Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

“Hey man, pick up the pace already!”

…

“Oh shit, that was amazing big bro!”

…

“What’s up dude?”

…

To say Donnie was tired would be an understatement. Everyday. Every damn day it was ‘bro’ this and ‘dude’ that. She always knew one day her brothers’ limited vocabulary would end up hurting her, but lord she could have never imagined it being in this way. With her caught up in her own head, crafting a predicament that was wholly unnecessary. This was, on paper, all her own fault after all. She was the one who had to be different, and a coward on top of that.

Because she’s a girl, not a boy. That’s just an undeniable fact.

Even if it is a fact that her brothers aren’t aware of yet.

And it’s not like she could fault them for that, honestly she didn’t look like a girl and she’s certainly never really been interested in any quote on quote ‘feminine things’. For over a year now those facts alone had left a bad taste in her own mouth. They became new ammunition for her to use against herself. Her own mind coming up with every possible reason for how and why she was just faking it, that these feelings and thoughts weren’t real, that she was crazy. Her brain couldn’t stop her from imagining how badly this whole conundrum could possibly turn out.

To just go up to her siblings, right now, and come out, there was at least a 95% chance they wouldn’t care, but it’s that other five percent that scares her. They, the four of them, never really just sat around and talk about topics like this. She knew for sure that they didn’t have a problem with queerness in general, but what if their tune changed when they found out one of their own was some kind of ‘other’. 

She absolutely didn’t want to have to go through some kind of talk about ‘phases’ and ‘playing girl’. It had taken her long enough already to finally feel confident in her own skin again. And she certainly didn’t want them to use her ‘masculine’ interests and disposition against her. 

It’s those spiraling ideas that keep her mouth shut. So she just rolls her eyes and their ‘bro’s’ instead of screaming, bites her lip at their ‘dude’s’ instead of throwing something, and look away at their ‘little/ big brother’s’ instead of flinching. Maybe it was better this way. Because at least now, she knew they loved her.

Maybe she could keep living like this.

But did she want to?

Was it truly to much to want to be selfish in this way. To expect and crave their unconditional and undying love for her in all aspects. To want them to always be beside her. For them to always see her as Donatello and not some stranger.

She didn’t want to, for the first time in her entire life, see if her statistics were true or not. So now she sits, juice box in hand, on her bean bag chair, pretending to read some large and dusty chem book their father had found in the sewers, hoping the image she displayed would be enough to deter any of her brothers from bothering her. 

Though if the suddenly growing shadow now looming over her was anything to go off of, her hopes seemed to be meaningless. 

“My son,” her father, master Splinter, spoke, tone quite as though he were speaking to a wounded animal. She turned further away from him until her back faced him, eyes glued to her book. “Will you be coming down for dinner?” And yeah sure that was a ‘question’ but Donatello hadn’t lived with this man for fifteen years to not know when there was only supposed to be one right answer. 

And yet, she didn’t feel very obedient tonight.

So, she threw up her shoulders, pushed her glasses further up her nose and said, “Nah.” 

She could feel a shift behind her, but didn’t care to look. She’d either get scolded for her attitude or left alone, either way didn’t matter. She wasn’t leaving her room any time soon.

But as seconds passed by into minutes, nothing happened. His presence was firm and steady behind her and yet no words or actions transpired. Cold sweat beaded on her neck, but she stayed strong, not moving, not blinking, and barely breathing. 

Thoughts upon thoughts of ‘why’ rushed through her head. She tried to rationalize, reminding herself that nothing had even happened yet, that perhaps her father was just simply looking at her in the way fathers tend to look upon their children and yet…

And yet, why? 

“Donatello.” He said, no words following. A shift came behind her once more and then suddenly to the side of her and just like that all her discipline and ninja training flowed out the window as she shifted her eyes to glance beside herself. Large black eyes stared back at her and bit off curse laid heavy on her tongue. 

Thin fingers found their way on her book while behind her the all too familiar feeling of a genetically mutated rat tail made circle motions of her back (a trick shot way to release the tension from her shoulders). 

“Has this passage upset you in some way, my child.” Mirth littered his words and Donnie didn’t need to look to know her father was smiling wistfully beside her. Her face heated at his teasing as she slumped over her book in a vain attempt to hide it from him.

“Not particularly, no .” She spat out, perhaps a tad more aggressively than needed. And it was with that that the pressure on her back increased ever so slightly in warning, forcing her scowl to turn more into a pathetic pout. 

A gentle sigh sounding off was her only warning before the warm and worn hand of her father came to rest on her cheek. Slowly, she allowed him to guide her until finally they stared at each other head on. The thinning fur touching her face tinkled her slightly, especially as he ran his thumb along the apple of her cheek, worming the smallest hint of an upticked lip twitch from her. 

“Then turn the page.” His teasing tone returned.

Oh…

Was she that obvious?

She blinked at him, once, twice, and then opened her mouth, though no words came out. Not for lack of them, no, if anything she wanted to demand him to tell her just how long he’d been watching her before she actually noticed him. But then again, it’s not like that mattered now really.

“I…” Donnie searched for some cheap excuse to give but looking at the man before her, she knew it was pointless. 

“If something ales you, I will sit with open ears. Know that you can always confide in me.” 

But could she, really?

His hand had drifted to her shoulder, holding it in such a way that achingly reminded her of Leo. She ignored that however, choosing instead to further cling to her moodiness, shifting her gaze back to the book laying open and untouched on her lap.

“There’s nothing for me to say, Sensei.”

In the blink of an eye, her book was shut for her, tossed gently onto her bedroom floor.

“I will not force you to speak with me, but I implore you, do not bury whatever is eating at you.” Her fathers smaller hands surrounded one of her own, cupping them like they were something precious, something fragile. “Work through this, and do not let it fester inside your own head. Go to your lab and create something new or repair something old, my child, but do not hide away.” And with that he stood in one sweeping motion, hands easily coming together behind his own back as he began to walk away.

“I will send one of the boys up to bring you a plate.” Was the last thing spoken to Donnie before the sliding door to her room began to come to a close.

Seconds felt like hours as her mind raced. In spite of herself, something tugged in her chest. His words, his command to not hide, well in honesty they were just fatherly mojo junk, but to her, in this very moment, felt like some kind of sign. Which was a notion that made her feel incredibly childish as she internally rolled her eyes at her so ‘Mikey’ like train of thought.

And yet…

“Wait!” She shouted out, the single word leaving her mouth before she could even think ahead. And her Master did wait, standing in the doorway as she clumsily rose. She all but tripped over her own lanky limbs as she sloppily skipped over her cluttered floor. “I-I think I’ll, uh, come down too.” She nodded unconscious as she spoke, eyes moving up and down from her father’s face and the floor. 

With the speed of a true master, her father placed two fingers on the bridge of her glasses, simultaneously pushing them up her face and straightening them for her. The flinch that shook through her body was involuntary, causing her golden eyes to slam shut and she took a half spent backwards. The old, raspy laugh that followed her action relaxed her, bringing her back to the present. 

Her smile was a tad tight in return, but she followed after him nonetheless. She just hoped she wouldn’t regret this decision. 

Chapter Text

The, well let’s say, open concept of their home left Donatello to stare right into the belly of the beast. Try as she might, her own steps skittering behind her father’s came across as anything but confident. The sound of music and the smell of pizza wafted up in equal parts towards the old master and his tall shadow in equal parts. She was on the brink of just making a quick tactical retreat when her father spoke.

“Boys, a little less ruckus, please. Some of us would actually like to be able to walk through the kitchen.” Splinter rushed down the stairs with the swiftness of a great wind storm, skipping steps as he went. Three sets of eyes fell on him with full attention while none seemed to notice the way Donnie stopped at the top of the stairs. Her hand firmly grasping the railing she was all but sure had never actually been used for its intended purpose before. It’s from that perch she stared straight down into the kitchen where her brothers all flitted around like buzzing flies.

“Sorry Sensei.” Leo had already made his way over to the radio, fiddling with the volume dial. If Donnie’s heart wasn’t in her stomach, she’d have at least smiled at the way her eldest brother struggled with the little buttons.

“Ye'h, s'ry Se'sei.” Her little brother, Mikey, barely managed to speak around the globs of half eaten food in his mouth, looking at their father with his head tilted back over his chair in a queasy sight. He sat alone at the table, leaned back in his chair with his nasty feet up on the table. Thankfully someone had had the foresight to only leave the box of vegan pizza (Mikey’s pizza) up there. 

It was a miracle he didn't choke when Master Splinter’s tail shot out, pushing on the back of the teen’s chair until it slammed down onto all four feet. The sound of Mikey sputtering slightly and Raph laughing left little to the imagination, especially as she caught a glance of the way Leo’s face scrunched up in that funny way when he felt sick. 

“Not cool.” The youngest whined out. Though at least the attack had seemingly made him actually swallow the food in his mouth. A novelty, truly. “It’s like ya tryin to kill me. You’re my dad, you’re supposed to love me and stuff.” Though she could only see his back, she was more than sure those baby eyes were at full force. She knew that tone anywhere.

“Hardly,” their father started, already sitting at the bar stool next to Mikey, raising a hand in the air until Raph threw one of the pizza boxes at him from where the he stood, all puffed up and posted by the counters. Easily her father caught it while at the same time making a point to not break eye contact with his youngest child.

 “A true master knows how to regulate his power. Mildly startling you and killing you, Michelangelo, are on two very different ends of my capabilities.” There was a teasing tone in his voice as he smirked, popping open his box as he finished speaking. Napoli pizza with anchovies can only look oh so appealing up to a point just given the nature of the abomination, though that didn’t stop Leo from attempting to grab a slice for himself. Only to, like always, have his hand be smacked away at lightning speed. 

Of course, the eldest acted as though that hadn’t happened, only to make his way over to the back of Mikey’s chair where he let his hands rest on the youngest shoulders. “Poor Mikey, if only anybody had tried teaching you manners, maybe your life wouldn’t be so hard now.” His sentence ended in a laugh as he rubbed at Mikey’s head while also avoiding the younger’s swatting hands. 

“Or look at it this way, bro, maybe one day ya will finally choke. Then ya might actually learn something without having to sit through any lessons, huh?” Raph smirked, always needing to put his two cents in, as he shifted against the counter. He’s stuck a half eaten slice of his pizza back in a box, one filled with Leo’s margherita pizza and not his own meat lovers, but at least it wasn’t on the counter. It’s the small victories that count Donnie supposed, because just the thought of all the germs in their kitchen alone was enough to get a rise out of her. 

For a half second,  Raph moved in a way that made it seem like actually he’d sit down as well, only for his eyes to flick up until he was looking right into Donnie’s own. 

“Planning on stay up there all night, Don?” It hit her then, this feeling of being a bystander, a voyeur, watching on with water logged ears. Everything felt muffled, dim even, and she couldn’t stop herself from sighing as she all but dragged herself towards an open seat, Master Splinter’s eyes heavy on her as she came down.

She took her usual spot, ignoring the way Raph snickered at the way she’d rolled her eyes at him, albeit lacking in her usual heat. She wasn’t really in the mood for any fighting, playfully or not. The faux leather under her peeled and kicked up, giving her hands something to pick at as made her rolling chair rock side to side ever so slightly. 

Around her, the others spoke, though she chose not to fully tone in. Probably nothing of substance anyway. Instead her eyes had stayed glued on the table, not even bothering to look up once her own box had slid into her view. She could feel the weight of Raph sitting down next to her, choosing to bite the inside of her cheek rather than sink further into her seat. Her brothers, though nowhere near as smart as her let’s just be real for a second, are by no means stupid. Immature, loud, vulgar, and hot headed, yes, but not stupid.

Like a pack of wolves they could smell the fear on you, and even now she knew it was only a matter of time before one of them finally broke down and asked her what her whole attitude was about. And though she couldn’t help it, she cursed the chemicals in her brain that caused this fight or flight to seize up in her chest, even if at this moment ‘freeze’ would be a more appropriate sum up of her physical state. 

She’d run the numbers and yet was still awaiting to actually run the test, allowing a low chance outcome to rule over her every thought. God she’s the worst scientist ever. Like in the history of ever. When has the fear of failure ever stopped her before? She couldn’t even count the amount of times she’d blindly trusted the algorithms, throwing away her own safety to the hands of undeniable fact. Yet here she sat, unable to move a muscle.

“Pepperoni for your thoughts?” She blinked up at Leo as he leaned halfway across the table with a single slice of said topping held out to her in offering. He huffed slightly, a small smile gracing his lips, when she continued to just simply stare. Like a short circuited machine her mouth opened, then closed.

It struck her suddenly how quiet the room had become. Something tight built up in her chest, her eyes locked on to her eldest brothers still as though somehow he could save her from making a fool of herself. Save them from their fathers questions, or from their brothers inability to read rooms. But alas, there seemed to be no such way to transfer all those thoughts and feelings over in one single look.

“Come on Don, your thinking’ so damn loud I can practically hear it over here. So what? Either spill or cut the crap already.” Her largest brother’s hand felt heavy on her shoulder as he pushed her slightly, more so in that purposefully agitating way older siblings tend to have in some vain attempt at teasing or calming rather than maliciously. 

“Don’t tell me,” Raph brought a hand up to his chin, resting his head on it in mock contemplation, his snaggletooth on prominent display as he grinned down at her. “, you finally managed to find a to make a robo-girlfriend and still got rejected?”

“Raph!” Leo hissed, and from the way the table all but jumped as Raph’s face scrunched up, Don knew from experience what a kick to the ankle by Leo looked like. She almost felt sympathy for her red banded brother, almost, but he just laughed it off for the most part.

“What? Just jokin’ Lee, chill already.” He looked so bright, so in his element as he squinted at Leo’s scowling face. Laughter was still loose on his lips when he turned to look back at her, a brow bone raised as he awaited her response. This game of theirs was old news. Call and response. One threw a proverbial punch and the other threw it back twice as hard. There he stayed, waiting and waiting, until that fire dyed down in his eyes a little. She couldn’t keep his gaze after that, but even still it wasn’t hard to catch the way his face dropped ever so slightly.

It made her queasy, the way that she could ruin the mood in the matter of seconds. She forced herself to not analyze those emotions. The intense need to bite her nails grew in the back of her mind but she pushed it down, focusing instead on some way to salvage this. 

Raph didn’t like being kept in the dark, and Leo’s mind tended to wander to the worst case scenarios, and their duel overprotectiveness wasn’t something she exactly wanted to stay on the receiving end of. 

It’s not like this is a big deal anyway. All she had to lose was her family’s unconditional love. She was blowing this out of proportion, just bite the bullet now or drop it.

Her hands felt sweaty, she could feel it worsening as her breath began to pick up. They knew. They knew something was wrong. She was making them uncomfortable, god why did they all have to be so quiet? They should be enjoying dinner, not worrying about her. It’s not like she was dying. Why can’t she pretend, be normal, keep this to herself? But it’s too late now, it’s at the tip of her tongue and yet she can’t, she can’t-

Not a second passed before she felt a pulling sensation jerk her head in the opposite direction, leaving her to whip her head around until she could put the full force of her scowling onto her little brother. 

“You gonna eat that?” Mikey looked coyly at her, one hand still holding an end of her mask’s ribbon while the other patted at her pizza box. It was entirely involuntary the way her face scrunched up, eye twitching slightly. There were no words, none, that she could think of in that moment to encapsulate the way she felt. Every metaphor fell short.

“No, Mikey.” And when she looked at him, looking right at his stupid, perfect face she knew there was no way that in any world, she would not love him. No matter what he did, no matter what happens, she’d always love him. Suddenly it all seemed so simple, so silly.

“‘No, Mikey, I’m not gonna eat this delicious five cheese pizza sitting right in front of me untouched’, Right?” He smiled at her in that way that made it near impossible to not smile back at.

“ No, Mikey , keep your paws off my dinner.” She slid her box away from him right under his fingertips. For a moment she paused, soaking the attention all in for a moment. She could feel her own gaze soften as her body lost its tension.

“I,” she paused, flushing slightly as she rubbed at the back of her neck, feeling for the first time in a long time the awkward tension of ‘stage fright’ grip her. And yet she made a point to stand, she always did have a flair from dramatics though, didn’t she? “,I do have something I need to say.” Wetting her lips she looked between them, not truely stopping on any of them. Still that ever present uncharacteristic silence filled the room until she once again found herself looking into her eldest brother’s eye’s.

He straightened himself quickly, clearing his throat half assembly before speaking, “floor’s yours little brother.” She watched as his tense smile dropped at her slight wincing.

"About that I, ah,” it was cathartic, maybe even a form of karma that her tongue twisted up in that moment. So she closed her eyes, took a deep breath, and re-centered herself. A hand, small and thin, touched her shell, but she didn’t flinch, only smiled before looking at her father who now stood beside her. He nodded, and that seemed to be the last push she needed.

“I-I am a girl.” Jesus she felt like she could throw up right then and there. But the hand on the back of her shell didn’t move, so neither did she. The room filled with pause for a second, one that felt like the worst millennia imaginable, until a new hand found her own.

“I always wanted a sister! ” Mikey’s grip was tight on her own, bruising almost but she didn’t complain. No, she was too busy getting lost in her baby brother’s smiling eyes. She blinked, and by God she felt like she could cry at the way he seemed to vibrate in his seat, as though this is the best news he’s heard in his whole life.

A warm chuckle came from behind her right as her father’s hand left her back, just in time for Mikey to all but throw himself at her, hugging her midsection like his life depended on it. While her euphoria was high, she snuck a glance at her silent older brothers.

Leo for his part just stared. It wasn’t necessarily bad but nearly unreadable. She chose to skip past that instead of festering on it, though Raph wasn’t much better. He sat, as he had been before, near entirely unchanged. It took him a moment, but finally he nodded before grabbing one of Leo’s pizza slices.

“Cool.” It was so typically Raph that she found herself scoffing slightly as she shook her head, her smile basically doubling without her permission. He only slightly winced when their father flicked the back of his head.

"You have such a way with words." She joked as bright fluffy happiness encapsulated her. There was something to be said too about the way that Raph didn't even complain as she took a piece of his pizza for herself. Nor did he react much besides sucking his teeth when Mikey stuck his tongue out at him from where he stood, still clinging to her side.

"Yeah, yeah I'm a regular poet. Now since you’re in such a good mood and shit why don't you go grab me a coke?" Before she could even get a word in edge wise, he pointed at her with his eyes narrowed slightly. "And before you even think about complaining, your closest to the ice chest and your standing, thats the rules princess ." 

"Well, Mikey’s the youngest and standing and is technically a centimeter closer than me, so he should do it." She was quick to respond, eating up the way Raph smirked at her and the way Mikey pushed back, hand clutching his chest as he gasped loudly enough that Splinter flinched, having now returned to view and back to his seat.

It wasn't even until she had finished speaking that she'd actually processed what he'd said. Princess …Kami, she loved him, but jeez did she hate him at the same time. Older brothers are the worst, though not nearly as bad as the younger ones.

"Leo's the oldest, make him do it!" Mikey whined as though they'd just asked him to run the length of the city and back instead of just taking approximately seven steps to the left and back. All at once they whipped their heads around to openly stare at their eldest brother. Who just sat there, his eyes still looking right through Donnie. 

Something syrupy caught itself in her throat. In a flash he seemed to break out of whatever spell he’d been under before uttering a half assed, “huh?” Finally looking away only to let his gaze sweep over each of them, not knowing who to stop on. 

“Leo…” she really didn’t have anything to say and yet her mouth hung open for a moment. An odd sense of awkwardness hung around him, permeating the air before his gaze softened on her. 

“Donatel-, Donni-, Don…oh lord.” Her eldest brother shook his head slightly, “I- what should we call you?” 

Huh. Well, to be honest, she hadn’t thought this far ahead. Nor had that question ever circled around her mind, but now that it was out in the opean… Well Donatello did seem a little inappropriate. 

“Um,” she looked towards her father who simply shrugged in return. “Whatever, I don’t really mind.” The words came out more mumbled than she’d like. But she really didn’t mind, did she? It’s not like she hated it, it’s who she is, or was. It’s all a little murky at the moment.

“Ooh!Ooh! I got it, what about Donna? Cause like ‘Donna-tello’. Get it!” Mikey shouted out, his baby blues all star filled as he looked up at her, Raph’s coke hanging loosely in his grip. 

“Mikey you can’t just-“ Leo started, that strange unnamed tension still clear in his posture. But she was quick to cut off his words, because who was he to say anything.

“I like it. I-I like it a lot .” Butterflies returned to her stomach, only to be slightly squashed by Raph grabbing her wrist and bringing her back down to her seat. Back down to earth. 

“Hell yes! The mikester strikes again!” And that got a small laugh out of her, even as Their father began scolding him for his foul language. Something that was a lost cause with his other two sons. 

“Donna?” There was a tapping on her foot that brought her and Leo back to each other. She nodded, watching as his fingers tapped quickly against the table.

“Thank you for telling us, I know this must have been hard.” It suddenly became much easier to breathe. “I-well I guess I can speak for everyone when I say that we love you.” With that the unnamed became named. Apprehension. That’s what it was. Not hatred, or disgust, or some fake care, but anxiousness. As though he thought he’d upset her, as though he’d somehow say something wrong, as though she was suddenly something like a little delicate flower so easily crushed.

And though she was his little sister, his only little sister, that didn’t suddenly mean she wasn’t the same turtle he’d known like the back of his hand for the past fifteen years. Donna, she really liked how that sounded, pushed her glasses up a little and leveled him with an unimpressed glance.

“Obviously.” It was totally worth it to see the way Leo’s eyes widened momentarily before crinkling up. He squinted at her in a way that no fake smile could bring, of which lay covered behind his hand.

Once again, it was loud. Each person talking over the other, jokes and curses all flying free over head. The booming sound of the radio nearly back to its full glory, mixed with each of their voices. The smell of greasy pizza and half drank fizzy soft drinks filled the air. It’s there Donna sat at the center, adding in here and there, but mostly listening into all the dizzying chaos that only a family could leave in their wake. 

They ate, a rat with his three sons and one daughter, as they had a perfectly normal dinner. Or, as normal as it could be for them. And in that moment they only thing she could think was that Mikey was right, her five cheese pizza was delicious.