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Both Ed and the duo of unknown brigands unwisely waving blades at him noticed the sound of rapidly galloping hoofbeats at the same time.
They turned to look as one, eyes widening and jaws dropping in succession as they all took in exactly what it was that they were looking at.
A chestnut mare was gunning straight for them, and riding atop that horse was Stede Bonnet, eyes flinty with focus, looking utterly and romantically windswept, his loose white shirt flapping open a bit with every gallop.
“Ed!” he called, extending his arm for Ed to clasp onto. “Grab my hand!”
Ed glanced over at the two bandits who had foolishly tried to stick him up to see if they planned to intercede, but they looked too stunned by what was happening to react. Ed took a calculated step backwards and stuck out his arm.
It was a very good thing Ed did not have time to think about the probable failure rate of what Stede was proposing, otherwise it may very well not have worked. But somehow, Ed was able to lock arms with Stede as he passed by, and between the momentum of him kicking off the ground as hard as he could and Stede hoisting him up and over, he was just able to swing a leg over the back of the horse, wrap his arms around Stede’s middle, and hold on for dear life.
The bandits snapped out of it just long enough to raise their knives in the direction of the retreating horse and jog after them ineffectually for a few steps before abandoning chase.
“Later, dickheads!” Stede called back to them as he spurred the horse down the length of the meadow at top speed, the bandits disappearing from view as they rounded a soft corner.
Ed roared with laughter, burying his face in Stede’s back and trying not to think about how fast they were moving. Have horses always been this bloody fast?
After another minute or so, Ed could feel Stede pulling back gently on the reins, slowing the horse to an easy canter. He heaved a sigh of relief and relaxed his grip on Stede just enough that he could sit fully upright on the horse and look around.
It was at this point that the reality of the situation hit him with the approximate weight and velocity of a cannonball. Ed became extremely aware of every part of his body, most especially the parts that were in direct contact with Stede—which presently were many.
Stede, seemingly oblivious, reached back and patted his leg. “That was a close one, eh? You alright back there?”
“Yeah, m’fine,” he replied distractedly. “Hey Stede?”
“Yeah, Ed?” Ed couldn’t see Stede’s face, but his sunny grin was audible.
“Did you just…” Ed shook his head, still reeling. “Did you just ride in on horseback to save me from imminent danger?”
“Huh.” Stede mulled this over for a beat before replying. “Yes, I suppose I did. And hey, now I can add ‘horse thief’ to my rap sheet. Fun!” he added brightly.
This absolute fucking menace. The nerve of this beautiful, beautiful idiot. Ed, thunderstruck, stared at the back of Stede’s head, willing him to explain himself, make it all make sense, before he continued.
“Do you realize that this may actually be the most romantic fucking thing that has ever happened?” Ed demanded. “Definitely to me, but possibly to anyone, ever?”
Ed watched Stede’s ears turn pink. This adorable bloody maniac.
“I suppose it was pretty cool,” Stede admitted.
“Cool, Stede?” Ed shook his head, incredulous. “Cool? That was…look, if I told people what just happened? They wouldn’t fucking believe me. They would be like ‘You’re full of shit, Ed! That doesn’t fucking happen in real life!’ But they’d be wrong, because it just happened! To me! My first time on a horse ever and fucking it’s this? How am I meant to recover from this, Stede?”
Ed felt Stede rumble with laughter beneath his hands and was overcome with the need to be closer to him.
“Fuck, Stede,” he murmured, leaning in as close to Stede as possible, trailing his fingers down the center of his chest, and pressing his lips to the soft skin of his exposed neck. The scent of him made Ed delirious with wanting, the heady musk of his cologne and the subtle hint of lavender amplified by the warmth of his exertions. “How are you this impossibly attractive?”
Stede shuddered deliciously against him. “I could ask you the same.” Stede’s voice came out in a husky whisper that caused every hair at the back of Ed’s neck to raise and tingle.
Stede pulled the horse to a full stop, dropping the reins in favor of twisting around as far as his body would allow, sliding his hand under Ed’s jaw, and pulling him forward into a fiery kiss, as befitted the inherent over-the-top romanticism of the increasingly absurd situation in which they currently found themselves. Ed half-expected to hear the sounds of orchestral swelling from the bushes—it couldn't possibly be any more ridiculous than what had just happened.
The growing rattle of hoofbeats and shouting in the distance behind them was as unwelcome as a dash of cold water and no less jarring.
“Oh, come on,” Ed wailed ineffectually towards the heavens as they broke apart, wrapping his arms around Stede once more as he took up the reins and stirred the horse back up to a rolling gallup, occupied once more with the important task of getting them the hell out of there rather than kissing him senseless.
“Later,” Stede said, quickly turning his head back to give him a cheeky wink before returning his attention to the road ahead. “I promise.”