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“What the hell is that?”
Peter Nureyev looked up from his comms over his shoulder to Juno Steel, his darling detective, who was looking down at his screen with such confusion that it brought immediate laughter to Peter.
“That, my dear detective, is a rabbit.”
“No it’s not!” Juno declared, sounding offended. “That thing couldn’t hold half a beer, there’s no way that’s a rabbit!”
“W-what?” Peter asked, bewildered. “Juno, I know rabbits are different on Mars, but they can’t be truly that different. This is what’s known as a Holland Lop rabbit, they’re quite common pets on Earth.”
“People keep rabbits as pets on Earth?!” Juno looked horrified at the idea. “Those things would knock you on your ass for a 12 pack and a Playboy!”
“What?!?” Peter laughed, “Juno, that's absurd! Rabbits can’t have alcohol, and they certainly can’t read!”
“What? No, of course they can’t read . They look at the pictures, keep up, N-Ransom.”
Buddy and Rita walked into the room, already looking amused at the two.
“Just what are you two bickering about now?” Buddy asked.
“Rita, come look at this thing, this thing isn’t a rabbit, right?” Juno snatched the comms out of Peter’s hand to show her, clearly not letting this go in any capacity.
“Aaaawwwweeeeee, Boss it’s so cute!!” Rita exclaimed, “I dunno what it is cuz it’s certainly never any kinda rabbit I've seen before, but it’s real sweet lookin’.”
“Ransom says this is a rabbit, but there’s no way! Hell, the smallest rabbit I’ve seen in years was still damn near up to my hip!”
Rita nodded along, “Yeah, I ain’t never seen a rabbit that small before. And certainly never that clean. Its front paws ain’t even big enough to make a fist yet.”
“Darlings, I’m sorry, what?” Buddy Aurinko seemed at a loss for words. “Make a fist? Nearly your hip? What sorts of rabbits do you all have in Hyperion City?”
“But you do recognize that this is a rabbit, Captain?” Peter asked, still trying to make his own point.
“Well, yes, it does look like the Earth rabbits that were kept as trophy pets in the Outer Rim.”
“You managed to be on Mars consistently for five years and never saw a rabbit?” Juno demanded, “Like I could see them not being in the Cerberus Province, but you never went to Hyperion, or Olympus Mons?”
“Well, boss,” Rita cut in, “You could technically go to cities on Mars and never see rabbits. Ya just couldn’t go anywhere near the poorer areas or the sewers.”
“Wait,” Peter cut in, suddenly looking a little sick, “Wait when we first met, that joke about the sewers and rabbits, that wasn’t a joke ?”
“Look, the Kanagawas’ breed like rabbits, Rex. Which is to say that most of ‘em don’t make it past 16, but the ones that do are crafty, mean, and they’ll sell your leg straight off your body if they think they can get 5 creds for it.”
Juno looked offended and horrified in equal counts, “Why would I joke about the rabbits, N-Ro-Gl-aaagh!” He cut himself off, “Why would I joke about the rabbits, Peter?! They were a serious threat if you didn’t know what you were doing!” Rita nodded in agreement. “They used to have rabbit patrols when the populations got too out of control for the sewers to house and they started coming up! If it got backed up in the sewers they would put a curfew out so you didn’t run into them when they came up to resupply!”
“Resupply?” Buddy asked, shocked, “Resupply what?”
“Mostly alcohol and smutty magazines,” Rita replied, “But if the flooding got too bad they’d have to come up and get actual food cuz the places they would get it from would get cut off.”
“And this was normal to you? You just thought that’s how all rabbits behaved ?” Peter looked as horrified and offended as Juno.
“Of course we did! Because they do! That’s how rabbits are! They aren’t too bad if you know what you’re doing, but they’re still dangerous!” Juno had started waving his hands wildly. “Mick, Sasha, and Ben all grew up with me and even they never messed with them! Mick didn’t learn how to deal with rabbits until we were in our 30s!”
“You ‘ deal with rabbits’ by feeding them vegetables and grass and picking up their poop when they hop away!” Peter waved his hands back, “They’re small creatures, even the largest ones don’t get that much bigger than small dogs!”
“I have to agree with Pete, rabbits from Earth are virtually harmless.” Buddy chimed in.
“Harmless?!?” Juno and Rita cried together. They in near synchronization began shuffling sleeves and bracelets. “Does this look ‘harmless’ to you?!”
Rita showed off a scar on her right wrist, easily buried under her many bracelets and cardigan sleeves. It was about three inches long, clearly older, and crossed in a diagonal line from near her inner wrist towards her outer elbow. Juno had one of a similar jaggedness, this one amidst a smattering of other scars, though now being clearly pointed out among his left inner forearm. It was much larger, spanning closer to seven inches, and clearly had just missed vital arteries when it happened. It looked old, but that didn’t sit well with either Peter or Buddy.
“These are rabbit scars,” Rita explained. “I got mine a coupla years ago when I had to get Mistah Steel outta one of his hidin’ holes near Oldtown and I got too close to a burrow. It was a warnin’ bite, but I still had to go to the medical station for it.”
“I got this when I was ten. I had ran away from home again and I got into a fight with one of the rabbits and didn’t pay attention when I picked the fight. It was a young rabbit and his mother was nearby. I’m lucky it missed the joint.”
Peter and Buddy’s jaws dropped and they stared between the two scars and the small, fluffy rabbits still on display on Peter’s comms in Juno’s hand.
“Well, darlings. I’d say the phrase ‘they do things differently on Mars’ doesn’t quite cover it all, now does it?” Buddy said, sounding a bit faint. “I believe I’m going to go find something to drink, I’m feeling a bit lightheaded at the moment.”
“I’ll join you,” Peter cut in, blinking owlishly at the Martians. “I believe I have run out of rabbit energy for the day. I think I’m going to just… Have something to drink and lie down.”
Rita and Juno nodded and shrugged, almost in a ‘we get that a lot’ kind of way, which didn’t help Peter and Buddy’s lightheadedness as they moved to the kitchen. Rita and Juno immediately had hit off on a different conversation, completely unrelated to anything that had just happened.
Once in the kitchen, Buddy and Peter looked at each other.
“So… we’re never bringing up rabbits again, right?” Peter asked hesitantly.
“Pete, I don’t think my heart can take hearing more about those rabbits. So no, I don’t think we will bring them up again.”
The two toasted their drinks, finished them with a flourish, and went off to their separate rooms.