Chapter Text
Genya was happy, so damn happy and giddy about the award that was gonna be announced today. They were announcing who won the shooting tournament today and of course he was confident about it; he was gonna win that damn certificate and frame it then finally hang it in their wall. At last he'll finally have something to show his brother, the biggest achievement. Sanemi would watch him in awe and actually acknowledge his efforts in trying his best!
“Shinazugawa Genya! Our shooting club's ace, the one and only!” Everyone had clapped for him including the club leader who always supported him, his smile was the brightest in the whole room and he walked up that stage almost jumping around when he finally got his hands on the certificate. He looked at everyone, but everyone's smile fell when they had seen Sanemi; walking unusually very fast as he got towards to Genya, the younger boy was about to say something when Sanemi suddenly grabbed the certificate.
Sanemi was ripping the certificate into pieces as Tengen, one of the teachers who was watching the awarding almost climbed up there and killed Sanemi on stage. He was fortunately held back by Giyuu and some other senior students. "Who the fuck cares about this shit? Learn your damn math!" The whole room was very quiet while Sanemi's voice echoed as other people started to murmur, Genya hadn't flinched so much at a loud voice; not ever since the day Kyogo died and nobody else had the guts to yell at him besides Sanemi anyway. He didn't know why but he felt like he was shivering, was he? The spokesperson looked at him with so much worry as they put the mic back in its stand, gently touching him in the shoulder as he pulled away. Sanemi just glared at him and got off the stage, stomping off as a lot of student stared at him as he left.
Genya just nods a bit shakily, insisting that he's alright as he takes the pieces of his certificate off the wooden floor; even the spokesperson tried helping him but he just didn't really need any fuckin' help right now, he was either pissed or just too numb to even feel anything. “I'm sorry for making this event an embarrassment.” He bowed respectfully to the spokesperson as they just sighed and gave him a bow in return, the whole room empties out when he was also gone. They felt pity for him, Genya simply just walked and walked; the pieces of his certificate was in his pocket.
He doesn't even notice the rain already dropping when he feels his hair drip wet, now giving him his wet bangs; he felt unable to cry and he didn't know why, everything he did was for him, for his Aniki. Everything he did wasn't enough, he couldn't blame it on Sanemi anymore despite going against him all the way and secretly still associating with his club despite his brother's arguments of him needing to quit the useless club and join the book club instead or at least any clubs that wasn't useless since school was for school related shit only. His uniform felt uncomfortable but he couldn't care less, all he had to do right now was just get his bag in the classroom and go home.
The dried tears clung to his face as he wiped it away with his forearm, when he got inside of the building almost everyone in the hallways stared at him with pity. Sympathizing about what happened to him on stage and everyone knew he didn't deserve that despite looking very intimidating, he never did anything to them. Tanjirou saw him along with Zenitsu– and Inosuke. “Oh hey, he's here, Tanjirou..” Zenitsu said as Inosuke intensely stared at Genya, Tanjirou simply sighed and smiled a little as he grabbed Genya's shoulder gently; catching the boy off guard as he glared at who touched him. “The hell?!–” Inosuke who just smacked Tanjirou's hand in return as the Kamado boy stared at his friend in surprise. “What was that for, Inosuke!”
“This guy's pretty angry like an Volcano, he's gonna erupt. I know!” As Inosuke shamelessly just points his thumb to Genya who seemed like he was already seething from anger, Hashibira stared at him deadpanned and Genya couldn't care less at all; he didn't want to take any longer with them as he just gave them no response, leaving Tanjirou wanting to chase him but Inosuke and Zenitsu holds him back. They just hoped for the best for the poor Shinazugawa kid, Genya didn't deserve that kind of treatment; especially from someone like Sanemi-Sensei.
Genya was needless to say, quiet. It wasn't unusual since most people knew he kept to himself, had very few friends which were mostly his club members or from another class; that was never weird, seriously. But ever since the shooting clubs' award every student on the school somehow approached me him more than usual, he didn't mind the attention; that wasn't what he minded, it was the look on their eyes; they'd look at Genya's and think that he's about to break or something if they ever mention something about what happened. They think he's a pathetic, weakling, useless and good for nothing student that just got something he deserved for not being able to fit in.
There was nothing else that Genya could do anymore, he has to drop everything to focus on his studies; drop the shooting club, drop the friend hangouts, drop the conversations about having a good aim, has to drop everything else he's happy with to make his aniki proud. He has to.
He kept studying all of the homework he's been given, especially history class; he'd always ace every test because Rengoku-Sensei was never bad at teaching and in fact, he enjoyed the man's class but lately he couldn't even keep himself motivated or that happy. When he tried smiling it was strained, despite pretending he's got everything it all led to one thing or another.
“An eighty-eight on your history test! You've done very great, my boy!” Rengoku exclaimed as he ruffled and pat Genya's hear then put the boy's test paper on his wooden desk, Genya could only look down as he held the paper with both of his hands; clutching it a bit as he frowned at the score. Tanjirou glanced at Genya as he saw the look on the boy's face, all he could do was stay silent and give Genya some space; he had hid own fair share of bad days, but he knew what Genya experienced was humiliating, it was gonna be difficult to recover from that.
Genya stays cooped up on his room, wraps himself in the blankets despite how much cold it feels; it was supposed to be warmth he's feeling but he could barely feel it at all, he doesn't even notice Sanemi's voice calling out for him and knocking on his door. “Oi, dinner's ready. Eat when you're done doing whatever shit you're doing inside there.” Genya just stares at the door, letting the time pass by as he closes his eyes; he feels the tears streaming down in his face as he shifts to the side. He doesn't care how loud his sobs are anymore as he cried and cried, his chest feels tight and he felt the grip on his neck as if someone were choking him.
He struggles to breathe, he finally breaks down after a whole week since the accident; he sits up and hugs himself tightly. As if it's gonna save himself from all the pain he's endured, his mom wasn't here nor was his little siblings to run up to him and comfort him; even Sanemi didn't dare to hug him ever since. God, he felt like shit. Everything was shit, his life was shit; and now he can't even breathe like a normal person. Ever since he's been having panic attacks when he was a kid, it never occured to him what was the source of it. When Sanemi and his mom insisted that they'd take him to the therapist, perhaps get an official diagnosis but Genya pushed his own answer instead.
“I'm just getting nightmares because of him.” He had said back then, by Him; he meant Kyogo and Shizu couldn't really argue back anymore as well as Sanemi, they took it very seriously but if Genya didn't want to talk then they couldn't do anything; they weren't the ones in Genya's shoes. But in all honesty, it wasn't just the fact that Genya's panic attacks had gotten very badly; he never told about the time he was experiencing an episode that one of his classmates with asthma had to lend him their inhaler that time. He had never felt so relieved from the pain and stress since then.
He hears Sanemi's footsteps stop right in front of his door as he shakily breathes and he coughs heavily, snot dripping and eyes filled to the brim. It slowly falls again, the last tear falls and he just stares at his own door; he rests his head on the cold wall and it stays there, his heart stammering and he blinks his eyes, steadily, and slowly. Sanemi knocks on his door again. “Listen, we can talk about your certificate right now if you want. Stop avoiding me, you're sixteen years old.”
Sanemi was right, he was sixteen now and when Sanemi was also sixteen years old; he had grown up to be a tall child. Sanemi grew up faster than him, matured faster than him; knew how cruel and tough the world was out there, scraping money to barely get by. So he gets up, doesn't even notice how messed up he looks, doesn't notice the fact that Sanemi probably couldn't hear his own brother suffer a whole moment of panic attack and did not get to help him like he always does. And he opens the door; Sanemi's eyes widened when he sees the state Genya is in. God, please, what happened to my brother? He hopelessly asked, but all that Genya can give right now was his own time to Sanemi; and Sanemi won't waste it.
“Let's talk in the dining table, and clean yourself up.” Sanemi's tone didn't change and Genya just nodded, agreeing to his order but his voice comes out cracked; hoarse and hush. But Genya can't help the fact that the rise of panic bubble up on his stomach again, he leaves to go to the bathroom while Sanemi waits for him; and he closes the door shut behind him when suddenly the bile rise up to his throat and he vomits in the sink. A few tears slip up as he looked at himself in the mirror, he touches his face and he feels cold; numb, and pale. He washes his face first then his mouth as he wipes himself with the washcloth, nothing much changed; he still looked horrible.
Bags under his eyes, has he been sleeping well ? He noticed that he looks quite malnourished, unusual for someone like him when he was basically Kyogo's twin at some point. One more thing was Genya couldn't keep up more with the time because majority of it has been spent on studying, just studying and school works if not school works then homeworks and very few house chores when Sanemi isn't back home yet.
He gets out of the bathroom and walks back to the dining room, Sanemi plays around with his chopsticks and Genya forgets again; he still hasn't eaten dinner so that's why Sanemi had also brought out the heated food once again. Just how long did it take him to be out in his room and eat like this with Sanemi again ? He asked himself; but his aniki just stared at him, the chopsticks he was playing with is passed to Genya's hands. “Eat at least a little before we start, you little brat.” Genya can't help but smile gently, so he eats.
Once his meal is finished he drinks the cup of water that was prepared for him by Sanemi as his brother stayed quiet the whole time, just watching him eat and noticing that he had some left overs left on some of the plates. Genya had never done that, not even once. “Oi oi, what the hell? You're not gonna finish this, is my cooking that shitty now?” Genya just blinked as if he had an late reaction but he picks up the plate and takes a bite of one of the tempura, chewing slowly. “Genya, that's enough.” The younger doesn't listen, he even takes the last bowl of rice and Sanemi's veins pop on his face and neck again as he stands up.
“Genya! That's fuckin' enough, don't force yourself!” And he grabs the boy's wrist, finally snapping the boy as the chopsticks drop back to the table. The voice loud enough to make the boy stare at him with wide eyes, god, he wanted to just blind Genya to stop him from staring at him like that; like the way he used to stare at Kyogo. As if Kyogo was in this room with them. “What the fuck is wrong with you.” He stares at him so angrily, Sanemi doesn't know what he's doing wrong when he practically raised Genya till now; his own brother won't even try and talk about what's been going on since the day he ripped that certificate.
He couldn't apologize for it, he felt ashamed. He destroyed his brother's happiness but he didn't want Genya to throw away his future for nothing besides that 'happiness'; because clearly the boy doesn't know that happiness never lasts long than he could ever wish for. A weak hoarse laugh comes out of Genya's laugh as he just gently laughs, Sanemi stays dead silent while Genya is just looking down at his lap; then he looks back up to his aniki's eyes; even Sanemi looked at him the same way his other classmates and some students did, he hated that fucking stare.
"Please stop, don't look at me that way. Don't– god, i hate it. Just stop i beg of you, i promise I'll be better. I promise, just please; spare me from this goddamn moment, just this time– please, oh god.” His mind screams for him to beg and save the humiliation for next time instead when he can take it, he begs as if god wants to take away everything he loves; screams it out to defend himself yet he can never say any of those words in his brother's face.
“I give up, Nemi.” He closes his eyes, and opens it again just to see Sanemi's veins popping on his neck and cheek; he doesn't even bother to try and explain what he's given up on, doesn't try to sooth his brother's nerves even at this moment; Genya, has just given up. Whether it's his integrity or gratitude to his brother, Sanemi couldn't care any less as he grabs Genya on the wrist; catching the sixteen-year old boy off guard. Sanemi wasn't backing down without a goddamn explanation on Genya's behalf; “Just what the hell have you been up to, you little fuck?!"
Genya looked at Sanemi, clear hatred in his eyes as the tears glistening sparked at Sanemi's wild one's; Sanemi looked at his brother with fear, confusion and anger, just why the hell was Genya acting up now? He promised Genya he'd talk about the certificate right now, but clearly the whole bullshit he's planned wasn't working. “Look, all i wanna talk about is the day i ripped your certificate. It took me a while because you kept avoiding me, how else are we gonna fix something, huh?” His grip tightens on Genya as the younger boy pulled it away, Sanemi flinched as Genya gritted his teeth.
“You wanna talk about fixing this ? Aniki, you're the one who caused all this in the first place." Genya was so angry, why did it seem like Sanemi was putting all the blame on him ?! It wasn't his fault, was it ? Sanemi always said he knew better but his big brother was right here and it doesn't seem like he knows any better. Sanemi bares his teeth out as he snickered. “You're too closed off and I can't even get a hold of you, just what the hell are you expecting from me, a simple thank you because you didn't waste my precious time when really i've been waiting for you? !”
Sanemi breathes again before he speaks again. “You can't even look at me in the eyes whenever i try and talk to you, everytime i call you to the faculty room you don't even fuckin' bother to attend. So tell me, what part in throwing away your future away just because you won some certificate is so fucking hard for you to understand ?!” Both of them stay silent, as Genya just looks down on the floor; the clock is ticking and he just scoffs.
He looks up and stares at Sanemi, Genya's eyes are dead already and all he can provide is a simple glare. And Genya just shakes his head slowly, he's disappointed; Sanemi hasn't seen him disappointed ever, especially not at him, no matter what. And honestly, it hurts like a bitch because his brother is really fucking disappointed at him; him.
Genya just smiles, a smile that just resembles Kyogo's and it fucking itches on Sanemi's brain, and he can't even control it. Can't control the fact that he does see their shitty father on his own kind little brother, Genya was so far from being similar to Kyogo in terms of actions and personality. “This is on you, not me, you asshole.” Genya's eyes had widened, the pain on his cheek swells pretty fucking badly and when his fingers touch it; it's the same moment where the tears also fall and Sanemi is breathing heavily, he didn't expect his palm to even touch Genya right in the face.
“Genya–” And Genya already turns his back on him, walking towards his own room with a quick speed; he leaves Sanemi staring at the air now. Regret clawing up on him as his brother really just didn't want him anymore; he was more of Kyogo's true son than Genya now. He wanted to fucking cry and chase Genya back, take his Genya back, pamper and feed his brother; kiss his brother on the forehead and comfort him as if everything's fine. He wants to say sorry for breaking the certificate and for being a bad nii-chan.
He feels regretful.