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“Can I show you a secret?” Rolan asked quietly, shifting so that he was pressing his face against Rand’s shoulder, practically laying on top of the man with a smile spreading across his face. He let out a small sigh, shoulder deflating as he relaxed against Rand, legs tangling together underneath the blankets. He poked Rand in the stomach, curling his fingers around the fabric of his shirt, feeling the soft texture of the worn-out band tee.
Rand hummed from deep in his chest, taking a deep breath that Rolan could hear from his position on top of Rand’s chest. He shifted so that he was looking down at Rolan, blinking through heavy-lidded eyes and trying not to fall asleep in the comfort of the room and the reassurance of their embrace. Rand was so warm, and Rolan loved to relax in his arms.
“Yeah, man, anything,” Rand nodded and hooked his arms around Rolan’s shoulders, a bit confused at what the other was getting at. He furrowed his eyebrows and pressed his shoulders deeper into the pillows that he was reclined against. Rand began to rub small circles into Rolan’s back, tracing patterns with the pads of his fingers and tracing his hand up and down his back, causing Rolan to shiver at his gentle touches. Rolan sighed and tried not to sink too deep into his arms,
“Okay, you can’t tell anyone,” Rolan wriggled a bit in Rand’s grasp, enough so that he could push up on his elbows to stare at Rand intensely, squinting his eyes and practically staring into Rand’s soul. Rand raised both eyebrows and tilted his head back, a playful smile spreading across his face as he refused to take this situation as seriously as Rolan was making it out to be.
“Not even Kian?”
“Well…” Rolan hesitated and looked away, a small blush spreading across his face, “I’ll tell Kian soon… but I wanted to tell you first…” He reached up to rub at the back of his neck, feeling the points of his spine pressing against his palm as he shifted again, trying to keep himself comfortable and as close as he could to Rand.
“What is it, then?” Rand smiled softly, squinting up at Rolan (only because he wasn’t wearing his glasses).
He was trying to take this seriously, really, he was. But it was always hard to take Rolan seriously when he would get that adorable, formal look on his face. As if he were thinking really hard about what he was about to say next, treating this as if it were a court case. It was cute, Rand couldn’t help but smile and reach out to cup Rolan’s face in his palm, pressing his thumb to his cheekbone.
“Here,” Rolan shook his head slowly, sitting up so he was straddling Rand’s torso, his knees pressing against his sides. Rand made a small oof at the shift, stomach stuttering at Rolan’s sudden weight, but he shifted until they were both comfortable with Rolan sitting on top of him, Rand still staring up at him with curiosity in his eyes.
Rolan took Rand’s hand, curling his fingers around his wrist and feeling the warm pulse just underneath his skin. He slipped Rand’s hand underneath the hem of his shirt and pulled it up for Rand to rest his palm on his chest. Rand’s eyes widened minutely and he gave Rolan a suspicious look, a playful smile tugging at the corners of his lips.
Then, Rolan guided his fingers to the long scars across the length of his chest. They were easy enough to find, and when Rolan held Rand’s hand there, he focused his attention and made sure Rand knew that this was what Rolan was trying to show him.
He wanted Rand to feel the slightly rough texture of them, how they curved just underneath where his breasts would be. The line of the slightly raised scar tissue, the way that it stuck up on his chest, how it was tactile enough that he didn’t even need to take his shirt off at the moment to show Rand. He just held onto Rand’s wrist, light enough that Rand could move his hand back and forth, curiously feeling Rolan’s chest as if he wasn’t entirely sure what he was supposed to be feeling.
It took Rand a second as if he had forgotten who Rolan had been in middle and elementary school. Then, when his fingers did a second pass, then a third—fourth pass over the long, thin scars, just feeling the rough texture of them, tracing the line of Rolan’s chest without complaint, feeling the thrumming just underneath his skin or the way his ribs protrude. He was more than happy to feel the texture of Rolan’s skin, enjoy the close contact and feel the different blemishes on Rolan’s body.
Then, Rand’s eyes widened. Rolan knew that it had finally clicked.
“Holy crap!” Rand sat up some, almost pushing Rolan off him with how quickly he moved, hands skirting to the edges of Rolan’s chest, cradling his rib cage in his warm, rough hands, “Can I see?”
Rolan nodded, chest lighting up with a familiar, euphoric warmth at Rand’s excitement. At his acceptance. At his understanding. At the fact that Rand seemed completely overjoyed if only for Rolan’s sake. Rolan couldn’t help but smile, a small twitch to his lips making him almost giddy with joy. It felt like the first time he had seen himself shirtless post-surgery all over again.
Rolan let out a slow breath to calm his racing heart, trying not to get himself too worked up. Rand’s hands slid down until they were resting on Rolan’s waist, calloused fingers lightly toying with the smooth skin of Rolan’s sides. He slid his thumb back and forth, back and forth, rubbing gently as he admired Rolan as if he were the most important thing in the world.
Carefully, as if he were afraid of injuring surgical wounds that had long since healed, Rolan pulled on the hem of his shirt, lifted it up over his head, and allowed it to drop onto the bed next to him. He shivered at the sudden rush of cold air on his skin, goosebumps prickling against his arms and making him suddenly feel exposed, and vulnerable.
His bout of euphoria didn’t completely vanish, but he squirmed under Rand’s gaze. This hadn’t been the first time he had been shirtless around another person, but it was the first time he had been shirtless around someone in a long, long time. Especially someone like Rand, someone that Rolan loved with his entire chest. Someone that he loved so much that it made his heart swell with fondness. Someone that Rolan so desperately wanted to love him just as much as Rolan loved Rand.
And even though he had just allowed Rand to feel his scars, showing him the rough, painted lines across his chest without actually showing him, it felt different now with his shirt off. More personal. Because now Rand could admire him as much as he wanted. He could stare with his heavy-lidded eyes and his slightly squinted stare because he refused to wear his glasses around the house.
Rolan felt exposed. He wanted to wrap his arms around his chest and hold himself tight just to keep himself away from any prying eyes. Even if he knew that he was alone and that Rand would never do anything to hurt him. Rolan let out a slow breath, heart pounding so loudly in his chest that he was sure that Rand could hear it.
“Wow,” Rand practically breathed, drinking up Rolan’s appearance like a man dying of thirst, fondness filling his gaze. He trailed his hands up and down Rolan’s sides, not yet touching the scars now that he could see them, but just admiring the way that they curved and splayed across his chest. He stared at Rolan as if he were his entire world.
“Look at that,” Rand reached up again this time, fingers dancing lightly across his skin and making Rolan shiver at the contact. Rand’s hands were warm, and everywhere he touched seemed to burn so hot that when he moved, the cold air was practically painful. Rolan wanted to just curl up in Rand’s arms, feel their chests together, and listen to the sound of his heartbeat. He wanted to feel Rand’s arms gently circle around him and hold him so close that Rolan could feel safe tucked away in his embrace.
Rand traced his fingers along the scars, tracing his finger back and forth as he matched the visual image to the sensation of before. It was as if he were committing every small detail of Rolan’s form to memory, the jut of his ribs, how they seemed to flare out in a position that certainly wouldn’t be comfortable for a human. How when his heart pounded as aggressively as it currently was, the movement was practically visible as the muscle thrummed against his sternum.
He whistled appreciatively, and Rolan blushed, turning away so he didn’t have to face the brunt of Rand’s loving expression. He kept his hands on the side of Rolan’s ribs, pressing his thumbs to the edges of the surgery scars, and rubbing gently. Rand looked Rolan up and down, watching his stomach tremble or his sides twitch every time Rand dragged a gentle touch across his skin.
“You like it?” Rolan asked, bracing his hands on Rand’s side as he tried not to just collapse against Rand, missing the pressure of their embrace. Every small touch that Rand dragged across his skin seemed tantalizing as if he were just teasing Rolan with the dregs of contact, putting him on edge as he stared lovingly at Rolan.
“It’s amazing,” Rand let out a deep sigh, and smiled so wide that Rolan was afraid that he was going to split his face, “when did you get this done?”
“A year or two after I left,” Rolan said, leaning forward enough that Rand could drag his hands across Rolan’s shoulders and pull him into a half embrace, a good bit of space remaining between them. “My birthday in 76.”
“Must’ve been an amazing birthday present,” Rand breathed, pulling Rolan down to rest on top of him. He traced his hands up and down Rolan’s back, hands sliding against the sharpened vertebrae on his spine.
“Best present I ever could’ve gotten,” Rolan kissed Rand on the jaw and then pulled away, bracing his elbows on Rand’s shoulders as he tried to sit up. Staring at Rand very seriously. “But you really like it?”
“God, man, I wish you would’ve told me sooner so that I could’ve celebrated with you. I’m so happy for you.” Rand nodded, reaching up to smooth some of Rolan’s bangs away from his face. He pushed his hair back and it fell right back in front of his forehead while Rand just admired his face.
“I didn’t think you’d care,” Rolan looked away and tried to hide his gaze, he let out a breath and felt Rand’s hands exploring all over his bare torso, up and down his back, tickling against his sides, and turning home to the scars on his chest.
“Of course, I care, dude,” Rand tilted his head back so that he didn’t have to look at Rolan either. They weren’t good at talking about things like this, they normally didn’t. But Rolan wanted to bring this up. “I was pissed at you, but I still cared.”
“I’m glad,” Rolan let out a sigh, slipping his own cold hands underneath the hem of Rand’s shirt so that he could feel the warmth of his stomach. Rand shivered and squirmed a little bit, laughing as he tried to push Rolan’s hands off him, jolting at the cold of his fingers. Rolan smiled almost sadly. “I wanted to call. I didn’t think I had that privilege anymore.”
Rand stopped moving, his hands stilled on Rolan’s chest and he frowned. “We really messed each other up, huh?”
“A little bit…” Rolan shook his head sadly and frowned, chewing on the inside of his mouth.
“God, we’re so stupid,” Rand threw his head back again and stared up at the ceiling, “I’m sorry for pushing you away.”
“I’m sorry for leaving you,” Rolan said, shoulders slumping, “I’m sorry for leaving and not saying anything for ten years. I’m sorry for coming back like this after not even telling you I had transitioned.”
“I’m sorry for making it seem like you couldn’t even talk to me,” Rand bit down hard on his lower lip and shook his head slowly, as if in disbelief, “I missed you, a lot.”
“I missed you too,” Rolan took Rand’s wrist once more, bringing his hand up to his face to press a gentle kiss to his palm, holding it there. He let out a slow sigh, warm lips pressed against Rand’s hand as they relished in the other’s presence. Rand’s hands trembled and he reached out with his one free hand to hook around the back of Rolan’s shoulders. He pulled him down once more, wrapping both arms around his shoulders.
“I’m happy for you,” Rand admitted, “I’m really happy.”
“I’m happy too,” Rolan practically flopped against Rand, allowing them to lay chest to chest, relishing in the lack of any buffer between them. Flat chest against flat chest. It felt nice. Rolan had cuddled with Rand like this before, but he felt lighter. It felt nice to be able to share his euphoria with Rand, even if Rand probably had no idea the extent of the relief that it was for Rolan. It was nice to be able to lay this close, heartbeats thudding together in rhythm. “This body isn’t mine. But I made it my own.”
Rand laughed softly and held Rolan closer, “Hell yeah you did.”
“It’s mine now,” Rolan said, playing along with Rand’s energy as he nuzzled his face into Rand’s shoulder. “I made it mine.”
“It’s yours,” Rand traced his hand up and down Rolan’s back, feeling the way that his spine protruded, “And you don’t let anyone, or anything, tell you otherwise.”
Rolan couldn’t help but smile, wrapping his arms around Rand. He only pulled back enough to press a kiss to Rand’s jaw, peppering small kisses all over his face. Rand laughed and cupped his face in his hands, kissing him back.
Their lips met, and Rolan held the kiss, leaning against Rand and breathing in the smell of their shampoo.
“God, you need to stop being so attractive,” Rand complained, laughing as he broke away from the kiss, “you’re gonna drive me insane.”
Rolan just smiled and practically buzzed from deep in his throat. He nuzzled against Rand’s neck and kissed his throat gently, exhaling sharply and sinking against Rand. Rand was so warm, and with his arms tucked around Rolan’s bare torso, he felt as if he would be protected from everything. He could burrow against his partner, relishing in the safety of the embrace and enjoying the fact that it made him feel right at home.
He was happy. He was happy to lay with Rand and allow Rand to admire him, knowing that Rand would see every good part of him that Rolan never could. In his chest, there was a light, warm feeling spreading throughout his entire body, one that he remembered being similar to his feelings right after his surgery. And now again after getting to share the experience with Rand.
Euphoria.