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It’s only been a few days since the news officially broke out.
The summer started lovely, like a dream and for a moment, Simon really thought that it was one. Wille running after him, confessing he doesn’t want to be the king, doing it for himself but still choosing Simon. And Simon would never force him to do anything but he did have dreams where they were together just like this, without all the royal baggage. He’s never mentioned them to Wille, but there were many times when he wished it was easier for the both of them. Because, for him, it was obvious. That Wille actually hated everything that the royal life conveyed.
He’s not truly free yet. No matter how much both of them would like that, it’s not just a matter of his words, of him admitting to his mom that he decided to abdicate. There’s a whole machinery behind that and the cogs are spinning probably faster than ever out there in the royal palace. Because like two days ago, an official statement was released for the public, that Wille is stepping down and August is to take over.
Simon’s been scared about the fallout of it. He promised Wille he’d try not to go online and read anything but it’s hard for him. Knowing that there are people out there commenting on Wille, on him, on their relationship and his decision. Still, he’s trying to be strong and keep his word to his boyfriend.
But as this morning he sits down on the sofa in his living room with his breakfast, there’s a news channel playing on tv. His mom left for work early and Sara is nowhere to be seen, probably getting ready to hang out with Felice later. The news hasn’t been on in their house recently for obvious reasons, since the whole royal drama is being discussed there quite frequently. Or it hasn’t been on when Simon is around at least. He’s noticed his mom switching channels as soon as he appears in the living room, or hiding newspapers for him. He sort of appreciates it because if everything was out there, just for him to reach for, he probably would. It already is taking too much restraint for him not to go online. And that’s probably why he doesn’t switch the channel now himself, the curiosity eventually getting the best of him.
On the screen, there are a few people gathered around a glass table in the studio and the headline at the bottom says The Royal Switch . Cautiously, Simon turns up the volume.
“All I’m saying is that this decision seems rather abrupt,” says some bald guy. “It hasn’t been that long since Crown Prince Erik’s passing, of course, Wilhelm would need time to adjust to the new role-”
“Well yes, but it is something you are born for for a reason,” cuts in a blonde lady. “It is quite a switch indeed, but he should have always been ready for such a turn of events. It is his duty to the people.”
“It was,” another person cuts in and the rest of the table nods at the reminder.
“We all know about his… lifestyle choices,” a man in glasses begins then. “But it’s not like he wouldn’t be able to carry on with that if he desires to. Our country is not homophobic.”
Simon has to snort. The comments under his posts proved otherwise.
“I refuse to believe he wasn’t influenced to come to such a decision,” a woman in a slicked-back ponytail says then. “Especially by his boyfriend. We’ve seen that Simon Eriksson is clearly against the monarchy. It must have rubbed off on the prince.”
“Yes, I also don’t believe that he didn’t have anything to do with this.”
“This kind of doesn’t fall with the narrative of him being a golddigger. Wasn’t his whole point about pursuing the price?” The blonde lady questions.
“Wilhelm is still underage, it’s not like he’s losing all the money now. Still plenty for Eriksson to prey upon.” The bald guy retorts and Simon begins to feel sick. He puts away his plate, suddenly not in mood for breakfast anymore.
“I don’t think it’s the case of Eriksson’s opinions rubbing off on the prince. I think he must have imposed them on Wilhelm.” The woman with the ponytail speaks again. “I mean, just a few weeks ago, Wilhelm was happily attending first public appearances on his own. He seemed really in his element. How much could have changed since then?”
He seemed in his element because he was faking, Simon wants to scream at the tv.
“I think everyone’s concern is that it seems so sudden,” the guy in the glasses seems to circle back a bit. “I mean, there’s no turning back for this. The boy might have just ruined his life.”
They could not be more wrong.
“This is what he gets for seeping to someone clearly not on his level,” Bald guy states. His words prompt a few alarmed looks from the other guests. “I mean, we’ve all known that Eriksson is not the right choice. For many reasons, not only because of his anti-monarchist views.”
“For me, it’s the way he was so vocal about it,” The blonde lady starts. “I mean, come on, you’re dating a prince, you should tone it down. But there he goes, proudly parading on labour day or posting his music with all those… questionable lyrics.”
“The thing about dating a public figure is that you need to keep your distance and separate your private life from the one presented in the media.” The man in the glasses retorts. “Kid clearly failed at that.”
“Hey.”
Simon quickly switches the tv off once his sister appears in the doorway.
“I’m leaving to meet Felice,” Sara continues as she fumbles with her bag. “I’m not sure when I’ll be back but mom left dinner in the fridge.”
Simon manages a nod. He’s beginning to feel weirdly numb as something dark seeps into him after listening to what the people on tv had to say.
“Are you okay?” His sister must notice something as she frowns at him.
“Yeah,” Simon clears his throat, forcing on a smile when he faces her. Sara still eyes him suspiciously, as if seeing right through him. “I’m just still barely awake,” Simon lies.
“Okay…” Sara trails off slowly. “Are you hanging out with Wille today?”
“I don’t know,” he retorts. They haven’t made any plans yet and Wille is now back in Stockholm. They are supposed to call soon and figure out how to organise this week with Wille still having some meetings he has to attend back at the palace.
“Alright,” Sara’s gaze on him still feels weird but he really hopes she'll just drop it. “Let me know if you need anything, okay? I can come back-”
“I’ll be fine, thank you,” Simon rushes to say. “Have fun.”
She smiles in answer but it’s an uneasy one. Thankfully, she then steps away and soon, Simon can hear the car as it leaves the driveaway. He lets out a shaky exhale.
Those people know nothing, he tries to reason with himself, letting himself be angry because he thinks he has a reason to be. They’re discussing those things as if they know what it all means, as if they know what is best for Wille while they don’t know shit. They speak of him, his values and beliefs as if he were a lesser person just because he’s not royalty or at least of a higher class. They claim that everything that happened is his fault while the truth is completely different.
But what if it is his fault? What if even somehow, indirectly, he did influence Wille? And now his boyfriend will regret his decision and will begin to hate him?
For my sake, Wille said back then when Simon asked if he was doing it for him. And Simon wants to believe him but…
Simon’s legs feel shaky as he stands up from the couch, suddenly wanting to be as far away from the tv, as far away from the whole outside world. He goes back to his room and drops heavily on the bed. Near his pillow, there is his phone. He eyes it for a few seconds, pondering but the need to know wins over him again. Because it can’t be that literally everyone thinks he’s ruined the monarchy, can it?
He grabs the phone and logs into his new, private Instagram account. The official royal family profile has switched off the comments on the post containing the statement about Wille’s abdication. Smart , Simon thinks. He goes on Twitter then, typing in his name in the search bar and reading a few posts that pop up.
congratulations simon eriksson you’ve ruined the monarchy!
honestly wilhelm giving everything up for a mediocre boy?? wtf
not the crown prince choosing to play house with his little boyfriend
it’s so obvious it’s all simon’s doing. the guy is so bitter he literally forced wilhelm to abdicate. he should be ashamed
simon saw that the attention is not on him anymore and said hold my beer, let’s make the crown prince abdicate ahakhdsgd that’s some new level of desperate ngl
first turning the prince gay and now this. what kind of latino witchcraft is this?? fuck you simon erisskon
Simon locks his phone and places it down on the bed with a shaky hand. He feels sick to his stomach.
He was foolish to think this is over. That Wille’s decision can free them both from the scrutiny. Now it feels like it’s even worse.
The words from the posts keep dancing in front of Simon’s eyes even once he closes them. He feels the tears building up behind his eyelids. He’s weak and pathetic but it’s like all of the emotions from before return with double force. The feeling of helplessness, the disgust he begins to feel towards himself, the hate, the fear. For himself but also for the others close to him. He’s been putting them in danger too. Even Wille. Now people will begin to hate him because of Simon too.
He let himself be happy for like two seconds but now the feeling is gone completely, replaced with something cold and some crashing weight falling upon him. He wishes it would thrust him deep underground so he wouldn’t be able to crawl out, so he could just disappear. It’d make everyone’s life easier.
Simon drags his heavy limbs up on the bed and lays down as his tears fall, sniffling to himself in the quiet of his room. Somewhere between the sheets, his phone vibrates but it feels like too much of an effort to reach for it. Maybe it’s just more hateful comments anyway. He’s too afraid to check. God, he really is a coward.
So he just lays there, staring into nothing and hoping the overwhelming feeling would go away. But it doesn’t even really matter anymore. Even if he feels better he’s still him. And it’s just a matter of time before he ruins the rest of the good things left in his life.
Somewhere in his restless state, Simon must actually drift off for a while. Once he comes to, even with his eyes still closed, he can feel the presence of someone next to him. He’s sure it must be either Sara or his mom trying to check on him. So when he opens his eyes and instead of spotting them there he sees his boyfriend, he can’t say he's not surprised.
“Hi,” Wille says from where he’s perched on the edge of his bed. His palm rests gently on Simon’s side and he runs it up and down there in a soothing movement.
“What are you doing here?” Simon frowns, still kind of doubting if he’s actually awake.
“You weren’t answering your phone,” Wille says but he doesn’t sound angry, more like concerned.
“I’m sorry,” Simon sighs but his boyfriend only shakes his head, still smiling at him softly.
“So then I called Sara and she told me you were a bit off before she left so… I’m here,” he adds.
Simon lets out a long exhale. This is all going wrong. Wille shouldn’t be here. He has enough on his plate now but Simon is too tired to fake that he’s alright. He should have just answered the phone or texted Wille that he didn’t want to meet today. Stupid.
“Well, you shouldn’t be,” he can’t help but say, causing Wille to frown at him.
“Why?”
“I’m not feeling too good, Wille,” Simon starts, trying for his voice not to shake as he drags himself up to sit in the bed.
“The more reason for me to be here,” Wille states “so I can make you feel better.”
“You can’t,” Simon shakes his head. He drops his gaze as he feels another wave of tears threatening to spill from his eyes.
“Simon,” Wille’s hand goes to rest on his thigh in a comforting touch but it doesn’t actually bring too much comfort. Not when Simon’s head is such a mess, not when he can’t chase away the thoughts of the comments he saw, of what he heard on tv. Not when it’s still playing in his mind, making his heart twist painfully. “What’s going on?”
Simon keeps shaking his head but he can hear how his breathing quickens with the effort to hold back, to not let the dam of tears break.
“Baby,” Wille’s voice grows more worried but Simon still can’t bring himself to look at him. “Please tell me what’s wrong. I’ve been worried about you.”
Simon reaches with his hand to wipe at his nose. He can’t speak, sure no words will make it through the lump in his throat. Why is it so hard to just tell him?
“Can I hug you?” Wille asks then.
And damn, a hug actually sounds so nice.
He nods and instantly finds himself wrapped in his boyfriend’s embrace.
Which was not a good idea because with his steady, strong arms around him, Simon breaks.
The tears spill down his cheeks first and then he can’t stop the sobs from ripping out of his chest. Wille only holds him tighter as Simon fists the material of his sweater, needing something to hold onto, to keep him afloat. If he lets go, he’s going to drown in this ugly feeling completely.
“Shh, you’re okay,” Wille soothes softly. “It’s okay.”
Simon shakes his head because it’s not okay. Nothing is okay and he can’t see the future where it is okay.
“I’m going to ruin everything, Wille,” he sobs harder. “If I haven’t already, I-” his voice breaks
“What are you talking about?” Wille tries to pull back but Simon just can’t . He clings onto him even harder. “Baby, hey, can you look at me?”
Simon doesn’t want to. It would mean detangling himself from Wille’s embrace and even the thought of it hurts too much now. He wishes that Wille’s arms could just shelter him from everything. From the haters, the reporters, his own feelings even sometimes.
So they stay pressed together for a while longer. Till Simon’s sobs subside a little and, still reluctantly, he pulls back a bit to look at his boyfriend.
He knows he must look like a mess. Nose all runny, eyes red and puffy and hair unruly. He braces himself with an exhale before actually meeting Wille’s eyes.
“You haven’t ruined anything, Simon.” He says with some hint of urgency in his voice.
“Then I will,” Simon sniffles and drops his gaze. “People already hate me but now they are going to hate you too. Because you gave up the crown for me.”
“I haven’t done that for you, Simon.”
“Haven’t you?”
“Simon,” Wille takes his face in between his palms gently, waiting till their eyes meet before speaking again. “I told you. I did this for myself. This is what I wanted.”
“But what if I…” Simon hesitates “Influenced it somehow?”
Wille exhales.
“Remember when we spoke about how we learn things from each other?” He asks and Simon nods, recalling this conversation. “So I do learn things from you. You show me things I wouldn’t notice before and you showed me that I could have a different life. You showed me that I have a choice but that’s it. The choice itself is something I made, on my own. Because this is something I want.”
Wille keeps looking him deep in the eyes, clearly trying to make him see that he means it.
“Are you sure?” Simon still asks. “I don’t want you to regret-”
“I’m not going to regret it,” Wille interjects swiftly. “That life… I hated it. I needed an out. I just didn’t believe it was something I could afford to do. Or that I would be strong enough to do it. Not until you gave me the strength. But then it was my decision, my choice. It still is.”
Simon believes him. He has no reason not to. Wille and him have renewed the promise they gave to each other what seems ages ago, no more secrets and lies between them. They trust each other more than ever now.
But it doesn’t really change anything.
“People don’t seem to believe it though,” Simon mumbles.
“Who?” Wille questions, a frown creasing his forehead.
“Everyone,” Simon shrugs. “The media.”
“Simon…” Wille sighs and Simon knows he’s about to rebuke him for reading the comments.
“The news was on when I was having breakfast this morning,” he starts before he gets to. “And I heard some things.”
“What did you hear?”
“I don’t want to repeat it.”
Another sigh leaves his boyfriend’s lips.
“It’s all bullshit, Simon, I told you.” Wille begins, sounding frustrated but Simon knows it’s not directed at him but at the media. “They don’t know shit, okay? Please don’t pay attention to it.”
“It’s easier said than done…”
“I know,” Wille says a bit more calmly now. “I know, baby. But please, it really isn’t worth it.”
Simon nods a little. He’s right, but it’s still such a weird, unpleasant feeling. To know you’re being talked about but not being able to know what exactly is being said. But maybe it is actually worse to know when it’s all such bullshit.
“Is that why you are down today?” His boyfriend questions then. His hands wander to grasp Simon’s, delicately caressing his knuckles. Simon nods.
“It’s just…” he begins hesitantly. Wille squeezes his palms a bit tighter encouragingly. “Everything was so good these past few days and… I don’t know, I guess I just wanted it to stay good but then it crushed with the reality which is… less than good. And it’s like all came back to me with double force, the comments and everything. All the disgusting things people say…”
“What are they saying?” Wille inquires.
“To go fuck myself because I’ve ruined the monarchy. Or that I somehow bewitched you into being gay and then abdicating. That I should be ashamed. That I’m an attention seeker and a golddigger and that you should have never seep to my level and be with me.” His voice begins to shake only at recalling it.
“Simon, I’m so sorry,” Wille draws him into his arms again, hugging him tightly as he sniffles. “I’m sorry. This is all such bullshit. They’re the ones who should be ashamed writing this sort of stuff and they can go fuck themselves.”
Simon takes a few, steadying exhales, trying to calm himself down and take in Wille’s words.
“Is it… is it what they were saying earlier too? The comments? Like even before… all that.” Wille asks.
“Yeah, basically.”
Still keeping his arms around him, Wille pulls back a bit to look at him.
“Why haven’t you told me earlier?”
“I tried to,” Simon retorts. “But you had enough on your plate with your mom and stuff so… I guess it wasn’t that important.”
“Of course it was. It is,” Wille urges.
It didn’t seem like it, Simon wants to say but bites his tongue. He remembers trying to bring it up with Wille but being shut down with the same response he always gets. Not to pay attention and not to engage. And he really tries not to hold it against Wille because he was going through something really difficult now but still. It stings a bit.
He just shrugs.
“I’m sorry that I made you feel like you couldn’t talk to me,” his boyfriend apologises genuinely then.
“It’s fine-”
“No, it’s not,” Wille urges, shaking his head. “I think… I might have dismissed it way too easily when you tried to tell me about it. Because this is what I’ve always been told to and what I’ve learnt. Not to pay attention to the comments. So I don’t think I realised how difficult it must be for you. Because it’s all so… new to you.”
Simon appreciates his words, he really does. It seems like there are still some things left unresolved between them. They probably don’t even know how much, not until they somehow come up or they discover them.
He nods, offering his boyfriend a sympathetic smile.
“And I love how you tried to stand up for yourself, for us,” Wille continues then. “You are so brave and… I didn’t like how the royal court shut you down, but it was necessary back then.”
“I’m not brave,” Simon shakes his head.
“You are,” Wille insists “really.”
Simon doesn’t say anything. He doesn’t want to argue.
As he’s looking at his boyfriend now, he can see that Wille has something more to say so he waits.
“How bad was it?” His boyfriend questions eventually, some hint of fear clinging onto his tone. “I mean… with the comments and everything. Did you speak to anyone else about it?”
“A little with my mom but… I don’t think she got it,” Simon admits. “And it was just like… it hurt. People literally criticised me for everything I did, my music, being with you. I kind of… lost the will to do anything for a while. I told you about not feeling as passionate about singing anymore. I still don’t and I hate it because I feel like it’s mostly because of the comments. And it was just… scary, losing myself like that. I felt like people hated me, they still do probably, and I just… felt like I couldn’t do this anymore, like I just didn’t want to… be.”
“What do you mean?” Wille frowns.
“Like, everything felt so pointless and just tiring. Too much.”
Wille looks at him for a long moment, slowly nodding but there’s some uneasiness present on his face.
“I’m so sorry, Simon,” he drops his gaze and shakes his head. “I’m sorry, I should have-, I’m just really sorry.”
Simon takes his hand and gives it a reassuring squeeze, waiting till Wille’s eyes focus on him again.
“We both were going through shit,” he reminds.
“Yeah. But I wasn’t there for you the way you were for me.”
“Wille…”
“I’ll do better, I promise,” Wille says determinedly. “I’m here for you. And I will be, because, Simon,” he clasps Simon’s hand in between his tenderly, the note of urgency reappearing in his tone. “I never. ever want you to feel like that again.”
There’s something serious in his tone and it’s reflected on his face. It’s a promise. A vow. And Simon chooses to accept it, to believe that he’ll keep it.
“I love you,” Wille says and Simon offers him a smile.
“I love you too.”
His boyfriend wraps his arm around him, pressing him to his side and running his palm up and down his arm soothingly. They stay like this, just basking in each other and cooling off from all the emotions which are still running high after the rollercoaster of a talk they’ve just been through.
“We’re going to reclaim it,” Wille begins then. “Your love for music, everything these morons ruined for you.”
Simon smiles at the determination in his tone.
“It might take a while,” he says because he’s still feeling more than unsure about this whole thing.
“That’s okay,” Wille presses a kiss to the top of his head. “I’ll be with you every step of the way.”
And maybe not everything is perfect, things are far from perfect right now actually, but Simon knows he has loving and supportive people by his side. And it means a lot, with all of them he feels like he can actually make it out of the dark hole he’s found himself in. It will take time but Wille doesn’t seem to mind. And as long as he has him, it’s all worth it.