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2024-06-13
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2024-08-05
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2/2
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In Which Merlin Gets To Go Off Like The King Deserves

Summary:

Merlin is terrified when he accidentally reveals his magic to Arthur and the knights. But apparently he doesn't have any reason to worry.

He does have a pretty good reason to be angry, though.

Notes:

It always annoys me in fics when people say 'oh I knew about the magic' to Merlin and that's that. Like.. this boy is traumatised and you could have helped him but just... didn't?? So I made him rant :)

Chapter 1

Notes:

(See the end of the chapter for notes.)

Chapter Text

Merlin stumbled backwards, hands still outstretched as the gold slowly faded from his eyes.

‘I - I can explain.’

His foot caught on one of the dead bandits and it was only Leon grabbing him gently by the elbows that stopped him falling backwards over it. Merlin flinched away from the soft touch, unable to recognise the gentleness in his fear.

‘I - it wasn’t what it looked like!’

‘What did it look like, Merlin?’

‘Um. Uhh… well, I mean…’

Gwaine jabbed his elbow into Arthur’s side. ‘Stop it, you’re scaring the poor thing.’

Arthur snorted. ‘I can’t see how, it’s not like he was very subtle. I thought he knew we knew.’

Merlin stared at them, faintly aware that his still outstretched hands - though now in a position of surrender rather than attack - were shaking.

‘What… What did I know?’

‘Apparently you didn’t, you fool, so you were being needlessly reckless. Honestly, do you have a death wish? Do you have any idea what would have happened had the wrong people found out?’

Merlin stared. ‘I- I don’t understand.’

‘We knew, Merlin.’ Percival smiled softly. Merlin blinked.

‘About the - the m… the mmm…’

‘The magic, Merls,’ Gwaine was looking more and more sympathetic as the conversation continued, and Merlin felt like his brain was exploding. ‘We knew about the magic.’

Elyan stepped forwards from where he’d been making sure each bandit was really dead. ‘We were hoping you’d tell us soon.’

For the first time in what felt like hours but could only have been a minute or so, Merlin felt the fear start to slowly drain away.

‘Well, why didn’t you tell me?

‘Why would we?’

Merlin stared. ‘Why… Why would you?!’

‘It’s personal.’ Arthur was starting to look slightly abashed, but he didn’t waver. ‘The sort of thing that you should have been able to tell us in your own time, when you felt ready. The choice shouldn’t have been taken from you, I’m sorry it happened like this.’

Merlin gaped.

‘Out of interest, would you have told us soon?’ Gwaine looked hopeful, and Merlin felt a hot surge of anger.

‘Would I have told you soon? No!’

The knights looked crestfallen but Merlin just couldn’t bring himself to feel bad. Everything he had done, been forced to do, all the lives that had been lost that he could have saved if only they’d known about his magic. Not just strangers, but people he knew, people he loved . Not to mention the extreme toll the secrecy and pressure had been taking on his mental and physical health. Merlin knew he’d been sinking into a deep, deep pit of depression but he hadn’t known how to stop it. He’d been hiding all his life but even so, he thrived on opening up to his friends, on talking his problems through. If only he’d been able to talk to someone…

Gaius tried to help, and Merlin appreciated the physician more than he could express, but the truth was that Merlin felt bad unloading all of his - very heavy - trauma on him when he’d already done so much for him, and also that he just didn’t understand. His magic was a choice, he didn’t know what it was like to have to hide such a fundamental piece of who you were for your whole life , he didn’t understand why Merlin complained so much about his ‘great destiny.’ He always told him the same thing - one day, people will appreciate you; one day, it will all be worth it - and expected that to be enough.

Well, it wasn’t enough. Nothing was enough. If he’d known they knew, he could be in such a good place right now…

It wasn’t fair.

‘Why not, Merls? We’re your friends!’

Merlin stared. He was doing a lot of that today.

‘Why did I not want to tell my friends - the King and his Knights of Camelot - about my very illegal, misunderstood, ‘you’ll-get-burned-at-the-stake-if-you-even-mention-sorcery-in-front-of-Uther’ magic? Oh, I don’t know. Could it possibly be because I didn’t want to get killed?!’

Far from having the intended effect, Arthur’s face hardened.

‘I am not my father. I would have thought, as my closest friend, you’d know that.’

Merlin had already opened his mouth to reply to the father comment, but at the last part he spluttered for several seconds.

‘Your closest friend? What?’

And Arthur suddenly seemed wrong-footed. He shifted uneasily, glancing sideways at the knights then back to Merlin. Surely he knew?

‘If I’m your closest friend, I’d hate to see how you treat your enemies!’

‘What’s that supposed to mean?!’

The knights’ gazes were bouncing between them now, and in a few hundred years Merlin might liken them to spectators of a particularly exciting tennis match.

Merlin could hardly believe what he was hearing. How could Arthur not know? How could anyone have missed how awfully the king treated his apparent ‘closest friend?’ And if no-one had noticed… perhaps it was because they didn’t care enough to look.

Merlin tried not to keep staring incredulously but it was getting difficult. He tamped down hard on his anger, wanting to be articulate rather than give a rage-fuelled speech that didn’t express his thoughts properly. He breathed deeply and took a moment to gather his thoughts.

‘I work for you,’ he began slowly, ‘most hours of the day. Every day. You have never once given me a day off, in… what, seven years? That’s on top of my duties as Gaius’ apprentice, which, if you recall, is the job I chose to do, not the one that was forced upon me. I could be a fully trained physician by now, but that’s taken a backseat, for you. I rarely get more than three hours of sleep, yet you laugh when I fall asleep on my horse. I also frequently save your life, stopping assassins and dealing with various threats, magical and non-magical. I do this by sneaking around, lying about my whereabouts and getting punished for ‘slacking off’ even though you, apparently, knew about my magic for how long?!’

No-one spoke.

‘How. Long?’

Leon cleared his throat. ‘About six months.’

‘Okay. So, not a long time in the grand scheme of things, but still. Six months where I could have been open with my magic around my friends, where I could have been honest about where I was going and why, where I didn’t have to be put in the stocks for being ‘in the tavern,’ though why you punished me knowing full well what I was doing I cannot begin to fathom. That’s six months where I didn’t have to hide injuries, or the frankly abysmal state of my mental health. Six months where I could have had people to talk to. Do you have any idea how lonely this is?’

Merlin’s voice finally cracked, anger, though still present, largely giving way to sadness.

‘The only people, save my mother and Gaius, who have ever known about my magic are dead. And Gaius doesn’t understand. Not properly. I needed a friend. That’s all. Why is that too much to ask for?’

Merlin expected to feel vindicated at the ashamed looks on the knights’ faces as the tears finally fell, but he felt nothing but deep, heart-wrenching loneliness. As he looked at their guilty postures, he wondered how these people could have called him their friend.

‘I know I lied.’ Merlin sniffed, wiping harshly at his eyes. ‘I know you’re supposed to trust your friends. But have you any idea how difficult this has been for me? Any at all? All my life I’ve been told to hide who I am, from the minute I opened my eyes. I tried to - ‘

Merlin cut himself off, breathing steadily. They didn’t need to know about that.

‘My life has been so incredibly lonely. I have had two real friends in my whole life, both of whom died because of me. And I couldn’t even mourn Will because every time I mentioned his name all anyone would talk about was ‘that sorcerer.’ Never mind that he saved Arthur’s life! Well, actually, I saved his life but Will died protecting my secret and I couldn’t even grieve properly! And then Freya dies, and Lance, and I have had no-one. Can you even fathom the level of loneliness that I have dealt with since I was old enough to understand it? My mother was terrified to let me out of the house when I was tiny in case I accidentally made some flowers grow and the Red Knights burnt me for it!’

The knight collectively winced. Gwaine looked like he wanted to cry.

‘Arthur, I know you are not your father but that does not make this easy for me. How many times have you condemned magic right in front of me?’

Arthur opened his mouth but Merlin cut him off.

‘And how many times have you praised it? None. The most you have ever said is ‘perhaps magic isn’t the evil my father taught me it was.' And that’s supposed to be enough? I understand that it is difficult to unlearn prejudices that you have been taught since you could talk, I would have understood if you’d been angry. But apparently you’ve already unlearnt them! And you didn’t bother to tell me that I had nothing to be afraid of? What sort of friends does that make you?

I have lived in fear every single day of my life. When you can understand even a fraction of what I’ve gone through, then you can ask why I didn’t tell you.’

And Merlin turned and walked away.

Notes:

Might add another chapter that gives some explanation as to why they didn't tell him they knew, or I might just leave it here and let him give them the telling off they deserve with no excuses. Let me know what you'd prefer

Chapter 2

Notes:

(See the end of the chapter for notes.)

Chapter Text

The knights found Merlin down by the river. He was sniffling and wiping his face, so clearly trying to keep quiet that their hearts broke for him.

‘Merlin?’

He jumped, but didn’t turn around.

‘Sire.’

They sat around him, careful to keep a little distance. Gwaine hesitated, then reached out to pull Merlin close. He could almost hear his heart crack when he pulled away. There was silence for a short while, nobody really knowing where to begin, before Arthur awkwardly cleared his throat.

‘So, um, where were you if not the tavern?’

The expressions on the knights’ faces showed just how stupid a thing that was to say, and Arthur was just about to take it back when Merlin grunted an answer.

‘Saving your life, usually.’

‘Ah. ‘Sneaking around’ and ‘stopping assassins.’’

‘There are an inordinate amount of people working against you from outside Camelot, Sire. They needed to be dealt with before they got any further.’

And wasn’t that a strange thing to hear from Merlin of all people?

‘Merlin, I’m sorry. I didn’t know. I thought that dropping a few branches and tripping up bandits was about the extent of what you do. I would never, never give you extra chores or put you in the stocks unless I thought you were deliberately avoiding your work.’

‘But you always think I’m in the tavern.’ Merlin turned to Gwaine. ‘Surely you knew I wasn’t there? Why wouldn’t you say anything?’

‘There’s more than one tavern in Camelot, Merls.’

Merlin blinked. ‘There is?’

Gwaine chuckled. ‘There is. I thought you avoided the Rising Sun so that I wouldn’t know you were there.’

‘Oh.’

Even without knowing everything Merlin had done for him, Arthur knew he had a lot to be thankful for. And a lot to apologise for. He’d always found that a little difficult, but this was important. Too important to let his pride get in the way.

‘There’s something you should know.’ Arthur told him. ‘I’ve been working on repealing the ban on magic.’ He cringed as Merlin turned wide, bloodshot eyes to him. ‘It was going to be a surprise… We thought if we kept it from you, if you had no idea it was coming it would be more impactful. I realise now that we should have told you. You deserve to feel safe in your home. I’m sorry I kept you from that for so long. I’m sorry I actively contributed to it with my comments. I will do anything in my power to make it up to you.’ 

‘We all will.’ Percival added, to a chorus of agreement from the others. He caught Merlin’s eyes and continued. ‘We realise now the suffering we have caused you. I am sorry, my friend. If I am still worthy to call you that?’

The knights shifted uneasily as Merlin stared out at the stream in silence. They were all thinking the same thing: that they couldn’t lose Merlin’s friendship. He was the most loyal, trustworthy man any of them had ever known and he was a close friend to them all. One of the closest. Of course they would respect whatever decision he made, but if he decided to cut ties with them… none of them knew what they would do.

‘I still want to be friends…’ His voice was soft and quiet, but it rang clear through the trees. The knights breathed huge sighs of relief. ‘But I don’t know how. I understand where you were coming from, but… well, it was a poor decision, and not properly thought through, I think. If it was thought through at all. The impact of repealing the ban would not have been lessened by anything - I’ve waited for this my whole life.’

‘I’m sorry.’ Gwaine murmured. ‘You’re my first and dearest friend, to think I made you feel like less than that… I don’t know how to express my apologies in words.’

Merlin smiled sadly. ‘Thank you. This is… You have to understand how much this has hurt me. I don’t think a simple apology will make me feel any better. As you say, it’s just words.’

‘Even so, you deserve to hear it.’ Elyan said.

‘Indeed. You are the truest friend. You deserve so much better than we have given you. I’m sorry that we misjudged so terribly. That I misjudged so terribly.’ Leon spoke sincerely, and Merlin knew that he meant every word.

Each knight spoke sincere apologies and Merlin nodded, accepting them all. He would need time, he knew, to be angry and sad, but he knew he would forgive them. And maybe they’d be there to listen now.

 

~~~

 

‘Merlin?’

‘Hmm?’

‘What did you mean when you spoke about your childhood? Your mother was scared people would find out about your magic… I don’t understand why you’d risk learning it, or why she would let you.’

Merlin snorted. ‘I didn’t learn magic, Elyan. I was born with it.’

There was silence for a long moment.

‘That’s possible?’ Arthur asked, looking troubled.

‘Yes. Many people are born with the potential for magic, but they would have to study it to be able to use it. Some people are born with it but it usually manifests in late childhood or early adulthood. Like Morgana…’

‘She couldn’t help it…’ Arthur’s voice was soft and sad.

‘No. She couldn’t. I’m sorry I didn’t tell her about my magic, Arthur. Maybe if she’d known she wasn’t alone…’

‘You cannot blame yourself for other people’s actions, Merlin.’

Right. But he did. Because if he’d taken another course, her actions could have been so different. Another life ruined because of him. And how many lives had she ruined, making him responsible for those too?

‘As far as I know I’m the only person whose magic has been usable since birth. Mother says I was moving objects around before I could hold my own head up.’

‘She must have been terrified.’ Leon had grown up in Camelot, he’d had a front row seat to Uther’s vendetta against sorcery for as long as he could remember.

‘She was.’ Merlin gazed at the grass. ‘I tried to run away, once. I didn’t want to be a burden, she had enough to worry about - she could barely feed herself, let alone me, and some of the villagers judged her harshly because my father wasn’t around. The magic was so much to deal with, especially when I was very young and I couldn’t control it. She was so scared, all the time. I thought that she’d be happier if she didn’t have to be scared. So I tried to leave.’

‘How old were you?’

‘About five summers? Old enough to realise the impact my magic had on those around me, but I couldn’t do anything about it. I was a very happy child, even with all this to worry about, and my magic… it’s like it yearns to be set free. It’s always like that, but especially when I’m happy. My mother always knew where to find me because I’d leave a trail of flowers everywhere I ran. When I ran away there were no flowers, but she found me anyway. It’s not difficult to find a child who exudes magic. I honestly don’t know how she kept me alive those first few years.’

‘We thought you learnt magic for us…’ Percival trailed off. Merlin cocked his head to the side.

‘For you?’

‘To protect us.’ Gwaine looked a little sheepish. ‘The Princess is always banging on about how useless you are - not that you are useless, even without the magic, but we thought you were sick of it and wanted to be able to do something to help us when we’re under attack… Seems a little silly now…’

Merlin smiled. ‘I do use it primarily to protect you all - seriously, you’re all useless at looking after yourselves - but no. Had it my whole life.’

Arthur spluttered. ‘I’ll have you know I can look after myself just fine!’

‘Oh yes?’ Merlin smirked. ‘Funny how you always seem to get knocked out as you’re heroically saving the day and I have to tell you how you saved us all, isn’t it?’

‘What exactly are you implying, Mer lin?’

‘Nothing, Sire.’ Merlin put on his most innocent look, causing the knights to smirk. ‘It’s just funny that you don’t actually remember all those times you saved us, isn’t it? That you’ve only got my word for it…’

‘Very funny.’ Arthur repeated, deadpan. ‘I want to hear about all these times, Merlin. I want to know everything you’ve done for me. For us.’

‘Of course, Arthur.’

‘And… Freya?’ Percival looked unsure. ‘You mentioned a Freya. Who was she?’

Merlin’s face hardened. ‘I don’t want to talk about it.’ Not yet.

The knights nodded, and knew the conversation was over. There was so much to talk about, they couldn’t possibly do it all before sunset. They would talk back in Camelot, and they knew it would take time but they were willing to put in all the time they needed and more for their friend.

Arthur stood up, brushing off his breeches and turning to return to camp.

‘Oh, Merlin? I do give you days off. What do you think these trips are for?’

Merlin’s mouth fell open as he gazed at Arthur in disbelief. ‘Days off? Days off ? Have you any idea how much work I do on these trips? No, don’t answer, clearly you don’t!’

He stood up and looked around at the knights. For a moment it looked like he might go into some detail, but he just sighed.

‘I’m going to have a nap.’

And he walked back to camp. There was silence, the crickets chirping were the only noise. Arthur cleared his throat.

‘I suppose that wasn’t a very well thought out comment on my end.’ He was met with a chorus of no’s and head shakes. He sighed. ‘I’ll go and apologise.’

‘And give him a week off!’ Gwaine called after him.

‘Two weeks!’

‘Three!’

‘A month!’

‘A year!’

‘The rest of his life!’

‘Don’t push it!’ Arthur called without turning around.

 

~~~

 

The next few weeks were… surreal, to put it lightly. Merlin found help everywhere he turned, quite literally - with the amount of times he’d turned around only to find an over-eager knight standing at his shoulder offering to help with some mundane task, he was honestly surprised his heart hadn’t given out yet. Arthur was forcing him to go to bed before midnight every night, on top of giving him less chores - he hadn’t been asked to muck out the stables or do any laundry since his rant, which he wasn’t complaining about, but it was certainly odd. He’d almost broken down when Arthur had offered to relieve him of his duties, thinking he didn’t want him anymore.

‘What have I done wrong?’ He’d asked plainly. He should know, so that he could fix it and then maybe Arthur would still want him around…

‘Nothing! Nothing, Merlin. You’ve been just as incompetent as usual.’ Arthur felt a little bad calling Merlin incompetent now, but after a week of nothing but nice comments Merlin had sat him down and told him in no uncertain terms that he liked their banter, and that as long as he didn’t cross the line into cruelty Merlin wouldn’t be offended. Arthur was having a little trouble finding that line, and was hearing a lot of comments about his emotional constipation, but they were getting there.

Merlin’s shoulders slumped in relief. ‘Why are you getting rid of me, then?’

Arthur took a seat on the edge of his bed and eyed Merlin with confusion. ‘This isn’t the job you chose. You said it yourself, you wanted to be Gaius’ apprentice. Well, you should go and focus on that. You’ll still be close enough to protect me, though hopefully with my help next time, and anyone can make my bed and put my socks in the wrong place.’

Which was nowhere near encompassing all that Merlin did for him, but they both knew what he really meant. So much so that Merlin turned and left, returning to wake Arthur bright and early the next morning by dragging him out of bed. Neither of them spoke of the interaction again.

All this sudden kindness was grating on him, though…

‘You know I forgive you, right? I won’t be forgetting it anytime soon, but you don’t have to keep trying to make up for it. I forgive you.’ Merlin told the knights around the dinner table one night. The dinner table that he was sat at, with no-one serving - everyone helped themselves and topped up their own drinks. Surreal, indeed.

‘What do you mean, Merlin?’ Elyan asked with a frown.

‘All this,’ Merlin gestured widely with his hand, ‘helping me with my chores, extra pleases and thank-yous, going out of your way to spend time with me. You don’t have to.’

Gwaine’s eyes were sad as he watched Merlin speak. ‘That’s not what we’re doing, Merls. We’re treating you like we should have been treating you all this time. This isn’t a temporary thing.’

‘Yeah, right.’ Merlin snorted. ‘Within a month you’ll have forgotten all about it, and that’s pushing it.’

‘No, my friend. How could we possibly forget the pain we’ve caused you?’

‘Oh, come on, Leon, you don’t have to keep pretending. I promise I won’t be angry.’

Merlin didn’t understand the sadness on the knights’ faces, but he knew they’d forget soon enough, or just stop caring so he let it be. But then a month passed, then another, and another… and Merlin started to rethink his assessment of his friends’ behaviour. Maybe they cared more than he thought, but even still, this couldn’t possibly last forever.

…Could it?

Notes:

Spoiler alert, it does last forever