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Ian and Mickey go to a couple’s therapist once a month.
They’re not having any marriage problems but Ian’s therapist recommended they see one together after hearing brief stories from his solo sessions.
Mickey was against this at first but eventually gave in. It was slowgoing at first but then session by session, it went somewhere.
-
“I felt” Mickey sighs loudly and looks up at the ceiling to avoid making eye contact “Betrayed? When you didn’t marry me at city hall. I don’t know, thought it was like, you wanting to leave me again”
“Yeah”
“And like, I get it, I get why you do but it still fucking sucks” Mickey’s still getting the hang of talking about feelings. It’s awkward and he’s not used to airing out his thoughts and fears to anyone, even Ian, but especially with a silent third person in the room making notes with a scratchy pen and intercepting to ask questions to prompt them every so often.
“Sometimes I get in my head that you’d be better off without me” Ian admits. “And then it’s all I can focus on and it’s better if I make you leave before you leave me. Because I know I wouldn’t be able to handle it if you left me on your own”
-
“I didn’t understand why you were so upset when Terry died” Ian says one session. “And I guess I still don’t because Frank died and I still feel indifferent about it”
“Ian” Michelle gently says “It says here your mother died, maybe try picturing Mickey’s relationship with his father as your relationship with her instead of Frank. You said you were close”
“I guess” Ian shrugs
“Terry and I weren’t ‘close’” Mickey argues, using air quotes around the word ‘close’. “Did you miss the part where he tried to kill me? Several times?”
“No” Michelle taps her pen “But it was a very confusing time for you because you told me that aside from you being gay, you still went to him for help and guidance in certain activities. That tells me you still valued an opinion and approval”
-
“I don’t like being coddled”
“Neither”
“I feel like you’re walking through a fire pit to avoid triggering me”
“What? So me, being a caring husband who cares about his husband's health is a bad thing?”
“Now you’re just twisting my words”
“Fucking hell”
“I’m a fucking person Mickey, I’m going to be sad and I’m going to be happy! Just because I also have bipolar doesn’t mean I can’t feel normal human emotions without it being an episode!”
“Okay but sometimes it is!”
“And sometimes I’m just happy breaking into the public pool with you and like laughing with you!”
“Sure! But I’m going to be worried about you all the time!”
“You shouldn’t have to! That’s the fucking point!”
“I worry about everything with you! Like I’m worried you’re watching episodes of Ozark without me when I’m at work - stop laughing at me!”
-
“I meant it at the wedding, in sickness and health. All that shit” Mickey rubs at his eyebrow with his thumb. “Cause you know, I love you and I want you to be, fuck, I want you to be good and let me know when something feels shit”
-
“I had nightmares for ages” Ian says quietly, gently fiddling with his hands and looking down at his lap. He sniffs and rubs at his eye to push back the tears threatening to fall “When I was made to watch, you and Svetlana”
They haven’t spoken about this. It came up a bit immediately after and it resulted in Mickey breaking down and kicking the shit out of Ian and then it kind of disappeared as it weirdly turned into a little family dynamic later on.
“Me too,” Mickey says just as quietly. “I couldn’t look at you”
The memory of Terry walking in feels like it could have happened yesterday sometimes. When Mickey was so out of it that the only thing going through his mind was to protect Ian. Terry had a gun pointed at him, wasn’t afraid to shoot Ian if he so much looked in a different direction and then immediately shoot Mickey after.
“I thought you were gonna die” Ian confesses “When you jumped on your dad”
“I thought you were gonna die”
There were times Mickey thought he’d rather have died that day. Then he wouldn’t have to go through with marrying a woman, wouldn’t have to fucking deal with a baby, having Ian run off to join the army and leaving him alone. At the time, it would have been easier to just disappear and make life easier for everyone.
Ian’s given up on keeping the tears at bay, their therapist hands him a tissue and he dabs at them and lets out a small cough.
“Sometimes I think the trauma of it caused my first bipolar episode” Ian glances over at the window, the sun is shining through the leaves creating shadows on the carpeted floor and he can see birds in the distance. “I mean, there were a lot of things happening at that time but I think it was a big part of it. Like my brain couldn’t handle it so it made me hyperfocus on other things to keep me distracted”
“I never slept with her again” Mickey catches Ian’s eye “I-I couldn’t. I had to sleep with a shirt on in bed because I couldn’t handle it”
“I get why you acted the way you did, I really do” Ian says earnestly “I think back then I wasn’t as caring as I could have been”
“I wouldn’t have let you care anyway” Mickey replies “I beat the shit out of you”
“Yeah” Ian sighs “Shitty coping mechanisms”
“You could say that again”
“Shitty coping mechanisms” Ian lets out a wet laugh while Mickey gives him a small smile whilst rolling his eyes.
-
“The after was good” Mickey spoke up “After I came out and, and you were yourself again”
“It was”
“After Ian’s first depressive episode?” Michelle confirms. Ian nods in confirmation. “What happened after?”
“He lived with me” Mickey takes a sip of water “With Svetlana and Yevgeny and my brothers sometimes. Terry was in jail for you know, nearly killing me again”
“What was it like? Living with your wife and child and Ian?”
“Good” Mickey nods, he looks over at Ian who smiles back “Ian loved Yevgeny and took care of him. He and Svet were friends”
“Were you worried when Ian took Yevgeny?”
“Yeah, of course” Mickey frowns “I mean, I knew Yevgeny would be fine. Ian, you’d never hurt him. I was just scared, I guess?”
“Scared of what?”
“Ian would get arrested” Mickey answers immediately “That he’d be locked up for something when really he just needed help”
Mickey pauses and looks Ian right in the eye.
“I was going to force you to go to the hospital whether you wanted to or not” Mickey’s voice cracks a little and he clenches his jaw when he notices. “I, I just couldn’t help you by myself anymore”
-
The drive home is always a little tense after these sessions. It’s hard to unload all these feelings onto one another and then sitting in a small space with them. Sometimes they laugh a little about what was talked about but mostly they just listen to the radio.
After harder sessions, they go get shitty takeaway food. Go through the drive thru and pick out the most disgustingly perfect burgers and pour some alcohol into their sodas when they get home.
Sometimes Mickey goes for a walk and Ian goes to the gym. Or they’ll eat dinner in the kitchen after making it together.
But they end up in the same spot every single night without fail. In their bed with the swanky new mattress, Ian on the right and Mickey on the left. Their wedding photo framed and hanging up on the wall across from them.