Chapter Text
Tomorrow is a hope, never a promise
“Destiny is a gift”
More like a curse.
“Some go their entire lives, living existences of quiet desperation…”
I suppose I’m one of that ‘some’.
“… never learning the truth that what feels as though a burden pushing down upon our shoulders is actually a sense of purpose lifting us to greater heights”
A sense of purpose lifting us? Yeah, to make us fall and hit the ground.
“Never forget that fear is but the precursor of valor, that to strive and triumph in the face of fear is what it means to be a hero”
Since I couldn’t triumph in the face of fear, I don’t think I’m a hero.
“Don't think. Become"
He and his friends did exactly that. They became. And what for? For glory? For honor? For the victory? For the world? No. They became for nothing. They were supposed to win. They were supposed to be the heroes of Earth. They were supposed to have a happy ending. But the only thing they got was pain. They suffered, they were tortured, they broke and some of them died. The battle against the Arcane Order was supposed to be the last. It was supposed to be the last time they faced an enemy. But things didn’t end there. They didn’t win.
Guardians of Arcadia. Arcadia Protectors. Knights of Arcadia. Heroes of the Shadows. People in their city called them a lot of names. People of Arcadia believed in them. Believed in him. Nevertheless he couldn’t save them. He couldn’t protect them. He was the trollhunter, he was supposed to be chosen one. The boy who was going to save the world from Gunmar, Morgana and other evil creatures. But he let his allies die. Over and over again.
First time he traveled back in time he thought everything would be fixed. Toby would be the trollhunter, Strickler and Nomura would switch sides sooner than in the previous timeline, they would make a better plan to defeat the Arcane Order, and none of them would die.
It was stupid to think someone like him could save them.
He could save Toby and Nomura from their terrible fates, but Strickler died, as well as Aaarrrgghh, Claire and Eli. Why? He traveled in time so he could save the people he loved. It was worthless if he lost other friends instead. Then, despite not being the trollhunter, he was the only one who could travel back in time again. At first he was a little confused about that, but he didn’t let that distract him. He had another chance to make things right, that was all that mattered to him.
And he actually didn’t want Toby to go through the same thing as him.
He didn’t want him to travel in time and feel the same loneliness he felt for belonging to another timeline.
He planned to make Toby the trollhunter again, but he couldn’t. Before he could tell him to go to the canal, he found out that Claire was the chosen one. Merlin chose her instead of Toby or him. That didn’t upset him, after all, if she was the trollhunter she would certainly survive the battle against the Arcane Order, but he had to make sure that Toby survived then. Being possessed by Morgana wasn’t in his plans, but having magic was very useful nevertheless. And he finally understood why Claire enjoyed being a witch. It was awesome.
But he couldn’t be so happy about being a wizard since things went wrong again. Douxie died instead of Claire, Toby didn’t survived, no matter how much he tried to keep him alive and if that wasn’t enough, Barbara died too. His mother died. He lost his mother and he felt his heart break into a million pieces. Of all the people, losing her was unacceptable. That’s why he felt relieved when he traveled back in time a third time.
He didn’t understand why he kept traveling back in time instead of Toby and Claire, who were the trollhunters in the two previous timelines, but if the world wanted him to save the world, he would do it.
The third time Aaarrrgghh was chosen as the trollhunter. Things went right that time, no one died in any of the battles they fought, until they had to fight against the Arcane Order. They couldn’t win, no matter how hard they tried.
The fourth time he traveled back in time Blinky was chosen as the trollhunter. He went to his house the day after the death of Kangijar and he told him he remembered everything that happened in the first timeline. Although he felt confused for that, he was happy because he didn’t have to carry the weight of the world on his shoulders alone. But even with Blinky remembering the first timeline things didn’t end well.
The fifth time, his mother got the amulet for crossing the canal to go to the hospital. He didn’t want her to carry that weight on her shoulders, but he would accept it if that meant Barbara would survive the battle against Skrael and Bellroc. In that timeline, Strickler was redeemed sooner than in the first timeline, but Nomura didn’t end in the Darklands. She went with Otto to India to wake up Angor Rot, and even if she switched sides sooner too, they couldn’t stop the Arcane Order.
The sixth time Strickler. As well as Blinky, he also remembered the first timeline. That was really a relief. He didn’t know how he could have made him switch sides. When he himself was chosen as the trollhunter, Strickler redeemed thanks to the bond he had with Barbara and him. Thanks to certain events that lead him to change. But if he was chosen when he was still on Gunmar’s side, he didn’t know what could have made him betray him other than recovering his memories. Which was exactly what happened and he only could be grateful for it.
The seventh time Draal. To his surprise, things didn’t end as badly as Merlin wanted him to think they would. Gunmar wasn’t released from his prison, and the gumm-gumm’s didn’t invaded Arcadia nor the Earth. That made him realized that Merlin only manipulated him to think he was the only one who could be chosen as the trollhunter. The wizard was wrong because when he traveled back in time, Draal was capable of protecting Arcadia almost without problems.
The eighth time Steve. He once thought that someone like him couldn’t be worthy of being chosen by the amulet, but after he discovered the troll’s world in the first timeline, he changed and turned out to be one of his most-valued friends. That’s why he wasn’t surprised when he saw that he was a good trollhunter.
Everyone he knew was once chosen as the trollhunter, and no matter who got Merlin’s amulet, they never won. A few of them always died, even if they ended up defeating the Arcane Order and the Titans. But even if he felt his heart breaking, he wouldn’t surrender. He would try to save his loved ones as many times as necessary. He couldn’t stop until he made sure all of his friends and his family were safe. None of his loved ones had to die, and even if he had to try it a hundred times, he would protect them.
He couldn’t live without any of them.
Around the fifty-second time, each of his allies was twice chosen as the trollhunter, and he had to watch his loved ones die more times than he wanted to remember. But although he was tired, he wouldn’t stop. He couldn’t stop. Eveytime, after the death of someone in the battle against the Arcane Order, no matter who was chosen by Merlin’s amulet, only him was capable of travel back in time. So he tried over and over to save the people he loved, until the amulet called him the hundredth time. That didn’t happen since the first timeline, but he couldn’t be the trollhunter again. It would only cause pain to his friends. Draal, Vendel, Strickler, Nomura and Toby died in the first timeline because of him, and even Nari, Morgana, Merlin, Archie and Angor Rot suffered for his decisions. He didn’t want the amulet to chose him a second time.
Things would end terrible if he was chosen.
“Hey Jim. Are you okay?”
He shooked his head and looked at Toby. He didn’t know he was lost in his thoughts until his friend called him by his name. Toby was looking at him with concern, with a raised hand, as if he wanted to put it in his shoulders to make him react.
“It was the two of us at the start. It’ll be the two of us until the end”
“Always have been, always will be with you”
Jim tightened his grip in the handlebars. He felt his heart aching and held back his tears. Seeing Toby alive again and not being able to tell him about Merlin’s amulet calling his name was so painful. But he wouldn’t lift up Kanjigar’s ruins to take the amulet and show it to Toby. Someone else had to be chosen as the trollhunter.
Not him.
Not again.
“I’m fine, Tobes” he forced a smile “Let’s go to the school. We can’t be late”
Immediately after saying that, they heard the school bell and Toby looked at him with fear “We’re so late our kids are gonna have detention!”
* * *
He thought seeing his classmates -no, his friends- would make him feel better, but the only thing he felt when he saw them was pain. They laughed and joked with other students, happily unaware of their fate. He was supposed to protect them, and even when they still weren’t his allies -because they only started getting closer to him after the twentieth time he traveled back in time- saving them was his duty. They weren’t supposed to die. They weren’t supposed to suffer, to went through the things they went.
All of them were teenagers, and they didn’t were in his group of friends in the first timeline, so why did they had to get involved in the conflict? Blinky, Aaarrrgghh, Claire, Toby, Aja, Krel, Varvatos and only a few more persons were supposed to be the Guardians of Arcadia. Seamus, Mary, Darci, their teachers and the parents of their friends weren’t destined to know about the Troll’s world, much less suffer because of it.
Why did they had to become his friends? Why did they decided to support him? They chose to be by his side and they only got hurt because of that.
He almost let out a broken laugh. ‘Only got hurt’ was an euphemism knowing what happened to them in some of the previous timelines. Some of them were killed by gumm-gumms, some of them were killed by Bular or Gunmar, some of them were paralyzed by Angor Rot, some of them were controlled by Morgana, and that was only a small part of the things they went through.
Just for him.
Just for him.
If they hadn't known him, if he hadn’t been chosen as the trollhunter the first time, then they wouldn’t have suffered as much as they did. Everything that happened to them was his fault. Because he was a reckless, unconscious and foolish boy who didn’t know better. A kid who thought he could be a hero. A protector. A savior. But no matter how hard he tried, he couldn’t be a hero. Because like Strickler said in the first timeline, he was weak, and the world would rot because of that. After he said those words he told him that he wouldn’t allow that to happen. He was convinced he would defeat Gunmar, prevent the Eternal Night, and save the world. He thought he could overcome the darkness -and after all, he commanded the daylight, right?-, but he couldn’t.
He was a failure.
A loser.
And because of him the world would be destroyed.
“Jim, would you agree?”
Strickler.
That was Strickler’s voice.
“You know Jim? I once tried to kill you. I really did. And now… Well, I’ve never felt so good about failing”
“Ask you not to be a hero is like asking the sun not to rise”
Why?
Of all the people he could lose, why did it have to be him? Why did it have to be his enemy turned ally? Why did it have to be his father?
He felt his eyes filled with tears and he closed them, trying not to cry. The last thing he wanted was showing his classmates and his teacher how broken, how damaged he was. They couldn’t know about the pain he was trying to hide.
“Huh?” He looked at Strickler, praying that his eyes weren’t red.
“With Herodotus’ opinion on his tactics of war, as I’ve described”
A few times he answered that question correctly -to his own surprise-, but that time, he wasn’t mentally stable enough to think about historical events. There were a lot of things in his mind but History wasn’t one of them.
“I…” Jim sighed “I wasn’t paying attention, Mr. Strickler. Sorry but I can’t answer the question”
His classmates laughed and he shranked. He didn’t know what to feel about their laughter. It was good to seeing them happy, instead of hearing them cry or scream, but why did it hurt so much that they laughed about him? If they knew what happened to him, they surely wouldn’t laugh. They wouldn’t be happy about his suffering. But even if that was true, why did they have to make fun of him? That wasn’t right.
Don’t be an asshole. They are happy now, that’s all that matters. If they laugh about you or about other thing is unimportant.
Yeah. It’s true. As long as they are alive and happy, I don’t matter.
The school bell rang and all the students got up to go to their next class, while Jim stayed in the classroom a few more minutes. When he was sure he wouldn’t fall to the ground, he stood up and grabbed his case and his book to put it in his school bag.
“Jim”
Hearing Strickler’s voice made his hands tremble and the school bag fell to the ground. Damn it. How could that be possible? A hundred times he traveled to the past, and a hundred times he let his bag fell. It must be a joke. He sighed and crouched down to grab the things that came out of his bag. Why every time he went to the past he had to pick it up? The universe really hated him.
“Jim, are you okay?” Strickler seemed concerned.
“I’m okay, Mr. Strickler”
“You didn’t pay attention to the class. Are you sure you’re okay?” he held out his book.
He extended his hand to grab the book and closed his eyes. No. He wanted to say. No, I’m not okay. How I’m supposed to be okay after everything I went through? His eyes filled with tears but he couldn’t allow him to cry. Not in front of his teacher. Not in that moment. How could he do that? How could he show him how broken he was?
“I’m fine”
Jim put the book in the school bag and Strickler looked at him with disbelief. In that moment he knew that his teacher wouldn’t let him go until he gave him a proper explanation. I can’t tell him the truth. The only option was lying to him. But if the lie was too obvious, he would be forced to stay until he said what was actually happening to him.
“I’m… tired, Mr. Strickler. That’s all”
Half a truth is often a great lie.
“I know it’s just you and your mother and you want to help her. But you shouldn’t overexert yourself for her” he grab a piece of paper and he wrote his number in it “Here, take this. I should talk to her someday” when they got up, Strickler held out his earphones “And feel free to drop by my office if you ever need to talk”
“Yeah, I’ll do that” he looked at him with a forced smile.
The school bell rang again and he went to the school gym. When he saw his friend climb the rope and fall, his heart skipped a beat. For a second he thought he saw the fire titan falling on top of him again. He took a step back, trying not to cry. Seeing that illusion made him remember the death of his friend. How hurt he was, how cold his hand was when he grabbed it, how the light left his eyes. He shook his head and did what the other students were doing. That hallucination wasn’t important.
When the class was about end, he planned to talk with Claire like he did in the first timeline, but looking at her made him remember everything they went through together and his eyes filled with tears.
“You're only human. And that's enough for me”
“Don’t stop trying until I love you”
He looked at his other classmates trying not to cry but when he also remembered what happened to them, he could only run to the locker room. Some tears fell down his cheeks and he rubbed his eyes immediately. He couldn’t cry. He wasn’t allowed to cry, not after everything he did to his allies, to his friends, to his family. He pressed his lips together and he trembled. When would it all end?
When would his suffering end?
He didn’t want to carry the weight of world in his shoulders.
He didn’t want to go on like that.
He only wanted to be a kid,
He only wanted to be safe.
A single tear fell from his eyes and he didn’t even try to hold it back.
* * *
Once classes were over he went to his house crossing the canal and when he didn’t see the blue glow of Merlin’s amulet he sighed, relieved. So I actually wasn’t chosen this time. That meant someone else had the magic object. Good. Whoever that person was would definitely be a better trollhunter than him. Toby wasn’t it, because he stayed in school for a little longer, as well as Claire, Steve and Eli, who signed up for the tryouts of Romeo and Juliet. That only left a few more students and some trolls.
He would eventually discover who got Merlin’s amulet, but the only thing he wanted to do when he arrived home was lie down in bed and get some sleep. What he told to Strickler was true, he was tired. Tired of traveling back in time. Tired of seeing his friends die. Tired of everything.
If he hadn’t been chosen in the first timeline, nothing bad would have happened. He wouldn’t be so tired, and none of his friends would have suffered. But Merlin chose him and the world would end because of him.
How could Merlin be so foolish to choose him?
Of all creatures, why did he had to be the trollhunter?
After he came into the house, he dropped his school bag in the ground and he sat on the bed. He sighed and rested his head on the pillow.
“Auch”
Wait. That hurt?
It wasn’t supposed to hurt. It was a pillow. How could something like that hurt? He reached under the pillow and pullet out a glowing object. What the..? When he realized what was that thing, he let it fall to the ground. No.
No no no no no. It couldn’t be true.
He would recognize that thing anywhere. It was the amulet. It was Merlin’s amulet. And if it was in his bedroom, if he had it, that meant that he was…
Oh no.
“No no no no no” he got up from the bed and walked away putting his hands on his head.
He couldn’t be trollhunter. Not again.
“Oh God” he said in a shaking voice.
His hands were trembling and he felt his heart hitting his ribcage hard. Of all the things that could happen, that was the worst. Being chosen as the trollhunter was the last thing that could happen in that timeline. It was the hundredth time he traveled back to the past. He couldn’t deal with another failed attempt.
But if he was chosen as the trollhunter, the future was already doomed.
His friends would die again. He wouldn’t be capable of saving them. He would have to go back in time one more time -because living in a world without them was unacceptable- and he would have to suffer again.
“Boy, you have to breathe”
He didn’t know he was having a panic attack until he saw Kangijar’s ghost in front of him. But he didn’t have time to question why he was there -if they weren’t in the Void Between Worlds- before realize that air wasn’t entering his lungs.
“Breathe”
As if it were easy. Kangijar didn’t know what he was feeling. How he felt his heart aching due to having been chosen by Merlin’s amulet. How hurt he was due to the deaths of his friends. How desperate he was to succeed and save the world from the Arcane Order. How much suffering he was hiding since he traveled back in time for the first time.
“You need to breathe”
You need to breathe. He knew he had to breathe. But saying those words was much more easier that doing what he told him to do. He couldn’t calm down, no matter how hard he tried to. He felt like he was going to die and yet he couldn’t force himself to breathe.
Wait.
If he died because of the panic attack, wouldn't that mean another person would be chosen as the trollhunter?
Then he wouldn’t have to be the trollhunter again.
He wouldn’t have to suffer anymore.
No.
No no no no.
He felt his chest hurt. How could he think something like that? Time-travel wasn’t about him. He didn’t matter. Everything he was doing was to protect the people he loved, to save their lives. He couldn’t stop until they were safe, despite feeling broken inside. His eyes filled with tears and he held them back when Kangijar’s ghost put his hands on his shoulders.
“It’s okay, trollhunter. You’re not alone” he squeezed his shoulders.
Jim looked at him with teary eyes. He didn’t know why that calmed him down, but it did.
“You don’t have to be alone. You have your friends and your family”
He had his friends and his family.
His friends and family.
He repressed a broken laugh. Did he really have them?
Toby died in the first timeline because of him. He was his best friend and he let him die. After everything they went through, after everything Toby did for him, for his friendship, last thing he could do was save his life. But he failed. He was a terrible person who couldn’t even protect his best friend. Even in the other timelines he couldn’t keep him entirely safe. The fortieth time he traveled to the past, he was possessed by Morgana and he didn’t prevent that.
Claire was smiling with her friends the day where all started. There was pure joy in her face, pure happiness. Then he came into her life and ruined it. She was possessed by a witch in the first timeline, she was paralyzed by Angor Rot in another timeline, and she was killed in other timeline. She broke her heart and destroyed her life. And she would definitely live better if they didn’t interact at all.
Barbara suffered because of him too. She was his mother. Of all the people in the world, hurt her was unacceptable. But he did it. When she discovered the troll’s world, he hurt her. And he would never forgive himself for that. She even died in a timeline. At it was only his fault. He was only capable of ruining her life.
Everyone he knew was damaged. Because knowing him only meant a terrible fate. So if the world wanted that much to keep him alone, then he would fulfill his desires.
“I don’t” he muttered, closing his eyes “You said it once, right? I must to finish the battle alone. Well that’s what I plan to do. If I’m alone, then… No one has to suffer because of me”
Kangijar’s ghost looked at him with pity. “I was wrong. You are stronger together”
“Oh yeah? Are we?” he looked at him with disbelief “A hundred times, Kangijar. I traveled back in time a hundred times and I can’t save them even if we work together. So you were right since the beginning”
The ghost stayed silent.
“But yes, you were wrong about something”
“About what?” he blinked.
“You said that my team would get me killed”
“I did” he looked at him confused. He didn’t know what was that about.
“You were wrong. My team won’t get me killed” he forced a smile “I will get my team killed”
* * *
Blinky and Aaarrrgghh were supposed to appear in his basement the same day he found the amulet under Kangijar’s ruins in the canal, but if that didn’t happen as it should have, how would he meet them? Was it even a good option to meet them in that timeline in the first place? He reunited with Blinky and Aaarrrgghh every time he traveled back in time, but after everything they went through because of him, it was almost better if they didn't know him. Even if that would mean they wouldn’t be aware of the trollhunter’s identity.
After everything that happened to them, how could he be able of approaching them again? He would be a terrible person if he did that. The only thing that awaited them if they knew him was pain. They suffered too much in the previous timelines because of him to think about being his friends again and hurt them even more.
If they were his allies, only death would await them. And he didn’t want to see them die again.
He heard something falling in the basement and he held his breath. That noise- He heard that noice before. The first time he got the amulet. He thought that raccoons were in the basement, but then he discovered they were actually trolls. Trolls who told him he was the chosen one. That he was the trollhunter and he had to protect the trolls.
Oh God.
He let out a incredulous laugh and started laughing, with hands covering his eyes. It can’t be true. He shranked. It couldn’t be true. The sound he heard wasn’t caused by raccoons, right? Two trolls caused that sound. Blinky and Aaarrrgghh. They were in his house.
And that meant he had to meet them again. You have to be kidding me.
He would have to be trained by them one more time. He would get closer to them. They would be his friends. His allies. His family. And he would have to lose them once more. I can’t believe it. After everything he went through, why fate couldn’t be on his side not even one single time?
He got up from the bed and went down the stairs to go to the basement. Like the first time, he heard the light bulb exploding behind him and he mentally prepared himself to see the trolls. He almost cried when he saw Toby, Strickler and his friends. Seeing Blinky and Aaarrrgghh would probably cause the same reaction.
“Master Jim!”
“I have cherished every moment with you”
“I could not be prouder of you if you were my own son”
Damn it. He thought when his eyes filled with tears. He wanted to cover his face so Blinky and Aaarrrghh wouldn't see him like that but they would certainly suspect if he looked at them with sadness instead of fear. So he screamed, hoping the trolls would believe he really was scared instead of thinking he was faking it.
“Master Jim! We have found you! I am known as Blinky”
Jim stepped back until he hit Aaarrrghh’s leg.
“Hi” said Aaarrrghh behind him, waving a hand.
Jim screamed again.
“It’s Aaarrrghh. Three Rs”
He got away from them, leaned against the wall and raised his hands so that they wouldn’t get closer to him.
“What… what are you?” he asked in a shaking voice.
“We are trolls” Blinky said with a smile “And you, master Jim, are the trollhunter”
“Trolls?” his voice trembled. He didn’t know if it was for the lump in his throat or for other reason.
“Trolls. Yes, trolls. Unbeknownst to your kind, there is a secret world, a vast civilization of trolls lurking beneath your very feet, hidden from view. And it is now your charge to protect them. For you, Master Jim, are the Trollhunter”
“Trollhunter” repeated Aaarrrgghh.
Jim blinked and prayed his tears wouldn’t fall. Why did it hurt so much to see them there, in his house, looking at him with no recognition? Last time he saw them they were looking at him with love. With pride, like two parents looking at their son. But there wasn’t any similar emotion in their faces at that moment.
“This honor is yours to accept. So, what say you?”
Last time he fainted after hearing those words. He couldn’t believe something like that could be true. Trolls? The mythical creatures being not only real but also living under his city? Being the chosen one? The one who had to protect human and troll’s world? That was enough to made him fall unconscious to the ground. It was a shock. He wasn’t going to accept what they were saying like it was a normal day.
That time, after everything he saw throughout the first timeline and the other different timelines, he couldn’t do other thing but believe in them.
“I…”
He felt his legs trembling and he couldn’t react before falling into the ground unconscious.
* * *
“Damn it”
He woke up two hours later in his basement and covered his eyes. He wasn’t shocked for seeing the trolls nor hearing their words, so why did he fainted again? It doesn’t make any sense. He sighed. Was it because what he said to Strickler was more true than what he thought at first? He was tired, yes, but that was enough to make him fall unconscious? He didn’t think his fatigue could affect him that much.
He got up and took his phone. He opened the contact list and scrolled down to the letter T, but before pressing Toby's name he thought of what he was doing and quickly pressed the exit button. He didn’t want to talk with him. It was better if he stayed away. Toby would get confused and ask him why he didn’t talk to him but if he ignored him and avoided him maybe he would hate him and he wouldn’t get closer to him again. Then he wouldn’t have to worry about keeping him safe. If he didn't know the Troll’s world he wouldn't be in danger. Furthermore if he stopped being his friend, in case Strickler, Nomura or any other changeling discovered he was the trollhunter, they wouldn’t go after him. If he hadn’t friends, no one could manipulate him with those friends, right?
He sighed. It would be easier if Strickler didn’t know he is my friend. If Strickler discovered he was the trollhunter, he would manipulate him with his “adorable little friend”. Then he would know about the troll’s world. Then he would suffer again because of me. Even if Strickler didn’t use his friend to make him open the Killahead bridge, he would certainly use his mother, Aaarrrgghh or Blinky. He let out a broken laugh and hugged himself. He really was only capable ruining the life of those around him.
Just for being chosen.
He squeezed the amulet. That destroyed his life. He wanted to live an adventure, but not in that way. Finding that amulet in the canal didn’t make his life more interesting. More exciting. Being the trollhunter made his life a living hell. He once wished there was something else in life apart from high school. Saying that was a mistake. If only he didn’t tell Toby those words, maybe he wouldn’t be broken inside. He only wanted to be a normal kid again. He wanted to worry about making new friends and studying for the exams. He didn’t want to become the chosen one.
He didn’t want to suffer so much because of the amulet.