Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

A lot had changed for the boys of Big Time Rush since the release and huge success of their third album. They made the collective decision to take an indefinite break from touring and releasing albums instead opting to just release the occasional single. But also in that time Carlos had started a vlogging/stunts channel on YouTube where he discovered a new passion for directing and all things videography, Kendall and Jo got engaged, James was in a serious and committed relationship with Lucy, and Logan’s confidence—and hair—had grown significantly (which had made James feel a little sick at first since the brains of the group was actually cool now). It was all a lot to get used to; the boys were growing up and none of them really knew how to feel about it all just yet.

Alcohol certainly helped to ease their concerns though. They were all of legal drinking age now, with Carlos the last to join the club. 

They were out at a nightclub celebrating their youngest’s big day when suddenly Kendall got a call he never would have expected to get. They didn’t quite know it yet but, for better or worse, their already hectic lives were going to start spiraling even more out of control.

“Why the hell is Griffin calling me?”

The three other boys of the group leaned over the table of their round booth, eyeing their fourth’s phone screen suspiciously. 

“Dunno, you should probably answer it,” Carlos said, his speech slurred. “Must be important.”

“Definitely important,” Logan agreed, slipping his pink tinted oval shades back on.

James grabbed the table, he was feeling a little woozy all of a sudden but it wasn’t because of the drinks he’s had. So, maybe he wasn’t entirely over Logan’s new look yet, sue him.

Logan noticed the state James was now in right away so he grinned at him with his cheeky dimples and eyes glinting mischievously, and stole the shot he had completely ignored before knocking it back in one smooth sip.

“Oh, fuck you, Logan,”

“You wish, pretty boy.”

And there was another new thing that bothered James. Logan got flirty when he was drunk. James was supposed to be the smooth one of the four, it wasn’t fair. Logan used to be so nerdy and awkward, and that was post puberty, so what the hell happened to him in the past few years.

“You know what, man,”

“Oh, come on, what’s your issue now?”

“My issue is you, and your,”

“Guys,” Carlos said suddenly, breaking up James and Logan’s stupid argument. “I think Kenny’s broken or somethin’.”

The two older boys directed their attention back to Kendall who they now realized had never left the table to take the call. He was just staring blankly at his phone screen long after the ringing had ceased.

James, surprisingly being the most sober of the four, rolled his eyes and gently pushed Kendall out of the booth which was enough to snap him out of his weird trance. James told him to go outside and call Griffin back so they could figure out what was going on. Kendall just nodded, obediently rushing out of the club.

James was really starting to hate how weird things got when they were all drunk together.

Carlos was a lot more subdued which was incredibly disconcerting, Logan was extra cheeky and wild, Kendall just lost all ability to function normally, and somehow James was the most responsible one. James loved a good drink, of course he did being one half of the Hollywood Super Party Kings of Hollywood—you bet your ass he said Hollywood twice—but he’s starting to regret letting drinking become a new group activity. Especially now that Logan and Carlos were getting giggly and overly affectionate with each other. This sort of thing did happen pretty often so really James shouldn’t mind it so much; the four of them were brothers and they never subscribed to the whole toxic masculinity bullshit, not even before they moved to progressive Los Angeles. They were all close and comfortable enough with each other to do the things most people seemed to consider inherently romantic for whatever inane reason. To them it was all just familial love. But sometimes lines got a little blurred when alcohol was involved and Logan was definitely kissing Carlos's face a little too much for anyone’s liking right now. Carlos was bright red. He was also halfheartedly attempting to shove Logan away from him but James wouldn’t be all that surprised if he was at least a little serious.

“Hey, Loges, why don’t you and Carlos go dance while we wait for Kendall to get back?” James suggested, knowing it’d stop the uncomfortable 'flirting' thing they had going on.

“Kay,” Logan mumbled, then started tugging Carlos out of the booth. “Come on, Los, maybe we can get them to play your favorite song of ours for your birthday.”

“The city is ours!” Carlos sang, only slightly off key as he allowed Logan to guide him away from the table.

James chuckled as he watched them go with a fond look in his eyes. Crazy kids. He really wanted to join them, they were out to party and celebrate Carlos after all, but he was too busy worrying about Kendall being gone for so long. The drunk idiot had probably gotten lost somehow even though he only needed to go straight outside. Five more minutes and James was going to check on him.

Outside, Kendall was struggling to find Griffin’s contact so he could call him back (in his drunken haze, it never once dawned on him that he could just press his recent missed call notification to call the man back). At one point he was fumbling so much that he even dropped his phone entirely, causing some random club goer to laugh at him. Kendall cursed a bit too loudly as he reached down to retrieve the stupid thing.

“Kendall Knight?”

Kendall flinched, he hadn’t expected anyone to actually recognize him in the poor outdoor lighting (especially now that he was sporting the rather scruffy beard he rarely ever showed to the public). He looked over at the guy who was weirdly dressed a lot like Logan; baggy cargo pants, thin chain, more rings than probably necessary, a slightly more transparent jersey that wasn’t actually affiliated with any sports teams, even right down to the pastel high tops. He was smoking a joint. Or a rolled cigarette, Kendall couldn’t really be sure. The entire place reeked of both weed and tobacco smoke. He and the guy stared at each other for what could have only been five seconds max but it felt like an eternity in Kendall’s drunken state.

“Yeah?” Kendall eventually squeaked out then cleared his throat so he could speak a little more smoothly. “Yeah, what’s up?”

“Are you having some trouble there, man?” The guy asked, using his joint-cigarette-whatever to point to Kendall’s phone.

No, he was perfectly fine, strange dude that knew of Big Time Rush, thank you.

“I mean look, man, I get it. First couple times at a club or bar, you don’t really know your limit yet so you go a little overboard.” 

Kendall did not go overboard this time. He had maybe six shots total so far and he really was perfectly fine. He could hold his liquor. Stubborn as ever, Kendall pressed something on his phone and held it to his ear as he gave the dude a confident smirk.

He realized a second too late that he hadn’t actually looked at what contact he pressed.

“Honey? Is everything okay?”

So, maybe he had gotten a little too cocky.

How in the hell did he manage to call his mom? M and G were way too far apart in the alphabet for him to be making a silly mistake like that. Idiot.  

“Uh, yeah, everything’s good! Sorry, didn't mean to call you. Just gonna… hang up now.”

Now the guy was smirking at Kendall as he hastily hit the end call button. Smug bastard. Who did this guy think he was?

Wait. Actually, who was this guy and why did he look so familiar?

“Wait, who the fuck are you?”

Kendall didn’t actually want to ask this man that question outright, especially not so aggressively, but apparently his mouth and brain were not communicating tonight.

“Took you long enough. Thought you’d never recognize me.”

“That didn’t answer my question.”

“Obdul.”

Obdul? As in Griffin's assistant, or whatever the hell he was considered, Obdul? Well, this wasn’t good. Maybe. Probably. 

“Whoa, you look really different without your suit and briefcase. And the annoying old dude standing in front of you. Also still really not used to your voice. Hey, did you notice Logan started dressing cooler? You guys somehow have the same style which is kind of weird.”

Seriously, could Kendall’s brain please make his stupid mouth stop moving? He really needed to stop rambling.

Thankfully, Obdul just seemed amused by his drunk bullshit. He didn't give Kendall any reason to believe he was going to tell Griffin or Gustavo about how shitfaced he had gotten the night before an early music video shoot.

“Call Griffin back, Kendall. It’s important.”

“What the hell do you think I’ve been trying to do for the past like, ten minutes?”

Kendall and Obdul come to another odd standstill, the air thick with an unusual tension. They just stare at each other for another eternity before Obdul reaches for Kendall’s phone, asking if he can take it with vague gestures alone. Kendall just shrugged, handing it off. Then next thing he knows his phone is being pressed into his hand as it’s lifted up to his ear, the dial tone trilling quietly into it. Kendall gives Obdul what he hopes is an appreciative smile just as Griffin picks up.

“Kendall?”

“Griffin? What’s going on? Why’d you call me?”

“Are you inebriated?”

“Does it matter?”

“I suppose not,” 

There’s a weird, longer than necessary pause that made Kendall want to shout at the man. Why couldn’t he just get straight to the point?

“Are the boys with you?”

“Yes… No. Kind of? They’re not far. I can get them if you need them here for this.”

“No, that’s alright. You can fill them in later. I just wanted to be the first one to tell you this,”

Another pause, leaving Kendall in total suspense. If it was possible, he would throttle the man through the phone. He looks to Obdul hoping he could give him some sort of hint about what the hell was going on or just something. But he just shrugged, an apologetic look on his face. Unhelpful bastards, all of them.

“Kendall, Fujisaki has decided to shut our music division down to make room for his newer passion projects and I honestly can’t be bothered to fight for it. So, seeing as my second most lucrative branch will soon cease to exist, I’m stepping down as CEO of RCM CBT Globalnet Sanyoid. The entire corporation as you and I know it is coming to an end.”

What the fuck.

Kendall desperately wished his mouth would form a mind of its own again. He had to say something, anything for god’s sake, but no matter how much he tried nothing came out. He was utterly speechless.

“Honestly, the majority of our branches haven’t really been profitable enough to stay afloat anymore. We’re losing money everyday. And I like money. So, I’ve decided it’s time to cut my losses, and get out before the whole company goes under. Sorry, but this is the end of Big Time Rush.”

No, this was bullshit. Damn Griffin, damn Fujisaki. Those stupid greedy bastards didn’t care about anything that truly mattered. Kendall didn’t care if they had a business to think of. He had a band of brothers and an entire community of fans to think of, AKA the things that truly mattered.

“No, fuck that, Griffin. I don’t accept that. Big Time Rush can’t end.”

“I’m afraid there’s nothing you can do about it. You boys may be the faces and voices of BTR but you don’t actually own the rights.”

“Then we’ll buy the fucking rights. Work out a deal with us. We’ll do it."

Oh, so now he was just talking. But fuck it, this wasn’t the alcohol in his system or his mouth ignoring his brain, he knew what he was saying this time. He meant every word. They weren’t just going to give up. They were going to fight for this band, even if it killed them. Okay, so maybe that was the alcohol speaking, that was just a tad dramatic. He was still serious about the whole thing though. If Big Time Rush was a sinking ship they were going down with it like any good captains should, but then they would do everything in their power to salvage it. Even if that meant crashing onto the shore of a deserted island and surviving off of limited resources for a while. Their journey was far from over. 

There’s a shrill, mocking laugh on the other end of the call and Kendall had never been more tempted to throw his phone down onto the concrete and smash it to pieces. Griffin was the world’s biggest douchebag.

“With what money, Kendall? You’re lucky if your new singles earn you five hundred bucks in a month. Let’s be honest with ourselves here. Big Time Rush was already on its way out anyway.”

Kendall grits his teeth, as much as he wanted to shout out some colorful profanities and defend his band he decided that it was best to just ignore Griffin’s harsh words. 

“Don’t underestimate us, Griffin. You know we always figure something out. We always get our way against you.”

“Well, I wish you luck with this endeavor, Kendall. You will certainly need it.”

Kendall hung up without another word. He was actually about to smash his phone against the sidewalk but a hand around his wrist stops him. He looks up to find Obdul giving him another one of those apologetic looks and Kendall swears he’s never felt so pathetic.

“What are you guys going to do?”

“We’re going back on tour. The fans will help us get out of this mess. They won’t just give up on us.”

There’s a note of finality in Kendall’s voice as they both stand there and let his words soak in so really the conversation should have just been left there, but there’s something else he needs to say. There are important questions he needs to ask.

“Hey, you're probably out of a job now, right?”

Obdul raises a single brow at Kendall, pure confusion evident on his face. Kendall gives him a minute, allowing him to process the question. Another eternity passes and Kendall wants to swear off drinking forever. He should be sober for this. 

“Yeah, a bunch of us got laid off.”

Selfish bastards. Fujisaki totally—probably—could have just given those employees different positions in the company, right? What was letting them go even going to accomplish? Why didn’t anyone at the top seem to care? People’s entire livelihoods were at stake here for god’s sake. Kendall himself would just have to try something, even if that meant he could only help a few of them. A few was better than none. Little victories.

“Wanna take a chance on us, and join our team?”

“Kendall, you’re drunk,”

“I’m serious. Come on, Obdul, it’s the only life you got?”

All of the hesitation Obdul may have been feeling vanishes suddenly and he laughs once he realizes what exactly Kendall just said. 

“Gotta live it big time.”

If his bandmates were with them they would definitely be cringing and making fun of Kendall for setting that up but Kendall had always been serious about that particular line. It was a little corny, sure, but it was true and it had gotten them this far. It was what started it all, in fact.

“So?”

Obdul takes a minute to think over Kendall’s offer. Kendall thinks he might lose his last shred of sanity if he’s ever forced into long stretches of silence again.

Finally, just as Kendall’s about to freak out, “Alright, man, I’m in.” Obdul accepts.

Kendall and Obdul seal the deal with a firm and friendly handshake. It felt weird. A new chapter—hell, a whole new book—of their lives was about to start, just like that. It felt like he was back in Minnesota again, making a risky deal with a grouchy producer in the parking lot of his minimum wage job to turn him and his best friends into superstars. Only this time, they would be in control. Everything they had come to know on this crazy Hollywood adventure was about to change forever.

After bidding farewell to their new team member Kendall marched right back into the club, the wall shaking music now sounding muffled to his ears. He vaguely recognized the song that was currently playing as one of their own though, and well, Kendall was going to take that as a sign that he was on the right path.

“Where are Carlos and Logan?”

Kendall didn’t really mean for that to be the first thing he said to a very clearly distressed James once he reached their table again, but he couldn’t very well just drop the huge news he had like it was nothing right then either. And asking if he was okay would just be pointless; he clearly wasn’t but he would just lie about it and change the subject. They could talk later if James really needed to. So, Kendall was just going to keep letting his mouth do its own thing for now, whatever got him through this strange night.

James raises the hand that was holding a new drink, tequila was Kendall’s guess, and points to the dance floor. Kendall looked over to find Logan continuously twirling Carlos around just at the edge of the jam-packed crowd as they both sang and made goofy faces at each other.

“Dude, he’s going to make him puke, or pass out or something,”

“I don’t know, man, they’ve been at this same shit for like fifteen minutes now. So far, so good.”

“Okay, is the DJ remixing ‘Time of Our Life’ right now, or am I losing it?”

“Oh, yeah, Logie used his fame and pretty privilege on the DJ. They’re playing our shit for the rest of the night. Yet I’m the conceited one.”

“Pretty privilege?” Kendall asked, smirking at James. “Never thought I’d hear the JD Mond admit that any of us have pretty privilege.”

“Fuck off, and tell me what took you so long. What did Griffin want?”

Well, that was an instant mood killer. This was not going to be an easy conversation. 

“James…”

Kendall trails off, and tries to avoid James as he attempts to meet his eyes. The sudden change in Kendall’s tone and demeanor seems to sober James right up. He places his drink down so he can grab Kendall’s hand and then pulls him onto the spot right beside him in the booth. James doesn’t let go of Kendall’s hand once he’s seated though and that almost makes him want to cry. Stupid James with his stupid ability to pick up on people’s need for stupid comfort.

“What is it, dude? What’s wrong?”

“Ugh, we can’t talk about this right now. We’re all drunk, and we all need to be here for it, and fuck we’re supposed to be having fun right now, man. It’s Carlos's twenty-first birthday for fuck’s sake. Stupid Griffin just had to swoop in and ruin everything.”

Suddenly, all the initial rage Kendall had felt comes rushing back, leaving him feeling a bit dizzy. Kendall clutched his head with both hands, reluctantly pulling out of James’s grasp to do so in a feeble attempt to quell the dull ache growing behind his eyes. 

“Ruin everything? You’re not just talking about Carlos's party anymore, are you?”

“Jamie,” Kendall whined, sounding oh so pathetic and Kendall hated it. He didn’t want to talk about this. He didn't want it to be real. He just wanted to have fun with his best friends and let their youngest have his first real party experience with no issues and he just wanted things to be normal. “Everything’s falling apart.” Kendall whispers the last of his whining and he’s not even really sure if James could hear him over the pulsating bass line of their own stupid song but he can’t find it in himself to care. 

“Alright, fuck this. I’m closing our tab. You just stay right here, buddy,” James commanded softly, already sliding out of the booth. “When I come back we can go grab Carlos and Logan together and get out of here, okay?”

“Kay,” Kendall replied softly, resting his head on his arms as they splayed across the table. “Gonna stay right here.”

Kendall feels James run his hand through his hair once he’s standing but within seconds it’s gone and he knows he’s alone. Alone with his stupid racing thoughts. Luckily for him and maybe unluckily for James the pretty boy left his drink at the table. Kendall lifts it with shaky hands and takes a quick swig. The drink burns more than any of the others had, it feels like swallowing bile that tried to come up, but he can’t bring himself to care about that either. It’s enough to quiet his mind, even for just a moment. 

Yet another eternity passes, this time with Kendall’s entire life flashing before his eyes like he’s dying—and who knows maybe he is—but then James is back at the table and pulling Kendall up to stand next to him.

“Come on, bud. Let’s go get our idiots out of here before they start fighting or do some other crazy shit that’ll get us kicked out.”

It was a little weird how easy it was to completely flip Kendall’s mood in just a matter of seconds but if anyone could do it, it was definitely his best friends (his brothers). James was right; Carlos and Logan were definitely their idiots (even though Logan was the smartest of them), and yeah he was a little surprised those two in particular hadn't started any arguments at all tonight—they definitely pissed each other off the most (Kendall can’t even count how many times they’ve had to separate them over the years)—and he was very surprised that none of them had done anything to get them all kicked out and banned from this club yet. They did have a rather impressive record of different places they’ve all been temporarily and permanently banned from, both in Minnesota and California. Kendall didn’t really feel like adding another place to the list though. Yeah, they should get out while they could still choose to.

James guided Kendall over to the dance floor, a silent plan forming between the both of them. James snuck up behind Logan, wrapping his arms around his chest and holding him close. Kendall did just about the same to Carlos except he covered his eyes with his hands. 

Logan instantly leaned his head back against James's chest with a dopey grin on his face while Carlos yelped in surprise and tried to pry the hands off his face. Kendall allowed him to, but he slipped his fingers between Carlos's before he could even think of letting go. He then pulled him back against his chest, putting them in almost the same position as James and Logan.

“Come on, Los, we gotta go,” Kendall said into Carlos's ear so he could hear him over the music—still their music—and started tugging him backwards.

“Why?” Carlos whined loudly, turning around in Kendall’s arms. He looked up at him with his signature pout and wide tear filled eyes as his hands came up to rest on the taller boy’s chest. He then stretched up the slightest bit on his tippy toes so he could continue speaking into Kendall’s ear, suddenly remembering it was too difficult to hear each other if they just spoke normally. “It’s my birthday. I wanna hang out with my best buds all night.”

“Ya know, I don’t think it even is your birthday anymore,” Kendall teased, pulling out his phone to show Carlos the time: 12:43am. “Yep, thought so. Come on, Litos, we can all go snuggle up in the living room, and have the rest of the cake.”

“Can we play games too? Like drinking games? They seem fun.”

Kendall laughed at that; a full hearty laugh for a good minute, and for a moment he forgot that he was ever mad. Their sweet little Carlitos just had that effect on people.

“Sure, for a bit,” Kendall promised, but then his expression changed to something much darker which seemed to startle poor unaware Carlos. “But then once we’re all sobered up we need to have a serious talk. All four of us. It can’t be put off.”

Poor Carlos looked terrified now, and Kendall wanted nothing more than to take that fear away. Maybe he should have rephrased his little announcement, maybe he should have made it sound a little less like he was going to be giving them some earth shattering news even though he was. Kendall just knew they would come out on the other side of this better than ever though. They could conquer anything together, and have many times before. 

Kendall is quick to reassure Carlos, “Hey, it’s okay, Los, it’s nothing we can’t handle. We’re in this together, yeah?”

“Kay, if you say so,” Carlos mumbled sadly and Kendall couldn’t have that either. 

“Big Time Rush?” Kendall asked, gently poking Carlos's sides to make him smile.

“Big Time Rush,” Carlos agreed in a playfully lackluster voice, attempting to swat Kendall’s hands away. “You stupid dork.”

“Ah, I’m your stupid dork though.”

“Our stupid dork.”

“Don’t ever forget it, baby!”

Kendall ceased his minor tickle attack and brought his arms around Carlos's shoulders so he could just hug him properly for a minute. He starts to rock them side to side when Carlos leans further into his touch and Kendall thinks he would give anything to be able to stay in this moment forever. Right now, with his best friends in his arms and at his side, nothing could hurt them. They—as corny as it was—were ‘Untouchable’. Hell, if they stayed just like this, these geeks freaks and wannabes probably would rule the world someday. Love really is all you need.

Okay, even Kendall had a limit with using their song lyrics for serious situations. He was definitely reaching that limit now. They really needed to get out of this stuffy club so Kendall could get out of his ridiculous head. 

Kendall turns slightly to see that James was also rocking himself and Logan side to side just like Kendall had been with Carlos except he was still holding him from behind. He was saying something into his ear, also just like Kendall had done moments ago. Kendall doesn’t say anything, he just smiles as he watches them finish their hushed conversation then looks back down at Carlos as he starts walking him towards the exit where Freight Train was likely waiting for them all. They’re only just making it off the dance floor when James and Logan fall into step beside them. Logan and Carlos immediately latch onto each other with James and Kendall still holding onto the both of them so they all end up struggling to walk without tripping each other up but it doesn’t matter because they’re giggling like the drunken idiots they are and for a moment everything was normal. 

“Hey, I’m driving, guys. I can definitely drive right now. I’m gucci,”

“No, Logan.”

Well, almost normal.

Surprisingly, there weren’t too many paparazzi or fans waiting for them outside of the club so they got by with just Freight Train guiding them through the small crowd of people just fine. They never stopped moving but they did allow themselves to reach out and grab some fans’ hands for a few seconds. They were all smiles and giggles as they made their way into the van their bodyguard had brought them in. 

The ride back to The Palm Woods however was a stark contrast of silence and tension as Carlos dozed on Logan’s shoulder. Everyone knew something was up but no one wanted to be the first to start the conversation. 

The weirdness didn’t last long though. The club thankfully wasn’t too far from home so they were able to quickly escape the confines of the van before any awkwardness could fully fester between them all. Logan, however, doesn’t let Carlos get very far just yet. He sits on the edge of the seat just as he’s getting out after James and Kendall, and instructs him to get on his back since he was decidedly the drunkest of them all. He’d never make it up to their apartment on his own.

The boys don’t bother taking the elevator, figuring it would take too long and they would probably pass out if they had to stay still for more than a minute. So, they all pile into the stairwell, and manage to make it up the two flights just fine even with Logan slightly struggling to carry Carlos's weight.

The most struggle they run into is Kendall fumbling with his key card once they finally reach the door to 2J. 

“Buddy,” James chided, gently taking the key from Kendall’s hands. “Relax.”

Kendall curses under his breath, but he lets James take over the duty of getting the door unlocked and he does so swiftly. James holds the door open, ushering the three boys in and helping them make their way towards the orange sectional before he goes back to shut and lock it. Logan unceremoniously drops Carlos down onto the couch from his back making him cross his arms across his chest and let out a petulant whine. Logan apologizes with an arm around his shoulder and a quick kiss to his forehead as he plops down next to him.

“I’m hungry,” Carlos whined, just as James made his way back over to them. He gives him pleading eyes that he of course could never say no to. “Kendall said we could have more cake.”

“Oh, did he now?” 

James and Kendall give each other amused looks, making Carlos pout. Apparently, they were the parents of the group when they were all drunk.

“I sure fuckin’ did,”

“Thank god. Cake is like all I can think about right now.”

They were fun parents though. 

Their small exchange puts a goofy smile right back onto Carlos's face so James quickly skips over to the fridge to pull out the chocolate cake from their pregame celebration earlier in the night. He doesn’t bother getting plates, he just grabs four forks from the drawer then joins his boys on the couch and passes one to each of them. 

“I love you guys so much.” Carlos said just before digging into the cake and shoving a rather large chunk of it into his mouth.

The other boys laugh and go on to take considerably smaller bites as they all sit back and just take a moment to think over their long day and all of the strange emotions that went along with it.

Kendall looked over at each of his boys, wondering how in the hell he was going to break the news he had gotten from Griffin and how the discussion about the decision he had made on his own would go. Talking about such serious things with his bandmates wasn’t an easy task by any means. He didn’t want to hurt them or be the cause of their anger. It would tear him up inside.

Logan looked at each of them, wondering how he had gotten so damn lucky. If he had never moved to Minnesota from Texas he would probably be alone forever. He was now forever grateful for the move that had been so hard at the time because it gave him the family he never thought he’d get to have. He hoped that whatever was going on with them tonight wouldn't be enough to break them apart. They’d been through too much together already. He couldn’t lose them now.

Carlos looked at each of them, wondering just how much longer this bliss would last. Everything during these past few years, despite all of the many downs they’ve had alongside their ups, had been so incredibly perfect. It was bound to blow up in their faces eventually, right? Normally he wouldn’t be so pessimistic, but he had a sick feeling that tonight was the night where it would all go downhill.

James looked at each of them, wondering how it was possible to love people that weren’t himself so damn much. Most people thought he was just vain and selfish because he was confident about his looks and his talents but he couldn’t possibly be anything of the sort when he had brothers he loved so much that it physically hurt him to be away from them or to see them hurting. He just really hoped he wouldn’t be feeling any of that particular pain tonight. He had a funny feeling he would be. 

Then they all looked at each other after a while, and immediately burst into giggles at the ridiculously solemn looks on their faces.

Everything would be fine. 

“Party’s not over yet, boys,” Logan said, passing out opened beers to each of them. He then opened his own with one of his rings and took a quick swig. “Just getting started actually.”

“You’re a nightmare when you’re drunk.” Kendall said, pressing his bottle to his forehead.

“He’s a nightmare all the time now,” James corrected. “I don’t know what the hell happened to him, but he’s like a mini me. Like, seriously, looking at him is like looking into a mirror, and I’ve never hated looking into a mirror until now.”

Logan snorts and gives James a grin with a bit of a crazed glint in his eye. James did not like that look. 

“I’ll tell you what happened to me, Jamie,” Logan said, his voice sounding a little crazed as well. The dude was officially going off the deep end and it was too late to save him. “Stress. Anxiety. Elevated,” Logan pauses, giving each of them a warning look, but also daring them to make the song reference. “Blood pressure. Our finances. Other adult bullshit. I was sick of being the most timid and mature one of us, and it was actually starting to affect my health. I just needed a change, man.”

“So, you decided to do a full one-eighty, and change your entire personality? And your style?”

“I’m still me, guys,” Logan said and now there was an upsetting edge to his voice. The boys really did not like that. “I still like reading and studying, I still wanna be a doctor someday, I still like playing hockey and goofing off with you idiots, I’m still gonna try to keep you guys safe when you do your stupid stunts and drag me into your crazy schemes. I just… chilled out a bit, ya know? I feel better about myself now.”

“Well, I like this new confident era, Logie,” Carlos said, clinking his bottle against Logan’s. “It suits you.”

“Thanks, Los.” Logan whispered, clinking the bottle back. 

“Hey, I don’t actually hate this new thing you’ve got going on,” James said defensively. “It’s just been hard to get used to, is all. I’m glad you’re finally seeing just how cool you really are, man.”

“Thank you, James. That means a lot, really.”

“Well, since we’re getting all deep all of a sudden we might as well have some fun with it,” Kendall said, sitting up to better face each of the boys. “Any game ideas?”

“Well, there’s the classics like ‘most likely to’ and ‘never have I ever’? Could be fun.” Logan suggested.

“Sure, but let’s spice it up a bit. There’s gotta be some other good games. Look some up.” Kendall said, pointing to where Logan’s phone was resting on his lap. 

Logan did as he was told and a minute later he was smirking down at his phone screen. Kendall was now starting to regret all of the life choices that had led him to this very moment.

“Paranoia sounds interesting.”

“Paranoia? Sounds terrifying,” Kendall muttered, leaning over Logan’s shoulder to read the game’s description. “Yeah, I don’t know about that one, Loges… That one could lead to a lot of arguments,” Kendall really needed all of them to be on good terms for their serious discussion later. “Maybe we shouldn’t spice things up. Bad idea.”

“Boo, you’re boring, bitch.” James said, flinging a random cake crumb in Kendall’s direction.

Kendall watched as it landed on his shirt and didn’t bother to remove it. He just looked back up at James, giving him a blank stare.

“Carlos agrees with me. Don’t you, Carlos?”

“W-What?” Carlos sputtered, looking back and forth between James and Kendall. “No fair. I don’t even know what this game is.”

Logan chuckled, turning his phone towards Carlos so he could read the rules. Carlos squinted his eyes in concentration, it was a bit hard to read small words on a bright screen in his slowly fading but definitely still prominent drunken haze. He had to keep scanning the words over and over again as he was really struggling to grasp the whole concept but he got the gist of it eventually. That was good enough for him. He’d catch on if they did decide to play.

James noticed his struggles though and he also wanted to know what this game was so he decided to just read the rules out loud, “Pick someone to be the starter. That person whispers a question about the group into the ear of the person on their left, for example, “Who would you never live with?”. The person who was asked the question replies out loud with their answer. If the person whose name was spoken—or anyone curious—wants to know what the question was, they take a drink. The person who said the name can either choose to respond or take a drink instead.”

“I dunno, seems fine to me,” Carlos said, shrugging. “What’s the worst that could happen? I mean, really?”

James, Kendall, and Logan all gave each other looks, knowing exactly what the worst that could happen was. 

“Fine,” Kendall conceded. “But we’re saving it for later. Let’s start nice and easy with ‘most likely to’ and ‘never have I ever’, okay?” 

Shrugging, they all silently agree. 

“We should get shots for the games though. Beer’s not gonna cut it.” Logan pointed out, already standing to grab everything they needed.

Kendall groaned, attempting to throw a pillow at the back of Logan’s head but it fell short as he was barely able to hold it up at the moment. Logan laughed at him, somehow just sensing what Kendall had tried to do. He was like a scary teacher or a mom; he had eyes in the back of his head. 

“Fuck off, pretty boy number two.”

“While I appreciate the backhanded compliment,” Logan said, returning with a whole fucking tray of shot glasses and a bottle of something that nobody cared enough about to properly check. It was liquor, that’s all they needed to know. “I’m not fucking off until we’re all thoroughly fucked.”

Kendall’s eyebrows shot up at Logan’s phrasing so the pretty genius rolls his eyes and nudges his legs off the couch so he can sit in between him and Carlos. 

“Fucked up, you idiot. Shitfaced, hammered, intoxicated, wasted, sloshed, plastered, I can keep going,”

“Please, god, do not,” James begged, taking the bottle of whatever the fuck Logan grabbed from him so he could pour their shots. “We get it, man, you’re a walking torvosaurus or whatever.”

“Thesaurus,” Logan corrected, giving James a ‘what the fuck’ look. “You idiot.”

James doesn’t respond, he just gives Logan an ‘I don’t give a fuck’ look, so that was the end of that.

“Anyway,” Kendall said. “Who’s going first?”

“Birthday boy should go first.” James replied, carefully sliding the tray of shots to the middle of the coffee table. 

“That means I have to think,” Carlos complained, an adorably serious look on his face. “I hate thinking.”

“We know, bud,” Logan joked, patting his shoulder in mock comfort. “We know.”

“Go ‘way,” Carlos muttered, lightly shoving Logan away. “I got one. Who’s most likely to get arrested?”

James and Carlos immediately point to Kendall while Kendall and Logan point to Carlos.

“Why me?” Carlos asked, dumbfounded. “Papi’s a cop! He would kill me if I ever got arrested.”

“No, exactly, your dad’s a cop, and you're an idiot,” Logan said. “He can just like sense when you’re doing some reckless, probably illegal shit.”

“That doesn’t even make any sense,”

“Does too,”

“Does not!”

“Does,”

James smacked Logan on the back of his head, effectively ending his childish argument with Carlos, “Knock it off, you two,” He scolded as he glared at the both of them. Their seemingly harmless childish arguments always led to more serious ones if they weren’t stopped right away.

“He started it,” Carlos grumbled, crossing his arms.

“Did not!”

“Did too!”

This time James smacked Carlos on the back of his head to shut them up.

“And now I’m ending it. Shut up before I separate you guys.”

“Fine.” Carlos and Logan said at the same time. James smiled approvingly at them and patted both of their heads which of course just had them attempting to swat his hand away. 

“Okay, now that you idiots are done, why me?” Kendall asked, whining a bit.

“Ha, are you serious?” James replied. “You have anger issues, my guy. I’m honestly a little surprised you haven’t been arrested yet.”

“I don’t have fucking anger issues, James. Logan’s the one with anger issues here! I’m changing my answer.”

“Dude.”

“…Okay, so, maybe I have some anger issues,”

“Just shut up and take your shots, ya losers,” James said, handing Kendall two shots while Logan handed Carlos his two which had Kendall giving James a look. “What? You don’t get to actually change your answer.”

“But it’s fucking true!”

“Chill out, Kendall,” Logan cut in as he placed a hand on Kendall’s arm, a weak attempt to keep him calm. “It’s like, actually not that serious.”

“Whatever.”

Kendall and Carlos each knock both of their shots back quickly, making mildly disgusted faces at the bitter taste.

“Good boys,” Logan praised a little too seriously, immediately earning double smacks to the face with pillows. “Yeah, I deserved that.”

“Anyway, let’s keep going to the left,” James started but was immediately cut off by Carlos mumbling their lyrics, “to the left, left, left,” under his breath. James put a hand over his mouth so he couldn’t continue. “Shut up, it's my turn. So, who’s most likely to take a body shot off a stranger?”

Kendall points to Logan, Logan points to James, James points to himself, and Carlos doesn’t point to anybody. He just looks confused.

“What’s a body shot?”

Kendall tried not to laugh, he really tried, but the question was just so innocent. Carlos wasn’t completely innocent nor was he stupid but sometimes he just genuinely didn’t know certain things and it was a little adorable.

“What’s so funny?” Carlos asked defensively, only managing to make Kendall laugh harder.

Logan turned to hit Kendall on the arm but he too was failing miserably at holding in his laughter. James rolled his eyes at the two before leaning down to whisper the answer Carlos wanted to him. Carlos's eyes seemed to widen as each word was said and that was enough to send Logan over the edge.

“Oh,” Carlos said, ignoring the laughing idiots. “Then James probably.”

“That’s three shots for you, Jamie boy,” Kendall teased through his giggles. “And one for Logiebear.”

James shrugged, easily downing the three shots like they were nothing. 

“Can someone just pour mine down my throat?” Logan asked, looking over at James. “I’m fuckin’ beat.”

“I’m not your servant,” James deadpanned, but he was picking up a shot for him anyway. “Open up, sweetheart. Okay, don’t laugh at that, you moron, you’re gonna fucking choke.”

Logan took a deep breath, trying to control his laughter. Once he was sure he would stay calm he laid his head back against the cushions and stuck his tongue out.

“You’re an idiot,” James chided, but he poured the shot into Logan’s mouth anyway. Most of it spilled down his chin, but he kept whatever he did get in the back of his throat for a bit and gurgled it before finally swallowing it down. “Yep, never doing that again.”

“You love me.”

“Sometimes,”

“Shut up, dickheads,” Kendall interrupted. “My turn.”

Logan lazily turned his head to face Kendall so Kendall looked him dead in the eyes as he asked his question, “Who’s most likely to take a body shot off a close friend?”

Logan grins cheekily at Kendall and Kendall smirks right back. If an outsider watched this interaction they would probably assume the two idiots had actually done body shots off each other at some point or even just that they wanted to but the truth was that this was just how they all messed with each other. It was hilarious, to them at least.

“I probably would,” Logan confessed, his breath mingling with Kendall’s with how close they were. Kendall snorted and gently pushed his face away. 

“But not with you guys.”

“Lame,” James muttered. To Logan and Kendall he was clearly joking just as Logan had been, but poor Carlos looked alarmed. James laughed and patted Carlos's knee as he looked into his eyes to be sure he believed his next words. “I’m kidding, Los.”

“I know,” Carlos replied, crossing his arms yet again. “Just shut up, and figure out who’s taking shots. I’m saying Kendall’s most likely to.”

“Huh?”

“Am I wrong?”

“No. Maybe. I don’t know. Shut up.”

Everyone laughs and Logan cuts in with some more cheeky bullshit, “I say we all just take a shot. This game is getting boring already.”

“Fine by me,” Carlos said, not waiting for anyone else to agree. He picked up another shot and downed it in two slow gulps. “Ugh, this shit is so gross.”

Carlos doesn’t notice but James, Logan, and Kendall all freeze in shock. 

“Since when do you curse?” Kendall asked since he was the first to recover, looking over at Carlos like he just committed a heinous crime, which was a little ridiculous, but he was caught off guard, sue him. 

“Have for a while,” Carlos replied, shrugging. “I just only really ever do it when I’m alone. Guess it just slipped out. Oh, well.” 

The others are satisfied enough with that answer so they each pick up their own shots and clink their glasses together before knocking them back.

“Okay, ‘never have I ever’ next?” Kendall asked.

“Yeah, and then Paranoia,” Logan said, smirking over at Kendall. “I can’t wait.”

“I hate you.”

“Yeah, yeah. Hey, Carlitos, go first again.”

“Kay,” Carlos said, taking a second to think. “Never have I ever… Um, had a… dream about a friend.”

“Like a wet dream?” James asked, snorting at Carlos's insistence to be vague.

“Yeah.”

To everyone’s surprise, James doesn’t take a shot, but Logan does. They all turn to look at him with wide eyes, startling him a bit.

“What? Camille and I were friends before we started dating.”

“That doesn’t count!” Carlos shouted, just a tad too loudly. Kendall shushed him so he started to whisper. “I meant like a friend, friend. Not a friend you already had a crush on.”

“Oh, then no. I haven’t.”

The boys let out a collective sigh of relief but unfortunately this puts that crazed glint back into Logan’s eyes and another cheeky grin on his face. The stupid bastard was pretending that their relief was disappointment. Oh, brother.

“What’s wrong? Were you guys hoping it was one of you?”

“No. Gross.” Kendall and James reply at the same time. Carlos just looks down and shakes his head rather violently so of course Logan targets him and messes with him further.

“What’s wrong, Carlitos?” Logan lilts, moving his right hand to Carlos's chin. He presses his fingers lightly into Carlos's skin just before tilting his head towards him so he would look up at him. “Was your ‘never have I ever’ a lie? Have you dreamt about me before? It’s okay, you can tell me.”

“No! Shut up, you idiot,” Carlos snaps, but there’s still a playful edge to his voice. “I’m gonna get my camera back out and use all of the footage in this week’s vlog if you don’t knock it off.”

“Boys,” James said, warning them to stop. They, of course, don't listen. James just sighs and sits back to enjoy the show. “Here we go,”

“Do it. You won’t,” Logan challenged Carlos, watching his every move as he got up. “You won’t.”

“I will!” Carlos whisper-shouted from across the room, rummaging through his backpack for the handheld tripod that held his vlogging camera. As soon as he had it in his grasp he flipped the screen toward himself, and started recording. And like a switch was flicked, he easily slipped into his vlogging persona. “Hey, guys, what’s up, how you doing? It’s past midnight here but the guys and I are still celebrating my birthday. It’s been so much fun. Well, actually it was up until this point. Logan is being a freakin’ idiot right now so I’m trying to chill him out by putting him on the spot.”

Logan jumps up and Kendall tries to catch him before he can make his way over to Carlos but Logan is and always has been too fast for him. 

“Stay away from me, Logan,” Carlos warns, watching Logan on his screen as he approaches him from behind. Logan doesn’t listen, of course, he just kneels on the floor beside Carlos and wraps his arms around his torso, his chin resting on his shoulder. “Logan.”

“Ooh, yeah, say my name, baby,”

“You are actually so stupid. I hope you know that.”

“Stupid for you,” Logan says flirtily, staring at Carlos on the camera’s screen. When Carlos meets his eyes in their reflection he grins and plants an obnoxiously long kiss on his cheek. Carlos smiles, he can’t help it, but he shakes his head too. “You’re a cutie.” Logan continues, now pinching the cheek he just kissed.

“Yeah, keep talking, bud. I’m keeping all of this in.”

“Even this?”

“What are you,”

“Oh, Carlitos,” Logan jokingly moans right into Carlos’s ear. “So good, baby.”

In the background, Kendall could be heard groaning out of frustration and probably secondhand embarrassment and James could be heard laughing so hard that he might actually die. A second later, Kendall yelled out, “This is borderline incestuous,” to which James clapped back with, “Oh, please. You’re so much worse than he is, Knight,” and that had Logan bursting into laughter as well. Carlos, meanwhile, was giving the camera a murderous glare. He was really starting to hate his so-called 'best friends'.

“I’m not editing any of this out.”

“Yes, you are.”

“I’m not. This is all staying in.”

“No, it’s not,”

“You did this to yourself, bro!”

“You know what, fine, give the Cargan shippers what they want.” Logan said, winking at the camera lens. 

Carlos freezes, his growing blush tints his golden cheeks with the darkest rosy hue it could but thankfully Logan doesn’t seem to notice. Carlos would probably end up killing him for real if he did.

“Yeah, okay, that's enough of that. I’m just gonna go ahead and end the vlog right here. See you next week, guys.”

Just as Carlos goes to end the recording, Logan blows a kiss at the lens and winks with a loud tongue click. Carlos shakes his head yet again and rolls out of Logan’s grasp.

“Let’s play Paranoia now,” Logan said as he jumped up and started dragging Carlos back toward the couch by his arms. “Come on, Los, get up.”

Carlos places his camera back into his bag then plants his feet firmly onto the floor so Logan can’t pull him so easily.

“Let go of me, jerk-face.” 

“I’ll never let go, Los,”

“Logan,” Carlos groaned and looked over at Kendall and James, silently pleading for help. 

“I’m gonna punch you, Loges.”

“Alright, Logan, let him go before this escalates,” Kendall said, jumping up to grab Logan by his arm. “We can’t have you two actually pissing each other off right now.”

Logan dramatically spun out of Kendall’s hold, putting his hands up in surrender. 

“Fine, fine,”

“Thank you.”

“But I’m not holding back with this game. I’m gonna be ruthless and you all just have to deal with it.”

Deciding to ignore Logan completely, Kendall offers Carlos his hand to help him off the floor. Carlos graciously accepts the assistance with a warm smile and allows Kendall to lead him back to the couch just as Logan was sitting back down.

Kendall plops down right next to Logan, still holding onto Carlos’s hand. Just as Carlos is about to sit next to him Kendall tugs him down into his lap instead, making him yelp. 

“Kendall!”

“Sorry, not sorry.”

Carlos just huffs, accepting his fate.

“Can we just get this stupid game over with already? I’m tired,”

“This was your idea, Logan, you go first.” James said, handing each of them a shot in case they needed it.

Logan grinned at Kendall since he was the person to his left he was the person he would be asking the first question to. Kendall glared back at him, trying in vain to hide his obvious concern. 

Logan ignored this, and placed his hands over Carlos’s ears so he couldn’t hear his whisper to Kendall.

“If you could only save one of us from being killed, who would you choose?”

Fuck. Logan really wasn’t holding back. That was an impossible question to answer. Kendall would sooner let himself die than let any of his brothers die.

“Seriously, Loges? You know I can’t actually answer that,” Kendall said, pulling Logan’s hands off of Carlos.

“Too bad. You gotta pick one of us. That’s the game.” 

“Ugh. Then Carlos I guess. I don’t know. I don't like this stupid fucking game.”

Logan grinned even wider at Kendall, probably enjoying tormenting him. To his annoyance, James and Carlos drank their shots and gave him curious looks. Kendall just rolled his eyes and took his own shot then a sip of his beer. No way in hell was he telling them what his question was. He’d rather get blackout drunk than deal with that mess.

“My turn,” Kendall muttered, roughly shoving Logan away before leaning in to whisper to Carlos. “Who do you think is the best singer in the group? Can’t say yourself.”

Carlos audibly gulped, clearly scared to answer Kendall’s question. Kendall smirked at him but his eyes conveyed a more apologetic look as he gently caressed his bicep with his thumb, hoping it was a comforting gesture.

“Um, Logan,” Carlos muttered, eyes downcast. 

Logan smirks at him with an inquisitive twinkle in his eye and a single raised brow but he refrains from taking his shot. Seeing this from his peripheral Carlos glances at him with a shy smile then turns to look back at Kendall, his hands rising to a defensive position to protect himself from potential attacks as he continues with, “But you and James are tied for second! Really!”

James didn’t really seem all that interested in Carlos’s response right up until he had said that. He quickly downed a shot, giving Carlos a hopeful look. He needed to know what he was tied with Kendall for and why Logan was apparently better than the both of them. 

Carlos bit his lip, nearly hard enough to draw blood. Kendall had the urge to get him to stop but he didn’t want to agitate the boy any further so he resisted. The three boys just watched as Carlos wrestled with his thoughts, probably weighing the pros and cons of revealing his question.

When a few minutes passed by with no decision made, Kendall got sick of it and just blurted his question out.

“WHAT?” James shrieked, abruptly standing up. “There’s no way you really think Logan’s the best singer here, Carlos! I’ve been singing since I was three years old! It’s always been my dream!”

“Whoa, chill out, man. It’s not that big of a deal,”

“Can it, Logan!”

Kendall grabbed James’s arm and yanked him back down onto the couch before he could do something stupid (like tackle Carlos or Logan), “Shut the fuck up, James,” He whispered harshly. “We all have different opinions about each other’s singing. Ya know who I think is the best of us? You. So, quit being such a goddamn drama queen before you wake the entire building up, and get Bitters on our ass.”

James huffed and scooted away from all of them so he could sulk in the corner of the couch like a child that had just been told off. Kendall watched him for a moment to make sure he wouldn’t make any rash decisions then turned to look at Logan. 

“No more games. This was a bad idea.”

“Okay, dad.” Logan said, rolling his eyes.

Kendall knew he was sort of the unofficial leader of the group, and he knew he did really enjoy telling the occasional corny dad joke, but he really hated that he had somehow become actually responsible for the three children he had for best friends. He didn’t know why or when that happened considering he wasn’t even the oldest but he was glad that they actually did listen to him from time to time. Now was a time he was especially grateful for.

“Okay, now I know we need to talk about something serious, but we’re all too fucked up and tired right now. We should just sleep and talk in the morning. Yeah?”

“Yeah.” The three boys agreed simultaneously.

Nodding back, Kendall shifted in his seat and gently nudged Carlos in the side. Carlos took the hint immediately and slid off of Kendall’s lap so he could get up.

“Wait, shit,” Logan shouted suddenly, checking the time on his phone. “We have to be up in like three hours. Today is gonna suck.”

“Oh, right, don't worry about that actually. Something came up so Gustavo is gonna postpone the shoot. Griffin told me last night,” Kendall lied a little too easily for his own liking. But he couldn’t tell Logan or any of their bandmates the real reason their shoot probably wasn't going to be happening anymore. Not now. “I’ll call Kelly later to confirm that it’s definitely been called off though.” 

Logan didn’t really seem like he totally believed Kendall, but thankfully he didn't call him out on it. He just accepted the lie like it was the truth and excused himself to the bathroom.

With a sigh of relief, Kendall turned to face the two boys that were still sitting on the couch and smiled once he saw that they were both fighting to stay awake. Now, Kendall would do the responsible thing, and help them actually get ready for bed, but he was too tired himself. So, instead of dragging them through that whole process Kendall carefully pushed the coffee table towards the entertainment center, tossed the various pillows and blankets from the couch onto the floor, and then gently pulled the two sleepy boys down onto the makeshift floor bed. Kendall’s fond smile morphed into a dopey grin as they seemed to instinctively snuggle up to each other as they finally allowed themselves to drift off. James seemed to have gotten over Carlos’s answer during their game rather quickly, much to Kendall’s relief. 

Logan returned from the bathroom a few minutes later—and apparently their shared bedroom as well as he was now dressed in comfier lounge clothes—but he paused at the edge of the newly cushioned floor. Sensing his hesitation, Kendall raised a brow with a silent question directed his way.

Logan met his gaze with a somewhat comforting smile on his face; it didn't quite reach his eyes but Kendall knew it was genuine. 

“I love you, guys.” is all Logan says before he joins the cuddle pile James and Carlos had started.

Kendall just stands there for another while longer, a bit stunned. Eventually though, his lips turn up into a smile that does reach his eyes.

“We love you too.”

Kendall awakes a few hours later—the exact time they would have had to actually get up if their shoot was still on—to the very distinct sound of Carlos whimpering. Kendall sits up on his elbows slowly, careful not to wake his other two slumbering bandmates. 

“Los? What’s wrong, buddy?” Kendall whispered, blindly reaching out for the now grumbling boy. He had yet to actually open his eyes as he wasn’t quite awake.

“My head is killing me, dude,” Carlos whispered back. “I totally overdid it last night. I’m never drinking that much ever again.”

Kendall laughed at that, he couldn’t help it. Carlos would be fine, it was just a hangover. Knowing the cause of his friend’s distress now, Kendall allowed himself some time to properly wake up. He stretched his entire body, sighing as his joints cracked then rubbed at his eyes until he was able to keep them open. He then rolled out of the mess of blankets he was tangled up in and made his way into the kitchen. There, he grabbed a bottle of water from the fridge and a bottle of ibuprofen from one of the drawers. 

“Here, Los,” Kendall called out from the kitchen, gently tossing the items onto the pillow Logan was laid next to. “Take two of those and try to drink that whole bottle. You’ll feel better in a bit.”

“Thanks, Kenny.” Carlos whispered as he carefully reached over Logan to retrieve the two bottles. 

Now, Kendall would have loved to rejoin the cuddle pile that was his bandmates and get a few more hours of sleep, but he unfortunately had a not so fun phone call to make.

Despite the urgency he felt Kendall stayed standing in the middle of the kitchen for a bit longer, just waiting to see if Carlos would go back to sleep. Eventually, he rolled back over to face James and the half drunk water bottle started slipping from his grasp indicating that he was drifting off again. Kendall released the breath he had been holding—for far too long, he realized—then tiptoed past the living room and slipped out of the apartment.

He made his way to the end of the hall where the elevators were and decided to ride one down to the lobby, just to be extra sure that the boys wouldn’t hear him. 

The lobby was eerily quiet, which was actually quite normal seeing as it was only five thirty in the morning, but it was still pretty disturbing to Kendall. The only sounds were the quiet chirping of the crickets outside and Mr. Bitters’s muffled snoring through his office door. And to make matters even worse, the entire lobby was pitch black; the only light coming from the blue glow of the vending machines’ digital displays. This was the part of the horror movie where the audience yelled at the characters for being stupid.

Kendall shook his head, trying to rid himself of his increasing paranoia. Everything was fine. There wasn’t a Palm Woods ghost or an ax murderer on the loose. He was just hungover and stressed and overthinking. He only needed to be down here for a few minutes to make a call. Nothing was going to happen.

But then when Kendall reached into his pocket to grab his phone he realized that he had left it back in the apartment. The imaginary audience in his head was screaming at him and throwing their popcorn directly at his face. 

No, he was fine. He could just use the front desk’s phone. Usually residents were only allowed to use it with explicit permission from Bitters but what Bitters didn't know wouldn't hurt him. Plus, Kendall wasn’t exactly planning on staying at The Palm Woods forever nor would he even be allowed to anyway—they had already overstayed their welcome—so he could easily handle any of the temporary consequences he’d face if Bitters ever were to find out.

Once his eyes adjusted to the dark a bit Kendall stumbled his way around the lobby’s furniture until he made it to the desk. He quickly snatched the phone off of the hook and punched in the number he had thankfully memorized.

Two rings later, Kelly picked up, “Kelly Wainwright, Rocque Records,”

Kendall cringed a bit, he was not at all used to the professional greeting from the assistant. It sounded so monotonous and nothing like the Kelly he knew. 

“Hey, Kelly,” Kendall mumbled his greeting as he leaned over to rest his entire upper body on the desk. He was a lot more tired than he first thought. “We’re not shooting the music video today, are we?”

“Oh, Kendall, it’s you. Why aren’t you calling me from your cell?”

Kelly’s voice was a bit higher than normal which told Kendall she was feeling nervous. She was dodging the question.

“Left it in the apartment,” Kendall responded, not bothering to explain himself at all. “Answer my question, Kelly.”

There’s a weirdly long pause on the other end then a heavy sigh and some unintelligible words. Kelly sounded as exhausted as Kendall felt. He didn’t blame her, he couldn't even begin to imagine the stress she must be under.

“Kelly?”

“Sorry, sorry. I’m just… Yeah, Kendall, the shoot for the new single has been canceled indefinitely.”

“Sucks. The fans were really looking forward to that one.”

“I know. I’m sorry.”

“Not your fault.”

“Do the boys know?”

Somehow, Kendall just knew that Kelly wasn’t talking about the music video anymore.

“I haven’t gotten a chance to talk to them yet.”

“Kendall, they need to know,”

“I know.”

There’s another prolonged silence and Kendall is reminded of his phone call with Griffin, the very thing that had gotten them into this mess in the first place. He wants to shout all of his frustrations out, or smash the phone against the desk, or something. But he would never take his anger out on Kelly, not if she didn’t deserve it (which she never really did). Instead, Kendall forces himself to be patient. He distracts himself by wrapping and unwrapping the phone’s coiled cord around his fingers over and over again. He gets close to cutting his circulation off at one point but he can’t bring himself to care. The slight twinge of pain is surprisingly pleasant. 

Then finally, before Kendall can do any real damage, Kelly breaks the silence once more, “You need to tell them as soon as they wake up. Don’t put it off. Gustavo wanted me to arrange a meeting with you guys later today.”

“Oh, fun. Can’t wait.”

“Kendall, this is serious,”

“I’m taking it seriously.”

“Are you? Because to me it sounds like you’ve already given up.”

Okay, now Kendall was getting a little frustrated with Kelly. Obdul’s initial doubt in him he could understand, but Kelly really knew how much this band meant to him. She knew how stubborn he was and how much he fought for the things he cared about. He couldn’t believe she had so little faith in him right now.

“Oh, ye of little faith,” Kendall responded, feeling a little loopy suddenly. He really needed to go back to sleep. “Don’tchu worry, Kells, I have everything under control.”

“Kendall, are you still drunk?”

“How’d you know I was drunk?”

“Yesterday was Carlos’s twenty-first birthday, Kendall, I’d be shocked if you weren’t drunk.”

“Oh, yeah, makes sense,” Kendall mumbled, now placing the phone cord over his upper lip like it was a mustache. He didn’t really know what he was doing anymore but he knew it was keeping him entertained. “Well, I’m not drunk anymore. Not really. Mostly just tired. I only got like three hours of sleep.”

“Go back to sleep, Kendall. We’ll see you guys anytime after twelve for the meeting, alright?”

“Yeah, alright.”

“Good night, Kendall. Sleep well.”

It definitely wasn’t night anymore, sunlight was starting to shine through the curtains, but Kendall didn’t find it necessary to correct Kelly. He was planning on going back to sleep so as far as he was concerned it was still nighttime. 

“Good night, Kelly.”

The apartment was still slightly dark by the time Kendall made it back up—thanks to the fully shut blinds—so he was more than a little startled when the floor lamp suddenly flicked on and nearly blinded him with its bright orange glow.

“Christ,” Kendall exclaimed, trying to blink the spots that were now dotting his vision away. Once the spots cleared and his eyes adjusted to the light, Kendall looked at the couch to find Logan glaring at him. “What the hell, Logan?”

“So, the shoot’s definitely canceled?” Logan asked, his tone unreadable.

“Uh, yeah, the director canceled on us and Kelly couldn’t find anyone last minute.” 

Kendall really did not like how easy lying had been coming to him lately. But he also didn’t like how Logan could always see through his bullshit. 

“Well, that’s not too big of a deal. We’ll find a new director eventually. Right?”

“Right,” Kendall agreed, shifting uneasily. He didn’t know what this little game Logan was playing with him was but he really didn’t like it. “Anyway, we should probably go back to sleep for a bit. We gotta meet with Gustavo and Kelly later to discuss some things.”

“About the music video?”

“Yeah.”

Logan doesn’t say anything else, he just stares at Kendall—practically right into his soul—and just like his tone his expression was completely unreadable. 

Their weird staring contest drags on for far too long until inevitably it’s broken by Kendall’s phone ringing on the coffee table. They both look over at it for a brief moment, and Kendall can practically see a plan forming in Logan’s head. He tries to beat him to it, but Logan’s reaction time is still far faster than his is. He’s picking up his phone and checking the caller I.D. before Kendall even realizes he could have easily created some sort of diversion.

“Why is Kelly calling you back? I thought you got our plans for today sorted already.”

“I did, Logan,” Kendall replied, starting to get a little defensive even though he really shouldn’t be. “I have no idea why she’s calling me back. How about you give me the phone so I can find out?”

Kendall can see Logan thinking up some stupid idea again and yet somehow he still wasn’t fast enough to stop him. Logan accepted the call and pressed the phone to his ear with the most mischievous smirk Kendall had ever seen from him. Kendall might kill him.

“Hey, Kelly. Kendall’s asleep. What’s up?”

Yep, he was definitely going to kill him.

“Logan,” Kendall mouthed angrily, throwing his hands up in disbelief. “Give me the damn phone.”

“Oh, you need us to come in earlier?” Logan asked Kelly, completely ignoring the angry miming Kendall was starting to do. “Did something happen? Do we have a new date for the shoot already?”

“Oh, that’s not what this meeting is about? Well, that’s weird. That’s not what Kendall told me.”

What the hell was Kelly doing? Kendall needed to break the news to his friends in his own way. He couldn’t be set up like this. He was already in deep shit by keeping it from them this long. Kelly was just digging the hole he had found himself in deeper; well, on the brightside, his grave would be nice and ready for him when he was inevitably murdered by his bandmates. Silver linings.

“Yeah, don’t worry, Kelly. We’re definitely going to talk. See you later.”

The glare Logan was giving Kendall as he said his goodbyes and hung up the phone was genuinely terrifying. Logan did actually have some anger issues, just like Kendall did, but somehow he’s still never seen his best friend this pissed before. His eyes were watery, his jaw was clenched so tight Kendall was a little worried he would break his teeth, and he honestly looked like he’d have zero regrets if he did end up actually murdering Kendall.

“Kendall,” Logan started, and oh yeah, he sounded dangerous right now. Kendall was not walking away from this conversation completely unscathed. “What is going on, man? What happened with Griffin last night? Why’d we have to leave the club so early? Why do you keep putting off the talk we apparently need to have so badly?”

“We’re not doing this right now, Logan.”

“Why not?!”

“We need James and Carlos. We can talk when they wake up.”

Kendall watches another plan slowly hatch in Logan’s mind but this time he has no idea what it could be and that scares him maybe a little more than it should.

He doesn’t have to wait very long to find out what the plan is though. Logan grabs the air horn that was just conveniently placed on the coffee table and immediately presses down on it. James and Carlos jump up into sitting positions with their respective shouts of “What the hell?!” and “Dude!”.

Logan keeps his gaze trained on Kendall as he speaks in a cold but steady voice, “They’re awake. Talk.”

Sensing the serious tension, James and Carlos look back and forth between Kendall and Logan helplessly. They were not prepared for whatever was going on at all. Despite their harsh awakening they were both still hardly conscious.

“Breakfast first.” Kendall said, leaving no room for arguments—though he had a feeling Logan would try to argue anyway—and turned to walk into the kitchen.

“You’re just prolonging the inevitable. Get it over with, man. You’re driving me nuts.”

Kendall ignores Logan and opens the fridge, scanning its contents for something edible. He frowns once he realizes they didn’t really have much. They desperately needed to go grocery shopping. They’d just been too busy to even remember that was something they had to do on their own now that his mom and sister had moved into their own place. Their lives were so chaotic and they were about to get even more chaotic. Kendall didn’t know how he or the guys would be able to handle any of it on their own. 

Kendall slams the fridge door shut which makes the other three jump as they hadn’t been expecting it. Kendall can feel their concerned stares on him as he just continues to stand there with his hand closed tightly around the fridge handle but he doesn’t care. 

Another few seconds of tense silence passes before Kendall decides to check the cabinets for something. Luckily there’s a bag of ground coffee still left on the top shelf from the last shopping trip. It wasn’t food but it was the perfect cure for hangovers and little sleep. It would do for now.

As Kendall started brewing the coffee and setting out each of their favorite mugs he heard the TV switch on behind him. His bandmates were still strangely silent but at least now they were doing something instead of just standing around and making things weirder.

“Uh, guys?” James said out of nowhere, his voice trembling slightly. 

Reluctantly, Kendall turned around to see what the problem was. His heart sank as soon as he realized what was playing on the TV.

It was one of the many celebrity gossip news stations and the big headline at the bottom of the screen read: BIG TIME BREAK UP? 

“Turn it off, James.” Kendall demanded.

Instead of listening to Kendall’s command James shook his head and used the remote to turn the volume up a few notches. Kendall didn’t even try to get the remote from him, he didn’t have the energy for a fight. So, all four boys’ eyes stayed glued to the screen as the story played out.

The reporter was talking about how the one and only Kendall Knight of Big Time Rush was overheard discussing the potential end of the band on the phone the night before. Then a slideshow of paparazzi images of the boys at the club replaced the reporter as they explained each one through a voiceover. One was of course Kendall on the phone outside of the club, looking angry and near tears. The next was James sitting alone at the booth and looking rather pitiful with his chin resting on his hand, and then the last ones—which were arguably the worst ones of all—were badly timed pictures of Logan and Carlos. The first looked pretty romantic since Logan was kissing Carlos on the cheek and Carlos was smiling with his hand placed on Logan’s chest. He had probably just been trying to push him away but the still picture made it look like they were holding onto each other. The next few pictures somehow made it look like they were arguing with each other, and nearly turning the fight physical, when they very much weren’t. Kendall may have been drunk last night but he always knew when real fights broke out between his best friends. The reporter then went on to say how they think the boys may be in the midst of a falling out caused by the toxic “romance” between Logan and Carlos and that this very well may be the end of the beloved boy band but then asked the viewers to let them know what they thought.

Fuck. Just fuck. 

This was not how this was supposed to go. Kendall was going to tell them what happened, he really was! This wasn’t fair. Stupid fucking paparazzi and gossip shows. They were all vultures who didn't care whose lives they ruined. 

God, the silence that followed the ‘news’ report was incredibly unnerving, but Kendall just couldn’t face his friends now. He couldn’t speak even if he wanted to. What was he supposed to say? ‘Hey, guys, sorry you had to find out like this, but yeah we’re probably done with Big Time Rush!’. That would definitely go over well.

“Kendall?”

To Kendall’s—and probably everyone’s—horror, Carlos is the first to speak up. His voice sounded so small and so hurt, it was probably the most heartbreaking thing Kendall had ever heard.

But Kendall still can’t say anything.

“Is it true?”

That was James now and god Kendall wished Logan would say something too. Anything. His silence was so damn loud.

“Guys…” Kendall eventually managed to croak out, immediately clearing his throat.

“Griffin’s breaking us up?”

Finally, Kendall finds his voice, “It’s mostly Fujisaki’s doing but yeah… The entire company behind Rocque Records is falling apart. They’re throwing us to the fucking streets. Like actual unwanted dogs.”

All of the rage from the past six or so hours—and god how had their lives gone to such shit in such a short amount of time—had started building back up and Kendall needed to release it somehow. He balled his hands into fists at his sides as his breathing picked up and that finally got Logan’s attention. 

“Kendall,” 

“Don’t, Logan,”

“No, you don’t. Look at me,” Suddenly, Logan was stepping into Kendall’s line of vision and reaching his hands out toward him. Kendall tensed, not exactly sure what to expect, but Logan just grabbed his hands and unfurled them. “Look at me.”

Kendall absolutely refuses to look at Logan. He couldn’t bear to see the look in his eyes; whether it was anger, disappointment, or sadness, it didn’t matter. He just couldn’t face it. Kendall wasn’t a leader. He was a coward.

“We’re trending on twitter…”

“Does that really matter right now, James?” Logan called over his shoulder, his hands still holding Kendall’s in a tight grip.

“Uh, yeah, Logan, it does! You should see what people are saying about you and Carlos! It’s nothing good!”

Kendall looks past Logan to see that both James and Carlos were standing in front of the kitchen bar now. James was glaring down at his phone while Carlos was holding onto his arm and pressing his face against the back of his shoulder. Kendall couldn’t really tell from where he was but it seemed like Carlos was also looking at whatever James had pulled up on his phone over his shoulder. Kendall so badly wanted to snatch the phone out of James’s hand. He wanted to keep all of their phones and laptops and any devices with internet access locked up. The three of them were always telling Kendall to just ignore any haters they got but here two of them were doing the exact opposite. Sure, technically these people weren’t haters per se, but this still couldn’t be a good use of their time. This kind of shit was very much going to affect them all negatively still. 

“Kendall,”

Kendall’s head snaps to the direction his name was called from on pure instinct. He’s now face to face with Logan and he just wants to fucking bolt out of the apartment and never return. 

“You need to take a deep breath, man.”

That wasn’t really what Kendall was expecting Logan to say but he was right. That ‘news’ report got him all worked up and he really needed to focus. Kendall takes Logan’s advice and takes a slow breath in through his nose. He holds it for a few seconds then when he releases it the coffee maker goes off. Wordlessly, Kendall pulls out of Logan’s grasp and turns to fix up their coffees the way they all like them.

Kendall listens as Logan slowly walks over to the bar then when he’s almost certain he’s no longer looking at him Kendall turns to face his bandmates. James and Carlos were now sitting beside each other and still looking at James’s phone. Logan was sitting two seats away from them, leaving the stool in the middle empty for Kendall.

Kendall places each of his friend’s mugs in front of them before taking a sip of his own and bringing it over to his spot amongst them. 

“So,” Kendall begins awkwardly, not really sure what to say.

James manages to pull his eyes away from his phone and looks past Carlos to meet Kendall’s. They have a conversation through facial expressions alone but it soon becomes clear that neither boy really knows what the other was trying to say. Eventually they both break their eye contact at the same time and stare down into their mugs like they held the answers. 

“We need to release some kind of statement. Clear up the rumors, and make sure everyone knows the truth.”

“What is the truth, Kendall?” Logan asks in a disturbingly icy voice again. 

“I already told you, Logan,” Kendall replies, matching Logan’s tone. “RCM CBT Globalnet Sanyoid is falling apart. And Big Time Rush can’t exist without it… Not easily, at least.”

“I smell plan." James and Carlos say at the same time, staring at Kendall expectantly. 

But before Kendall can say anything Logan rolls his eyes and butts in, “There’s no scheming our way out of this one, you idiots. We’re toast.”

“Don’t be so negative, Logie!” Carlos said, turning in his stool to look directly at Logan. “We always figure something out. We can do anything as long as we stick together.”

Logan doesn’t give Carlos any sort of response because he knows if he did it wouldn’t be anything nice. Instead, he directs his glare over to James’s still lit phone screen and asks if he can read what he had been looking at.

“Logan,” Kendall says in a warning tone. “I really don’t think that’s a good idea… Trust me, I’m dying to know what people are saying too, but you always tell me to ignore that type of shit. Take your own advice.”

“Oh, easy for you to say right now. People’s comments about you in the past haven’t ever been this serious and nobody’s even saying shit about you this time.”

“Oh, how wrong you are, my friend,” James interjects with a sardonic smile. “People are saying Kendall and I are terrible friends for keeping you in the group and letting you abuse Carlos or whatever the hell they think is happening. A lot of the rushers are trying to defend us all but I think even they’re starting to believe the rumors. I mean let’s be real, Kendall’s phone call plus the paparazzi photos were pretty damning.”

“Oh, fuck that. People are fucking ridiculous. I need to say something. Where the fuck is my phone.”

Before anyone can process Logan’s words he’s already hopping up and tearing the living room apart in search of his cellphone. 

Carlos is the only one that follows him to try to stop him. 

“Logan… Come on, man. Let’s just focus on the band stuff right now. We can take care of the other problems later.”

“Fuck off, Carlos. I really don’t need you or anyone telling me what to do right now.”

James and Kendall both tense up, entirely expecting a fight to break out. 

Surprisingly, the guys stayed quiet and then only receding footsteps could be heard. James and Kendall look over to find Carlos stomping towards their bedrooms and Logan just standing in the middle of the room. He looks remorseful for just a fraction of a second before he’s shaking his head and continuing his search.

“Logan,” Kendall tries, knowing full well he’s probably going to get snapped at too, but he had to do something. Logan had somehow managed to calm him down so he just wanted to return the favor. “Come back over here, and take some deep breaths, man. You’re way too angry to say anything actually helpful right now. You’re gonna regret it.”

“Don’t care,” Logan muttered, finally finding his phone stuck between the couch cushions. “Got it.”

“At least let us read your tweet before you post it?”

“Ooh, was I supposed to run my tweet by you guys first?” 

“Seriously, James? What the hell did you say?”

James looks away from Kendall as he slides his phone across the bar to him. Kendall snatches it up right away and clicks onto James’s profile to pull up his most recent post. 

@RealJamesDiamond

Super cool of everyone to immediately believe made up shit from a stupid gossip show! I don’t know the fate of the band rn but what I do know is that Logan and Carlos aren’t dating or hurting each other in any way. We’re all brothers and we love each other. Cut the bullshit.

“I guess that’s not that bad… Really wish you didn't say anything about the band though.”

James just shrugged, still avoiding Kendall’s gaze.

“I appreciate what you said about me and Carlos,” Logan cut in, having read the tweet on his own phone. “But you probably have a lot more angry people in your mentions now.”

“Please, you know I’d literally kill someone for you guys, I think I can handle a few keyboard warriors.”

Logan snorts at that as he joins James and Kendall back at the bar. He chugs his coffee slowly before typing out a new tweet. James switches over to Carlos’s abandoned stool—speaking of the missing boy, someone should really go check on him soon—and looks over at Logan’s phone to read as he typed. He backspaces quite a few times until finally he seems happy with what he’s got.

“Well?” Logan asked, glancing at Kendall then over at James.

@LoganMitchell

Usually I ignore rumors/gossip but this whole thing is fucking ridiculous lol Carlos & I aren't dating. We do fight sometimes but like the way brothers do. We're not abusing each other. Those pictures were badly timed. Don't believe gossip shows those assholes need better jobs.

“Seems fine to me.” James said.

Kendall looked reluctant to agree but instead of saying anything he just shrugged and looked down at his mostly untouched coffee. Logan rolled his eyes at his silence and posted the tweet.

“Someone should,” Kendall started, cutting himself off. “James, you should go get Carlos. I actually do have a plan to save the band so we really need to discuss it before our meeting later.”

“Wait, what meeting?” James asked, pausing as he was already halfway across the room. 

Kendall glanced over at him, giving him a sheepish look, “Oh yeah, sorry, I forgot to tell you. We’re meeting with Gustavo and Kelly later to discuss everything that’s happening.”

“Oh, okay,” is all James says before disappearing into the hallway to continue on his mission.

Logan then turns to Kendall with a weirdly amused look.

“Someone should get Carlos, no, I mean James should. Not Logan. Definitely not Logan,” Logan says, mocking Kendall. “That asshole would just pick a fight and make everything worse, am I right.”

“Oh, shut up.” is all Kendall says, visibly increasing Logan’s amusement. 

Meanwhile, in James and Carlos’s shared room, James finds Carlos sat up in his bed with his arms crossed. 

“Hey, Los, you okay?”

“I’m so done with Logan’s crap!” Carlos blurts out, startling James. 

“Come on, Carlos, you don’t mean that,”

“I do! He always gets so pissy with me, and I don’t even know why!”

“Well, I mean, you do tend to push his buttons quite a bit, Los,”

“And you and Kendall don’t?!”

“We do,” James says, moving to sit next to Carlos. “Just not as much as you do, I guess. But, come on, you know he never means it when he snaps like that. I’m not saying it’s okay, it’s definitely something he needs to work on,” He pauses to place his hand on Carlos’s arm, urging him to look at him. “But he cares about you. He’d never do anything to like seriously hurt or upset you.”

“Well, it’s still annoying. He gets me all worked up, and I hate being mad at you guys.”

“Come back with me and talk to him about it then. We need you back in there anyway. Kendall has a plan.”

“I knew it!” Carlos shouts, perking right back up and pulling his helmet from seemingly out of nowhere to place it on his head. There’s their Carlitos.

Now smiling, James hops up and offers his hand to Carlos to pull him up. They make their way back into the main room together and slowly approach the two that were still sitting at the bar.

“Yo, Los, I’m sorry,” Logan said as soon as he noticed them. “I shouldn’t have snapped at you like that. You were just trying to help.”

In lieu of a response, Carlos tackles Logan into a hug and nearly knocks him off his stool.

“Ugh, fucking hell, man!” Logan shouted, sounding a bit annoyed, but he laughed and reciprocated the hug anyway.

“I’m sorry I annoy you so much, and push you to the point of snapping, and I’m sorry I get so weird about it,”

“Los,”

“You’re just kinda hard to read sometimes, and I just get really emotional, and I know that makes me sound like a big baby and maybe I am, but,”

“Carlos,”

“I care about you guys a lot and I never wanna make you mad but sometimes I do, and I just,”

“CARLOS!” All three non rambling boys shout, startling Carlos out of Logan’s arms and silencing his rant. 

“It’s cool, man,” Logan says, taking Carlos’s right hand into his own left hand. “We’re cool. Chill out.”

“Yeah, okay. Okay, I’m chill,” Carlos says, giving Logan’s hand a light squeeze before pulling away. “So, what’s the plan?”

“The plan has been right in front of our faces this whole time,” Kendall starts as he stands up. He watches as the others turn to face him and brace themselves for the oncoming speech. “BTR.”

“Big Time Rush?” James asked, furrowing his eyebrows in confusion.

“Buy The Rights,” Kendall corrected, smirking as all of them realized what he had said one by one.

“Hold on, how the hell are we,”

“We’ll just go back on tour to raise the funds we’ll need, Logan,”

“Okay, but going on tour is also expensive, genius. How are we gonna pull this off? We probably don’t even have a team or a band anymore.”

“I’ve already started putting a team together.”

“Without us?”

“Not officially! I’ve only asked one person. Plus, I’m pretty sure most of the people I’ve thought of don’t even need to be asked. They’re already onboard.”

“Who the hell did you ask?” James asked.

“Obdul.”

“Obdul? As in,”

“Yes, that Obdul.”

A somewhat awkward silence falls over the group—something that rarely ever happens with them—so Kendall uses the opportunity to start his speech. 

“Come on, guys. We’ve never given up before. We’ve always fought for the things we wanted. We wouldn’t be here right now having this very conversation if we didn’t. What’s one more battle? Yeah, it’s not gonna be easy, but when the hell is anything easy? So, are we gonna do this, or are we gonna do this?”

The weird silence returns after his speech, but Logan breaks it rather quickly, “Your speeches are getting cheesier,” He says dryly but there’s a smile slowly forming on his face. “But yeah, why not. Let’s give it a shot.”

“Take a ‘shot in the dark’, I think you mean?” Kendall asked, grinning cheekily. 

“Wow, that was bad, even for you.”

Yeah, it was pretty bad, but his idea wasn’t. They could do this.

“Hey, Big Time Rush?” Kendall asks, glancing at each of his bandmates hopefully.

“Big Time Rush.” says James, with a smirk.

“Big Time Rush.” says Carlos, with two helmet taps.

And finally, “Big Time Rush, I guess.” says Logan, with a fond sigh.

Hours later, the boys were frantically rushing around the apartment, getting ready for the meeting they had been dreading.

“Where the hell is my lucky white V neck?!” James shouts, throwing shirts out of his dresser.

“Nobody who’s cool wears V necks anymore!” Logan calls from the living room.

“Oh, what do you know!” 

The only answer James receives is some muffled snickers from all of his bandmates so he ignores it and continues his search. 

He finds some old V necks—and yeah he probably should get rid of them—but none of them are the V neck. He had a horrible feeling about their meeting with Gustavo and Kelly so he needed all the luck he could get. Just having his lucky comb on him like always wasn’t going to cut it.

“James, we really can’t keep them waiting anymore,” Kendall said, suddenly appearing in the doorway. “Just put any shirt on, man. We don’t need any luck. We got this.”

James blatantly ignores Kendall, continuing to toss shirts behind him. Kendall steps into the room and places a hand on his shoulder but it doesn’t grab his attention.

"James,”

“Fuck off, Kendall,” James mumbled, purposefully throwing a shirt at Kendall’s face. 

Kendall just huffs, watching as the shirt falls to the floor. Fine, if James was going to act like a child, Kendall was going to treat him like a child.

“James, I’m gonna give you ten seconds to find a shirt, and put it on,”

James tensed for a moment but he still refused to quit his frantic searching.

“Ten,”

“Kendall,” James groaned.

“Nine,”

“You’re being ridiculous,”

“Eight,”

“Kendall!”

“Seven,”

“I’m not a child, ya know!” 

“Six,”

Kendall and James can both feel Carlos and Logan sneaking up behind them but it does nothing to stop either of them from their childish antics. If anything, it just makes Kendall more eager to continue. James was always trying to embarrass him so it was about damn time Kendall served him a taste of his own medicine. 

“Five,”

“I’m not scared of you, Kendall! This is so stupid!”

“Four,”

“Logan! Do something,”

Logan doesn’t do anything to stop Kendall, the bastard doesn’t even say anything. He just snorts and ruffles James’s already unkempt hair. James shrieks as he blindly bats his hand away, absolutely refusing to look back at any of the jackasses he was now reconsidering being friends with.

“Three,”

“Okay, okay!” James exclaimed, pulling a random shirt out of the pile he had created and putting it on. 

“Thank you,” Kendall said with a self-satisfied smirk that James looked just about ready to smack off of his face. “Now, hurry up and go do your hair. It looks awful.”

James jumped up, reaching out to grab Kendall but he was already speeding out of the room and laughing his ass off. 

“I hate him,” James said as he pushed past Carlos and Logan—who were also giggling like a bunch of idiots—and headed into the bathroom. “I hate him so much.”  

“Nah, you love him.” Logan retorted, following James into the bathroom. “I, however, hate all of you. I still need to get new friends.”

James reluctantly tore his gaze away from the precious mirror just to sneer at Logan and nod his head in mock agreement. Logan gave him an innocent smile in return, deciding to lean against the doorframe so he could wait for him to finish his meticulous hair care routine. Behind them, they could hear Kendall grabbing the car keys whilst yelling at Carlos to ‘hurry up and get his shoes on already’. Carlos yelled back, saying he needed to find his helmet first—how he even managed to lose it that quickly Logan will never know—to which Kendall scolded him for and that just had Logan feeling a bit sad all of a sudden. Despite his many threats to get new friends he really loved the chaos these ones had brought into his life. He doesn’t think he could actually live without it.

“You dorks ready yet or what?” Kendall suddenly asked from beside Logan, startling him out of his thoughts.

“You can’t rush perfection, Kendork,” James replied, keeping his eyes on his reflection as he combed his short fringe in place with one hand and spritzed some more Cuda hairspray into it with the other. “You really should know this by now.”

“You always complain when we’re late to shit, but yeah by all means, James. Take your time.” Kendall scoffed, turning to look at Logan.

“Don’t look at me, dude. I’ve been ready,” Logan said, pulling on the lapels of his leather jacket. Kendall looked him up and down, giving him a nod of approval. “Is Carlos ready? That’s the real question.”

Kendall opens his mouth to answer but Carlos comes barreling into the already cramped bathroom before he can, almost knocking both him and Logan into James, “I’m ready!” He shouted as he adjusted the helmet that was now askew on his head.

“Good,” Logan said, putting Carlos into a headlock just because he could.

“AH! Logan!” Carlos squawked, pulling Logan down to the floor in his attempt to free himself from his hold.

Kendall watched them go down while James watched his patience wear thin. Deciding to put Kendall out of his misery, James put his hairspray away and pocketed his lucky comb before he whisked his fuming friend away from the bathroom.

Kendall just gave him an appreciative smile before he looked back at the two morons that were still scuffling on the floor of the bathroom and shouted, “Let’s go, boys!”

About fifteen minutes later, the boys finally arrived at Rocque Records—which they were surprised was even still open—and made their way into Gustavo’s office.

“Dogs,” Gustavo greeted, somehow looking more solemn than he usually does. He exchanged a quick look with Kelly who then gave the boys a tight-lipped smile. 

“Gustavo,” Kendall greeted in return, as falsely chipper as ever. “It’s so great to see you. Kelly, always a pleasure.”

“Hi, Kendall. Hi, boys.” Kelly said with a fond twinkle in her eyes, earning some genuine smiles from her favorite boys. 

“Sit,” Gustavo barked, nodding at the four chairs that were placed in front of his desk. He watched the boys do as they were told, nearly tripping each other up in their haste to obey the order before he continued. “So, look… I’m… I’m really sorry you boys were blindsided by Griffin’s news last night. If it makes you feel any better, Kelly and I were too.”

The boys sit in stunned silence for a bit—Gustavo’s sincere apologies were extremely rare and therefore will forever be strange to them—before they engage in a hushed discussion. 

Eventually, they reach an agreement; three out of the four nod at Kendall, allowing him to continue speaking for all of them. 

“We’re not letting it get us down, Gustavo,” Kendall said as he stood from his chair and started pacing behind his bandmates. He paused in the middle of the room, pointing his index finger upward as he continued talking. “You know why? I’ll tell you why: we,” Kendall paused again, now gesturing to the three boys in front of him. “Have a foolproof plan to keep this band alive.”

“Oh, I’m just dying to hear it.” Gustavo deadpanned. Kelly smacked him on the arm with her clipboard before encouraging Kendall to go on with a bright smile. 

“If we go back on tour we'll be able to buy the rights to the band with the money we earn! We don’t need Fujisaki or Griffin, we can do this without them.”

A short silence followed Kendall’s announcement and then Gustavo was cackling like the absolute madman he was. Kendall’s shoulders slumped at the mocking sound, feeling completely discouraged. He had been expecting this sort of reaction—Gustavo was the most predictable person on the entire planet, he’d be crazy not to—but that never made actually hearing it any easier. 

Luckily, Kelly comes to their rescue, just as she always does, “That’s not the worst idea,” She said, smacking Gustavo’s arm once again. “But, Kendall, you do realize you guys can’t go on tour as Big Time Rush, if you do go through with this, right? You can’t even perform any of the songs you’ve recorded under this label.”

“Honestly, I didn’t really think about that,” Kendall admitted, awkwardly scratching the back of his neck. “But hey, that’s not a big deal! We can perform under a pseudonym. And as for the songs, we’ll just flesh out the unfinished songs we’ve written ourselves and perform those. Hell, maybe we can do some covers of other boy band songs too.”

“That’s a terrible idea!” Gustavo exclaimed. “You’re not going to sell any tickets if you do any of the stupid shit you just said.”

“Yeah huh!” Kendall retorted rather childishly but he didn’t care. Gustavo was being stupid. Kendall had faith in his brothers to put on a good show in spite of their disadvantages and he had faith in their fans’ unwavering support. They were doing this. 

“Uh, nuh uh! You always seem to forget the fact that I was in this business before you were even a twinkle in your daddy’s eye, kid. I know what does and doesn’t sell tickets!”

Kendall automatically grits his teeth at the mention of his father. He could see each of his friends tensing up as well, probably anticipating some kind of outburst from him. But Gustavo didn’t really know how sore of a subject Kendall’s father was. He was just using an expression. There was no need to make a big deal out of something that was really nothing. 

Kendall’s pretty sure he hears James mutter something like, “Bet you wish I had the V neck now, huh,” under his breath but he ignores him in favor of continuing the argument—that he was so totally going to win—with Gustavo. 

“Gustavo,” Kendall continued, moving forward and coming to a stop in front of the producer’s desk. “How many times are we going to do this? We’ve never let you down before. We can do this.”

“Well, good luck getting a whole team, stage crew, and band together on your own! Good luck convincing venues to book your little circus! There’s no way, no way, this will ever take off! It’s never gonna happen! Never!”

Once again, Kendall was transported back to a simpler time where a once in a lifetime deal was being made in the parking lot of a Minnesota supermarket. 

“So, we’re doing this.”

“Yep!"

Chapter Text

Kendall really wished they could just skip all the hard parts, and get this supposed ‘circus’ on the road already. 

He was tired of fame and rumors, tired of social media and haters, tired of existing so loudly, and tired of Gustavo and Kelly just adding onto the pressure of it all. This wasn’t exactly what he was signing up for when he managed to convince Gustavo to bring him and the guys to Los Angeles. He just wanted to sing some songs—some meaningful and emotional, some just plain fun—and go on all of the crazy Hollywood adventures with his best buds on his own terms. Essentially, he wanted to have his cake, and he wanted to eat it too. Was that really too much to ask for? Cake was meant to be eaten, damn it. 

“Okay, boys, listen up,” Kelly demanded, using her more serious voice. Kendall groaned inwardly, trying his best to focus on literally anything else in the room just so he could avoid the intense scrutiny of her gaze.

“You don’t have a PR team anymore, and you desperately need one, so allow me to reintroduce myself. Kelly Wainwright, the new head of Public Relations.”

Carlos waved at Kelly, shouting, “Hi, Kelly! It’s nice to meet you!” as if he thought they actually were meeting for the very first time just now. The other three boys just looked unimpressed, each of them wondering why this whole charade was even necessary. 

“Hi, Carlos…” Kelly replied slowly, looking a bit confused but mostly amused. With a quick shake of her head she resumes her spiel, addressing all of them once again. “Now, look, the four of you will need to release a public statement about the fundraising tour, and the future hiatus we’ll be taking while we get all of the legal stuff sorted out.” She explained as she pulled her phone out, typing out something that was probably important.

“We’re gonna need to release a statement about a lot more than that.” Logan muttered behind his hand, sharing a worried look with the other boys.

Kelly looked up at Logan’s unexpected utterance, giving Gustavo a worried look of her own. 

“What the hell are you talking about?” Gustavo asked, glaring at all four of them. “What did you dogs do this time?”

What didn’t they do this time, more like? They had irrevocably fucked everything up. It was a total accident, of course, they weren't exactly intending for any of this to happen, but their intentions never seemed to matter. Chaos had a cruel habit of following them everywhere they went; Minnesota or California, the locker room or the studio, the ice rink or the stage, it didn’t matter. Chaos lurked in every corner of their lives, watching and waiting, ready to strike whenever things were going too well for them. It wasn't fair, but those were the cards they were dealt. They could fold, or they could keep playing, see what else the game of life had to offer them. Kendall was tired beyond belief, but he was no quitter. He would very much like to keep playing still.

Gustavo started to grow impatient, gesturing wildly for the boys to speak up. That’s when Kendall realized that the others had been too scared to give their own responses.

With both eyebrows raised Kendall came to their rescue, asking both Gustavo and Kelly how they managed not to watch any TV or go on any social media in the past day. Now that he thought about it, Kendall did find it pretty strange that neither Gustavo nor Kelly had brought up the rumors that were circulating.

“Oh, I’m sorry, we haven’t had the time,” Gustavo said, a bit hysterical. “I guess you weren’t aware, but we’ve sort of been a little busy dealing with a total fucking disaster!”

Kendall just sighed, grabbing the remote off of Gustavo’s desk to switch on the TV he kept in his office. Just as he expected it was already on a celebrity news station, and the same story from earlier that morning was playing. Convenient.

The four boys braced themselves for the imminent freak out, watching as Gustavo and Kelly reacted to every juicy little detail of their story.

When the report was over Kendall shut the TV off, immediately turning to give their boss his sweetest, most genuine smile. Then James, Logan, and Carlos followed his example, just for good measure.

Unfortunately, that never really worked on Gustavo. Weirdly enough it really only ever seemed to work on each other, Kelly, Mama Knight, and even Katie occasionally.

Their boss was shaking with a rising anger now, ready to blow at any moment. Kendall stepped forward, taking on a protective stance in front of his friends. Doing that never actually helped all that much, but he’ll be damned if he ever stopped trying.

Finally, after a whole five minutes had passed, the fuse blew.

“KENDALL, LOGAN, CARLOS! You three are so dead. James, I must say I’m pleasantly surprised. You just… Well, you didn’t really… do anything… this time?”

Now, James knew that was true—he really didn’t do anything risky last night—but usually Gustavo was able to find something to reprimand him about anyway. It didn’t really make sense that he wasn’t in any sort of trouble this time, but he certainly wasn’t going to complain. He did feel pretty bad for his bandmates though. It wasn’t their fault that Griffin had terrible timing, or that the four of them barely had any privacy. That was just the price they had to pay for being celebrities that worked under strange CEOs. James really thought that Gustavo of all people would understand that.

“Gustavo, come on,” James said quickly, keeping the man’s attention on him. “I know the gossip show didn’t really have anything on me, but it’s still not the other guys’ fault that they ran the story. If anyone’s to blame here it’s Griffin, and the stupid paparazzi.”

“Bah, bah, bah, bah! I don’t wanna hear it!” Gustavo yelled, keeping his immature streak going—Kendall: 1 Gustavo: 2—not at all caring that he was very clearly getting on James’s nerves. “We don't have time! We need a game plan! Kelly, what’s our game plan?”

Kelly rolled her eyes, clearly quite annoyed as well—when wasn’t she annoyed with Gustavo though—but she sprung into action anyway, just as she always did.

“Boys,” Kelly started, instantly capturing their attention as she moved to stand before them. “Public figures tend to release formal statements in the form of text. This is acceptable in certain situations,”

Kelly paused to bring out a projector from behind Gustavo’s desk, placing it on top. She then pulled a screen down from the ceiling—they honestly had no idea if that particular one had always been there—and showed them some real life examples that she apparently had collected already. The boys leaned forward, each squinting as they tried to decipher the pixelated screenshots.

“This is not one of those situations.”

Oh.

“What, uh… What do we do then?” James asked.

Kelly clicked a button on her remote, effectively switching to the next slide she had prepared. This time there was just a video simply titled: ‘Our Statement’. Huh.

“I mean… Yeah. That makes sense.” Logan said casually, shrugging.

“Okay, sure, but… What do we say?” Carlos asked.

Kendall started to answer, but Kelly held up a hand to stop him. 

“I’ll leave that up to you guys. You can all write a script together, and memorize it instead of reading it off of cue cards, so it doesn’t come across as disingenuous,” She said as she shut the projector off, moving to stand in front of the screen. “Typically your PR team and possibly a lawyer would write it for you, but as you already know, we no longer have access to those resources. That does kinda work out better for us though. I know you guys would rather speak directly to your fans. It’ll be more effective coming right from the heart anyway. I’m just gonna need to approve your script before you make the video, alright? We still need to be strategic about this.”

This was a lot of information for the boys to be taking in all at once, but… Yeah. Alright. They’ve dealt with worse before. They could do this.

“Oh, we so got this.” Kendall said with a grin so wide, it was contagious. The other three boys smiled back at him, nodding in agreement.

“Uh huh, you sure do! So, get to writing, blondie.” Kelly demanded in a deadpan tone, pointing to the door with her pen.

“Alrighty.”

James did not have this. Maybe the other boys did, but he really did not. 

The somewhat unexpected apprehension he found himself feeling just before the audition that helped get him to this very point was rearing its ugly head again, all these years later. The statement they were about to release could make or break the rest of their careers. That audition and this attempt at damage control were life altering events, both having the potential for heartbreak. The audition ended up changing his life in a positive way, leaving his heart intact. He wasn’t all that confident he’d get so lucky a second time. His fate wasn’t being held in the hands of just a singular person this time, it was now being held by millions worldwide. The band as a whole was under so much pressure; it almost felt like a tangible weight was holding him down, stealing all of the air from his lungs. 

James was really itching for a drink now. He wanted something strong, something that would relieve the pressure, breathe the air back into his lungs, no matter how much it burned as it did so. He could maybe do this drunk, he’s not so sure he can do this sober. He knows he doesn’t want to, at least. He got the rush he was once looking for, and now he found himself regretting it. This wasn’t worth it. Everything else, sure, their careers have been amazing. He’s not ready to face the end of it, whether it actually happens or not didn’t matter. It felt like he was facing his mortality, which was quite morbid, he knew, but it was equally terrifying for him. He definitely can’t do this. Not sober.

“Guys, I can’t do this.”

Three pairs of eyes immediately lock onto James but he can’t bring himself to meet any of them. He thinks he might throw up if he even tries. Especially if he were to look at Kendall, he absolutely could not deal with Kendall right now. 

“You can do this, James.”

Of course Kendall never backed down when presented with the opportunity to encourage his best friends. How dare he be such a caring person, honestly. Kendall made James sick, in every sense of the word. Bastard.

“No, Kendall, I really can’t,” James insisted, frantically shaking his head, still refusing to look any of his bandmates in the eyes. “I don’t know how any of you think you can! This is a nightmare that we’re never gonna wake up from!”

“James!”

Finally, hazel meets green, and James still wants to throw up a little bit, but it was mostly comforting because—as much as he loathes to admit it—Kendall was pretty good at calming his frazzled nerves. He always has been, that’s just how their friendship worked. James would freak out about something and then Kendall would always be right there to get him through it. It’s how they got here. Maybe it wasn’t such a good thing.

“Listen to me, man,” Kendall says, or demands more like, and James does. He’s still willing to do anything Kendall says because technically Kendall has never steered him wrong before; the answer to the age-old question ‘If your friend jumped off a bridge, would you do the same?’ was a hard yes for James. Always a yes, even when he knows he’d likely be regretting it eventually. “You’re James freakin’ Diamond,” Kendall continues and James swears he can taste bile in his throat despite nothing coming up. He was also way too sober for one of Kendall’s speeches. He preferred having the encouragement in the moment, and then later on completely forgetting what it had even been for in the first place. “The James Diamond I know gets scared but gets shit done anyway. The James Diamond I know doesn’t back down. Would we be here right now if you didn’t overcome your fears? If you didn’t believe in yourself? No, so where’s that James?”

That James wasn’t real.  

Well, maybe he was real, but he was buried deep down, only ever brought out by his friends for show, to keep up the façade of vanity that everyone took at face value because it was easy to believe.

“But that was mostly just because you guys were there to support me,” James reminds him, telling half the truth, his voice still strong but his eyes filled with tears. “You weren’t going to audition initially. Y-You… You didn’t want this as badly as I did. You had clearer heads. This time is so different, man. This time we’re all fucked.”

“James,” Logan interjects, surprising James so much he nearly chokes on nothing but air. Hazel meets brown. James has no idea how to feel this time. “I don’t feel great about this either. Trust me, man. I’ve gone through every worst case scenario in my head a million times already. But we’re together, okay? Whatever happens, we’ll always have that. We’ll always have each other.”

“Always?” James asks but he regrets it the second the word leaves his mouth. He sounded so small and pathetic, nothing like the James his friends thought he was. ‘James freakin’ Diamond’, as Kendall put it.

“Always.” Carlos answers, hazel now meeting a slightly different shade of brown. James still doesn’t know how to feel, but he definitely wants to throw up still. 

“Okay.” James replies, not as confidently as he would like to but confident enough. 

“Okay.” Kendall echoes, and James just has to laugh. 

That whole interaction between them all was basically just a weird, butchered ‘Okay? Okay. Maybe okay will be our always.’ moment. Honestly, what were they, tween girls in a book club? James found himself almost wishing that they were, it sounded just a little more pleasant and a lot less stressful than their current situation. Anything did, really.

Okay, no. James was done thinking. His thoughts got really weird when he was stressed, weirder than usual which really shouldn’t even be possible.

“Ready, boys?” Kelly asks suddenly, her index finger hovering just above the record button on the camera placed in front of them. 

Hardly. Even with his friends’ support, James was still too much of a coward without a little bit of liquid courage.

“As we’ll ever be.” Logan says for them, grinning at Kelly.

But fuck it. They were here, it was now or never. And never just wasn’t an option, no matter how much James wished it could be. This wasn’t just about him. His brothers needed him, and James took risks for them and them alone.

With an encouraging nod, Kelly presses record and steps back to join Gustavo behind the camera.

“Hey, everyone,” Kendall greets, taking the lead. “Kendall, Logan, James, and Carlos from Big Time Rush here. As I’m sure you already know, there’s been some rumors about us floating around. So, we wanted to make this video for you to address them, and put them to rest,”

“First things first, Carlos and I?” Logan continued, gesturing to Carlos who was sitting beside him on his right. “Not dating. Never were, never will be. Paparazzi just did what they do best. They took pictures of something totally innocent, and twisted it to fit their bullshit narrative. I mean, seriously, I thought we were pretty clear about our relationship before all of this happened. This kid is like my brother.”

“This kid is my brother,” Carlos corrected with a playful punch to Logan’s shoulder, making the other three chuckle a bit. Twin looks from Gustavo and Kelly shut them up, forcing them to get back on track. “And we’re not toxic,” Carlos continued, looking directly into the lens. “Yeah, we fight sometimes, but that’s just what brothers do! We all fight. Like this, see,”

Carlos let out a battle cry as he slapped his helmet onto his head, and then—just as the others were realizing they should probably be trying to prevent whatever was about to occur—he tackled Kendall to the floor. 

“Carlos!” Everyone yelled. 

“What?” Carlos asked as he popped back up, his expression a genuine display of innocence and confusion. He really didn’t think he had done anything wrong. The video had no real excitement to it, and they needed to keep their viewers engaged, so he thought adding some action to it would help. They should be thanking him.

“That wasn’t in the script!” Gustavo screamed, throwing his copy of the script up into the air in his frustration. “Why’d you do that?!”

“It felt right!” Carlos whined, frowning once he realized his efforts to improve the video were going unnoticed. “The video was just so boring!”

Gustavo was shaking again, so visibly angry that steam was practically pouring out of his ears. Carlos grabbed Logan’s arm, jumping behind him for protection. Logan just sighed, reluctantly allowing him to use him as a shield.

“We can fix it in post!” Kelly said to Gustavo quickly, trying to prevent another explosion of anger.

“Okay, you’re right, you’re right. It’ll be fine. We’ll just,”

“No,” Kendall piped up, still on the floor. “Keep it in. We wanna be real.”

Just as he was beginning to calm down, Kendall’s request had nearly set Gustavo off again, his eye starting to twitch. 

Carlos, however, had his frown flipped right upside down. At least someone appreciated his contributions. Deciding to be brave, he stepped out of the safe zone that Logan had been providing him with to offer Kendall his hand. Kendall rolled his eyes, but he accepted the help up, getting right back into his seat like nothing ever happened. 

“Fine! Just get on with it.” Gustavo demanded, looking away as if he couldn’t bear to watch anymore which he probably couldn’t.

Carlos jumped back into his seat as well, keeping his helmet on. Gustavo didn’t look too pleased about that either, but he takes a deep breath in order to remain calm, deciding to just let it go.

“Anyway, this is the hard part,” James said to the camera once everyone was settled, bringing them back on topic. “But we want to be honest with you guys…”

“One of the rumors is true, unfortunately,” Kendall continued. “It’s not for any personal reasons, but we are struggling to keep Big Time Rush going. There are a lot of crazy things going on behind the scenes right now, things we can't really talk about... But don’t panic. We’re not giving up. We’re doing everything we can to stay together.”

“And you guys might just get the chance to help us,” Logan carried on. “Nothing’s set in stone yet, but we’re planning on going back on tour. Your support would really go a long way in keeping the band alive. Not even just keep us alive actually, you could give us a whole new life. A chance to start over, and do things our way. So, stay tuned. We’ll have more details on that for you soon.”

“We also just wanted to say thanks for all of your support over the years, Rushers. We love you guys!” Carlos shouted, forming a heart with his hands. The other boys noticed this, immediately doing the same.

“You guys truly are the best fans in the world.” Logan said, winking at the lens. 

“Yeah, so, just stick around. We’re not going anywhere. For now though, we’re gonna leave this video here. We got a lot of work to do. Right, boys?” 

The others looked at Kendall and nodded, each of them adorning smiles so big their faces were starting to hurt. They were all feeling a rather overwhelming sense of hope now, even James; there was no buzz needed this time.

“We’ll see you, guys.” James said, blowing a kiss at the lens. 

Logan and Carlos looked at each other, forming a plan through facial expressions alone. As soon as they were on the same page they ran up to the camera, both laughing as they covered the lens with their hands. Kelly stopped the recording soon after, successfully ending the video with a practical effect. Logan and Carlos rejoined Kendall and James then, the four of them commemorating their successful recording session with high fives and quick hugs.

“Well, I guess that was okay.” Gustavo said, instantly bringing the mood back down. 

The boys weren’t at all surprised by the lukewarm response from Gustavo—that’s just how he always was, they knew this well by now—but it was still a bit disheartening to hear when they were still riding on the high of their accomplishment. 

“It was great,” Kelly corrected as she side-eyed Gustavo, bringing the mood right back up again. “We’ll get the video posted to YouTube and your other socials ASAP. For now, you guys can just head home so you can get started on tour plans. We’ll meet up again at Gustavo’s place soon, okay?”

“You’re letting us plan the tour?” Kendall asked both Kelly and Gustavo, giving them a suspicious look. “Is this a trick, or some kind of test? What’s the catch?”

“No tricks, no tests, no catch. You’re planning on buying the rights yourselves, aren’t you? You guys are gonna be running the show from now on.” Kelly explained, looking surprised that they didn’t already know this.

All four boys’ jaws dropped at this revelation, none of them quite sure on how to respond. Gustavo shifted awkwardly as he was also feeling unsure about what he should say, if he even should say anything.

“Wait,” Kendall said once he recovered from his shock, suddenly remembering the last thing Kelly had said. “You’re letting us back in your mansion? After what happened last time, really?” He asked Gustavo, looking at him in disbelief.

“I’m not happy about it, but what choice do I have?! Rocque Records is getting shut down, they’re forcing us out of here soon.”

“Well, in that case, we promise not to wreak any havoc this time. We’re adults, we know better now. Right, guys?” Kendall said, brows raised as he glared at each of his bandmates. 

They were completely unresponsive though, all three of them still in varying states of shock. 

“Oh, for the love of…” Kendall snaps them out of it with two quick claps in front of their faces, the sound of the impact so loud that it reverberates off the walls. 

“Right.” They all agreed right away, shaking their heads in a silent but more honest disagreement.

“Okay, well, maybe we,”

“Just get out.”

“Yep, see ya.”

Back home, Kendall had immediately gathered the boys in the living area so they could start planning their tour. They were all spread out on the couch together, literally spitballing ideas as James and Carlos spat chewed up tissues out of straws for every suggestion they agreed with.

“We should only hit our best selling cities,” Logan said, taking notes. “We’ll stand a better chance at making the money we need that way. “Good ol’ profit maximization, baby.”

“Logan, I love your brain.” Kendall said.

Logan simply grinned in response to Kendall’s compliment, staying focused on his notes. 

James and Carlos said nothing. They just shot spitballs at Logan’s notebook in response to his idea, both of them cackling as they hit it dead on. 

Logan sighed, deciding not to say anything about it. He’d just be wasting his breath. He was really hoping that ignoring his friends’ antics entirely would be enough to help him maintain his sanity.

“Ooh, we could make our own merch to sell at the shows!” James suggested, earning a spitball from Carlos.

“Okay, that’s a great idea,” Kendall said, nodding slowly at James like he wasn’t fully onboard yet. “How are we gonna do that?”

“Katie.”

“Right.”

“What’s our set list gonna be?” Logan asked, looking up from his notebook just as he finished jotting down James’s merch idea.

“Mostly covers, I guess.” Kendall replied, shrugging.

“Okay, yeah, but what songs, genius?”

“How about a Britney song? I bet it’d be a lot of fun!” Carlos proposed, nearly falling off the couch in his excitement. “Oh, can we please do one? Please, please, please?” He continued to plead with James and Logan, giving them his saddest puppy dog eyes to try to win them over. Kendall was safe this time since Carlos was almost positive that he wouldn’t need to be persuaded. 

“Or two,” Kendall suggested— yep, definitely didn’t need to be persuaded—and then he just smirked at James and Logan, watching as their resolve started to crumble. 

“Yeah, yeah!” Carlos shouted, repeatedly smacking James’s arm. “Let’s do two, let’s do two!”

James glared at Carlos, halting the assault on his arm by grabbing his wrist mid hit. “Watch it, buddy. ‘The Arms’ are just as important as ‘The Face’ so I’d appreciate it if you didn’t bruise them.”

Carlos slouched against the cushions once James released him, now directing his puppy dog look solely to Logan.

“Aw, come on, guys, look at him,” Kendall continued when Logan remained unaffected, reaching over to squish Carlos’s cheeks with one hand. “You know you can’t say no to this face.”

Carlos nodded as best as he could with Kendall’s hold on his head, batting his lashes at both boys.

Instead of answering right away, James and Logan shared matching looks of exasperation, both sighing. They each cracked a small smile as well, however, they just couldn’t help it. They didn’t actually have any objections to doing a Britney Spears song (or two)—they did in fact like a select few themselves—and Kendall was right, they did find it quite difficult to say no to Carlos. They had only been a little reluctant to agree because Britney seemed to have a weird chokehold on the other half of their band and it was honestly kind of irritating at times. Kendall and Carlos were both obsessed with her entire discography. She has never nor could she ever make a bad song, if you asked them. Their obsession was borderline unhealthy at times. Neither James nor Logan understood it. 

“Yeah, we can do some Britney, I guess.” James said. He didn’t bother reloading his straw with another spitball for this idea.

“Yes!” Carlos shouted, high fiving Kendall.

“Just don’t be annoying about it! If I hear Britney every waking moment on this tour I promise you I’m jumping out of the bus while it’s moving.”

“Okay, sure, we’ll keep Britney on the stage if you keep The Pussycat Dolls in your headphones.”

James sputtered, trying to deny Kendall’s call out but he quickly gave up, knowing it was pointless. 

“Yeah, don’t think we forgot about your obsession with Nicole Scherzinger.” Kendall continued, smirking as James started to blush.

“Oh, shut up, Kendall!” James shouted at Kendall, throwing a pillow at his head.

Kendall dodged it easily, laughing when it hit Carlos instead. “You giant idiot. Look what you’ve done now.”

Carlos immediately retaliated by tackling James to the floor, the both of them now attempting to wrestle the other into submission.

“Kendall, please make them stop,” Logan begged, looking just about ready to join them if they didn’t knock it off any time soon. 

“Why me?”

“It’s kinda your fault,”

“No, it’s not,”

“Yes, it is, if you didn’t,”

Before Logan and Kendall can continue their bickering, James jumps back up, leaving Carlos on the floor as he whines about how his ‘spleen hurts’.

Kendall just watches as James starts to fix his hair with his lucky comb which seems to force Carlos to recover quickly, taking the opportunity to try to mess James’s hair up even further.

“Cut it out!” Logan yelled, flinging his pen at Carlos’s helmet to get his attention. Logan then immediately picked the pen up off the floor, not trusting any of his friends to not use it as a weapon. “You two are ridiculous.”

“Fine.” Carlos huffed, returning to his seat. 

Once everything settled down again, Carlos and Kendall turned to each other, smirking and doing their personal handshake to celebrate them getting their way.

“Dorks.” Logan muttered through an obviously fake cough, watching their overly complicated handshake.

“Sorry, what was that, Logiebear?” Kendall asked, reminding him that he and Carlos weren’t the only dorks present.

“Nothing.” 

“Okay, can we get back on track now, please?” James asked, somehow becoming the responsible one of them again. They weren’t even drunk this time, that just wasn’t fair. What was happening to them? 

“Right, set list,” Kendall said, pointing finger guns in James’s direction. “Well, obviously we’re doing the classic boy bands. Beatles, NSYNC, Backstreet Boys. Maybe two songs from each of them too.”

“Let me guess,” Logan said, already writing out a set list in his notebook. “For Britney: ‘Oops, I Did It Again’ and ‘Lucky’, for Beatles: ‘We Can Work It Out’ and ‘Help’, for NSYNC: ‘Bye Bye Bye’ and ‘It’s Gonna Be Me’, for Backstreet Boys: ‘I Want It That Way’ and ‘Everybody’?”

Two spitballs flew into the air, James and Carlos doing their own handshake when they stuck to the ceiling. Logan looked up at them briefly, and then he just stared at Kendall with a blank expression, waiting for his answer. Sanity must remain intact.

“Yeah, obviously,” Kendall replied, scoffing as he tore his own gaze away from the spitballs. “But we should throw in some of our unreleased stuff too... They’re… mostly finished, right?”

Two very reluctant, not so powerful spitballs went the opposite direction this time, pathetically hitting the floor.

“Yeah, sure, totally,” Logan deadpanned, keeping his eyes on his notebook. “Uh, ‘Just Getting Started’ and ‘Blow Your Speakers’ are probably the most polished.”

“Sounds good to me,” Kendall said, looking to James and Carlos for their approval. Both boys nodded with big grins on their faces, spitballs at the ready.

“Hold your fire,” Kendall commanded them, causing Logan to look up at the three of them, his writing paused. “We need something else. Something good. The set list is still way too short.”

“…We could do a few different surprise songs at each show, maybe?” Logan asked, not sounding all that confident in his own idea. “Maybe do a medley?”

“Ooh, yeah, let’s do that!” Carlos shouted, just enthusiastically enough to get Logan to visibly relax. “We could end each show with a little acoustic session! I’ve been getting better at playing the ukulele! And, and, and,” Carlos continued, jumping off the couch to retrieve said instrument from its stand. “We could do some Spanish songs!”

“I mean, sure, Los, that’s a great idea. One problem, we still don't really know much Spanish,” Kendall said, gesturing to himself and the other two boys. “Not enough to sing confidently in it.”

“I’ll teach you guys some songs!” Carlos lilts to the generic chord progression he started strumming on his uke, earning some amused expressions from the boys. “No se preocupen, mi amigos. I may not be entirely fluent myself, but I have the lyrics to a lot of songs memorized! I’m sure we’ll sound great.”

“Alright, we can give it a shot,” Logan said, shrugging. “Sounds fun.”

Kendall nodded in agreement. James just blew a spitball in Carlos’s direction, aiming for his ukulele. He misses it by a few inches so Carlos blows a raspberry back, mocking his failure.

Kendall just shook his head at them, giving all of his bandmates a serious look.

“Alright, boys, focus. We gotta give this tour a good name.”

The rest of the day seemed to melt away as the boys continued their planning. Logan had nearly filled his entire notebook with idea after idea after idea as well as the random little doodles he couldn’t help adding when he got too bored. Now, the setting sun was gradually painting the apartment in a murky blue tint, giving them an excuse to take a break. Obviously turning on a light would just be too much extra work after they’d already been working so hard all day. 

“Shit, I gotta go see Jo,” Kendall said as he jumped up, putting an end to their meeting anyway. “I’ll be back in the morning.”

“Ooh, yeah, I should probably go see Lucy,” James said, jumping up as well. “Have fun without us, losers!”

And just like that, Kendall and James were both speeding out of the apartment to go meet up with their respective partners. Carlos was both relieved and disappointed, an odd mixture that made his stomach churn.

“They suck,” He said to Logan who seemed to be more interested in his phone than him, which was fine, and then he jumped up just to go into the kitchen because he still didn’t have anybody to go see.

“But at least we still have each other!” Carlos continued cheerily, rummaging through the fridge for some drinks. “We can hang out, and make fun of Kendall and James for being giant dorks.”

“Uh, yeah, about that…” Logan said, looking up from his phone and that’s when Carlos realized he wasn’t just scrolling through apps, he had been texting somebody. Oh.

“Don’t tell me you’re leaving too!”

“Sorry, bud. I kinda have a date?”

“With who?” Carlos asked, pouting. 

Since when was Logan seeing anyone? He hasn’t mentioned this at all to any of them, not once. 

“Just some girl I met a little while ago, it’s not important. You gonna be alright by yourself tonight?”

“Yeah, I’m good,” Carlos said glumly before cracking open his energy drink and chugging it. Logan clearly didn’t approve of this action. He was staring at him as if he mixed it with coffee and alcohol and a dash of poison instead of just drinking it straight, but Logan was dramatic like that so Carlos paid him no mind as he headed to his bedroom, saying one last thing to him over his shoulder. “Have fun on your date, man.” His voice came out sounding sarcastic, but he meant every word. 

“Have fun doing whatever it is you get up to on your own.” Logan responded, sounding equally sarcastic, but Carlos knew he was just as genuine as he had been. It was sort of an unspoken thing they had; not really an inside joke but more of a secret language that others could easily understand, sure, but it was still theirs, and it was dumb, and that’s why Carlos loved it. 

Carlos smiles as he shuts his door, but then frowns as he presses his back against it, suddenly feeling a lot more tired than he thought he should be at this time. He really hoped that his energy drink would kick in soon.

Energy drink or not though, he didn’t really lie to Logan, he probably would be fine on his own. He was glad his friends had whole other lives they lived without him, really he was. He just didn't want to be on his own. He was so used to being around people, and they were the key ingredient in keeping his high energy going at all times. Especially when those people were the friends that felt more like blood brothers. There was just something different, something special about the energy they gave him. Being entirely on his own, away from them, with nothing to do but exist made him feel like a forgotten birthday balloon; no longer having a purpose, it slowly deflates, and just drifts aimlessly until inevitably it hits the floor, only able to get back up with some assistance.

Okay, so, maybe he did lie. Maybe he wouldn’t be fine on his own. Maybe he shouldn’t be allowed to be alone if this was what it was going to do to him, but that was a problem he could deal with another day (AKA, never).

Carlos sat down on his bed, grabbing his PS Vita off his nightstand in hopes that some video games would revitalize him, replenishing his oxygen before it could fully deplete. Much unlike the sad, inanimate balloons that he really shouldn’t have been relating to.

A few minutes into his game, the front door slammed shut meaning Logan must have been leaving for his date. Carlos’s mind starts to wander then, now barely paying attention to his slowly dying character as he thought about his friends; Kendall and Jo were most likely doing some wedding planning (Carlos imagined they were either going all out or just doing something super casual, there was no in between), James and Lucy were probably being all mushy and gross as they were still in the honeymoon phase (if that was even a real thing), and Logan was out doing god knows what with god knows who (Carlos just really hoped he wasn’t back with Camille, he always sort of felt like she was a former Jennifer in disguise, method acting taken so far she lost her roots. She scared Carlos just enough for that theory to make sense). 

Whatever his friends were up to, Carlos had a feeling they were happy.

He felt so pathetic—so unhappy—still being the only one without a girlfriend, or even just a person to see, to potentially be with. It’s not like he hasn’t ever been with anyone before, he has, but that was back when he was still a teenager. And being single felt even worse as an adult. It was a Friday night and he was twenty-one now so he should be out mingling with people, if nothing else. But instead he was playing crappy video games in a room he still shared with one of his best friends like they were still teens living with a guardian. Meanwhile, said best friend was out, and actually living while Carlos wasted away.

His stomach suddenly rumbling brings him out of his thoughts, making him realize he hadn’t really eaten much that day. They ordered takeout when they were planning their tour but that was it. There weren’t even any leftovers. There never were. He could go get some corn dogs from the convenience store down the road but that meant he would have to walk there. Kendall and Logan had both of the cars they all shared right now. Once again, he was reminded of how pathetic and alone he was.

“This is so stupid.” Carlos mumbled to himself, pausing his game.

He wasn’t even really sure why he was feeling so bad tonight. Yeah, sure, their entire lives were kind of falling apart at the moment, his three best friends did kind of ditch him all at once, and he did feel a lot more alone than he actually was, but since when did Carlos let things get him down? He was the optimist of the group, always smiling and always looking on the bright side. Every cloud really did have a silver lining, in his eyes. He wasn't even really sure what that meant exactly but he knew that it meant something positive and that’s what he was . A positive guy that strapped on his lucky helmet and grabbed life by the horns (he didn’t really get that phrase either but he understood it enough to use it confidently, he wasn’t that dumb, contrary to popular belief).

Perhaps he was just starting to feel a little tired, always being the happy go lucky one. It was pretty draining. 

Sighing, Carlos leaned over the edge of his bed to grab his shoes. As he did this, something in his peripheral vision caught his attention. His skateboard. Duh. Getting to the store would be much faster on that than on foot. More fun too. Carlos thinks he might understand that phrase a little more now, he wasn’t a cloud but this was his silver lining. Or maybe the cloud was the situation, yeah, that made more sense. And this cloud had a beautiful silver lining; shiny and tempting, calling his name like a siren. He couldn’t hang out with his best buds or go on a date, but he could do some of his other favorite things; performing some crazy skate tricks all while consuming an ungodly amount of corn dogs.

He didn’t need to stay miserable, he was going to go make his own fun. With his helmet already atop his head just like it always was, he threw his shoes on—laces just barely tied—and grabbed his skateboard, quickly leaving the apartment.

He tore down the street at insane speeds on his board, the lights and people of Los Angeles rushing past him in a blur of colors. It’s said that New York was ‘The City That Never Sleeps’, but Carlos thought that was true of LA too. It didn’t matter that it was just past sunset, people were still bustling about and running errands like it was still midday. And that’s what Carlos loved about living here, it was so alive. So unlike his small town back in Minnesota that felt more like a ghost town at times (which would have been cool if that had meant actual ghosts). Even something as simple as convenience stores felt a little more lively here.

Inside the store, Carlos made a beeline for the fresh corn dogs but then a sudden thought had him abruptly turning towards the aisles of prepackaged foods. There was something that cheered him up even more than corn dogs did and that was doing things for his friends.

Carlos left the store a few minutes later, feeling better than ever with four already half eaten corn dogs clutched in one hand and a bag of goodies for his friends in the other. He then hopped back onto his board and pushed forward, turning smoothly onto the street. 

He was nearly home when he accidentally hit the curb of the sidewalk and went flying off his board. He landed on all fours, catching himself just in time to soften the impact. He for sure had gotten some gnarly road rash—a feeling he was very familiar with (thanks Wagonie), almost as familiar as concussions (thanks hockey)—and his jeans were now ripped at the knees where he was likely bleeding but he didn’t really care. Carlos, ever the thrill seeker, just thought that was awesome. He wanted to do it again, on purpose this time.

And so he did. Again. And again. And again. And again and again until he was sure he was bruised all over.

He was really messed up now and he was definitely going to be sore the next day—and it was actually a little scary when his helmet flew off, his head so close to becoming acquainted with the concrete—but he couldn’t care about any of that. He, just like the city, felt so alive. Nothing but the adrenaline rushing through his system mattered at the moment; he didn’t care that the band was falling apart, he didn’t care that his friends ditched him, he didn’t care that he didn’t have a girlfriend. 

And so, making sure his helmet was secure this time, he continued doing it until he decided he had enough. 

He then picked his board up, checked his bags to be sure he still had all of his goodies, and limped his way back home (nothing was broken he was pretty sure, but his knees and shins stung and ached so much he almost couldn’t feel them anymore, and his ribs were even hurting a bit as well but the pain wasn’t excruciating enough for them to be fractured).

He knew he really should stop his wounds from bleeding and clean up his many scrapes, maybe even ice a bruise or two, once he was back in the safety of the apartment but he was far too sore. Instead of doing all of that, Carlos stashed away his haul from the store, and laid on the dining table so he could rest for a while. It wasn’t the comfiest spot to rest, but both the couch and his bed were much too far. He’d probably collapse to the floor before he reached either.

So, the dining table was the best available option.

A few moments later the front door opened, startling Carlos out of his light doze.

“Dude, what are you doing?”

“Huh? L’gan?” Carlos mumbled, wiping the drool from his mouth as he lifted his head off the table. His chest throbbed a bit as he did so but he still refused to believe his ribs were broken, they weren’t because he could move just fine. He was fine.

“The one and only.” Logan responded, looking confused.

Carlos was pretty sure there were a lot more Logans out there than just him—like Wolverine, who was also called James, funnily enough—but okay.

“Oh, hey, man,”

“Could you maybe answer my question now?”

“What question?”

“…What are you doing?”

“What am I doing?” Carlos repeated the question instead of answering it, scoffing. “Dude, what are you doing? Shouldn’t you be with your date right now?”

It really did feel like Logan had only been gone for about fifteen minutes or so, but it could have been hours for all Carlos knew. He wasn’t very good at keeping track of the time, not really seeing the point anyway. He did have a wristwatch on him at all times, but that was for the aesthetic and hypnosis only. 

“Forget about that. I have a new, much more urgent question for you. What the hell happened to your clothes?”

“My clothes? What’s wrong with my,” Carlos replied, looking down at his shirt in confusion and quickly realizing what the problem was. Yeah, he was in pretty bad shape. “Oh, um… I went out, and fell off my board... A few times… Okay, no, it was a lot of times. Like, a lot, a lot.”

Carlos stood up and immediately had to sit back down. He was in so much pain.

“You’re an idiot... C’mere,” Logan said, just before grabbing Carlos by the arm and bringing him into the bathroom. “Sit,” He demanded, pushing Carlos down onto the ledge of the tub.

Carlos pouted up at Logan—the jerk was being way too rough—but then in the better lighting of the bathroom, Carlos noticed that something was different about him. He couldn’t quite put his finger on it, but something definitely changed.

“Quit looking at me like that,” Logan snapped, glancing at Carlos as he sifted through their first aid supplies. 

“You look different.”

Logan turned to face Carlos, tilting his head in confusion. As he did this two silver studs in his left ear caught the light, making them more obvious to Carlos. He then noticed the other two identical studs in his right ear. That's what was so different. 

“You got your ears pierced!” Carlos exclaimed, bouncing in place. He winced when the motion sent bursts of pain through his legs but he smiled through it. This was exciting, Carlos just loved seeing all the different ways his friends expressed themselves. 

“Oh, yeah, that... The girl I’ve been seeing told me she was a piercer and brought me to her shop on our date so I just thought, ‘Fuck it, I’ll get some piercings tonight, why not’,” Logan explained, shrugging. “Started easy with just my ears, but I might do more at some point. Now sit still.”

Logan crouched down in front of Carlos and started to take care of his injured knees, dabbing away the drying blood with a damp cloth. And that’s when Carlos noticed the plastic wrapped tattoo that covered the majority of his right hand and wrist. 

“Uh, you also got a tattoo!” Carlos shouted, grabbing the tattooed wrist so he could get a better look at all of the little details.

“Carlos, chill, dude,” Logan scolded, pulling his hand away immediately. This kid was going to drive Logan mad. “I kinda need both of my hands right now.”

“Right, sorry, Logie,” Carlos mumbled as he started to fidget with his own fingers to keep himself distracted, allowing Logan to get back to work. “I was just a little surprised, ya know… I didn’t think you’d be the type to get piercings and tattoos.”

“Oh, yeah?” Logan asked, snorting. “Why’s that?”

“I dunno, you just… You just don’t seem like the type, that’s all. I can’t explain it.”

“It’s ‘cause I’m a nerd, right? You can say it, it’s okay.”

“No! You’re not even really a nerd, Logan. Just… smart.” Carlos corrected, shaking his head.

“What’s the difference?”

“Nerds are dorky. Being smart isn’t like… inherently dorky… Whoa, ‘inherently’, good word.”

Logan laughed at that—Carlos copying his appreciation for good word usage meant they were definitely spending way too much time together—but then he quickly got serious again. “But I am dorky,”

“Not anymore.”

“Okay, hold on, what are we even doing? This is such a stupid conversation. Just… I pierced my ears and got a tattoo, big deal. Can we move on now?”

“Sure,” Carlos replied, shrugging. He wasn’t really trying to make Logan’s unexpected decisions such a big deal—even though it was the slightest bit concerning how out of nowhere it was—he was just really intrigued by it all. But fine, they could talk about something else. “So, piercings and tattoo aside, how’d the rest of your date go?”

“It was okay,” Logan said as he took one of Carlos’s hands in his so he could take care of his scraped up arms, having finished with his knees already. “I like this girl a lot, but I don’t know… I think we might be better off as friends.”

“Oh… That’s a bummer.”

“Yep.”

The conversation died after that, leaving them in a weird yet mostly comfortable silence as Logan finished tending to the rest of Carlos’s self-inflicted injuries.

“There, you’re all good now,” Logan announced after a while, slowly rising from the floor. “Please don’t throw yourself off your board anymore, bro.”

Wait.

“How’d you know I did it on purpose? I just said I fell.”

Logan chuckled and pulled Carlos to his feet so they were face to face. He then placed his hands on his shoulders, smirking at him. 

“I know you, Carlos. You’re too good at skating to have that many accidents at one time, and you find crazy shit like that fun. You’re also a terrible liar.”  

Oh. Damn Logan and his not so dorky smartness. 

“Well, I’m not stopping! You can’t make me,”

Carlos crossed his arms, glaring playfully at Logan. He expected a laugh in return or even just another smirk, maybe a sassy comment or two, but instead Logan had a pretty serious look on his face. He even looked concerned. 

“What’s up with you, man? You just seem a bit off right now.”

Off? He wasn’t off, he was very much on. He was fine, in fact he’s never felt better. 

“Nah, man, I’m great. Just kinda tired, I guess,”

“You’re still a terrible liar, Los. Talk to me.”

Logan clearly wasn’t going to be letting this go anytime soon. Carlos was too bad of a liar and Logan was too good of a friend.

“I just…” Carlos started, trailing off. He pushed past Logan to get out of the bathroom—it was starting to feel a lot smaller than usual—and then continued speaking in a voice that was much too quiet for Carlos once Logan followed him. “I’m scared, Logie.” He said, instantly regretting it. Carlos was never scared, it shouldn’t even be possible. 

“Scared? You?” Logan asked, chuckling. He stopped once he realized Carlos wasn’t laughing along, he wasn’t even smiling. He was completely serious.

“Well, what are you so scared of?”

“Everything,” Carlos admitted, his lower lip trembling as tears threatened to spill from his eyes. “You told James we’d always have each other, and I agreed with you, but,”

Cutting himself off, Carlos lets out something that was an odd mix of a sob and a laugh, and then instead of continuing he limps his way out of the kitchen to go sit on the couch in the living room. He puts his head in his hands, letting his helmet fall to the floor. He can hear Logan following after him but he doesn’t bother looking up to see where he’s decided to be. He doesn’t really want Logan to see him like this. Sure, they were best friends, but this was still unusual for them. Carlos didn’t get like this ever, he just didn’t. Everything was changing, including himself, and he really didn’t like it.

“Carlos,” Logan said as he placed Carlos’s helmet back on his head, startling him a bit. “You’re kinda freaking me out, man. Talk to me. Please.”

Carlos looked up at Logan then, meeting his eyes right away. Logan’s eyes shone with sympathy while Carlos’s shone with unshed tears. This whole thing was so stupid, everything was stupid. He said as much to Logan, when he finally built up the confidence he didn’t usually lack. He was stupid . 

“It’s not stupid if it’s bothering you this much. And I know I joke about it a lot, but you’re not stupid either,” Logan said, reading Carlos’s mind somehow. “You’re allowed to be upset.”

Carlos looks away, just barely coherent as he mumbles. “I just don’t wanna lose you guys.”

Logan doesn’t say anything right away. Carlos can hear him shifting around, but he doesn’t go anywhere. He just stays quiet, increasing the already uncomfortable tension around them. Carlos is about to give up on this conversation and just go to bed before Logan finally speaks up.

“You’re not gonna lose us,”

The couch dips to Carlos’s left, which likely meant Logan was sitting with him now. Carlos really didn’t want to look over to confirm.

He didn’t have much of a choice though. Logan reached over and wrapped his fingers around his wrist loosely, silently urging him to look his way. Carlos was a little tempted to ignore him still, but the presence of his friends was always incredibly comforting for him and he had been craving it like crazy ever since they all left earlier in the night. Slowly, Carlos turns to face Logan, and at the same time Logan slips his hand into Carlos’s. Carlos almost lets himself cry at that.

“Los, listen to me,” Logan whispered, lightly stroking the back of Carlos’s hand with his thumb. “I meant what I said to James. We’re always gonna have each other. Nothing can take that from us. Not even the end of Big Time Rush.”

“It’s not just that though,” Carlos admitted, looking at the floor to avoid Logan’s eyes. He still felt stupid, especially because of what he was about to admit. “We’re all… We’re all grown up now, and I feel like you guys are way ahead of me. I mean, Kendall’s getting married, and James is in a serious relationship, and I’m sure you’ll be doing all that pretty soon too. You get dates, unlike me. All I have is you guys, but obviously we’re not gonna be living together forever… I just really feel like I’m being left behind, man… I don’t wanna be alone.”

“Carlos... The four of us have been best friends since we were kids. We’re brothers. We’re always gonna be in each other’s lives. We’re always gonna be hanging out and looking out for each other. No matter what. And, look… you’re not gonna be single forever. You’ll find someone to settle down with too. I know you will.”

“I really hope you’re right.” Carlos grumbled, wiping his eyes.

“I’m always right,” Logan said, grinning cockily and that finally got Carlos to smile. Logan suddenly got an idea then, he had an even better way to cheer Carlos up. “Hey, let’s start practicing the Britney songs we’re doing on tour to get your mind off things.”

“Without Kendall and James?” Carlos whispered like they could hear him if he didn’t, eyes wide and looking scandalized.

“Yeah, you can call dibs on the best parts,”

“So, every line?”

“Yeah, sure,” Logan said, laughing. “You can do a solo act. And Kendall can deal with it.”

“Heck yeah!”

The next morning, James and Kendall came back home to a rather adorable sight. 

Logan and Carlos were sound asleep, curled up on the couch together; Logan had an arm around Carlos who was laying flat on his back but still snuggled in between Logan’s side and the back of the couch. Various lyric sheets were littered all around them, one resting on Carlos’s face like he fell asleep while reading it. 

The very first thing they did upon discovering this was take multiple pictures with their phones of course; they were good memories to look back on and laugh about but mostly they were potential blackmail. Opportunities like that did come more than once in a lifetime for them but they were still pretty rare and therefore way too good to pass up.

“Ya know, this kind of shit is why people think they’re dating.” Kendall said, still staring at Logan and Carlos as he pocketed his phone.

“Again, you have no room to talk, Knight. You’re worse than they are combined,” James reminded Kendall, reluctantly tearing his eyes away from the sleeping pair to look over at him. “I wouldn’t be surprised if there are some people out there that think you’re dating all three of us.”

“Oh, like you’re any better! You made me take a stupid boyfriend quiz, and then ended our nonexistent relationship when I failed it!”

“Dude, that is so not the same thing. That was literally the only time I’ve ever done something like that, and it’s not like I was being all touchy feely with you or anything.”

“No, you just made my mother think we were together. Do you have any idea how awkward that was for me?”

“Oh, my freakin’… Kendall, this happened years ago. Get over it, man. I thought you were over it. ”

“I am over it. You get over it,” Kendall muttered childishly, crossing his arms. James just rolled his eyes and ignored him so he left it at that. “Anyway, we should probably wake them up now.” He continued, poking both Logan and Carlos on the cheek to see if either of them would react at all. Nada.

“I’m sorry, ‘we’?” James scoffed. “There’s no ‘we’. You wanna wake them up, go right ahead, my friend. I want no part in it.”

“You’re unbelievable,”

“I’m unbelievable?”

“Yeah, it’s never ‘we’ with you,”

“Are we really doing this right now? What even is this?”

“It’s me being fed up with everything,”

“Okay, Kendall, you can throw your little hissy fit, that’s fine. But don’t drag me into it,”

“Hissy fit? Really? You know, sometimes you’re just so,”

“My god, do you even hear yourselves?” Logan grumbled, abruptly cutting Kendall off.

James and Kendall turn back towards the sofa, surprised to see that he was wide awake and sitting up against the armrest.

“What the hell, man, how long have you been awake?”

“You two fight like an old married couple,” Logan muttered, blatantly ignoring James as he reached down to grab his unfinished energy drink from the floor, taking a quick sip of it. “But yeah, sure, Carlos and I are the sus ones.”

“Do you see yourselves?! You’re definitely the sus ones!”

“What, bros can’t cuddle?” Logan asked, grinning at James. “Don’t act like you’ve never done it,”

“I haven’t! Not like that!”

“Aw, Jamie, are you jealous? It’s okay, I can cuddle you like this too if you want.” Logan offered, only half serious as he reached his arms out, making a grabby hand gesture at James.

“Your face can cuddle with my… fist… That, uh… That was… Never mind.”

Logan snorted at James’s absolute failure of a comeback, nearly choking on his drink as he took another swig from it.

“Let Carlos sleep, by the way,” Logan said once he recovered, glancing down at the sleeping boy. “He had a rough night.”

“Oh, I bet,” James said, wiggling his eyebrows suggestively.

“Funny.” Logan replied sarcastically, sneering back at James.

“It’s really funny,”

“Anyway, Kendall, talk to me,” Logan said, setting his drink back down. “Why are you starting one of your little bitch fights with James this early?”

“Whoa, now hold on a second, they’re not bitch fights,”

“James? Shut up. Kendall? Talk to daddy,”

“Dude! Don’t do that!” Kendall shouted, covering his reddening face with his hands. His paper white skin made his blush incredibly obvious and he hated it almost more than he hated Logan doing that.

“Okay, okay, I’m sorry,” Logan said through his laughter, throwing his hands up in surrender. “But seriously, man,” He continued as he slid off the couch, causing the still sleeping Carlos to slump down against the cushions. “Why are you snapping at James for literally no reason at all?”

Kendall doesn’t answer right away. Not because he was avoiding the question of course, he would never do such a thing. He just needed to do something important first. He sits next to where Carlos was slouched over and lifts the boy’s head into his lap slowly, careful not to wake him. The position that Logan left him in did not look comfortable. He was just being a good friend. Once he’s positive Carlos is going to stay asleep, Kendall reluctantly looks over at Logan who was now leaning against the kitchen bar. But then he realizes this was the first time he was properly looking at Logan since he got back to the crib. He had been too distracted by him and Carlos cuddling and then the little argument he had started with James to notice that there was something different about him. That something being piercings and a tattoo. 

“Hold on a second. When the hell did you pierce your ears and get a tattoo?”

James looks over at Logan and judging by his expression he also hadn’t noticed these things until just now.

“Last night.”

“Last night? Why? You don’t have Hollywood Fever again, do you?”

“Okay, seriously? Why is me getting piercings and a tattoo so weird for everyone? I wanted them so I got them. Is that a problem?”

“No, no, it’s fine,” Kendall assured Logan quickly, shaking his head. “Just didn’t really expect it from you.”

“Well, expect it.” Logan spat—it was Kendall’s turn to put his hands up in surrender now—and came back to join his friends in the living room. “Can we move on now?”

“Yeah, I wanna know why you just started bitching at me out of nowhere,” James said, looking at Kendall expectantly. “What did I do?”

“You didn’t do anything, James,” Kendall replied, sighing. “I’m sorry. I’ve just been really stressed out about the band stuff, and then Jo and I got into it last night, and I don’t know… I just took it out on you, I guess.”

“Oh, that’s rough, buddy,” James said, sitting on the coffee table. “You wanna talk about it?”

“Not really. I kinda just wanna forget it happened until I can talk to her about it.”

“Stop doing that.”

“Doing what?”

“Shutting us out! You never let us in! That's why you blow up on us. We’re your best friends, man. Just talk to us.”

“I don’t need to talk,”

“Bullshit,”

“Okay, relax,” Logan interjected, getting in between James and Kendall. They weren’t getting in each other’s faces, but Logan had a feeling they would be if he didn’t intervene. “It’s still way too early for this. Let’s just go get breakfast and figure out what the hell we’re doing today.”

“Well, someone has to wake Carlos up first,” James said, gesturing to the couch. He was dead asleep. 

“Nose goes.” Kendall and Logan said in unison, touching their own noses.

“I hate you guys so much.” James stated, scowling at the both of them. 

James was going to kill them if Carlos didn’t get him first. This was the worst possible thing they could have done to him. Most people would expect Carlos to be a morning person, all bright smiles with a chipper attitude during times so early it should be illegal, but that couldn’t be further from the truth. Mornings were the only times they’ve seen Carlos truly grumpy. Mornings were the times they would literally be bitten if they so much as looked at him wrong. The kid was feisty when he wanted to be. So, yeah, getting tasked with waking him up was something that no one in their right mind would want. 

“Well? Get on with it,” Kendall said, nearly pushing James over the edge. James would punch him if he was the kind of person to do such a thing to his best friends over something so trivial. Kendall was lucky he wasn’t.

“If this kid bites me again I’m wiping his saliva on your stupid face, kid,” James warned Kendall, kneeling down to Carlos’s level. His head was still in Kendall’s lap, he realized, so really this should be Kendall’s problem. Sighing, James continued speaking, this time in a soft voice directed to Carlos. “Hey, Carlitos. You gotta wake up, man.” 

“No, mami, you wake up,” Carlos grumbled, still asleep, his fist flying out and nearly hitting James in the face. The face.

Kendall and Logan both laughed at that, each of them immediately earning their own death glares from James. That shut them right up.

“Oh, fuck this,” James muttered to himself before leaning away from Carlos and shouting into his cupped hands, “Oh, no way! Free corn dogs!”

The reaction was instantaneous; Carlos shot up, nearly falling off the couch and right into James’s lap as he slurred out, “Huh, what, corn dogs? Where?!”

“I lied. But we are getting food. So get your ass up.”

“Aw, man, I was having the coolest dream ever. And I was right in the middle of a super good part! You suck, James.”

“Sorry, man,”

“You will be,”

“Okay, enough of that. You can just relive your dream by telling us all about it in the car, Litos. Come on,” Kendall said gently, standing and pulling Carlos up with him. 

Carlos immediately slumped against Kendall, refusing to walk on his own like a cranky toddler, teeth bared with the threat of biting if Kendall didn’t allow it. Kendall just sighed and held his jaw shut—which got him a snarl in response, he would laugh if he was in the mood to—before literally dragging him out of the apartment with the others in tow, not caring that none of them were dressed properly. The paps have already seen them all in things that were far worse than sleepwear that could easily be passed off as loungewear anyway. 

Their go-to diner was emptier than usual, only two people sat at the bar. The air was dead when usually it was abuzz with chatter and quiet music. Right now it felt more like the apocalypse had happened without their knowledge, the few survivors flocking to this diner to pretend that the world had never changed. Maybe that’s what they were doing here; clinging onto some semblance of normality in a place that has always reminded them of their hometown, pretending the life they lived just outside these walls wasn’t falling apart.

Or maybe they just needed to eat and Kendall’s brain was being dramatic for no reason.

Kendall shifted in his seat as he pushed his food around with his fork instead of putting it into his mouth, the pleather of the booth sticking uncomfortably to his exposed arms. He was really starting to regret not changing his shirt now, he was only in a muscle tee which was great for laying on linen but not so great for sitting in a diner that was sticky in more ways than one.

He continued pushing his food around even after James nudged him gently in the side, trying to get him to focus. He could barely focus on breathing normally, let alone eating. Everything was so messed up yet here they were, ignoring it all and eating crappy eggs like it would make them feel better. Maybe this diner trip was something more than just a way to fulfill a need and Kendall’s brain wasn’t as dramatic as he had previously thought. Maybe he had been exactly right and so maybe he should stop questioning his own thoughts like someone else was thinking them. Maybe, just maybe, if he bashed his head into a wall enough times he would be able to stop arguing with his own brain. 

Kendall really wished someone would say something, the silence that settled around them was unnerving but he was afraid to break it himself, afraid that his stupid brain would make him say something he wasn’t ready to say.

“You gonna eat, man?” Carlos asked, unknowingly granting Kendall’s wish. The topic of conversation wasn’t exactly what he was hoping for but it would do. “You really should,”

“Nope, not hungry,” Kendall replied right away, shoving his plate towards Carlos who had already devoured his own food and happily accepted it. James and Logan looked less than pleased with him, but why should they even care. It’s not like he wanted to starve himself.

“Quit it, you two,” Kendall snapped, looking out of the window on his right. “It’s not a big deal, I just don’t feel well.”

Kendall hears James and Logan sigh and he can still feel Carlos’s eyes on him, but thankfully none of them make any unnecessary comments. He’s weirdly grateful that they’re pushing their concern for him aside for the time being. They just had more important things to focus on right now.

“We should go run our tour plans by Gustavo and Kelly when we’re done here,” Logan said, pulling out his phone to text them. “The sooner we get this all over with, the better.”

“We desperately need to go grocery shopping too,” Kendall muttered, suddenly finding it too difficult to talk about the band. He knew they needed to, he wanted to, he just couldn’t do it anymore. He and his brain were still arguing, apparently. “So, we should probably do that afterwards.”

“Okay,” Logan said slowly, like he was picking up on Kendall’s internal conflict, and well, he probably was. “Ya know, I really think we should hit the rink and play a few games once all our errands are done. All four of us, we really need the break.”

Kendall could not agree more.

Hours later, their tour was fully mapped out and scheduled. It wasn’t just an idea anymore. It was real, it was happening.

Their first show would be right at home in Los Angeles in three weeks, and then they’d hit the rest of their stops over the course of four weeks. And if everything goes according to plan they’ll be one step closer to taking what should have been theirs right from the start, if you asked Kendall. It was pretty ridiculous that they’ve been singing songs that didn't even belong to them. In a way, this disaster was really a blessing. An incredibly stressful blessing, but a blessing nonetheless.

The boys were now in their local grocery store, grabbing anything and everything. They didn’t really care too much about what exactly they were getting, they were in a rush to get to the rink before it closed for the day.

Kendall trudged down the aisles, slightly struggling to push the cart since it was now filled to the brim and Carlos was buried beneath it all. Kendall had built up quite a good bit of muscle over the years thanks to strength training for hockey, but apparently not enough. Kendall was damn near ready to just abandon the stupid cart and head straight for the rink. The ice was calling for him, he needed it way more than he needed sustenance. The air so crisp and cool he could smell it, the ice scraping under his skates, and the thrill of the competition; those were the things that truly fueled him, kept him going when thoughts of giving up were more enticing than frightening.

“Kendall,” Logan said, snapping him back to reality. His vision suddenly came back into focus, making him realize he hadn’t actually been seeing anything in front of him for the past few minutes. Now everything was crystal clear; Carlos was in his own little world as he was already tearing into a container of cookies which was no surprise to any of them, Logan was giving him that look like he was nothing more than a patient of his, and James was smirking like Kendall dissociating in a grocery store was amusing to him. All three of his best friends sucked, Kendall decided. He needed to get new ones more than Logan did.

“We’re leaving.” Logan continued, pulling the cart out of Kendall’s grasp. Kendall felt it slip from his fingers in slow motion, watching as it disappeared around the corner and took his friends along with it.

Kendall must have gone back on autopilot as they checked out and brought their groceries back home because suddenly he found himself lacing up his skates in the ice rink, hometown jersey and protective gear already on, with absolutely no recollection of how he had gotten there. Kendall really hoped he wasn’t the one that drove them there.

“You good to go, dude?” James asked, suddenly appearing beside him, all geared up himself. 

Before Kendall can answer him, Carlos who was already skating laps on the ice calls out, “I call dibs on Kendall for the first game,” lisping slightly, thanks to his mouth guard.

Kendall is more than okay with that, goaltending was probably the most difficult position in hockey but for Carlos it had become second nature. He was the best of the best, always the one to outshine the goalies in the grades above them back in school. And even though Kendall favored playing center he could be a great defenseman too, Kendall and Carlos as a duo against another duo just worked. James and Logan did have their strengths for smaller games as well but Kendall and Carlos lived and breathed hockey, had it in their blood. They were the ones to introduce the other two to the sport, the ones playing it ever since they could walk. They had the advantage over them and they knew it.

Grinning at James, Kendall gives his answer by popping his mouth guard in and then makes his way onto the ice where he immediately bumps fists with Carlos.

Then James and Logan were joining them and the game was on. 

Finally, Kendall wasn’t thinking. His mind blank, he feels nothing but the rush of adrenaline in his veins. He felt alive, for the first time in a while. He wonders briefly if this was how Logan felt last night; usually so indecisive about the smallest of things, somehow deciding to make alterations to his body on a whim, but then he’s in possession of the puck and his mind shuts the fuck up for good this time. 

He whips past James easily, keeping the puck on him as he makes his way towards the net Logan was defending and then takes his first slap shot of the game. Logan’s a decent goalie but he’s no Carlos, he can’t go against someone like Kendall who could play in his sleep. He dives for the puck and misses it by an inch, slamming down onto the ice as it smacks into the net behind him. Kendall and Carlos cheer for themselves like it was the winning shot and not the first, and James looks like he’s seconds away from illegally checking one of them into the boards just to shut them up. Kendall missed this so much.

Unsurprisingly, Kendall and Carlos do win the first game and of course they rub it in but it was all in good fun and Logan and James were laughing along with them just like always. 

They switch up the teams for the second game, Carlos on offense with James as his goalie and Kendall on offense with Logan as his. Normally they would completely switch positions as well but Logan wanted a chance to redeem himself, to hopefully be a better goalie for Kendall than he was for James.

They’re halfway through the game when Kendall has the opportunity to steal the puck from Carlos, legally checking him into the boards in order to do so. But then Carlos doesn’t get up right away and Kendall can’t help being concerned. He just stays down on the ice, wheezing like the wind was knocked out of him but Kendall swears he didn’t check him that hard. He never does, not to any of them. Kendall drops his stick, quickly skating back over to Carlos and the other two follow, Logan cursing like he knew something they didn’t. And maybe he did, he was the only one with Carlos last night. If something did happen Kendall was totally in the dark about it and that just wasn’t acceptable.

“Carlitos,” Kendall cooed as he approached Carlos like Carlos wasn’t the toughest hockey player Kendall’s ever known, but he couldn’t help it. He was extremely protective of his best friends, and something was wrong. “Carlos, buddy,”

“M’fine,” Carlos said but he wasn’t because he still wasn’t getting up even though Carlos always got right back up, injuries be damned.

“I shouldn’t have let this idiot play today,” Logan said as he skated to Carlos’s other side, James coming up between him and Kendall. So, Logan did know something. And that’s when Kendall remembers Logan telling them to let Carlos sleep, that he had a ‘rough night’, whatever that meant .

“What’d he do this time?” James asked, knowing full well whatever had happened was no accident. Kendall would usually agree but something felt different about it this time.

“He kept throwing himself off his skateboard last night,” Logan huffed, hurriedly stripping his gear and carelessly tossing it aside.

“Yeah, ‘cause it was freakin’ awesome!” 

Rolling his eyes, Logan kneeled down to Carlos’s level. “It was not awesome. You were bleeding profusely, and you were in so much pain that you were limping, you idiot. Now, come on, Litos, get off the ice. I’m benching you, and making sure you’re okay,” He demanded softly, offering him a hand. 

That’s what was so different. They were all used to Carlos doing reckless shit for fun, but he’s never hurt himself so much that one of them checking him would bench him before. Not on purpose.

“I’m fine! We don’t need to make this such a big deal!” Carlos yelled as he continued to wheeze, now clutching his chest like speaking was painful. Logan jumped back in surprise while Kendall and James just watched the scene unfold, unsure how to react. “Just like we don’t need to make your sudden impulsivity a big deal. Or James’s insecurities, or Kendall’s stubborn bullshit. Right, guys? I’m fine, you’re fine, we’re all just perfectly freakin’ fine, aren’t we?” 

“Carlos,” Kendall said, sounding like his own mother when she was disappointed in one of them because where the hell did that come from? Carlos has never snapped at them before, not like this, never this seriously.

Carlos doesn’t say anything else. He just jumps up without Logan’s help, clearly still in pain as he winces and stays still for just a moment, looking dizzy but then he’s skating off the ice in total silence before anyone can grab him. Kendall should really do something. He should follow Carlos, make sure he’s okay, yell at him maybe, but he’s glued to the ice, just as stunned as the other two who still haven’t said anything.

After a while—gun to his head, Kendall could not recall how much time had passed, time felt as frozen as the ice he still felt stuck to—Logan finally speaks up, “You guys alright?” He asks, like he was the only one Carlos hadn’t insulted. Sure, it wasn’t as bad as what he said about James and Kendall, but Kendall wasn’t going to let Logan do that. He wouldn’t let him shrug it off, forget about it, just because it could have been worse. He wouldn’t let Logan be like him, stubborn. “Earth to Kendall, and James,” Logan continues when neither of them respond, waving his hands in front of their faces.

“Sorry, I’m just… I can’t believe Carlos said those things…” James said, his voice hoarse like he’d already been crying, and who knows, maybe he had been. James was a silent crier and neither of them have spared a single glance at him since Carlos left. They still can’t bear to look at him, just in case.

This was seriously messed up. They were seriously messed up. The four of them needed to talk, right away. No more of that putting it off bullshit Kendall was weirdly insistent on doing after his call with Griffin, despite knowing and stressing about how urgent that talk was. He wouldn’t make the same mistake again. 

“Let’s go. Family meeting.” Kendall said, skating off the ice, and that was new. He’s never called their meetings a family meeting before but now that he has, he’s not really sure why he hasn’t. That’s exactly what they were, and maybe that’s what they needed. The reminder that they were a family, damn it. Not just teammates, not just bandmates, not just childhood best friends. They were brothers; on and off the ice, on and off the stage. Forever stuck with each other, whether they liked it or not.

James and Logan aren’t far behind him when Kendall finds Carlos. He was curled up against a random locker with his head between his knees, letting out the quietest hiccups and sobs. Kendall had never seen him cry so much before, he thought he had seen it all already with the way Carlos wore his heartache on his sleeve, somehow just smiling through it all. There was a first time for everything he supposed, and he would very much like a refund on this one.

“Carlitos,” Logan says, gentle and approaching him slowly, but Kendall can see the anger he’s fighting off in the set of his jaw, in the way his teeth were digging into his bottom lip, the way his arms were crossed tight against his chest. Kendall imagines he looks the same. “You gotta try to calm down, man. Take some deep breaths,”

“M’sorr… sorry, m‘sorry,” Carlos says, sounding worse than before. He’s wheezing more, coughing, struggling to take a proper breath like he was having an asthma attack, but he hasn’t had one since the third grade. And there’s no way it was anaphylactic shock, Kendall was pretty sure it’d be fairly obvious if a bee had gotten inside the ridiculously small rink. Still, he remembers exactly where they all keep his EpiPens whenever they go out—one in each of their duffel bags if they have them, one in their pockets if they have any, one in the car—so he’s ready to grab one if needed. “G-Guys, I… I can’t,” Carlos squeaks out, looking up at them finally. He was dripping with sweat despite the frigid temperature of the rink, despite barely breaking a sweat during their games.

Logan was already dialing 9-1-1, two fingers pressed to the pulse point on Carlos’s neck. And then he was shouting information, instructions at Kendall and James.

Kendall’s vaguely aware that James was told to very gently sit Carlos up straight and not to move him any more than necessary, Logan frantically shouting about how this could just be a panic attack, but he couldn’t risk being wrong. And Kendall knows he’s supposed to keep asking Carlos questions, but Carlos wasn’t responsive, and so now Kendall was the one on the verge of a panic attack.

The next few minutes don’t feel real. Kendall was standing now, watching everything happen like he wasn’t physically there with them. It was like an out of body experience, but it wasn’t the way people usually described it. He wasn’t floating outside of his own body, watching himself. He just couldn’t feel his own presence in the room. It was more like he was back home watching everything on the TV. Like it actually wasn’t real, it was just some show that he was projecting his friends into, his imagination scarily realistic. Kendall hoped that was his reality. He’ll take nightmarish dissociative episodes over what he thinks is actually happening any day. 

Carlos, with an oxygen mask supplying air to his lungs, was quickly loaded into the back of an ambulance. Then James and Logan were coming into Kendall’s line of vision, touching his shoulder, his arms as they said something to him, but their voices were muffled, drowned out by one thought in his brain. 

This might be his fault.

Logan is starting to hate the idea of pursuing his dream career someday. The heavy silence and sterile white walls of a hospital were enough to drive even the most calm and collected people absolutely mad, making them question their entire existence. 

He really didn’t like being on this side of things, no one did, but how was putting himself in the position of the person he was currently waiting for any better? How could he be the person that was going to tell them the condition, the fate, of their best friend? How could he be that person, delivering news to people that were terrified of never seeing their loved ones again? He felt sick to his stomach. He couldn’t be the one doing this to people. 

He no longer has a backup plan if they’re unable to continue Big Time Rush.

It was a little ridiculous that one incident had him rethinking everything, he shouldn’t even care right now, but he did. He really wanted to punch something. He wanted Carlos to be here—needed him here—to tell him that things would work out one way or another because his ‘Good Luck Chum’ was by his side, and then he’d give him his trademark ‘Chum Hug' for extra luck, and Logan wouldn’t even be annoyed by it this time. But Carlos wasn’t here and that was the whole reason he was so pissed in the first place. Carlos was hurting, in more ways than one and they had been too late to help him. His stunts, while reckless and stupid, had never been bad enough to hospitalize him before now. Carlos was not okay.

And to make matters between them all even worse, Logan just knew that Kendall was blaming himself, thinking that he had exacerbated Carlos’s injuries by checking him during their game. And sure—unless it was some crazy coincidental timing—that did seem to be the case, but Kendall still had no reason to beat himself up about it. He couldn't have known. Logan didn’t tell anyone about Carlos’s previous injuries like he should have, and he allowed him to play a high contact sport with said injuries, encouraging it even. So, if anyone was to blame for this it was Logan. He’s been so stupid lately, so much for being the smart one.

Logan just couldn’t be here anymore. If Kendall and James needed him he would try forcing himself to stay or would maybe only be gone for a few minutes at most, but he really needs to try escaping for a bit. He’s picked up some nasty habits lately, habits no once aspiring doctor and current singer should be indulging in, but he fears it may be the only thing that’ll keep him sane at the moment. 

Carlos was right. His sudden impulsivity was a big deal, and none of them were fine.

“I need some air,” Logan said to Kendall and James who were sitting next to each other on the cushioned bench across from him, but it fell on deaf ears. James was just staring into space with tears in his eyes, Kendall’s face buried in James’s shoulder where Logan imagined tears of his own were staining the fabric of his shirt. “I’ll be back soon.” Logan continues speaking to them anyway as he makes his way towards the exit, hoping he wasn’t lying.

Once he reaches their car, Logan starts it and peels out of the parking lot faster than he should; all four windows down and radio up so loud the bass makes the entire vehicle vibrate.

He pulls onto the freeway, just over the speed limit with no cars in front of him for miles so he’s tempted to go even further over. He knows it’s stupid, he could get himself killed, but the danger is alluring; a cruel mistress seducing him into doing something he wouldn’t normally do. Nothing about his life had been normal these past few days though so he decided he just didn’t care anymore.

He presses down harder on the gas pedal; he goes five miles over, then ten, then fifteen, then twenty. He’s nearing thirty when he hears the unmistakable sound of police sirens behind him, flashes of red and blue reflecting in his rearview mirror.

Logan really hates the fact that Carlos was right. His sudden impulsivity was really becoming a problem.

“Fuck, fuck, fuck.” 

Logan immediately flips his turn signal on, gradually slowing down as he pulls into the shoulder of the freeway. He shuts the car off completely once he’s stopped, and places both of his hands at ten and two on the steering wheel. The cop pulls up behind him seconds later, quickly exiting their vehicle and approaching his on the passenger side. 

Logan takes a deep breath, trying to keep his cool as he talks to the officer. 

Despite his nerves, the stop goes as smoothly as it can with the officer issuing him a ticket of two hundred and thirty dollars. He’s not too worried about it, he can easily pay it off. He's just not sure how he’s going to explain this to the guys. 

He doesn’t want to think about that right now. He doesn’t want to think about anything anymore.

Once it’s safe to do so, Logan starts the car back up and gets back onto the freeway, making sure he’s following the speed limit this time. He drives for a while, deciding to take the next exit and pull into the first parking lot he sees, which happens to be one for a shitty little motel that he imagines has a two star rating at the most. He parks in the first available spot, wondering if it would be stupid to get a room for the day.

It would be a little stupid, but he was already being stupid, he might as well keep the streak going. 

He grabs his vape pen, cigarettes, and lighter from the glove compartment and gets out of the car, quickly locking it behind him, walking into the small reception area to request a smoking room. Luckily, there’s one available. He just might have screamed if there wasn’t. 

Once he’s in his room he sits at the desk and props his feet up on it, leaning back in the wooden chair. He pulls a cigarette out of the pack in his pocket and places it between his lips just as he finds his lighter, quickly lighting the end of it, watching as the embers glow a bright red. 

The first inhale of nicotine already has him feeling better, a little more alive. He can feel the fire in his lungs as he pulls the smoke into his mouth, can feel the burn at the top of his throat as he lets it go, already taking another drag as it slowly dissipates in front of him, and he finds that he kind of hates himself for it. Carlos was currently in the hospital for breathing issues, his lungs not getting the air they needed for whatever reason, and here Logan was willingly depriving himself of it.

Maybe he didn't deserve it though. He was partially to blame for Carlos having those issues. Maybe he was just evening the score a bit by hurting his own lungs. It wasn’t enough to hospitalize him, not right away anyway, but it was pretty painful.  

Logan knew his thoughts were starting to go down a pretty dark path, he really needed to try distracting himself before they got any worse. So, he takes a few more drags of his cigarette before putting his airpods in, putting the studying playlist on his phone on shuffle.

By the fifth song, he’s finished three cigarettes and doesn’t reach for another, deciding his lungs needed a break.

He’s another five or so songs in when the music cuts off abruptly, the ringtone for a  facetime call replacing it while James’s name and contact photo occupied the screen.

Logan knows he should answer. James must have an important reason for calling, something must have happened, but he can’t bring himself to do it. He was too afraid. He wouldn’t be able to handle it if James was calling with bad news.

The call ends after a few more rings, and James doesn’t call back. Logan’s relieved to say the least. If something did happen James wouldn’t give up on trying to reach him so easily. Everything was fine, he and Kendall were probably just wondering where he was. 

A text from James comes in a second later, confirming his theory.

JD: Where u at? Worried.

Logan texts back quickly, ignoring James’s question to instead ask his own, ‘Any word on Carlos?’.

The typing bubble appears, disappears, and reappears multiple times and it has Logan itching for another hit of nicotine. He pulls out his vape this time, taking a slow, long drag, savoring the flavor as he holds the vapor in his mouth for a bit. He releases it when the typing bubble vanishes for good, a text finally coming through.

JD: Nope. But u better get back here before we do get told anything. We’re gonna need u to translate all the medical jargon. 

Logan is mildly surprised that James even knew the word jargon, but he decides not to comment on it in his response, now wasn’t really the best time for their usual banter, ‘Sorry I just needed to be alone for a bit but I’m omw back now’.

JD: Where’d u even go? Thought u were just gonna sit outside

Logan is quick to respond this time, lying easily like it was his first language, ‘Just drove around for a bit, listened to some music to shut my brain up’.

JD: Did it work?

Logan tells the truth this time, ‘No’, and then he doesn’t wait for another response. He gathers all of his things and leaves the room, not bothering to check out, just heading straight for the car.

They’re finally talking to a doctor when Logan returns to the hospital, James not understanding anything they’re saying and Kendall only understanding some things. James looks to Logan, knowing he would fully get what was going on, but he regrets it right away. Logan looked terrified, that clearly wasn’t good.

The doctor leaves after telling them that they can’t see Carlos yet because he’s in the ICU, and they weren’t family, and that’s just the hospital’s policy sorry, all while giving them a tight lipped smile that James assumed was supposed to come across as sympathetic. James kind of wants to throw up.

“Logan, you gotta tell us what all of that meant.” James begs, falling into the chair besides the one Logan sat in when he felt too light headed to stand. 

“Okay, so, hemothorax, um… His ribs broke and punctured his left lung, causing blood to fill his pleural cavity... Um, part of his lung, sorry … They were able to drain the blood, he’s stable, but they’re worried about his lung collapsing now so they’re just keeping him a bit longer for observation. He should be okay though,”

Logan is expecting James to start panicking or Kendall to start ranting or maybe both but instead he’s just met with a silence so heavy it fills the room. Logan looks over at James hesitantly, scared of what he might find but James is no longer looking at him, instead glancing all around the waiting room like he’s looking for something.

“Where the fuck did Kendall go?” James asked and then Logan started to look around as well, hoping James was just missing him and that he hadn’t actually gone too far. He couldn’t have.

But he’s nowhere to be seen.

“Uh, I’ll check the bathrooms, you check outside,” Logan ordered, already standing and pulling out his phone to call Kendall. He doesn’t answer so Logan stops James to tell him one last thing before they part. “Stay on the phone with me so we know right away if one of us finds him.”

Logan doesn’t wait for a response, he just dials James’s number and heads towards the one bathroom he already knows the location of.

“He’s not outside, fuck,” James said through the phone, his breathing ragged and Logan isn’t sure if it’s just from rushing around or if he’s really starting to panic now but he refrains from mentioning it, not really sure anything he could say would be remotely helpful. 

“Okay, um… I’m gonna… Shit, I don’t,” James sputtered, his breaths loud and harsh in Logan’s ear. Definitely panicking then. “Do you still have the keys?”

“Yeah, I do,” Logan responds, giving the bathroom door two gentle knocks when he reaches it.

“Okay, I’m just gonna check the car anyway. Maybe he’s sitting on it or by it or something. I don’t know.”

Nobody answers Logan's knock so he uses the elbow of his free arm to press down on the handle, pushing the door open with his hip. 

The first thing he sees is Kendall kneeling over the toilet, hands resting on his knees with his bangs hanging over his eyes, his cheeks flushed.

“I got him. Come meet us in the bathroom just outside the waiting room,” Logan says to James, hanging up before he can respond. “Hey, Kendall,” Logan continues, approaching him slowly like he might run if he makes any sudden movements. “You okay, buddy?”

The question is stupid, he clearly isn’t okay at all but Logan doesn’t know what else to say, too afraid of saying the wrong thing.

“Fine, just give me a second,” Kendall responds, hiccupping and gagging but nothing comes up. 

Seconds later, James shuffles in through the half open door, shutting it behind him, quickly scanning the scene in front of him.

“Did you throw up?” James asks once he takes it all in and Logan smacks him on the arm just as he’s barely finished getting the question out, going over to kneel beside Kendall before he can retaliate. “Ow, what was that for?”

“For asking a stupid question,” Logan mutters, staying focused on Kendall who was smirking but still not looking any better. 

“You kinda asked a stupid question too, Loges,” 

“I’m gonna leave again,” Logan threatens, ready to stand but before he could even joke about it Kendall was grabbing the sleeve of his shirt—the hockey jersey they were all still wearing—and now Logan was the one feeling sick. 

“No, don’t go,” Kendall pleads, not quite sounding like himself. Kendall wasn’t usually so needy. Kendall was usually the one that other people needed. It makes Logan’s heart ache.

“Hey, I’m not going anywhere,” Logan reassures him quickly, grabbing the hand that was still clutching his jersey, linking their fingers together. Kendall gives his hand a squeeze before releasing it and slinking away from Logan, his back landing against the wall behind them with a gentle thud. Logan follows him, their shoulders touching thanks to the close proximity they were forced to be in but neither complains. 

James joins them then, surprising Logan a bit when he kneels on the floor in front of them. They shouldn’t even be doing this, just the mere idea of sitting on the floor of a hospital bathroom was repulsive and yet here they were. Logan really should be getting them out before they can get sick, but Kendall looks like he might collapse if he even tries to stand and there’s no way either of them were leaving him. Logan is willing to give him a few more minutes to recover, but then they’re all washing their hands until their skin is red and raw, and then they’re getting the hell out of there.

“It’s my fault,”

Logan and James look over at Kendall, not at all surprised by his words but definitely concerned still, and they find him with his eyes closed so tight it almost looked painful. 

“Come on, man, don’t do that. Don’t blame yourself.”

“I checked him when he was already injured, James. I made things worse,”

“You didn’t know, Kendall,” Logan says, his voice firm and his hand strong and heavy on Kendall’s shoulder. “Checking is allowed in hockey. You didn’t do anything out of the ordinary. I was the one that let him play, knowing he was hurt,”

“Cut it out, you two, I’m serious,” James interjected, glaring at the both of them. “We’re not doing this. We’re not playing the blame game. It’s not going to help anything. It's not going to make Carlos get better any faster.”

A tense silence falls over them, neither boy against the wall knowing what to say to James. James just watches them; he watches as they each blink away the tears in their eyes, rubbing at them with the palms of their hands, and James knows he’s not that much older than them—he was the oldest of the four but he only had a few months on Logan and Kendall whereas the three of them had a whole year on Carlos—but he can’t help seeing them as the kids they once were when they’re like this. When they’re feeling so helpless and scared of the future, their future together. James was so incredibly desperate to make everything okay again, to get their lives back on track, but he couldn’t. It would take a miracle and as great as he pretended to be, he was no miracle worker.

They continue to sit in silence for a little while longer until Kendall just can’t take it anymore. The bathroom was big enough to fit the three of them pretty comfortably—hell, the four of them even if Carlos was there—but it starts feeling cramped after a while, like the walls were closing in on them. Kendall really needed to get out of there.

Kendall informs Logan and James of this, the both of them agreeing and all of them helping each other to their feet swiftly, eager to escape the tiled prison. Kendall flushes the toilet with his foot once he’s up, frowning when he’s reminded of why he had gotten so sick and then of course Logan is making sure their hands are washed thoroughly before they go, the water scalding hot and each of them using so much soap that the suds nearly flood the sink. Normally, Kendall and James would be complaining about Logan’s mothering. This time, they feel grateful for it. Though they were also the slightest bit sad that Carlos wasn’t there to help them start a war against him, armed with nothing but a running stream of water and foamy bubbles that he himself had supplied them with.

“Hey... Family meeting?” Kendall says as soon as they’re back in the waiting room, testing the new name for their more serious talks. It felt a little wrong with their fourth member currently missing, but he still decides he likes the way it sounds. 

“Yeah, family meeting,” Logan agrees, patting Kendall on the shoulder and turning him towards the exit. “Just not here… I think I might actually lose it if I have to stay here any longer. I don’t think I like hospitals very much anymore.”

Kendall raises a brow at him and Logan can see the confusion in his eyes, can practically hear the question he wants to ask but Logan just waves a hand at him, dismissing his concern. He then starts to lead Kendall out of the hospital, pulling James along with them when he refuses to follow.

“But, Carlos,” James protests, looking behind them. “What if something happens, we need to be here,”

“Jay, listen to me,” Logan says, soft and patient but tugging him closer, keeping him trapped against his side. He could easily escape if he tried but he decides to stay, wanting to hear Logan out. “We’re his emergency contacts. They’ll call us if something happens, and we’ll come back right away. We’re no use to him just sitting here. We all need to take a minute to eat something, and shower, and just… Just breathe. Okay? We can’t start neglecting ourselves, we’ll just end up joining him in the ICU if we do.”

James knew that Logan was right. 

James hates that Logan was always right.

“Wait, shit, that just reminded me,” Logan said, suddenly pausing to pull out his phone. He doesn’t say anything else as he taps some buttons on his screen which just confuses both Kendall and James, the two of them exchanging a look.

“Dude, what?” Kendall asks, looking at Logan's phone over his shoulder.

“We haven’t called his parents yet,” Logan continued, putting the phone up to his ear. “Man, they’re going to be so upset, and we’re probably gonna have to fly them out here so that’s a whole other thing we have to deal with, and oh god, we,”

“Logan!” Kendall shouted, grabbing Logan by the shoulders and shaking him slightly. “Keep it together, man.”

“Right, right, I’m cool… I’m,” Logan says, cutting himself off with a squeak when his call is answered. “Mrs. Garcia! Hi, yeah, it’s Logan… Um, look, I’m sorry to bother you, but Carlos… He…”

Kendall and James each give Logan a look and a ‘hurry the hell up’ gesture with their hands, urging him to continue speaking before poor Sylvia has a heart attack.

“He’s in the hospital. He’s okay though, he’s stable,” Logan says quickly, trying to keep her calm. “But he’s in the ICU, and they’re only allowing family to visit him right now. I figured you guys would wanna come see him… No, don’t worry about that, we’ll book your flight for you... Yes, Mrs. Garcia, uh… Sorry, yes, mami, we’ll pay for everything, don’t worry about it,”

Kendall and James looked at Logan with an amused curiosity at his correction, but he just mouthed ‘Fuck off’ and flipped them both off, easily continuing his conversation without missing a beat, “Yes, mami, Kendall and James are here… Yeah, I can put you on speaker,” He says to Sylvia, smirking at the two boys and gesturing for them to follow him out of the hospital, putting the call on speaker as they did so. 

“Boys?” Sylvia says, soft but sounding panicked.

“Hi, Mrs. Garcia,” Kendall and James greet at the same time, a fond lilt to their tone.

“¡Ay, not you two as well! ¡No me fastidies! Come on, now, why so formal? You can still call me mami!” Sylvia shouts, sounding disappointed but laughing all the while. “Somos familia, sabes. That didn’t change just because you boys left home, and grew up on us,”

“Sorry, mami,” Kendall and James responded together again, both sounding and looking embarrassed. She would absolutely be pinching both of them on the cheek right now if she was with them. Logan as well. No one was safe.

“Todo bien, todo bien. Now, cuéntame, how are you holding up? Do I need to call the other parents? Should we all come down? We could, eh, how do you say… Podríamos compartir el carro... These silly English words, I swear,” Sylvia paused, murmuring to herself as she tried to remember the word she was thinking of. Logan really wished his Spanish was better, at this point it honestly should be. He and the boys were going to have to fix that. Eventually, Sylvia does find the word, continuing in a quick, excited voice. “Ah, carpool! We could all carpool to the airport, oh, it’d be great,”

No, actually, that sounded like a terrible idea. Logan loved his parents, he wouldn’t really mind having them come visit, but he knew James’s relationship with his own was rocky at best and just straight up toxic at worst. Logan didn’t want to put James through all of that, not when they were already dealing with so much.

“No, no, it’s okay,” Logan said quickly, cutting Sylvia off. “We don’t need to bother our families. Mama Knight’s only a few blocks away if we need her, but I’m sure we’ll be fine. We’re taking care of each other,”

“¡Ay, Logan! You better call your mother, you know she would want you to. You too, Jamie.”

“Yes, mami,” Logan and James say together, sighing. It was Kendall’s turn to smirk at them now so they both rolled their eyes, James the one to flip him off.

“Okay, well, I should let Antonio know and start getting us packed. Logan, mijo? You boys will take care of everything?”

“Si, mami, we got it covered.” Logan replied, just barely concealing the annoyance in his tone. He wasn’t annoyed with Sylvia but himself; annoyed that his Spanish was still so basic after all these years. 

“Thank you, Logiebear. Thank you, Kenny bear and Jamiebear. My Carlitos is so lucky to have you three. We all are. Te aprecio mucho,”

“De nada, mami,” Logan responded for all of them, and despite his frustration there was a bright smile on his face like she could see him. “We’re lucky to have you all too.”

“Alright, well, we’ll see you soon. Te quiero mucho, niños.”

“Los queremos también, mami.” The boys said together just before Logan ended the call.

“Well, that went better than I thought it would,” Kendall said.

“That’s because we talked to Sylvia. Antonio would have freaked out. He’s going to freak out. He’s probably gonna interrogate us as soon as he gets off the plane,”

“Oh, Logie,” Kendall cooed mockingly, pinching Logan’s cheek just like Sylvia would be doing soon. “Always so pessimistic,”

“Realistic,” Logan corrected, shoving Kendall away. “He used to interrogate us and the other neighborhood kids over popsicles. No way he’s gonna be calm about Carlos being in the hospital.”

“Okay, if we’re gonna go, can we please just go?” James asked, arms crossed, foot tapping impatiently. “I’ve had helmet hair this whole time, and I refuse to let anyone else see me this way.” 

“Oh, poor James,”

“One of you drive,” Logan immediately cuts Kendall off before he can start anything with James, tossing the keys to him. “I have a flight to book.”

Everything felt somewhat normal when they returned to the apartment. 

Logan immediately called dibs on the first shower, promising to cook Kendall and James something while they took their own showers after but they knew he was just making sure he wouldn’t get stuck with a colder shower if they used too much of the hot water. Kendall and James just challenged each other to a game of ‘rock, paper, scissors’ to see who would get the next one. James beats Kendall’s rock with his paper. 

The only thing they were missing was a helmet clad Carlos completely disregarding their made up rules, and just launching himself into the bathroom before any of them could get to it first. They all collectively agree to not think too much about what was missing.

“I’m making tacos.” Logan announced as he exited the bathroom, his folded jersey clutched in his hands instead of being with the rest of his dirty clothes in the bathroom hamper. James and Kendall decide not to comment on it. 

James just shrugged as he gently shouldered past Logan to get into the bathroom for his turn, having absolutely no complaints about that.

“It feels wrong to eat Mexican food without Carlos,” Kendall said glumly from the dining table, holding his head up with one hand and glaring at the wall opposite him like it had personally offended him.

Logan stays quiet for a moment with an incredulous expression directed at Kendall, wondering if he had even heard him correctly. When he decides he definitely did, he shakes his head, placing his jersey on the island behind him and then begins gathering the ingredients he needed for their late dinner.

“And why is that?” Logan asks over his shoulder, sounding amused but staying focused on the task at hand.

“He loves Mexican food almost as much as he loves corn dogs, especially tacos. I just don’t feel good about eating his favorite foods while he’s suffering in some stupid hospital bed,”

“Okay, good, because for like a split second I thought you were an idiot that just assumed he was Mexican all this time,”

Kendall scoffed a bit louder than necessary, almost matching the pitch of the scrape of his chair as he stood and joined Logan at the counter. “Seriously, dude? Come on, I’m not that dumb. He’s Dominican, Spanish, and, uh… Something else,” He said, snapping his fingers as he took a second to think, trying to force his memory to work. 

“Venezuelan, dummy,” Logan told him right away, impatient as ever. 

“I knew that!”

“Alright, alright,” Logan said softly, laughing to placate him. “But listen, man, eating some homemade tacos without him isn’t even that big of a deal. Our dumb Americanized tacos are so far removed from actual Mexican tacos, and that’s really all I know how to make. I’m sure he won’t mind missing out on these,”

“He would eat literally anything, Logan, garbage unfortunately included. You know this,”

“This is true,”

“Yeah, dummy,”

“You really wanna insult the person that’s making your food?” Logan asked as he looked at Kendall, a challenging glint in his eyes.

“You said it first, it’s only fair,”

“Your choice, man,”

“I’ll live, as long as you don’t poison it,”

“Well, there go my plans.”

“Shut up.”

Logan throws his hands up in surrender, choosing to ignore Kendall’s presence from now on so he could focus. Messing with him would be way more fun with Carlos anyway. He’ll just have to remember to bring up this little anecdote when he gets better. His brain almost corrects ‘when’ to ‘if’, but he quickly distracts himself from that thought, humming a vaguely familiar tune that James had gotten stuck in his head at some point. 

And then, almost on cue, James was coming out of the bathroom, ruffling Logan and Kendall’s hair as he passed them by. Logan just chuckled, tucking his now tousled hair back behind his ears as he listened to the bickering that James’s innocuous action seemed to have caused.

Kendall was slipping past him when he was finished bitching at James so he ruffled his hair as well, just wanting to piss him off a little more. It seemed to work as Kendall was swatting his hand away, calling both him and James ‘assholes’ and then slamming the bathroom door shut, the shower turning on mere milliseconds after. They might regret being so mean to him later on, but a pissed Kendall was better than a sad Kendall. Logan and James could handle his anger, could easily calm him down and make him feel better. They just didn’t have any idea what to do when he was sad, didn't have any idea how to provide comfort when the strongest of them was breaking down. They would, maybe, if he just let them in more. A problem for another time, Logan decides.

“You’re totally trying to make some traditional Mexican tacos instead of our crappy version, aren’t you?” James asks Logan, apparently having heard his stupid banter with Kendall. 

“Carne asada, baby,” Logan responds, giving James a cheeky grin. “I really don’t know how he didn’t notice, I mean he was right next to me. Maybe he is dumber than we thought.”

James laughs and comes up beside him, asking if he can help. Logan picks up the spatula off the counter, silently threatening to smack him with it. “You can help by staying the hell out of my kitchen, bitch,”

“Your kitchen?”

“I’m the best cook here, so… Yeah. My kitchen.”

“I know it’s been a hard fact for you to accept, Logie, but Carlos is actually the best of us now,”

“Yeah, well, Carlos isn’t here right now, is he?”

The question was meant to be playful, lighthearted, like Carlos wasn’t around for some silly reason, not a serious one. But it clearly hits a nerve. James stops laughing, his smile slowly fades and his hands grip the edge of the counter so tightly his knuckles are as white as the stupid onion Logan had been chopping. It had actually been making the both of them tear up this whole time but now Logan was sort of doubting it was the only thing causing the tears. Logan pauses and turns to James, trying to think of something he can say to lighten the mood again but James already has a small smile back on his face, telling him that it was okay and that he’s just going to get them some drinks from the fridge. Logan watches him as he looks through the fridge, holding his breath and then only releasing it when he brings said drinks to the table.

“Okay,” Logan mutters to himself, focusing on cooking again. “Maybe just stop talking forever, Mitchell. Make everyone’s lives a whole lot easier.”

“You’re talking to yourself again, Logie,” Kendall said, suddenly appearing next to Logan, nearly making him chop his own damn finger off. Logan has no idea how he hadn’t heard the shower turn off or see the door to the bathroom open. He was right next to it, the closest he could possibly be to it without being directly against it.

“Kendall, for fucks sake, man, don’t do that,” Logan scolds him, shakily setting the knife down onto the counter and taking a deep breath to settle his nerves. 

“Sorry,” Kendall replies, sounding sincere but his smile says otherwise. Logan really needed to get new friends. “Here, let me take over, you’re way too stressed, dude.” Kendall continues, picking up the knife before Logan can protest.

“We’re all stressed,” Logan says, but he doesn’t argue any further than that. He just joins James at the table, continuing to mumble to himself, but even he’s not entirely sure what he's saying this time. James stares at him from his seat across from him, a single brow raised. “What?” Logan asks him, frowning.

“You wouldn’t even let me help you, and you’re letting Kendall take over completely?”

“Kendall’s a dick.” Logan replies, as if that was a good enough explanation. James just keeps staring at him so Logan flips him off before pulling out his phone, hoping the simple action is enough to get him off his case.

“You both are.”

Logan smirks at James’s retort but he doesn’t say anything, refusing to take the bait. James sighs, giving up and so Logan relaxes back into his chair fully, taking advantage of the rare peace between them.

And then a little while later, after several muttered curses, a few snarky comments here and there, and another close call with the knife, the food was finally done. 

They just barely start eating when Kendall reminds them of the family meeting he had called earlier, wasting no more time, getting right into it, “So, listen, everything’s pretty fucked up right now,”

Logan snorts, nearly choking on his food—that seemed to be happening a lot lately—but he recovers quickly, glancing at Kendall as he replies, “You think?”

“We might have to postpone the tour,” Kendall continues, ignoring Logan, his gaze fastened on his plate. “We don’t know how long it’s gonna take for Carlos to get better… We might not have time to plan the show, or get any practice in,”

“We could just cancel it altogether,” James muttered, immediately shrinking away from the glares it earns him. “What?” 

“Don’t ‘what?’ me, James. You’ve been so worried about losing our careers, your precious fame, so why even suggest canceling the tour now? What’s with the defeatist attitude all of the sudden?”

“You know what, Kendall,”

“Here we go,” Logan grumbles to himself, deciding to just let Kendall and James go at each other for a bit. Maybe, hopefully, god willing, they’ll just get some of their pent up anger out and then realize how stupid they’re being with no real harm done. Or they’ll kill each other and then Logan and Carlos can move to the countryside, raising alpacas for the rest of their lives together. He really hoped that wouldn’t happen but there was always a chance it could. Logan was never much of an optimist. 

“Oh, please do tell me what, James,”

“You always seem to have some kind of issue with me lately, and I’m getting real sick of it.”

Kendall laughed at that, bitter and lacking humor. “Well, maybe you should stop giving me a reason to have an issue with you then!”

“You’re one to talk!” 

“What are you talking about? What have I done to you lately?”

“Oh, gee, I don’t know, Kendall, let’s see…” James growled as he tapped his chin, pretending to think. “Uh, not informing us about our band being dropped by our label’s company right away for one thing. I mean, leaving us in the dark like that? You know how fucking stressed I was? Just knowing that something was wrong but not knowing what it was,” James was rambling now, all of his bottled up rage finally being released. “Oh, and wait, you didn’t even tell us at all actually! We had to find out through some stupid gossip show! Oh, and of course, last but not least… We can’t forget the fact that you just don’t fucking trust us! There. Those are my issues with you, Kendall.”

“Okay, look…” Kendall started, pausing to take a deep breath. “Putting off the talk was really stupid of me, I can admit that. But we were drunk and tired and I was… I was freaking the hell out! I could barely even accept that it was happening, how was I supposed to tell you? Tell me that, James, because I don’t know anything anymore… And, hold on… What do you mean I don't trust you guys? You’re my best friends, of course I do. What the hell makes you think I don’t?”

James doesn’t answer. 

Wordlessly, he gets up from the table, bringing his plate to the sink. Kendall turns to Logan, giving him a bewildered look as if to say, ‘What’s his deal?’, but Logan just shrugs, his mouth agape in uncertainty.

“Uh, James? You gonna say anything?” Kendall asks, turning around in his chair to face the kitchen.

“Nope. I’ve decided that I’m not talking to you anymore. Not about anything important at least. Why don’t you try to figure out what I’m thinking on your own? Maybe lose some sleep over it? Ooh, actually, maybe I can talk about it in an interview, and then you can just watch it to find out! Sounds fun, right?”

“Really, James? God, you are so fucking petty,”

“I’d rather be petty than someone that doesn’t talk to their best friends.”

“I do talk to you guys!”

“Yeah, okay, whatever you say, man,”

Even Logan had to agree that that was a load of bull, but he still doesn’t add anything to their argument. He doesn't try to intervene in any way. He knew he couldn’t do much to stop them so he wasn’t even going to bother trying this time. They were both incredibly stubborn, and their stubbornness of course only worsened when it was the two of them against each other. So, screw it.

“This is stupid, James,” Kendall said, voice quiet and cracking. “I don’t wanna fight with you,”

“Well, gee, Kendall, you should’ve just said so! Everything can be all sunshine and rainbows now just because you don’t wanna fight. You’re just so good at solving all our problems, aren’t you?”

Somehow, Kendall had been keeping his cool all this time. 

After that comment, however, he was no longer keeping his cool. 

Kendall was the living embodiment of a ticking time bomb; always on edge, ready to explode at any moment if he wasn’t defused in time. Logan could see that he was close to blowing up now, close to doing or saying something he’d regret. Logan had to intervene now. He might actually be a terrible person if he doesn’t. 

“Kendall,” He says, placing a hand over the one Kendall had curled into a fist. “You can work this out later, after you’ve both calmed down. I’m separating you guys before you really hurt each other. So, just… Just go to your room for now, alright?”

“Whatever,” was all Kendall said in response before he disappeared into his bedroom, slamming his door so hard that multiple objects could be heard falling to the floor. 

“Huh… That actually went better than I expected it to,” Logan said half to himself, half to James. He looked into the kitchen where James was still standing, hoping he’d get some sort of response from him, verbal or not, but he was quiet, facing the counter with both hands gripping the edge of it again. 

Sighing, Logan gathers up the remainder of the dishes and brings them to the sink, James just barely moving over to allow him access. “I’m not picking sides,”

“I didn’t ask you to,”

“But,” Logan continues, cutting James off because he knows James and maybe he didn’t say it out loud but he definitely wanted Logan on his side. “I understand why you’re so upset with him. I feel like… I feel like I don’t know him anymore, man.”

“Still not picking sides?” James asked, snorting but it was clear he wasn’t the slightest bit amused. 

“I’m not, I swear,” Logan stated firmly, gripping the back of James’s arm, silently urging him to face him. James doesn’t look at him but he does look down at his arm where Logan's hand was. Good enough. “I also agree with Kendall. You can be a real petty jerk sometimes, James.”

“Yeah, well like I said to him, I’d rather be a petty jerk than a jerk with communication issues.”

“God, I can’t do this anymore, man,” Logan whispers, not even really meaning to say it but it was out there now. There was no taking it back.

“Do what?”

James had just barely finished voicing his question when Logan whipped around to face him so fast that he stumbled forward but he played it off by smacking James in the chest with both hands, his fingers instantly curling around the collar of his shirt. 

“This! Us! Everything!” He shouts, tightening his grip on James’s shirt. “None of us are okay right now. I don’t think I can go on like this. Something needs to change.”

“What are you saying, Logan? Why do you sound like you’re ready to give up?”

“Because I am. And so are you apparently. Don’t you dare tell me I’m wrong. I’m never wrong, I’m not gonna start being wrong now. Even if I want to be this time,”

“Logan,” 

“James,” Logan sighs, dropping his head to rest on James’s chest, letting go of his shirt at the same time. James doesn't move. He doesn’t wrap his arms around him, doesn’t touch him at all, not even just to push him away, and Logan tells himself it doesn’t hurt. 

“I’m going out. Don’t wait up for me.”

Logan barely has time to look up at James, he was already slipping away, his own bedroom door slamming shut only seconds later.

Logan turned to face the sink again, quite literally throwing in the towel as he picked up the dish rag off the counter and hurled it at the cabinets beside him in his frustration. He just watched as it landed with a wet thwap and slid down onto the counter, splattering water all over him and the floor.

“Good going, genius,” He berates himself, grabbing a dry towel off the handle of the fridge to soak up the water. But a polaroid photo that was being held up by a Minnesota Wild magnet on the side of the fridge stops him in his tracks, keeping him there long enough to forget about the water entirely. He doesn’t know when it was put there, doesn’t even remember when exactly it was taken. 

It was of the four of them. They were clearly younger—about fourteen and fifteen, if he had to guess—and they were standing in front of Kendall’s old treehouse with Carlos being held up on Kendall’s shoulders and Logan on James’s. The name of their band was scribbled messily onto the white border of the polaroid, obviously having been put there years after the photo was taken. He thinks it might be Carlos’s handwriting. If not, it was definitely Kendall’s. James had the neatest penmanship of the four, it couldn’t be him. It didn’t really matter which of them did it though, he’s just glad that any of them had the thought to do it. 

Logan’s heart aches as he takes in every detail of the picture, longing for those days again; the days when they weren’t Big Time Rush. The days when they were just a tight-knit group of unknown hockey players in a small town, doing their best to be there for each other whenever life got too hard for them to handle on their own.

Logan doesn’t like what they’ve become.

“Family meeting,” Logan mutters, mocking Kendall as he looks at the younger version of him. “Yeah, some family we are.”

James decides that he hates drinking alone. 

Technically he wasn’t alone; the bar was swarming with fellow drunkards, casual drinkers, designated drivers, and the like. He had easy company if he got up the nerve to charm some poor sap into joining him in drinking away their respective sorrows; boy, girl, or whoever, it didn’t really matter as long as he set firm boundaries with them right away. His ‘player’ days were far behind him, Lucy being the only person he had eyes for now.

That’s just not what he wanted though, he was well aware of that. 

He didn’t want to just invite some random bargoer to his pity party. He wanted his best friends to come over, settle into the stools on either side of him like that was always the plan, and then start adding onto his tab like they had any business doing so. 

That just wasn’t going to be happening though. One best friend was in the hospital, probably scared and definitely as alone as James felt, and the other two could honestly just fuck off for all he cared at the moment. 

He was here to get away from them, after all. He was here to forget one rush, only to look for another. 

“Well, isn’t this a cliché?”

James looks behind the bar upon hearing the new voice, not recognizing it. It wasn’t the same bartender that had been there when he arrived earlier in the evening. This one reminded him of Lucy, dark rimmed eyes and all.

“Excuse me?” James asked, narrowing his eyes as he looked the bartender up and down.

“Another washed up celebrity, come to drink away the pain of losing what they once had,”

“Washed up?” James scoffed, looking around for some other celebrity nearby because she couldn't possibly be talking about him, there was just no way.

“Sorry, probably a bit too early for that,”

“You know, you’re quite the cliché yourself,” James grits out, for once desperate to not have any attention on him.

“How so?” The bartender asks, casually leaning over the bar and smirking at James like they were familiar with each other, old friends from a life once lived. Yeah. Cliché.

“Just everything about you. Bartender with a snarky attitude takes pity on the sad stranger who probably had too much to drink. You’ve probably got some terrible jokes to tell and some cheesy wisdom to impart on me before you inevitably cut me off. Get a new script, missy. Your trope is tired.”

“Damn, and I thought Kendall was the sassy one.”

“We’re all sassy,” James mutters into his glass, quickly swallowing the rest of his whiskey. He was itching for another, but not from this bartender. He wasn’t going to play into that trope, he wasn’t going to be the loser that learns a life lesson from a bartender.

A new drink is placed in front of him before he can get up to leave, sealing his fate. He stares at it for a while, hoping he could make it disappear from his sight before he inevitably gives in and downs it in one long gulp. He slams the glass back down onto the bartop once it's empty but he doesn’t play into the trope any further than that, he doesn’t utter a single syllable of either of the cliché lines, ‘Hit me’ or ‘Keep ‘em coming’. He just glares at the bartender when she tries to smile sweetly at him, goading him into continuing their banter like it was a necessary exchange between servers and patrons.

“So, pretty boy, you wanna tell me your woes, or are we still rewriting the script?” The bartender asks when he stays silent. He never thought to look at her nametag, he didn’t need to know her name. He wasn’t going to become a regular here. They weren’t going to be buddies. His life at times did feel like a movie or a TV show, but it wasn’t, damn it. This was real life, his life, and although it was spiraling out of control, it was still his to direct. 

“What I wanna do is close my tab, and get the hell outta here, thanks,” James snapped, standing and pulling his coat on. It wasn’t even chilly out, he just brought it with him because, well, he’s not really sure why he brought it. Maybe because it was the same coat he wore the day of the audition and now unconsciously he found himself clinging to it, like it was a security blanket of sorts. He’s not really sure how he feels about that.

“Sure thing, Diamond.”

James settles his bill with the bartender before he starts to leave, tipping two hundred dollars even though he only had about four drinks total. This bartender was annoying but she and the other less annoying one deserved a good tip. All servers did in his opinion, even the actual assholes. 

“Wait,”

James whirls back around, automatically scowling at the bartender. She at least looked a little embarrassed, a little hesitant to continue bothering him. Which was more courteous than most people were in this town. He decides to be nice and nods at her to continue, giving her a chance to redeem herself.

“I didn’t get to impart my wisdom on you yet,”

Redemption arcs were overused and overrated too. 

“Dying to hear it,” James deadpans, ready to leave and never look back. 

“Just… Don’t give up, okay? I know I was giving you shit for it, but you’re not hopeless. A lot of people really believe in you guys.”

That was nicer than he had been expecting. He didn’t really believe it though so it still leaves him feeling bitter, wishing he had never left the apartment.

“Thanks,” is all he says as he leaves, more genuine than before but still not in the kindest tone. He’ll never come back here.

James stumbles through the streets, glowering up at neon lights when he comes across the same nightclub they were at just a few nights ago. The night where everything really started to fall apart.

He shouldn't but he’s immediately tempted to go in. He was ready to leave that stupid bar but he wasn’t quite ready to let go of his lifeline just yet.

Screw it.

He only starts to regret it an hour later, when he was feeling more dead than alive and had to find his way back home on his own. He would have called Logan or Kendall to get him, but he wasn’t ready to face them yet. And he was far too drunk to remember how rideshare apps worked. 

It all worked out anyway, he managed to get back to The Palm Woods in one piece, only tripping once when he made the climb upstairs to their unit. He was golden.

He jumps into bed as soon as he’s able to, still in the clothes he had worn out, ‘comfort’ coat and all. 

He doesn’t notice Logan shuffling into the room to make sure he’s okay, doesn’t notice anything really. He’s out cold the second his head touches the pillow.

The next morning James awoke with a start, both his head and heart pounding, memories of the previous night rushing in all at once.

“Fuck,”

James slowly sits up onto his elbows, looking around his room in confusion like something about it had changed overnight. He keeps his eyes off of the other side of the room though, still trying to ignore the fact that the other bed was empty. 

Finding nothing out of the ordinary, James forces himself out of bed but then pauses as he sits on the edge, a sudden wave of nausea hitting him. He shuts his eyes for a while, only reopening them when the nausea passes with no threats of puking his guts up. He turns his head then, something in his peripheral vision catching his attention. 

Two ibuprofen caplets and a bottle of water were set out on his nightstand with a note laid beneath them, simply saying, ‘You’re an idiot, bro… Love you anyway xoxo’, in Logan’s handwriting.

James did not deserve Logan.

He definitely did deserve that pain medication and water though. With no hesitation, he popped the pills into his mouth, immediately washing them down with a quick swig of the water.

He really should be leaving his room, maybe see if there was any news on Carlos or if the Garcias had arrived yet. But he’s still not ready to face Kendall and Logan just yet.

So, instead of leaving right away, James finds his phone buried beneath his comforter, first checking the time: 7:08am, and then typing out a quick text to Logan, ‘U awake?’.

Logan responds to him immediately, like he was sensing his incoming message and waiting for it with their texts already open. Logan scared James sometimes.

Loganator: Yep. Kendall is too. Come get something to eat. Just be mature and don’t say anything stupid.

Groaning, James locks his phone, refusing to dignify that bullshit with a response of any kind. James wasn’t exactly planning on being a total dickhead the very second he walked into the same room as Kendall, thank you very much, Logan.

His phone screen lights back up, another text from Logan coming through. 

Loganator: And don't think I’m singling you out. I said the same thing to him.

James ignores him.

He decides to shed his coat and pants, leaving the coat on his bed and then quickly throwing on some sweats before he makes his way into the main room of the apartment. Kendall was sitting at the table, back turned to him while Logan was leaning against the kitchen counters on the furthest wall, holding a mug of what James imagined was coffee.

“Morning,” James croaks out awkwardly, clearing his throat as he makes his way over to the coffee maker. 

“Already made your cup. Microwave,” Logan says, nodding his head towards the appliance next to him. “Shouldn’t be cold yet, but it wouldn’t hurt to heat it up a little.”

James really did not deserve Logan. 

He wants to tell him this, wants to tell him so many other things as well like how sorry he is for being a total ass, but instead he just replies with a simple, “Thanks,” before reheating his coffee and bringing it into the living room.

“Not gonna eat anything?” Logan asks, looking more annoyed than concerned. 

“Maybe in a bit,

“James,”

“Relax, Logan. I’m not gonna die if I skip one meal.”

“Hypocrite,” Kendall mutters, immediately gaining James’s attention. 

“I don’t know what that word means, but I’m pretty sure it’s an insult so kindly fuck off, Kendall.”

“Man, you really are just a pretty idiot,”

“Thank you,”

“You’re not welcome,”

“Okay, do I need to separate you two again?” Logan asks, eyeing them both. “Because I will,”

“No, mom, we’re fine,” Kendall replies, rolling his eyes and getting up to bring his cereal bowl to the sink. Logan swats him on the back of his head as soon as he’s within reach, continuing to scold him for ‘being a cranky bitch’. Kendall starts talking back in a hushed voice, pouting more than Carlos usually did, “I’m not cranky, lay off me,” is one of the things James thinks Kendall says, Logan retorting by telling him he was acting like a brat. James would laugh if he could be sure it wouldn’t cost him his life.

“Jamie, c’mere,” Logan says out of nowhere, startling him.

“Nope, I’m good over here.”

“James, get your ass over here.” Logan demands now, looking bored of all things. Maybe he was getting tired of them. James wouldn’t blame him. 

“I’m serious, dude, come here,” Logan continues when James still doesn’t listen so he finally does as he’s told, pressing closer to Logan to avoid Kendall’s wrath.

“What?” James asks, patience already wearing thin.

But Logan ignores him, addressing Kendall instead, “Kendall,” He says, reaching behind them to pull something off of the fridge. James can’t see what it is exactly but it’s some kind of polaroid. Logan holds it up then, mostly showing it to Kendall but James is able to lean over a bit, just to get a little glimpse. “You remember this?”

A small smile replaces the scowl on Kendall’s face as he examines the picture. “Last summer before high school… Mom wanted a picture of the four of us before we officially became freshman. She kept crying, saying her babies were growing up too fast… You, and… You, and James had to keep reminding her that you guys and Carlos weren't actually her children,”

James looks over at Kendall for the first time since last night at the mention of his name, locking eyes with him right away. There was a deep sadness in Kendall’s eyes that James had never quite seen before. He wanted nothing more than to take it away, especially knowing that he was partly to blame for it. 

“Ha, you still had your braces, dork,” James teases as he points at younger Kendall’s dorky looking smile, trying the lighthearted approach. He perks right up when Kendall laughs and takes the photo from Logan, looking intently at the four of them. He starts to laugh harder then, pointing to something James must have missed.

“You had your braces too, dickhead,”

James leans over Logan’s shoulder, trying to get a better look at the picture again. Of course, Kendall was right. James’s smile was nearly identical to Kendall’s, vibrantly colored metal covering his pearly whites. 

“Damn it, I thought I burned all the evidence of my dork phase,”

“Okay, drama queen, relax. We all had a dork phase,”

“Yeah, and Logan’s finally getting over his,” James joked, making Kendall laugh again but Logan just smacked him on the arm, not looking amused at all.

“Mean! You’re supposed to be making up with Kendall, not insulting me,”

James laughed, wrapping an arm around Logan’s shoulders and pulling him close, “Sorry, Logie. I couldn’t help it.” He says, ruffling Logan’s hair just before releasing him, trying to avoid his attempts at shoving him away.

“Whatever, I’ll take it if it means you two are done being big babies,”

“We were being stupid,” Kendall says, still staring at the picture held in his hand. “I don’t wanna lose this, us,” He continues, shaking said picture in their faces. “Over some stupid bullshit… I’m over it if you are,”

James doesn’t respond right away, too choked up to form the proper words so Logan just pulls the both of them into a group hug by their shirts, pushing the two of them closer to each other but still resting his head in the crook of Kendall’s neck. James reciprocates the hug, his hand falling to Logan’s side when he realizes the space between them that Carlos should have been occupying was empty. Noticing this, Kendall tightens his hold on the both of them, his face pressed up against James’s cheek, allowing him to feel the tears slowly escaping his eyes. James shudders at this, tightening his own grip on the both of them, pulling Logan in closer to fill the empty gap. 

“I’m sorry,” James gasps out, tears of his own threatening to fall now.

“No, I’m sorry, I’ve been,” Kendall says, cut off by a squeak as Logan pinches his side. “Logan, what the,”

“You’re both sorry. Now, kiss and make up. I have a surprise planned for all of us.”

“Surprise?” Kendall and James ask, pulling out of the hug at the same time, purposefully ignoring Logan’s stupid ‘kiss and make up’ comment.

“Don’t question it, just go get dressed and meet me in the lobby,” Logan said, taking the polaroid back and shoving Kendall and James out of the kitchen a little more roughly than necessary. “Go on.”

“Okay, okay, sheesh,”

Logan brings them to the very same tattoo shop he had gotten his own tattoo and piercings at, quickly explaining that he made an appointment for all of them to get matching tattoos.

“Look,” Logan said, holding out the polaroid he had brought with them. “This is Carlos’s handwriting, right?” He asked, pointing at the caption Carlos supposedly had written, looking at Kendall expectantly. 

“Yeah, he definitely wrote that,” Kendall responds, running his thumb across the first few letters.

“Then let’s do it. ‘Big Time Rush’, in Carlos’s handwriting. We’ll get ours now and then he can get his when he’s out of the hospital. That way we'll always have a reminder of what we’re doing this for, who we’re doing this for… These four little dorks from Minnesota.”

Kendall grins at Logan, taking one last look at the polaroid before he hands it off to their artist. “That’s a great idea, Logie.”

Logan beams at Kendall, looking back and forth between him and James.

“So, who’s going first?”

“Definitely not me,” James responded, looking nervous as he scanned the shop. “I wanna do this, don’t get me wrong, but you know I hate needles... I need to psych myself up first.”

“Yeah, sorry, man, I kinda forgot about that…” Logan said, scratching the back of his neck.

“It’s okay, Jamie, you can hold my hand if you need to,” Kendall teased, smirking but the boys could tell that his offer was entirely serious.

“You’re so kind, Ken Doll.” James replied, deadpan.

Kendall held out his hand, smiling sweetly at James, just to tease him further. James took the offered hand right away with a falsely sweet smile of his own, but then he started squeezing it with all of his strength. Kendall yelped, immediately trying to pull away, but James just held on. Kendall slowly dropped to the floor, bringing James down with him as James was still refusing to let go, completely exaggerating the pain he was in.

Logan sighed, turning to apologize to their artist for his idiot friends’ behavior and decided to go first, not wanting to waste any more of their time.

He already knew what he was getting himself into, having gotten a tattoo already, but he found that he was still a bit nervous. So, as he got situated in the chair he focused in on the familiar, comforting bickering of his friends, letting everything else—like the buzz of the tattoo machine—wash away. 

An hour or so later, the boys were sporting their new ink, each on their left arms but all on slightly different parts; Logan’s across the inside of his forearm, Kendall’s in the middle of his wrist, James’s on his bicep.

“Where do you think Carlos is gonna put his?” James wondered aloud, still checking out his tattoo—and perhaps his flexed muscles a bit as well—in the full length mirror. 

“Knowing him, he’s probably gonna try to get it on his forehead,” Kendall said, snorting at both his own comment and James’s vanity as he watched him. “We’re gonna have to convince him to just get it somewhere on his arm, like we did.”

“Yeah,” Logan agreed with a sigh, sharing an amused look with James in the mirror’s reflection.

Suddenly, an alarm on Logan’s phone goes off, interrupting the moment. 

“Shit, we gotta go get the Garcias from the airport.”

“Let’s go then!”

The very first thing Sylvia Garcia did upon seeing the boys was pull all three of them into one big hug, pinching and kissing each of their cheeks as they pulled away.

The very first thing Antonio Garcia did was start interrogating them about Carlos, only stopping to pull them into hugs when Sylvia smacked him on the arm, scolding him in Spanish that none of the boys recognized enough to fully understand.

Just as expected.

The second thing they each did was notice the fresh, plastic wrapped ink on their arms, both gasping as they got a better look at each of them.

Not as expected, but comforting all the same. 

“Oh, boys… Is that… Is this our Carlitos’s handwriting?” Sylvia asks, a gentle hand on Logan’s forearm. 

“Yeah,” Logan replied, grinning and placing his own hand over Sylvia’s, her fingers giving him a gentle squeeze in return. “Look, he wrote ‘Big Time Rush’ on this old polaroid of the four of us,” He continued, using his free hand to pull the picture out of his pocket, immediately handing it off to her.

Sylvia gasped as she took the picture, lightly tapping Antonio on the chest, showing it to him as well. 

“¡Ay, mira! I could have sworn this was only taken yesterday… Time just flies by. So fast, too fast,” Sylvia said, starting to get choked up. “Boys…”

She trails off then, adopting a much calmer, much more serious expression; the tears that clouded her eyes belying her level gaze.

“Tell me, what happened? Is Carlos… Is he gonna be okay?”

Each of the boys looked away from the Garcias, guilt and shame too evident on their faces. James didn’t want to play the blame game, had scolded both Kendall and Logan for doing exactly that, but a small part of him felt responsible for what had happened as well. If he just stayed home last night, well, maybe Carlos wouldn’t have left the apartment. Maybe he could have kept him company, prevented him from doing something so stupid.

“Let’s, uh… Let’s get out of here first,” Kendall said, gesturing to the car, a hand held out to escort the Garcias into it. “We’ll explain everything back at the apartment.”

Back at 2J, after the Garcias were settled into Mama Knight’s former bedroom where they would be staying, the boys gathered them at the dining table, offering them something to eat and drink as they prepared themselves for the inevitable talk.

“So,” Logan started awkwardly, clearing his throat and looking to Kendall for help. Kendall was far better at handling these sorts of things. Logan was the smart one, the one with the greater medical knowledge, but Kendall just had a lot more tact than he did. 

Kendall clears his throat as well, tearing his gaze away from Logan, giving the Garcias a smile that doesn’t reach his eyes. “Look, Mr. and Mrs. Garcia,”

“Kendall, please stop that,” Silvia begs, hand pressed against her chest in a dramatic fashion. “I feel so old,”

“Papi, mami,” Kendall corrected himself, his smile a little less sad. “Carlos… He likes doing some pretty crazy stunts, right? We all know this?”

The Garcias nod, a flash of fear in each of their eyes. Kendall swallows, his throat suddenly dry, the words now feeling stuck, unable to leave.

“Things have been a little rough for all of us lately,” Logan cut in, for once coming to Kendall’s rescue instead of the other way around. Screw it. “So, last night he, uh… He got a bit upset, and… Well, he thought a good way to distract himself would be to skate around, and… repeatedly throw himself… off his board... He broke his ribs and punctured one of his lungs,”

Sylvia gasps. Antonio looked alarmed as well, but his focus was on his wife, his arm coming around her shoulders, pulling her to his own shoulder where she began weeping. 

“That’s not the whole truth,” Kendall admitted, eyes shut tight to avoid the warning looks that Logan and James were surely sending his way. He continues, eyes still closed, not missing a beat. “His initial injuries actually weren’t so bad… I’m the one that put him in the hospital. I didn’t know he was already injured so I checked him into the boards during a hockey game. He probably would have been fine if I just,”

“If I had told Kendall and James about his injuries, and didn’t allow him to play with us,” Logan interjected, glaring at Kendall, practically daring him to continue. “I shouldn’t have let him play… I’m sorry,”

Logan gets cut off by an unexpected voice crack, his eyes now matching the Garcias; shiny and wet with forming tears.

“I’m sorry.” Logan repeats, a little more firmly this time, but now he was refusing to look anyone in the eyes, using the collar of his shirt to wipe his own. 

“Logan,” Antonio says, gaining his attention but not his gaze. “Kendall,” He continues, reaching across the table to take Kendall’s hand in his. “I know I came in hot, questioning you all, and maybe coming off a little accusatory… I’m not too great at the whole sensitivity thing still, heh,” Antonio pauses, smiling as the boys chuckle at his comment. “But… I know you boys. I know you wouldn’t purposefully put my boy in harm's way. None of you would ever do anything to hurt him. You take good care of each other. Eh, yeah, you make some mistakes, and you all roughhouse quite a bit, sure, but that’s normal, huh? Ustedes son hermanos, ¿no?”

“Yeah, brothers. Always.” James agreed. He glances at Kendall and Logan when they don’t add any remarks of their own before fixing his gaze on the table, tracing each wood grain with his eyes like they would spell out the right words for him to say in that moment and spur him on, bringing back the confidence he’d steadily been losing in the past few days. He really wished Kendall and Logan weren’t tearing themselves apart so much. He couldn’t do this, he couldn’t be the one to take the lead in this conversation. He does it anyway. That’s what James freakin’ Diamond does. “We’ve been looking out for each other. As much as we can.”

“Then no reason to feel so bad, huh?” Antonio asked, still looking at Logan and Kendall. “Mistakes happen. Accidents happen. Así es la vida.” 

Instead of responding to Antonio directly Logan cuts in with a simple, “Visiting hours started at nine,” his voice devoid of any emotion, his eyes locked onto the clock on the wall. “I should probably get you guys over to the hospital.”

No one reacts for a solid minute, too caught off guard to do much of anything. James clears his throat, but Logan’s fixated on the clock, glaring at it like it had chosen the time itself. 

Sylvia stands then, crossing to the other side of the table, a hand coming to rest on Logan’s shoulder. “Logan, honey,”

“I’m fine.” Logan assures Sylvia quickly, forcing a smile onto his face. The smile was probably the biggest lie he’s ever fed a parental figure in his life, so fake and performative that it was almost painful.

Sylvia didn't look convinced, giving her husband one of those very specific mom looks. But she doesn’t say anything about it other than a nearly silent ‘Alright.’, hand leaving Logan’s shoulder to clasp her own, now patiently waiting for them to leave.

“James? Kendall? You guys coming?” Logan continued, rising from his seat to retrieve the keys from their place on the kitchen island.

“I’m coming!” James said quickly, hopping out of his seat so fast one would think it was on fire.

Kendall doesn’t respond at all, doesn’t even acknowledge Logan’s existence let alone his question.

“Kendall?” Logan tries again, going back over to the table where he was still seated.

Nothing. He was totally checked out, no longer present despite being right in front of them.

Logan sighed, gently threading his fingers through Kendall’s hair, brushing his bangs back in hopes of rousing some sort of reaction from him. Something, literally anything, he would take the tiniest twitch if that’s all he had to offer. 

Still nothing.

“On second thought, I should probably hang back with Kendall,” Logan said, giving the Garcias an apologetic look before turning to James, nothing but hope directed his way. “James? You mind,”

“I got it.” James said right away, not needing Logan to ask. He takes the keys from his hand, giving it a quick, subtle squeeze then turns to open the door, hurriedly leading the rather eager Garcias into the hallway.

Logan sighs again, returning to his seat beside Kendall. There still weren’t any reactions from him whatsoever; he was just staring ahead with glassy, unfocused eyes. 

So, Logan waits. 

And waits.

And waits.

And waits.

Until, finally, after a near hour of a disturbing silence Kendall stirs, blinking fast, looking around like he had no idea how he had gotten there.

Logan shifts in his seat to make his presence known, his movements deliberate and slow so as not to startle him. 

“I blacked out again,” Kendall admitted, surprising Logan. Kendall was never one to acknowledge his own problems, never one to admit to the things he saw as a weakness. Logan’s not sure if he should be proud or concerned.

“Yeah, it seems like you’ve started having some episodes… Again,” Logan spoke slowly, testing Kendall’s temper with every syllable. Still, he surprises Logan, remaining calm and only appearing confused.

“What do you mean again?” 

Logan isn’t quite sure how to respond. How does one remind their best friend that the last time they were blacking out like this, dissociating and losing memories, was just after the most traumatic experience of their life? How does anyone ever bring such a thing up, like it was so casual, just a simple fact of life. 

“Never mind…” Logan tries, fingers wrapping around Kendall’s tattooed wrist, thumb pressing lightly into the crinkles of the plastic wrap it was covered with. “We, uh… We gotta clean our tattoos,” 

“Hold on, where did James go?” Kendall asked, looking around the room. “Okay, wait, wait… Weren’t the Garcias here, did they,”

“James took them to the hospital. They’re with Carlos, everything’s okay.”

Logan didn’t really know that for sure, but he figured it was a safe enough assumption. He’d check in with James soon. His top priority at the moment was Kendall's wellbeing. Well, that, and tattoo aftercare.

“Logan,”

Logan stands, ignoring Kendall as he approaches the sink to wash his hands. 

“Logan, dude,” Kendall tries again, following after him. 

Logan still doesn’t respond, but he does pause his hand washing, suddenly remembering something he had forgotten. He quickly wipes his hands against the first towel that’s within his reach, his hands still a little damp as he retrieves the polaroid from his pocket, finding it slightly crumpled now, bent at the top left corner. Which was, weirdly enough, the side of the picture that Carlos was on. It was sort of symbolic—almost mocking—in a way, reflecting their current troubles.

Kendall takes the polaroid from Logan, promptly returning it to its home on the fridge. The Minnesota Wild magnet had another job now; straightening out the photo’s bent edge, pressing it against the surface of the fridge like it never occurred.

Logan smiles, bringing his forearm up just under the scribbles that matched his tattoo, taking in their identical details. 

“Big Time Rush?” Kendall asks suddenly. He was a little unsure if asking it even meant anything anymore, but there was a comforting familiarity to it nevertheless.

“Big Time Rush.” Logan agrees, his cheeky grin back like it never went anywhere, like everything had been normal these past few days. 

“I’m still kinda looking for it, I think.”

Now, this admission truly perplexes Logan. It puzzled him enough to draw his attention away from the polaroid entirely, his grin fading again, a frown gradually replacing it.

“For what?”

“The rush. The ‘Big Time Rush’,”

“This whole journey’s been a ‘Big Time Rush’,” Logan reminds Kendall, though deep down, he knows that’s not really what Kendall meant. He was just a little surprised that he was feeling this way. “Kinda the whole point of the name, dude. It was literally your idea.” Logan continues anyway, hoping he could make Kendall open up some more. He might finally be letting them in, or at least one of them. They might actually be making some progress.

“No, yeah, I know that, but… I don’t know, man, I just feel like something’s missing. I mean I guess we’ll be in for an even bigger rush once we finally obtain the rights to the band… Maybe things will be better then.”

“Bigger and better? Sure. Less stressful? Doubtful. I, personally, would like a rush that won’t kill me before I’m even thirty.” Logan murmured, mostly to himself, though his eyes were still locked on Kendall almost in a weird, tense staring contest. Logan blinks and looks away, suddenly feeling a little too seen. Scrutinized. 

“Says the smoker,” Kendall scoffs, crossing his arms the way he always did when he was threatening to give a lecture.

Logan froze, unsure how to respond. How the hell did Kendall know that he started smoking? He’d been sneaky, careful, as discreet as he possibly could be. It was nearly impossible to get anything past Kendall apparently. He was truly the dad of the group, despite being the second youngest. 

Even still, Logan acts surprised, scowling at Kendall like he was accusing him of invading his privacy in order to learn this information. Which was totally something he could have done, in Logan’s defense. He loved Kendall dearly but Kendall wasn’t above snooping. “How do you know about that? I haven’t… I’ve…”

“Dude, you reek of smoke like, all the time now. It wasn’t that hard to put together.”

Taken aback and desperate to prove Kendall wrong, Logan lifts the collar of his shirt to take a quick whiff of it. There was a bit of a lingering scent to it, the odor stale and just barely noticeable. It shouldn’t have been enough to alert the others to his habits.

“I don’t… It’s not even that bad, how…”

“Yeah, now. You probably haven’t smoked since you showered. But trust me, every other time you’ve smoked has been extremely obvious,”

Well. Fuck. Logan really didn’t want the others to know about this new habit of his. It was his choice to make, they had no say in it, but they would worry about him anyway. He really didn’t want to have to deal with that, on top of everything else they all had on their plates.

“Hey, listen, man, it’s fine. You’re an adult, it’s your choice,” Kendall continued, his expression immediately contradicting his words. His disappointment and concern were obvious, evident in the way his brows were raised and lips taut. “I know we joke about it a lot, but I’m not your dad. I’m not gonna waste my time, lecturing you about something you’re already well aware of.”

Logan just gave him a small, appreciative smile in response even though he knew Kendall really wanted to lecture him. He was holding back, just barely restraining himself from launching into a whole spiel that would only have Logan rolling his eyes, not taking any of it into consideration.

Logan was so over this conversation.

“Tattoos,” Logan reminds Kendall as more of a diversion at this point, no longer caring all that much. He resumes the hand washing he hadn’t been satisfied with anyway, gesturing for Kendall to do the same. “We really don’t wanna be the idiots that skip out on aftercare.”

“Right, yeah,” Kendall agrees, complying with Logan’s unspoken request.

Logan takes on the task of getting both of their tattoos cleaned up, his own from the previous night included. Kendall just watches as he goes through the motions, the monotony of it all a pleasant reprieve from the nonstop chaos of the past few days, bringing order where there was none. Logan was lost in the simple routine as well, his mind blissfully blank, a stark contrast to the day before when darker thoughts had been threatening to take over.

They were in no rush, for once, having no need for it this time.

Kendall tugs on Logan’s hand once he’s done, aligning his left arm with his own. His fingers hover just above his wrist with the desire to brush over the raised ink, an urge to trace each letter. He stops himself just in time, smiling sheepishly at Logan’s glare of disapproval.

The polaroid photo of their past seemed as though it was watching them from its place on the fridge, reminding Kendall of what their present was missing. It was almost taunting them in a way, showing them everything they once had, everything that ‘Big Time Rush’ seemed to have taken from them.

Kendall sighs, frustrated with his inability to not dwell on the past. The four hockey players from Minnesota had to face the music. Those hockey players were Big Time Rush, the thrill and the chaos themselves. The very rush they were all seeking. They weren’t together at that very moment, and everything was hectic as all hell, but they hadn’t lost each other. They were still together as a group, a family. They could still take on anything that was thrown their way together and so they would.

“Big Time Rush?” Kendall asks Logan again, smiling exaggeratedly, almost mocking himself but he really meant it this time. The question, their mantra— though it was admittedly a little silly—hadn’t lost its meaning at all, Kendall decided. 

“Big Time Rush.” Logan agrees yet again, smiling and nodding.

They each burst into a brief yet slightly hysterical fit of laughter at themselves, both of them recognizing the absurdity of it all. 

Then Logan was pulling Kendall out of the kitchen, away from the ghosts of their past and into the future that they had gotten a chance to rewrite. They still felt incomplete without James and Carlos occupying the space they usually took up, but the palpable void they left them with just served as further motivation for them to keep moving forward, trusting that it would be filled again in due time.

The four of them—whether together or apart—were Big Time Rush. And even though they have been for years now, they all felt that they were still at the very beginning of their journey, nowhere near ready to give it up.

Together, they could do this.

Chapter Text

story’s not dead i just have the ao3 author curse where my life is a constant shit show hahahaha promise i’ll get back to this when i can :)