Chapter Text
Lilith tried to get a grip on this feeling. It was strange, but it wasn't new. In fact, it was so familiar it was almost unnoticeable, with how it's been settling in her ever since her early years.
Jealousy.
It was almost a part of her now, just like the freckles that decorated her face.
Always looking for those unfair moments where someone favored her sister over her. For moments when her parents' attention was drawn to Edalyn rather than her. For the tiniest change of tone when someone mentioned her sister. She always kept looking for those small signs, holding tightly to them as proof she was in fact the inferior between the two of them, between the family, between herself, and anyone else really.
The way she envied her sister was just how life was for her, but lately, it was different.
Lately, it wasn't the attention of her parents she was chasing, nor any of the teachers or students at school.
No, it was the attention of Edalyn herself that she was lacking. And it was strange, considering she never had to work hard for her sister's attention. Edalyn was always giving it to her gladly, as if it wasn't a bother at all, to always have to be the one who looks out for her older sister.
It was crazy how it took Lilith so long to realize it. She spent the entire year completely busy with her studies, much more intensively than the years before, that she hardly paid attention to anything else. Including her sister. Then, when the coven tryouts had passed, she was preoccupied with the explosion of all the feelings she suppressed during all those passing months, and trying to get used to the newest addition to her feelings: Guilt.
Only now, at her last month of school, last month at home, last month in her life the way she knew it, she noticed the jealousy was burning harder than ever.
She tried to look back and see when has it all started. Was it only happening recently, because of the curse? Or was it something that had been going on for almost the entire year, and Lilith was just too busy to notice?
While the curse did separate them, it was mainly on Lilith's behalf.
No, it was something that was happening for a while, she was sure of that.
But what was the difference this year that could've caused it?
Raine.
It had to be Raine.
Raine was the problem.
Why? Lilith couldn't reason with it.
It troubled her, as she couldn't seem to understand why all of a sudden her sister had put them as a priority, much more important to her than anyone else. Lilith knew it was because Edalyn was crushing hard on her friend, but it still didn't make sense to her, the way she preferred to be around them more than anything else: her studies, her future, her family. Lilith wasn't familiar with that. She wouldn't have put anything above her future or dreams. Eda wasn't like her, but she also worked hard to be so powerful and smart, so why would she throw away everything just to be with someone who was already her friend?
Other people seemed to get it. Their mother never scold her sister whenever she chose to stay out with Raine and skip the family dinners they had. Lilith wondered if their mom would've let her do that too if she ever had anyone else to hang out with other than Edalyn.
The way it didn't bother her parents led her to only one conclusion: it was her fault.
There was something wrong with her if she couldn't understand something that seemed so simple to everyone else.
She tried to research it a few times as she did with every piece of information that was unknown to her - reading and studying until it was clear to her. But as much as she tried, this time she just couldn't get it.
It frustrated her. Was she not good enough, worthy enough, to be able to understand it? To know what was it that made her sister so distracted and happy? To relate to a shared feeling that everyone else seemed to experience?
Is it because she was bad and selfish, for all the times she was cold to her family? Is it because she had hurt them all? Was she always this kind of person, always putting herself before anyone else, sacrificing others for her own sake? Did the Titan, the universe, or whoever was in charge just know she wasn't good enough to be able to experience that damn feeling?
Lilith hated the thought that she was missing on on something. That there was something she couldn't understand or be knowledgeable and experienced about. That somehow, despite how emotions were swirling in her like a carousel, there was one emotion she was missing.
An entire world that was foreign to her - and it was all people talked about in school.
Of course, she couldn't tell that to anyone. They would think- no, they would know she was broken. Unworthy. Wrong.
Or, maybe they'll say she's just a late bloomer, but it wouldn't make it any better, knowing that just like with her magic, she's late in this too. And just like with her magic, Edalyn was getting there before her.
Lilith knew damn well life was a competition and she wasn't about to be in second place forever.
Looking back at it now, it was so unfair it was almost unbearable.
How everyone seemed so happy talking about crushes and kisses and.. other things Lilith would much rather not discuss. She was convinced they were still too young to be doing all those things.
How everyone was always so excited for Grom, making all those gross and yet adorable gromposals to each other, being all mushy and disgusting at the Grom itself, leaving Lilith with the hope this is just some dumb witch-puberty thing that'll pass with age when they'll grow up from their teenage years.
Lilith took quite a pride in her intelligence, which had saved her from the stupidity of witch-puberty. That despite going through it, she wasn't all embarrassing and lovesick like everyone else was. She always thought it made her better, as it was giving her time to work on everything that was truly important to her.
Now, however, it seemed like it was the other way around. Instead of something that made her feel good, it became a weakness.
How everyone was obsessed with it all, because for them those things weren't just fiction but reality. It wasn't a made-up feeling everyone was exaggerating as she had thought.
No, it was real.
It was real for everyone except her.
And the more she was thinking about it, the more upset it made her.
She tried to push it aside as much as possible. Her life was going to be a successful one, if only she’ll keep herself focused on what's really important. Maybe then, she'll be happy. Maybe then it wouldn't feel like there's something missing in her.
But now, at her last week of school, when everyone started to buzz about the end of the year's party and the dates they'll take, those feelings only bubbled up again, so unfairly.
Especially since it was so close to her, with the presence of both Edalyn and Raine, sticking to her side as if she was really a part of their friendship. She knew damn well she wasn't, and it was honestly better that way, not having to constantly be a third wheel, but secretly she did wish they could give her some attention. To consider her feelings as well.
Of course, they couldn't do that, since no one was aware of the way she felt, but she still hoped for them to notice.
As far as she knew they weren't even dating - Eda was too afraid to be vulnerable with them because of the curse - and yet they still acted all lovey-dovey with each other. Lilith didn't know why, but something about it made her stomach twist. What was she jealous of? She wasn't sure. All she knew was that something wasn't right with her, for many many reasons. Maybe one day she'll understand it all.
Now, however, she was far too upset to be able to process it all. Something about Eda and Raine had made her feel weird, and she didn’t know what.
When she first met Raine she was mostly happy for her sister that she had managed to make a new friend. Watching her little sister being so cheerful and gushing over Raine made her smile each time. But having Raine hanging out with them all the time would sometimes be... A bit too much for her.
She was used to it always just being the two of them. Lilith and Eda, Eda and Lilith. The Clawthorne sisters. Going through school together, studying to get into the emperor's coven together, and taking over the world together. (Okay, the last part was always just Eda's idea. Lilith never agreed with that, but she enjoyed seeing her sister goofing around.) None of those things seemed to matter anymore, now that the Emperor’s coven tryouts had passed. She knew that even before that she had constantly had to share her sister with her…friend. It was nothing against Raine, only the amount of time Eda spent with them. Trading all her study times with Lilith for more time spent with Raine, not practicing at all for weeks, and still beating Lilith without missing a breath.
And now, it really was just her and her alone. Her against whatever scheme Edalyn and Raine were engaged in. Her against other people's words, whether they spoke badly about Edalyn or herself. Her against whatever training the Emperor’s coven would soon bring on her.
Maybe some of that was her fault, but it still felt a bit unfair that another barrier was in front of her, and being with the two of them, Eda and Raine, would usually leave her feeling more alone than ever. Being a third wheel was something she never enjoyed, and something that happened too frequently ever since Raine stepped into her life. Well, they weren't even in her life, but being in Edalyn's life was enough to mess up everything.
Their presence brought up more feelings to her, and that didn't make sense to her at all.
Was she jealous of Eda for being so noticeable and loved, or was it because of Raine?
If so, was it really because of them, or was it because of what they had meant for Eda?
Was that something Lilith wanted too?
She was supposed to. That's for sure. She wasn't blind, she knew most people in her grade were already dating, crushing, and obsessing over one another. She herself got asked out a few times, but refused, being too busy training for the coven tryouts.
But it wasn't that, was it?
Just imagining going on a date with someone made her so nervous, that she wondered how anyone else can even go through it. Was kissing that much fun that it was worth all the dating troubles? It must be, otherwise, no one would date anyone at all.
With the pressure of the school's conversations, she had made herself a decision, to find out whether it was worth it or not, to see for herself if all the hassle was true.
Maybe after that, she wouldn't feel too weird about it anymore, as it wouldn't be foreign to her anymore and she could be normal.
She could be like everyone else, and better.