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When Diluc was 18 years old, he ran away from his home, from Dawn Winery. Although no one could blame him— his father succumbed to the toxic powers of a Delusion and his closest confidant, someone who stood by his side for many years, was revealed to be a traitor. Was he supposed to stay behind and watch as his father's death was swept under the rug? Was he supposed to stay behind as he watched Kaeya clutching desperately at his right eye, hands stained with red with an expression that didn't belong on his face? Was he supposed to stay behind, knowing that the ending blow that released his father into peaceless oblivion was not the powers of his Delusion but his own Vision? He left Mondstadt anyway, in search of the truth of what a Delusion was...
Well, that was supposed to happen.
When Diluc was 18 years old, on the dirt paths without a destination, he found out that he had some limited access to his Pyro abilities despite not wielding his Vision. He had managed to light his own campfire before some Dendro slimes attacked him. It would have been easy to defend himself against slimes if he had his greatsword, but he improvised and managed to burn the slimes with his hands. But without his Vision, the flames grew angry, crawling around his fingertips as they burned his skin. Diluc remembers the immense pain, how he ran towards the nearest pool of water and submerged his hands in them, and how the flame fought to stay alive before they were extinguished. A dark thought occurred to him that day when he pulled his hands out, looking at the raw dashes of burned skin around his palms and fingertips.
This dark thought turned into a darker question: When did he stop feeling anything else?
—
When Diluc was a little past 19 years old, he returns back to Dawn Winery. He's close to finding out the truth of his father's Delusion but he's missing a few pieces. One of these pieces was hidden in his father's study. So, when Diluc was 19 years old, he breaks into the manor that he once called home. The moon is nigh above, though the clouds diminish its illuminating beauty. He doesn't see the point of telling his father's staff that he's returned... if they were even here. He's not sure; he hasn't kept up with anyone since then. After searching through every drawer and every shelf in his father's study, he doesn't find much.
"He kept his records hidden in the library, inside the third volume of the number of birds in Teyvat."
Diluc snapped his head, his entire body on edge with his back towards the broken window as he stares straight in front of him. The clouds allow the moon to shine once again and he sees Adelinde's face, somber and quiet, as she stares back at him. Though the head of the staff, she stands before him in a modest nightgown, hair loose but her stance still mimics her usual stance whenever she approached him. He doesn't say anything, hoping that she'll just leave without saying anything else but they both stand there for a bit. She then steps into the room a bit more, something that immediately has him on edge, before turning her body and tilting her head down. It was a sign of respect, of her allowing him to enter more into the manor.
Diluc nods nonetheless and goes around the desk, making his way towards the door.
"If you could give me a few minutes, I can also prepare a first-aid kit for your travels."
Diluc stills just underneath the doorway. Adelinde is still bowing, her eyes closed and perhaps out of habit, he nods, not saying a word before speedily walking towards the library that's down the hall. His mind is reeling though. Since coming from the warmer parts of Sumeru, he's grown accustomed to wearing loose clothing and shorter sleeves. Since he was never near anything remotely like civilization unless needed, he's gotten used to... By the time he finds his father's records, right where Adelinde said it was, he's scratching at his own arms and forearms.
There are many scars that decorate his arms. He can only name a few of them that were from the monsters that he's fought. Again, he still has access to some of his Pyro abilities. Unfortunately, ever since he was 18 years old, he's learned how to hurt himself, how to leave scars that barely resemble a burn and that can be easily explained as trophies from the battles he's won against monsters and other adversaries. Most of the time, the scars will appear on his arms and forearms— they were the easiest for him to see where he could start and where he could stop the pain. However, if desperate enough, if there wasn't enough skin for him, he'd start marking his legs, sometimes his flanks and very rarely his chest or back.
Adelinde's always been observant. Quiet, but observant. Kind and quiet but observant. Still... even in the dim moonlight, he didn't think she'd be able to see his scars.
Diluc doesn't wait for the first-aid kit Adelinde made. He also doesn't want to think about how Adelinde might know the truth about the scars.
—
When he finally returns to Mondstadt, Diluc opts to wear long sleeves, wearing gloves, and hide anything that could lead to others knowing about his scars. He doesn't care for other people's opinions, he just wants to avoid the questions. Where did you get this scar? Wow, did it hurt? How many scars do you have? How should he answer these questions? Does he tell them the lies he's told himself many times: it's the hilichurls, the mitacurls, the slimes, the Fatui, anything and everything that attacks and kills? Does he tell them the truth— that he's been slowly and surely killing himself each time a scar appears?
He's both welcomed and shunned when he steps into the manor again. His staff, at least the ones that he had grown up seeing, are still there but there are also some new faces. Adelinde told him that some of the older staff had since passed away (the shunning)— he grinds his teeth but Adelinde's assured him that their funeral arrangements were paid off. Although a comforting fact, it doesn't help that now his entire body is on fire— he wants to scratch but he knows he's just itching to burn himself a little bit more. It's an irrational thought to assume that people would die to avoid another person but... so is purposely hurting yourself.
The camp of hilichurls is cleared out near the Falcon Coast. Diluc plants his greatsword in the sand, watching it disappear and return back into his Vision. The moon is nigh above, bright and overpowering. He looks up and for a moment, he forgets that he's back in Mondstatdt, that he's only out here because a certain Calvary Captain "misspoke" about a nearby camp that needed some cleaning. But he knew better— Kaeya was never that truly dumb. Which made hiding certain things harder than others. There were a couple of times Kaeya's almost caught a glimpse of it, of one of his many scar. He shouldn't care about what a traitor thinks but still, he purposely hides and deflects however he can.
Instead of walking back to the manor, Diluc opts to sit on a boulder that's on the beach shores. He stares quietly at the endless sea, at the sparkles reflecting the calm waters. Though on high alert, there shouldn't be any enemies or nearby camps so... in this moment, in this time and space, Diluc is... safe.
"Thanks for cleaning up."
His body immediately straightens before turning around and seeing a familiar figure walking towards him. On instinct, he glares openly as Kaeya waves ever so casually and he briefly wonders just how long Kaeya's been watching him battle the hilichurls. But Diluc ignores that train of thought as he starts to stand up from the boulder, hands dusting off his pants. He needs to leave soon anyway, so that he can—
"You... you're bleeding..." Kaeya's voice is even and it's enough for Diluc to blink, looking down.
Sure enough, there's an unnecessarily large gash across his right flank. Blood staining black isn't something most people would notice, if at all. Except he has been bleeding ever so slowly for a while as evident by the stain on the boulder that he once sat on when he turns to look. Is that why he felt so at peace? Diluc hesitatntly moves his hand to cover the gash but it's as though he's never seen blood before, mezmerized at how the blood continues to bleed through his clothes, onto his fingers and slipping past it. He moves his head up, watching as Kaeya comes closer and closer while he searches haphazardly for the weapon that knicked him. Diluc steps forward once he sees the weapon and is surprised that he's met with something warm in front of him. He feels his breathing becoming heavy as he lifts his head to see Kaeya and... a worried expression on his face?
"Diluc, what are you—"
"I-It's not... a normal..." Diluc grimaces, using his elemental sight to see the arrowhead on the ground glowing ominously red.
Kaey brings his arm around his shoulder, another hand adding more pressure to his right hand as he glances over to the arrowhead. His hairs tickle Diluc's face as he hears a click to his left. Since when did hilichurls learn how to make weapons with Corrosion? But his mouth doesn't feel that this thought is worthy enough to be said out loud. Instead, his mouth struggles to bring oxygen to his lungs as he feels his chest heaving. He tries to look over at Kaeya, who now holds a very serious face (something that doesn't suit him) and he's saying something to him. But he can't make it out and he ignores how his heart is beating faster, how the hand against his feels all too warm, how Kaeya's entire body feels all too warm for him. Again, Kaeya is saying something and his eye seems to be panicky but.. that can't be right.
Kaeya shouldn't be panicking because of him... right?
In the dead of night, Mondstadt is quiet. The very few people out are usually drunkards, those that regret and those that don't care for much. Even Katheryne isn't particularly paying attention as she continues to read.
But the pair make it back to Kaeya's place, which was the closer of the two locations. The corroded wound is currently being kept at bay by Kaeya's limited healing abilities— he's just surprised that his Cryo-made bandage isn't melting. Diluc, however, is barely conscious as his legs struggle to keep up with their steady pace up the stairs, his mind in a constant state of dull awareness. He's aware that he's not longer near Falcon Coast, that he's no longer bleeding profusely, that Kaeya smells like forest pine, that his apartment smells like he just did laundry. He's aware that Keya's fingertips are soft against his own hand, that his fur collar feels nice against his face, that he's currently being led into a bathtub in the bathroom. He's also aware of how tired he is, of how Kaeya's currently trying and desperately stripping off his coat, of how cool the tub is.
When Diluc closes his eyes, the last image he sees is Kaeya and he wonders briefly if that'll be truly the last thing he'll ever see.
It was a nice dream. Something very simple, something quiet. Diluc sat down on something and there was noise next to him. At first, he thinks its words but he can't seem to understand them. Then there's a laugh and when he turns, he's taken aback at the joyous look on Kaeya's face. Diluc watches entranced, unable to look away as the Kaeya in front of him continue to talk. An arm is slung around his shoulders, eyes finally looking away to the hand that's dangling on his right shoulder. When he turns around, probably to say something, to say anything, he's all too close to Kaeya.
The arm that's holding him hostage pulls him in more, towards Kaeya, towards his smile, towards his eye, towards...
—
"Good morning, princess,"
The ceiling is white and not his usual sight. Blinking a few more times, Diluc finally realizes that he's in Kaeya's bed, that it is most definitely just early in the morning as the sun is only coloring the skies. He struggles to bring himself up, only just realizing that his entire upper body is fully unclothed, that there's a large bandage wrapped around his stomach, flanks and back. There's an unsettling warmth that starts to appear in his stomach. He looks over to his right and sees Kaeya very casually wearing a loose shirt and pants with two cups in his hands. He passes it to him and Diluc takes it carefully, peering down at the muddy water in his cup. The smell of the black tea brings additional warmth to his body and he's not sure if that's good news or bad news. He still remembers huh?
"T-Thank you..." he whispers.
"Oh, I didn't catch that," Kaeya deadpans, not breaking his gaze as he carefully takes a sip of his drink.
Diluc rolls his eyes, opting to fully ignore him as he carefully takes a sip of his tea. Perfectly brewed with just enough sugar to make it sweet without overpowering. He really does remember. Armed with tea and a slight caffeine hit, he's now fully aware of the events that transpired last night. That's he's also most definitely shirtless in Kaeya's bed. That Kaeya has most definitely got a look at the many scars all over his body. Diluc struggles to place the tea on the small table beside the bed, readying himself to get up and leave. Except Kaeya's too quick (maybe he's too slow) and there's a hand on his chest as the bed dips.
"No way."
Diluc gathers all his strength to active glare at the teasing smile on Kaeya's face. But he needs to go, to get out of here before... to get out of here before Kaeya— Something black falls onto the bed and Diluc stares in shock at the long, pale scar that cuts through Kaeya's right eye. He always knew that he never became blind after their fight but to see such a jagged scar across his face. Blue eyes glance quietly over his hands, trailing up to the multiple scars on his arms. Red eyes look away.
"I think I'd rather have you fight me than do this," Kaeya jokes.
"You don't understand!" Diluc spits out.
He's found the rage that has been so desperately trying to run away from him. Bright, burning red eyes finally meet cool, light blue eyes. There's a moment of silence between the two, neither of them backing down. Diluc is unrightfully angry, of course. Kaeya has never known what it was like losing two people that he's ever loved, to kill someone you love with your own hands, to feel the knife of betrayal stab his soul countless times. He has never felt the intoxicating, deprecating feeling of losing yourself, of being unable to find a purpose that any purpose is just a distraction from the pain. Kaeya's never felt so lost that only pain and death could only ever be seen as a reward, not a punishment.
His right arm is being pulled closer to him and Diluc watches the glint in his eyes. It's a light, teasing look as he feels something warm on the large scar that curves around his wrist. The warmth keeps moving to the next scars on his right hand, on his forearm. Diluc's breath stutters, his chest heavy, heart heavier, as Kaeya moves up towards the thin, mulitple scars in the middle of his upper arm, lips delicate but all too warm against his skin. His eyes shut close, unable to fight against the loose hold that Kaeya has him in. Was it shame that he felt? Why? Why should Diluc feel ashamed in front of him... in front of Kaeya?
He opens his eyes wide and is in shock when he feels lips leave the last scar on his right arm, the scar that extends up towards his collar. Kaeya doesn't look like this, he thinks quietly. Kaeya is manipulative, can only barely be trusted. He's also a flirtatious idiot who is all too good with words. He's destructive at best when he tries to save others and near atrocious when he's torturing his enemies. Kaeya doesn't look like this. It must be pity, Diluc reasons. Because whoever is in front of him looks a lot like the Kaeya of yonder years, eyes happy just to see him.
When Kaeya smiles, the dam breaks. It's shame that drives Diluc to hang his head. It's shame that collects and burns his eyes. It's shame that has him so despondently holds Kaeya's arm in place. It's the shame of knowing that Kaeya wanted to die by his hands. It's the shame of knowing that if he had succeeded in killing Kaeya that day, he would have killed himself too. It's the shame of knowing that he had left a scar on his beautiful face, that he has to resort to wearing an eyepatch to hide it. It's the shame that every day since, he's been slowly and surely trying to get himself kill only for the universe to reward him with life after every single adversity, after every single monster that lies in the dark.
Diluc feels something warm around his neck, something that pulls him closer and closer until he's in the crook of his neck. His arm moves on his own accord, wrapping itself around Kaeya's back. He hears something whispered to him, something so barely heard it could have passed off as just puffs of breaths. No more, was what Kaeya said, what Diluc thinks Kaeya said. But Diluc pulls back, allowing the few tears to continue falling on his face. But Kaeya's still smiling and it's sincere. Sincere enough for Diluc to fully appreciate it, to lean over, to kiss him so slowly that time freezes. When he pulls away, Diluc fully expects confusion, maybe even hatred but it never happens. Because as he pulls away, Kaeya follows and continues to follow until his head hits the pillow below, blue hair loosely dangling and tickling from above.
No more, Kaeya mouths to him. He isn't referring to the kiss.
Diluc steadily brings up his hand, cupping his face gently as his thumb runs over the scar on the right side of his face. Kaeya plays along, eyes closing as he revels in the touches. But Diluc feels himself spiraling again, eyes hyper-fixated on the rough edges of Kaeya's scar. But his hand is being pulled away and Kaeya, who once held such a gentle and affectionate look, leers at him. He's saying that he should go back to sleep, that he'll be back later in the afternoon. Diluc's body had since agreed as his eyes start becoming heavier and heavier. There's something warm on his forehead, then against his cheeks and lastly on his lips and he dreams again.
—
When Diluc was 22 years old, he stopped hurting himself.