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When Susan was young, a small girl still, her mother only praised her for her beauty. She was the pride and joy of her parents with her long dark hair, the warm brown eyes and a smile so saccharine. Her parents took her along to gatherings and social events as soon as she was deemed old enough and she was examined and eyed by the lords with long mustaches and the elderly ladies that gave her tips and tricks on how to stay thin and youthful. Susan never spoke much in these moments, or any time her parents were around, but it seemed like that was just the way the adults prefered her to be, quiet and beautiful.
Sometimes mother and father would bring Peter along, if they didn’t find it more necessary for him to stay at home to study. Whenever Peter was forbidden to come with them, Susan felt disappointed. Another evening of empty smiles and boring conversations. When Peter was there the attention was usually fixed on him long enough for Susan to at least eat a couple of the delicious cakes before one of the ladies chided her about gaining weight.
Sometimes Susan felt like she was being drained of everything that made her Susan. If she talked for longer than a polite answer, people would laugh and interrupt her, calling her an interesting child , with a tone of voice that made it clear that they weren’t in any way interested in what she had to say.
When she would finally be escorted home her mother would pinch her cheek hard, Susan learned soon that it was not a good idea to flinch, and call her her most precious girl.
In the evenings her brothers and sister would gather around her and ask her for stories about the people she met and Susan would speak until her voice was raspy. She would tell them of the business men that only spoke through cigarette smoke and made her voice low and gravelly when she recounted sentences about an upcoming war she didn’t understand. She would mimic the high pitched gossiping of the mothers of the debutantes and told secrets of star-crossed lovers she never met before.
Peter would laugh loudly while Edmund would make snide comments about the society Susan had to spend so many nights with, even if she would prefer to play with her siblings instead. Lucy would always look at Susan with awe filled eyes. In the night when the candles had been doused Lucy would whisper like a secret of the dresses she would love to wear once she was allowed to accompany Susan to the parties. Susan never had the heart to tell her how boring these gatherings really were.
As the Gentle Queen of Narnia Susan filled her role well. She smiled kindly at anyone and everyone, took compliments with a bashful gratitude and spoke in short but intelligent sentences only when she was spoken too. Edmund called her stuffy once and Susan smiled through the hurt. Lucy would sometimes look at her funny, when she didn’t participate in the mischief like she usually would, were they alone.
At breakfast Peter would sometimes ask her for her opinion of things his council had recommended and after a couple of months he finally coaxed her into sitting in the council room with him. It took even longer for Susan to speak when she was not directly asked a question.
The first time it happened and Susan interrupted one of the council members in a way her mother would have found infuriatingly rude, Susan had looked at Peter and saw a pride so golden in her brother's eyes that she nearly burst into tears. After that she allowed herself to speak more and more freely.
She spent a lot of time in the library reading through the books about politics and war strategies that were brought to the castle as presents for the kings but both of her brothers never looked further than the inside of the covers and let them gather dust on the shelves. Susan learned about foreign cultures, about important historical figures, about trade and customs. She learned how to ride a horse and spend hours in the woods trying to find the plants Lucy told her about, the ones with healing effects.
Every time a prince or king of another land would come to ask for her hand in marriage, Susan would decline with her saccharine smile. She still had so much to learn before she could focus on the trivial thing that was love.
With every day that Susan became more free and loud and just more herself, her siblings looked on with pride. Susan was proud of where she had come and how far she still wanted to go.
Then she was pushed through the wardrobe and it felt like all of her power and thought was pushed out of her as well.
Her mother’s pinches still hurt and Susan tried to once again smile through the pain.
It was unusually quiet in Miraz’ Castle after the festivities had finally settled. Or maybe it just returned to the way it was before.
Susan took up the habit of walking through the cold castle corridors early in the morning. She loved the sounds of the castle waking up, the smell of freshly made bread that wafted from the kitchens, the humming of the stable boys as they brought the horses their breakfast.
The sun never quite reached the castle walls like it used to in Cair Paravel. The stone seemed to swallow the warmth and laughter and Susan imagined Caspian’s childhood in these cold halls as one of sadness and loneliness. She didn’t seem far off by the stories the young king told in the late evenings by the fire, a few wine glasses deep.
He had asked her about Cair Paravel then and his eyes glowed in childish wonder when she told him of the sand white walls, the fountains and greenery. He spoke of the plans to rebuild it and Susan felt warm joy at the thought of seeing her home again, back in its glory.
Sometimes Peter would accompany her on her early walks and they would speak of the past and future, holding each other close as they whispered and giggled like children.
With every passing day Susan saw her siblings return to themselves. Peter had been full of anger since they were shoved out of the wardrobe. She felt powerless as she watched him losing his purpose day after day. He grew dim and quiet, but there was a fire burning in his eyes always, just not as golden as it used to be.
She watched him closely since they returned to their home, saw the way his back was straight again, heard his voice boom again and saw the way he looked at Caspian with gratitude and brotherly love.
It was also Caspian that brought back the fire in Edmund. He had turned quiet after their return to England. His humor had always been sniding but then it grew mean and cold.
Susan saw the breath filling Edmund’s lungs the first time he looked into Caspian’s eyes that day on the clearing. At their festivities Susan had sat close to Lucy and they laughed loudly as they watched Edmund dance with the fauns and dwarfs, redness high in his cheeks. Susan watched with a warm giddiness in her heart as Edmund’s wide smile turned into a shy, bashful one when Caspian asked for a dance.
Lucy was the first to bounce back. She didn’t stop talking about Narnia when they were thrown out of the realm. Even their parent’s heard some of her stories and laughed at the imagination of their little girl, not seeing the queen she really was. The laughter and bravado was also a shield, Susan knew. While she watched her sister laugh and plan mischief with her newfound friends, she was still able to spot the grief sitting heavy on Lucy’s shoulders.
On their walks Susan and Peter would often talk about their siblings, how far they had come and how much further they could still reach.
One morning Peter told her how sad he had been to see her get lost in her head again. Not in the way she did after days in the library or woods after learning and reading, after heated conversations or in preparations to big shenanigans she would plan with Lucy. But in the way where she was weighing up what people wanted to hear from her. How she stopped taking up room and relied on her youthful beauty more than her intellect. “I thought I had lost you again to our parent’s games,” he had whispered like a shameful secret and Susan had to hold back tears.
She wasn’t sure if she would ever again (ever even had) measure up to Peter’s image of herself. She wanted more than anything else, that her siblings would be proud of her, so she would learn what they needed and she would fill her role perfectly. There would be no more time wasted to her selfish need to learn but she would be the Gentle Queen again. For her siblings.
Peter’s smile was sad as if he heard her thoughts and was not happy with her decision.
The rest of their walk, they spent in silence and that was the moment Aslan had found them.
The big lion was near silent when he stepped up next to the elder Pevensie siblings. Susan breathed in deep as with Aslan’s arrival came the well loved feeling of home and belonging. In the corner of her eyes she saw Peter’s shoulders straighten and she furrowed her brows in confusion when she saw how Peter’s hands balled up to fists by his side. He was preparing himself for battle.
Aslan’s voice was low and warm when he spoke, “Peter, Susan. I hope you had all the rest you needed after the recent events.” Susan nodded her head and Peter only hummed. Susan glanced at the healing cut that was still read over Peter’s cheek.
None of them spoke for a while as they continued their walk. They had made it to the courtyard and Susan saw Lucy and Edmund on the bottom of the stairs, sitting in one of the only green parts of the cold gray castle. They were talking and laughing looking carefree and Susan found herself smiling. None of them seemed to belong in the stone walls that spoke of tyranny and sad childhoods.
This Narnia, this part of Narnia was so far from the youthful fun they used to have. But still Susan knew that it wasn’t them that didn’t fit. She had seen with her own eyes how Caspian and his Narnias grew loud and unabashed the longer they felt safe and loved and suddenly she was filled with a tired sort of grief. How did Aslan allow for it to go this far? Why didn’t he step in as soon as the first light in their eyes dulled?
She didn’t know how long it took for things to get bad after they had disappeared through the wardrobe. Did their subjects get the support they needed in their absence? Did Aslan ever explain to their friends what had happened? Did they know Susan and her siblings never wanted to leave, never meant to abandon them?
Susan’s heart hurt when she imagined the betrayal they must have felt. How it seemed that the kings and queens had just left them behind with no explanations about their whereabouts.
They never meant for this to happen. Aslan hadn’t just robbed them of their lives but their friends of their kings and queens as well. How many times in history forces bigger than them had interrupted lives in unstoppable ways and had left them in the dust to fight for themselves? She hoped the years after the white stag, the wardrobe, were quiet and happy times in Narnia. She wouldn’t want to think about it were they not.
The fury Susan had felt since their return to England still seethed under her skin. She was never as loud about her anger as Peter was but she felt it everyday. She felt tired and energetic at the same time, like she could move mountains but also like she wanted to cry for eons, and there was nothing she could do about it, as she was powerless to Aslan’s plans.
She looked at the lion and saw him looking back. His eyes were endless and sad and with a sudden jolt Susan knew that he was about to send them back.
They were still nursing their wounds, though it didn’t matter. They would disappear as soon as they stepped through the Aslan-made gateway. Their bodies wouldn’t remember what happened to them now, a lifetime, a few weeks ago.
Susan still remembered it vividly when she stumbled over Edmund a few days after they had been sent back. He was in the bathroom of the gigantic manor searching for the burn marks Jadis' frozen fingers left on his forearms. His breathing had been frantic when he couldn’t find the evidence of his worst act.
They were close enough to their siblings that they looked up when Aslan spoke again.
“You have all been very brave my children and I owe you an apology to have brought you back after your time has already been over. The prophecies have spoken of your return but I know it doesn’t make the hurt any less. You have given the creatures of Narnia back their trust in me, their hope. You have aided them well and I will be forever grateful for your courage.
“This country has changed in your absence and I’m sure you have realized it is not your home any more. Rest assured that when you leave these lands behind there will come the time when I can greet you again, in my country. Though it won’t be for a long time.”
In the silence that followed the lion’s words Susan tried to suppress a sob. It seemed like the sun had dulled in the sky and the air didn’t taste sweet and fresh anymore. Instead there was only wet stone and dead leaves. Tears were in her eyes when she turned her back against Caspian, who had just appeared on top of the long stairs leading into the courtyard. The young king was walking towards them, smiling softly at having spotted them.
“It’s time to go, isn’t it?” She asked with a sad smile and Aslan only nodded his head.
Lucy made a low sound full of bone-deep anguish and Edmund closed his eyes against the sadness that was visible on his face. He looked up from where he had pulled gras from the ground in between his feet and met Caspian’s gaze. The young king’s brows furrowed and there was a stormy look on his face. If Caspian had been king longer, had been older, more self assured he maybe would have challenged Aslan on taking away his new friends, but Caspian was still young in his role, still too stunned by the magic.
Susan still tried to keep in the tears as she turned from Aslan’s ocean wide eyes back to look at her brother’s face. Peter stood still. His posture was full of fight and anger and for a second she was afraid of the power he held. Sometimes Susan thought of Peter as an unwavering force. He was loud when he wanted to be, forceful when needed. But there was a kindness in his heart that made the most gruesome men look like sad children. Throughout their lives, as kings and queens and even before and after that, Peter had been guiding them, fighting their battles for them. Susan knew that this time not even Peter could do something to stop Aslan’s intentions.
Like so many times before Susan was taken by surprise when Peter spoke.
“No,” Peter said loudly and firmly. A simple short word that pushed all of the air out of Susan’s lungs.
Her brother breathed in deep and met Aslan’s gaze. “Last time we had no choice. You just pushed us out. This time we do and no, I don’t want to go back. I never wanted to go back.” Peter’s eyes glimmered with anger and steadfastness, and even if the lion was bigger than him, more powerful than him, never with fear. “I don’t fault you for making us leave. We had nothing to offer Narnia at that time anymore. I am grateful that you gave us a second chance, but this chance was never in England, it was never anywhere else but Narnia. We belong here. We need Narnia just as much as it needs us.”
Susan felt herself begin to shiver. Peter glowed golden in the sun. The big lion huffed out a breath but Peter didn’t let him speak. “No, we are no longer the Kings and Queens of old, but we do not need to be, to be of worth.”
It was Lucy’s gasp that finally made Susan cower. The tears fell freely now and Susan couldn’t help the confused and hurt sound that came out of her mouth.
Here stood Peter, her brother, eye to eye with the strongest being and he was proud of having nothing. How was he still able to fight for what he wanted when they had no right to ask for it? Susan was so scared.
Everyone was silent and Susan didn’t dare to look up and see the sad understanding in Aslan’s eyes. How courageous Peter’s words had been, they were nothing against Aslan’s plans and power. He would make them leave like he did before. Susan would find herself with a broken heart in her dark blue dress her mother loved and Susan hated. She would get brought along to gatherings and get introduced to men with smaller mustaches than the ones of her childhood but the same boring topics to talk about. The rooms she would spend her time in would still smell of cigarette smoke and cheap perfume. She would never again be allowed to go on barefoot walks through the woods. She would be a jewel to present and one day be owned by one of those men.
Her siblings would dull again, lose all semblance of freedom again and grow bitter and cold. They would talk about Narnia in the beginning, before it hurt too much. They would talk less, look at each other less because their faces would remind them of what they lost. They would become shadows of themselves and long for the day Aslan would take them to his country.
Susan knew they were never meant to be happy.
Lucy stood slowly but with intention. “We wish to stay,” she said like the queen she was, “and aren’t our wishes as important, our will as loud, as your prophecies? Aren’t we allowed to create our own destiny?”
She took a couple of steps and stood next to Susan, looking at Aslan with the same steadfastness and power as their brother. Susan couldn’t breathe as sobs shook her shoulders. She grasped a hand in front of her mouth to soften the sounds coming from her. Lucy took her free hand and held on so tightly.
How courageous they both were. The Valiant Queen was usually full of mischief and laughter but Susan knew how powerful and strong Lucy could be to protect the ones she loved, to stand for what she believed in.
From the corner of her eyes Susan saw Edmund stand as well. With a quick look in Caspian’s direction he stood just a small step behind Peter. Ever the shadow, Edmund was a protector and supporter first and foremost. He didn’t say anything but his gaze was determined and strong on the big lion. Susan knew that Edmund had even less aspiration to be selfish than she did. Ice cold fingers made sure that he would never feel worthy enough to fight for his own wishes and desires.
Finally Susan looked up and straight into Aslan’s golden eyes. The lion was silent as he studied the siblings. Susan felt cut open. Everything was exposed and her broken heart bleed out all over Aslan’s feet.
There was strength in such vulnerability. Susan was reminded of the awe and fear she had seen in faces of friends and foes alike, when they were opposite the force that was her and her siblings. The kings and queens of the old Narnia were never ones to step down from deciding their own destiny. And why should this change now?
With a choked voice she barely recognized, Susan spoke her deepest wish like a prayer, “Please, let us stay.”
And Aslan looked at her, sighed out a breath full of warmth and belonging and nodded his big mane.
Like the first sunbeam after a storm, a spoonful of sugar or a jump into a refreshingly cold stream on the hottest day, Susan felt herself and all of her siblings breathe in a sigh of relief.
Before she could really make sense of what that meant for her, Lucy squealed loudly directly into her ear and pulled her into a bone-crushing hug. Peter reached for them too, pulling Edmund with him. The siblings fell to their knees as they all laughed and sobbed. Susan lost all sense of time but at some point Caspian was there as well, joining their family on the dusty castle ground.
Susan was still shivering. Too afraid to believe this to be true, she looked up from where her face had been pressed into Peter’s neck and saw Aslan sit next to them on the floor. His eyes shone with happiness.