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Sunday, January 31st, A little past midnight
Makoto honestly isn’t surprised to hear someone at his door.
He doesn’t even bother to say ‘come in’, because he knows it’s Kotone, and he doesn’t have to let her in his room.
His sister pushes the door open, the pink fuzzy blanket she bought on a sale back in October on her shoulders, the little teddy bear he’d got her on their birthday ages ago in her hands and a hesitant smile on her lips.
“I couldn’t sleep.”
Wordlessly, he sits up and pats the space next to him on the bed, and the hesitance on Kotone’s face disappears as she softly closes the door behind her.
Makoto’s fairly certain that it’s against dorm regulations for Kotone to be in his room so late.
He has no idea though.
And he doesn’t care.
He also thinks that at this point, Mitsuru has long since given up on getting Kotone to follow that one particular rule.
Kotone drapes the fuzzy blanket on both of them, and leans her head on his shoulder.
They’re silent, simply enjoying each other’s company, and it reminds Makoto of how things were, all those years ago, when they would crawl into each other’s beds and seek comfort in each other when the world suddenly stopped making sense.
“Hey, Makoto?”
He hums, and Kotone continues, “Do you think we can do it?”
She doesn’t say what it is, because she knows he knows what she’s talking about.
“I don’t know, Kotone. The only thing I know is that I’d never live with myself if I don’t even try.”
His sister says nothing for a moment, and the only sound is that of the light rain hitting his bedroom window, along with Junpei’s loud snoring from next door.
“I feel the same way, but…I’m so scared…what if…” she falls silent again, and Makoto lets her collect her thoughts.
It’s funny, he thinks, because it’s usually the other way around, with Kotone patiently waiting for him to find his words while Makoto tries -and always fails- to make her understand what sent him into a panic this time.
“I have this…really bad feeling. Like… something is going to happen, and I won’t be able to do anything about it. I’m scared, and even Persephone’s been feeling restless these past few days.”
Makoto hums, raising a hand and slowly starting to play with Kotone’s auburn hair.
He’s always like her hair, ever since they were kids.
It’s the same color as their mother’s.
(He tries not to think that her hair color is the only thing he actually remembers of Yuuki Hikari.)
“I…” he starts, but then stops, and wets his lips, thinking his words over.
Messiah hums gently within him, calming him down in the process, and Makoto takes a deep breath before speaking up again, “I’m also scared. But…we have to try. If I were to let you die without having even tried to keep it from happening, I would never forgive myself. “
Instead of answering, Kotone buries her face in the crook of his neck, and Makoto wisely doesn’t comment on the wetness he can feel on his neck.
“It’s almost midnight. Once that time comes, I’ll lose this physical form and become an entity intangible to everyone. This is the only chance you have to make this decision.”
Makoto knows that.
That’s why he silently reaches for his Evoker.
It’s for the best, he tells himself.
It’s just another Shadow, he tells himself.
“That’s all I am, Makoto. Just a Shadow. I’m not human, I’ve never been. I could never be human.”
“Mako…what are you doing?”
He turns around, and Kotone’s standing behind him, the blood red sea surrounding them as they stand on the Moonlight Bridge.
“Why didn’t you kill him, Makoto? I’m so scared. I don’t want to die. Why didn’t you kill him?”
He…he couldn’t…
Ryoji speaks up, tilting his head to the side as he does so, “Aren’t you going to kill me, Makoto?”
He is, isn’t he?
…is he?
“Didn’t you promise you’d always keep your sister safe?”
The voice is one he doesn’t immediately recognize, but when he does, he feels his heart drop.
Slowly, he turns around, and where Kotone was standing a few seconds ago, there’s now a burning car.
“You promised me, Mako-chan, that you’d always keep Ko-chan safe. Why aren’t you doing that then?”
His mother sounds displeased, disappointed even, and Makoto can’t handle it for the life of him.
He falls to his knees, “Mom, I…I tried-”
“You’re not supposed to try , Makoto. You make a promise, you keep it. I thought we had raised you better than this.”
If his mother sounded hurt, his father seemed to be angry.
The Evoker trembles in his grip, “Dad, I…Kotone, please-”
“Mako-nii, I’m scared.”
“My dearest, you have to kill me.”
“Mako-chan. you promised.”
“Makoto, I thought you were better than this.”
“Go on.”
Oh.
Right.
Silently, he raises the gun shaped object to his temple.
“You’re nothing but a failure.”
He is, isn’t he.
“You damn brat. It’s all your fault, isn’t it?! Everything's been going badly since we took you in! You must be the reason your parents died too, isn’t that right?!”
Mr. Arisato is right.
“You useless child! You’re always sleeping! Can’t you be more grateful?!”
Mrs. Arisato is right.
“Makoto?”
He pulls the trigger.
Makoto wakes up with a jolt, and he’s immediately overwhelmed by the weight on his body, so he scrambles back in a frenzy, and he thinks he hears someone groan in response, but the only thing filling his mind are the garbled screams and insults in many voices, from Ryoji’s to Mom’s to Mr. Arisato’s to Kotone’s-
“Makoto?”
He doomed them all, all because of his selfishness.
“Makoto? You’re scaring me…please?”
Why did they let him choose?
“Makoto!”
Why did they-
The sudden weight on his arm has him flinching, and he realizes he’s been pulling on his hair, blue strand caught in his shaking hands.
He pulls his arm away from the touch, feeling almost burned by it.
“Right. Sorry. I should have asked before touching you.”
Oh, it’s Kotone.
Of course it is, his sister is always there for him, even when he doesn’t want her to, even when he thinks she shouldn’t bother with someone like him, because he’s just dragging her down, isn’t he? She would be-
“Makoto! Breathe!”
Her voice cuts through the haze of his screaming thoughts, and Makoto feels his body freeze up.
“You with me?”
He looks up at her, and she comes into view, her face blurry though the tears he hadn’t even realized had collected.
Makoto shakily nods, and Kotone breathes in relief.
“Okay. Okay, that’s good. Can I touch you?”
She shouldn’t bother with someone like him-
He shakes his head, and Kotone lets her hands drop in her lap, where he can clearly see them.
He knows it’s on purpose.
“That’s fine.” She falls silent for a moment, and Makoto’s sure she’s considering which course of action is best. “Are you good? Or would you rather we do the five things?”
He slowly nods his head, because while he really, really shouldn’t bother her, he also knows he’s still on the verge of spiraling again, and Kotone deserves more than being lied to by her wreck of a twin brother.
“Okay. Tell me five things you can see then.” she says, her voice soft and so full of patience and love and understanding it makes Makoto’s heart ache-
“You” he starts, his voice scratchy, and Kotone nods encouragingly.
He tries to look around, “The door,” and Kotone smiles softly, “The curtains, the desk and the sink.”
“Okay. Four things you can feel?”
Makoto slowly reaches for her hand, and Kotone lets him.
“Your fuzzy blanket, the wall, my clothes and your hand.”
In response, she squeezes his hand, gently, and Makoto thanks the Universe for his sister.
“Three things you can hear?”
Makoto swallows, “Your voice, the rain, and…” he falls silent for a second, and the only sound in the room is that of their breathing- Kotone’s calm and grounding, his own labored and quick.
Kotone’s breathing, and she’s alive, and not in a car burning away with their parents.
“Your breathing.”
Kotone squeezes his hand again, “Two things you can smell?”
Makoto grimaces, “I don’t…”
“It’s fine, take your time.”
He nods, takes a breath in, holds it and then releases it.
He’s had almost every single member of S.E.E.S. coach him through breathing by now, and the motions are now familiar.
“Your hair conditioner.”
Kotone chuckles at that, “Okay, something else?”
Makoto takes in a deep breath, trying to focus on what smell he could pick up in his room, but he’s hit by the image of his parents, in the car, and the air in his lungs burns, and all he can smell is ash and burning flesh-
He’s retching off the side of the bed before he even finishes the thought.
Kotone, his beloved sister, holds him through it, and Makoto feels like shit for making her deal with him.
When his stomach stops trying to claw its way out of his body, he lets Kotone guide his body back to rest against her.
They fall silent for a while, Kotone gently playing with his hair and Makoto getting his breathing back under control.
After a while, Kotone taps his head twice, and Makoto hums in response.
‘Are you good to talk?’
‘Yes.’
“What…” she trails off, likely afraid that asking might trigger him again.
“The accident.” is all he says, and Kotone understands.
“Okay. Are you okay now? Or well, better?”
Makoto grabs her hand and starts tracing mindless patterns on it.
He wonders if the callouses on it are more from holding her naginata or from the tennis racket.
He wonders if the many calluses on his own hand, from holding his sword, the shinai and playing the violin ever bother her.
“I think so, yeah.” is what he eventually says, and Kotone takes it for what it is.
“That’s good.”
After a while, Kotone moves to clean up the mess -immediately shutting down Makoto’s insistence that he should do it himself-, and they end up playing Two-Ten-Jack on his bed, since despite it being something like almost three in the morning, neither of them feel like sleeping.
She wins -again-, and Makoto huffs in slight annoyance.
“It’s not my fault you suck at this, Mako-nii”
He allows the smile tugging at his lips to form, “Whatever you say, nee-chan.”
Kotone stares at him, her mouth slightly open and a look of shock written all over her that Makoto can’t help but laugh.
“The look on your face!”
Kotone recovers -too quickly in his opinion-, and immediately starts defending herself -too late now-.
“What the hell, Makoto?!”
He sends her a flat look, “You call me Mako-nii all the time, Kotone.”
“Yeah, and you’ve never called me nee-chan !”
“So?”
Kotone pouts and starts shuffling the cards again, “You’re so annoying, you know that?”
He chuckles, “Thanks, I try my best.”
His sister stifles a laugh at that, and Makoto feels his determination grow even more.
He will protect her, whatever it may take.
Kotone, Yukari, Junpei, Mitsuru-senpai, Akihiko-senpai, Fuuka, Ken, Koromaru, Aigis, Aragaki-senpai, they all deserve to live.
They mean so, so much to him, and he’ll be damned if he lets some ancient Goddess keep them from living their lives to their fullest.
Kotone will grow up, and become an amazing teacher like she’s always wanted.
Yukari, who’s finally taken a step in fixing her relationship with her mother, will be able to make amends, and maybe even listen to his advice and get into modeling.
Junpei and Chidori will live happily, giving meaning to each other, and Makoto’s sure Junpei will come to realize that the meaning to one’s life is determined by the small things first and foremost.
Mitsuru will, and he has no doubt about this, become an incredible woman, even in a world that favors males and scorns females. He just hopes she’ll never forget that there are people that are willing to stand by her and help her, even if she doesn’t need it.
Akihiko will finally stop being chained by the past, and probably, actually no, definitely keep on looking for a new way to test his skill and challenge himself, much to Mitsuru’s dismay.
Fuuka will pursue her true passion, no matter what her parents say, and he’s sure she’ll thrive once she allows herself to do what she actually enjoys. Maybe she’ll even eventually learn how to cook.
Ken, who is now finally looking ahead, and finally sees how much more he has to live, will no doubt make the most of it, under the watchful gaze of his mother.
Shinjiro will wake up, he’s sure of that, and Kotone will be so, so , happy, and he’ll finally stop letting his life be determined by a mistake in the past and become a chef, if Kotone has any say in the matter- and doesn’t Makoto know how persuasive his sister can be.
And Aigis, beautiful lovely Aigis, who is so much more than the mere machine she was built to be, that Ikutsuki saw her as. Aigis, who is so much more human than that mad man could ever hope to be. Aigis, who’s finally started to look for the answer to life, and he knows she’ll realize that there is no definite answer.
Life is, after all, what one decides to make of it.
Logically, the same is to be said about the answer to it.
But Makoto’s sure she will eventually come to this realization.
Messiah hums in his chest, the sound carrying the same soothing tone of Orpheus’ lyre and the fierce protectiveness of Thanatos’ roars, and Makoto knows he will do anything to make sure that his family gets to become all of these amazing things.