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Carlos didn't know how long he had been standing here, motionless in the middle of the living room. He didn't know why he was still wearing the full gear. Fuck, he didn't even really remember how he got home. After the statement at the precinct, he had gone on autopilot. Even though several colleagues had assured him that it had been an accident, the guy himself was to blame for what had happened to him. That no judge would indict him for it... Carlos didn't care. He had pulled the trigger of the taser. He had brought the man down with several thousand volts. He could just as easily have put a bullet in the suspect's body. The scenario ran on an endless loop in Carlos' head. And the outcome was always the same: the man lay dead on the ground.
Carlos screwed his eyes shut and clenched his hands into fists. Of course, he had had to reach for his gun many times before. He had also fired shots outside the shooting range. But never had he taken the life of another human being. And apparently for nothing. Because the only victim on this evening was the man he had killed.
Carlos was freezing. He began to shiver. The effect of the adrenaline wore off. His emotions were on a roller coaster, and the images that flooded his mind resembled those of a horror movie.
When TK approached him, he spun around, startled.
"For Chrissake TK! What are you doing here?"
"I live here," TK returned bluntly.
"Yeah, no, I get it. Of course, you live here. But... I hadn't even noticed you open the door."
TK tilted his head to the side. "Besides, I might as well ask you why you're standing in full gear, in the dark, in the middle of our living room."
He put his bag down, walked over to the desk, and flicked on the small lamp.
"If that's still too bright for you, I think we have some candles lying around somewhere," TK said, walking over to him.
Carlos continued to stand there like a rock.
"Babe, do you mind if I help you out of your uniform? You look sexy in it, anyway, with the vest and all, but I wouldn't recommend sleeping in it."
Slowly, Carlos began to stir. Almost as if in slow motion, he turned to TK until their eyes locked. After that, it wasn't even a minute before Carlos' chin began to quiver, and his eyes filled with tears. "TK, I took another man's life today. I didn't mean to. You have to believe me. I didn't mean to."
It ripped TK's heart out when Carlos unexpectedly let down his guard, and the raw emotions showed. There could only be one answer to that. TK pulled him close and wrapped his arms around him.
"I know you didn't want this. And I'm sure no matter who would have been in your place, couldn't have stopped it either. The guy shouldn't have had a knife in the first place. None of this should have happened the way it did."
Carlos clung to TK as if his life depended on it. And somehow, it did. Because if TK wasn't here with him, who knows what stupid ideas Carlos would get.
"I didn't mean it, TK. I didn't mean it," Carlos repeated, sobbing.
"I know, baby. Come on. I'll help you get undressed."
If the situation hadn't been so messed up, TK probably would have come up with a completely different idea of how to spend the next few hours.
As soon as TK held Carlos' vest in his hand, he hesitated and couldn't stop staring at it.
"What's the matter with you?" asked Carlos.
TK blinked, almost as if his friend had snapped him out of a daydream. He shook his head, "Nothing, I'm just thinking that this thing here can mean the difference between life and death."
TK put the vest aside. Carlos had peeled himself out of his shirt and gotten rid of his pants.
Out of the corner of his eye, TK watched the play of Carlos' muscles. However, the sight was not granted to him for long because he quickly put on a muscle shirt and sweatpants.
But as soon as he was done with it, he sat down on the bed and fell back into brooding.
TK sat down next to Carlos and carefully took his hand.
"What did your boss say and your colleagues?"
Carlos struggled not to lose his composure again, "They said I did everything by the book, that it wasn't my fault. The union representative said I didn't have to worry about any consequences."
"But that's good news. You're not going to be suspended, you..."
"What good is all this, TK? I know I took another man's life. Whether he was an asshole or not. Whether I acted by the book or not. That doesn't make him alive anymore, either. You saw for yourself how the light went out in his eyes. And I alone am to blame for that."
Carlos jumped up, ran into the bathroom and slammed the door. TK felt miserable. How in the world could he take away Carlos' pain? The answer was simple: he couldn't. Carlos could only forgive himself. But to come to that realization would take a while. Until then, TK could only be there for him and show him how much he loved him.
Carlos held on to the sink. He barely dared to lift his head to look at his reflection. Finally, he did. He still looked the same as he had this morning. Of course, what had he expected? There was no murderous grimace staring back at him. Carlos Reyes was still Carlos Reyes. When his gaze briefly fell on his hands, he meant them full of blood. But his hallucination lasted only a fraction of a second. However, it was enough to give him a good scare. Was he going crazy? Carlos closed his eyes, trying to stifle a burgeoning panic attack. Maybe he should have fired a well-aimed shot after all? What if that had gone wrong, too? Carlos was back to square one. He turned on the faucet and splashed cold water on his face. The trembling of his hands slowly spread to his whole body.
A soft knock on the door, "Baby, hey, are you okay? You want me to come in?"
Carlos knew TK wouldn't leave his side as long as he felt he was in bad shape. He wiped his face with the towel and opened the door, a crack. Just enough to look TK in the eye.
"You don't mind spending the night with a murderer?" asked Carlos, barely audible.
"You... you're not a murderer. It was an accident, Carlos. A stupid accident. The guy was high as a kite. Stop thinking you're a monster. You're a cop. You only have a split second to make a life-or-death decision. After all, that wasn't a pocket knife he was holding. I don't want to think about what he could have done to you with it. Get out of the damn bathroom. We can sit on the couch or go to bed. Anywhere is more comfortable than standing around here."
TK held out his hand. "Come on."
For that simple gesture alone, Carlos loved this man. TK had his rough edges, yet he was so full of love. No sooner had Carlos taken TK's hand than TK pulled him close and said, "I can't promise you to solve all your problems, but I can promise you that you won't face them alone."
And while Carlos allowed his tears to fall, TK leaned in and kissed him. The kiss, so bittersweet and tender, sealed his promise.