Chapter Text
David’s mother used to say the same, purposeful affirmation whenever she had an appointment at the hairdressers.
She would stand at the mirror in her bedroom, purse pristinely hung over her shoulder as she applied a thin layer of lipstick to her puckered lips. Brenda and himself would sit at the end of the bed, peaceful in their mother’s presence, chatting away and playing with their stuffed animals as she got ready.
“Remember Brenda, a woman cutting her hair is a tell tale sign that she has a new found purpose in life.” Their mom would recite, with a touch of drama and a wink as she flicked her then long locks over her shoulder.
Even though David was pretty certain that his mother’s ‘new found purpose’ was the sudden motivation to eat more salad and cut out chocolate, he often pondered the concept and found the notion to be fascinating.
That something as simple as the length or style of your hair, could have such an effect on your mood and general perception that you feel it’s a necessary step to a new life. He supposed it wasn't a variant to putting on a brand new, shiny t-shirt and basking in the glory of his admiring fellow fourth graders. But whenever his mom reiterated the statement, he felt as though there was more to it than that.
He assumed that it was just something he would never understand.
He almost envied the way that his mother would direct the expression to his sister. It felt as though she had a certain power that he couldn’t grasp. He wanted so desperately to know what it meant in that context. What it was like to actually experience this theory.
It’s not as though he had never had a hair cut before, David had been taken to the barbers on multiple occasions. But more so because his father valued a neat look and called his long hair scruffy, as opposed to some ‘new found’ motive. It was days like that where tiny David would question if it was just something that wasn’t meant for him. As he grew older he’d soon come to a final conclusion that it wasn’t.
But it didn’t stop his mother’s words from circling his mind at times.
Maybe that’s why he felt his eyes lingering on the pair of scissors that sat on his boyfriend’s sink. Fingers itching as the silver glinted in his peripheral.
Gold locks that he once took so much pride in, now felt like a vipers nest he so desperately wanted rid of.
David knew why. He knew what happened and why everything had changed.
What he didn’t know was how to endure it- how to bear a crown of blonde thorns.
This wasn’t the first time that David had stayed over Exer’s house following the incident . His mother was apprehensive at first, worried that too much time away would be more of a distraction than a healing process, but she knew that he needed this. As scary as it was now, she couldn’t always keep him within arms reach.
David truly relished staying over; it felt like a place where he could easily slip into his part. Upon arrival at the house, he could effortlessly portray himself as perfectly normal and doing exceptionally well! Exer wouldn’t pry or try to get him to talk nearly half as much as his mother and sister would. He even acknowledged when to drop the topic and it was something that he was extremely grateful for. Mr. Campbell was…slightly different. David could tell he was desperate to talk to him, give him advice and guidance, but he always seemed to stop himself. Instead reassuring him that he was always welcome here and could confide in Harry if need be.
David would always wave him off.
He was doing ‘swimmingly’ well after all!
He knew that was the biggest lie he would ever tell. But he found comfort in the control his fake feelings granted him. Whether anyone believed him or not, they couldn’t take that away from him. No one can ever take that away from him, never again!
“Hey! Day, what’s taking so long? Are you washing your hands or trying to flood my bathroom?” Exer chuckled from across the hallway, peering through to where the door of the restroom was still wide open.
David hadn’t realised his hands had balled into fists until he was flinging them upwards to turn off the faucet. He let out a humoured huff as he glanced at the nearly full sink.
“Damn it, you spoiled my mischievous plans.”
Exer leaned against the doorway, shooting his boyfriend a bemused look as David dried off his hands with a paper towel.
“Wow, you would flood my house? even after I bought you pizza?”
David shot him an unimpressed look, his hand quickly crumpling the tissue paper into a ball before he playfully launched it, straight at Exer’s head. His eyes squinted slightly as the ball bounced off his face and he gave David the biggest pout he’d ever seen.
He’s lucky he is cute.
“What did I even do to deserve this treatment?”Exer’s playful frown turned into a faux expression of hurt as he bent down to retrieve the crumpled tissue. With a dramatic flourish, he aimed it accurately and gave it a casual toss, watching as it arced neatly into the small blue bin by the sink.
“You forgot to add pepperoni…an unforgivable crime I’m afraid.” He wasn’t actually mad about that, Exer’s teasing just ignited something in him. How could he resist giving him the same energy?
David went to stride past him, sighing dramatically as he did so.
Just as he was halfway out the door, Exer looped a gentle hand around his waist, slowly, to not take him off guard. He was always good with that, now more so than ever. He would use his words and initiate contact so incredibly lightly. There was no hunger or cruelty in his touch, and it hurt so much to know that it was a sensation David had to get used to all over again.
He was just grateful that some touch still felt safe, even if he had to take a moment to remind himself that it definitely was. Right now, he felt so full of joy to be in his boyfriend’s arms. These feelings felt so precious to him, he wished they were the only ones to exist.
Pure bliss.
Although, David did make sure to keep an extra careful ear out for any footsteps coming up the stairs. Luckily, Mr. Campbell wasn’t exactly light on his feet.
“If you think you’re gonna charm your way out of this one, I have some news for you sir.” He crossed his arms, a theatrical display of his lighthearted disapproval.
“Oh come on Day..”
“Sorry Ex, I am a man of standards!”
“You’re really not gonna let this go are you?”
David rolled his eyes and leaned in to the touch, placing his hands on Exer’s shoulders.
“Guess I’ll need to think about it.”
He let out a hum of contemplation before inching his face closer, noses practically brushing against each other as Exer’s eyes trailed down to his lips. Time always seemed to stop when they were like this. It felt as though their auras were entangled in a nebula of subtle light. David felt himself go mushy as Exer slowly moved forward himself, face warm and lips tugging upwards in a smile.
Alas, the lengths he goes to, to fluster his boyfriend.
They were agonisingly close when David suddenly whispered “No I will not.” and pulled away, head cocking to the side as he stuck his tongue out. Perhaps it was childish, but it was worth it to see the other boy’s surprised reaction. It left poor Exer to give out a disappointed puff as his face still burnt with adoration.
He booped Exer on the nose in response, a smug smile gracing his features. He loved the way that his boyfriend’s face lit up at the contact.
Exer scoffed, a deep red spreading across his cheeks as he gave David’s waist the lightest prod he could muster. He jolted from the movement, a squawk escaping his lips as he playfully whacked Exer’s arm.
“Asshole.”
“…Parrot.”
“What did you just call me?” David spun around a slight chuckle escaping him, facing Exer’s cocky grin with a genuine look of bewilderment.
He’d certainly not heard that one before.
“I’m just saying, you do sound like a parrot sometimes..” Exer’s eyes searched the ceiling in a coi display.
“Oh it is-“
Ding, dong!
Both boy’s heads whipped to the side as the doorbell rang, the high pitched chime reverberating through the halls. They could hear the muted conversation between Harry and the delivery guy moments later.
David didn’t miss the way his chest recoiled like a spring. He had to quickly remind himself that there would be nothing bad at the door. It was just the pizza.
“We will be revisiting this conversation, my love.” Exer somewhat shuddered at the slightly sinister glint in David’s eyes, but he saw the way his cheeks flushed at the nickname regardless.
“Boys! Pizza is here!”
“Coming!” They both shouted in concord.
“I’m right behind you Day, just gonna wash my hands!”
David nodded, giving a tender smile before making his way downstairs.
Yep! This was going well. Although he was still slightly offended by the parrot comment. Where on earth had Exer got that from!? He sighed fondly at his boyfriend’s ridiculousness.
Reaching the top of the stairs; David had to steady himself. He pretended that the clench of his jaw wasn’t an indication of a mask slipping and started descending the stairs; consoling himself with the prospect of everything going smoothly. He just had to not let his mind get the better of him.
But he soon felt his shoulders droop as the familiar dark cloud snaked its way across his back. Despite his best efforts to brush it off, it cast a dark haze over his once-joyful demeanour. It always felt so frustrating.
He was not thinking about any of that right now.
The heavy fog was something he had grown used to whenever he was alone. When he lost his armour of pretending and feigning the emotions he so desperately wanted to feel. The emotions that made him feel normal.
It was a safety blanket he had always used. When the people in his life were unaware of the bitter tempest of abuse that would unfurl from his father’s lips. The piercing arrows that the man, who was supposed to love him, would use to chip away at the armour of self worth that he desperately tried to keep together since he was a little kid.
His perfect facade acted like a sheet that covered up the raw damage of emotional assault. He had even begun to fall for it himself. It was all he had at the time. But, now everyone he loved knew the truth as his wounds became visible, a sickening painting of fear and hatred that formed like grotesque brush strokes across his features. Nevertheless, he could still try.
Try to pretend, even if he looked ridiculous to do so.
Frantically scanning the dining table and kitchen as he entered, his eyes urgently sought out Harry, driven by the need to cast off the ever-present shadow.
He had always loved the homely feeling of the Campbell house. The way the colours of the walls and furniture radiated warmth and safety. The dining table was small, sitting alongside the kitchen counters, on the far side of the wall. The smooth brown of the mahogany wood melted lovingly into the wallpaper, creating an ambience that made the entire room feel like a nurturing embrace.
He remembered Inhaling the soft hues and essences that beckoned from every corner whenever he visited, he would feel the comforting flickers of hospitality in every breath. Despite his better judgments, he knew it wasn’t some glorious haven, in fact it was very normal. But it felt safe.
He couldn’t say the same for his own home.
“Oh David! Could you help me get these to the table?”
He sighed in relief.
Oh thank god.
He twisted around to where Harry stood, an unkempt expression on his face as he held 3 pizza boxes in his hands and balanced a side box of fries on top.
“Of course!”
He tried to push down the way his heart raced as he approached the man, reaching over to grab the fries and top pizza box. David was extremely conscious of the way he stood, keeping his focus trained onto the boxes he was grabbing.
He detested the way his brain got so confused. This wasn’t… him .
This was one of the kindest men he’s ever known.
Deep breaths David…deep breaths.
Making their way over to the table, David was glad that they could slip into a short conversation. It was mainly about their pizza choices and David, of course, had to mention Exer’s ‘devastating’ error when ordering his. To which Harry chuckled when David confirmed he didn’t actually care, he just enjoyed the way Exer had apologised as if he had snuffed out the sun.
The two set the boxes down and David made his way into the kitchen to grab their sodas and some napkins. The conversation continued to flow smoothly as Harry met him halfway, grabbing one of the soda cans David had placed sort of awkwardly under his arm.
“Oh! Thank you Mr. Campbell.” Beaming kindly, he made his way over to place the contents of his hands onto the table.
“Sure…” The man's smile exuded warmth as he mirrored David's actions. However, a subtle crease appeared on his forehead as he paused briefly before speaking once more.“So..David. How have you been?”
And there it was. David couldn’t help but to internally wince. He knew what that tone of voice meant, and furthermore, he knew the thousands of questions that were encompassed within those 4 simple words.
But, he also knew how to reply to such questions. How to fabricate.
“Oh, I’ve been okay, thanks for asking.” He gave him a wistful smile.
Not too much, not too little. Hopefully, Harry will just resort to a familiar, pitied look and move on.
It’s not that David wasn’t grateful; he was. He really appreciated that Mr. Campbell cared. The compassion filled a gaping hole in his chest that was left empty by his cold and emotionally distant father. But the oppressive burden brought on by confronting the situation felt unbearable and made David want to cry.
~
“What, are you crying?! Are you a little girl? Grow up David, for god’s sake!”
“I’m sorry Dad!”
~
“Well, I am glad to hear you’ve been doing alright..” Harry’s lips were pressed together and his gaze laid heavily on David’s tense stance.
Phew! He was relieved that was ove-
“I just-…David…you’re mom called the other day.” Harry leant across the chair, his posture and manner softening. “I think she’s worried that you’re not talking to anyone.” Harry’s eyes met David’s anxious ones, his eyebrows furrowed together as he chose his next approach. “You know..about…what happened.”
David was at a loss for words as he avoided Harry’s gaze. Ripping his line of sight away from his boyfriend’s father in an effort to conceal his discomfort.
He hadn’t planned for this..
“I am not asking you to probe or interrogate you. Nothing like that, you talk when you’re ready” His smile was light and friendly. “I just want to make sure you’re getting by okay..”
That was all well and good, but what if he’s never ready? What then?
“W-well I-“
“Hey! Sorry guys, Lucy was demanding my attention.” Exer spoke up, rolling his eyes affectionately as he strolled through the doorway. David was taken by surprise; he hadn’t heard him coming down the stairs.
Despite his nonchalance, he paused at the table, surveying the expressions of the both of them.
“Ugh…you guys okay?”
“Oh, yes son. We were just chatting.”
David nodded along, observing his boyfriend’s uneasy movements, he shared fleeting glances with his dad, as if trying to convey messages of trepidation. Did…he know? But, Exer’s focus soon landed solely on him. “Seems a little quiet in here, are you-“
As soon as Exer looked like he was about to elaborate, David butted in. Looking anywhere and everywhere but the father and son duo.
“Yeah! All is good Ex.”
“ I wasn’t sure what soda you wanted, so I just grabbed a cola. Is that okay?” He hoped the diversion would be seamless enough. Giving his boyfriend a gentle squeeze of his bicep, his lips twitched into a simper.
With a subtle parting of his lips, Exer slowly nodded. “That’s great…thanks Day.”
David felt Exer’s hand find his own, squeezing it back from where it was still resting on his upper arm.
A dip of his head was David’s only response. He knew he was smiling far too widely for it to be genuine, but he was too off guard to fix it. Control was slipping through his fingers and it terrified him.
The mention of his mother’s call really threw him off. There was no telling what she might’ve mentioned, she had seen so many breakdowns, so many moments where he truly felt he was losing his mind. It left him with an uncertainty that he wasn’t sure how to navigate. He doubts that she shared the details, but he couldn’t stop himself from overthinking, he just hoped Exer hadn’t learnt any of it. For both of their sakes.
Dinner was even worse. In fact it was a disaster. The three of them chose to eat a bit before their usual mealtime as Harry would be leaving soon. It was still pretty early in the evening, and Mr. Campbell would be taking off for the night as he had an early morning meeting out of town.
His hosts must have sensed his discomfort, evident as Exer cautiously handed him a plate from the stack, their confidence wavering in caution. David had to pretend he couldn’t see them searching each other’s expressions for doubt.
Harry and Exer’s silent exchanges only grew more obvious as they started to eat and it was much too quiet to ignore. Despite the two being sat opposite each other, David caught their concerned raised eyebrows and tight lipped smiles from the corner of his eyes. It was horrid. Opting to keep staring at Harry’s work bag, that was placed on the chair across from him, David took small bites of his pizza and willed himself to be able to talk. To put on some kind of a neutral front; stop the conversing glances and show that what Harry had said, didn’t get to him.
But it did.
David was now painfully aware of the fact that Exer and Mr. Campbell must’ve been figuring him out. The hope that they were still somewhat unaware, now felt like a fleeting, childish desire. His fingers trembled with humiliation and he silently begged the universe to spare him from the curse of being discerned. Reasonably, he knew why his mother had called. She was constantly worried that she was doing something wrong, desperate for advice on how to handle the situation correctly. As he had previously recognised, she must’ve seen the most; his mother and sister knew better than anyone what he was trying to do. What he was trying to hide. Now, it felt as if everyone could see right through him and it made him want to shrink into nothingness, he wanted to retreat into a dark pit and never resurface. It was so embarrassing.
Nibbling on his pizza, David struggled to find a way to start a sentence. He barely paid attention to Harry and Exer's small conversation, focusing instead on his thoughts, searching for an act to play to make him seem as though he wasn’t completely freaked out right now.
His left eye twitched unhelpfully.
“Is it okay David?”
Oops, okay maybe he should’ve paid more attention.
“Huh?”
Exer took his hand under the table, giving it a soft squeeze and all of a sudden David felt as though he could breathe again. A freeing sense of grounding pulled him out of his minor spiral and he felt the pull of his lips turn upward.
“We were asking how the pizza is? You haven’t eaten much.”
“Oh! Yeah..sorry I was in my own little world for a second there.” A hesitant chuckle escaped him, accompanied by an uncertain grin. “But, the pizza is really good! Thanks again for…this.”
“Don’t mention it kiddo! You don’t have to eat it all now. I know it’s probably still a little early for dinner.” Harry exclaimed, a hint of apologetic guilt underlying in his response.
David went to assure the man when his boyfriend spoke up instead.
“We don’t mind! We can always heat it up later, dad.” Exer supplied for him and David hummed in agreement, intertwining his fingers with Exer’s, still out of view. He was uncertain whether Harry was actually aware of their relationship, Exer had never outright mentioned it to him, but he seemed convinced that his father did know. David figured it would be best to keep it under wraps until his boyfriend was ready to verbally confirm, they couldn’t risk being caught without explanation. The thought alone made David’s heart race and palms go sweaty.
After that, to David’s surprise, the conversation flowed pretty naturally. They spoke a bit about Harry’s early morning meeting and some of the drama between his colleagues at the therapist centre, which was honestly pretty laughable considering they’re therapists. You would think that they’d know how to express their emotions maturely, but apparently it happens more often than you’d think. David couldn’t help but genuinely laugh at the thought.
“So, do all the other therapists join forces for some sort of ‘counsellor intervention’ whenever that happens?”
“I can’t say that’s ever occurred, but great idea, I’ll write that one down David.” Harry quipped, his eyes crinkling at the sides. In that instant, David couldn't help but appreciate the genuineness of the moment, treasuring the company of two individuals who made him feel as close to normalcy as he could ever hope for.
Their meaningless discussions were always something that David kept close to his heart, and a staple for whenever he came over.
Although, most of the chatting during this particular dinner, pertained to David and Mr. Campbell, teasing Exer for his failed lasagne attempt a few days ago. Look, his boyfriend was a great cook, there was no denying that, but everyone has their off days and Exer’s just so happened to fall on the evening where he offered to make dinner for his dad and David. Which was also the evening he had decided to try out a new recipe. They recalled the moment where Exer placed the burnt dish onto the centre of the table with an adorable frown, hands still in the oven mitts as he grumpily presented the food. In that very moment David had wanted to jump off his seat and shower that little pout in kisses. Obviously, that wouldn’t have been appropriate for the setting, so he chose instead to take a huge slice of the lasagne and pretend that it was the most divine food he’d ever tasted. It was only later that night when Exer had stated “It was gross, wasn’t it?” That the truth came out. “Yep. Horrible.”
“I am still trying to get the burnt taste out of my mouth.”
“Hey! You’re one to talk, Day! Remember when you made me breakfast? But it was actually just two chunks of charcoal and some mush?”
“That was my egg on toast!” He defended, scrunching his nose and trying to give Exer the ol’ puppy dog eyes. “You didn’t even try it!”
“Day…I don’t think it was edible!?” Exer’s expression embodied his thoughts, which were definitely along the lines of ‘I adore you but what the fuck.’
“Well, you know what they say Ex, don’t knock it till you try it. At least I tasted your lasagne, right Mr. Harry?” David couldn’t help but laugh at the way Exer’s eyes snapped towards his father, a silent plea for backup.
Mr. Campbell didn’t even look up from where he was taking a bite of his pizza, causing both boys to be sitting on the edge of their seats, waiting for his verdict. When he finished chewing he finally spoke up. “Sorry son, David has a point.” He shrugged unphased, a small smile cracking over his features.
“Aha!”
“That’s not fair! You always take his side!” Groaning, Exer glared daggers at his unperturbed father. But his thumb rubbed gentle circles on top of David’s own, so any feelings of annoyance were quickly cancelled out.
“In my defence, I just wanted to make your favourite breakfast…” And that was all it took for Exer to practically deflate.
“Oh hon-ugh- bro…no! I really did appreciate it! Just next time maybe, wait for me to wake up first. We can make it together.”
“Sure thing Ex.” That sounded nice, domestic even, he couldn’t help but sigh romantically at the thought.
David felt the pestering shadow blur into the background as their playful discussion continued. The predicament about his mother’s phone call was already temporarily forgotten. The lighthearted conversation between the three, clouded his unease and acted as a perfectly crafted diversion for his fragmented mind.
Until it didn’t.
“David, could you pass me one of those napkins?”
“Sure.”
David grabbed a handful of napkins from the stack nearby, the airy tissues flowing slightly as he plucked them off the top. However, as he leaned over to hand some to Harry, he misjudged the position of Exer's cola as he knocked it with his elbow, causing it to topple over with a thud.
Shit.
Shit.
He paused, eyes wide as he attempted to process what just happened. The dark liquid was pooling over the table and soaking Exer’s pizza box in what felt like seconds. It felt as though a million sparks exploded through the room as David suddenly got a glimpse of angry blue eyes and an incoming backhand. This type of thing was always completely unacceptable. How could he have been so stupid?
Snapped out of his trance by Exer and Mr. Harry’s slight fuss, the tall man moving the pizza box out of the line of fire and Exer pushing off of his chair as a few drops ran off the side of the table. Onto Exer’s white Tee.
Oh he was so in for it now.
David’s chest pounded as he hastily snatched the can and attempted to soak up the liquid with the tissues he had originally grabbed for Mr. Campbell. But, the napkins were far too flimsy; simply dissolving into the liquid, turning to a soaking mush in his hands.
Fuck.
~
“For fuck’s sake David! What the hell is wrong with you!”
“I’m sorry Dad, I didn’t mean too!”
“It’s like living with a goddamn toddler. Clean this shit up now!”
~
“I am sorry, I am so sorry!’ Scrambling to grab more napkins, the now dripping can being held as far away from the table as possible, David disregarded Exer’s comforting reassurances at his side.
“Day, it’s alright! It’s just a bit of cola.” He snickered slightly, moving to place a hand on David’s as he finished wiping down his now stained T-shirt. Fuck, he loved that shirt.
The contact on David’s skin caused him to retract his hand like lightning, his survival instincts creeping their way into his subconscious. The tissue was tight in his grip and he had to remind himself that it was in fact Exer beside him. Exer.
Exer.
He swiftly brought his hand back down, cleaning up the mess quickly taking place as his top priority. Maybe Mr. Campbell wouldn’t be as mad if he could recover from his clumsiness.
But the dark splotch that bled across Exer’s front begged to differ.
The paper continued to turn to a sludge, breaking off onto the table as it simply pushed the liquid around, making the mess worse. David felt as though the world was turning into a spinning blur of nonsensical distortion and nothing was working to rid the table of his horrific mistake. A cool wetness trailed down his cheeks and he prayed to any higher power that would listen, to stop him from crying.
All at once his body was no longer his own, he felt as though he were running on autopilot as his limbs went hollow and eyes out of focus. It was as if his consciousness was snatched backwards, self-preservation taking forefront in his mind.
The man at the other side of the table was looking at him. Looking at the mess.
Wait.
He knew him? Of course he did, he was familiar. David just didn’t know if he was safe.
Backing away from the table, David’s eyes were glued to the chaos. It wasn’t working.
Disorder frosted the table in a pathetic display. How could he have not realised he was making it worse? Why did he always make it worse!?
Paper towels. He needed paper towels. That would fix it.
Movement in the corner of his eye caused his head to jerk upward. The taller figure was saying something but it didn’t quite cut through to him, the blood pumping through his veins being far too loud. The last time he was mad at David something bad happened. Something that seeped through his bones and caused his face to throb, numbness interrupted only by sharp pangs that erupted across his features. Why was his eye beginning to ache? God knows what his punishments could consist of now.
Terror melded into his core, hues of deformation turned the space into a tapestry of hazards. Beratements from his past slithered into every creak and grumble of the house, surrounding him in viscous whispers that were menacing in their subtleties. Every gentle buzz from the fridge; hum from the radiator and rustle from their clothes mingled together in a piercing but quiet insult, directed his way for ruining their dinner. Ruining their lives with his generous array of imperfections. God, why did he have to spoil everything.
The man was walking toward him, towering over his trembling shoulders, hands outstretched and palms flat. He looked like he was pushing through some invisible barrier.
“David.” The voice was softer than he remembered making David slightly apprehensive. The fact that it hadn’t chilled him to the bone was neither a warning or a comfort. Normally his voice would have him shuddering in anticipation and begging for some slither of empathy to overcome his abuser, but he didn’t feel that gut wrenching peril and fear with this voice.
Yet.
He tried to keep his eyes down, retreating from the table at a deliberate pace.
“Paper towels.” Voice croaking, David tried to explain why he had stopped cleaning. “I-I was gonna grab some..um paper towels.” He couldn’t let him think that he was going to leave the spill there. That would be the worst thing he could do. He sought to mentally recall where the paper towels were kept. Linda normally put them in the cabinet under the sink.
However, the shadow grew bigger and David assumed the man was getting closer, foiling any plans he had to go check. He’d already done something wrong, so maybe it was too late to save it. Stains were harder to clean than a table top. He would know, the blood that seeped into the white stripes of his sweater took a few washes to get out. He threw it in the garbage anyway.
The idea of how detrimental his mistake was made David’s chest tighten and he could already feel the sting of a furious, knuckled grip yanking at his scalp, hauling his head towards the wall in a whirlwind of hatred.
David wanted to throw up.
The figure was moving at a tauntingly slow pace and David couldn’t work out why. Was it to prolong the punishment? To make him feel even more helpless? Maybe to even trick him into believing he wasn’t mad.
But he was always mad.
He felt himself growing more and more rigid in his movements. David backed away as slowly as he could, letting out a gentle gasp as his back had hit the wall; the drink, momentarily forgotten in his grasp, sliding from his fingers. The clang of tin hitting the floor shot an icy chill up David’s spine as he visibly flinched. However, that was the last movement he found himself making as he became paralysed where he stood.
Frozen. He was completely frozen.
And so was the man.
David could somewhat make out a conversation happening, but it was unsteady and cautious. Trying to understand it would be futile at this moment, his focus was solely on the danger.
Eyes still glued to the floor, he watched as the shoes came to a sudden halt. David knew this was it, he shakily tilted his head upward, eyes the size of saucers. Lifting his head felt as though he were trying to hold up a bowling ball. Every fibre of his being wanted to run and escape but he found himself glued to the ground, his face was already burning and he knew he must’ve been sobbing at this point, chest heaving as his arms flew upward to protect his face.
“Please don’t!”
David waited, waited for the blow that was sure to come. His face was already stinging and flashes of the violence he so desperately wanted to forget bled into his vision. Once again, injuries from his past were flaring and making themselves known in sharp twinges, causing him to wince and flinch despite no contact being made yet. The hair that was brushing against his neck suddenly felt like tiny brambles that caught against his neck, keeping him from moving out of fear of them tearing at the skin. He wished he could just disappear. It was all far too much.
“David…listen to me. I am keeping my distance, you are safe.”
What?
The pressure that built up in his ears made the words difficult to hear, but there was a clarity that settled as unquestionable.
“I am not angry with you. I know it was an accident-“ The tone of speaking was unbelievably delicate, clear and genuine. He still couldn’t bring himself to look toward the sound though, too scared that he would be faced with the opposite. He decided instead to once over the room.
“David, can you hear me?”
“What?” Everything began to sharpen and the spinning blur contorted into bright lights and harsh colours. “Huh?” His confusion left his lips in broken puffs.
“Exer, can you go grab some ice water?”
Exer?
“What! But dad-“ The response came from David’s left and he soon recollected that there was in fact someone else here with them. Which now certainly made sense as he thought he could hear a faint conversation merely seconds ago.
“Exer.. please. Move slowly.”
David’s heart sparked with longing and he urgently tried to latch onto Exer’s image, his warm skin and magnetic smile. His eyes helplessly sought out his potential anchor.
It seemed as though Exer must’ve been panicking himself, he turned his head and saw a fearful, protective gaze locked onto his shivering form. David could finally see his boyfriend, but it felt as though he were standing behind a panel of glass, it made everything so much more confusing. Everything felt like a lie or a deceitful dream set out to humiliate him.
Reluctantly, Exer obliged the orders, and David felt his eyes lingering after him. Seeing him walk by, eyes teary and frightened, it was heartbreaking but it almost brought David back into the room. The glass was getting thinner. His curly brown hair looked uncharacteristically still as his strides grew more and more careful. It was almost surreal to be looking at him, seeing him here. David was so sure that this was a place of threat, but Exer was everything that safety encompassed, why would he be here?
Watery amber eyes would flick back and forth towards his direction, David wished he knew how to move, how to process what was going on so he could comfort him. What once looked like a dark haze now revealed itself as the archway into the kitchen as Exer padded his way over to the fridge. David could tell a million thoughts were racing through his boyfriend’s head. He just hoped he wouldn’t be too mad.
It felt as though David had just been suddenly awoken from the nightmare that corrupted his every dream. Except this time he had been wide awake, just elsewhere. And even now he was experiencing that sensation which often followed a bone chilling dream. The one where you are slightly relieved but still unsure of whether or not you truly escaped the monster.
“David..can you look at me kiddo?”
He wasn’t sure why those simple words compelled him to look, he really wasn’t, but he felt his every instinct scream at him as he turned to finally face the voice. But what he saw wasn’t a look full of spite and ferocity, it was a look that David couldn’t describe. So many expressions were flashing across the genial features he was presented with, but every single one was sheltering and understanding. It was then that David had realised that this was no shadow, no monstrous memory from the deepest parts of his mind. This was Mr. Campbell and despite his clear myriad of emotions, the man’s stance was calm, keeping at a comfortable distance. The complete opposite of what ‘ his’ had been.
“Mr. Harry?” David choked out.
“Yes David. That’s right. You are safe now. What you are experiencing was then, and this is now.”
And of course it was. It just felt like what he could see, hear and feel was real. The pain felt raw and fresh and he didn’t know how that was possible. What the hell was wrong with him? Why did he keep going back to that moment? It was as if anything that reminded him of his father or anything that used to make his father mad, would still result in him being hurt. Being tossed away. Even though he hadn’t seen that man in over a month, it’s like what he did to him still followed and was still a major threat. Something that lurked behind every corner and lived in every person. It was the reason he always looked behind himself, always kept the music on his Walkman low enough to remain vigilant. The reason he could never differentiate a sudden movement from a rampaging fist.
Why was he like this? God it was awkward, they must think he is crazy. Maybe he is. David’s knees grew weak, so he made the conscious decision to slide down the wall, hoping it would relieve the persistent wobbling. To his surprise Harry followed suit, kneeling down so he could be at David’s level.
“Hey bud, can you follow my breathing? Do you think you could try that for me?” He spoke so soothingly, as if there wasn’t a danger in the world and it was so alleviating to hear because David knew there was so much of it. But.. perhaps not in this room. Not right now.
David nodded in response.
“Okay, copy me closely.” Exaggerating his breathing, he took in deep breaths and let out rhythmic exhales. Harry tipped his head in consolation, gesturing for David to replicate his actions.
Wow, he hadn’t realised how hollow his breaths had been until he was finally allowing oxygen to enter his system effectively. Every exhale saturated the room, his blotchy vision clearing more and more.
“You’re doing so well, David.” He wasn’t used to hearing something so clear, so considerate. There was no trace of condescension in his tone, it was instead patient and soft.
It was then that Exer had returned. The cool glass was clouded with condensation and clutched in his grip as he placed a hand on his father’s shoulder. Looking at the icy beverage, he suddenly recognised how hot he had become in the midst of his panic.
David took in the true extent of Exer’s devastated appearance and it made him want to curse out his entire existence, because he was responsible for that frown, for the salty tears that were threatening to spill from the eyes he adored so much. It made him feel so evil.
“Exer.” He croaked, any other words catching in his throat as he felt his chest heave in a sob. This was all so belittling.
“Day!” The call of his name caused David to startle. Exer moved closer, but his father raised his arm, signalling the boy to halt, which left Exer shooting a puzzled look at Mr.Campbell.
David could just about make out Harry’s next words. “I know you’re worried son, but we need to give him some space.” The statement laid so heavily on David’s conscience that he was afraid it would snap and he would fold into a void of guilt and shame. No matter how much he loved the two, he didn’t want them to come near him and that was the worst feeling in the entire universe. All the Campbell’s had ever done was make David feel as though he had a place where he belonged; and this is how he repays them? Making Mr.Harry feel like a monster? Being so afraid of everything, that even the slightest raise of Exer’s voice makes him jump? It was so unfair to them. They were having a nice conversation and he just had to have this pathetic break down over something as avoidable as spilling a drink. It was all so exhausting, it’s as if any possible grip he had on his mind was completely lost due to this one juvenile action. Now two of the most important people in his life would probably never look at him the same.
And now he was losing it again. Great.
The mere thought of how unbecoming this whole evening had been caused his breathing to slip back into the rugged pattern he had been plagued with just moments ago. He could feel himself beginning to zone out.
“Hey..hey David it’s okay. Do you mind if I got you to try something else?”
David shook his head, trying to remember how Harry had got him to breathe normally before. Anything to get him out of this state would be amazing right now.
“Okay, this may feel a little silly, but take a look around the room.”
So, David did, taking in every crevice and smooth surface. The room felt different to what it was when he was lost in his head. It felt as though he were back there. Back in that room and he could have sworn he even saw the small specks of blood, scattered in tiny pools against the hard floor. Red on beige in a sickening display of disconnection. His blood hitting the floor had signified the moment he realised that he was losing meaning to his father. He wondered if he had even seen him as human.
But seeing this room, the colours and contrasts, it reminded him that all of that
was in the past. He wasn’t actually there.
“That’s it David. Can you describe what you see?”
Okay, weird but he can do that.
“I- I can see the lights?”
Harry nodded in encouragement.
“Um…I can see the table. It’s oak? I think? Wait no…”
His voice was hoarse and he wasn’t really sure what he was meant to describe, so he just guessed. David was also going to ignore that “oak” was the only tree name he could remember right now.
“It’s okay. Keep going.” Harry chuckled softly.
“I can see the wallpaper..it’s pretty.”
As David continued reciting the things he could see, Harry took the glass from Exer holding it in the hand that was resting on his knee.
“Okay bud, name one last thing.”
Already feeling himself calming down, David’s head turned toward his favourite sight in the room. “Ex. I can see Exer.”
The guilt that he was becoming far too well acquainted with swirled around his stomach, once again, as he watched Exer wipe a tear from his cheeks, a sad smile forming as he rubbed his thumb across the palm of his hands. He did that when he was nervous.
“David..Am I okay to come near you? To give you your water?”
The thought still raised a million alarm bells in his head but he thought he should allow it either way. He couldn’t stay in this spot forever. But Mr.Harry must’ve caught his apprehension as he hadn’t moved yet.
“Do you want to come to me instead?”
And that sounded much better. “Um..yes please.”
Harry gestured for Exer to give him a hand up, both sharing a small smile as David stayed huddled against the wall, feeling uncertain about where to go. He was slightly taken aback by the man, who appeared even more imposing from his seated perspective.
That was until Harry pulled out a chair and gently placed the glass on the table. Taking his own seat a bit further down the room.
Exer seemed a little lost, offering a hand out toward David, head tilting slightly in a gesture to ask if he needed some help.
David wanted nothing more than to be able to take it, to feel Exer’s slightly rugged hand on top of his own. But after what just happened, it felt too scary. Touch had become strange for him. There were periods where even the lightest of touches would send him into a full on freak out, the sensations completely overwhelming him. Other times, he would simply yelp and jump a mile, having to remind himself who he is in the room with and who is and isn’t going to hurt him. In spite of that, he was usually fine with it if he knew it was coming and it was gentle; a touch that was easy to assess. It even felt nice if it was Exer or his family and there were occasions where he actually enjoyed it. Especially if he were the one to initiate it. Although his hair was the massive exception, as time passed and the anxiety settled, he became extremely sensitive about it. And following a single incident when Brenda attempted to brush a strand of hair from his eyes, almost prompting him to hit her out of reflex, he established a clear boundary with everyone: his hair was strictly hands-off."And that meant everyone. Exer had seemed pretty sad when he told him, but more so out of worry than anything else, other than that he took it very well and made sure David didn’t feel bad about it. Now that he thought back to it, he probably could’ve given some sort of explanation, so that they could understand, but he didn’t have it in him.
He couldn’t imagine how confusing it must’ve been for his boyfriend. Having had a very solitary parent, touch was something that David craved with every passing moment. William Miller wasn’t the type of guy to tell you he is proud of you and envelop you in a loving embrace. Quite the opposite actually. So David had to look for it in other places. In fact he was known as one of those people who let a hug linger on a bit too long, who gravitates towards other people and will jump at any chance to show physical affection, making others feel truly cherished and feeding the hunger inside him that often felt insatiable. However, that changed. It was like there were times where, no matter how badly he wanted it, he just couldn’t take it. So now he found himself avoiding it as much as he could, not wanting to take the gamble. From Exer’s perspective that must’ve been weird, they’d had eachother their whole lives and he was sure to pick up on these things. He wondered if Exer missed him. Missed how he was before all this, when it was easy to pretend.
Pushing off the floor and offering Exer an apologetic look for refusing his hand, David made his way over to the chair on shaky legs.
He took the cold glass in his hands and let out a sigh. The ice had melted at this point but it still offered an icy grounding relief that he had been missing. Exer took the seat next to his father, sitting opposite his boyfriend.
David continued to take small sips of the water before Harry spoke up cautiously.
“Do you want me to call your mom David?”
That was a question he did need to think about. As much as he was so unbelievably embarrassed, going home would mean addressing all of this and he really couldn’t handle his mother’s talks about therapy and restraining orders. He knew he’d have to tackle it at some point, but that was a worry for future David. Besides, Harry would be leaving soon and Exer always made David feel at peace.
“No…I still want to stay over. I can talk to her in the morning.”
“I really think you should. You don’t have to go through this alone.”
He wanted to laugh at that. Going through this alone was exactly what he wanted. Figuring this out on his own prevented anyone looking at him like he was broken, which he definitely was, but they don’t need to know that. Although he guessed they already did. Either way, he wasn’t going to wave it around in their faces, he couldn’t handle that.
Just knowing he had these people in his life who actually cared for him, no matter who he was, was enough. He turned to look at Exer, who’s eyebrows had still been knitted in concern, and smiled for what felt like the first time in hours. His fingers itched to reach out and take Exer’s hand in his own, but he knew it would be painful. So Instead, he found a foggy patch of condensation on his glass and used his pinky to draw a small heart onto its surface. Exer's smirk, as he spun the glass around, was all it took to stir the butterflies that had taken up residence in his stomach since the moment he first met Exer. They eagerly awaited any glimpse of the handsome boy to set them off, fluttering wildly.
Exer reached out to doodle his own heart, just above David’s.
The gesture made him want to sob all over again.
“It’s okay, I’m not alone.” Maybe that came out more watery than he had intended, but he truly meant it.
“Oh and..thank you Mr.Harry. For everything.” His voice was still coarse and unsteady, but he had to express his thanks. Mr. Campbell was the only window he had into what having a loving father could look like, he never wanted the man’s kindness to go unnoticed.
“Like I’ve said, you will always have a home here David.”