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The raid was successful, they boarded the ship with ease, took as much loot as possible, got away with very few injuries and now Stede was sitting on the quarterdeck's stairs, watching his crew sort through their treasure. The crew were smiling and laughing, discussing some gory details that he would rather forget. Everyone seemed happy. Everyone but Stede, who still couldn't shake the feeling that he did something wrong.
He replayed the raid through his mind, going through everything he did and every word he spoke. He didn't do anything wrong, he knew that, but his mind refused to settle as it started bombarding him with "what ifs". What if some of the crew were actually hurt but lied to him? What if he said too much to someone and they could use it against him? What if the crew found him foolish for how he had acted? He could begin to hear Nigel's voice starting to taunt him, tearing apart everything he said and looking at it through a microscope. Come on Baby Bonnet, you're pathetic, sitting here and worrying that you did something wrong. Of course you did, you always do something wrong. Nigel was always there, always ready to strike at Stede's weakest moments.
Stede stood quickly, making his way towards his cabin as he felt a familiar sting behind his eyes. Stupid, stupid, stupid. You fucked it up. You ruined it and everyone hates you now. He avoided eye contact with the crew, thankful that most of them seemed too busy dealing with dead bodies and patching up wounds to notice their captain. As soon as he got inside, Stede slid to the floor, his back against the bed, his nails digging into his palms. Aw, poor baby bonnet, crying on the floor. I wonder what your crew would think if they saw you now.
Stede breathed through his nose and out through his mouth, trying to ground himself. "I'm fine, the crew is fine, I did nothing wrong, they don't hate me." he repeated this mantra in his head, trying to block out Nigel's cruel remarks, as his fingers scratched at the skin of his hands. His eyes closed as he tried to calm himself down. Nobody got badly hurt. They got all the loot they could. They didn't even kill everyone on board. He didn't say anything stupid or embarrassing. He didn't make any mistakes. He was okay, he was okay, he was okay.
Stede's eyes snapped open at the sound of footsteps and the creak of the door opening. Ed stood in the doorway, searching for something with his eyes until his gaze finally fell on Stede, curled up on the floor against his bed. "Stede? Is everything okay?" Ed's voice was filled with concern as he made his way over to Stede, sitting down in front of him with a grunt.
"Yes, everything is uh... quite alright." Stede's smile was strained, forced on his face in hope that Ed would leave him be. He knew he wouldn't, Ed was far too good of a man to leave Stede when he was upset, so he was unsurprised when Ed ignored him and gently reached for his hand, his thumb rubbing circles against the back of it.
"What's wrong, love? Are you hurt?" Ed eyebrows furrowed as his mouth pulled in to a frown, eyes skittering across Stede's form, searching for any sign of injury, his free hand hovering in the air.
Stede reached for the hand in the air, shaking his head as he spoke, "No, no, I'm okay." He genuinely smiled this time, his eyes going soft over Ed's care for him. Care you don't deserve, the self-deprecating voice in his head said.
Ed removed one of his hands and placed it on Stede's cheek, his thumb wiping away tears, "Then what's wrong?" Funny, Stede didn't even realise he was crying.
Stede sighed, eyes darting away from Ed, his cheeks turning a slight shade of red, "It's... Silly, really."
"No it's not. Not if it's upsetting you."
"It's just..." He trailed off, sighing as his gaze was brought back down to their hands. He gently removed his from Ed's, going back to picking at the skin of his other hand. "I feel like I've done something wrong. But I haven't, or at least I think I haven't..." His eyebrows furrowed, mouth turning into a pout as he once again thought back on everything he did. What if he did do something wrong?
"Stede." Ed's voice was firm, trying to get his attention. He ignored him. "Stede, look at me." Reluctantly, Stede brought his head up, looking back at Ed's eyes. "You're okay. You haven't done anything wrong." He squeezed his hand as the one on Stede's cheek moved to the back of his head, slowly pulling his head to rest against his chest. His hand carded through the blond locks, trying to soothe his boyfriend. Stede's own arms came up to wrap around Ed's chest, hands grasping tightly to the fabric of his shirt.
"But what if I said something? Or did something stupid? Or what if I caused one of the crew to accidentally get hurt? Or what if everyone has been lying to me and they hate me? Or what if-"
Stede's panicked ramblings were cut off by Ed's soft, soothing voice, "Hey, hey, hey. Nobody hates you, alright?" He pressed a soft kiss to the blond's forehead. "And if they do, I'll simply kill them for it, mate." His lame joke was rewarded with the most lovely sound he ever heard; Stede's gentle chuckle, the sound of it vibrating against Ed's chest and making his heart swell with love for the man in his arms.
"I'm sure someone must hate me, or else I'm not a very good pirate, am I?" You're not.
Ed laughed, "You've got a point, mate. I'm sure you're feared and hated by many."
"Mm, good." Ed didn't like the tired tone in Stede's voice, as if that one joke took all the energy from him. He was about to reply when Stede spoke up again, "Why must everything be so exhausting?" Stede choked slightly on his words, burrying his head further into his chest. "Why can't I just... Do something and not worry afterwards?"
Ed's heart ached, his arms tightening their hold on Stede, one hand rubbing the small of his back. He wasn't sure what to say so he continued stroking his hair, pressing kisses to his head, hoping he could comfort him with his actions rather than his words. He heard a soft sniffle coming from Stede before his shirt was being soaked with tears, Stede's shoulders gently shaking under his arms. "Shh, you're alright, it's okay," he whispered soft nothings into his ear, hoping to calm him in any way possible.
"It's so stupid. I'm so stupid. Nigel was right, I am pathetic. I'm crying over things that never happened, stuff people never even said," Stede sobbed into Ed's chest, voice catching every now and again. Nigel and Chauncey would be having a lovely time right now if they could see him blubbering like an idiot. "God, I'm so tired."
"Hey, you're not stupid." Ed's voice left no room for arguing, his hand moving from Stede's hair to rest on his face, gently bringing it up to look at him. "I don't really know what's wrong, but Nigel was an idiot and you know that." He knew very little about Nigel, only bits and pieces from the crew and Stede, but if he was alive right now, Ed would run him through gimself. His thumbs casted across Stede's face, rubbing away tears. "What can I do for you?"
Stede swiped his arm over his face, trying to dry away the tears some more. "I don't know," he sighed, eyes downcasted, fiddling with the buttons of his jacket. "I just... I wish I could do something, anything, whether that's a raid, or going to some party, or buying flowers from that lovely town we stop by sometimes, or just anything, without feeling horrible. Without feeling like I messed it up when I don't even know what it is."
Ed hummed, thumbs stroking back and forth Stede's cheeks absentmindedly as he thought. "How about, when you start worrying over what you've done, you come see me instead, and I can reassure you that everything's okay?" He gave Stede a small smile. It wasn't a great solution, but it was the best he had.
Stede's hands came up to rest on Ed's wrists. "Okay." He nodded. "I think I can do that." He smiled back at him, his eyes still puffy and red but holding a small spark in them now.
"Good." Ed's hands trailed down to Stede's, lacing their fingers together. "Now, come on." He gently pulled them to their feet and placed his hands on Stede's shoulders, lowering him on to the bed.
Stede made a sound of protest at the back of his throat, "Shouldn't we go out there and see if the crew are okay?" His brows furrowed in confusion as Ed motioned for him to scoot over on the bed. As soon as he did, Ed climbed in next to him and pulled him against his chest, tucking Stede's head under his chin.
"They're fine, and besides, you said you're tired, so we're resting. All good pirate captains need their rest," Ed muttered against Stede's hair, nuzzling his nose against his head.
Look at you, getting comforted when you don't deserve it. Just learn to deal with it on your own, Stede. "But our shoes are still on and there's blood on our clothes and-" his attempt at changing Ed's mind was cut off with a gentle kiss.
A content hum escaped Stede's lips as Ed moved back. "Okay, I suppose we can stay here for a bit." He tangled his legs with Ed's and wrapped his arms around him
"Good." Ed smiled against his hair, peppering his head with kisses. "I love you, Stede."
Stede closed his eyes, his thoughts becoming quieter by the second. "I love you too, Ed."