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This past summer had been the best one of Wylan’s life, because now he had somebody to spend it with and he wasn’t sitting in his room waiting for school to be back in session. Jesper could have spent his summer with anybody, but wanted it to be Wylan. He’d taken him to parties and on road trips and on so many dates Wylan couldn’t count if he hadn’t been journaling about them.
He didn’t want to forget a single moment, so when he wasn’t spending the night at Jesper’s house he was pasting photos of them into his diary giddily. One day he’d tell Jesper he was doing this but for now, he was still too shy, still too new to the whole dating thing.
They’d been dating a little over half a year, and Jesper had just turned 18 which was exciting. In a few months when they went back to school, Wylan would also turn 18 and though it didn’t actually change much, in Wylan’s head it should have.
To Wylan, if he’d been dating his boyfriend for six-ish months and they were about to be seniors in high school, they should probably be further along in their relationship. And it just so happened on this Friday night, Colm Fahey would be out of town for the weekend, leaving two teenage boys in their first committed relationship, alone.
Wylan, who had been friendless up until just last year, did not actually know how relationships, platonic or romantic were supposed to go. So he’d been observing and listening and researching, through people they went to school with and film. This was probably not the best, most authentic way to learn about relationships, but Wylan didn’t know there was another choice.
Friday night and his father wouldn’t be home to catch them, so naturally the two of them could only focus on watching cartoons for so long. Eventually, during a particularly painful filler episode, Jesper had turned to look at Wylan to find him already staring.
Wylan gasped into Jesper’s mouth the way he always did when Jesper got on top of him and they kissed over and over again. This was completely fine, Wylan knew how to kiss, they’d been kissing for months and there had been no complaints. It helped that Jesper had kissed before they met, but he assured Wylan it wasn’t like this, never like this.
There was nothing scary about kissing Jesper, in fact Wylan had enjoyed it from the very first kiss and when they’d made out for the first time Wylan’s brain chemistry had been altered. That yes, making out with Jesper had just become one of his favourite things in the world.
Wylan found himself to be quite simple, that he could be completely satisfied just rolling around being kissed. Then, a few months ago, Jesper’s hands started wandering and Wylan found out he also liked that, that was also another favourite. And when Jesper pressed their bodies together for the first time weeks after that and rolled his hips, Wylan super liked that, loved it.
Which brings them to now, Jesper 18 and Wylan almost 18, and they’d only touched each other over clothing. Wylan clenched his hands in the back of Jesper’s shirt as they kissed until they were breathless and rocked against each other. This is what they usually got up to and neither of them had any complaints, in fact they were having a fantastic time.
However, that small voice in Wylan’s head was telling him he should be doing more, that it was his duty as someone’s boyfriend to do more. He let go of Jesper’s shirt with one hand so he could slide his fingers over his stomach and up so he was touching his bare abdomen.
Jesper, a teenage boy wildly in love with his boyfriend, was more than happy to allow Wylan to touch him. There was certainly no rush and no pressure, but Jesper would accept everything Wylan wanted to give him. Wylan’s shaky hand reached Jesper’s chest and Jesper groaned a little, tilting his head back and smiling when Wylan chased his mouth for more kisses.
Perhaps, kissing was grounding Wylan, because this was freaking him out just a little bit. As someone who thrived off of routine and habit, being the first one to make changes was terrifying. But he was going to try, because this was normal and Wylan wanted to be normal.
“You can take it off…” Jesper murmured against Wylan’s lips, and Wylan wondered if he had the confidence to take Jesper’s shirt off, he’d been invited to but, doing it was different. Wylan looked into Jesper’s eyes, and his gaze was steady, he seemed to always be steady when they got in bed together, completely focused.
“Okay…” Wylan whispered, eyes fluttering over Jesper’s warm face and he managed a smile. It was okay, it was Jesper. “You can…um…” He didn’t know how to finish his sentence, not sure it was a genuine request or a checklist. Wylan took the hand that Jesper was clutching his waist with and guided it to slide under the waistband of his pants.
“Holy shit, yeah, okay, you sure?” Jesper swallowed the lump in his throat as he had half of his hand down Wylan’s pants, something he wasn’t expecting but was delighted by. Wylan was not sure, but trying to be, because they were almost both 18 and dating and this is what high school seniors were supposed to do.
“Mhm, love you,” Wylan breathed out when Jesper leaned down to kiss over his neck, because all Wylan had managed to do was push Jesper’s shirt up to expose his chest, it was a bit too much to take it all the way off. Jesper was warm and getting warmer and Wylan shut his eyes so he could just focus on that.
“Love you.” Jesper echoed, the hand in Wylan’s pants was gentle and reassuring but there was only so much Wylan could be reassured about being touched so intimately for the first time. It wasn’t weird so much as it was unfamiliar, and Wylan was so achingly bad with the unfamiliar.
Wylan's eyes were shut so tightly he didn’t really process what was happening, just thinking about every shiver and twitch of his body. This was fine, because this was normal, and Wylan trusted Jesper implicitly. The thing was, he could be in love and trust him all he wanted, if his brain said no, his brain said no.
Maybe Wylan had done something wrong, because as fast as Jesper’s hand had touched him over his underwear, his hand was out of his pants. In fact Jesper’s mouth was off of his throat and Jesper’s body weight had shifted completely off of him. Wylan was laying on his back with his eyes screwed shut and small, unsure sobs leaving his mouth.
“Wylan? Fuck, I’m so sorry.” Jesper didn’t want to touch him in case that was the issue, that he’d gone too far or misread the situation and now Wylan was crying because of him. “We can stop, we can just watch shows like we planned. Wy? Baby?”
Wylan's hands came up to cover his face, extremely aware that he was very much crying and freaking out and God, he was so embarrassed. This wasn’t supposed to happen, he was supposed to be sleeping with his boyfriend for the first time. With a shuddering gasp, Wylan turned over so he was on his side and curled in on himself.
“I-I’m sorry, I wanted to, I want to,” Wylan didn’t know how he was going to face Jesper ever again, didn’t think Jesper would ever want to touch him again if it meant it would make him cry. “I thought I could, I ruined it. I got scared and I ruined everything.” He didn’t know what else to do so he kept crying, soaking a tiny little puddle of his tears in his boyfriend’s sheets.
“Did I scare you? I didn’t mean to, baby…” Jesper had worried about coming on too strong, this whole time he’d been worried about it. That maybe Wylan felt like he had to say yes to him, felt like he had to agree to date him, and had to keep kissing him when he didn’t feel like it. “It’s okay, don’t be sorry, if I pushed you…”
“N-no, I don’t even know,” Wylan sat up hurriedly, frighteningly dizzy and he hugged himself tightly. “It’s not you, it’s never you, it’s me.” He leaned forward so he could rest his head on Jesper’s shoulder, shaking his head. “I want to be a good boyfriend, that's all.”
“You’re a great boyfriend,” Jesper slid his fingers through Wylan’s hair and stroked through it lightly, listening to Wylan’s huffy breaths. “It’s fine if you don’t want me to touch you like that, it’s more than fine.”
“But I do, I want it so bad,” Wylan looked up at Jesper with tearfilled eyes and gulped down a small gasp for air. It was so hard to talk when he was pretty sure he was having an anxiety attack, but this was all he was worrying about so he had to keep talking about it. “It’s just, okay, Jes, don’t laugh at me, I mean it. You know how I completely shut down when I have to go to the dentist?” His hands were shaking and Jesper softly held them on his knees, gaze hardening.
“Your dentist?” Jesper was struggling to connect Wylan’s dentist to Wylan not wanting to go further in bed, until something awful clicked and he frowned. “Wylan, if this is how I find out terrible things have been happening to you at the dentist.”
“I mean the dentist is terrible.” Wylan meant this as a general statement about the anxiety he failed to deal with everytime he went to the dentist, not that the dentist had assaulted him. Oh God, Jesper thought Wylan’s dentist had assaulted him. “Oh! No! I mean that, I’m super scared of throwing up, you know this.”
“Thank fucking God, yes, I know this.” Jesper’s head dropped down in relief that the conversation was flipping from Wylan being touched without his consent to Wylan being afraid of vomiting. “So, you shut down when you go to the dentist because you’re scared you’re going to throw up.” He nodded, this made complete sense to him, that those x-rays were hard for anybody but of course hardest for someone who’d nearly thrown up from it. “And you…shut down when I touched you like that because…you thought you’d…throw up?”
“Yes and no,” Wylan got up on his knees and moved their hands so they settled on Jesper’s legs instead. “Don’t laugh at me, please don’t,” He swallowed down more tears, blinking a few out of his eyes so he could watch Jesper’s jaw clench in concentration. “I’m so anxious, about everything really, but um especially…” He felt his cheeks flush darkly and he fidgeted in accordance with his deafening heartbeat. “If you were like, in my mouth, and I couldn’t take it, and like, threw up on you.”
Jesper was quiet for too long because Wylan had been too humiliated to use any descriptive terms. And Wylan had to softly shake him because why was he being so quiet? It took a lot of courage to admit to his boyfriend that he regularly had anxiety attacks thinking about puking on him in intimate scenarios. Wylan frowned, slightly bouncing on the bed as he gave a frustrated whine because why was Jesper silent, now of all times?
“You…” Jesper cleared his throat, and his grey eyes swept over Wylan’s face cautiously. “You’re scared that giving me head…” He watched Wylan turn his face away from him completely, stomach twisting because of course, Jesper had only been quiet because he was working it out. “Would make you throw up on…my dick?” He had to finish the sentence, he just had to.
“Don’t laugh.” Wylan complained, even though Jesper hadn’t yet, but knew he so wanted to. Wanted to laugh not because Wylan’s anxiety was funny but because the situation was a little bit ridiculous. “If your…if you…your dick…” He whispered as if somebody was in the room with them. “If it goes too far, I will throw up, and I’ve seen videos, not of throwing up, that would make me throw up, but of like, people giving… um head…and it looks like it goes far.”
“Hold on a fucking second,” Jesper felt like he’d been punched in the gut a couple hundred times, absolutely reeling from the things Wylan had just said to him. He let go of Wylan’s hands so he could slide his own up to his thighs and lean in close. “How big do you think my dick is? And…” Of course there was an and, as if Wylan was not already pushing Jesper away by the chest, pouting as he got made fun of despite begging to not be. “Wylan, you’re watching porn?”
“Those don’t feel like actual questions.” Wylan complained, huffing out a loud exhale as Jesper moved to get between his legs and he parted them to let him in. Jesper tilted his head so their noses touched and Wylan gently moaned in complaint, but was the one to kiss him first. “I don’t know how big it is, but I’ve felt it, and it’s not small…” He mumbled, blaming Jesper’s body for his fear and then kissing his jaw. “For study purposes, I’m watching it so I don’t embarrass myself. Like I did, already.”
“Wanna look?” Jesper was asking this seriously, without a hint of meanness. Wylan touched his hand to Jesper’s belt but didn’t move to undo it, just thinking about whether seeing it would help or hinder the situation. “Also, you know that shit’s not real, right?”
“I know it’s not real, I only watch amateur-” Wylan caught himself a second too late and Jesper grinned at him, pleased to know if Wylan was a visual learner, he’d at least been learning from a more credible source. “Can I see it?”
“Uh huh.” Jesper looked down at his belt as he and Wylan worked together to get it undone. Wylan giggled softly as Jesper attempted to toss it to the floor but it had gotten wrapped around his wrist a little too tight and so they had to wrestle with that. “Also I’d like to note that, big or not, I don’t have to like…put it all in your mouth…that’s not a requirement.”
“It’s not?” Wylan peeked into Jesper’s pants and got a good look, humming in thought. He was genuinely approaching this from an educational standpoint, ignoring the way his stomach churned with a sort of want he’d never really experienced before this moment. “I think it’s big.”
“Thanks, baby, means a lot.” Jesper chuckled fondly, putting his pants back on properly and leaning back on his side, extending an arm to Wylan who laid down beside him. “Also giving me head is not a requirement either, you don’t have to. I thought I was just gonna jerk you off earlier.”
“Jesper.” Wylan grabbed his boyfriend’s pillow and put it between them, burying his face into the muted navy blue gingham fabric. Sure, they were in the comfort of Jesper’s room and wouldn’t be interrupted for days, but Wylan was still Wylan, still getting used to talking about sex with his boyfriend.
“This is good, baby, we should talk about this,” Jesper encouraged, one hand against his head as he propped his arm up with his elbow and the other hand rubbing Wylan’s hip. “All the stuff we usually do is good right?”
“Yeah, I like it,” Wylan softly draped his leg over Jesper’s and he laughed, grabbing his boyfriend’s thigh instead. “Do you like it?”
“Yes, I really do.” Jesper smiled when Wylan looked up from his pillow and he shyly pressed his blushing face back into it when their eyes met. Wylan at least kept his eyes open, hugging the pillow so tightly it hurt his arms. “How do you feel about me…giving you head?”
“Oh.” Wylan hadn’t thought about that, but thinking about that, what a thought to have. He reached for Jesper’s blanket and went to hide under it but they were sitting on too much of it and he just clawed at it to no avail. “I’d probably like it…most likely.”
“Knew you would, dirty boy.” Jesper laughed happily despite Wylan shoving the pillow into his face and attempting to smother him. It didn’t last very long because Wylan knocked the pillow to the floor and pressed himself to Jesper’s body timidly. “See anything in those videos you like?”
“Um, I dunno,” Wylan said this in a way that made Jesper not believe him, but of course Jesper wasn’t going to push. He’d wait forever, even if Wylan ultimately decided not to tell him.
“That’s okay, if you don’t want to describe it you can show me,” Jesper tapped at Wylan’s thigh in a small little rhythm, looking into his eyes and catching his unnerved gaze. “As in with videos, for study purposes.” He clarified, definitely not suggesting Wylan give himself another anxiety attack trying to copy what he’d seen on camera.
“Watching porn together feels dirtier than just showing you in person.” Wylan admitted, though he would likely not be acting it out. “Is there um, something…you like?” He scooted closer so he was almost in Jesper’s lap and Jesper laid down on his back so Wylan could be on his lap if he really wanted to.
“I think that I’d probably get off, on getting you off.” Jesper was nothing if not honest and answered this with a shrug. Wylan flushed cherry red again, but got on top of Jesper, lying down on him lazily. He let Jesper bury his hands in his hair the way he always did. “That feels like a shitty answer but I always just think of you feeling good and that’ll do it for me.”
“That does it for you?” Wylan whispered as he got his hands on Jesper’s chest and lightly began to trace his collarbones. Jesper did not bother hiding how Wylan’s careful hands made him feel, and Wylan didn’t let it stop him from exploring Jesper’s skin. “You…think of me?”
“It might be weirder if I didn’t touch myself to the thought of my boyfriend.” Jesper didn’t want to stigmatize a single thing they talked about today, he wanted to have an honest conversation because it would stick with them forever. “What about you?”
“I think of you, but I don’t do anything.” Wylan mumbled, because honestly he’d just ignore every tingle between his legs until he saw Jesper next and was alone with him. “Is it crazy that I’d let you…um…inside me…before I gave you head?”
“I think that you think there’s some sort of made up order of things.” Jesper murmured, absolutely fuzzy-brained at the thought of Wylan wanting him anywhere close to inside him, but he powered through. “We can do whatever we want whenever we want. Did you mean like…going all the way? Or fingers or something?”
“Or something?” Wylan’s eyebrows furrowed, what else was there to choose from? Maybe he hadn’t been watching enough videos, or he should be watching less because to him it seemed like there was a clear order in all of them.
“Toys and stuff.” Jesper shrugged, and Wylan felt like the conversation got a little bit too big, that there was so much he didn’t know and he’d always been an overachiever that wanted to know everything.
“I just meant…like…fingers…” Wylan was really, really fucking trying to ignore the way the lower half of himself demanded attention. “I don’t know about…um… sleeping sleeping together.”
“Are you saving yourself?” Jesper hadn’t considered this, but it was absolutely no problem. As pre-established, whatever Wylan wanted, Jesper most likely wanted it more.
“Maybe a little bit,” Wylan admitted to both of them, because yeah, he would like to wait a little longer, not much longer, but longer. “For when I’m 18…”
“Oh, that’s in like three months.” Jesper noted, and Wylan nodded, because yeah, it wasn’t much of a wait, but it was special to him.
“I thought it would be nice…as like a bigger symbolic thing,” Wylan babbled, because now he’d got on the topic of being 18 he had a lot of thoughts to share. “The same way I want to change my last name. Kind of um, reimagining myself? Recreating myself. If taking my power back makes any sense, it probably doesn’t, I’m just saying whatever…” He sighed when Jesper stroked his cheek and offered him a chaste kiss.
“It makes sense, and I’m really excited to be a part of that.” Jesper smiled when Wylan somehow got heavier on top of him, like now he was finally the most relaxed he could be. “Thanks for trusting me, by the way, I know it’s scary, all of it…”
“It’s a little scary, but it’s also you…” Wylan had already done a lot of scary things with Jesper and the fact he was there with him had completely transformed them into things he just wasn’t scared of anymore. “You trusted me too…thank you for everything.”
“Of course, baby, I trust you with my life and all my secrets.” Jesper grinned as Wylan pushed his hands under his shirt, clearly warming up his cold fingers on his boyfriend’s naked skin. “Also wanted to mention that I’m gonna be gentle with you, in case you were nervous about that.”
“You’re always gentle with me…” Wylan happily chirped, nuzzling into his boyfriend’s neck and dragging his thumbs over Jesper’s hip bones just to listen to his breath catch. “Do you feel like gently getting me off?”
“What? Like right now?” Jesper had been lulled into a sweet and sleepy state of mind and was not exactly thinking about it despite all the evidence.
“Or in like ten minutes if you wanna nap…?” Wylan hugged Jesper around the neck when he rolled them over and got on top of his boyfriend again.
“I’m awake,” Jesper gave a very convincing stretch, sliding down Wylan’s body until he was laying between his legs. “May I try something new, baby?” He searched Wylan’s eyes for an answer and was very, very thrilled to see his pupils react before his mouth did.
“Yeah…yeah you can.” Wylan’s eyes fluttered when Jesper reached for the waistband of his pants again, this time there was not even a hint of anxiety. “Sorry if I pull your hair or something, I don’t know what to do with my hands.”
“More than fine, my love.” Jesper gave a small smirk because Wylan’s blue eyes were practically all fucking pupil at this point, blown wide with arousal neither of them knew Wylan had in him. “Ready?” He offered Wylan his left hand to hold onto and Wylan slotted their fingers together softly.
“Uh huh, ready, Jes.” Wylan’s voice was small and squeaky because he had never felt like this before. Jesper pushed Wylan’s pants down his thighs and got to work, Wylan didn’t stand a chance and neither did Jesper. Fingers found hair and Wylan remembered they were home alone just in time to supply Jesper with a soundbite that would be on fucking repeat in his head until he died. And he’d go peacefully because he’d made Wylan make that noise.
There was still some summer left before they’d go back to school as seniors. Plenty of time to try things with no homework or parental supervision. All the time in the world to be young and in love.
Plenty of time to talk it out and touch it out. The judgment-free zone they managed to create in less than a year had ultimately saved both of them. They built a place in each other where they could be honest and not fear retaliation, where they could just be teenagers figuring out how to navigate being alive.
In a few months they’d be 18 and seniors and then a few months after that they’d be leaving home. To think a year ago they’d never been alone in a room together, and now they were all each other thought about.
That the universe had let them be together, let them be so cosmically intertwined that there was no version of Wylan that could live without Jesper, and no version of Jesper that could live without Wylan.
As least not in a universe either of them wanted to exist in, could bear to exist in. Not after knowing each other in this one. They’d know something was missing, on a cosmic level, they would always seek each other.