Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

The ride back to Camelot is suffocating for Merlin.

Arthur and the Knights have never been so quiet.

Gwaine at least is silent for good reasons. He was injured in the fighting. Bad enough he spends basically the whole ride to the castle leaned back against Percival coming in and out of consciousness. Percival is busy keeping both of them comfortably seated on the horse.

But Elyan is side eyeing him.

Leon is unabashedly watching him. Not hiding at all the fact that he is treating Merlin as at least suspicious and at most a threat. Hand never on his sword but never far from it. Positioning himself in a way in which Merlin is always in view.

Lancelot, who of course already knew about his magic, is glancing at him often with pity in his eyes. Clearly knowing a little of the internal strife Merlin is experiencing.

And Arthur. Arthur who barely survived a sword from Mordred. Arthur who spent most of their journey to keep him alive hating him. Who thanked him, expecting clearly to die. And now that he's not dead he has not looked Merlin in the eye. Hasn't looked at Merlin at all.

He’s not entirely sure what he hates the most.

No, he is. It’s Arthur. The man he had done all this for. The man he loves. The man who will not meet his eye.

All together it is suffocating. His secret is out. The magic he has been hiding all these years is known to all he holds dear. It should be freeing. But Merlin feels like he can’t breathe.

The moment they arrive in Camelot he is left alone. All the knights going off in their own directions. Most to Gais for patching up. Some clearly just escaping Merlin.

Lancelot at least claps him on the shoulder before he disappears to find Gwen.

Merlin decides all he can really do is his usual duties. So he takes the horses to the stables and removes all the saddles and bags. He goes from there to Arthur’s room with the bags and gets to work unpacking and separating things he will need to wash.

The door opens and closes behind him and Merlin turns to find Arthur frozen at the door. He’s been stripped out of his armour and is wearing just his loose red shirt. The outline of bandages around his torso is visible.

“I’m just finishing up unpacking. I’ll go locate your armour and get to cleaning it.” Merlin says, turning back to his task.

“What are you doing?” Arthur’s voice sounds strained.

“I know you don’t think I’m much of a servant, but I do know how to do my job.” Merlin starts piling up the few things that need to be washed before finally turning back to look at Arthur.

Merlin tries his best to not let his anxiety slip onto his face.

“Stop.” Is all Arthur says.

“Won’t take me a moment then I’ll be out of your hair.” Merlin is unsure what he should be doing. Arthur’s face suggests he is doing something wrong.

“Stop acting like a servant. The secret’s out Merlin. Stop now.”

“I’m still your servant Arthur. Magic or not.”

“I don’t want you to be. Consider this me firing you. You’re not my servant anymore Merlin. So leave those clothes. Leave my armour. Just leave me.” Arthur’s voice sounds like steel. Feels like a blade in Merlin’s heart.

“I don’t want to stop being your servant, Arthur. Nothing has to change.” Merlin is pretty sure his voice is coming out pleading.

“Everything has changed Merlin. The only thing that hasn’t is that I am your king. Leave me now, that is an order.” Arthur is looking directly at him, dead in the eye, when he says this.

Merlin doesn’t know what to say. Arthur is firing him and kicking him out of his room. The weight on Merlin’s chest doubles.

The clothes fall from his hands. The sound of them hitting the stone floor pushes him into movement and he escapes Arthur’s chamber as quicky as he can.

His breathing is ragged by the time he gets to Gais’ chambers. Partially from the almost run he had done to get there, partially from the interaction with Arthur.

When he swings the door open he finds all eye on him.

Percival looks at him troubled. Gwaine looks at him betrayed.

Gaius is the only one who looks happy to see him.

For an old man he makes quick work of the distance between them, and he wraps his arms around Merlin tightly.

“I’m so glad to see you, my boy.” Gaius sighs in his ear, relief clear in his words.

“And I you Gaius.” Merlin hugs him back just as tightly.

“Are you hurt?” Gaius leans back to survey him for injuries.

“I’m well. I’ll go to my room while you finish up with the knights.” Merlin says, patting Gaius on the shoulder before making his way across the room and up the stairs to his own space.

He closes the door firmly behind himself and sinks down onto his bed, burying his head in his hands.

The inability to breathe has not left him. Merlin tears off his jacket and neckerchief.

Arthur doesn’t want Merlin around. They have had their differences over the years. Hell, he has been fired from his job before. But not like this. Never like this.

The days following their return go painfully slow.

The suffocation only increases. Most of the knights avoid him but keep their eyes on him from a distance. Only Gaius and Lancelot speak to him.

It’s five days before he has had enough. Enough of the looks. Enough of the silence. Enough of the idleness. Just enough.

He leaves a note for Gaius, Lancelot, Gwaine and Arthur then packs his bag and collects his horse from the stables. He rides his way out of Camelot without looking back.

It feels like running. It feels the most cowardly thing he has ever done. But after the events of the last few months, he feels he deserves to be a coward.

He travels around for a while. He visits a few different druid settlements and such. Eventually he finds himself a little cabin a few hours from a town.

It feels a little like the middle of nowhere. But it also feels entirely his. He is able to fearlessly use his magic to fix the place up. Can plant himself a little garden of herbs and such as Gaius had taught him about. It’s quiet. Sometimes painfully so. But three months after he has left Camelot, Merlin feels like he has found a place for himself in the world once again.

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Arthur’s world has been turned upside down. From the moment he survived that blade from Mordred, to the moment he learned of Merlin’s magic, to finding Merlin’s letter.

It has sat on his desk since the moment he gave it to him. He had read it over and over again until the words became engraved in his brain.

Dearest Arthur
This letter may shock you. It may not.
I’ve decided to leave Camelot. You are the once and future King. You are uniting the lands of Albian. The prophecies have been fulfilled. I have fulfilled my destiny.
I thought we could return to the way things were. I was wrong. You were right. Everything has changed. There is no longer a place for me in Camelot.
I wish the best for all I have left behind in Camelot. Tell the knights they had become like brother to me and that I will miss them.
Know that I will miss you the most. You will always be my king.
Your faithful servant,
Merlin.

It is shocking. He had needed space from Merlin when they returned. He had needed space from Merlin. Space to process. Process the fact that he had lived. That Merlin had magic. Everything.

He hadn’t intended for this much space. This is too much space.

It’s like an itch under his skin. Not having Merlin around. A constant irritation. He can’t help but look for him in every moment. Waiting for a witty comment. Looking for a piece of Merlin, any piece.

He finds none.

Perhaps it’s idiotic, but he doesn’t really believe it. The weeks pass waiting. Waiting to heal. Waiting to reorganise his kingdom. And always waiting for Merlin to return.

He doesn’t.

The weeks pass and he doesn’t.

The weeks pass and some of life moves on. Gwen sits him down to explain that she and Lancelot are still in love. That surviving the battle for Camelot had brought them closer together. That she will always love Arthur but thinks it would be best for them to separate. Arthur finds himself relieved for some reason.

Gwaine pulls him aside four months after Merlin has left. Pulls him aside sounds nice. Gwaine corners him after a round table meeting. Really it should be surprising it has taken this long for Gwaine to talk to him about Merlin.

“You need to go find him and bring him back.” Gwaine’s words are firm. His eyes are fierce.

“I won’t drag Merlin back to a place he doesn’t want to be.” Arthur sinks back into his chair and runs his hands through his hair.

“He does want to be here. I know he does. We were just stupid enough to let him leave. You need to go and get him. Wherever he is.” Gwaine tugs out the chair beside Arthur and perches in it. Merlin’s chair. The chair that has remained empty since he left.

“He needed to go. He said there was no place for him here in his letter to me. Maybe he has found his place somewhere now. After everything he has given up for Camelot, he deserves that. Besides, even if I wanted to get him, I don’t know where he went.” If he did know where Merlin ended up, he would have gone and dragged him back kicking and screaming.

”In my letter he said he felt like it would be better here if he left. That he had kept such a massive secret, that he understood that none of us wanted to be around him. His place is here with us. With you. I can’t live with the idea of him out there all alone thinking we all hate him.” Gwaine’s voice is laced with guilt and pain.

Arthur hadn’t realised how much Gwaine had been affected by Merlin’s absence. Logically he knew they were close, but he had been too wrapped up in his own mind to notice what he sees now. The dark circles under his eyes. The unkempt hair. Gwaine looks like a mess. Looks like someone who lost his best friend.

Arthur probably doesn’t look much better.

“I never wanted him to think we hated him. I never wanted him to leave. But he has. I don’t even know where he would have gone.” Arthur leans back in his chair and rests his head on the wood.

“I think Gaius is still in contact with him. Go see him.”

Arthur is briefly shocked but jumps from his chair and goes straight to the physician's chambers.

He walks straight in to find Gaius sitting at his table, staring at the door of Merlin’s room. He startles and turns to the door when Arthur closes the door behind him.

“Can I help you sire?” Gaius asks, getting quickly to his feet and bowing at Arthur.

“I need to find Merlin. Gwaine says you know where he is.” Arthur gets straight to the point.

The itch of missing Merlin has become unbearable at the prospect of finding him again.

“I do know where he is. But I don’t think it is my place to say sire. He has found himself some peace.” Gaius’ voice is gentle but the words are firm.

“I just need to see him Gaius. Need to talk to him. I need to tell him that this is his place. That he does belong here. That I was an idiot for ever letting him think he didn’t.” The words come tumbling out of Arthur. He is finally saying all that has been in his mind.

“I do not want him hurt, you must understand sire. He has been through too much. If he has found peace, I don’t want to disturb that.” Gaius sits back down at his table, gazing again at Merlin’s door.

“I won’t force him to come back if he doesn’t want to. There are just so many things I want to say to him. I cannot keep going, knowing that he has ever doubted my affection for him. I will say my bit and leave him alone.” Arthur promises. Basically pleading with Gaius at this point.

“Very well sire. Just do not hurt my boy.” Gaius is pleading right back.

“I won’t. I swear this to you Gaius. Upon my word as the king.” He looks Gaius directly in the eye as he says this.

Gaius gives him directions to Merlin, and Arthur sets off first thing the next day with his knights accompanying him.

Chapter Text

It’s a slow and tedious trip to find Merlin. Arthur is tempted to give his horse free rein and gallop away from the knights. A decent sized group makes it too slow.

But he doesn’t. It is one of his duties as King to travel with his knights. Really, he is lucky he managed to take this journey with only Pervical, Lancelot, Elyan, Leon and Gwaine. His advisors had prompted him to take more to keep safe. That is after they had tried to stop him from going in the first place.

It did quickly become apparent that there was no way he was not going. And so the compromise was the knights. He at lest got to take the ones he trusted most.

He had word from Gaius that Merlin had settled on the edge of Camelot, not far from the border to Cenred’s kingdom to allow his mother to visit.

This meant a longer trip. They set up camp the first night before they would have to trek through the mountains between them and the border of Cenred’s kingdom.

The itch of Merlin’s absence had become more of a burn. Knowing he was close to seeing his dark haired companion had him feeling so on edge he did not sleep a wink.

With the sun barely peeking over the horizon they set of again. The mountain trek was a slow as Arthur remembered.

Finally they were out the other side and into the Forest of Ascetir. Gaius’ instructions became a little vague from here. The letters came whenever Merlin ventured to Ealdor. He was a little unclear of where in the forest of Ascetir Merlin’s cabin actually was.

This meant they spread out as they ventured closer to the Camelot border to search for the cabin.

It’s Arthur himself who comes across it first. Well, not actually the cabin. But in one particularly dense part of the forest, he sees a sort of path carved with flowers lining it. The kind not made naturally.

Acting on instinct, Arthur follows the path, through a canopy of leaves, and out the other side right into view of a small, cosy looking cabin. It seemed to hum gently. The house and the surrounding, carefully tended, garden. Magic. Arthur had never felt it clinging so much to one area that wasn’t an ancient magic site

Arthur feels his heart almost beating out of his chest as he slowly walks closer. He’s almost through the branches that had blocked the house, when a figure emerges from the front door.

Merlin.

He looks different. Softer than Arthur has ever seen him. His hair is longer, brushing his collar. The dark tresses are curlier than Arthur realised. A strong wave that was never obvious in his shorter hair. Merlin has also grown a short beard, beyond stubble. It’s impressively full considering Arthur always felt Merlin was so much younger than him.

He’s wearing a soft billowy red shirt and grey trousers with soft looking brown boots on his feet. The shirt looks a little like the one Arthur had given him not so long ago. It looks different on Merlin now. Clearly the upkeep on his new home is going good things as he looks even more toned than when he left Camelot. Strong arms and chest obvious in the shirt. It’s unlaced at the chest and his neckerchief is noticeably absent.

All together, Arthur feels like his heart has stopped. It’s partially at just seeing Merlin again. Partially at how damned attractive Merlin looks like this.

Arthur watches as Merlin tends to his garden, too scared to make a sound.

Merlin’s magic must sense a new person as one moment Merlin is bent over one of his patches of herbs, the next his eyes lock with Arthur’s.

Arthur has forgotten in these four months, just how easy it is to get lost in the grey-blue eyes. He remembers now that given the opportunity, he would happily dive into those eyes and remain in them forever.

His Merlin.

When he finally comes back to himself he is grinning and crossing the distance is large steps, carrying himself closer to the man he adores.

Merlin meets him halfway, leaping into his arms.

Arthur’s arms wrap tightly around Merlin’s waist and Merlin’s arms go tight around his neck and shoulders as Merlin’s face buries in Arthur’s neck.

“Oh Merlin. My Merlin.” Arthur mumbles, pressing his face into Merlin’s hair.

It’s so soft. He promises himself that before too long he will run his fingers through it.

“My King.” The words that Arthur can feel pressed into his neck sound chocked up.

Arthur clutches Merlin even closer.

They remain embraced fort a long time more. When they finally let go of each-other, they do not stray far. Merlin invites him inside and makes them both tea then they both sit at Merlin’s little dining table.

The house is very Merlin. All warmth and bright colours and bright flowers in vases spread all over the place. There’s books and papers scattered around the place. It’s so Merlin it almost brings tears to Arthur’s eyes at being so surrounded by him.

“This place is beautiful.” Arthur says once they’ve settled.

“I’m glad it meets your royal standards. It’s mine, which I guess is all I really wanted.” Merlin shrugs, not really meeting Arthur’s eye.

There’s a beat of silence. It feels tight in Arthur’s throat.

“Why did you leave me?” The words seem to fall out and etch themselves into the tension filled air between them. Arthur had planned what he would say when he found Merlin. All the things they would talk about. All he would do to convince Merlin to come back. But this, this question comes from somewhere deep.

It looks a little like he punched Merlin with the words.

“I never left you Arthur. Not really. I left Camelot.” Merlin’s words sound tight. His face looks incredibly sad.

“I am Camelot.” Is all Arthur can think to say.

“It was never about leaving you. I would be with you until my dying breath if I had it my way. I left the side glances people gave me. The fear they looked at me with when they knew my magic. The betrayal of the knights when they discovered it. The distancing. I had to get away from battles I could not fight.” Merlin’s eyes are full of pain. His body seems to be almost caving in on itself.

“I never wanted people to react that way. I never wanted you to feel alone. And more than anything, I never wanted you to feel like you had to run away from us. Gwaine told me about your letter. About feeling like you no longer belonged with us. I cannot speak for everyone in Camelot. I cannot even speak for the knights. But I know where you belong. I know where your place in the world is. It’s by my side. You always have a place with me. These last four months have been torture without you Merlin. I can’t fathom the idea of my life without you in it.” As he speaks, Arthur reaches out across the table and takes both of Merlin’s hands tightly in his.

“Things can never be the same though. You were right, everything has changed. We cannot go back to what we were.” Merlin finally meets his eyes, a tear rolls its way down his face. Arthur lifts one of their joined hands and brushes it away with his knuckle. Merlin’s eyes close at the feeling.

“I do not want them to be the same. I’ve learned a lot about myself in the last few months. And a lot about how I feel about you. I don’t want you to come back to Camelot and be my servant. You are so much more than that now. I do not want you to have to do things for me because it is your job anymore. I want to give you a place in Camelot that you deserve. You have saved my life over and over again. And never once did you ask for anything in return. All you have done for me Merlin. All these things I can never repay. I pushed you away all those months ago because all at once it struck me how much you had done for me, and how poorly I had treated you. And how everything I feel for you, goes so far beyond how a king should care for his servant.” He’s probably making no sense, but there’s so much Arthur has to say to Merlin. So much he needs him to understand.

“Then what am I coming back to? My place in Camelot came from becoming your servant. Came from protecting you. Who am I if I am not your servant?” Merlin’s voice sounds desperate, and his hands have a vice like grip on Merlin’s.

“You are my closest friend. You are my loyal companion. You are my Merlin. The man I love.” Arthur makes deliberate eye contact when he says this, wanting to gauge Merlin’s reaction.

“Don’t say that.” Merlin’s words should sound strong, but they come out weak.

“I have to because it’s the truth. That is why you have a place in Camelot. Because you are my whole world.” Arthur strokes Merlin’s hand with his thumb.

“Don’t say that if you don’t mean it. You are married Arthur. You can’t just say that and not think of the cost. I can live with my love for you. I have for years now. For years I have yearned for you, in secrecy and silence. I cannot have you lie about this. But I also cannot have your love in secret. Have only a piece of it while your Queen gets to be loved out loud. I want to be loved loud.” The tears falling down Merlin’s cheeks are free flowing now.

“Merlin. My dearest Merlin. You love me? Then that is enough. Gwen and I have separated. She has always loved Lancelot. And I have always loved you. So, when you come back, I will be officially courting you. You will be given your own actual quarters. You will finish your training with Gaius and be a physician. And when I finish with the magic laws, you will be the court sorcerer. You will be loved loud. As loud as I can possibly love you. Everyone will know who owns the heart of Camelot’s king. So, I am asking you, begging you. Merlin, love of my life, keeper of my heart, other half of my soul, centre of my universe, will you return home with you and remain by my side for the remainder of our lives?” Arthur pulls his chair around until he is directly in front of Merlin with their knees pressed together and their hands still clutching each-other.

“Very well then clotpole. Arthur Pendragon, King of Camelot, my soul. I will return to Camelot with you. Because I love you very much, and I cannot bear to be apart from you anymore.” Merlin is smiling now, tears of sadness turning to tears of joy.

Arthur is crying too when he wraps Merlin in his arms again.

Slowly Merlin packs the essentials for the journey. Arthur promises to send someone to collect everything else he would like to take back with him.

When they leave Merlin’s cabin, the knights are sprawled out on the grass around the house, clearly waiting for them.

Gwaine is up the fastest, running over to pull Merlin into his arms. They speak quietly to each-other then step back in time for Lancelot to pull Merlin in. One by one the knights embrace Merlin. All seeming to offer words of joy at seeing him again and their excitement for him to come back.

They saddle up their horses once more, Merlin bringing his as well. Arthur helps Merlin onto his horse and glances around to see all of the knights openly grinning at him at the display of affection.

The ride home is peaceful. Idle chatter. A group of close friends reunited at last.

“Can I just say Merlin, on behalf of all the knights, we are so pleased you will be returning to Camelot. Our King here has been very difficult to deal with in your absence. He really does need you.” Leon pipes up at one point. All the knights shout their agreement and Merlin blushes but grins.

Arthur’s heart feels incredibly full.

The return to Camelot is just as joyous. All celebrate Merlin’s return. Gaius in particular wraps Merlin into a long hug. Gwen lectures him then hugs him tight.

They settle into new rhythms. Merlin assists Gaius part time and assists Arthur with the magic reform part time as well. They come to a decision that most of what Merlin now wants to use his magic for is healing so he will combine the roles of court physician and court sorcerer when Gaius decides to retire, until then he will be only court sorcerer.

And Arthur loves Merlin loud. Takes him for rides and picnics and spends pretty much every free moment with him. It’s only a few weeks before Arthur gets down on one knee beside the lake of Avalon. Asks Merlin to marry him in the place where their new life began.

Arthur loves Merlin loud for every moment of the rest of their lives.

And Merlin always has a place, right by Arthur’s side, forever.