Archive of Our Own

(WARNING! THIS WORK IS A PART OF A SERIES, AS WOULD A SERIES OF NOVEL BOOKS! Please head up to the series and click part 1 to get started. This story is a mystery genre, reading out of order will spoil the mystery for you.)

It was late. Raph yawned as he walked down the hall to his subway car. He didn’t feel tired but his body told him otherwise. He had some trouble sleeping the night before. Maybe I’ll have better luck this time , Raph thought.

Just then, as he walked past Leo’s room, he heard unintelligible mumbling and panicked breathing. Raph walked down the short flight of stairs and peered his head in to see Leo lying on his bed. Raph could see Leo’s plastron rise and fall quickly with his shallow breathing as Leo’s body was shaking with fear. His hand was lightly tapping his chest, quickly and repeatedly with anxious intent. Raph’s Mother Hen senses kicked in as his brother would only stim his hands like that when stressed.

“Leo?”, Raph asked.

The sun jolted and sat up, staring at Raph. Leo wiped his tears profusely, smudging his gothic eyeliner as he forced a smile. His eyes were still panicked but it was clear that Leo was desperately trying to hide whatever was bothering him. Raph wasn’t buying it though.

He walked over to Leo and scooted into the bed with him. Leo shifted back as his shoulders stiffened, shielding his head with his hands. He’s doing it again. I hate seeing him so… traumatized … , Raph thought. Since the Kraang, Leo had been more wary of people getting too close to him. Whenever his little brother got scared, he’d avoid any sort of physical contact- much similar to Donnie- except with Leo, he was afraid of getting hurt again. Raph suppressed an angry expression so as to not scare his little brother. I swear to great pizza supreme, if I ever see that psycho alien dickhead again, I’ll make him pay for he’s done to my brother .

Raph sighed and held out a hand to Leo, waiting patiently. Leo cautiously looked up as he gradually scooted closer and took the alligator snapping turtle’s hand. What’s wrong? , Raph thought to ask but decided not to. The two laid down on their shells, Raph holding Leo’s hand tightly. Raph didn’t want to push Leo into telling him what was wrong if Leo was already trying to hide it. So the brothers stayed there for a while in comforting silence. Leo took a long moment to compose himself.

“I-I’m just…s-so… re-relieved .”, Leo spoke up, talking through a stutter he gets when in a panic. Raph’s head turned towards him in confusion.

“It’s only been th-three weeks since we’ve stopped the—the Kraang but…I still can’t pro—process the fact that we could’ve died. I could’ve died! You —”, Leo turned his head over to Raph, staring at his torn mask and then his chipped plastron.

Leo squirmed his hand out of Raph’s grip as he started hyperventilating again, putting both hands above his head and trying to breathe. Raph immediately rolled onto his side, pulling Leo in for a hug. Leo quickly turned on his side as well, ducking his head down. Hot tears began to flow from Raph’s eyes. He hated seeing his brother suffer like this. And it’s been like this for a few weeks now.

“R…right now…is r-real.”, Leo quivered quietly.

“Right now is real.”, Raph soothed.

“R-Right now—…right now is real…”

“Right now is real.”

Growing up, the turtles have all struggled going through something, given the many challenges they’ve faced. This time, with the aftermath of the Kraang, it was one of the worst struggles yet. Fortunately however, they’ve taught themselves a few grounding methods to help them through the darkest of nights. “Right now is real”, was a simple phrase with a much more complicated meaning. The past was past, the future has yet to happen, and neither are of anyone’s concern. Only the present moment mattered. And in this present moment, everyone was home and safe . That’s all that mattered.

“...I—...I hate this…”, Leo whispered as his hands trembled in a fist. “...I hate—I hate living like this…It hurts so much…”

“I know.”, Raph replied in a calm voice. He wasn’t sure what to say. He just wanted to help Leo feel better. Leo let out a nervous chuckle that then morphed into crying.

“W-W-When I was in the prison dimension…I…I thought it was—it was all over. It’s like my mind was o-okay with just… dying …but…I don’t wanna die! I don’t wanna die, I don’t wanna die, I don’t wanna die…”, Leo kept repeating that sentence as Raph just quietly took it all in, stroking Leo’s head and shell while watching the shining glint from the piercings in the blue turtle’s mask tails.

Raph was absolutely scared but refused to show it. I need to stay strong. For Leo. For Everyone. I can’t let these emotions get to me. Leo began wailing, tucking his head into Raph’s plastron as he cried.

Raph hugged Leo tighter while doing his best to remain calm, “You’re not going to die. Everything’s going to be okay. Right now is real, remember? Right now is real.”

“...Right now…is…real…”, Leo mumbled, his voice getting quieter as he curled into Raph’s embrace and took a long quivering sigh. Raph was then met with silence as Leo fell asleep, his frightened expression relaxed.

Raph didn’t feel tired. His mind wouldn’t shut up. The big brother laid there very still as the younger slept, Raph’s thoughts wandering off somewhere else. He thought about that fight when the Kraang first emerged from the portal. How Leo sprung out of his escape pod to retrieve the key. Raph didn’t have a moment to think- couldn’t spare to hesitate- he just ran over to his brother without a single hesitation, shielding Leo from the attack. It pierced through his shell and could’ve very well pierced through himself if he was standing just a few inches more to his left. He used his own escape pod to save Leo and get him to safety before the Kraang knocked Raph out.

When he woke up, he was tied up in that creepy alien slime. They forcefully peered into his eye sockets to find his home. Raph stood there helplessly as he distantly witnessed the mortifying alien transformation- the end of the Foot Clan- as their screams echoed. The next thing he remembered was turning into… that . He saw Leo in front of him getting choked by Raph who was holding him up with his monstrous vine-like arm.

“If this is it, I want you to know I finally understand…A-And I’m sorry…”

Raph woke up suddenly in a cold sweat. His eyes darted around the subway car as he realized where he was. What…happened? , he thought, his inner voice sounding like it was just as out of breath as he was. Raph looked down, Leo still sleeping in his arms but according to the lair’s lights system turned on behind them it was clear that it was morning now. Was it just a nightmare? But it felt so… real . It was like Raph was back to that memory. The sounds, the visuals, the texture, the pain. It all felt so real. Raph wasn’t sure when he fell asleep but it all seemed to have happened so quickly that he didn’t know if he even slept at all. Whatever…right now is real. And right now, it’s morning.

Leo yawned as he rubbed his eyes, smudging the eyeliner even more down his cheeks. Raph gently rubbed the back of Leo’s shell and smiled, trying to shake off the nasty dream.

“Morning, Leo. You feeling any better?”, Raph asked quietly.

“Mhm.”, the sun replied as he wiped off the dry tear stains and makeup on his face. Raph heard his stomach growl as Leo softly chuckled. Yep, it’s breakfast time. Perhaps that’ll help Leo cheer up too? Raph knew that Leo liked cooking.

“How about we make some breakfast for everyone?”, Raph asked as he got up and stretched out his arms.

“Good idea.”, Leo yawned.

Leo took a few minutes to fix his makeup and met up with Raph later in the kitchen. Raph took a look at what they had. It wasn’t much. They really needed to go grocery shopping. Raph then remembered a bunch of errands they needed to get done. Everyone’s been holding them off for so long since…well, no matter, today was a good day to be productive. Raph looked at what the kitchen had to offer this morning. A quarter loaf of bread, half a box of bacon, and a handful of eggs.

“What do you feel about making some toast, fried egg, and bacon?”, Raph asked as he set the food on the counter. Leo smiled as he walked over to the coffee maker.

“I’d give a toast to that.”

“...Leo…”

“What? It was an egg cellent opportunity for a joke!”

“Your jokes are shit.”

“Oh, come on. I’m just bacon for a little sympathy here.”

“That was a stretch and you know it.”

“Yeah sure, whatever.”

Raph lightly chuckled under his breath and started to cook. It felt like last night didn’t happen. Leo had always suppressed his feelings like that. Raph knew that Leo wanted to move on from it, even if the red-eared slider’s own mind won’t let him. Raph was the only person that Leo felt comfortable opening up around. But Raph never understood why. He’s not clever and quick to problem-solve like Donnie. He’s not optimistic and cheerful like Mikey. But perhaps all Leo wanted was to be heard.

I guess I am a good listener , Raph reassured himself as he cracked open an egg on the pan, watching it sizzle.

“Come on, let’s go!”, Leo shouted as he opened up a portal.

Raph hurried over to Leo, taking out his sais as they both jumped through. When they teleported to the other side, they found themselves on the rooftop of A and 2nd street. Donnie and Mikey were in a corner trying to fight off silverfish mutants. Leo chuckled as his smile beamed.

“Now, this is a party!”, Leo shouted zealously.

Raph and Leo jumped into action, chasing the silverfish mutants away from their brothers. Raph took a glance behind him at Mikey. Mikey can’t fight , Raph reminded himself. Raph noticed that Mikey’s arms were faltering with pain and it was clear from his expression that he had been crying earlier. Raph felt a fire burning in his heart, the spark of a hero. He needed to protect his brother.

“Donnie, take Mikey back to the lair.”, Raph ordered.

Mikey immediately began to protest but Raph couldn’t hear what he was saying over the silverfish mutants screeching. Within a few moments, Leo portaled Mikey and Donnie to safety. Then the A team finished off the silverfish mutants, watching them scatter away.

“Nicely done, hermano! Bet those losers won’t bug us anymore.”, Leo said as he brushed his hands together.

Just then, Raph’s wrist communicator was receiving a call from Donnie. Raph felt slightly anxious as a paranoid thought wondered if Donnie needed help again. Raph held his breath and then picked up.

“Donnie, is everything alright?”, Raph asked, trying not to sound too worried.

“Yes, yes. How’s the situation? Do you need me to come back?”, Donnie asked quickly.

“Oh, well uh—”

“Here, just gimme a minute to calm down Micheal and I’ll be right back out.”

“Is he okay?”

“Hm? Oh yeah, he’s fine. He’s just—”, a faint crash was heard in the background of the call, followed by Mikey shouting something with pure rage in his voice, “...throwing a tantrum…”

Raph winced at that sentence. He noticed how Mikey sounded angry when Raph told the B team to retreat. It shouldn’t have been surprising that Mikey would start lashing out. Raph knew how hard it’s been on Mikey since the orange turtle has been benched from going out on missions. The youngest made it clear that he didn’t need to be treated like a baby anymore, Donnie’s use of the word “tantrum” probably wasn’t helping either.

“Can you check to see if we left anything behind? I think we’re missing a few groceries here.”, Donnie asked.

“Yeah, you did. We got it covered, D. See you in a bit.”, Raph ended the call and then looked over at a plastic bag on the ground. 

As Raph walked closer to the bag, he noticed it moving. The faint sounds of screeching are heard from it. Raph looked into the bag and noticed a hole ripped through a cereal box. Raph picked up the box and peered one eye through the hole. Without warning, a silverfish mutant hissed and jumped out of the hole, landing on Raph’s face. Raph squealed in alarm as Leo wheezed hysterically. The silverfish mutant squirmed away and ran off. Raph felt his heartbeat race as he swatted all around himself.

“Gah! I hate those things.”, Raph sneered.

“You’ll get your revenge, Ael, don’t worry.”, Leo chuckled as he patted Raph’s shoulder.

Raph and Leo made their way back to the lair. Leo took the bag of medicine they stole from the pharmacy earlier and looked closely at the labeling. He really has grown a whole lot since the Kraang, huh? , Raph thought. He never would’ve thought he’d live to see the day Leo wisened up. But boy, is he glad he did.

Raph yawned, rubbing his eyes. Man, I am beat . He remembered how little sleep he got last night. Perhaps he should take a quick nap. Yeah, just a really quick one. Raph walked down the stairs to the TV room and flopped down on a giant red bean bag chair.

Yep…just gonna…get some sleep for a bit and OMIGOSH I’M FALLING —, Raph suddenly jolted up. He then sighed in irritation. It was annoying whenever he tried to fall asleep that his brain tricked him into thinking he’s actually falling. Raph slumped back onto the bean bag, closing his eyes and finally going to sleep.

A hollowed, flat, windy, droning noise hushed all around him like a loud air conditioner. Raph slowly blinked his eyes open to find himself in a dream. A thick white fog coated the floor and his surroundings were pitch black. It felt like there was a spotlight shining above him even though there was nothing to be seen in the vast inky sky.

“Funny seeing you again.”, a deep and gravelly male voice spoke.

Raph spun around, not sure where the voice was coming from. Soon enough, he saw a shadow move quickly out of the corner of his eye. Raph shifted to face it, noticing that the figure was much taller than him. The creature looked two-dimensional. A black dome-shaped body with a black circle for a head. Both eyes gently glowed white and looked like scribbly ovals. Its left eye oval was horizontal, its right was vertical. Its smile was also scribbly and white and consistently held a curving sinister grin. The entire body had a chromatic glitch of red and blue like watching a 3D movie without 3D glasses. The creature loomed over Raph, which was surprising since the alligator snapping turtle was six feet tall. It must be nine—no…—twelve feet—...twenty? Raph couldn’t tell because it was like this dream void was messing with his ability to think or be rational.

“W-who are you?”, Raph asked. He wasn’t sure why but the very presence of this figure made him feel like he was in serious danger.

“You know me. My name is whatever you want.”, the shadow spoke, this time in a different voice. This time it felt soft and younger. The voice continued to fluctuate between several different voices as it spoke, “I was here this whole time. I was here when you were born. I was here when you died. I was here when you sleep. I was here when you wake. I take on many shapes and forms and go by many names and labels. But one thing remains consistent…I am your worst nightmare.”

Raph gasped quietly in surprise as he remembered something incredibly important. He remembered that all throughout his life, he was born with a peculiar disorder that made his dreams come to life. Dreams feeling like a memory and memories feeling like a dream. He had struggled with being able to tell if he was fully grounded in reality.

At first, it was just confusing as he went about his days wondering if something actually happened or not. Like when Donnie got second place for the handstand hill-bomb in the Lair Games of 2019. But as Raph and his brothers faced many challenges, it started appearing. The one with many names. His nightmares would suddenly get more and more intense but after a few months or sometimes a little over a year, they would always calm down again and things went back to normal. These intensity spikes would come in waves and it seems like- thanks to the Kraang- another storm was approaching yet again.

“No…not again! Get away from me!”, Raph shouted at the one with many names in furious distrust.

“Why are you so afraid of me? It’s been soooooo long since we’ve last played together! Don’t you wanna have a little bit of fun?”, the one with many names spoke as it approached closer and closer to Raph.

“I said get away!”, Raph yelled as he spun around and began running away.

Without any clear distinction of a path, it was hard to tell if he was running in a straight line. The one with many names began taunting him in laughter of many voices, all seem to be coming from a different direction. Raph shut his eyes tight as he ran. Raph couldn’t tell where they are or where to go, he just wanted to get away.

He wanted to get out.

He wanted out!

Get out!

Get out!!!

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Raph let out a quick terrified yelp as he sprang up from the beanbag chair, his chest felt like it was on fire from his heart racing like he just ran a marathon. He gasped for air, the pain in his chest felt like he genuinely was dying from a heart attack. It’s okay, Raph, it’ll pass. Just breathe . This wasn’t the first time this happened. Yet it was still a very seldom situation.

Quite rarely, after Raph had a nightmare, like a terrifying one, he would wake up with this alarming sensation of death only to realize that he’s fine and just couldn’t brace himself for the panic attack. Just breathe. It’s only going to take a minute . Raph clenched a hand against his plastron as if he was trying to grip onto its smooth exterior, trying his best to breathe deeply and slowly.

Remember your grounding skills , Raph reassured himself. His eyes looked around the room as he started naming in his head the objects that he saw. Dad’s chair, the projector, the projection screen, the unpacked boxes of Lou Jitsu DVDs by the stairs, the red bean bag chair he’s sitting on, the orange, blue, and purple bean bag chairs in the corner. Right now is real . His breathing calmed down a bit more as he named the sounds he heard. His breath, his heartbeat, the muffled sound of Spanish rock playing in the distance. Right now is real . He named other senses he felt. The texture of the bean bag, the smell of something cooking in the kitchen. Right now is real .

Whatever just happened is not real, okay? It is not real. Right now you are awake. Right now is real. Raph took a final deep breath as he calmed down. The moment has passed on just like he told himself. Right now is real.

Raph refocused his attention on the music and smell of food, wanting to clear his mind off of the nightmare. He practiced a quick smile before getting up and leaving the room.

That dream still felt real.

Raph walked into the kitchen. He looked around, sniffing and licking his lips.

“Oooo, that smells good! What is it”, Raph asked, looking at Leo.

“Chili.”, Leo answered.

Raph smiled and then looked over at Mikey. He tilted his head in confusion, brows furrowed.

Mikey was asleep at the dining table. Raph’s heart sank as he saw the dry tear stains on his little brother’s face. Raph couldn’t help but feel a bit guilty. Something happened to Mikey while Raph was slacking off , taking a nap. He slightly felt like it was a good thing his nightmare had woken him up, but if only he had woken up sooner.

“Is Mikey okay?”, Raph asked.

“Yeah, he’s fine. He had another episode but I gave him a dose of that new prescription we got.”, Leo replied as he turned off the stove, completing the chili. 

As Leo turned around and leaned against the counter, Raph saw the empty expression on his face. It was one of those expressions that Raph would sometimes mistake Leo for Donnie, if it wasn’t for the difference in their gothic makeup styles. Leo only made that expression when he’s serious and genuine about something. The red-eared slider got up and walked over to Mikey, gently shaking him.

“Hey Mikey, you doing okay?”, Leo whispered.

“Mmm…yeah. Just tired.”, Mikey mumbled quietly.

Leo sighed, sounding relieved. He looked over at Raph as the red turtle looked back at him. They both looked back at Mikey.

“Can you help me put him to bed?”, Leo asked Raph.

“Of course.”, Raph said as he walked over and scooped up Mikey, carrying him in his arms.

Leo walked in front as they headed out of the kitchen. Raph looked down at Mikey as they walked. For the first time in an awfully long while, Mikey looked peaceful. The poor kid has gone through so much , Raph thought. Out of everyone, Mikey was taking the longest to physically recover from the Kraang. While the others quickly got back to missions within a couple weeks, Mikey had to stay behind. Raph had a gut feeling that it would hit the ornate box turtle pretty hard. It looked like his intuition was right.

They walked over to Mikey’s room as Leo kicked away the scattered paper balls on the floor. He cleared the clutter of stuff in the hammock, spare for a blanket and pillow and Raph laid Mikey down in the hammock. The alligator snapping turtle gently rubbed Mikey’s head and then pulled up the blanket, tucking him in.

“Sleep well, Mikey. Tomorrow will be better.”, Raph muttered.

And with that, Leo and Raph left Mikey’s subway car. They headed to Donnie’s lab quietly, not saying a word to each other on the way there. When they arrived, Donnie was hunched over looking at a bunch of torn up blueprints. They noticed that the softshell turtle was trying to piece the blueprints back together like a jigsaw puzzle.

“Hey, Donnie. Dinner is ready.”, the sun said as he walked over.

“Not right now, Nardo! I need to finish this.”, the moon shouted, not looking away from his desk. Leo shushed, putting a finger to his lips. Raph held his breath and looked over his shoulder towards Mikey's room.

“Not so loud, Donald, Mikey’s sleeping!”, Leo hissed under his breath.

“He’s had a bad day.”, Raph added quietly.

Donnie looked up at Leo and then at Raph. His marker eyebrows raised with concern. He turned off the desk lamp as he lightly rushed to the front of the subway platform lab.

“What happened?”, Donnie asked, having trouble keeping his volume down.

“Another pain episode, but it’s alright, Leo took care of it with that new medicine.”, Raph whispered. Donnie scoffed in solemn dubiety and shook his head.

“Come on, let’s go eat.”, Leo hushed as he placed a hand on Donnie’s shoulder.

The older brothers headed down to the kitchen, not saying anything else as Leo handed out hot bowls of chili. Raph would never admit it, but he personally enjoyed Leo’s cooking the most. Donnie messed around on his phone as he ate, leaving Raph and Leo to experience that awkward silence together. Occasionally, they exchanged quick glances and smiled, but no one said a single thing more that night.

After everyone had gone to sleep, Donnie headed back to his lab. He turned the desk lamp back on and continued to work on repairing the blueprints, rubbing his tired eyes but being careful not to smudge his eyeliner. After only a couple hours, Donnie was startled by a loud metallic thud. 

The hell was that? , Donnie thought. He got up and walked towards the center of the subway lair. He heard a couple more thuds and then a muffled roar, the voice sounding deep and powerful. It was Raph. Out of his peripheral, Donnie saw Leo stumble out of his room from down the stairs in his pajamas, glancing around before making eye contact with his brother. The sun and moon both nodded and started running over to Raph’s room.

Mikey slowly dragged his feet as he exited his room, yawning and rubbing his eyes. He had slept in his usual fit but had a blanket draped on top of his head.

“...what’s that noise…?”, Mikey asked in a slurred speech.

“Ur mom—”, Leo joked with a cheeky smile.

Another crash was heard, the three of them jumped in surprise. Leo quickly switched to a more determined look as he took the lead. The brothers were making their way to Raph’s room. Donnie felt slightly irritated at the disruption from his work. I don’t have time to deal with this right now, I need to hurry.

As they reached the subway car, a huge dumbbell was thrown out and broke through the car door’s window, heading their way. Mikey yelped and tucked his head into his shell to dodge it. The dumbbell slammed the ground like a robust steel hammer. The three paused for a moment as Mikey popped his head back out, the brothers realizing that something was seriously wrong with the oldest.

Without missing a beat, Donnie tapped his wrist tech. With his mystic tech powers, his wooden bo staff was sent flying towards him, catching it in his hand. Mikey gulped and stared at the bo staff in fear. Another yell echoed from Raph’s room, Donnie noticing that the subway car doors were all sorts of dented and bent out of alignment. Leo’s eyes widened as he realized something.

“…S-S-Savage Raph…”, Leo muttered under his breath.

“What? Why would Raph go berserk like that? It’s not like he got separated from us again.”, Donnie asked in confusion.

“Maybe he’s sleepwalking? So he’d be…. Sleepwalker Raph ??”, Mikey questioned.

Donnie’s brows furrowed as he pondered that question. It sounds like a reasonable possibility. Raph has had sleepwalking problems in the past. But rarely does he ever get aggressive. Donnie thought those days were over. The Kraang , Donnie thought in revelation, of course he’d get nightmares about the Kraang . Donnie took a deep breath and held it, steadying his grip on the staff as his mystic powers began to shyly glow through his battle shell. I need to fix this.

“Raph? Are you alright?”, Donnie called out as he wedged through the broken doorway into the room, Leo and Mikey following close behind.

Raph’s pajamas were shredded, his braces snapped in half on the floor. Claw marks and large dents decorated the subway car walls and paper lanterns. A few pieces of cotton fluff were scattered about on the floor. Raph was facing down, away from his brothers, breathing heavily.

“Raph!”, Donnie shouted to get his brother’s attention.

Raph looked over his shoulders, and then they saw it. His eyes were blanked out, his expression was fierce and intimidating. Donnie shifted in front of Mikey as Leo stepped behind Donnie. Sleepwalker Raph turned around and stomped a couple steps towards the purple and blue turtles.

“Hey Raph? Buddy? It’s us! You need to wake up!”, Donnie yelled.

Raph didn’t respond, he just kept… staring . Donnie looked over his shoulder to notice that Mikey was gone. Wait, where did he go? Leo looked at Donnie and the softshell turtle could tell by his brother’s face that the sun was expecting the moon to find an answer to this situation. Of course.

“You—you got any ideas?”, Leo whispered, his voice quivering.

“I got one .”, Donnie replied as he shrugged, holding up his staff. With a quick and powerful swing, Donnie smacked the stick on top of Raph’s head.

“W—...what in the actual fuck , Donnie?!”, Leo exclaimed in pure confusion.

Sleepwalker Raph roared, his voice bursting Donnie’s tympanas through the noise-canceling headphones. Raph’s breath smelled ghastly with a hint of chili. Leo covered his mouth and nose with his hands as Donnie gagged.

“Ewww, someone forgot to brush their teeth…”, Donnie whined.

Just then, the disaster twins heard the quick and light sounds of the youngest brother’s footsteps behind them. Mikey came running over, levitating a bucket filled with water behind him. Without saying a word, he pushed Leo and Donnie out of his way and chucked the water at Raph’s face. He let go of his levitation as soon as he splashed Raph, the bucket making a loud clatter as it fell to the floor. Donnie felt a few drops splash on him and noticed that the water was ice cold. Raph shouted in disgust as he stumbled back, pressing his palms to his face.

“Blaugh! What the heck was that for?!”, Raph yelled as he rubbed his eyes. His brothers all sighed in relief and Leo gave Mikey a high-three.

“You were sleepwalking again and scared the crap out of us.”, Donnie explained unenthusiastically.

“L-Look at your room! It looks worse than my mental health!”, Leo shouted, gesturing his arms around in front of him.

“Nardo, knock it off.”, Donnie scoffed.

Raph rubbed his eyes and then blinked repeatedly before turning around. He gasped in horror as his head darted around the room before staring at the pile of cotton fluff on the floor.

“CHEECH!”, Raph screamed as he ran over and got on his knees. Donnie walked forward and looked over Raph’s shoulder, seeing a torn up teddy bear in Raph’s hands. That was Raph’s favorite teddy bear out of his collection.

“Oh wow, rip. Literally.”, Donnie exclaimed in a monotone voice. Donnie raised his sharpie eyebrows as he noticed that Raph was crying. What could have led him to trash his room in his sleep?

“What exactly happened here?”, Donnie asked, sitting down next to Raph. Leo and Mikey walked over and sat down as well. Raph sighed and closed his eyes, taking a moment to think before opening them again.

“I had a nightmare. You guys were in danger and I couldn’t reach you. It was like I was stuck behind an invisible barrier. And then…that thing showed up…” Raph paused for a moment, Donnie seeing a severely concerned expression behind the dark circles under Raph’s eyes, “...Do you guys remember that creepy shadow dude with multiple voices?”

“Joanne?”, Donnie asked.

“Alan.”, Mikey stated.

“Karen.”, Raph grumbled.

“ S T E V E . . . ”, Leo grimaced.

“The one with many names.”, the four said in sync.

Donnie nodded thoughtfully, stroking his chin. He remembered the times when they were younger, how Raph had various problems with nightmares growing up. Raph would always try to hide it. Donnie never bothered to intervene as they would usually resolve on their own. However…Raph has never completely destroyed his room before. I have to fix this.

“Well—...hey, at least it’s over now. W-wanna hang out in my room for the night?”, Leo asked with a sympathetic smile. Raph grinned softly and nodded.

The two got up and started heading out of the room. Donnie looked over at Mikey who was rubbing his blanket between pinched fingers. He still looked worried. Donnie reached his arm out to Mikey, yanking the blanket over his face in a teasing manner. Mikey whined in a lighthearted tone as he squirmed his arms and pulled the blanket back down to his neck.

“Let’s get you back to bed, Magic Mike.”, Donnie reassured his little brother with a smile.

The turtles split off, the A team heading to Leo’s room and the B team heading to Mikey’s room. Donnie tucked Mikey into his hammock and kissed him goodnight on the forehead before heading back to his lab.

He looked at his blueprints, feeling uneasy and unable to refocus. Donnie kept thinking about the state of Raph’s room. I’m going to fix this , he thought as he walked over to the large computer off to the side. He began searching up articles about nightmare disorders, seeing if there’s anything he can do. As he read through them, he pulled out a notebook and began writing things down.

A couple hours went by as he looked through several articles and videos across the internet, writing some notes and printing out others. It all felt jumbled and strange to him, nothing was consistent. I guess it’s hard to pinpoint dreams when everyone’s neurology is different . He decided to drop it after another dead end, turning around and heading to his desk as he got back to work on his project. The hours of the night burned away.

The next morning…? Did Donnie even go to sleep? Whatever.

Donnie got to work on his tech in the early hours of the day. He was always an insomniac to begin with. He grabbed a to-go cup of coffee from his desk using one of the extended metal arms from his battle shell. Without taking his eyes off of his work, he took a huge gulp of the coffee and set it back down again.

Raph was shaken awake by Leo. Raph got up and yawned as he stretched out his arms. He had a slight moment of confusion before realizing that he had to sleep in Leo’s room last night.

“Hey, wake up. We got shit to do.”, Leo said as Raph got off the bed, rubbing his eyes.

Leo was already wide-awake and dressed in his usual fit- emo makeup included- except underneath his sash, he was wearing a black hoodie crop top with sleeves that were ripped at the shoulders. I highly doubt he’s just wearing that to match with Donnie anymore.

“What do you mean?”, Raph asked.

“Donnie’s busy repairing Shelldon and I need to go see Hueso. Which means you gotta be the one to take Mikey to his doctor appointment today.”, the sun stated as he pulled out his phone and showed Raph the calendar app. Looking at the time on Leo’s phone, Raph could see that they had slept in pretty late into the morning. It was almost noon.

“Mikey has a doctor appointment? Alright, I’ll get ready.”, Raph said as he walked out of Leo’s room to get ready for the day.

As he made his way to his room, Raph noticed a random dumbbell on the floor. He picked it up in confusion and looked at it, a fifty-pound weight. How did it get over here? Raph arrived at his room. It was still a complete mess. He took a closer look at himself in the shattered mirror to the side and noticed that his pajamas had ragged holes and claw marks in them.

In the mangled reflection, Raph could see the one with many names faintly flickering behind him. He could’ve sworn that he heard it breathing in his tympana. Raph quickly whipped around, paranoid that the one with many names was actually there. But it wasn’t.

He looked around his room, assessing the damage done to the walls, the floor, the paper lanterns………and Cheech. Raph held back his tears, squeezing his eyes shut. Cheech was his favorite and his first teddy bear. It had been with him through thick and thin. The destruction Raph had caused terrified him. He didn’t know what was happening while he was asleep. He wasn’t in control. Raph took one last look at the teddy bear carnage.

At least it wasn’t one of his brothers.

Raph, Leo and Mikey all climbed out of the sewers together. Leo split from the group to head to Hueso’s restaurant, Run Of The Mill Pizza, as Raph and Mikey made their way to the dumpster gateway that led to the Hidden City. Raph jumped down first and Mikey followed shortly after, nearly floating himself with his levitation powers. Raph looked over at the orange turtle and noticed that he looked incredibly nervous.

Mikey had been growing quite a fear of anything medical related. Raph doesn’t blame him. He remembered the tests that Mikey had to take and how Raph and Donnie couldn’t stand to look at Mikey getting hurt. He remembered having to step outside to breathe as Donnie helped calm him down.

“Don’t worry, big man. It’s just a check-up.”, Raph said. He wasn’t sure if he was telling that to Mikey or himself. He held out a hand to Mikey as the ornate box turtle took it. The two then made their way to see the doctor, Dr. Azúcar.

When they made it to the office, Raph checked Mikey in and reassured his little brother that he would wait for him out in the hallway. Raph sat down on a bench placed in that hall. He looked around at the scenery. It was definitely abstract and different.

The walls were patterned in various bright colors. They were an eyesore. Raph couldn’t understand why the design never bothered the doctor given that it made him feel dizzy just looking at it. The floor was carpeted like an 80s arcade place. And the ceiling was tiled with shiny yet peculiar looking mystic yokai marble, in hues of purple, yellow, and cyan.

It was very quiet in that hallway. Raph was surprised that through the silence, he couldn’t even hear the muffled sounds of conversation happening behind the door. Raph pulled out his phone, scrolling through his social media feed for what seemed to last forever. Finally, the door opened.

Mikey opened the door and turned to look at Raph. His eyes were focused and he clenched his jaw, giving Raph this look like Mikey was in trouble for something.

“He wants to see you for a minute.”, Mikey mumbled, chewing his cheek. Raph nodded and got up, walking into the room as Mikey closed the door behind him. Raph wondered why Mikey gave him that look. Is there something wrong?

Raph looked around the room, it was a lot more pleasing to look at than the hallway. The walls were a dull turquoise color. The floor was patterned in gray wood. The ceiling was painted white, leaving paintbrush markings in it. A doctorate was framed on the wall behind the doctor’s desk and alongside it was the intersex inclusive progress pride flag, the Mexican flag, and the Chilean flag. The desk was simple, flat, and smooth white. A small, red, and plastic crate of various stim toys sat on the corner of the desk. A colorful walking cane, with black fuzzy dice tied on the handle, was propped up against the desk, beside the doctor’s chair. A golden office nameplate sat at the front of the desk with the engraving, “Dr. Azúcar Skull (He/Xe)”.

And sitting behind it, in xyr chair was a purple skeleton yokai with glowing yellow eye sockets, nose hole, and mouth and with vibrant, curly, cyan hair, wearing a black robe much similar to a grim reaper except the skeleton’s midriff was exposed with a long black skirt tied around his waist with rope.

“Raphael, is it? Mucho gusto.”, Dr. Azúcar spoke kindly with a friendly smile. Xe gestured his hand towards a lime green couch, signaling Raph to take a seat. “How are you, my friend?”, the doctor asked.

“I’m doing alright, thank you. You can just call me Raph.”, Raph smiled.

“Understood, that’s great to hear. Now, I’m just gonna let you know that Mikey is doing perfectly well in his recovery. There is nothing of interest to report. However, I do have one concern.”, Dr. Azúcar clasped his hands together and leaned in. Raph listened closely as the doctor continued, “Mikey gave me permission to share this with you. He has told me about a scary nightmare you had last night followed by what I presume is an RSBD episode. He is worried about you, you know?”, Dr. Azúcar spoke cautiously with a smile.

“RS…what now?”, Raph asked, dumbfounded.

“RSBD. REM sleep behavior disorder. It is very similar to sleepwalking except with RSBD, you are more prone to punching, kicking, and really any sort of aggression. Now that is to say, I do not know your case specifically. But I do know that you and your family have gone through a lot of hardships. I mean, practically everyone knows about the Kraang. So with that, I want to extend my professional help to you.”, Dr. Azúcar explained, sounding kind of like Donnie with the quick tone xe was rambling in.

“I thought you were like a…nerve doctor?”, Raph asked, confused.

“I specialize in plot convenience.”, Dr. Azúcar said, somewhat sarcastically.

Raph pondered at the idea. He wasn’t well aware how his problems have affected Mikey, or anyone else for that matter. He tried his best to hide them because he didn’t want people to worry about him. A mark of being a…well somewhat former leader, is to not let anyone know that you are afraid. If the team realizes that the one in charge is unsure, they will lose faith. That’s what Raph was taught from old stories he’s seen in Jupiter Jim movies. And besides, he was managing this pretty well on his own, right? He doesn’t need help. Granted, destroying things while sleepwalking was new.

“I can see there’s a lot on your mind.”, the doctor chimed sympathetically, “You don’t have to make a decision right now. I just thought I’d remind you that there is help out there if you need it. Whether it be with me or another doctor is entirely up to you. You are in control.”

That last sentence felt very reassuring to Raph. He needed some sense of control if he can’t control his nightmares or his sleepwalking. I am in control .

“Just think about it. That’s all.”, Dr. Azúcar smiled and shrugged, “We’re all done here. Do you have any more questions for me?”

“No, we’re cool. Thank you.”, Raph smiled and nodded, standing up.

“Of course, it was very nice to meet you. You take care now.”, Dr. Azúcar stood up as well, reaching his hand out for a handshake. Raph shaked xyr hand and then left the room.

As Raph opened the door, Mikey immediately stood up anxiously. Raph could tell that Mikey felt like he was in trouble for gossiping about Raph.

“How did it go?”, Mikey asked sheepishly.

“It’s alright, Mikey.”, Raph chuckled as he patted his little brother’s head. They started walking down the wildly designed hallway. Raph looked down at Mikey, “Say, wanna get some ice cream?”

“Yes please!”

Later that night, Raph had trouble falling asleep yet again. He couldn’t sleep at all, staying up and feeling his eyebags darken. He thought long and hard on the doctor’s offer. Maybe I should tell someone , Raph thought, but who? Raph didn’t feel comfortable bringing his brothers into this. It felt more difficult to open up to people who have known him all throughout his life. Well…except for April.

An idea came to Raph like a light bulb. April…perfect! She’s someone that Raph could talk to more comfortably. She’s practically been family for a few years now, like an older sister to Raph. Raph checked the time, it was just past midnight but not that late. April might still be awake. Raph got up and then headed out to April’s apartment.

Since April was now in college, she lived in a different apartment from her parents. And since Casey Jr showed up, he’s been staying with her. Raph parkoured over to April’s place, jumping from rooftop to rooftop until finally reaching the apartment complex. He hopped down onto April’s balcony and knocked on the window.

A tall, athletically built shadow walked over to the window and opened up the curtains. It was Casey, wearing skinny jeans and a white sweater. It was an odd yet nice change from the apocalyptic look. Casey jumped back in shock, Raph hearing a muffled scream through the glass. Junior then approached the window and opened it up.

“M—Master Raphael? What are you doing here? There—There’s a door , you know.”, Casey stammered, not pleasantly surprised by getting startled.

“Sorry for scaring ya, CJ. I came by to talk to April.”, Raph stated as he climbed through the window and into the living room.

“Oh, alright then. Commander O’Neil is in the kitchen, lemme go get her.”

“Case, you can just call me April. Same with Raph, no need for formalities.”, April said as she stepped out of the kitchen with her hand on her hip.

“Right. Sorry, Co—…April.”, Casey said sharply as he straightened his posture and bowed at her.

April scrunched her face in confusion, “Yeah…we’re gonna workshop that later.” She then turned her attention towards Raph, “What’s up, Big Red?”

“Hey April...can you keep a secret? And…maybe Casey too? I’m not so sure…there’s a lot going through my mind…”, Raph said as he rubbed the back of his head. April looked at him thoughtfully and then nodded. She gestured her arm to the dining table in the corner. The three all sat down as April gave Raph a sympathetic smile.

“Talk to me, little brother.”, April said softly.

Raph almost teared up at the name. Even after all these years, he still hasn’t gotten used to being called a little brother by April. He always appreciated those moments but will never admit it out loud. He took a deep breath as he fiddled with his thumbs on the table.

“Well…ever since the Kraang attacked, I’ve been having these really bad nightmares. And because of that, I’ve been sleepwalking more and ended up breaking things. I’m just…I don’t know…concerned? What if I hurt my brothers again like I did when I got possessed by the Kraang? I didn’t know what was going on. It was like my mind was all fuzzy and everything was a blur. How will I know if I’m awake? If I’m in control? How will I…”, Raph paused and looked down at his chipped plastron. He rubbed a finger against the crack and sighed. He looked up at Casey sitting across from him. Casey gave him this strange scared look. If Casey’s from the future…then how come he couldn’t predict this? What am I missing?

“...What happened to me in your future, Casey? How did…How did I… die ?”, Raph asked hesitantly.

“Raph, I don’t think—”, April tried to intervene.

“I need to know.”, Raph insisted.

He gave Casey this intimidating look. Casey ducked his head into his shoulders as his eyes darted between Raph and April. Casey then opened his mouth to speak, but took a moment to find the words.

“I wasn’t born yet when you died. I’ve only heard of you from Leonardo’s stories. But from what I understood…well…you were standing a few more inches to your left.”, Casey said slowly, staring at Raph’s cracked shell.

Raph’s expression relaxed. It was shocking how much a difference Casey has made in this timeline. Just a few inches changed everything. That’s why Casey couldn’t predict this outcome. If he did, then he probably wouldn’t need to be brought back in time. Raph thought about those Jupiter Jim sci-fi movies growing up. The whole space time continuum concept was all so confusing for him to wrap his head around. If our future is truly unpredictable, then what part of it is within our control? When will I know if I am in control? How will I know? Even if I make a plan, how can I predict the exact outcome? I hate this. I need control. I need to be in control—

“Raph, I am so glad you got the courage to come talk to us. We’re here for you.”, April smiled and placed her hand on Raph’s. Raph noticed that as April reached his hand, that he was covering his face in his palms to hide his tears. Raph’s lips quivered as the tears began to overflow. April continued, “But don’t forget that your brothers are here as well. It’s nice to know that you want our support but you can use all the love you can get, baby brother.”

“Yeah, I know…It’s just…It’s really difficult to tell someone you care about that there’s something wrong. It’s easier talking to strangers because they don’t know you.”, Raph said as his tears kept flowing.

“So I’m a stranger to you now?”, April scoffed.

“No! No no no! I didn’t mean—”

“I’m just teasing, Raph.”, April chuckled. “I love you.”

“I love you too, sis.”

Raph smiled and wiped his tears as Casey handed Raph a tissue box. As Raph blew his nose, his communicator beeped. It was a call from Leo. Raph noticed the time on the wall clock. It was nearly morning. Raph picked up the call.

“RAPH!! Wh-Where are you!? I need you over here right now!”, Leo shouted from the other end, sounding panicked.

“Leo? What’s going on?”, Raph asked concerningly as April and Casey listened in closely.

“I—...I don’t fucking know! Mikey is just……gone?! A-And Donnie took off after him without explaining anything and I-I-I—just—.... Where. Are. You ?”, Leo asked, his voice strained.

“I’m at April and Casey’s place. What do you mean Mikey’s gone?”, Raph asked, confused. Before anyone could say another word, a portal appeared in the living room. Leo ran out and tossed Raph his sais. Leo glanced between all of them, his expression stern.

“¡Vamonos! I’ll explain on the way.”, Leo said as he headed for the door.

“So what do you mean Mikey’s gone?”, Raph repeated his question from earlier as the four of them ran down the street together. The rain was pouring down hard as thunder echoed in the distance.

“H-He’s just gone! He’s not at home and-and when Donnie contacted him, he…I-I don't know! He just said th-that Mikey’s not co-operating and now…H-He’s sending all of us on a wild goose chase a-after him.”, Leo stated angrily, stuttering from the stress.

“Did he leave on his own?”, Casey asked.

“I—I don’t know.”, Leo replied.

“Did he get hurt?”, April asked.

“I don't… know .”, Leo replied sternly, his voice starting to crack.

“Did he—”, Raph asked.

“I DON’T—I DON’T KNOW! O—OKAY?!”, Leo shouted as he stopped running, sounding like a broken record. “I DON’T KNOW— DON’T HAVE— ALL THE ANSWERS!”

Raph, April, and Casey all stopped ahead of him. Raph noticed in his brother’s eyes that he was tired. His eyes were faintly red and Raph could see thin dark circles under them through Leo’s makeup. Has he been crying? The sun let out a quivered sigh as he pressed the heels of his palms against his eyes to suppress the tears from smudging his eyeliner again. Raph walked over to him. The alligator snapping turtle hesitated for a moment before placing a hand on Leo’s shoulder.

“No one expects you to have the answers, Leo. No one blames you for not knowing what’s going on. But you’re not alone on this, alright? We’re here for you.”, Raph said calmly. We’re here for you.

“Raph’s right. We’re here.”, April smiled.

Leo took a deep breath. Raph couldn’t tell if Leo was still crying because of the rain. Regardless, Leo looked up at his brother and smiled weakly. Raph pulled him in for a hug as Leo immediately hugged him back. Raph held his little brother tightly for a moment. I may not fully understand what’s going on with you, Leo. But I promise that no matter who tries to stop me, even if that person is you, no matter what, I will protect you.

“Let’s go find our brother.”, Raph said with a spark of determination. Leo nodded. Just then, a flashing light of orange swung over them. As the group looked up, they saw Donnie zip by shortly after, shouting something that Raph couldn’t pick up.

“Roll out, boys!”, April shouted.

The team ran towards the two turtles racing in the air. Damn, Mikey’s fast , Raph thought. But then he noticed that Mikey had actually gotten slower than usual. Still pretty fast, but definitely slower. What could drive Mikey out to do this? Something clearly wasn’t right.

“Michelangelo, please! You can’t keep this up!”, Donnie pleaded.

“Stop babying me!”, Mikey cried out in frustration.

“I’m not—just—UGH!”, Donnie stammered, unable to talk clearly through his anger.

Leo pulled out his katana and began trying to portal closer to the two. With each time he landed, the B team sped by too quickly. Leo shouted in frustration.

“I can’t catch up to him like this! If I don’t know Miguel’s direction, I can’t portal directly to him!”, Leo yelled sharply. Raph looked at him, trying to think of a plan. How do I get to them quickly? Maybe I can cut them off? No, Mikey just keeps zigzagging all over the place. I don’t know where he’s going.

Just then, Raph heard a strange zap coming from Mikey. He looked up ahead and saw Mikey’s nunchaku slip out of his hand as he began falling from 100 feet in the air.

“NO! MIKEY!!!”, Donnie shrieked. The moon dived down towards the earth.

“No no no no no!”, Raph shouted as he put all of his strength and stamina into picking up speed. He pulled out his twin sais, ready to use his mystic powers. I gotta get closer! I need to catch him!

“Raph! Do something! He’s gonna hit the ground!”, Casey shouted from behind.

“I’m trying !”, Raph snapped, looking over his shoulder at Casey.

Suddenly, they all heard a loud crack. Raph looked back to see that Mikey had hit the ground, tucking into his shell. Before anyone could react, they saw Mikey pop back out and continued running. Didn’t he just…BREAK something?! Why is he still running? I don’t understand what’s going on! This can’t be real —…this can’t be real. Raph shook his head and then kept running. Right now is real , Raph thought. For once, that phrase was no longer reassuring and yet… Right now is real. His tears returned as Raph tried his very best to keep his breathing steady as he ran.

Donnie stopped as he turned around the corner after Mikey. Everyone else quickly catching up to them. Raph noticed that Splinter was there too, not knowing how he got here. Raph saw Draxum in the distance running towards them as well. He heard an engine in the distance and looked over his shoulder to see Todd coming towards them on his motorcycle. The group ran to Donnie’s side and looked over at Mikey.

“Mikey, stop ! That is enough.”, Donnie demanded.

Mikey stumbled a bit to get up and then faced towards the group. His eyes widened as he glanced around at everyone. Leo let out a relieved sigh.

“Finally. Mikey, buddy, are you hurt?”, Leo asked as he ran up to Mikey, reaching one hand out to him and another into his pouch.

“I’m fine , Leo.”, Mikey took a deliberate step away.

“Let me see your arms. I—I can give you some diaz—”

“No! I’m not in pain! They’re just paralyzed!”, Mikey protested.

Raph held his hand over his mouth, biting down hard on his tongue. Don’t cry, Big Red. You need to be the bigger one here. It was no use, his tears began streaming down his face as a huge wave of guilt and shame washed over him. I was supposed to protect him. I needed to protect all of them.

“Hand me your weapon.”, Splinter said calmly as he held the one nunchaku that Mikey dropped earlier.

“But—”

“HAND IT OVER!”, Splinter shouted sternly. He added, “You, young man, are grounded until further notice.”

Mikey rolled his eyes as he spun around. Everyone gasped as they saw a huge dark red stain trickle down his jacket. Keep it together, Raph , the red turtle sucked the rainy damp air between his teeth and snaggletooth, stay strong . Raph looked over at Donnie who started walking closer as Splinter took Mikey’s weapons away. Raph walked up to join the sun and moon.

“What the fuck made you think that was a good idea?”, Donnie asked in a hushed voice.

“...I just wanted a normal day.”, Mikey mumbled.

Raph blinked in surprise. That’s why Mikey ran off . Everything gradually started making more sense now. It still didn’t help Raph feel any better. Sorry, Mikey…but we can’t be normal …He felt the warm tears and cold rain soak up his mask.

“Mikey, that was incredibly reckless. You snuck out in the middle of night, by yourself nonetheless. You don’t have as much control over your mystic powers so if something were to have happened, you couldn’t have defended yourself. Furthermore…”, Donnie rambled on.

Raph paid no attention to Donnie’s rant as he looked over at Mikey. The orange turtle’s expression relaxed, his gaze drifting off to the side as Raph noticed that Mikey was dissociating. He must be really tired , Raph thought, physically and emotionally. Raph stepped closer to his little brother and placed his hand on Mikey’s head. Mikey took a moment to come back before he stared up at Raph for a bit and then back over at Donnie.

“...and I could tell you weren’t even wearing your handkerchief scarf either. So… sigh …Leo?”, the moon ended his spiel and looked over at the sun. Leo nodded and pulled out a thermometer.

“It’s okay, you guys, I’m alright—”, Mikey murmured.

“Mikey, I’m not going to argue with you on this.”, Leo interrupted as he stuck the thermometer into Mikey’s mouth and waited for a moment. Leo took it back out and gave it a quick glance. “Yep, he’s definitely sick.”, Leo sighed.

“Then that settles it. We’re heading back.”, Donnie stated.

Raph suddenly jolted awake. He put his hands to his chest, anticipating another panic attack of pain but nothing happened. He took a few deep breaths before calming down enough to check his phone for the time. It wasn’t that late, only nine o’clock at night. After chasing down Mikey earlier that morning, everyone was beat. Mikey spent the whole day resting in his room.

Raph kept him company during most of the day before he got real tired from not getting any sleep the night before. Mikey encouraged Raph to go to bed early so he did. But only a few hours later did Raph wake up from another horrifying nightmare. It was a pretty bad one. Raph was out in the rain chasing down Mikey again, seeing his brother fall from the air. He tried to get closer but his legs wouldn’t move and whenever he saw Mikey hit the ground, the dream would restart like a loop. Until eventually, the dream decided not to loop and finally let him run. Only to find out that it was it , the one with many names, pretending to be Mikey to trick Raph. Before it had the chance to attack, Raph woke up.

Raph looked around his room. The place was still sort of damaged but his brothers and he have managed to patch it up pretty well. Donnie did most of the work, thanks to his tech. Raph looked down at his unicorn onesie. Since his usual red one with a heart got torn to shreds, he had to wear this one. Though, he only uses it when Mikey and he make pillow forts and have slumber parties together. Raph rubbed his eyes, acknowledging the itchy dryness of sleep deprivation.

There’s no way I’m going back to sleep like this . Raph got up and decided to go for a short walk around the lair to clear his head. As he walked down around the subway station, he heard keyboard clacking sounds coming from Donnie’s lab. Raph peered his head in to see Donnie typing away on his computer. Still an insomniac, I see . Raph knew that he wasn’t doing any better, of course.

“Donnie?”, Raph asked as he entered the room. Donnie immediately jolted and nearly slammed his keyboard as he spun his chair around at Raph.

“Raph? What are you doing up right now? I thought you went to sleep early.”, Donnie asked, quite startled.

Raph was surprised to notice that Donnie was now speaking clearly again after experiencing one of his “aftermath jitters”, as Donnie refers to call it, earlier that day. Donnie had been quiet throughout the day until now. Raph faintly smiled at that.

“Ah, sorry, Don. I just couldn’t sleep again.”, Raph replied as he rubbed the back of his head. 

Raph then looked up at the screen behind Donnie. Several tabs were opened up on various medical articles. The current tab showed one about parasomnias. Raph’s eyes widened as he glanced over the article.

“Are you…researching my nightmare disorder?”, Raph asked slowly, surprisingly touched that Donnie had expressed his love for his brothers. Raph knew that Donnie did care. But there was a difference between just knowing and seeing it with his own eyes.

“I…may have started looking into it. It’s actually pretty complicated. The whole process just boils down to mentality and brain stuff. Something that I begrudgingly admit to not understand that well.”, Donnie said with slight irritation as he spun back, glancing at the screen.

Raph smiled and felt a single tear roll down his cheek. Donnie’s been over here trying to help understand what Raph was going through all on his own time. It made Raph wonder what his other brothers may have been doing too. Raph walked over to Donnie and noticed the saggy dark bags under his eyes from the lack of sleep. Out of everyone, the older brothers had the most difficult time falling asleep.

“Say, you should take a break for a bit. Wanna go watch a movie?”, Raph asked as he placed a hand on Donnie’s shoulder.

Donnie smiled faintly. He turned off his computer, got up and walked over to the side of the room, and grabbed his tablet from his desk. He looked back over at Raph and nodded. Raph smiled and nodded back. Donnie made a quick stop by his room to wipe off his makeup and remove the mask tail piercings. Afterwards, the two made their way over to Raph’s subway car together.

Raph’s bed was mounted up on the wall, about four feet off the ground with weights and other stuff being stored underneath. Raph climbed up with ease, resting his back against the wall as his feet stuck out over the edge of the bed. Donnie handed the tablet to Raph and reached for the shoulders of his battle shell. It looked like Donnie was about to take it off but then he decided not to. Raph chewed his cheek. He remembered how hypersensitive Donnie was after the Kraang. Having his softshell exposed several times must’ve been a nightmare for him. A nightmare, huh?  

Donnie pushed himself up on the bed with a little jump and lied against the wall next to the oldest. Raph looked over to his other side at the collection of teddy bears that were still spared from that other night.

“Which one do you want?”, Raph asked as he reached for the bears.

“Polar.”, Donnie replied.

Raph reached for a two foot tall white teddy bear that he named Polar. Polar had been around as long as Cheech used to be, going on eleven years and counting. Because of that, there was a huge stitched line down the bear’s back after getting ripped from a young age. The bear had two beady black eyes and speckled dots of black thread where a nose had once been. The fabric was slightly rough yet still very soft at the same time like a bath towel. The texture is the reason why Donnie likes it most. As Raph handed Polar to his brother, Donnie began rubbing his hands against the bear’s belly, arms, and ears. Raph handed the tablet back to Donnie so that he could find a movie for them to watch.

“Anything in mind?”, Donnie asked.

“As long as it’s not scary. I’ve had enough scary for today.”, Raph chuckled.

Donnie nodded as he pulled up Netflix and pressed on a shounen movie called Mirai. It was on Donnie’s recommendation tab, neither of them have heard of it before. Much to their surprise, it was a story about a little boy meeting his new baby sister. A story that Raph and Donnie could relate to in their own way. Donnie popped out the tablet stand from its cover and propped it up on a pillow between their laps. The two began watching the movie together in peaceful silence.

Raph had always enjoyed these moments. Since they both had a hard time sleeping, they would sometimes spend the night together watching movies. It became such a regular thing that Raph would never get bored of it. There was no need for words or reactions. No responsibilities to do in the moment. There were no worries at all.

After a while, Raph heard footsteps approaching. He looked up towards the doorway to see Leo and Mikey standing there holding hands. They were both all dressed in their pajamas and Mikey had a blanket tightly wrapped around him. The younger brothers approached the bed.

“Scoot over.”, Leo said as he held Mikey up by the waist, Raph reaching in with one arm to help the youngest brother up. The sun jumped, swinging one leg on before pushing himself up and lying down next to the moon.

What are you doing up at this hour? , Raph wanted to ask. He looked over at Leo and saw something that caught his attention…Raph knew the answer already. He looked back at Mikey who was shivering in his blanket, given that he was still sick. Raph wrapped the blanket around Mikey tighter and pulled him in closer. Mikey smiled and nestled his face into Raph’s embrace.

Together, the brothers stayed up and spent the night watching movies. As the night went on, Mikey was the first to fall asleep, then Leo, then Donnie…

…And then Raph.

A week later, the sun and moon walked into the kitchen one night. They were both covered in flakes of snow. Leo pulled out his phone and checked the time as it changed to midnight. He tugged at the scarf that Donnie gave him earlier. I can’t believe I had to chase down this idiot in the snow who didn’t even bundle up properly , Donnie thought with irritation.

Donnie took off his coat and gloves and set them on the counter. He then brushed off the snow and walked over to the stove. He poured some water into the tea kettle and placed it on the stove, turning it on and letting the water boil. He looked back over at Leo who was still on his phone, cold and so very tired. His makeup was very smudged, weeping down his face like a Halloween costume. Donnie sighed and chewed his lip. I can fix this. I have to fix this.

After a few minutes, the tea kettle whistled. Donnie turned off the stove and began pouring the hot water into two mugs. Just then, large thudding footsteps echoed down around the corner. They weren’t startling, however, because those were Raph’s footsteps. Yet, Donnie was worried about having to explain himself to Raph. The footsteps got steadily louder as Raph approached the kitchen. Donnie braced himself for the question, “Why are you awake?”, but then he looked up and met Raph’s eyes. They were blank. Donnie heard Leo let out a small whimper but didn’t turn to look.

“...Raph? Are you alright?”, Donnie asked slowly.

Raph stared at him for a long moment. And then suddenly, Raph flinched and gave Donnie this look as if he saw a ghost. Raph shouted a mighty roar and began charging at Donnie. Donnie grabbed the tea kettle and chucked the hot water at Raph before dodging out of the way. Raph punched the stove, missing him as the water splashed all over Raph. He let out a scream but his eyes remained the way they were. Why…Why didn’t it work?! , Donnie thought, It worked last time! What am I supposed to do now?

“RAPHAEL! YOU NEED TO WAKE UP! IT’S US!”

The one with many names had split into two clones. Their stance was just… taunting . Raph ran up to them, swinging his arms through the clones. It was like they were made of mist, reforming after each hit.

“STOP! LEAVE ME ALONE! WHY WON’T YOU GO AWAY?”, Raph shouted angrily. 

“Aww…you don’t like me, Raphy? Well that’s just too bad! I’m here to remind you of your worst failures!”, the first clone taunted.

“Like how you let Leo sacrifice himself! You know it should’ve been you!”, the second clone cackled.

Raph felt an invisible weight in his chest. Like it was crushing him. He heaved, holding back the tears.

“....I know. I—I know but…he’s fine now! Everyone’s okay!”, Raph stammered.

“ Are they?”, said a third clone who suddenly appeared out of the corner of his eye.

“ Yes! ”, Raph started to protest but then…he just couldn’t find the words to say. He didn’t know how to justify himself. The clones started to approach him slowly.

“You were supposed to be their leader. Their brother .”, said the first.

“You made a promise to protect them and yet you failed them time and time again. The promise is shattered in pieces on the floor and yet you ignore it!”, said the second.

“This is all your fault! You had just one job and yet you were destined to fail since day one! I can’t believe that your brothers still love you.”, said the third.

Raph heard a thudding ringing noise burst his tympanas as it felt like the room was spinning even though he was in the dark in the middle of this strange nowhere land. He pressed the palms of his hands against his tympanas to make the noise go away as the one with many names continued to insult him. He couldn’t make out what it was saying over the ear bleeding noise. It made him feel angry, furious . He let out another thundering scream. Why can’t they just shut up? What can’t they go away?? Why can’t he figure out a plan to solve this??? Why—

“ WHY CAN’T YOU BE SOMETHING THAT I CAN PUNCH?!?! ”, Raph screeched as he swung a fierce blow at the second clone.

The clones quickly vanished. The darkness consumed him and blinded his vision. Suddenly, the floor felt smooth and cold. The air seemed…different? And…was he covered in water? Raph couldn’t figure out what’s going o—

“ DONNIE! ”, Mikey screeched.

Raph blinked his eyes out of the darkness and suddenly found himself in the kitchen. He looked in front of him and noticed that Donnie was knocked out on the floor. Donnie’s left eye was black and bruised. His sweater sleeve ripped in shreds with his arm bleeding from several deep scratch marks.

“What…”, Raph muttered under his breath. What…happened? Raph started to approach Donnie when Mikey quickly ran over and blocked him, spreading his arms out wide.

“STAY BACK! DON’T YOU—DON’T YOU DARE GET ANY CLOSER, YOU HEAR ME?!”, Mikey screamed in a panic.

He was shaking , his breath was panicked and his eyes spelled out an indescribable horror beyond anyone’s best imagination. His magic was activated too, orange sparks circled his arms and eyes. It looked painful. Both Mikey and Donnie have developed an instinctive behavior to block or hold down Raph or Leo whenever either of the two got aggressive. It’s something they’ve learned over the past two years of the A team constantly fighting.

Raph felt that weight again as he came to the realization of what he had done. He looked over at Leo off to the side who was lying on the ground and frozen in peril. He didn’t look away and didn’t move a single muscle at all. There were faint imprint lines on his neck that were hiding behind a scarf. Woah, what happened to his neck? Did…did I do that? Raph turned around and scanned the kitchen. Several broken plates, mangled pots and pans, the dining table snapped in half, and the stove had a huge dent in it. Raph turned back and faced towards his brothers.

They’re all…afraid of me. Raph’s entire life goal, the reason he got out of bed every single morning, was to be there to protect his brothers. Not to be their leader or to do things on his own. But to be their shield. To save them from harm. But now…he was the one who harmed them.

That hot rush of anger came back to him as he opened his mouth again to speak. But then he stopped, resisting the urge to scream or cry. He needed to control himself or else he’d scare his brothers more. Raph took a long, deep breath, relaxing his face as much as he could. He then turned around and quietly stormed out of the kitchen.

Against his will, Mikey’s body continued to tremble terribly. He wasn’t sure if it was from his fear or his pain. Maybe a mix of both? As soon as Raph left the room, a strange wave of pure relief washed over him. Mikey turned around back at Donnie and dropped down to his knees. He felt a sting in his still cracked carapace as gravity dragged him down.

“Donnie? Donnie! Wake up! Please wake up!”, Mikey’s voice screeched as he tried to shake Donnie awake, gradually more and more violently. “THIS ISN’T FUNNY, DONNIE, GET UP!! PLEASE!!!”

Leo placed a hand on Mikey’s shoulder- stopping his little brother from shaking the older one- and got down on one knee beside him, scanning Donnie. Mikey noticed that Leo looked really tired. And…why was his hand extremely cold? Is that snow on him? What the hell happened to his makeup? Mikey shook his head, redirecting his attention to Donnie.

“H-He’ll be fine.”, Leo mumbled gravely as if he didn’t believe himself. He looked back at Mikey, “ Help me —...get him up.”

Mikey held one of Donnie’s arms over his shoulders as Leo took Donnie’s other arm. Mikey tapped into his levitation powers and did his best to concentrate to lift Donnie’s weight. Together, they lifted him up and made their way over to the med-bay subway car, a small line of blood trailing behind. As they made their way over, they saw Splinter walking towards them. Please don’t yell at me.

“Boys! What on earth happened?”, Splinter asked, raising his voice. Mikey suppressed the urge to flinch at the voice, even when fully knowing that Splinter wasn’t angry, just concerned.

The younger brothers both looked at each other, Leo opened his mouth to speak but all that came out was a silent cry. Mikey looked over towards Raph’s room that was on the other side of the lair. The sounds of a punching bag being beaten repeatedly echoed from there. He frowned, brows furrowed in anger. He was even more enraged at his powers giving him a headache.

“Ask Raph.”, Mikey grimaced.

He nudged Leo and they both kept walking, taking Donnie inside the med-bay. Splinter sighed and nodded, heading towards Raph’s room.

Leo and Mikey laid Donnie down in the gurney, then Leo ran over to grab the med kit. Mikey looked down at his glowing arms, sighing in relief as he realized they weren’t trembling anymore. He looked up at Leo and noticed that he was still shaking terribly, fumbling and almost dropping the med kit as he hurried back over.

“G-get me some—some ice.”, Leo mumbled, his voice quivering as he set down the kit and opened it up.

Mikey didn’t move. He kept staring at Leo, noticing how frightened he looked. Mikey knew that look too well. It was the same look Leo had when he returned in Raph’s escape pod during the Kraang fight. He’s having another panic attack —

“Mikey, go!”, Leo raised his voice as he shut his eyes and clenched his fists. Mikey placed a hand on Leo’s shoulder.

“Leo, I need you to breathe—”

“A-AND I NEED YOU TO—TO GO GET ME SOME ICE!”, Leo snapped as he swatted Mikey’s hand off.

His eyes were fierce, looking sharp like a spear piercing through Mikey’s gaze. The blue turtle’s melted makeup made his glare even more horrifying. Mikey gulped and found himself subconsciously taking a step back. Leo blinked and shifted away, hyperventilating.

“I—I’m sorry. I’m s-s-sorry. I didn’t—I-I didn’t mean to…”, Leo choked on his words as he ducked his head down and covered it with his hands, “ p-please …I’m sorry…”

Help him, Michaelangelo. You’re Dr Feelings! The peacemaker , a friendly thought whispered. Mikey stepped closer, finally finding that small spark of courage. He went to reach a hand out to Leo again, but then hesitated. He noticed how Leo looked like he was shielding himself. He’s been like that since the Kraang.

“Leo, I need you to breathe.”, Mikey repeated.

He took a few deep breaths as well, encouraging Leo to do the same. Leo slowly looked up at him and began to follow along. Mikey smiled reassuringly.

“I’m not going anywhere. I won’t leave you.”, the ornate box turtle spoke softly.

Leo’s lips quivered as he tried to force a smile that then morphed into a frown as he began to sob. Mikey opened his arms out for a hug, waiting for Leo's response. Leo paused for a moment. Then, he carefully approached Mikey and slowly reciprocated the hug. Mikey hugged him loosely, making sure he wasn’t holding his brother too tight. They stayed there like that for a long minute, Leo continuing to sob quietly. After a short while, they heard Donnie make an audible sigh. Leo and Mikey quickly looked up.

“...ugh…what…?”, the moon mumbled under his breath, blinking his eyes slowly though his left eye was still swollen and remained slightly closed.

“Donnie!! Ohthankpizzasupreme.”, the sun exclaimed in relief. He took a deep breath and let out a nervous chuckle. Leo turned to Mikey, “Michael…uh—...c-could you please bring me some—”

“On it!”, Mikey shouted as he bolted out of the room.

A couple hours passed by as Leo and Mikey helped Donnie recover. Leo also took the time to wash his face and redo his makeup. Then, Raph entered the room with Splinter following close behind. Mikey suddenly felt his shoulders tense as Raph walked over to them. Raph looked like he noticed and sighed solemnly.

“Donnie, how are you holding up?”, Raph asked, forcing a smile. Mikey chewed his cheek.

“Pssh…I’m fine. Just a black eye and a few stitches on the arm.”, Donnie shrugged, flicking his wrist.

Raph’s eyes widened for a second. He then blinked and subtly shook his head before glancing around at his brothers.

“...Okay, look…I came here to say sorry for what I’ve done. I know I’ve caused everyone quite the scare and wrecked a lot of things…Even hurt my own brothers…”, Raph explained.

“I-It’s okay, Raph. You weren’t in control—”, Leo said.

“No. No, it’s not okay. I’ve been ignoring these problems for too long.”, Raph interrupted. He then sighed and rubbed the back of his head. He spoke hesitantly, “...I think…I think it’s time…I’ve reached for help.”

Mikey felt goosebumps run down his body, making his arms tingle with slight pain. He felt that strange achy feeling of anxiety in his chest and his gut. We all need help , Mikey thought. But hearing it from Raph made it seem more real. Mikey smiled faintly at himself, because he knew that Raph actually did listen to Dr. Azúcar. That he did actually care about Mikey’s thinking.

It’s time we all got help.

A couple days have passed and it’s somewhat late into the night. Raph had sent the email replying to Dr. Azúcar’s offer and was awaiting a reply. He sat in the kitchen area of the subway lair, staring at his phone for a notification but not really expecting anything to show. Raph sighed, feeling a sense of abasement for having to admit to his faults. He knew that seeking help wasn’t weak. He knew that. But that didn’t stop the feeling from arising. Raph got up and walked out of the kitchen, finally clocking in for the night.

As he walked down the hall to his subway car, he heard the sound of silent sobbing and hiccups coming from downstairs in Leo’s room. Oh no… , Raph ran down the steps as he noticed the car doors were slightly cracked open. Just enough for Leo to fit through but not for Raph. The hiccups became louder- occasionally accompanied by the sound of burps- as Raph approached the doors.

“…Leo?…”, Raph whispered through the gap. There was a pause for a moment as the hiccups came to a halt.

“…oh ffuuck offf…”, Leo slurred under his breath. Raph’s muscles tightened as his expression hardened with fear. No…no it can’t be…

Without wasting another second, Raph hauled the car doors open and wedged his way through. The air smelled foul, hinted with a tropical scent. Aluminum cans were scattered about on the floor. Some of them were crushed, some of them were spilled. Raph counted the cans. One…two…three……seven…eight………eleven…

A twelfth can nested in Leo’s hand. The sun’s posture was slouched on the floor against his bed, quietly heaving between more hiccups. Raph looked up to see his face. His makeup was all melted and sloppy, an inky handprint was rashly smudged against his cheek. Who the hell slapped him?!

“Leo!”, Raph shouted. He hurried over to his little brother’s side and knelt down. “What on earth happened?? Why are you— Why did you—”

“H…hhheyyy laughy Raphy taffy…azzshshffd…doooonnworrabowit…I’m alllll good noww…alllll……numb…”

Raph felt red hot anger take control of him yet again. This…this fucking kid… , Raph hasn’t felt this much anger towards Leo in a long long time. Those two whole years of fighting came back up into fruition. The incident with the Kraang didn’t seem to change a thing.

“Leo…You…you promised —You made me a promise! You—”, Raph’s voice cracked under pressure.

He felt like it wasn’t fair for him to seek help as he saw Leo drift further and further away. Out of reach…like back in the prison dimension. Unable to stretch his larger form far enough to grab hold of his brother and yank him back into the safety of Raph’s embrace. Leo began to heave out large gulping sobs before he pulled himself together in one big breath. He tilted his head back, the can of beer in his hands reaching for his lips.

Raph immediately lunged forwards and haphazardly snatched the beer right out of Leo’s sluggish grip, the beverage sloshing and spilling all over the floor. A bullet of sweat trickled between Raph’s crevasse- every muscle in his body tensed- holding the drink up high in the air as if Leo would instantly die if another drop of alcohol landed on his tongue.

“...why…whyarryou- hic - always…ssshmad at me, Raphy?...”, Leo garbled, the slight high-pitched tone of a child hiding under his voice.

Raph’s expression softened. He noticed that he was shooting blazing angry glares down at Leo this whole time. He set the can down out of Leo’s reach as Raph shifted his body, leaning against the bedside with his little brother. Raph sighed with mild frustration.

“I’m…I’m not mad. I’m just… very disappointed in you, Leo.”, Raph talked gravely, not suppressing his tone under something kinder like he intended. “You made me a promise that this wouldn’t happen again. I get that you have your bad days but this is no way to cope—”

“You weren’t there.”, Leo spoke sharply. Raph was suddenly taken back by how clear Leo’s tone was. 

“What… happened ?”, Raph repeated from earlier.

Leo hiccupped. And then burped. And then sobbed. He veered forwards as his emotions spilled out in waterfalls of tears. The blue turtle wrapped his arms around his stomach as his knees tucked in closer to his chest. After a hot minute of trying to catch his breath, Leo clasped a hand over his mouth as his throat gave out a muffled hurk sound. Raph’s shoulders dropped in realization as he rolled to his side, reaching for the little plastic waste bin in the corner of the subway car. He turned back quickly, holding the bin up to his little brother. Leo snagged the bin with both hands, shifting his knees under him, as he lurched forwards and began hurling up the booze. Raph moved to sit on his knees as well, holding Leo’s mask tails back with one hand and gently patting his shell with the other.

“Atta boy, Leonardo…Get it all out…”

It’s now been over 3 months since the Mad Dogs saved the world from the Kraang. The present day being November 25th.

Dr. Azúcar had responded to Raph and he was now starting this new journey of mental recovery. At some point a few days later, Donnie waltzed in with a big stack of paper, reciting his research to everyone. One of those things were safety precautions. The brothers all went into Raph’s room and removed all of his gym equipment, setting it in another room in the subway lair. They dismounted the bed loft and placed the mattress on the floor and padded any sharp corners in the subway car with foam. Donnie installed reinforced titanium shutters over the car’s doorway that can only be opened manually from the inside, but remote from the outside. He even added motion sensor alarms on the shutters as well.

After many weeks of therapy- which included taking benzodiazepine which was used to help with his insomnia- and keeping a log journal of all his nightmares, Raph’s nightmare disorder finally calmed down again.

The storm has passed.

Raph sighed in relief and smiled as he walked into his room, closing the shutters. He got dressed in his unicorn pajamas, took his medication, and flopped down on the mattress. Raph looked up at the drawing that Mikey made a month ago taped on the wall. It was a bit wrinkled and the torn pieces were held together with scotch tape. Yet, the drawing still looked beautiful. Raph smiled, closed his eyes, and then peacefully went to sleep.

Raph opened his eyes to find himself back in that nightmare landscape. Oh for pizza Pete’s sake . Raph grit his teeth as he heard that familiar multi-voiced cackle surrounding him.

“You think you’re so smug! Convinced that you’re better than me. I wouldn’t get too cocky now if I were you…”, the one with many names teased.

“Is that so?”, Raph asked skeptically, bracing himself.

“Yes! I am your worst nightmare! I represent your worst fear!”

“Yeah, and I’ve seen it. There’s nothing else you can do to scare me.”

“Oh really?”, the one with many names asked as it twisted and turned its shape. It swirled like a large tornado, glimpses of red could be seen behind it. Soon, it transformed into a mirror copy of Raph himself except its eyes were still those wonky, scribbly ovals. Raph held his breath. No…

“You’re afraid of yourself. You’re afraid of losing control again. And you will. You will always lose to me. You will always be afraid of me.”, the one with many names spoke in a thundering deep voice that sounded like a distorted version of Raph’s.

Raph squeezed his eyes shut. He still didn’t know why the very presence of this creature always gets him scared through the core, like it was toying with his emotions and making them more intense than they were. I won’t let it win .

“I…”, Raph snapped his eyes open and locked stares at the clone. He inhaled sharply and unclenched his jaw as he screamed.

“...I AM NOT AFRAID OF YOU!”

Raph’s voice shook the whole place like a mighty earthquake. The dark foggy walls cracked in pieces like broken pottery. The one with many names transformed back its original self and for once it was no longer smiling. The cracks shone a pale yellow color like sun rays bursting in, getting bigger and brighter until…finally…the walls collapsed. Raph found himself on the rooftop of a tall building in his city, the sun rising above the horizon in the distance. It looked like that same exact morning they saved NYC from the Kraang, a beautiful sunrise with still yet a damaged city. Raph chuckled in relief as he looked across the landscape. The one with many names scoffed and shrunk down to Raph’s height, getting in real close to his face.

“I’ll be back. You know I will. There will be many more storms in your future. You’ll never get rid of me.”, the one with many names grimaced.

“I know.”, Raph smiled condescendingly. And with that, the one with many names shrunk into a shadow on the ground and slithered away.

He knows that it’ll be back. And when it does…

He’ll be ready.