Chapter Text
Aled never really liked talking.
He did smile a lot though. And when he did, the whole world lit up around him. He held power inside of him and he welded that power carefully and gracefully. He never let too much of it shine through. Knew that if people around him noticed, they could take it away. It was safer within, undisturbed, invisible for most and blessing only a few. The most important people in his life. Like Charlie and Tao.
He was twelve years old when he realized he was aromantic. Possibly asexual too.
He never liked anyone. Never wanted to get with anyone. Never even wanted to kiss anyone.
He was convinced that he was just like everyone else until he was 14 though. Tried to make himself have crushes and be in love and hold hands and do all the things teenagers do apparently. It didn't work.
All it did was make life heavier and clouded even the sunny days. A pressure formed in him, crushing his spirit little by little, almost unnoticeably, almost like it didn't even affect him, like he could just brush it away. Like seeing couples finding soulmates in each other didn't crush him. Like it didn't make him want to die in the worse days.
He supposed it was all in his head. That it was a question of just changing his mindset and accepting himself the way he was. And maybe that really would work and could make him feel better about himself. But he didn't know how to do that.
How could he feel so bad about something he deep down didn't even want? Why did it hut so much to be conditioned all your life to find the one true and superior form of love and then realize as you grow up that you'll never be able to?
It was unfair. And Aled was angry. Angry at the world, angry at couples, angry at himself. In the beginning of the school year he started to close of and turn in on himself noticeably for his friends too.
He skipped class more often then not, forging signatures and lying about doctor's appointments.
He hated school. Hated the people there. Hated how happy they were, hated how he didn't fit in with them at all. Sure he had Charlie and Tao and Nick. But even they didn't seem real lately.
He started to question every relationship he had and every form of love he was experiencing in his life.
What was love? What did it mean? Could he even love anyone? His friends? Or did he just like the way they made him feel about himself when they were together?
---
Charlie was the first person he opened up to. It was the middle of november, the whether was shit and everything felt awful.
He felt wrong in his skin. Like he wanted to crawl out of it, trapped, suffocated.
"What's wrong?" Charlie asked, his eyebrows drawn together in concern.
"Nothing" Aled said without thinking as he readjusted the strings of his backpack.
"Al. Talk to me. Please."
They sat down at a bench near the bus station. All the other students were swirling out of the school building like little cheerful ants, talking, socializing, thinking about what to do, where to go next. Aled felt his stomach churn just looking at them.
"I just genuinely hate school."
Aled tried to hide the bitterness in his voice with a chuckle but it came out quite forced and sounded strained.
Charlie seemed like he didn't know how to respond.
"Oh... I didn't know you felt that way. I'm sorry to hear that."
He sounded a bit hurt, like what Aled had said was somewhat offending to him, like a personal attack.
Aled didn't feel like apologizing though. He didn't feel like doing anything. It was all pointless anyways.
"Is there anyway I can help?" Charlie asked reaching out and hesitantly putting a hand onto his shoulders.
"I just don't feel like I fit. Anywhere," Aled decided to give in, even if just a bit. To try and show a part of him that had been hidden for so long.
It was the truth. He really didn't fit. He was alone. So painfully alone. Or maybe he wasn't, but it still was the way he felt right now.
"I think nobody feels like they fit in. So..." Charlie's voice was somehow light, easy. To Aled he sounded like he was brushing him off, not truly listening, undermining his problem. And that's when he realized Charlie could never understand.
Maybe no one could.
He felt tears well in his eyes, though he never let them spill.
---
At the end of the year, their school held a gala. Everyone was dressed up elegantly, sitting in the big auditorium. They watched as the students of the school performed. Aled always hated performing, even though sometimes it felt like that was the only thing that could make him valuable in the eyes of his parents.
"I'm gonna step outside for a bit," he whispered into Tao's ear and headed towards the exit.
By a sudden urge to escape everything and everyone he went up to the school roof. His steps were slow, measured. He was in no rush.
It was a beautiful, calm night. You could almost see the stars if you squinted, even the light pollution couldn't make them disappear completely.
Aled was wearing a long purple dress. It wasn't too fluffy and it just felt right on his skin. From his ears two sunflower earrings dangled.
He felt alright, he felt beautiful. He did his makeup and nails before the event too. Not really because he thought he had to look in a certain, elegant way in order to blend in. It was more of a good opportunity to try out some new things, and see wether he liked them on himself.
And it turned out he did. He felt good about himself when he looked into the mirror. He felt like himself. This was something that was only for him, it was his and only his. No one could take it away.
If he couldn't fall in love with a single soul in this universe, at least he could be a little extra if it made him feel better - Aled thought and let a weak smile tug at his lips.
He put on one of his favorite Alt-J songs, not bothering with headphones as he was all alone on the roof and let the music engulf him, taking him to a freer, safer place.
He rested his elbows against the railings and glanced over the city. the clouds. the air.
I'm never gonna be happy - he thought.
And that made him want to die. Not in an active way. He wouldn't act on the thought. It was there though, unwavering and pulsating steadily behind his eyes. Pushing him, hurting him.
"Oh luxury suits you, Mr Last."
Aled turned around slowly, wiping at his eyes, flicking away a single tear as he turned off the music.
Maybe it was just one tear, but it held more weight than any lie Aled has ever told himself.
"Oh. What are you doing here?" the boy asked, looking wearily at no other than Nick Nelson aka rugby-lad, Charlie's perfect boyfriend.
A love of someone's life.
Aled wondered what it would feel like to experience the love of a lifetime.
He never will.
He never could.
He felt wronged, he felt robbed. He felt scared. Scared of the whispers, the loneliness, his friends. Scared of life and what living it in a non traditional way meant for him.
"I just," Nick gestured vaguely in his direction.
"I wanted to tell you that you look beautiful. And how awesome I think you are. Sorry, I know this is random, and we don't really talk all that much." Nick trailed off, and took a few hesitant steps towards where Aled was standing.
"That's very kind. Thank you. You look beautiful too," Aled answered and offered a genuine smile.
"Huh, no one ever called me beautiful before. It feels... nice." A light blush started to spread on Nick's face and he quickly looked away.
"No one ever called me beautiful either," Aled admitted then slid down and pressed himself against the cold metal of the railing.
Nick took this as an okay to stay, and lowered himself next to Aled.
"So how are you doing? Is everything going well between you and Charlie?"
It was like the question came out on autopilot. He didn't even really want to know how their relationship was evolving. Call him a bad friend, but he didn't really care.
He always cared about the person and never the couple.
Nick looked at him, his eyes held concern and bore into his intently.
"I don't think you want to talk about that right now."
"Yeah. I- actually I really don't. Sorry." Wow, he sounded like a total jerk.
He didn't mean to hurt Nick's feelings. But something told him that Nick didn't take it the wrong way.
Something about this conversation made him feel like the weight of years started to lift off of his shoulders. He could breathe, and his mind was clear.
"I don't really want to talk about couples. Like ever."
He stiffened, and chanced a glance at Nick's expression. When he saw nothing but gentle curiosity, he decided to continue.
"I'm aromantic. I don't know if you'd heard of it. For me it means I don't or can't like anyone romantically."
Nick looked thoughtful for a moment and started rubbing his chin.
"Does that mean you've never had a crush?"
Aled nodded and sighed.
All he could think of was how much he hated himself because of this.
"Man, that actually sounds pretty neat. Like living without all the drama. Not having to go through any heartbreaks."
Anger bubbled up inside Aled at that. But he soon dismissed it. There was no point in feeling angry. How could Nick ever understand that his whole life felt like a heartbreak right now?
Even though what Nick said held some truth in it, putting it like that was so far away from how Aled was feeling about this whole situation at the moment.
"Sorry, that was probably very insensitive," Nick apologized as he noticed Aled's face fall.
"What's it like for you?"
Aled took in a deep, shaky breath, not really knowing how to explain. This was the first time he ever told anyone, and he didn't know how to racionalize all of his messy thoughts.
"It's pretty shitty. Right now at least. I feel like I'm missing out. It feels like yearning for something so badly but deep down knowing you would never even enjoy having it. It's like all your life people have been telling you how incredible a place is, and how being there is going to change your world. And when you get there you just see an empty space while everyone else is having all these life changing experiences there... I just whish... I whish I wasn't me. Even though I like myself a lot. I just dont like this society I think... Sorry I'm not making any sense."
This word vomit really wasn't like him. Was he this desperate for someone to just understand?
"That sounds really shitty. I'm very sorry you feel this way Aled."
He didn't look up, feeling rather than seeing Nick's searching eyes on his face.
"We're, I'm here for you though. You don't have to be alone with this, I hope you know that. You're not alone."
Nick sounded so sincere, and maybe Aled, even if for just a moment wanted to believe him.
"Thanks Nick. I really needed to hear this. I think I'd better get back now though. Charlie and Tao are probably wondering why I left them to suffer through the show alone."
Nick stood first, and helped Aled up next.
"After you." Nick playfully bowed as he held out the door for none other than Aled Last/Isaac Henderson, aro-ace icon.
Aled gathered himself, straightened his back, slightly pulled up his dress, so he wouldn't step on it as he climbed down the stairs and put out his arm, for Nick to grab onto it. The two of them sprinted down the stairs, trying their best not to trip and fall.
Aled wished life could always feel like this. Easy. Light. Free.