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Geese are the personification of evil, can confirm

Summary:

Nicholas hated his Soulmate Marker.

He would have even preferred the sappy shit the aunties at the orphanage gossiped about. Soulmate Markers that told the day they would meet, maybe even a mark that would fit perfectly with their Soulmate. Something sappy and all together nauseating.

But no, he didn't even have the boring matching marks or even the more common Marker of sharing scars.

He got a fucking bird.

(Or: Vash and Wolfwood are soulmates and get chased around by a goose until they meet. That's it, that's the fic.)

Notes:

(See the end of the work for notes.)

Work Text:

It appeared one day menacingly.

 

Rem looked at the goose staring at her, looking at her with those beady eyes. Vash looked at the animal from behind her, Nai, also looking curiously at the bird he had never seen in person before. Vash tilted his head like a confused puppy, and the goose stared back, also tilting its head.

 

It ran towards him with a squawk, and Vash shrieked, stumbling over his legs to get away from the bird. Nai gapped and tried to protect his brother, but the goose went right around him, and Nai blinked, then ran after the two waving his arms.

 

Rem looked on and blinked, and she had to cover her mouth from laughing. Seeing her two kids panic at the bird chasing Vash was hilarious, but she knew she had to gain control of this situation. She was about to, but Nai got a bright idea to throw some metal he produced at the goose. The metal went right through the bird, making the boys stare at it with wonder. The goose honked and flapped its wings, now pissed off.

 

The goose looked at Nai, whose face fell and ran but wasn't fast enough.

 

The goose bit Nai.

 

Nai squeaked in pain and tried to kick the goose off his foot, but it hung on, the beady eyes seemingly saying it now held a grudge against the twin. Nai managed to kick the goose off his leg and climbed onto the table Vash was on, the brothers looked at the bird, but only Nai glared and hissed at it.

 

"I don't like you."

 

The goose hissed back like it was saying the feeling was mutual.

 

Vash tried to hide his laughter, but Nai heard and snapped his head to his brother with a look of betrayal, making Vash double over with bursts of giggles. Rem chuckled, and she saw how the goose focused on Vash, moving around the table like it was waiting for him to step down and get into the bitting distance.

 

She made sure a hand covered her smile, but it didn't block the way her eyes sparkled in mirth.

 

Vash sure had a distinguishable Soulmate Marker.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Vash stared at the goose, who stared back.

 

Vash was walking through the sand when the goose appeared again. The goose used its webbed feet to traverse the sand, and Vash wasn't sure if geese were meant to walk on sand, but this goose seemed to have no difficulties walking on sand.

 

Vash moved to the side, and the goose followed. Vash tried the opposite way, but the goose followed again. Vash slowly knelt down, almost face to face with the goose, which only stared back with those emotionless eyes. Vash put his hands together, and if anyone saw him, they would think he was crazy.

 

He spoke to the goose, voice even, but he knew there was a slight apprehension in his eyes.

 

"Hey, Mister Goose. Can you, pretty please, not chase me again? I would very much appreciate it."

 

The goose hissed, and Vash scrambled back to get out of range. Vash tore through the desert, goose literally nipping at his heels. Vash screamed into the wind, a whine in his voice.

 

"Please stop chasing me!!!"

 

The goose only honked threateningly.

 

Vash didn't know how, but he thinks the goose could smell fear because Vash feared it. It might be his Soulmate Marker, but it didn't have to be so scary. Who knew something so small would be so evil? There was no mercy in those beady little eyes, and Vash ran with his entire might.

 

Vash had tears running down his face while he ran through the sand, and he could hear the pitter-patter of the geese's feet behind him.

 

How was it so fast?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Nicholas hated his Soulmate Marker.

 

He would have even preferred the sappy shit the aunties at the orphanage gossiped about. Soulmate Markers that told the day they would meet, maybe even a mark that would fit perfectly with their Soulmate. Something sappy and all together nauseating.

 

But no, he didn't even have the boring matching marks or even the more common Marker of sharing scars.

 

He got a fucking bird.

 

A bird that was the personification of the Devil. Something that would not let him rest when it dined to show up and make a mess of everything. It would nip and hiss at him until he started running, and even then, it would catch up and try to herd him to wherever his Soulmate was. Nicholas staunchly refused, setting his feet to fight back that only got bite marks on his legs wherever the bird bit. The bird hissed at him when he didn't run. It acted like he was the greatest stain in its life when Nicholas didn't do what it wanted. Maybe that was why he got whacked with wings more often than not.

 

Nicholas learned there was no way to get away from the bird if he didn't run, but all that was achieved was running around the orphanage with a furious bird at his ankles, getting angrier at Nicholas' refusal to leave the orphanage and finding his soulmate.

 

More often than not, Nicholas hid from the bird in the bell tower, planning his carefully planned revenge on the bird the next time it showed up. The plans never worked, but it kept Nicholas entertained at the thought of plucking the damn thing and eating it for dinner.

 

The bird was not so lovingly called a variety of nicknames, that included, Piece of Shit, Damn Bird, Plucky, Bane of his Existence, Murder Bird, Annoying Fuckin' Bird, Waste of Feathers, Future Dinner, Hellspawn, Loud Fucker, many other names Nicholas had come up over the years.

 

Altogether, it was a massive pain in his ass, and he couldn't even wring its neck since whenever he tried, his hands went right through it like it wasn't even there. Honestly, the one reason he was even looking forward to meeting his Soulmate was to get rid of this shitty ass bird, and the day when he knew he would never have to see the murderous bird would be a glorious one.

 

One of the reasons why evidence when he was woken up with a beak to the eye.

 

Nicholas woke up from his sleep with a cry, holding his eye when he heard a familiar honk. Nicholas glared at the bird with the hatred one would use if someone killed their entire family.

 

The bird only honked a bit, fluffing its wings in a way he knew signaled one thing.

 

It was going to chase him again, and he glared.

 

"Shut the fuck up, you son of a whore."

 

"Nicholas! Language!!"

 

Nicholas didn't pay it any attention, staring down his greatest enemy.

 

The bird honked like it was laughing at him, and he felt his irritation rise.

 

That's it.

 

Nicholas bodily launched himself at the bird, but like all the other times, Nicholas went right through, making Nicholas groan with frustration and annoyance. Then the bird bit him like any other time, and Nicholas yelped in pain because no matter how many times he felt it, it still stung like a bitch.

 

Nicholas got to his feet, and the bird honked again. Nicholas jumped to his feet to dance out of the way of the beak.

 

Nicholas was at a war with himself, but another bite to his leg was enough to get him running, spewing curses for the caretakers to yell at him again. They should feel how he felt, then they would know he was downplaying his feelings for the fucking thing.

 

Nicholas ran around the yard, bird at his heels to tell him, "No, don't go there, go that way!"

 

Honestly, at this point, Nicholas was petty enough to not do what the bird wanted him to do just to spite it.

 

Who cares about meeting his Soulmate if he could give the damn thing an ounce of his misery.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Nicholas threw some feed to the baby Thomases with Livio when the damn thing appeared again.

 

It honked from outside the Thomas gate, and Nicholas had the sick sense of glee at realizing the thing couldn't get in without jumping, and he had known since he was young that thing could not jump that high. It was fast as hell, but it couldn't jump for the life of it.

 

When Nicholas was basking in the slightly angered honks of the damn thing, Livio blinked curiously. Livio went to the gate and looked over the side, tilting his head in curiosity at the sight of a bird he had never seen before.

 

To Nicholas' horror, Livio opened the gate, letting the bird waddle on into the pen. Nicholas started backing up, looking for exits, not even thinking about the tongue-lashing he was going to give Livio after this.

 

Livio kneeled down, not backing up in fear he should be doing.

 

It was common knowledge at the orphanage, that if one didn't get in the way of the hell bird, it wouldn't do anything to them, only chase after Nicholas. If one did, they would get a nasty bite, and no one made the same mistake twice. So the traitors left Nicholas to his own special brand of torture. Nicholas made that known when he was getting chased around the orphanage yard, hearing the others children's laughter. After those days, Aunt Melanie washed out his mouth with soap, but he didn't regret it for a second. He was even proud when some of the younger kids started copying his words, and he cackled in glee. He was the only one to find the situation funny, but they deserved it.

 

The bird looked at Livio with confusion, and Nicholas looked at Livio with disbelief when he held out a hand filled with Thomas feed. The bird looked at it, then back at Livio, waddled forward, tilting its head at the hand, but decided to peck the seed and eventually ate some. It made some bird noises, and Livio giggled, and when the bird was eating, Livio managed to pet the head of the bird, and it let him.

 

Nicholas looked at the scene with an open mouth and pointed at the two.

 

"Livio… How the fuck are you doing that?"

 

Livio looked at him and still petted the bird's head like it was a living being and not the fucking hellspawn it was. Livio tilted his head, hand steady.

 

"What? What am I doing?"

 

Nicholas decided this was too much for him, so when the bird was distracted, Nicholas slipped on by the bird, carefully going through the gate and closing it with a click.

 

Nicholas glanced at the bird and decided it was not something he wanted to deal with.

 

"Yeah… I'm not even going to try to understand this."

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Nicholas watched with trepidation.

 

He was in a meeting room listening to their great leader(Nicholas wanted to gag at the description) when a certain thing waddled into the room, flippers oddly quiet in the room where everything echoes. To Nicholas' surprise and relief(He did not want to deal with that damned thing while "working"), the bird didn't even look his way, oddly focused on the pajama-wearing man standing in the center of the room.

 

It made its way to the front, and Nicholas had to subtly put a hand over his mouth like he was covering a yawn to block how he grinned. It did nothing to stop the glee in his eyes when Knives looked down and froze at the bird's appearance.

 

Knives' eyes glared at the feathered being like it immensely insulted him and spat on his name. The bird only honked and flapped its wings.

 

Knives eyes widened and backed up, but despite being superhuman, he couldn't get away.

 

The bird bit Knives, right on his ankles, where nothing was covered.

 

Knives hissed and tried to kill it with his numerous knives, but the metal only went through the bird. The bird was not dissuaded and continued to attack the man, and Nicholas had to stop himself from bursting out in laughter. His chest was heaving at the amount of force he was restraining himself with.

 

The bird flapped around and chased Knives, who could only try to get out of its range, and Nicholas coughed to cover his laugh.

 

Knives was now in the air, supported by his knives while the bird squawked, the man crossing his arms and not looking like he was coming down anytime soon.

 

Nicholas whispered under his breath, still close to uncontrollable mirth.

 

"Good going, Plucky."

 

If Nicholas was in his right mind, he would think the bird looked immensely smug while waddling around Knives.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"What are you doing, Vash?"

 

Vash was perched on the car roof like a gargoyle, looking down at the goose, ready to chase him if he got down. Meryl and Roberto looked at Vash with confusion, looking between him and the goose, who was having a staring contest.

 

Vash didn't break eye contact with those beady eyes, because it would only give the goose a head start.

 

"That's Harold. It's my Soulmate Marker."

 

Harold hissed, and Vash flinched, edging back on the roof, only his eyes over the drop of the metal roof.

 

"We don't get along."

 

Vash named the goose a hundred years ago when he realized he shouldn't just call the goose the Goose. The goose felt like a Harold, so Vash started calling it that since. From what he determined, Harold didn't mind the name, more focused on doing its job.

 

Meryl stepped forward, curious, but Vash called out from his elevated position.

 

"I… ah, wouldn't do that if I were you. Harold doesn't care for other people, but if you get too close and touchy, he gets a bit… bitchy."

 

Roberto looked at the goose, who was only focused on the blonde, trying to find a way up the car. He nodded and pulled Meryl away, who only squawked in annoyance.

 

"I would listen to him, Newbie. I have seen this type of Soulmate Marker before."

 

Vash perked up, looking at Roberto with wide-eyed curiosity. Vash was almost glowing. He had only heard of it from Rem, and when humans were back on Earth, it was much easier to get information about Soulmate Markers.

 

"Really?!!"

 

Roberto nodded and took out his flask while keeping an eye on the bird.

 

"It wasn't with this animal, but I saw a cat Soulmate Marker before that pushed its person to their Soulmate. I guess this is that type of situation?"

 

Vash nodded, "I think so. But Harold isn't that gentle. It's more likely to bite than guide me."

 

Roberto eyed the bird with more apprehension.

 

"Good to know."

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Nicholas was running away from that damned bird again, but it was even worse while running with Punisher at his back.

 

He may have felt worse pain than a couple of nips on his heel, but goddamn, did he hate that bird. He ran through the town, ignoring the looks he gained, especially when they noticed what was chasing him. Nicholas was cursing under his breath, a vein on his forehead ready to burst. It was just his luck that the damned bird showed up when he got into town. It was more aggressive than usual, almost making Nicholas trip over his own damn feet when the bird got under his feet, the only time the thing got tangible was when it wasn't bitting the fuck out of his legs.

 

The bird manages to get him through some back alleys, Nicholas slightly aggrieved how it was corralling him. Nicholas hissed when the hellspawn managed to get close and bit his Achille's tendon, making him pull his foot away from the beak of the bitty fucker.

 

Nicholas got out into the sunshine, not blocked by the back alley walls and roofs, but he wasn't in the mood to appreciate the hot twin suns. Nicholas took a few more steps before the said bitty fucker managed to bite his pants leg, making him stumble.

 

Just when he got some balance back and before he could get his pants out of the bird's mouth, he was bowled over, someone going full force into his chest. Nicholas felt the breath escape his lungs when he back met the ground, and he and the person who fell on him rolled for a few more feet by how fast the other person must have been going.

 

Nicholas opened his eyes, only managing to get a glance of a red coat and blonde hair, when he heard a honk. Nicholas jerked, trying to get up at the noise. He was conditioned since a young age to run if he heard that. What Nicholas didn't expect was the other person on top of him also trying to jerk away, only making it harder to get up, and they both fell on the ground again, legs tangled and making the blonde fall on Nicholas' chest, and Nicholas got a face full of blue-eyes and blonde hair.

 

Nicholas blinked, and he could see the man do the same with doe eyes, with amber glasses on his face, only making him look like one of those pretty boys he would see in those magazines with modeling jobs.

 

Fuck, he's pretty.

 

Nicholas made that connection, and before he could think about this pretty guy literally on top of him, Nicholas heard another honk, making Nicholas snap his head to the source. Nicholas openly gapped at what he saw.

 

He saw two of those damn birds(He never wanted to even imagine that sort of hell) circle each other, studying each other, openly observing the other bird. One of the birds touched the other and chittered, now rubbing against the other bird. Nicholas blinked again, numbness going through his body.

 

He slowly looked at the blonde on top of him, and the blonde looked back at him with wide eyes. It looked like the blonde was going through a revelation, but Nicholas was still not expecting what would come from the blonde's mouth.

 

"You also have a Harold?"

 

Nicholas didn't even think before he spoke, a note of disbelief in his voice.

 

"You named your bird fuckin' Harold?"

 

The blonde blushed slowly but nodded. They looked back at the birds, who only looked at them and visibly disappeared from sight. Nicholas stared more until he heard sniffling. He looked up to see the blonde sniffing, tears in his eyes. Nicholas stared in disbelief when the man whipped away tears, looking genuinely sad to see those hell spawns go.

 

"I'll miss him."

 

Nicholas groaned, dropping his head back on the hard ground.

 

"Who knew my Soulmate is a fuckin' sap."

 

The said sap gasped, but it didn't hide the tears at the corner of his eyes. The blonde tried to look more put together, but Nicholas felt like this guy was as harmless as a paper towel.

 

"I ain't a sap!!"

 

Then what Nicholas said seemed to register in both of their heads, making them freeze. They both looked at each other, and Nicholas was more than aware of the weight on his chest. The guy was heavier than he looked. The blondie looked down and blushed brightly, scrambling up and off Nicholas, who only sat up and brushed himself off.

 

Nicholas stood up, grabbing Punisher where it fell, just to do something and not blush brightly like the blondie was doing.

 

"So…"

 

Nicholas met the blonde's eyes, who only scratched the back of his head, visibly nervous. Nicholas shrugged to himself and brought out a hand, a smirk on his lips.

 

"Name's Nicholas D. Wolfwood. What's yours, Blondie?"

 

The blondie in question coughed into his fist, and Nicholas noticed the green arm for the first time. He must have been really frazzled if he didn't see that before. Looking at the man upright, Nicholas got a better look at the man, and he did not hate the image. The blonde was easy on the eyes, and Nicholas didn't know if he should call himself lucky or not to get a Soulmate this pretty. Nicholas didn't get lucky. There had to be some catch.

 

The blonde reached out a hand, grasping Nicholas'. The blonde chuckled nervously, and Nicholas raised an eyebrow.

 

"My name's Vash. Vash the Stampede."

 

There it is.

Notes:

I got this idea when I saw a ticktock talking about this specific Soulmate Au and I was like I have to do this for Vashwood. It was a need at that point. I even took a break from writing my upcoming series I haven't even posted a chapter for to write this.

What I enjoyed most when writing this is just the goose bullying Knives, I found it fucking hilarious. Especially after ep 11, Knives can go fuck himself.

I hoped this was funny to you guys because I tried. It wasn't as unhinged as I wanted it to be, but I'll take what I can get.

Comments and Kudos are very much appreciated.