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“OK I think we’re far enough away now!,” Frenchie shouted out to the Crew of the new Revenge and he waited until all of them were standing in front of him before he continued,
“That was fantastic work everyone,” he smiled as he looked at Wee John, “The bed sheet idea was truly inspired .”
The larger man gave his Captain a slight nod. Thank you. We needed to come up with something on account of the height difference-”
“True.”
“The fact one of them’s blonde.”
“Also true.”
And one of them’s down a nose, and the other leg.”
Frenchie nodded, “All valid points,” he smiled at Jim's girlfriend, “Thank you Archie for fixing the leg situation by the way,”
His eyes flicked to Jim, “Oh and of course I also want to give kudos to Jim for dispensing justice for our Izzy.”
Jim tightened their grip as they looked down at the blade they’d used to throw straight into Ricky’s eye as he’d tried (and failed) to get away from them, that's what you get when you look back as you're running away. There was no way he stood a chance, Jim knew how and where to hide so they couldn't be seen. They knew the right time to strike, “That pendejo had to pay for what he did to our Unicorn.”
All the Crew took a moment. It had shaken all of them when he’d been killed but none so much as those who’d been part of the Crew when Blackbeard had been at his worst; heartbroken, reckless and self destructive and Izzy had taken the feral thing he’d become, down. He’d saved them, even being one leg down didn’t stop him and for that they would forever be grateful.
Frenchie gave everyone a bit of time with their thoughts before he clapped his hands together, “Right, who’s gonna help me bring up Izzy from the below deck?”
The Crew would have preferred to put Izzy where he belonged, the Captain’s Quarters but Stede had to get his things out of his room so of course they couldn’t leave their figurehead in plain view as their then Captain and his boyfriend packed up their belongings.
*****
Frenchie and Fang laid Izzy’s body reverently on the deck in front of everyone.
Frenchie sighed as he looked up from the body, “I thought the gig was up when I said you voted me Captain. I know fuck all about Captaining.”
Lucius, as always, didn't hold back his verbal punches with-, “You are incredibly shit under pressure.”
Frenchie was insulted… even though there might be a smidge of truth to it, “Now come on! That’s a bit harsh isn’t it?”
“All boys are shit under pressure,” Auntie said as she triple checked the incantation to summon the Sea Witch on the piece of parchment she held, “now do you want this man resurrected or not?”
Before any of the others answered, Roach, who’d been sceptical of this hair-brained scheme from the beginning couldn’t help but ask, “Are we certain he didn't just kill Buttons and dump his body somewhere. I mean-traumatic brain injury and Buttons-well he was… Buttons .”
Auntie arched an eyebrow at the sceptic, “No mere mortal could kill a Sea Witch that powerful.”
“ Oook .”
Lucius side eyed Roach, “So your sceptical about this even after multiple ship related injuries such as broken backs, being impaled on swords, being shot in the leg, then having it amputated, a severe peanut allergy and someone , yes me, being chucked overboard and all of us surviving said injuries and you don’t want to believe that Buttons turned himself into a bird?”
“Not necessarily, I’m just saying that I need proof.”
“Fair.”
“ Guys! Come on let the lady work her magic!?”
Both Roach and Lucius held their hands up to Frenchie,
“Thank you.”
He knew Roach wouldn’t get this but he hoped Lucius in some way might, how he’d had the hope of something more with Black Pete and it had been ripped from him thanks to Blackbeard.
I mean in this case it had been Ricky but still…him and Izzy had grown close whilst under Blackbeard’s Crew, drawn to each other through their joint trauma. It had led to snatched moments of cuddling and quickies but it’s all they could manage given the circumstances…
Then Stede had come back and him and Blackbeard had got back together and there were hints they might move away from Pirating, then as First Mate, Izzy could ascend to where he truly belonged and they could truly explore a deeper relationship than the one they’d had.
This had to work. Stede and Blackbeard. Lucius and Black Pete. Jim and Archie. Zheng and Olu. Spanish Jackie and the Swede…they all got their happy endings, it was time him and Izzy got theirs.
“OK,” Auntie started, “here we go:
Ka karanga matou ki a Te Kuini kia karangahia e ia tetahi o ana akonga tino pono, Buttons,
kia whakahokia mai e ia te kaipahua kino Izzy Hands ki nga tangata e tino aroha ana, e manaaki ana i a ia. ”
Once the incantation was done some of the Crew looked to the skies while some looked across the sea no matter their level of scepticism on this particular endeavour, for a bird… any bird.
The skies were clear, of both clouds and birds until…
“Babe? What's that?”
Lucius squinted at where his husband pointed and there was a sort of black dot, a dot that looked like it was getting bigger, “Guys, I think Pete's seen something.”
The whole crew rushed to the port of the ship to see what was now clearly a Seagull, as it flew closer to the ship.
It circled the Crow's Nest and then seemed to dive towards Izzy's body before it landed on the man's chest.
Any momentary panic about pecked eyeballs or bird related injuries to him was forgotten as the bird seemed to stare down at Izzy…and stare…and stare.
“OK,” Roach conceded, “that's proof enough for me, i’m still not sure about the bringing Izzy back from the dead-”
“Oi! Fuck off!”
The man laid on the floor swiped hard at whatever the fuck was on his chest, which gave a squawk, and the weight instantly lifted off his chest. He groaned as his eyes fluttered open, “-the fuck happened? Wasn’t I dead?”
“Well you see uh…,” Frenchie rubbed the back of his neck, “we umm…”
Auntie rolled her eyes at the incompetence of the male sex before she said, “Yes. You were, but your crew decided they wanted you back so here we are.”
“Oh they did, did they? And how the fuck they manage that then?”
“I can't believe I'm saying this…but Buttons.”
Izzy's eyes narrowed as he turned his head towards Roach, “Buttons?”
“Well it turns out that Blackbeard was telling the truth when he said that the man had turned himself into a bird and what with Auntie saying he was also a Sea Witch-”
“Sea Witch?,” Izzy closed his eyes for a moment. He was too old and cynical for this shit.
“Yes,” Auntie added, “one of the most powerful ones I've ever seen. That thing you swiped off your chest? That was him.”
He raised his left hand and rubbed the centre of his forehead. He was pretty sure he was getting a headache, a great fucking start to apparently being fucking brought back from the dead.
The Former First Mate of The Revenge pushed himself up into a sitting position with his hands and realised one very important fact, “Where the fuck’s my fucking leg?!”
This wasn’t exactly the start Frenchie or the others had wanted but beggars couldn’t be choosers as they said, “You see…about that, Blackbeard kind of made it into an improvised cross for your grave-”
Izzy huffed, “Course he fucking did…sentimental twat.” He hated this, he’d managed to pull back some of his independence with the unicorn leg but now with it gone…
Before he could ask whether they could put together an improvised crutch or something Fang brought something that looked really fucking familiar.
“We got it made when we were buying stuff for Calypso’s Birthday. We were gonna give it to you after our stay at The Republic of Pirates but…”
Fang held out a wooden unicorn leg that looked almost identical to the one the Crew had made for him and Izzy took it,
“Ed, Stede and the fucking British happened.”
Frenchie nodded, “Pretty much.”
It didn’t take long for Izzy to fit the leg to his stump, somehow even without the previous fake limb they’d managed to get the measurements down and it was just that little bit more comfortable than the former one. The real test would be standing on it though,
He waited…and waited…,
“Could someone help me the fuck up please!”
Frenchie rushed to his right side while Fang rushed to his left, each putting an arm under each armpit.
Izzy bent his right leg and pushed up on it as the other two pulled him up onto his foot and hoof.
He waited a moment to make sure he was steady before he looked at both men in turn and gave them a quick nod, “Thanks.”
Both Fang and Frenchie let go of him and they all just stood around.
“OK, now I’m up, I have to ask, if I’m here, who the fuck’s in my grave? And how the hell did you pull one over on Eddie?”
“A bed sheet.”
Izzy looked sceptical at Wee John. He knew that sometimes Eddie wasn’t the brightest spark but still-
“Yes…,” Frenchie added, “and I mean obviously we didn’t just do that. We made sure him and Stede were out of the way. Said we wanted to pay our own respects before we buried you, then wrapped “you” up in the bedsheet before we carried you out.
Luckily we managed to get his leg off in good time and there was nothing to give away that it was a uh… recent removal.”
Izzy tried…and probably bloody failed keeping the smile off his face at the sentiment, “Yep…that sounds… believable .
Again though, who the fuck’s in my grave cause as we’ve established already, it wasn’t fucking me!”
Jim looked briefly down at their knife before they looked at Izzy, “Ricky. He tried to get away, but I got him with this ,” they held up their knife, “right in the eye. The pendejo should have got way worse, but after speaking to Aunty and coming up with the plan…a swift death was the better option.”
Izzy huffed, “So the stuck up cunt’s gone then.” What the fuck now then? Vengeance had been taken out of his hands, Eddy and Stede had their happily ever after…
But with Stede gone-, “Who the fuck’s the Captain now?” If he’d been alive then as First Mate, it’d have been him, but with him “dead”…?
Frenchie grinned as he puffed out his chest, “That would be me.”
“You’re fucking joking right?”
Frenchie's eyebrows furrowed at his lover's and hopefully future boyfriend’s insult, “Thanks for the vote of confidence Babe.”
Izzy shrugged, “What? We both know you’d be shit at it.”
He looked away from him and around the Crew for the person he'd assumed because of their Alpha energy would've taken up the position of Captain in his absence, “Zheng… why ?”
“I know , right?,” the former Pirate Queen's self assuredness, bordering on, if he was honest, justified arrogance, poured off of her, even as she cuddled up to Olu on a crate nearby, “I would've been the better choice wouldn't I? But then Frenchie happened and well…the two lovestruck idiots fell for it, so I graciously stepped aside.”
It made a weird amount of sense. They were love struck idiots pining for each other when Stede had fucked off and they were love struck idiots when they reunited…twice. Twats.
“Are you at least his First Mate?”
She shook her head, “There is no First Mate. Well …not yet anyway.”
Well apparently the whole entire structure of The Revenge had gone to shit after he got shot. You always had a First Mate in case your Captain was killed…or tried to kill you. Unless…, “Me?,” it would be better if he was under a more competent Captain but-
Frenchie shook his head, “No.”
Izzy growled. He'd reached the end of his fucking tether. This Crew wasn't the most skilled he'd worked with (with a couple of exceptions), but this was a pretty fucking bas-
“The Crew and I were waiting for you to come back before we made the decision, considering you'd have the deciding vote.”
He rolled his eyes at Frenchie before he realised the implications of what was being hinted at, “ Oh .”
There’d been a time when the Crew wouldn't have hesitated chucking him overboard, but then he and Stede had fucked with Ed’s head, intentionally in his case, and that had fucking backfired, lost his leg because of it.
He'd made amends though, dragged himself across the floor, through the bowels of the fucking ship looking for gunpowder and lead round balls, got to the upper deck and saved the Crew from the broken man Eddie had become, even if it meant shooting the only man he'd ever loved.
He didn't do it for praise or recognition, Blackbeard's reign of terror needed to be ended. No one else needed to die at his hands.
But for reasoned he still couldn't fucking fathom the twats had decided they respected him… trusted him, same as the others, when, by, if he was a religious man, he would've said miracle, all the Crew had been reunited.
Even banded together made him a leg, made him, “the new unicorn…,” so was it that much of a stretch that they wanted this?
Did he want this?
“Jim.”
The Crew member who was standing next to their girlfriend, arched an eyebrow at Izzy, “Yeah?”
“You're First Mate.”
A smile grew across their lips as they nodded once, “Thank you…Captain.”
“Right,” Frenchie clapped his hands together, “now that's sorted, if it so pleases the new Captain, I nicked some of Stede's smellies from his “secret stash” when he wasn't looking. Won't take me long to get a nice bath ready, so you can, you know ummm…”
Izzy managed to hold back the laugh he wanted to let out at the awkwardness Frenchie showed, but he decided to show him a little bit of mercy, “wash the dead off me?”
The rest of the Crew either paled or decided that their feet were the most important things at that moment in time. Izzy sighed, they’d obviously had to keep him in the clothes he’d died in, so it’d be good to wash the blood off and see whether whatever fucked up voodoo shit had happened on him, had left a scar or not.
“Fresh clothes?” He’d put the stuff he had back on if he needed, he’d had to do it fuck knew how many times but-
“We got you sorted Captain,” Jim interrupted.
Izzy could say something about not being interrupted, but he’d let them off...just this once.
“Good. Jim, you’re in charge while I get… cleaned up .”
“Oh, we've got one more question but I suppose it can wait until you-”
“Out with it.”
“Are we uh…gonna tell Ed and Stede about the...cause we can turn back…,” Jim looked awkward, which was pretty rare for them.
Izzy decided to put them out of their misery quickly, “Let's give them some time.”
Ed and Bonnet had both fucked up, broke each other's fucking hearts, but they'd finally…FINALLY got their heads out their arses and decided to fully commit to their relationship. They could give ‘em some time before they let them know. Although…, he smiled, “we’ll wait ‘til the wedding. It'll be our gift them,” they'd probably be happy with the news after what he was sure would be some really fucking funny reactions from them.
It might be slightly insensitive (he'd gotten better ...kind of, over the last few months), but fuck it. He'd be forgiven.
He clapped his hands together, “Now…I think it's time to freshen up. Frenchie. Let's go.”
*****
It took two months for the invite to the Crew. To be honest Izzy thought it would have been quicker, but that was the thing with Eddie and Bonnet, they never really did what you thought they should and would do.
He adjusted the red pocket square in his leather waist coats for the upteenth time, as he looked at himself in the full length mirror in his and his boyfriend’s quarters, “How’d I look?”
Frenchie smiled softly at him from the mirror, “Perfect Babe.”
Izzy scoffed, “You always say that.”
Because it's always true.”
The Captain of The Revenge didn’t want to blush but his face had other ideas, “Oh fuck off.”
He’d managed to find an almost replica outfit from what he’d worn at Calypso’s Birthday, all the way down to the chain that……..he’d put a bit of rouge on his lips, but he’d left it off his cheeks and the golden glitter from around his eyes. His boyfriend had said it was probably a good idea. Didn’t want to upstage the Grooms. Fucking sap.
There was a knock on the door and a moment later it opened and Jim walked in, “We’re here.”
The trio smiled at each before Izzy turned to his boyfriend, “Frenchie…you know what to do.”
*****
“What do you mean you’re not Captain anymore! I had a jacket made especially for the occasion!?”
Course Bonnet bloody had a coat made for the person that was supposed to marry them!
Izzy had to cover his mouth to make sure he didn’t crack up as he looked through the small gap he’d left himself in the door that looked out onto the deck. And his boyfriend and the two other former Captains of The Revenge.
“Well, see, I was just… filling in , until the present Captain was ready to take on the position. Oh, and if the jacket’s still available I am more than happy to take it off your hands.”
“Forget the jacket, Frenchie! Who the hell’s going to marry me and Ed!?”
The Former Gentleman Pirate looked like….with his confused future husband putting a comforting hand on his shoulder.
It was probably more fun than it should've been to torment the Former Captain, especially when he’d started to like him before the Minor Prince decided to shoot him.
Izzy sighed as he smoothed out any imaginary wrinkles on his outfit. It was time to put him and Eddie out of their misery,
He pushed the door open and stepped out onto the Deck, “I am Bonnet.”
There were two things Izzy learned pretty quickly, although one he could’ve probably guessed; When Bonnet shrieked, he could reach a pitch that shouldn’t be fucking possible for a human let alone a man and, even when Ed was overwhelmed he still had the sense to catch his partner as he fainted, and lay him gently on the floor.
“Izzy?”
The voice was so quiet from the man, it trembled as Ed came toward him, faster with each step as he drew closer to him,
“ Izzy ,”
The infamous former Pirate turned Innkeeper threw his arms around him and squeezed him so tight it was almost like all the air was going to be pushed out his lungs, “Yeah…it’s me Eddie.”
Izzy patted him on the back a few times, then just held him, not saying a word, as he felt the shoulder of his shirt grow wet. He knew how unhealthy it was to keep feelings in, had done it for years and knew how much it better it was to let ‘em all out, fuck everybody else.
Frenchie signalled to him from behind Ed that he was going to leave the ship and Izzy gave a little nod in acknowledgment so’s not to disturb Eddie.
Eventually Ed started to pull away so Izzy, sniffing as he wiped his eyes with the back of his hands, “You’re real right? I’m not-your not a figment of my imagination and-”
Ed’s eyes lit up in the way he got when he came up with one of his stupid ideas and it filled him with dread.
“Hit me.”
There it was.
“I’m not going to hit you.”
“Hit me!?”
Izzy shook his head, “I’m not gonna hit you Eddie.”
“Do it! How am I supposed to know you’re real if I don’t-”
“Ed…we hugged , isn’t that enough?”
The Former Blackbeard tilted his head slightly to the right, “Huh, Izzy Hands, backing down from a challenge. Never thought I’d see the day.”
Izzy knew what he was doing, trying to wind him up, and he wouldn’t let it go, not Eddie. He growled, nodding once.
But just as he was about to do the deed, Ed put his hands up, “ Wait. Not the face Stede’ll fucking kill me. He got a painter especially.
Classic Bonnet.
“Got it.”
Fuck his resurrected life. He didn’t give the daft twat a warning before he punched him hard in the stomach, just like he had with his idiot fiancé all those months ago.
Ed had better experience taking punches, although he’d got less as the time went on, but he still wheezed, bent over as he clutched his stomach.
“ Right , now that’s done, can we go get some smelling salts for your husband to be over there?,” he pointed his thumb towards the still form of Stede who lay on the deck.
“ Shit! ,” he winced as he looked at the prone form of his fiancé.
“ Archie! ”
Izzy heard the rapid thunk as he heard someone run up the gangway followed by the quirky pirate herself, “Yes Boss,” she panted.
“Help Eddie here bring Stede back to the Inn. They’ve got a wedding to prepare for.”
*****
“…Do you vow to keep each other's ships afloat?”
“I do.”
“Abso- fucking- lutely!”
“You are now officially Mateys. I’m gonna skip the, “slash each others’ faces,” part cause I doubt Stede would want his face slashed and Eddie here would rather cut his own fucking hands off then hurt him, so you can seal your vows with a kiss instead.”
Did they do what he said though? Course they fucking didn’t. They just looked at each other like a bunch of love struck fucking idiots.
“Well go on , kiss him Eddie ! I’m not gonna fucking do it for you!”
That seemed to snap them both out of it and Ed, who wore copper breeches and waistcoat over a white shirt, grabbed him by the front of his now husband’s white waistcoat, that matched the rest of his outfit, all the way down to his shoes, and pulled him in for a passionate kiss that left the Crew cheering and clapping.
*****
“I mean it wasn’t as colourful as the fireworks Roach set off for Calypso’s Birthday but-”
“It was a thing of beauty the way all those ships went up,” Roach interrupted Wee John, his eyes lit up just like the larger man’s, “but they got what they deserved after the shit they pulled on our Captain.”
Really it was a win win for him going after the British Navy. The Crew (and him) got vengeance, a couple of them got their desires fulfilled and they were more eager to do their jobs with minimal fuss after.
Added bonus was that Roach liked to bake sweet treats to celebrate each time they sank a naval ship. Talking of sweet treats, Roach had made a great forty glaze, single tier (some of the Crew still got triggered off anything taller than one) orange cake for the wedding, which they’d all enjoyed a generous slice (or slices) of.
Earlier that day Izzy had, “convinced” both the would be husbands (Bonnet) that the 3 course poncy meal Roach had made for the wedding party was more than enough for them and the Crew then the 20 course one they’d, “kindly requested” in the invitation.
The multicoloured lanterns lit up the night sky from where they were stung from The Revenge and bright coloured flowers that he had no fucking idea what they were called (but he was sure Bonnet did) stuck here, there and everywhere. It looked pretty much the same as the night they’d thrown the big bash for Calypso's birthday, apart from the torture of course. And he and not Bonnet was Captain. And he’d agreed to sing another song, “At Last”, where the husbands held each other close as they slow danced along the deck.
He was just about to throw in another, no one could say that Captain Hands couldn’t be generous…sometimes…if he felt like it…but he was nudged on the shoulder by the arm of someone that showed him that not all love had to be toxic and fuck with your head.
“Come on.”
He turned his head slightly to the left and up to see Frenchie smiling back at him, “Fuck off…I don’t dance.” It was a lie. The truth was he was embarrassed about what he’d look like with his real leg and his fake one.
“One dance Babe. We’ll take it slow and then you can do whatever the fuck you want after.”
His boyfriend didn’t look like he was going to drop it and he could say no but…he huffed, “ Fine . But one . I don’t want you changing your fucking mind when it’s over.
Archie! ”
“ Yes Boss! ” she called back from where she was enjoying some sort of froofy fucking cocktail that Frenchie had put together in one of the three bathtubs (one for the Crew, one for him and one for mixing drinks-all stolen), with Jim by her side over on the starboard side.
“You’re taking over the music for a bit. Make sure the first one’s a slow one.”
“On it!,” he saw her pick up something to the right side of her which he assumed was her flute. It was something she’d kept from her time in the Snake Cult (apparently) and she’d managed to keep it hidden from Ed during his Blackbeard phase Post-Stede (and there’d be no more “Post-Stede” if he had anything to fucking do with it, even if it meant sailing back over to their Inn and kicking both their fucking arses), and when she'd found out that Izzy appreciated a good song, well…she wasn't half bad. Not as good as Frenchie…not that he was biased or anything and any twat who thought that could fuck right off.
By the time he and Frenchie got to the centre of the deck Archie had started playing a slow soft tune. Izzy looped his arms around his boyfriend's neck as he placed his hands gently on his hips as they moved to the music.
His eyes flicked to the married couple who, of course only had eyes for each other.
The Captain could hear laughing and his Crew enjoying the evening to the fullest and he let himself smile.
He might not have seen any of this if the Crew hadn't been so fucking stubborn
Not that he'd ever tell them, but he'd always be grateful that they'd decided that Death couldn't keep their new unicorn.