Chapter Text
Poe
Poe had a fair understanding of the force. He wasn’t an expert, but he knew enough. He knew he wasn’t force sensitive. He knew that maybe underneath everything his mother was. He knew that whether she was or wasn’t it didn’t matter anymore. His mother was the one that told him he wasn’t force sensitive. Quick, light, easy as ripping off a bandaid. Sitting in front of his mother hearing that he’d never quite be Luke Skywalker he was devastated. He felt his dreams leave him one by one.
It was good though, his mother’s blunt honesty. It meant he didn’t get his hopes up, didn’t have a long drawn out crash and burn. He got over it. The force tree in his backyard helped. So did his mother’s flying lessons. He didn’t have the force coursing through him like all the jedis in his bedtime stories, but sitting on his favorite branch or learning A-wing controls from his mom, he could pretend he did. Sometimes he could believe it.
He didn’t learn about force bonds until later, not till after he joined the resistance. He wasn’t one for gossip, but he still overheard it passed through the base. Luke Skywalker’s visits always brought whispers. Poe’s interest in Skywalker had always focused on his flying. He didn’t even think about anything other than his X-wing skills until one night returning from training, he caught sight of Luke and Han. The hall was empty. They hadn’t spotted Poe. Looking back, he had no doubt Luke sensed him. They were leaning into each other speaking with hushed tones, glittering eyes. The kind of display that caused blushing and gagging in the same breath. Cute. Too much from the outside.
Poe scurried away hiding his face in his hands until he collapsed in his bunk pulling his blanket over his head. He asked his bunkmates about it later that night.
“I thought Han and Leia were a thing? Aren’t they?” He asked.
They all got a good laugh out of that. Poe sunk deep into his cot, willing it to swallow him whole.
“They were, for a long time, but…well, you know?”
“No I don’t. What happened?”
“Kriff, Poe, okay, do you remember back a while ago when they went on a mission together?”
“Yeah.”
“Well, they, you know, they bonded.” His bunkmate looked away, scratching the back of his neck, hoping the conversation was done.
Poe stared at the blushing pilot across from him, trying to figure out if that was supposed to mean something to him. It didn’t. At all.
“Okay. So?”
“Jesus Poe! A force bond! They have a force bond, it’s like? It’s like a Life long bond through the force, it can’t brake. Ever. I’m pretty sure you can chat in each other’s minds. You can even tell when the other dies!”
“I heard Luke’s the only one who’s ever formed one with a non-force sensitive like Han!” another recruit piped up.
His bunkmates started piling on, adding rumors they’d heard about the mystical connection. It was like a soul mate. It was rare. It was only supposed to happen between jedi. When the conversation stopped Poe curled up tight in his scratchy standard issue blanket. He tried not to feel like he was ten years old and his dreams were getting ripped away. He never knew force bonds existed, but it was just another thing right out of his reach. A perfect connection to someone for their entire lives, feeling that person’s emotions and thoughts as his own. Knowing exactly how much they loved you and being able to feel it from across the galaxy. No one else seemed to give a shit about it, they were laughing and joking about maybes and what ifs. But Poe, Poe sat there hollow.
He was ten all over again, learning he’d never know how the sky looked and felt with the force. He’d never know if the sky opened up just a little tiny bit more. He’d never know if everything seemed just a touch brighter or sharper. He’d never know what it felt like to have someone in tune with him: completely. They'd be in love and in sync and connected.
Poe almost wished he’d never asked.
xxx
Finn
The Force was a weapon. It was handled by an elite few and no one outside of them. Storm Troopers were not force sensitive. That was what the First Order told FN-2187. He didn’t question them. Storm Troopers didn’t have the force. It didn’t matter if they did or not, it didn’t affect his training.
There were rumors. There’s always rumors. It doesn’t matter how tight your grip is, people talk, even Troopers. FN-2187 was never invited into these small connections. He laid in his bunk, eyes closed, ears straining to pick up something, anything. Usually the midnight gossip wasn’t anything important. Small mistakes to snicker at. Mumbled praises passed through the bunks when someone moved up a rank. Some nights offered more. Some nights the rumors spun stories of seemingly normal troopers taken to Kylo and never returning.
The troopers taken to Kylo, the ones that never returned, they were rare. FN-2187 didn’t know if he was right, didn’t know if everyone was thinking the same thing, but he could feel it. He knew they were Force Sensitives. He knew that they were taken but he didn’t know why.
He didn’t want to know why.
They were decommissioned. Killed. Tossed out the airlock. Rationally he knew that was why they never returned.
Slowly that became his greatest fear. The thought that one day he might do something to make anyone suspect he was Force Sensitive, the thought that he’d be taken away, killed, tossed aside. It kept him awake some nights. He never knew why. It was an irrational fear. He didn’t have any force sensitivity. He didn’t. He couldn’t have any. It was impossible.
The fear of The Force was Fn-2187’s but somehow it stuck to Finn and he wasn’t sure he’d ever be able to shake it.