Work Text:
It’s so quiet in my room.
Flowers wilting ‘cause you’ve gone so soon.
Falling slowly from your cocoon,
Did you feel it – your coming doom?
2/2/20XX + 1
Ren sat on a windowsill, overlooking the fields outside. It was raining today. Of course, it was. He’d just come home from school, throwing himself into his work and even working ahead just so he could avoid a moment like this.
A moment of silence. An environment where his mind can wander. A pang of homesickness ran through him as he looked out into the distance. Back in Tokyo, there’d always be someone he could pass the time with – always someone to talk to. He could’ve gone through the underground mall with Ann, visit the ramen shops with Ryuji and Yusuke, go around the coffee shops with Haru, walk the streets of Kichijoji with…
Ren shook his head.
Now, all he has is Morgana and a wish to return. His parents were consistently gone for work, the tension never completely dissolving between the three of them. It’s strange being in an environment that should feel like home but instead feels so foreign.
A creak of the door signaled Mona’s arrival, who jumped up to sit on his lap. He silently stretched himself up to Ren, giving him a rare opportunity to pet him. Ren obliged, letting the silky fur and soft purrs distract him momentarily as he spaced out again. It wasn’t until he felt Mona suddenly shake himself out of his arms with an alarmed squeak that he was brought back to reality.
“Ren,” Mona sat down in front of him again, wiping the top of his head with his paw before looking back up. “You’re crying,” he pointed out, his voice laced with sympathy.
Lifting a hand to his face, he wiped at his cheek, coming back with a wet sheen of teardrops. Forcing a smile, he ruffles Mona’s head. “Sorry about that,” he apologized.
Mona’s frown deepened. “Ren, it’s been a year,” he said, his tone gentle and coaxing like he was talking to a newborn child.
“I know.”
“You can’t be like this forever.”
“I know that.”
“Crow wouldn’t want-”
“Well, he’s not here right now, is he?” Ren snapped, his voice breaking at the end. He set Morgana down and pushed himself off the windowsill. “Crow is gone. Goro is dead.”
“It’s possible that he could be alive, though!” Mona retorted, his tail lashing behind him. “Didn’t you say you noticed his coat while we left?”
“Tan coats are everywhere, Mona,” Ren responded dryly. “I just… need to get myself together.”
He ran his blue eyes over him, concerned. “You don’t have to pretend that you’re okay, you know,” Mona pressed. Every muscle in Ren’s body stiffened at that comment, yet he continued talking. “You knew him better than all of us combined. You became really close.”
Stop.
“It’s understandable that you took a hard hit from this, especially since you saw him at the station.”
Stop it. Ren’s hand behind his back clenched into a fist, nails digging into his palm.
“You may have been our leader, but you’re human too. And I'm sure everyone back home would also want you to-”
“Would you just drop it, already?” Ren pleaded, eyes burning with newfound tears. The clenched hand from earlier hung limp by his side, the pain still lingering. “That wasn’t him, Mona. It couldn’t have been him. I won’t let myself believe that.”
“Why?” Mona’s voice rang through the room. “Don’t you want him to be alive again?”
Ren fell silent, his eyes darkening.
“Ren?” he nudged him gently. “What’s wrong?”
“The last time he came back to life, he was dangled in front of me like a bargaining chip,” Ren relented to the questioning. “It was either stay with him in the fake reality or let him die again... and we both know what we chose,” he avoided Morgana’s gaze, setting it onto his nightstand, where Goro’s glove rested.
“Of course, I want him to be alive,” he whispered before turning back to his companion. “But that’s also why I can’t let myself think he is.”
Mona guided him to sit down on his bed before he could continue, settling himself down next to him.
“I won’t know if he’s here for good. I won’t know if someone is fucking with my mind again or if some god is setting us up. Maybe it was a trick of my own mind that day,” Ren continued, lifting his head up to the ceiling and closing his eyes. “And if he is alive... I want him to come to me, rather than the other way around. It’s the least I can do for him.”
“Ren...” Mona rested a paw on his leg tentatively, about to say something, but noticed his expression. His eyes were dull, spaced out. He probably wouldn’t even hear what he’d say. That was the most he’ll get out of Ren today. “Do you want to be alone right now?” Mona asked instead.
Ren ran a hand down his face, sighing. “I think so,” he responds. “Sorry,” he adds as an afterthought.
Two heartbeats, and then a nod in understanding. “I’ll be downstairs if you need me,” Mona called before slinking out of the bedroom. Letting out another sigh, Ren let himself fall unceremoniously onto the bed before pulling out the glove from his nightstand. He absentmindedly ran his fingers over the leather, letting the texture take him back to a time where it wasn’t so lonely.
It’s the anniversary of the worst night of his life.
He’s away from home.
And the one person who could truly see him for who he was is gone.
As he listened to the rain, he couldn’t help but think the sky was crying with him.
When he is eventually lulled to sleep, it’s fitful and wracked with nightmares of a plan gone wrong.
His heart has never felt so empty, and the bed has never felt so cold.
It’s so cold here without you
In the city, like an empty tomb.
I can’t let go of you too soon.
Your heart left with some of mine too.
2/2/20XX + 2
Another year has passed, and Ren would be lying if he said this day didn’t hurt as much as before. Luckily, he’s at least back in Tokyo, having gotten a dorm at his university and officially moving out of his childhood home. His parents were all too happy to let him move out, and Sojiro even more so to welcome him with open arms once he returned, even giving him a part-time job at Leblanc.
Today, Ren, and by extension, Morgana, are with Ann, Futaba, Makoto, and Haru in Leblanc for a rare opportunity to reconnect. At least, that’s what the message said when they organized this in the group chat.
Ren glanced at each one of the girls in front of him, unimpressed. Makoto was shifting in her seat, Ann and Futaba were studying him intently, and Haru was… he actually wasn’t sure. She was mostly just sitting with a faraway look on her face, like she wasn’t completely present. Sojiro brought over the last cups of coffee, an eyebrow raised at the silence.
Ren closed his eyes for a couple moments, taking deep breaths to compose himself. “I’m fine right now, really,” he sighs, drawing everyone’s attention to him. That only seemed to make things worse, their frowns becoming more prominent and their gazes more sympathetic.
“We’re just worried about you,” Haru interjected, folding her hands over the table. “Putting my own thoughts aside, it’s undeniable how close you two were. We can’t bear to leave you alone on a day like this.”
“Haru’s right,” Ann nodded. “You’ve helped all of us so much in the past. Let us help you this time around too.” Everyone else at the table echoed their agreement.
Futaba nudged his side from where she sat next to him. “It might be possible that he lived. If you want, I can go search around for him,” she offered, curling her legs up to her chest.
Ren’s throat closed up a little trying to banish that feeling of hope from his mind. “It’s okay, ‘Taba,” he shook his head, his throat dry. “It’s probably not very likely he’s still around.”
“But-”
“And if he is,” he continued. “He’ll let me know when he’s ready, if at all,” he said shakily, reigning himself in with a sip of coffee. A tense silence fell over the table again, and Ren had never wanted to hide more.
“I know how it feels to lose someone you love,” Makoto breaks the silence. “It might not be the same, considering mine was with my father and all, but that grief is still there even after all these years. And I know how hard it is to be isolated on the day it occurred,” she met his gaze calmly. “I’m just saying you don’t have to pretend everything is okay.”
Ren barely processed her words; his brain having malfunctioned halfway through. “Love?” was his eventual response, looking back up to see their bewildered gazes. “What?”
“What happened on that night two years ago?” Ann leaned forward. “We all saw how you two looked at each other in that safe room and held hands. You even stayed back with him while we went up the elevator.”
Ren’s face burned as he remembered that night. “Nothing much happened that night,” he admitted. “We just slept in the same bed.”
“That’s it?” Futaba interjected, disbelieving.
“And we kissed a couple times.”
A series of gasps left everyone at the table. Even Sojiro stopped whatever he was doing to listen in.
“Ok, let me get this straight,” Ann said steadily. “So, you two slept in the same bed.”
“Yes.”
“And you kissed. Multiple times.”
“Yeah?”
“And you were holding hands the day after when we were about to fight our school therapist-turned-god.”
“Don’t forget the weeks straight of invites to Jazz Jin and Penguin Sniper every single night!” Mona added from where he was perched on Ann’s lap.
Makoto looked at him incredulously. “You did what ?”
“He flunked so many games just trying to get a Triple 20 to impress him,” Mona wrinkled his nose in distaste. “It was a very sad sight.”
“See? Is that not love right there?” Ann gestured forward with her hands as if presenting him with irrefutable evidence.
The gears in Ren’s brain began working in overdrive. “But…” he started.
“There’s a ‘but’?”
“I never told him,” Ren hung his head, defeated. “He wouldn’t let me.”
“That doesn’t make your feelings any less true, though,” Haru countered.
Ren smiled bitterly. “I suppose not, but it doesn’t matter much if he is no longer here, right?” Before anyone else could say anything, he spoke again. “Can we talk about something else?”
Immediately, Makoto started a conversation about everyone’s current plans for their schooling, asking about classes and programs everyone is planning on doing. Ann will be traveling abroad soon, going to Paris to continue her studies on fashion design, while Haru will continue working on taking over the family business and starting her coffee shop. Futaba’s continuing her time at Shujin as a second year and Makoto is steadily working her way through the police academy.
“If there’s anything I can do to help people and ensure they are fairly treated, I must at the very least try,” she had explained.
Ren happily took a backseat during the conversation, content to just listen and let everything else fade into the background. When they inquired him about his own plans, he just shrugged. He still hasn’t declared a major to focus his classes on, so he’s just exploring random topics. When the group eventually left Leblanc, Ren let out an involuntary sigh of relief.
“Hey, kid,” Sojiro called from the counter. Ren looked up to meet his pensive gaze, deep in thought. From the corner of his eye, Mona leapt onto a chair and glanced between them curiously.
Ren knew that expression. He’d seen it multiple times in the past couple years. “Yeah?” he replied unsteadily. Sojiro pushed a cup of coffee to the counter, gesturing for him to sit. He closed his eyes as he took a sip, letting the familiar taste wash over him before pausing. This flavor…
Ren could recognize it anywhere.
“After you returned to your hometown, I was cleaning out the shelves when I came across this blend of beans,” Sojiro started. “I knew I didn’t make it, so it must’ve been you. And as far as I know, you’ve never used anything out of the ordinary for your group of friends.” Ren’s breathing quickened, pointedly staring into the cup.
“I was just experimenting one day. It’s nothing more than that,” Ren mumbled, hoping he’d drop it.
Sojiro looked at him and the half full container quizzically, but continued. “Later, I brewed myself a cup, and that’s when it hit me.”
Please…
“The café tends to carry a fragrance of whatever beans were used before it closes for the night. Sometimes I’d come in to a very specific scent, and after some thinking, they always had one thing in common.”
Don’t… Ren clenched a hand under the table, hiding it with his other one.
“That detective boy…”
No! Ren could feel his throat closing up, his chest starting to tighten.
“It was for him, wasn’t it?”
“I…” Ren looked at Sojiro helplessly, his eyes widened as everything suddenly became too much. The mix of floral and nutty fragrances were too strong, fogging all his senses. The texture of the bar stool felt too jarring, and… when did it start raining? The downpour outside drowned out all other sounds.
“…Kid. Ren!” Sojiro rushed around the counter, alarmed. Ren felt himself being turned by a hand on his shoulder and a warmth over his now trembling hands. “Damn, I didn’t think-” Sojiro awkwardly picked a fretting Mona off the counter and put him onto Ren’s lap, ignoring Mona’s yowl of surprise.
“I’m… you… breathe… me…” Sojiro’s voice flooded in and out of his senses. Ren nodded numbly anyway, letting Sojiro guide him through.
Breathe in through the nose, out through the mouth.
Scan your surroundings. Name five things you see.
The coffee, Sojiro, the counter, the fridge, and the shelves.
Three things you can feel.
Morgana, the seat below him, and his clothes.
Two things you hear.
The rain and the soft whirring of the fridge.
One thing you taste.
The lingering taste of coffee, still fragrant on his tongue. Slowly, but surely, he was able to return back to the present.
Ren let out one more long exhale before turning to Sojiro, eyes lit with curiosity. “Where did you learn all that?” he asked.
Sojiro rubbed the back of his neck sheepishly. “I did a bit of research for Futaba a while ago. I never had to use it for her, but I guess it came in handy now.” He proceeded to take a seat in the chair next to Ren, keeping his posture relaxed. “I tried not to ask about you two at the time, but it’s been what, two years now?” He gestured around in disbelief.
Ren buried his head in his arms. “Not you too,” he groaned. “I’m fine, really.”
“We’re just worried about you, Ren!” Mona protested, having gone back onto the counter to peer down at him.
Sojiro chuckled. “I don’t know what the cat said, but I agree.”
“I’ll let that slide tonight,” Mona muttered.
“In all seriousness, though,” Sojiro continued. “You… you can always talk to me if you want to,” he finished hesitantly, putting a hand on Ren’s shoulder. Ren turned his head to peek at Sojiro, who was avoiding his gaze.
A burst of warmth flooded through Ren. “Thank you,” he croaked, his throat still a bit numb from before. “I’ll keep that in mind.”
Sojiro sighed. “You know, you remind me of when I lost Wakaba,” he huffed, crossing his arms. “Suddenly, everything became so… dull. So lifeless.” He met Ren’s gaze with a twinkle in his eye. “I suppose you and your coffee for the detective is like me with the curry.”
“I learned for the best,” Ren countered, feeling his spirits lift despite the topic.
“Yeah, yeah,” Sojiro waved him off. “Did you really have to use Panama Esmeralda Geisha beans, though? Those are expensive,” he shook his head with a sigh.
Ren shrugged sheepishly. “At least it wasn’t the Kopi Luwak beans?”
He waved Ren off before changing the subject. “Yeah, yeah. For what it’s worth, though, I think you had the upper hand of ah… having your feelings reciprocated.”
“Huh?”
“What?” Sojiro scoffed. “It was as clear as day. What was it you came home saying that one time? ‘Honey, I’m home’?”
“Boss, please…” Ren hid his flushed cheeks in his arms again.
A knowing smile split Sojiro’s face. “Alright, alright,” he relented, brushing off his hands as he got up. “It’s getting late. Lock up and get some rest, will you?” Sojiro grabbed his hat, putting it on. Ren nodded, waving a goodbye. The attic is still the same, so on late nights, he’d often stay at Leblanc rather than go back to his dorm. Once the door clicked shut, he leaned back in the chair, taking a deep breath in.
“How are you feeling?” Mona asked, nudging his hand.
Ren pulled himself back up, grabbing the forgotten cup of coffee. “Better,” he admitted. “Not good, but… I guess that’ll just take time,” he added bitterly.
Mona wrinkled his nose. “You’re still going to drink the coffee? It’s definitely cold by now.”
Ren ignored Mona as he took another sip. He closed his eyes for a moment, relishing the familiar aroma.
Goro would definitely have some words to say about this behavior , Ren smiled to himself. Probably not very nice ones either.
This year, when he eventually sleeps, it goes a little better than last year.
There’s still a piece missing… but it’s better.
Sitting in the dark, so quiet.
2am, it’s past midnight.
Counting ‘til the morning light,
I turn it back just one more time.
2/2/20XX + 3
“ Long time no see,” a voice called from the door.
Ren snapped his head up, meeting eyes he never thought he’d see again. “Goro,” he whispered. Frozen by the counter, he could only watch as Goro slipped his way into his usual seat, folding his hands politely on the table.
“Apologies for the delay. There were... things I had to take care of,” he said nonchalantly, his gaze inquisitive as he scanned Ren. “You haven’t changed at all.”
He... he was...
Goro is here...
A hand waved in front of his face, forcing him out of his stupor. “Earth to Ren Amamiya. Are you alright?”
No, he isn’t. His brain feels like it has been sent into overdrive and he can barely keep himself standing. Instead of voicing those thoughts, he simply nods, clearing his throat. “Let me make you some coffee.” Ren grabbed his blend from the top of the cupboard, relying on muscle memory to brew the coffee. His gaze flitted to and from Goro, anticipation running through his veins.
A couple tantalizing minutes later, a fresh cup of coffee sat in front of Goro. Unsure what to do with himself, Ren folded his hands in front of him awkwardly as he took the first sip. He watched as Goro’s eyes closed, waiting for him to say something, anything.
“Ren,” Goro spoke up, setting the cup down.
He perked up immediately. “Yeah?”
Goro looked up in Ren’s eyes, finally making direct eye contact with him. “Why did you accept Maruki’s deal?”
Time seemed to have frozen at that moment, the lights suddenly getting brighter. Ren took a step backwards, surprised. “What do you mean? I didn’t take his offer.” he replied confused. “After all, you...” Ren put a hand up to his chin. He’s... what?
Goro tsked from where he sat. “So, you even let yourself be brainwashed,” he drawled.
But he’s...
“I expected better from you, Joker,” he rose from his chair, grabbing his coat. “Not only did you trap me here, but you’ve also completely trapped yourself too.”
“But you’re gone!” Ren’s desperate tone cut through the café. “I didn’t take the offer. I don’t know what’s happening,” he tugged at his hair, only to feel no sensation at all. He tugged again. Same feeling. He could feel Goro’s eyes on him as he proceeded to pinch himself too. "Goro,” Ren called weakly, meeting his stony gaze.
“What?”
“Is this a dream?”
Goro smiled.
And Ren woke up.
“Ann...” Ren begged, slumped behind his cocktail and pushing his laptop towards her. “Please help.” They were at Crossroads, with Ryuji tagging along as well. Mona decided to stay with Futaba tonight, citing that “it’s too stuffy and gross in that place.” The dim lighting and jazz music playing from the speakers did wonders for his mind.
Ann sighed, setting her glass down. “Alright, let’s see,” she folded her hands together as she read his assignment aloud.
Final Assignment: Create an original composition of any selected genre using the skills learned throughout the course surrounding a single concept (ex. a feeling, object, action).
Your rubric will be self-picked using 3 out of the following options:
Instrumentation, structure, genre, melodic pattern, chord progression, lyricism
“Bro... why did you even take this class?” Ryuji’s expression was skewed with confusion. “I don’t know what any of this means.”
“I thought it sounded cool and I needed another elective,” Ren sighed.
“But this doesn’t seem too bad,” Ann observed, looking at Ren. “What’s the problem? Before you would complain that the assignments were too specific.”
Ren pouted. “Yeah, well, now there’s too little being specified.” He buried his face in his arms. “I don’t know what to write.”
“And when is this due?”
“Two weeks from now.”
“And when was this assigned?”
“...two weeks ago.”
“Ren!” Ann chided, slapping him on the back.
“I don’t know what to write, okay?” Ren bemoaned, weakly batting her arm away. The buzz of alcohol was starting to affect him, his movements and words slightly slurring.
Ann rested her chin on a finger, pensive. “What about flowers? There are tons of meanings with those!”
“Overdone.”
“Okay, what about night and day?”
“Cliche.”
Ann scratched her head. “You can... write a love song!” she suggested, sitting up straight.
Ren looked up at her with an eyebrow raised, unimpressed. Ann winced. “Okay, so maybe not-”
“Yo, check this out!” Ryuji interrupted her, reaching past Ann to shove his phone in Ren’s face. “A whole article on metaphors in writing!”
Ren took the phone, absentmindedly skimming through. Trains, sun and moon, flowers... he’s about to give it back until he saw a suggestion he wasn’t expecting. Butterflies? After reading the brief description, he looks up the specifics on his laptop, handing the phone back to Ryuji.
“Many get a butterfly to symbolize transformation, beauty, rebirth, hope, freedom, endurance, and love. Butterfly tattoos can be powerful personal reminders of change or loved ones.” [1]
“From egg to larva, to leaving the safety of the cocoon and emerging as a butterfly in her unfurling glory, the transformation that takes place almost before our eyes symbolically represents hope and new beginnings.” [2]
“In Japanese culture […] they are closely linked with recently departed spirits.” [3]
“Hey, Ann...” Ren prodded her, the edges of his lips twitching upward at her knowing look. “Looks like it’ll be a love song, after all.”
“Hey, what about the butterflies?” Ryuji said in dismay.
“There will be butterflies too,” Ren winked.
“Are you sure?” Ann asked hesitantly.
Ren fell silent. It's been three years without him now. Does he really want to do this? He swirled his drink as he contemplated. “I had that dream again, Ann,” he smiled bitterly, avoiding her gaze.
“Ren...” Ann rested a hand on his shoulder, peering around to look at him. Next to her, even Ryuji grew silent and straightened up, knowing exactly what dream it was.
“It was in the café this time around,” Ren fixed his gaze on the shimmering red liquid in front of him, wanting to drown himself in the sight. “The kind with Maruki’s reality.”
Ryuji groaned. “That again? I swear, him holding ‘kechi above your head the entire time was such a dick move.”
Ann elbowed him in the side. “Ryuji!” she scolded.
“No, no, he’s got a point,” Ren downed the rest of his drink, wiping his mouth on the back of his hand. “I’d rather have any other scenario besides him telling me I took the deal,” he waved around his empty glass, only for Ann to pluck it out of his hand and set it securely back on the table.
Ann looked at him quizzically. “Even the interrogation?”
“Especially the interrogation,” he flashed her a lazy, suggestive grin. Looking at their unimpressed expressions, Ren quickly went back to the previous topic. “Ok, but, if I'm going to be stuck with these dreams for the rest of my life, I may as well put them to good use?” Ren forced a smile, trying to reason with them.
“Dude, how many times has it been this month?” Ryuji interjected. “You mention them like, every week.”
“Hold on, every week?” Ann asked incredulously, whipping her head to and from the men beside her. “And why was I not informed about this?”
“Because Ryuji was supposed to keep that part a secret,” Ren gritted his teeth and glared at him, watching him laugh nervously.
“Ren-”
“It’s okay, I want to do this,” he reassured her before she could get another comment in.
That glimmer of worry didn’t leave Ann’s gaze. Internally, Ren wished she couldn’t read him so well. “If you’re really sure about it,” she raised her hands up in resignation.
Ren gestured for Lala to come back over. “It’s just something I have to do... but only after another drink.” He winked back at Ann.
Okay, so maybe that extra drink was a bad idea. Or rather, those extra five drinks.
Because now he is too emotionally loose, back at his dorm by himself (but not after being dragged back by Ann and Ryuji), and typing out lyrics for his song while fiddling with an old leather glove. A dangerous combination, if you ask him.
The only solace he has is that no one can see the tears falling one by one as he reminisced.
It started with a simple melody on the ride back, urging himself to remember the tune as he rested on someone’s shoulder in his drunken stupor. Then, it turned into a series of stanzas, poetic and rhythmic.
In a way, it’s a little strange. All he needed to do was think of Goro and the words flowed naturally. It was probably the most therapeutic experience he ever had in his life.
Not that he had a very high standard, of course.
The song ended up very long, painting out the years without him, the little time spent with him, and all of Ren’s dreams.
The last two weeks before the deadline flew by quickly, with Ren spending whatever free time he had on that song. The instrumentals and an outline for the melody were done and it was pretty much ready to be turned in. He could forget this project and let it fade into the past. However, something kept him from doing so.
"Maybe if I just...”
Metamorphosing
To end a life and start another
So, in our final moments, won’t you tell me
If you have thought of me like how I thought of you?
2/2/20XX + 4
“Here’s the debrief to the case you wanted, Nijima-san,” Goro placed the files on her desk. “I’ve sorted out the most prevalent evidence in the file, along with the applicable precedents. If you need more, I made additional notes to relevant cases in the database.”
Sae looked up from her laptop groggily. “Thanks, Akechi-kun. This is a difficult case,” she thanked him curtly.
“Obstruction of evidence, destroying classified documents, along with defamation… it’s indeed a precarious situation,” Goro rubbed the area between his brows wearily. He’d spent the last two days compiling the file on that desk. “Unless you require anything else, I’ll be going back to my desk.” Goro was about to turn and leave before she called him back.
“Actually, before you go, there’s something I’d like to speak to you about.”
Goro turned back around, curious. “What is it? Is something wrong?”
She shook her head. “Not exactly, no. It’s just something that’s been on my mind for a while.”
Goro raised an eyebrow in response, his eyes narrowing into slits. “If this is about what I think it is,” his voice gained a sharper edge. “Then I'll be taking my leave.”
“It’s been four years, Akechi-kun.”
“I fail to see the point you’re trying to make,” Goro crossed his arms, holding a defensive stance.
“You haven’t contacted anyone since you got out of the rehabilitation center,” Sae argued, mirroring his body language. “If it weren’t for me running into you on the way out, I’m sure you wouldn’t have contacted me either.”
“I wasn’t planning to, no.”
“Before Amamiya-kun left for his hometown, he asked me to look for any signs of you and inform him if I found any,” she recounted, ignoring his previous statement. “He said he saw someone who looked like you at the train station as he left,” she gestured at Goro knowingly.
Goro felt a chill run through his body, rendering him frozen. “You didn’t-”
“I didn’t tell him,” Sae reassured him. “I never told anyone. Which, by the way, is a lot harder than you think,” she sighed exasperatedly. “You went to rehab, you have a job, and you’re in therapy… what are you waiting for?”
“I’m not waiting for anything,” Goro raised his nose defiantly. “It’s better off this way.”
“But-”
“What would I say, exactly, if I were to reach out again? ‘Oh, sorry for being gone for so long – I've been in rehab for the first two years and have now been working under your friend’s older sister’s jurisdiction’?” Goro sneered. “Like that would be any good.”
“Watch your tone, now,” Sae warned him before responding, though it was more customary than anything. “On the contrary, I think Amamiya-kun would be overjoyed to hear from you,” she continued, a slight smirk tugging at her lips. After working with Goro for so long, she’s gotten used to his dramatics and hidden meanings in his words, and judging by his widened eyes, she made the right guess. “I didn’t give you that aquarium ticket for nothing,” she said, deadpanned.
“That’s absolutely preposterous,” Goro retorted, taking a step forward. “After everything I’ve done to him and...” his voice faltered for a moment. “It has been too long,” he forced out, teeth gritted.
Sae sighed, waving him off. “I can’t make you talk to him. But remember, only more time will pass. Best to do it while you still can,” she says, returning to her work and ending the conversation.
Goro stared at her blankly for a few moments before finally leaving the office. Right when the door shuts, his phone starts ringing from an unknown number. He's about to answer when he spots a familiar cat shaped logo in the corner of his screen.
He declines the call.
The call appears again.
Another decline.
Again.
Goro repressed the growl rising in his throat as he quickly headed back to his own office. This time, he tries letting the incoming call run its time out.
A minute passes, and no other call has appeared. He's about to push the event to the back of his mind when suddenly, his entire phone screen is taken over.
Goro slammed a fist onto his desk. “Damn you, Oracle,” he curses.
Alibaba:
did u rlly think that would work against me?
What do you want?
just bc u changed ur # doesn’t mean u can’t be found
I changed my number precisely because I didn’t want to be found.
Now, leave me alone.
No can do.
Goro gritted his teeth.
You weren’t supposed to look for me.
Why are you doing this?
He waited impatiently for a reply, intently watching the series of dots indicating an incoming message. His grip on his phone tightened.
The train station. You were there.
Goro froze. The first day he was able to temporarily leave the rehabilitation center, and subsequently, Ren’s last day in Tokyo. In a last-ditch effort to see him one last time, he went to Shibuya station, only to see his train pull away without even a glimpse of his figure.
Admittedly, it was also strange to see her type properly.
Ren thought he saw your coat as the train left
No. This can’t be happening.
Tan coats exist everywhere, Sakura-chan.
I can’t be the only one with that coat.
That’s exactly what Ren said ╮(╯▽╰)╭
And how did you know it was a tan coat?
Kinda sus, bro
Goro glanced at his phone and then to the window.
Throw away the phone, and I’ll find another way to haunt you ψ(｀∇´)ψ
Checkmate, beech 凸^-^凸
How did she-
Goro searched his office before remembering the camera in the corner of his room. His shoulders slumped in defeat.
of fucking course you’re in the cameras.
ooh, the Goro Akechi pulled out the lowercase!
whatever shall I do? ヽ(´o｀；
His blood began to boil.
Did Joker ask you to look for me?
It was him, wasn’t it?
That stupid, sentimental piece of shit couldn’t handle my absence?
Is that why you’re doing this?
actually… he asked me to not look for you
What. Goro’s eyes widened in bewilderment.
Why?
it’s not for me to tell
He wished the earth would swallow him up whole.
Why are you doing this, then?
You have every right to want me dead and out of your life.
i know
but I don’t want to continue hating
in the end, it was Shido who ordered her death
either way, I’ve known you were alive for the past couple years
i dug around not long after ren returned to tokyo
he still doesn’t know
Goro watched the messages enter one by one, completely perplexed. How is she so calm about this? He shifted his weight from where he was standing, attempting to compose himself.
I suppose I should thank you for not revealing my existence, then.
You still haven’t answered my question.
it’s been four years and you haven’t contacted him
i saw the last night through the security cameras in the café
and that time in the safe room
and the time before we went up
i want to know why you’ve been hiding this entire time
Why has he been hiding? He finally allowed himself to sit down as he thought of a response, knowing Sakura was still watching through the camera. An obvious approach would be to brush it off, feign any intention. But who knows how long it’ll take before she tries to coax another answer out of him.
Probably not very long, actually.
Throughout the years, he thought he kept a rather low profile, asking Sae to include him under an alias in the company’s database as her legal assistant, changing his number and all other contact information, moving apartments… he thought it would be good enough to at least avoid suspicion.
That day at the station was supposed to be the one time he’d see Ren again. It’s better to stay out of his life this time around, after all. He’d live his life, Ren would live his, and everything would work out with nothing between them interfering.
That’s what Goro told himself, anyway. He settled for an indifferent response. He should end this as soon as he can.
I have my reasons.
Now, leave me alone.
are you really avoiding him for the rest of your life?
That was the plan, yes
I wouldn’t be surprised if he moved on by now.
that’s a shame
he never stopped thinking of you
Goro’s breath hitched, his eyes widening with every message.
every year, this day is the same
he tries to be present, but it’s obvious he’s still mourning you
the day after he got out of juvie, he searched everywhere for you
found nothing
three years ago, Mona told me he holed himself up in his room and cried himself to sleep
two years ago, we tried talking to him, but he kept insisting he was fine
i saw him break down later that night
last year, he got drunk out of his mind and could barely walk
ann and ryuji had to walk him back to his dorm and get him settled in
i don’t know what today will be like, but it most likely won’t be pretty
Tell me, Akechi. Are you going to keep avoiding him?
Whatever spark of uncertainty he had about his decision turned into a flame. His heart wanted to reach out, relentless in its want, but every single bone in his body pulled him away.
It’s too big of a risk.
It won’t be worth it.
Goro doesn’t deserve this.
Ren… deserves better than him.
But you want it too, a voice in his head surmises.
Hands shaking, Goro types out his response.
Next year.
I’ll see him next year.
The chat room closes, and only the twisted feeling in his gut remains.
He’s… going to see Ren again. Next year.
Walking through the door one day,
Shining bright in every way.
You’d take a breath and then you’d say,
“Apologies for the delay.”
2/2/20XX + 5
For the first time this year, Ren decided to take a day off his classes, opting to just go through the lectures after they are posted. Today, he chose to help out Sojiro in the café.
Working in the café has always been a relaxing job for him, watching the regulars enter, going through the memorized dance of brewing the coffee and serving curry. The monotony was familiar, and the activity distracted his mind.
The café had been empty for the past few minutes, and Ren was just about to put away a cup when the chime rang at the door. “Welcome-” his voice cut off abruptly as he fumbled the cup, not believing his eyes. “Goro?” he breathed, his heart rate quickening as he watched the former detective take his usual spot, three seats from the left.
“Long time no see,” Goro greeted him, but Ren barely registered that comment.
“You’re...”
“Alive?” he smirked, the corners of his mouth just visible over his scarf. It contorts into a smile as he pulls it off to hang on his chair. “I guess I am.”
There’s no way this is real.
Bewildered, he nudged Sojiro who looked up from the dishes. “Boss, you’re seeing his too, right?” he asked hesitantly, almost reluctant to believe the sight in front of him.
Sojiro squinted at Goro, who was desperately attempting to keep his polite mask on. “Well, I’ll be...”
“I’m not dreaming, right?” Ren heard the bits of a stifled scoff from Goro.
Sojiro blinked, as if confirming it for himself too. “I don’t think so, kid.”
Ren took a deep breath. “Cool, cool.”
Within the next moment, Ren had vanished to the attic.
Goro watched in bewilderment as a muffled scream rang from upstairs, followed by a loud thump. He turned to Sojiro, who stared towards the attic with more exasperation in his expression than anything else. “Um, should I be concerned?” Goro broke the silence, fidgeting with his gloves as his mind went haywire.
Maybe coming here was a bad idea.
Sojiro waved him off, turning back to him. “Nah, he’ll be fine. Just give him a few minutes.”
Goro blinked. “I’m surprised you’re so nonchalant about me coming back from the dead.”
He huffed out a laugh, straightening his apron. “Yeah, well, I also have a talking cat I can’t understand, and my children supposedly fought two gods. I'm too old to question anything anymore,” Sojiro sent Goro a sly smirk.
“Morgana is with you?” Goro raised an eyebrow. “I thought he’d still carry the cat around everywhere.”
“Oh, he certainly tried to,” Sojiro chuckled, propping a hand on his hip as he recounted his tale. “His dorm didn't allow pets, yet he still tried to smuggle him in. Got busted within two months. Even though he has an apartment now, the cat likes to come and go between our homes.”
“Boss!” a weak protest sounded from the attic.
Goro felt the tug of a smirk on his lips, resting his elbows on his counter and leaning forward. “Oh, do tell me more,” he said.
“Don’t tell him more!” the voice sounded again.
Sojiro shook his head, fondness glimmering through his glasses. “Alright, Ren. Pull yourself together and come down now. I'm going out for groceries.” He grabbed his hat before leaving, patting Goro on the back as he left. “It’s good to see you back, kid.”
By the time Goro came up with a response, he was gone. Which now leaves him alone with Ren, who he hasn’t seen in just about five years.
Speaking of Ren, what the hell was he doing up there-
The sound of footsteps broke him out of his thoughts. Goro raised a hand in greeting again, but quickly froze afterward. Ren's head was tilted down, his hands clenched in fists as he walked over. He could only watch in alarm as his chair was grabbed and spun around, and then caged in between Ren’s arms in the next second.
“What the f-”
“Tell me this is real,” Ren begged, his gaze still set towards the ground and his hair hiding his expression. “Tell me you’re here for good.”
Goro's throat suddenly felt dry as he realized Ren’s thoughts of the situation. “You still think this is a dream,” he replied incredulously, crossing his arms in front of him.
“Tell me. This. Is. Real.” his voice grew harder, strained at the edges. Something wet falls onto Goro’s hand, and he flitted his gaze back up to Ren’s downcast one. Slowly, Goro removed his gloves and with a gentle touch, he lifted his head to look at him, revealing a flushed Ren with more tears welling up in his eyes.
A soft exhale escaped from Goro’s lips as he took in the sight before him. “You sentimental idiot,” he murmured, reaching up to wipe his tears away. “I’m here,” he reassured Ren, his thumb tenderly stroking his cheek and warmth blossoming beneath his fingertips. “I’m real.”
“And that time at the train station?”
“…That was real, too.”
Ren immediately broke down into a sob, and Goro felt the air rush out of him as he was suddenly pulled close, arms wrapped around him and a head buried in his shoulder.
Unsure of what to do, Goro awkwardly patted him on the back before relaxing into his embrace, returning the gesture. He shut his eyes and inhaled, letting the familiar scent of coffee and vanilla wash over him. It seems he had missed this too.
When they finally separated, Ren excused himself, rushing to the bathroom while wiping his eyes. It was at this moment when Goro realized the gravity of this situation. Ren is usually so composed and unreadable, always so confusing to try and study. Just now, he saw him in his most vulnerable state. Even during their last night together, Goro could tell he was putting on a mask, hiding the pain and focusing on the brief, halcyon time they had left.
Even then, he never saw Ren cry when he thought Goro was going to die. Yet now, here he was, with a dumbfounded expression cast towards the bathroom door, waiting for the culprit of his tear-stained sweatshirt to return.
He clasped his hands together on his lap to prevent himself from fidgeting as he waited, grasping onto the leather gloves. If he wasn’t nervous before about meeting Ren again, he sure is now.
Did he really miss me that much? A dangerous twinge of regret pulled at his heart. How foolish of him.
Maybe Goro is the fool too, for when Ren came back out, beaming with the brightest smile he’s seen, his red eyes the only evidence of the previous ordeal, Goro started to feel a little faint, his breath hitching.
Ren just about floated to the counter, turning to him with that contagious smile. “Alright then, Goro-” he cut himself off abruptly, a flicker of resignation tainting his gaze. “Wait, I can still call you that, right?” he asked hesitantly.
Goro raised an eyebrow. “I did give you permission, didn’t I?”
“Yeah, but-”
“It’s fine,” Goro said with finality. “I’m not about to revoke my permissions.”
Ren's eyes glimmered mischievously. “Is that so? Alright, then.” He grabbed the cup he nearly dropped earlier, setting it in front of him. “Might I interest you in a cup of coffee, Goro?” he bowed his head jokingly.
Goro scoffed lightly at his theatrics but nodded anyway. “By all means,” he gestured towards Ren.
“You know, Goro, the Boss found my blend a few years ago,” he mentioned, reaching above the cupboards to grab a container on top. “And you know what, Goro? He recognized it from just the scent!” Goro could only watch in suspicion as he floated around the kitchen, recounting his tale. Ren paused. “Well, he did also say it was because the one and only Goro Akechi was always there the night before,” he corrected himself, winking briefly at Goro.
Heaving a sigh, Goro glared at Ren. “You really want me to revoke my permissions?” he threatened. Though his words had no bite, he didn’t receive a response. When he peered over the counter, he saw Ren hard at work at completing a latte art. He was completely focused; his eyes – now unblocked by his glasses – narrowed in concentration.
Before long, a cup of coffee was placed in front of him, a perfectly made heart design in the middle. “Well, I have five years of saying your name to make up for,” Ren said softly, the corners of his lips slightly raised. Goro felt that familiar flutter in his heart reawaken as his eyes widened, mouth slightly agape.
He raised the cup to his lips, blowing the steam off the top. To think that five years later, he’d still be able to feel such a thing...
“Happy Life Roulette Day, Ren!” a shrill voice sounded inside the café as a flash of orange flew past Goro’s vision. He looked around to find Futaba standing next to him with her hands triumphantly rested on her hips. Aside from a slightly taller stature and more mature features, she seems to look exactly the same too, her wardrobe and hair having not changed. “Did you like your present?” she slapped Goro on the back, making him quickly set his cup down so nothing would spill.
Ren blinked, surprised. “You planned this?” he breathed. He looked between Goro and Futaba, the former cursing under his breath as he made sure nothing escaped from his cup.
“Only took a year, three declined calls, and a thirty-minute conversation,” Futaba haughtily replied, her hands placed triumphantly on her hips.
“You let him decline your call three times?”
“Theoretically, I only declined it twice,” Goro interjected, flicking a hand towards Futaba. “I just let the last one run its time out.”
Futaba shrugged. “I just gave him two more attempts since it was Life Roulette Day. I give you two more attempts too.”
A discontented sigh left Goro as he turned away from his drink, fixing his icy gaze on the hacker. “Life Roulette Day?” he echoed her previous statement, raising a brow at the two of them. “That’s what you call it?”
The ring of nervous laughter only increased the judgement in his stare. “It’s... not wrong, though?” Ren countered, shrugging sheepishly.
Goro rolled his eyes as he spun himself back around, reaching for his drink again. This time, he was able to drink it in peace as Futaba settled herself in with her laptop. The jasmine-like flavor mixed with a slight sweetness and nuttiness brought him back to five years ago in this same seat. The coffee was expertly brewed – Ren clearly improved his techniques.
“How is it?” a soft voice resonated by his left side, his breath slightly tickling his ear.
Heat rushed up his cheeks at that sensation, so he took another sip, hiding behind the cup. “It’s just as I remember,” Goro replies honestly, avoiding his gaze. “I haven’t had coffee this good in years.”
“You could’ve had it earlier if you came back last year!” Futaba called from her booth. Goro flipped her off unceremoniously, ignoring her cackling as he hid himself with the cup again.
“You two talked last year?” Ren’s voice raised an octave as he glared at Futaba in betrayal.
“She literally mentioned that not even two minutes ago, Joker,” Goro deadpanned.
“Well, excuse me for not thinking she’d extend her 2 extra attempts to someone else!”
“I knew he was alive for the past three years,” Futaba chipped in unhelpfully.
Ren crossed his arms, his expression switching between disappointment, dismay, and alarm with every second. “Wasn’t that right after I told you to not look for him?” he sighed, running a hand down his face. Goro's eyes followed that movement, watching his hand trail down his features.
“I got curious, okay?” Futaba pouted. “Plus, it’s not like I told you afterwards. He still came to you in the end.”
Gray eyes met red ones as he turned back towards Goro, who met his gaze defiantly. “Yeah,” Ren breathed. “He did.”
“Akechi! Truth or dare?” Futaba’s voice cut through the lingering laughter as Yusuke showed off Ann’s makeover from the previous dare. Right after the conversation in the morning with Futaba, she announced his existence to the rest of the thieves, leading to a last-minute meet-up – in Ren’s apartment, this time – with everyone the same night, save for Nijima, Okumura, and Yoshizawa. In hindsight, Goro feels relieved that the first two were too busy to come.
The reactions of the rest of the thieves were... unexpected, to say the least.
Sakamoto seemed mostly perplexed and remained so until now, but considering how he has an IQ of a sponge, Goro supposed that wasn’t very surprising.
Takamaki had the most explosive response, immediately enveloping him in a hug and telling him how glad she was for him to be back. He'd leaned into that embrace, finding her energy strangely comforting.
Kitagawa may have surprised him the most, however. When it came to interactions, he may have talked to him the least. Even so, his reception was warm, even going to the length of saying he wished he could’ve done more, not just in the alternate reality, but in the engine room too. Goro had been dumbfounded before collecting himself and telling him it’s all in the past now.
Which brings him back to his current situation.
Goro glanced at her warily. “I suppose I’ll take a dare,” he answers, adjusting his gloves to compose himself.
Her grin turned up manically, and for a moment, Goro felt a rush of unease. “I dare you,” she stars ceremoniously, pointing a finger at him, “to look into Ren’s eyes for as long as possible! First one to break eye contact loses!”
“So, a staring contest?” Ren raised his eyebrow.
“Nope!” Futaba smirked, popping the ‘p’ at the end. “You can still blink, but just keep your eyes on his.”
Goro shot her a questioning look, but complied anyway. “Alright, then,” Goro situated himself on the couch to face Ren across from him. “This should be easy.”
Ren’s eyes twinkled as he chuckled, giving him a smile reminiscent of Joker’s. “It will, won’t it?” He mirrored Goro’s movements. Adrenaline rushed through both of their veins at the thought of a new competition, trivial as it may be.
“And… BEGIN!”
Their gazes were already on each other before the announcement, so now it’s just a matter of maintaining it. Goro stared into Ren’s eyes, now unobstructed by the fake glasses he used to wear. He pushed down the warmth welling up in his core at the sight.
He let himself take in every detail, assessing how his eyes would occasionally widen as if in thought, how his eyelashes would softly flutter whenever he blinked, how the dark grey of his irises seemed to be an abyss inviting him in.
At one point, he stopped inspecting and only observed. What was Ren thinking? What would he think about right now? Probably some sentimental nonsense about his eyes and-
Stop. Focus on the challenge, Goro chided himself, attempting to grasp onto the lingering fire in his veins.
The minutes ticked by in silence, the thieves all waiting for one of them to slip up, but it seemed both were content to continue staring into each other's gazes.
“Man… it’s been ten minutes and they’re still not done,” Ryuji groaned in the background. “At this rate, we’re going to be here all night.”
“If that becomes the case, then it’s likely one of us would fall asleep, which would thus break the eye contact and leave one the victor,” Goro quipped, not leaving Ren’s gaze.
“Well, I’m getting bored!” Futaba shifted from her spot on the bed. “I’m going to get more snacks!”
Mona perked up at that sound. “Oh, I’ll come too!” He leaped off the armrest behind Ren. “I want some more food too!”
“Don’t break eye contact, you two!” Futaba called from the kitchen.
Ren huffed out a laugh. “Oh, I could do this all day.”
“Please don’t,” Ryuji whined.
“No, no, please do hold your positions,” Yusuke countered. “I must capture all the details in your expressions.”
Goro fought the urge to stare at Yusuke incredulously, opting to simply reflect the emotion to Ren instead. “You’re seriously drawing us now?”
“Yes,” his voice answered to his right where Yusuke had moved himself. “There’s no better time than the present, when I can see everything now.”
Ren’s knee brushed his on the couch as he shifted, getting Goro’s attention. He didn’t realize how close they’d gotten. “You okay with that?” he asked quietly, just loud enough for only him to hear.
Sighing, Goro nodded. “I suppose, as long as he doesn’t parade it around.”
A few more minutes passed, and nothing had changed. Futaba and Morgana returned at some point, and everyone, save for Ryuji, was waiting for the moment they slipped up.
“Ann, you’ve been pretty silent,” Futaba noted around the 15-minute mark. “Something on your mind?”
“Oh, uh-” Ann’s surprised voice cut through the silence. “I’ve just been wondering how they’re able to do this for so long and casually. Like, what do they think about?”
“For real, though,” Ryuji sighed. In his peripheral vision, he could see him sitting up and leaning forward. “Doesn’t it get awkward after so long?”
The corners of Ren’s lips twitched upward. “No, not really,” he answered. “It’s comfortable, if anything,” he smiled, his voice softening.
“Comfortable,” Futaba echoed, unimpressed. “Yeah, no. No way in hell would I do something like that and call it comfortable .”
“Well, I suppose it would help that it’s Akechi,” Morgana quipped. “They’ve been doing this type of thing ever since they met.”
“He’s got a point,” Ann agrees. “You two would always get into this weird staring contest whenever your ideas conflicted.”
The chatter continued to blend into the background as Goro tuned them out, focusing back on the person in front of him, still looking at him inquisitively.
“What are you thinking right now?” Ren asked him, tilting his head in curiosity.
Goro’s eyes widened, not expecting the question. “Actually, I was wondering just that. What you were thinking,” he manages to string together a reply.
The corners of his eyes lift as he smiles. “In that case, I’m just thinking of you,” Ren answered.
Goro raised an eyebrow. “How so?” he straightened up, propping himself up on the top of the couch with his arm.
“Your eyes.”
“My eyes?” Goro frowned.
“They’re different now,” Ren explained, a slight flush creeping up his cheeks.
“I don’t recall ever changing out my eyes,” Goro said, amused.
“Your eyes are brighter now,” Ren observed in admiration. “Before, there was this... darkness clouding them, like there was always something hanging over your head. They were beautiful then, but even more now.”
Goro’s breath hitched, his heartbeat quickening. “And now? What do you see, Ren?”
Ren leaned a little closer. “I see a pool of red the same color as rubies. I see stars dancing in your eyes.” The chatter around them dies back down, but neither of them are bothered to acknowledge it, too absorbed in their own world. “I see the essence of my greatest desire… and my greatest fear.”
“I want to drown in your gaze. Do everything in my power to make sure it’s only on me,” Ren breathed out, his voice barely audible. “And cherish the times when it is.” He leaned a little closer until their faces were only inches apart.
Heat rushed up Goro’s cheeks and he involuntarily hid his face as he leaned away, hiding it towards the couch. It was only when a set of gasps sounded around the room that he realized what he’d just done.
He broke his gaze from Ren. He just lost the dare.
“Holy shit,” Ryuji stared at them, mouth wide open.
“Did Ren just-” Ann started to say something, but it didn’t register.
It didn’t register, because he was pushing his way out of the bedroom, letting his feet take him wherever it wants to. It leads him to the balcony, overlooking the streets of Yongen-Jaya. He braces himself on the railing, feeling his heart pound violently as the warmth continued to travel to his ears.
This was stupid. This is all stupid. I shouldn’t have come to this stupid fucking party and agreed to that dare and-
“Goro?” the perpetrator of his thoughts approached behind him. “Are you alright?”
Goro steeled himself before turning around. “Of course,” he managed to grit out, folding his hands in front of him. “Why wouldn’t I be?”
Whatever words Ren was going to say seemed to die on his tongue and he only slackened his posture. “I sent the rest of them away,” he says instead. “It’s just us here now.”
Goro narrowed his eyes, ignoring the fluttering in his heart. “I see. I’ll take my leave too, then.” He pushes past Ren, their shoulders lightly brushing.
“Wait!” Ren’s hands grip onto his wrist, and he’s suddenly transported to five years back in the dead of night at Café Leblanc when he was about to leave. When he turned, he saw a similar desperation in Ren’s eyes once more.
“What is it?” Goro’s eyes widened.
Ren shifted his weight from one leg to another. “There’s something I want to show you.”
He leads them back to his room and grabs his laptop and a set of headphones, seating them down at the edge of his bed. Goro’s about to reach out to take them, but Ren hesitates at the last second, glancing at the keyboard in the corner of the room instead.
Whatever he’s contemplating, he decides against it, passing the headphones to Goro and plugging them into the laptop. Before he could say anything else, Goro’s gaze immediately fell to the item on his nightstand. He reached over to pick it up and inspect it, letting out a soft gasp once he confirmed his thoughts. “You still have this,” Goro breathed out, his words more of a statement than anything as he turned it over, observing the well-maintained leather.
Ren carried a wistful expression as he glanced between the glove and its original owner. “I made a promise, didn’t I?”
“You did,” Goro replied absentmindedly, stroking the soft leather beneath his fingertips. After a few moments, he placed it back, ignoring the fluttering in his stomach and straightening up. “You wanted to show me something?”
The sudden subject change took a moment to register, but Ren nodded anyway. “When I was in university, I still wasn’t sure what I wanted to do,” Ren starts. “So, I took a variety of classes, which included a music composition class in my second year.”
He glanced at Goro with a strained expression. “At that time, I struggled at lot,” he continued. “I was so sure that you were dead, yet I couldn’t move on,” his voice started to break, and Goro couldn’t help the twinge of regret in his heart.
“I’m sorry I took so long,” Goro scooted a little closer despite his mind screaming to tear himself away, their shoulders slightly brushing.
Ren shook his head. “It’s fine now. But back then, I needed an outlet for my emotions, so when the final project came around, I created… this.” He opens a file and gestures for Goro to put on his headphones.
“This… is a song called ‘Butterfly’.”
The song starts out simple – piano in the back and a violin driving a soft melody. It fades... and then he hears it.
The soft baritone of Ren’s voice filled his mind, and all Goro could do was fixate onto the story being told.
Did you finally lay down your mask?
Leaving everything back in the past?
Did you smile as you fell through the night?
Did you think of me while I thought of you?
Goro glanced at Ren beside him, who was currently staring into the floor, hands clasped between his legs. The song started to pick up, the song almost completely driven by the drums and bass. Strings enter at the chorus, creating a steady pace.
I see you there in front of me,
Throwing bulls eyes, one, two, three.
He was about to make an offhand comment about that line until the next lines came in, silencing his thoughts.
You were my sun, my star, my sky.
So, won’t you fly high, my butterfly?
Warmth welled up in his eyes. Blinking it away during the second verse, he reached out to Ren’s hands, untangling them only to grasp them in his own.
Looking for you during every fight.
Waiting for you in Jazz Jin at night.
Breaking down in this never-ending plight.
Would you have cried for me like I have cried for you?
Goro felt all his defenses falling, the little control he had left over his emotions disappearing. Every embellished word felt like a stab in his heart.
‘Cause I’ll always think of you.
My antithesis, my soliloquist, I’ll always think of you.
The song felt disgustingly happy, yet the bridge was full of rawness and… another feeling he couldn’t place. It was begging for a pause, some break in the song to just sit in the lyrics, but there was none.
It carried on, picking back up with the piano and strings – the instrumental being a perfect mask to the contents of the lyrics, and the song being a perfect representation of Ren’s mask.
Goro tightened his grip on Ren’s hand, placing his other hand hesitantly on top and stroking the back of it with his thumb.
I slip the glove back to your hand.
And I drift away from this land.
“This isn’t it, I understand.”
“I’m sorry, I will set you free now.”
He let out a small exhale at that line, his body otherwise frozen along with Ren’s as the song began to wind down.
My sun, my star, my sky.
So, won’t you fly high?
Won’t you sleep tight, my butterfly?
One final chord, and the song came to a close. A mix of emotions swirled within Goro as he took one of his hands away to take off the headphones, letting them fall to his lap.
That underlying emotion in the song he couldn’t place earlier… it was acceptance. That he’d be gone forever, and he may never come back.
Acceptance that even if Goro died, his love for him wouldn’t.
Love, huh? Goro thought wistfully, his chest shuddering as he took a breath. And after all this time, too…
A hand reached up to his face, wiping softly at his cheek. “Goro,” he whispered, shifting so he was kneeling in front of him, reaching his other hand up as well. “What’s wrong?”
Goro lifted his hand and watched a tear fall onto his palm.
Love… More tears welled up in his eyes before the dam broke loose, his body starting to rack into silent sobs. Ren immediately moved upwards, letting Goro prop himself up on him as one tear after another fell onto his shoulder; a mirror of this morning’s events.
He loves me.
He still loves me.
And I… Goro gripped the front of his shirt, pulling himself away to look him in his eyes. He searched his expression, his eyes a mix of pleading and hope, with a thin sheen betraying his stifled emotions. His lips were slightly parted, as if he wanted to say something but also wanted to stay in this fragile moment.
Goro trailed his right hand down to the corner of his lips, tracing the edges. He felt the sharp intake of Ren’s breath as he shuddered and closed his eyes.
“Five years…” Goro murmured, tangling his other hand into soft waves. Their faces inched closer with every moment. “Five years, and your feelings never went away?” Seeing how Ren leaned into his touch broke his last line of defense. “I’m sure you could’ve found someone else if you wanted to.”
“I didn’t want to,” Ren weakly protested. “I couldn’t.” He brought the hand on his face to his lips, pressing a kiss to Goro’s fingers, then his palm. “They weren’t you.”
“That’s… so stupid,” Goro stammered, face now completely reddened.
Ren huffed out a laugh. “Maybe, but…” Goro felt fire rush through his veins at every point of contact as Ren continued. “I don’t want anyone else. You heard it in the song, didn’t you?” Ren locked their gazes once more, blazing with honesty and passion. “I’ll always think of you.” His lips trailed down to his wrist.
“My sun.”
One kiss.
“My star.”
Another.
“My sky.”
He paused, his gaze piecing into Goro’s heart and a faint blush visible. His other hand went to grasp Goro’s lingering in his hair.
It was at that moment when Goro made a decision.
He is done running. If he was going to be given this extra chance at life…
“You are my everything, Goro,” Ren breathed, shifting himself closer.
…he was going to fucking take it.
“My butterfl-” Goro surged forward, cutting off Ren’s statement with a press of his lips. Immediately, Ren shot a hand to the back of Goro’s neck, holding them together in this embrace. Despite the quick initiation, the kiss was slow, methodical, and testing of each other’s reactions. The first and last time this happened was five years ago, and all Goro could think about was him. How they fit together perfectly, how beautiful the phantom thief looked, flushed and grappling onto anything he could.
Ren let out a gasp as Goro nibbled experimentally on his bottom lip, proceeding to briefly break contact to push himself back onto the bed. At this point, Goro’s mind was completely clouded. He knew they still had things to talk about. He knew there were too many questions gone unanswered.
But for now, all he wanted to do was wrap his arms back around the man in front of him and show him the parts of himself he couldn’t show that night. The parts that ache for him. The parts that want to stay forever in his embrace.
That yes, he would’ve – and has – cried for him, and that he’ll always think of him too.
Ren made his way onto Goro’s lap, almost straddling him as he lifted his chin up. “Will you be here for good?” He leaned down to whisper in his ear. “Please, tell me one more time.”
Breaths coming out unevenly, Goro nodded, placing a hand on Ren’s hip. “I’ll be here.” He leaned back against the headboard to look Ren in the eyes. “I promise.”
Ren simply stared down at him; eyes widened in awe as he took in the sight in front of him. “Beautiful,” he breathed, bending down so their lips were mere millimeters apart once more. “So, so fucking beautiful.”
Goro felt himself get pressed into the headboard as they kissed once more, a hand cradling the back of his head and another on his lower back. An exhale left his lips as Ren broke away to trail kisses down the side of his neck, eyes half-lidded in bliss.
A nip on his collarbone elicited a small whine from Goro, his back involuntarily arching under his touch. The sensation was electric, stealing the breath from his lungs. He felt Ren’s eyes follow that movement, eyes scanning the body under him.
Was this the best decision to make on his first night back, though? Probably not, Goro admitted to himself.
Reluctantly, Goro pushes himself back up, placing a hand on Ren’s chest and silencing his protests with a light peck. “Now, now, Joker,” he chided, willing his voice to stay steady as he took in his flushed appearance and kiss-swollen lips. “Let’s save that for another time.”
Ren chuckled, clearing his throat. “Another time, eh?” his eyes glimmered suggestively.
Rolling his eyes, Goro pushed his face away with the back of his hand before reaching for his phone to check the time. It was past midnight. Warm arms encircled his waist from behind as Ren peered over his shoulder, pressing small kisses along the crook of his neck.
“The trains would’ve stopped running by now,” Goro mentioned absentmindedly, his neck involuntarily tilting to give him more access.
For a moment, the only response he received was a hum, the vibrations shooting stars along his skin. “Stay tonight?” he asked, resting his head on Goro’s shoulder. “I have spare clothes and everything else you might need.” His voice was light and almost nonchalant, but the slight tightening around his waist said otherwise.
And quite frankly, Goro didn’t feel like leaving tonight either.
They go through their nightly routines silently, only breaking it to ask where things were. After being freshly showered and in Ren’s t-shirt and sweats, he took his place by the bed, where Ren sat waiting. At this point, the lights have been turned off, save for a lamp on the nightstand that bathed the room in a warm, golden glow.
Their shoulders brushed as Goro sat next to him, letting out a sigh. “You’re not going to ask me where I've been?” he asked tentatively.
Ren hesitated before shaking his head. “Not if you don’t want me to.”
He got a glare in return. “Do. You,” Goro punctuated each word, his tone hardening. “Want to know where I've been?” If there’s one thing he disliked about Ren, it was his blatant disregard for his own feelings, always wanting to make others the most comfortable.
Ren's breath shuddered in defeat. “Maybe just the basics for now,” his head turned slightly towards Goro, looking at him out the corner of his eye. “The rest can be saved for another day.”
He supposes he’ll take that answer. Especially on a night as fragile as this. Goro took a deep breath in, composing himself. “Well, if it’s the basics you want...”
The first two years, he was in a rehabilitation center – the same one his mother went to years ago. “I was in a coma for about five months,” he tells Ren, their positions having changed to them sitting propped up by the headboard, with Ren’s arm thrown over his shoulder and Goro leaning into his embrace. “I have no recollection of how I got there, but they said I came in heavily injured, with a shot wound on my chest.” He grazes the area over the scar, appreciative of Ren’s silence as he cards his fingers through Goro’s hair. “I can only assume I somehow survived Shido’s ship.”
The third year, he started working for Sae as her assistant in her private law firm. “She was there since the end of my recovery process and offered me a job once I was out due to my prior time working as a detective,” he looked up to see Ren’s perplexed expression as the hand in his hair stopped moving. “I’ve been working for her since. I owe her my life.”
“Sae never mentioned you at all the past few years,” Ren furrowed his brows in confusion.
“I asked her not to, and it was also something we both agreed upon,” Goro stated. “The past couple years, I've been trying to... work on myself,” he gritted out, shifting uncomfortably and pushing Ren back down when he made a move to adjust for him, settling back down on his chest as he resumes his ministrations. “I’ve been going to therapy since I got out of the rehabilitation center. Get all my shit sorted out, you know?” he sighed before continuing, tilting his head up to fix their gazes together. “That’s why I couldn’t come back last year.”
“I swore to myself that if I was ever going to see you again, that I would at least be in a place where I wouldn’t immediately fuck everything up with you,” he laughed bitterly. “Then again, that was assuming I hadn’t already.”
“So, I waited another year. Told Oracle that I'd come see you the next year,” his voice ends up softening near the end, along with his smile. “And here we are now.”
Ren had been mostly silent for the entire story, and even now, all he could do was pull Goro close and press a kiss onto the top of his head. “Thank you for telling me,” he says, stroking the back of Goro’s hand.
Goro couldn’t hold back his scoff. “You’re thanking me? I should be the one thanking you.”
“For what?”
“For waiting.”
Before Ren could try to protest or mention his unbelievably sappy song again, he directed the conversation towards Ren. “What about you, then? What have you been doing in the past-” Goro cut himself off with a yawn.
Ren chuckled at the sight, reaching over to turn off the lamp instead, letting the moonlight of the waxing gibbous be the only thing illuminating their surroundings and pulling them down further under the covers. “I’ll tell you tomorrow,” he promises Goro, changing their positions so they were now facing each other, one of their hands still intertwined.
For a few minutes, they were content to bask in the peaceful atmosphere, letting the presence of the other person envelop them like a warm blanket on a cold winter night.
“...Goro?” Ren’s voice broke the silence, voice slightly shaking in nervousness.
“Hm?” came the half-asleep reply.
“Am I allowed to say it this time?”
“Say what?”
“...”
“...Go ahead.”
“I love you, Goro.”
“And you’re a total idiot for that, Joker,” was the immediate reply.
“Your idiot, Crow.”
Goro shifted closer to Ren, letting their legs tangle together. “Yeah,” he breathed. “My idiot.”
Five heartbeats, and one more small, vulnerable line is spoken before they both drift off.
“I love you too, Ren.”
It may have taken five years, but they still ended up here.
If that’s the price to spend the rest of his life with Ren, he supposes he can’t complain.
He'll gladly lay down his mask time and time again if it means he gets to wake up beside him until their final days... on their own terms.