mercenaries thought it would be better to use Skrull technology to put them in some kind of virtual reality for the interstellar trip? So they wouldn’t attempt an escape, right?” Fury is rolling his one eye because he is so done. Oh so done.
“Right.”
And he hates Talos.
“And it was a Western-like virtual reality, for unknown reasons (for fuck's sake)…"
“Sí, señor," Talos thinks he's so funny.
“And now they’ve called you because they can’t wake them up. They've tried to go into the VR, but Hill and Romanoff kicked their asses… and they don't want to complete the job. They turned around, and they just want to give them back. Correct?"
“Apparently.”
He is done. For real.
“And that’s not everything, because something went wrong in said VR, and Hill and Romanoff have… sort of… taken over it?”
“Sort of.”
After this is taken care of, he'll punch Talos smirk to the moon and back.
“And now the only way I’ve got of rescuing my agents is to go into said VR and try to reason with them so they wake up and leave it willingly.”
“Yep.”
“Because if we just disconnect them they’ll die?”
“Pretty much.”
He'll kill him. He knows he's not technically responsible for this, but he shouldn't be grinning like that. He shouldn't have called him saying "so, hey, Nick, some asshole that used to be in my crew kidnapped your murder daughters. Haha sorry." He shouldn't have. Talos, a friend? Nope. A big ass. A stupid ass. He hates him.
He's about to scream, a lot. But of course, Barton jumps in like an overdramatic diva.
“I’ll go, sir!"
If only it was Barton. There's Belova, too.
“Me too. Natasha’s my sister.”
“Well, they are both my best friends!”
“Don’t try your white guy man-pain on me, old man!”
"You little s–"
After this, if he solves this mess, he's taking a vacation. Indefinitely. Away from archers and Russian spies and second-in-commands who apparently can't keep from getting in trouble no matter how competent they are.
“Enough, you two!”
“But –“
“Save it. You’re both going, Belova.”
“When?”
Fury's nostrils flare and he has to refrain from swearing, again.
“Now, obviously! Go!”
The archer and the spy take off. Despite the circumstances, Yelena can't hide her excitement.
“We're in a spaceship. This is so cool. Beam me up, Yoda.”
Barton's eyes go wide.
“What? That’s not–”
Yelena shrugs at him.
“What? May the Spock be with you?”
“God, no! Please just – shut up!”
As Barton and Belova run across the large hallway of the Skrull ship that's been orbiting Earth for a few days now, Fury sighs. He's so done. This time he is. Really.
“I hate you," Fury says aloud, not taking his gaze from his agents.
Talos smiles. Fury should've punched him. But he's old. And he really needs a vacation.
“No, you don't," Talos nods his head toward the darkness. "Come, my old friend. This should be fun."
Fifteen minutes later, Clint and Yelena watch as Soren checks Maria and Natasha's vitals. Talos' crew is checking the device and monitoring the VR on their consoles. Romanoff and Hill have their eyes closed with frowned expressions on their faces, but they don't seem to be in pain at all. They're held upside down in a metal structure. There are beams of light coming out of the machine into their temples.
On the floor, a bunch of incapacitated rogue Skrulls are tied together, most of them groaning from the fight against Talos' people.
"It's always aliens," Clint murmurs to himself.
Yelena frowns.
"Excuse me?"
"Loki. The Chitauri. Thanos. Rogue Skrulls. Whatever goes wrong in my life – it's always aliens."
Yelena scoffs and looks at him with wide eyes. She doesn't hold back.
"That's a pretty xenophobic comment, old man, and you should be very careful because after doing the whole cultural appropriation thing with the Ronin and then going on a killing spree targeting immigrants, you're on very thin ice."
"They were criminals," Clint swallows hard.
Yelena's eyebrow raises.
"All of them? Because all criminals are immigrants?"
"That's not what I –"
Fury enters the room and puts an end to their banter.
"Don't start, you two."
Clint is about to protest. Fury rises one hand at him, then takes a look at Hill and Romanoff.
He turns to Talos.
"Why are they upside down?"
His green friend shrugs, "It helps with the process."
"Carol told me you did this to her."
"Yeah, and I told her I was sorry many, many times."
Fury rolls his eye.
"But I thought this device was a memory probe. How come they're trapped in a VR world?"
"These morons repurposed it, I guess," Talos kicks one of the mercenaries and he shrugs at the offended look it grants him. "And it's not a fine job. Maybe that's why they can't get out. It's filled with bugs and the code is so ugly."
One of the mercenaries starts screaming.
"You don't know what you're getting into! We thought if we created a hostile environment they didn't know, it would be safer but… we tried to go in to wake them up and they – they're – "
The guy starts sobbing like a child and the rest of the group just nod with haunted looks in their eyes. Talos and Fury share a look. Surely, it can't be that bad, right?
"Soren," Fury calls, "can we take a look at what's going on inside?"
"Sure, Nick. Gimme a minute."
Fury turns to Belova and Barton.
"That way we can know what we'll be dealing with. Consider this a standard rescue mission. After we gather more information, you'll go in, and you'll convince them to wake up, ok? They have to do it willingly. If not, we risk brain damage."
"Done," Soren announces, "we'll have a live feed in three seconds."
Fury sighs. He is so done. So, so, so done.
"Ok. Let's see what Romanoff and Hill have been up to."
The west. The hardness of the wilderness. The arid, desolate landscape of the desert.
In the middle of it all, as a tiny oasis of life, the little town of Lihoton.
It's usually cramped, smelly, full of life. But as high noon approaches, only two figures stand in the middle of the road.
One is dark, tall, and handsome. A brunette woman with clear blue eyes like a spring day stands proud in a black coat. Stetson black hat on her head. Crimson red vest with a shining gold star badge. Worn out work jeans. And her pistol at the ready on her hip. When she speaks, her voice is imposing. Low and dangerous, with the tiniest hint of hope.
"Romanoff! It's time your outlaw days come to an end! But we don't have to do this. If you give yourself up willingly, I can put in a good word with Judge Rogers, maybe get a reduced sentence. It doesn't have to go this way."
The other figure is apparently petite, but she stands as proud and her beauty is breathtaking. Moss green eyes flashing with confidence. Wild red hair in waves under a Gambler hat. A worn-out brown poncho, cowboy boots, and the biggest smirk on her face.
"Always so noble, Sheriff Hill. And so naive! I've told you a thousand times already, there's only one way to settle this, and that's with either one of us in a wooden box."
It's only the silence of looming death, then. It's settled. They both reach for their pistols, slowly, eyeing each other's movements with the precision of a hawk circling its prey.
And when the air around them seems to charge with the tension of their held breath, they both draw their guns and fire.
Nobody falls.
"Wait. Wasn't your turn to die?" The redhead outlaw frowns at her opponent.
The Sheriff is just confused.
"I thought it was your turn! I played dead last time, remember?"
"But I was going to do the whole 'Sheriff! I was wrong, I'll change my ways, please, don't leave me, because I'm in love with you!'. You love that, detka!" She's pouting. The outlaw is pouting.
"Oh, I'm sorry, honey. I do love that. We can do it again. I'll die this time, I promise."
"You know what? I'm not in the mood anymore. I've got a better idea…"
Romanoff disappears in a blur of blue lighting and reappears in front of Hill, picking up the taller woman – something that shouldn't be possible, but somehow is. In less than a second and with another blur, the sworn enemies are entering the Sheriff's office, both excitedly pulling at each other's clothes.
"I love that we have powers here. We should have them in the real world," Maria laughs in between heated kisses.
Romanoff chuckles too, but she's suddenly serious when Hill gets rid of her coat and stands there in her vest, shiny Sheriff badge perched on her chest in all of its glory.
"Damn, you're hot when you play the incorruptible hero, dorogaya."
"Is it wrong if I say you're absolutely irresistible as the villain, babe?"
Clothes are flying through the office now as Romanoff's opening one of the empty cells and pushing Hill inside.
"You wanna put me behind bars, don't you, Sheriff? You wanna lock me up and have your way with me?"
"Fuck, yes!"
Hill launches herself forward and kisses Romanoff with a passion. When they part to gasp for air, there's fire in their eyes.
"Do you wanna punish me for being bad, milaya?" Natasha's voice could melt the heart of an iceberg.
"Sweetheart…"
"What, lyubimaya?"
Hill pushes Romanoff's jeans down as she settles on the ground.
"Ride me. Ride my face. And don't stop the dirty talk, baby."
As she follows Maria's orders, Natasha purses her lips and gives her a bewitching smile.
"Yeehaw."
"OH GOD OH GOD NO!"
"EEEEWWW!"
Soren quickly cuts the feed before they see something even more scarring. But for Clint and Yelena, it's too late.
While Fury, Soren, and Talos have the decency of looking a bit embarrassed, Barton and Belova are losing their minds, quite literally.
"My eyes, my ears! My brain hurts!" Clint is cringing so hard his veins look about to pop out.
"I'm gonna puke, I'm gonna do it!" Yelena has a hand to her chest and with the other one she's trying to hold on to something, the walls, the Skrull console, whatever she can grab so she doesn't fall down.
"We all saw the same thing, agents, and we're all adults here. There's no need to be this dramatic."
Fury knows his words won't get the desired effect, but he had to try.
"What?! That's my best friend! And my other best friend! I don't need to know that they - UGH! That was – I'm gonna have nightmares for the rest of my life."
Clint is being, indeed, very dramatic. But he's not the only one.
"Dude, I just saw my sister getting it on, so get in line! And what was that with the endearments?! They were sweetheart this, milaya that, I've never seen them acting like that! They… they're… they're saps! But they're perverts too! EW, EW!"
At this point, Fury feels like Barton and Belova are having a contest to see who can annoy him the most.
"So…" Fury begins, awfully calm, "it's obvious we just witnessed a private moment between two consenting adults who happen to be in a happy marriage. We all respect them, so this should be kept between us, and we're going to act like professionals from now on. Is that clear?"
Clint and Yelena look at each other and just nod, but Fury knows they don't intend to behave. He's got a headache now. He should've called Carol to deal with this. Too late now.
"It's clear what's happening."
It's Talos' voice. He's smiling. Why won't he stop smiling? Fury wants to punch him. Again. Maybe he never stopped wanting to punch him.
"Please, enlighten me." Fury knows he's going to regret saying the words, but…
"Your murder daughters have taken over the VR to fool around. This is like a vacation for them. Isn't it obvious? These guys tried to go in and they beat the crap out of them. They've got like superpowers in there, and they're using the whole setting to role-play their weird sex fantasies. I'm impressed, really."
"Someone's been tampering with the VR's code, that's for sure", Soren says before Fury can punch Talos, "look."
Soren pushes a button on her tablet and they watch as the program's code runs before them on the big screens. Fury doesn't get it, he's got technicians for this kind of stuff, but luckily Belova does some of the translating.
"Oh, yeah, that's my sister's mark. She's uh… she's corrected the program. And she's made some… uh… improvements. Maybe that's why she can move like Quicksilver in there?"
"For fuck's sake…" Fury murmurs, "let's end this, now."
He's done. Oh so done.
"Sir, uh… I don't want to go in," Barton doesn't meet his eyes.
"Why the hell not?!" Fury is on the edge of a heart attack. These people will kill him, eventually.
"Listen, with all due respect, maybe we should give them a few more days?" Barton offers shyly. "See what happens? Maybe they'll wake up on their own."
"You're afraid if you go in there you're gonna catch them banging again, right?" Yelena deadpans.
"Yes."
The blond nods solemnly, then looks to Fury.
"Sir, I'm with Barton on this one. I've been scarred for life. There's got to be another solution."
That's it. He's retiring. Right here, right now.
"Oh, my God. Oh, my God, you people are like unruly children!"
Fury proceeds to pace around the room in order to deflect some bad energy and not punch any of his dear friends. Including interplanetary jackass number one, Talos, who is (guess what) smiling.
"That's it. I'm so done. Soren, get me in there!" Fury commands as he takes off his jacket.
"You sure, bud?" Talos asks, but he's grinning.
"Yes, I'm sure."
"But, sir –" Clint and Yelena protest in unison but Fury raises his hands. Enough is enough.
"If you won't do it, I'll do it. Whatever it takes to put an end to this stupid-ass situation."
"Set and ready when you are, Nick," Soren offers gently.
Fury takes his place next to Natasha and Maria, looking at Talos, wishing he could wipe his goofy smile from his green face.
"Just don't put me upside down, ok?"
And with that, he's in.
The west. The hardness of the wilderness. The arid, desolate landscape of the desert.
In the middle of it all, as a tiny oasis of life, the little town of Lihoton.
It's usually cramped, smelly, full of life. But as the high noon approaches, a lonely figure stands in front of the Sheriff's office. In a leather black coat. With a patch over his eye. And he is so done.
"Hill! Romanoff! Cut the bullshit as in RIGHT NOW!"
One second passes. Then two. Five. Ten.
"I know you're in there, don't make me drag you out bare-ass naked!"
There's a flash of blue lightning, and Hill and Romanoff appear in front of Fury. They're dressed (barely) but their hairdos are obscene, to say the least.
"Sir? What are you doing here?" Hill is baffled, but Natasha just looks annoyed. They were just getting to her favorite part…
Fury doesn't contain his outburst this time. He can't. He's done.
"I'm here, agent Hill, because I was alerted of your kidnapping. I'm here because I was worried. I'm here because the people who care about you two would move mountains to keep you safe. I'm here because you decided that instead of going back to the real world, it would be nice to take over an alien-designed virtual reality, and have a little vacation for yourselves while the rest of the world was worried about you. And tell me, what was the plan here, exactly? What were you going to do once the mercenaries took you to the Collector?!"
"Ah, that was never going to happen," Romanoff interjects, that sempiternal confident little smirk on her precious face, "the moment they connected us to the VR I had access to the ship's computer mainframe. From here, you know." She points to her temple, all smug about it. Some people forget the Black Widow is not only the most competent spy in the world, but also a genius hacker. "We were always going in circles. That's why they tried to wake us up… but when they got in…" Romanoff smiles at her wife.
"We beat the crap out of them," Maria concludes with a proud smile on her face.
Fury is done. He really is. Maria senses he's about to go into outburst mode again, so she gets serious.
"Sir… I'm sorry. But we needed this," Maria pleads, her eyes sincere. She sighs… it was always work, work, work for her and Natasha and they needed a break. The opportunity just happened to come to them in the form of a kidnapping and a VR world. "It was so much fun," she adds, an apologetic smile on her face as she looks at her boss.
"So much fun, you have no idea," that's Natasha, adding a hidden meaning to her words.
But Fury's mad.
"Oh, I do have an idea because we've all seen your little stunt in the jailhouse," he points behind them, raising his eyebrows and pursing his lips.
All color drains from the couple's faces.
"What? We? Who's we?" Natasha asks nervously.
"Talos, Soren, Barton, and your sister."
He shouldn't be enjoying the look of horror on Romanoff's face, but he is. Payback is payback, and perhaps this one time his "murder daughters" will learn the lesson.
"Noooooo," Maria.
"No, no, no, no," Natasha.
"So, while I can be a bit sympathetic to your actions, next time, ask for vacation time. You do have that, you know."
Maria's looking at her boots.
"Yes, sir."
Fury is about to (finally) tell them to go home, when he frowns.
"I just… I gotta ask. Why the superpowers? Why did you change that in the code?"
Maria and Nat exchange looks. Their cheeks turn a bright tomato red.
"Because… you know… scientific curiosity?" Maria's explanation only makes Fury groan louder.
"You have to be kidding me."
"In our defence, I gotta point out we didn't only use it for… entertainment."
"Yeah, when the Skrulls tried to come in here I added flying to our abilities," Natasha explains as it is the most logical thing in the world. "It was so much fun throwing them off a cliff, catching them, and then bringing them back up only to throw them again."
"Jesus," Fury closes his eyes and shakes his head. Children. They're all children. "Can we please go back to the real world now?" He pleads.
"Yes, gladly. Yes." Maria nods rapidly.
"Wait…"
Fury and Hill turn to Natasha.
"My sister and Clint. They're still on the ship, with us?"
"They are."
"Will they ever be able to look us in the face?"
"Probably not," Fury deadpans.
Natasha looks at her wife, who just shrugs her shoulders.
"I can live with that."
"I guess me too."
They share a sweet smile, and Fury can see the love flowing between them. They might behave like children but… they're precious to him, that, he can't deny.
"Before we go…"
Maria is taking Natasha in her arms to dip her and kiss her soundly.
"Oh, for fuck's sake…"
Maria ignores Fury completely. Right now, she only has eyes for Natasha.
"Seems like your outlaw days did come to an end, Romanoff," she whispers.
Natasha blushes and plays her role to perfection.
"Oh, what can I say, Sheriff Hill… I was wrong, I'll change my ways…"
"Because…?"
"Because I'm in love with you."
They kiss again, and yes, Fury has to admit they're cute. But that's no excuse for what they've done.
"Can we please go now?"
Maria and Natasha don't even look at him. Maria nods. Natasha pecks her nose.
"Yes, now we can," the redhead concludes.
As the environment around them crumbles, disappearing into code and revealing the real world, both women are too far lost in each other to hear what Fury whispers to himself…
"I am so done."