Chapter Text
Two girls lay in each other’s arms in the tickley, warm grass, amazed by the first kiss either had ever experienced. Searching interesting shapes in the clouds, the more outgoing one, who had instigated the affection, dreamily asked the other what visions the summer sky conjured up. Roused from an uncommon tranquility, she faced her familiar with a smile.
Managing, “I s-s-see your f-f-face!”, she blushed, followed by modestly covering her eyes, and the cutest giggle her companion had ever heard!
The shy girl's compassionate lover protectively embraced her, aware of the need for gentle treatment. “That’s so wonderful of you! You’re such a romantic, aren’t you? Know what? You deserve a reward!” she added impishly.
“A… r-r-r-reward?” she went up on one elbow, hearing that.
“Yes! I… I want to kiss you again! A real, open, deep kiss, like in the movies! I mean… Did you like our kiss? I did! ”
“How can you explain Heaven to someone who’s never been there?” her admirer thought, not replying to the teasing question, but trembling at the exciting stroking of her warm, soft cheek, the other hand sliding to her slim shoulders. The bold courter's face was within tantalizing inches now, inviting…
“It’s because I want you so much! It felt so nice doing that together!” the plump, rosy lips whispered seductively, as she rubbed her own reddening face against the girl below her. “And because… I think I’m falling in love with you!”
Convinced, the awkward girl beneath gratefully opened her lips, offering a full, yearning mouth to the forward girl this time, tasting everything of the kiss, it’s unfolding… Soft sweetness of the damp skin, its warmth, and cloying moistness. Her inexperienced tongue bashfully discovered its mate, luxuriating in the electrifying moment, evolving into an exploration of coming of age, glorying in the moment of becoming. The normally chary girl dared to trace timid, if questing hands along the other’s body, growing bolder as the gesture found acceptance—discovering her own body becoming the object of tender investigation, too! Shoulders, arms, breasts so youthfully firm, yet silky soft—Places, perhaps, to kiss one day! Words she couldn’t speak tumbled like jewels through her blazing mind. Sounds of awakening pleasure drifted unconsciously from both in the stillness of the passionate moment.
That first kiss had been a revelation, but this?
… Was a divine blossom, the first of Spring captured by delighted eyes, patiently watching it unfurl…
… The soft, honeyed melt of sweet, juicy ripe fruit… It was rich, like chocolate, sticky, wet, so luscious…
… A pounding, a thrum, an elemental, sacred, and carnal response within her throbbing breast, threatening to make the fevered virgin faint…
The ethereal kiss finally broke… Like dawn, like a spell, like Truth… leaving behind its perfect essence, the taste of first love… She'd felt as though her heart would explode with exhilaration!
What other wonderful things would they dare together?…
One day, perhaps to make love?…
Kowareta Dorima roused achingly from the daydream when the two young ladies, vividly a couple, entered the train. Her eyes furtively described a tiny slit, as always, like the corner of a shade in a lonely room…
She guessed they were “That way” as her intolerant mother would say—because they were all over each other in a subtle way recognizable from her own small experience, and a thousand fantasies. One, a breathtakingly beautiful, green-eyed blonde hafu, perchance a fashion model; the other, a violet-eyed goddess, possibly an Idol. She, judging both as being in their early twenties, took a trembling breath. Both young women flowed effortlessly into their seats, intoxicating, understated sexuality and femininity wafting from them with the perfumes the shy girl longed to wear. Because they smelled delectable; absolutely delicious…
“I’ve got a shoot tomorrow. I swear I'll be home by evening…” the blonde promised, her voice tantalizing.
“Please do! I’d like to enjoy the rest of the weekend with you, without having to share that with every stranger in Tokyo!” the other snarked…
“Let them dream!” came back with a shrug, all nonchalance…
“Angel: I want the dream, the reality, everything!” her intimate jested…
Or was it a jest?
Because there was a look about them, an attitude of each mutually possessing the other; a willing, loving, sensual, and emotional bond that must be nectarous. The lonely traveler was captivated immediately, by their beauty, and the interesting, sophisticated conversation, which implicitly indicated equally fascinating lives.
“God! Those complexions! Those figures, and faces!” A blush started up; her head hung down in disquietude, as though she feared it would telegraph that cherished secret, that must be kept hidden. The sudden, fire in the belly, filling Dorima's romantic soul with delight, joy, and troubled, fevered, erotic scenes. The good secret…
Not the bad secret!…
“Damn! They’re so magnificent!”
The two represented the type of fantasy women who's physical existence was imaginable only in those confusing waking dreams, which occupied much of the solitaire’s time these days.
There were but the three of them now in the great hollow of the otherwise empty train car. Dorima continued pretending to be asleep, hoping it might allow surreptitiously belonging to the periphery of the magnificent couple’s personal world, if only for the trip’s duration.
The fair-haired one noticed her first, nudging her companion, whispering softly.
Those pink lips touched her lover's pale skin as they spoke softly.
How scrumptiously intimate!
“Oh, I wish I were so fair-complexioned! Those lips! They’re so exquisitely rounded, so succulent and inviting, as if awaiting a kiss! Just the whole way their bodies ripple, perfect as a wave in the ocean…” The hopeless romantic rhapsodized…
A marveling glance fell on their fashionable shoes, open in the toes… “Such elegant legs! Even their feet are beautiful! I want to have pretty feet, too!”
“I trust you’ve been dedicating adequate time to your studies, Yuzu?” the dark-haired girl was admonishing now.
“I’m dedicated to you, lover!” The green-eyed girl said passionately, causing the other to blush proudly. Squeezing both hands lovingly, she continued. “ Um—Correction! I’m dedicated to us!”
Their fellow passenger thought, “They’re so precious! I want to be their friend! I want to have such people in my life! If I was only worthy! If I wasn’t so…”
Yuzu nodded in the faux slumberer's direction.
“Mei, I think she’s asleep, poor girl! Must have had a rough school day, or something!”
A knowing smile. “Just like the old days, eh? Not that university is a picnic!”
“Not that long ago!’ came the soft giggle, as she squeezed Mei closer, fairly glowing from the reflected warmth!…
So those were the names that graced these two heavenly beings, Mei and Yuzu! And their voices, though delicately whispering, seemed to match them so perfectly. Well, what were goddesses supposed to sound like? She was suddenly in love with the moment, the two young women, and the obvious affection they bore for each other as they boldly cuddled.
“Mmm! You’re always so warm!”
“I can be coaxed into getting a lot warmer when we get home!” the blonde vamped…
The other blushed a light pink, which was so alluring!
“That’s good to know! I’ll have to put it to the test later!”
“I’ll hold you to that!”
“I’ll hold you now!” Mei whispered, feeling playful. She pulled Yuzu closer, sneaking an unanticipated, if discreet, kiss…
Dorima wanted to be the same as people like that! To show affection openly, toward a girl that she adored, who return that love…
The pair held each other’s hands like keys to their hearts, the couple acted lovesick, so into each other were both…
“I think Hoshino Sensei is beginning to suspect my extracurricular activities!” Yuzu said.
“Hmm! Maybe psychology teachers are more exciting than we thought! Perhaps he’s been reading fashion articles online…” Mei opined.
“Why? Do you think he’s a transvestite?” Another endearing giggle.
The violet eyes rolled in mock-dread. “God, I hope not! Now, how am I going to get that image out of my mind? He looks like a bulldog”!
“Maybe he sees himself as a very lovely lady bulldog! came the mock-serious reply.
Mei held a graceful hand to her lips, trying to muffle a dulcet, tinkling laugh. “Angel… You’re twisted! I mean, just completely bent out of shape!…”
“Seriously, though—Maybe he’s found out that I’m secretly a model and he really goes for that!”
“I think the makeup you use conceals your identity pretty well! At any rate, he definitely knows we’re engaged, we make no secret of that at school or anywhere else, so what good does it do him?” Mei questioned, playfully.
Her inamorata smiled felicitously. “It’s his fantasy, Baby! In his imagination, he can have us both!”
“In real life, he’s well aware he has no chance of getting either one of us, that’s why he’s so frustrated around we two! I can see it in his bleary sheep eyes! Sheer, animal lust!” Mei smirked.
“Those two are playing, bantering back and forth as lovers do! Oh, they’re an engaged couple! They’re so beautiful, their ways are absolutely captivating, their sphere is so sublime. And I’m going to cry! Please, keep it together, girl! You’ll have a fugue! You know what that doctor told you!” Dorima chastised herself…
The girl was drifting, not into a delirious private world of erotic fantasy, but into that troubled world, dominated by her mother’s overwhelming force.
Unbidden, a recent unpleasant scene played out in her memory…
They were on a train platform, and Dorima had made the mistake of smiling at two gay girls she noticed there, valiantly embracing each other in public…
“… People like that!’ her mother was sneering, the ever-present stink of alcohol on her breath. ’Like those two disgusting pot-lickers over there kissing each other in front of everyone at the train station! That blue-eyed hafu with the goddamned pink hair and all like some stupid clown, and the other with the huge tits just slurping all over her! It’s unnatural, I tell you! I don’t give a fuck what your liberal Aunt Garyo says about love being love! That’s your father’s family alright—always for letting people do as they damned please! That’s why he never made shit out of himself! He died and left me to work my ass off just so we can survive!”
Dorima was shoe-gazing again, trying to bite bitter tears back, thinking, “I love you, pink-haired girl, and your sweetheart! How I wish I was your friend!” She could only whisper, “Yes, Oka-s-san.” eyes shut in misery, teeth chattering, wanting to shrivel up and die, along with her broken heart and self-esteem…
“So help me, brat, if you ever got to be like that friend of yours… You did stop talking to her like I told you to, didn’t you?…”
“Yes Oka-s-s-s-san!” she mumbled.
“Well good, because she’s one of those types and they’re a rotten influence! The twisted little pervert! So help me, I would turn my back on you forever, I’d wish you in Hell, you little chijin… if you ever…”
“Yes, Oka-s-s-s-san! ” she stammered hysterically, turning from the two young ladies until the older woman violently shook her to shock her back… Unaware, the other people at the station continued to gawk at the two affectionate girls…
Those two lovely ladies on the train? They appeared so open, and loving; there was a flow of radiant emotion that was like…
Another so beautiful one…
“You’re like me!’ her admirer whispered in sudden recognition directly after their venturing lips had parted. ’Listen! You’re not a guchi or any of those bad things those bullies call you, You’re just different! You have a speech impediment, but that’s nothing to be ashamed of. When you write to me… It’s like poetry, your thoughts are so beautiful! You’re sweet and romantic. I love you so much!” The reticent Dorima had been in paradise, weeping joyfully, lost in a magic place where miracles happen, where love was a reality, not a distant memory…
Her mother caught the two holding hands a few weeks after that…
She started becoming aware in slow degrees, fuzzily hearing the one called Mei, who seemed wise for her years, in mid-discussion…
“… It’s just there, it’s probably always going to be there… You can’t stop people from being what they are… That’s us, people who are tolerant or even supportive, and those who can’t bear the thought of us existing. Oh—Also the vast, gray middle area of ” Please don’t spill my tea “ people who don’t care or simply don’t want to be involved. That’s how authoritarian ideas come to prominence. People allow it”!
“You’ve been sitting there absorbing the whole sociology class!” Yuzu opined…
“It factors into what I’m studying. Education, which is more than numbers, or facts and figures. My theory is, in the end, it’s about how people operate, first the mechanics of their minds, and then… I mean, too, what they are influenced by outside the classroom as well. For instance, say a student is raised with the idea that the earth is flat…”
Sensation fought to return to Dorima’s tense muscles, her skin… She was suffering another episode. Her face was cool, and damp. She struggled to gather her mind back into a semblance of normalcy.
She gazed down at the shabby long sweater she habitually affected. It had been her beloved father’s… and hid her secret…
The Bad Secret…
Looking back up, the two across from her hazily came into view…
“… So Yuzu, it seems to me, psychologists, physiologists, neurologists… a whole team of specialists could help me evolve a novel, holistic teaching environment! It sounds crazy to many, but Grandfather is already applying my ideas! It will take years…”
“I think I know what your desertion is gonna be about shortly…”
“Yuzu,’ Mei said modestly, ’It’s formed the basis for a book I’ve written! I just need my name appended with ” PhD. “…”
Dorima heard the doctor’s voice in her memory…
“Some form of Autism, I believe, is present, but for these episodes, I’m thinking a neurologist might possibly be in order. There could be epilepsy, Complex PTSD, possibly Intermittent Explosive Disorder, too… She has trouble communicating for more than short periods of time. I’d like to do further testing,’ the specialist had told her mother, outside the office, as she listened at the door. ’Is the child exposed to any kind of bullying or abuse… perhaps at school? Ijime is a bad problem, these days. I have some literature it would be beneficial for you both to read. She really should have more visits besides the school-ordered ones”.
“The brat?’ her mother answered, ’ She's just aho, if you ask me! You know she’s in special classes, right?…”
“… Then, Yuzu, it’s just a matter of expanding on the groundwork I helped lay out for the Aihara family of schools, and our partners, just before we left for university…”
“It was brilliant!”
Mei blushed again. ”It was totally necessary, was what it was! We must develop outreach beyond the school environment; an all-inclusive program considerate of the healthiness of the student’s private life, physically, socially, interactively, and emotionally. Hopefully, get potential stumbling blocks diagnosed…"
The blonde became enthused. “So that other people. for instance, might be spared having to go through the kind of awful shit we did?”
“In a nutshell,’ Mei smiled, ’Yes!…”
Dorima drifted, attempting a retrace back to ordinary reality. She’d gotten stranded in that painful memory; finding the lovely pair were suddenly looking at her, their expressions concerned. The quiet whispering had ceased, for some reason. Had they guessed how bad she was, like Oka-san always said… Reaching a trembling hand to her puzzled face, she awkwardly realized she had been crying again, tears rolling down in silent suffering, not even noticing. she became paralyzed with fear. The gentle-voiced blonde sitting across from the confused girl was speaking to her, but her thoughts were foggy, lost halfway between worlds…
The mist of goodbye…
“Why, Dorima? Why can’t you see me anymore?” her baffled lover sobbed, as the tortured girl wished in her heart for the mercy of death. And had there not been the fear of what might be waiting there…
“Oka-s-s-s-san won’t let m-m-me!” she had choked out through blinding tears of shame and hurt.
“Honey, listen to me! Talk to me!” the sweet girl pleaded, enveloping her in a protective hug she wouldn’t release…
The sweater, her constant present totem, was being pulled off as Dorima struggled frantically to escape. “No!” she cried out. But the other wouldn’t let go. It slipped.
Then twisted away in her hands.
The shoulders of the oversized, unkempt garment pulled down, then, came off, altogether.
Exposing the cruel bruises, raw prints of fingers, and savage marks of blows all over the girl’s upper arms.
Their eyes met in painful realization.
The bad secret was out.
Feeling the abject humiliation of the one she loved discovering the mistreatment, burning with the stinging shame of disclosure, Dorima began to tremble, feeling faint. The self-hatred she carried for allowing the subjugation of her soul.
The pain of the constant abuse, no matter where she turned.
The despair of every waking moment, the brokenness of her lonely heart. She could see the pity, empathy, and anger on that compassionate face she adored, and hung her head. The pain was more than could be borne.
It was unbearable.
Her beloved knew now.
She knew her Mama beat her!
Her Mama beat her!
Hitting her where it wouldn’t show. The pain grew in her right side, throbbing with every deep breath, where a rib was cracked the day before when Oka-san “insisted” she stop all contact with her girlfriend…
Her world beat her!
The ugly, cruel laughter of the school bullies who took her sweater, and threw it in the dirt, forcing her, screaming, backward over a bicycle rack until she feared her spine would snap. They saw the bruises, mocked the shabby clothing, delighted in her abject pain and shame. “Who else has been kicking your retarded ass, Dor-r-r-rima?” the little sadists asked…
“W-w-why?” the confused girl asked while they laughed like devils, twisting her thin arms. “W-w-why d-d-do you want to hurt m-m-m-me?”
Her disability beat her!
Unable to articulate the pain, the despair, the wretched hopelessness, able only to force a few stuttering words while her dying heart screamed in a dark cage of misery.
Her life beat her!
Over and over and over…
Only one didn’t beat her, and loved her as she was.
Now?
She was breaking that one person’s beautiful heart.
The ugliness was worse than any beating she had ever taken—of all the many! To do that to the one she worshiped.
The broken girl pushed her healer away, throwing shaking hands to her pounding ears. “I’m going to scream!’ She thought, ’I’m going to scream, she’ll be horrified of me, frightened to death! She’ll hate me, too!”
She whirled in horror fleeing her heartbroken lover, trying to swallow the shrieks of mad terror, praying to find a railway to lay her head down on and…
Die.
Just die.
“Dorima! What has that drunken bitch done to you? Don’t let her keep doing this! I’ll help you! Dorima, come back! I love you!…” Her lover’s voice died in echoes of yesterday. She ran like a pursued animal, the thousand devils of her existence chasing behind…
How could she escape?
Darkness filled her ruined heart.
“G-G-God!’ she howled madly, ’P-P-Please kill m-m-m-me!…”
In her mind, she was still running.
Would always be running from…
Life.
“Mei! Look… The poor baby! Something’s wrong with her!” The blonde half rose from the seat… at the moment the broken girl came to, looking full-on at the young woman’s angelic face. Her tortured heart died a thousand times over in that moment…Yuzu had noticed the girl was in obvious distress; glassy-eyed, and twitching. “Are you alright, dear?” Yuzu was asking her, kindness and concern clear in her every action.
“Don’t touch me!’ Dorima thought, ’Or there’s no coming back! Oh beautiful goddess, please don’t touch me with your merciful hands! Don’t show me hope I can’t keep! Don’t give me kindness that will be shattered to bloody pieces in my face or compassion that will be murdered by… by…”
The one named Yuzu was sweet and kind, her green eyes gentle, loving, and empathic, just like…
And Dorima wanted to die, again! Wanted to tell the young women how gorgeous they were, how miraculous it was they had found each other, how she wished with every ounce of her being to be their peer. Sitting alongside them with an arm around her lover, a twinkle in everyone’s eyes that said “Isn’t life wonderful? Isn’t young love so grand?”
Free!
Free at last!
Free of her world’s vicious abuse…
Free… as people like that…
Free to tell the world who and what she was…
Free to confess her feelings to everyone, but especially, the girl she adored…
“No!…”
Uncoiling, deep in her psychic guts…
The Fear was on her again…
She was going to scream. Exactly as had happened last year, when she had started shrieking in class upon catching sight of the bullies from a window, gathering outside…
Waiting.
For her.
Again.
When school let out.
When she infrequently wandered from home.
It never stopped.
“K-K-Kill me, G-G-God!…”
The train swiftly began grinding to a halt, the girl’s breath catching in her throat as the young couple tried to rise to attend to her obvious distress…
“No!…”
Her eyes darted like a trapped, wounded animal…
“Oka-s-s-san won’t let m-m-m-me!” she cried out in agony, her head thrown down as though struck by an invisible fist.
The couple stared at each other in bewilderment. hesitating that one moment before Yuzu’s compassionate touch could reach Dorima.
Her eyes stood out in terror. Howling like an animal in pain, she leaped toward the car doors as they opened, bursting past the two young ladies. Screaming, sobbing, the tormented girl ran like something wild, careening down the platform. People scattered out of her way. She wasn’t in that body anymore. Her mind was in the dark place…
The hurting place.
The puzzled couple on board the train car saw her vanish into the crowd, feeling a mixture of shock, sorrow, and pity, as the tormented shrieks died in the distance…
“What made her do that? Her mom won’t let her do what?’ Yuzu asked after a breathless, long minute. ’ It looked like she had a seizure or something! That poor, troubled little baby! Look! Here’s a book bag with a name and school on it! She panicked and left it!”
Mei shook her head, pondering for a moment. “We don’t know her story! She might be on the Autism Spectrum, like me, but more reactive. Or a phobic disorder, or perhaps some mental illness. And too, maybe, it was us, Yuzu. You never know how some people might take seeing a same-sex couple, however polite, however much in love, just expressing their feelings. Unpredictable! It could be an extreme trigger for her! We’ve seen that before, right? Maybe she didn’t understand, you know? And one wonders… with the terrible state of mental health services in our country, is she being cared for and looked after? Perhaps not. This is precisely what I’ve been trying to get addressed!”
Yuzu hugged her lover. “Maybe so. I’m so sorry for her, whatever the situation. What a precious, innocent face, like a little child! I wish we could have helped.”
“Me too, Angel. ” Mei gave Yuzu a soft kiss on her cheek, making the young woman smile again.
Sadly shaking her head, the somber Mei might have been thinking of her own life, as much as anything.
“Whatever was going on in her world, ’ she whispered, “the poor girl is undeniably troubled. In the end, you can never tell what is wrong…’
“… With people like that…”