Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

“This is my life now… I’ve climbed this hill, and now...I will die upon it.”

“Shut up. We’ve only been hiking for twenty minutes.” Bucky's voice echoed next to you.

You closed your eyes and let yourself fall to your knees. You were breathing heavily, blood trickled down your forehead. Your uniform was torn and spattered with crimsom spots. The hair in your face was still dripping wet from the fall earlier. And your breath was coming in short shallow gasps.

You glanced over at Bucky, he looked worse than you did.

His face was covered in cuts and bruises, his hair was slicked to the sides of his face, and he was limping.

You slowly got up from your knees and hobbled over to Bucky.

“So… Um… What’s... the plan…?” You asked quietly.

You two had just gone through hell itself and you both wanted to know what was coming next.

Bucky stopped dead in his tracks.

You had to stop yourself to avoid running into him. He lowered his head slowly, it took him a moment to get his thoughts together.

You waited patiently scolding yourself.

Why did you ask him that? You should be taking charge. He’s in no condition to be making decisions…

Bucky finally opened his mouth, blood trickling from his lip.

“Why...” He barely whispered, he closed his eyes and sighed. “No… You should go back to Steve and….” He closed his eyes, “And S.H.I.E.L.D.” He turned to you, “You should go find them, they can help you.”

You sighed, smiling.

“That's not an option Barnes… If I leave… Then who’s gonna help you?” You patted his shoulder, “I’m staying with you. That’s final.”

Bucky's eyes widened in surprise, it seemed like he wanted to argue more, but he shut his mouth and sighed.

“Fine… But… I don't even trust my own mind...” He trailed off.

You smiled and took a deep breath,

“That's okay… we're gonna work on that as well.”

You smiled at Bucky and turned back to the town, “Well, we need a place to clean up.” You cracked a small smile, “We can’t go walking around looking like this.”

You looked down at your H.Y.D.R.A. Uniforms.

You swallowed,

“We need to focus on getting your memory back.”

You pointed directly at Bucky. He seemed taken aback.

He lowered his gaze,

“I don’t know if there’s anything left of that Bucky…” He spoke the word ‘Bucky’ as if it was just another person’s name.

You smiled faintly,

“Of course there is.” You reassured him softly. You placed your hand gently on his left shoulder, the one with the metal arm.

He glanced at you faintly, emotionless.

You cleared your throat, “But first we need to find shelter… A place to stay.” You added. Looking over the horizon, you realized it was slowly growing darker.

“Were in Washington D.C. right?” You looked back at Bucky.

He nodded slowly.

You thought some more, “We could go back to your old house… but that’s a three day trip on foot…” You sighed, pacing back and forth.

You glanced at Bucky, he was just standing there, looking dead ahead.

You followed his gaze deep into town, the nightlights were just lighting up the sky as the sun started to set.

It suddenly hit you.

“I’VE GOT IT!”

Bucky stared at you in silence, probably questioning your presence.

You turned back to him and smiled,

“I remember… in the early days of Tony being Iron Man… Tony had a court case with the government… Involving the suit…”

You clutched your head trying to remember. He knelt next to you, but was still hesitant.

“What’s your point?”

You closed your eyes and took a deep breath,

“My point is…” You opened your eyes and looked up at him. “Tony has a building not far from here…”

Bucky rested his arm on your back,

“No way… What if we get caught?”

You shook your head,

“He hasn’t used the building in a really long time. It should be completely abandoned by now.”

Bucky hesitated before nodding slowly.

“Okay…” He helped you up onto your feet and you took off to town.

.

Chapter Text

It was completely dark by the time you had made your way to the house. The moon being your only source of light in the cool night.

Fortunately enough for the two of you, Tony’s building was away from the main part of town, but not by too much.

One would be able to look out from the house and still see the city beneath the two of you. Having an advantage through seeing all around you, able to detect anyone else who may approach the house.

You slowly limped up to the rickety door, while Bucky followed not too far behind. All of the lights were off in the decrepit building, and the yard was overgrown with an assortment of weeds and plants.

It looked like a small ranch home from the outside, windows were shattered and planks boarded the outside doors.

You carefully walked up the steps of the house, creaking at the weight. Glancing to your left, you saw a small hole in the side of the building, a gap where the built-in mailbox once stood. You figured that's where Tony had kept the keys.

You turned back to Bucky,

“You think you can reach in there?” You pointed at the small worn out gap in the wall.

Bucky nodded quietly and wandered up the wooden stairs. He knelt down and reached in with his metal arm. He groped around for a little bit, only to stand up holding a small, worn out key covered in cobwebs and dust.

You smiled and plucked it from his hand.

“Perfect!” You placed the key inside of the keyhole and pushed the door open.

It let out a low,

CREEK…

You looked inside, everything was dark and dusty. You carefully wandered in, the wooden floorboards creaking as you stepped on them. Wallpaper was peeling around you, water damage was clear on the ceilings.

Bucky followed behind, even more cautious than you. His eyes constantly shifted around, looking for any threats.

You turned around and slowly closed the door behind you, locking it. Not that it would do any good against H.Y.D.R.A. but it made you feel slightly safer, with a minimal barrier.

You caught a light switch in your peripheral vision. As you wandered up to it and flipped it, the light above you flickered a little, then blew out.

You hissed under your breath,

“Looks like we don’t have power…”

You turned to Bucky with a sigh. “Let’s split up, I’m gonna look around down here. You head upstairs.”

Bucky nodded back to you and trudged over to the staircase. As he walked up the stairs, you made your way into the living room.

Looking around, you realized it was once a really beautiful home, but it was in such a disarray that it was hard to imagine. It was pretty large, with one shattered window off to the right of the entrance. Two couches were present in the room, both were white sometime ago, but were now covered in dust and dark stains. Against the wall was a large broken grandfather clock that was shattered at the top. And a lone grand piano stood off to the side of the room.

You walked over to it, tracing your fingers along the top of the instrument. Dust piled up along your fingertips and you wiped it off on your tattered uniform. You wandered around it and sat down at the edge of the piano's seat. You placed your right hand over the keys and gently pressed a B note…

…

You sighed.

“Nothing…” You didn’t know what to expect. You lifted your left hand over and pressed a G note…

PING!

It rang out loud, but it was very out of tune. Echoing in a ghostly manner afterwards.

Your ears pricked up at the sound of rapid footsteps racing down the stairs and into the living room. You glanced up quickly from the piano to see Bucky standing in the doorway, his pistol stretched out.

Terror plastered his face, his breath shalow and eye narrowed.

You put your arms up right away.

“It’s just me. I pressed the note on the piano.” You reassured him, realizing you must have terrified him with the sound of the piano.

He stared at you for a few more seconds before sighing and lowering his pistol. He rubbed his temple.

“I thought it was H.Y.D.RA… I thought they had found us…” He hissed.

You stood up carefully, stepping away from the piano,

“Hey… It’s okay. They won’t find us here.” You walked up to him and pulled his arm away from his face. “Did you find anything upstairs?”

Bucky shook his head,

“Not really… Broken windows, torn carpet. I think this place was ransacked by robbers a while ago.”

You sighed, That's a shame…

Bucky had a look of concern on his face, but continued. “There’s no beds either…”

You forced yourself to smile,

“That’s okay. We can sleep on these couches.” You gestured to the two small disgusting couches in the living room.

Bucky lowered his gaze,

“Okay...”

He walked over to the couches, glancing around paranoidly before sitting down. You decided to sit on the one away from the window. It was pushed up against the wall, perfect for you to still keep an eye on your partner.

You stared at him, he was resting his elbows on his knees and letting his arms droop down. His head hung low, staring at the torn carpet. He glanced over to his left where a small red coffee table was sitting. Resting on the coffee table was a frame, and inside was a picture of Howard and Maria Stark holding a toddler Tony Stark.

He reached over with his metal arm and carefully picked up the picture. Staring at it for a long time. His face was blank and broken as he looked at the small picture in his hand.

You leaned forward,

“If you're wondering…. That’s Howard and Maria Stark… with Tony.” You spoke softly. Attempting to jog his memory, and inform him of certain people he may not know exist. With him having been under H.Y.D.R.A.’s control for so long.

Bucky continued to stare down at the picture, his long hair falling in front of his face. You couldn't exactly see what emotion he felt but you could tell he was thinking of something.

You lowered your voice to a whisper, “Did you know them?” You prompted gently, almost as if talking to a small child.

Bucky’s expression never changed. And time seemed to drag on as you waited for a response.

Then when he finally opened his mouth, his voice was low and raspy.

“I killed them…”

.

Chapter Text

Time froze.

And you couldn’t breathe.

You opened your mouth slowly.

“What…?”

Bucky looked up slowly, his voice clear, but shaky.

“I killed them.” He repeated.

You swallowed, leaning down to look Bucky dead in the eyes.

“I- I don’t believe that. That's not true. Howard and Maria died in a car crash…”

“On December 16th, 1991… Ya…I know…” Bucky finished your sentence. Staring down at his hands in his lap.

You held your breath, as thoughts of Tony and the car crash filled your mind, resulting in conflicting opinions of the situation with Bucky.

His blank stare slowly turned into a look of guilt, as he lifted his head to look up at you.

“I didn’t want to do it…”

His voice shook.

“H.Y.D.R.A. Twisted my mind and I couldn’t stop it...” He swallowed back the bile building up in his throat.

“I’m sorry…” He whispered.

You looked at him long and hard, attempting to imagine a scenario where Bucky was lying. Where it was all just some big joke.

But all you saw was a man broken by years of tragedy and pain, forced to do the unspeakable, on the behalf of others.

You suddenly stood up.

His eyes widened as you carefully moved over to him. You knelt down next to him,

“James...” You spoke quietly. Bucky looked down at you, sadness spread across his face.

You bit your lip, taking a deep breath,

“That was not you. That was The Winter Soldier. Not Bucky Barnes.” You looked up at him, “If you are looking for a reaction from me… This is it.” You lifted yourself up and sat down next to Bucky. You reached over for the picture, and you slowly lifted it from Bucky's grasp.

“I never got to meet Howard or Maria.” You looked at the photo, Tony was an exact replica of his parents.

You smiled. “Bucky…?”

Bucky turned to face you.

You sighed, “You knew Howard… didn’t you?”

Bucky nodded solemnly, but didn’t speak.

You smiled, “It’s not your fault you know… It’s H.Y.D.R.A.S.”

Bucky sat in silence.

You sighed, “The sooner you realize that, the sooner we can fix you.” You stood up and placed the picture back on the coffee table. Placing your hand on Bucky's metal shoulder, you cracked a smile. “Tomorrow morning, we’re going to the museum.” You let out a loud yawn, “Try to get some rest.”

He watched as you walked back over to the other couch and layed down. Staring up at Bucky one last time, before shutting your eyes and falling asleep.

Chapter Text

You rubbed your eyes sleepily.

“Morning Buck.” You yawned.

You uncovered your eyes expecting to see Bucky sleeping on the other couch.

But Bucky wasn’t there at all.

.

You jumped up immediately,

“Bucky?” You yelled.

You glanced around frantically, “Barnes?” You screamed.

You quickly wandered around the house, desperately looking for Bucky.

After searching all of the downstairs, you rushed upstairs.

“James?” You began to worry.

“Oh Jeez…” You looked all around upstairs, but had no luck in finding him.

If it was H.Y.D.R.A. or anyone else, they would have made noise and you would have woken up.

No, you knew Bucky had left on his own.

You sighed, “Great. Just great. He fricken left me.” You looked at your feet. “...Barnes…” You rubbed your temple.

You felt a lump in your throat, he had left you and you were alone.

Maybe it was for the best you thought. Even after your little speech to him last night it wasn't enough to convince Bucky that you'd stay and help him. You wished he would have at least told you, or maybe have said goodbye though…

You regained your composure, stuffing the thought of Bucky into the back of your brain and decided to put your focus towards something else.

You glanced down at yourself, realizing you were still covered in dried blood and dirt. You had sweat a lot too, and you knew you stank.

You sighed, hanging your arms back at your sides. “Better clean up then...”

You walked over to the upstairs bathroom. Opening the door to find it was in a fair enough condition. You glanced around, the floor was torn up leaving behind a worn wood finish. And the shower had multiple cracks in its tile, limestone coating the rim.

You walked over to the cabinets and opened it up. Along with a few dust bunnies, and a small family of mice, to your surprise there were still at least two towels good enough to use.

You couldn't help but smile, “Jackpot!”

You took the towels out shaking them furiously to rid of the dust and dirt all while carefully making sure not to disturb the mice in the cabinet.

“Sorry guys, I just need these two.” You told the furry friends.

After tucking the semi clean towels to the side, you reached a hand under the showers faucet, turning the knobs as you crossed your fingers praying it would work. The water surprisingly did work, but it was freezing cold. You flinched away slightly before letting out a long sigh, preparing yourself for a freezing cold shower.

After spending a few minutes chattering away as you shifted on your feet attempting to wash up, rinsing all of the blood and dirt as best as you could, turned off the crummy shower.

Your teeth clicked against each other as you stepped out, rubbing your shoulders in hope of warming yourself up a little.

THUMP!

THUMP!

THUMP!

Your ear pricked and eyes widened at the sound of footsteps.

Your mind raced as you remembered you were the only one in the house…

You quickly grabbed a towel, wrapping it around yourself. You tucked yourself inward, widening your stance in case you had to fight. Carefully wandering over to the door, you slowly opened it.

You immediately screamed in horror.

“JAMES BUCHANAN BARNES! YOU NEARLY GAVE ME A FUCKING HEART ATTACK!”

Bucky stood before you with a confused look on his face, and a handful of clean clothes held out to you.

You sighed with relief as you realized he hadn't left you.

“What? You left to go get clothes and money?” You looked him up and down, he was wearing fresh clothes as well.

His clothes being, a dark jacket, long pants, and a blue/black baseball cap.

You hissed at him,

“YOU COULD'VE LEFT A NOTE! I THOUGHT YOU LEFT ME!” You shouted, pulling your towel higher.

Bucky sighed,

“I know… I’m sorry…”

You gestured to the clothes,

“...And where on earth did you get these?”

Bucky bit his lip,

“... I… kinda stole them… and some money…”

You took a deep inhale, and sighed.

“Buck… Thank you for getting us clothes and money. We do need it! But, you can't go around stealing things. What if someone saw you?”

Bucky shrugged,

“I would have figured it out… eventually.” He sighed.

You shook your head, “Anyway, thanks for the clothes.” You reached over and grabbed them from Bucky’s arms.

Before you shut the door, you gave him a quick peck on the cheek.

“Wait for me okay? We’re going to the Museum.”

.