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“fushiguroooo,” itadori drawled out in a fit of laughter, “your eyelashes are so long and curly. they’re so pretty, i like themmmm.”
“shut- hic -up,” fushiguro slurred, his pale skin flushed red from his cheeks to his ears. he always got really red when drinking, and itadori found it absolutely adorable.
they’ve been drinking for a while now, but neither of them were fully drunk. over time, they built up a high tolerance to it and just got more comfortable with one another. though, because they know they're not drunk, itadori wouldn’t be able to call fushiguro pretty and blame it on all the booze he just downed.
itadori’s not sure when he fell in love with him, but he is, he’s madly in love with fushiguro. whether it be gradual or from the first moment, itadori can’t help but wish for a better life, one he can simply enjoy being by his side. neither of them were made to kill and fight, and the blood on their hands will haunt them till the end of time.
lately, there’s been an influx of missions coming up, and itadori has never felt like more of a monster than he does now, and he’s sure fushiguro feels the same way. he’s been doing this a lot longer than him, and he might be more desensitized to it, but that didn’t mean it hurt any less. itadori wished he could take away his pain and kiss the creases by his beautiful emerald eyes.
but he can’t, so here he was instead, his head on fushiguro’s laps surrounded by bottles of cheap beer and wine. itadori’s so in love with him, he might die, and he might just be ok with that. as fushiguro played with his hair, itadori stared up at him in a drunken haze, his eyes landing on fushiguro’s lips that looked so unbelievably appetizing.
itadori wondered how they would feel on his, if they’d fit perfectly together like pieces of a puzzle. were they soft and sweet? or maybe bold and brash? itadori wouldn’t know unless he tried, but he couldn’t do that. however, it did get him thinking.
“hey, fushiguro?”
“hm?” fushiguro hummed in response, the hand running through itadori’s hair coming to a stop. he immediately missed the sensation.
“have you ever kissed anybody?” itadori asked, hoping and praying that he would say no. it’s not like he’ll ever get to, but itadori would like to be his first kiss.
he doesn’t know it was possible, but fushiguro flushed redder. how cute.
“why do you ask?” he muttered, avoiding itadori’s yearning gaze.
“just wondering, nothing about it,” itadori lied, totally not because he wanted to kiss him like he was made to because he was, itadori truly was. “we’re teenage boys after all.”
“no, i haven’t,” fushiguro answered, “have you?”
as much as itadori wanted to be fushiguro’s first despite the probability of that being zero, fushiguro wouldn’t be his first. it’d be the best though.
“yeah, i have. she was pretty, but i didn’t really enjoy it.”
fushiguro’s bright eyes faltered as if itadori’s words were daggers that stuck through like the thorns of a beautiful rose. his heart shattered before him, itadori could tell, but why?
“i’m sure she liked it,” fushiguro said, his soft smile filled with nothing but sorrow. for the first time, itadori didn’t know how to read him, and he didn’t like that.
“maybe,” itadori half-mindlessly replied, “but it’s not like i liked her. i don’t think kissing to begin with is all that great anyway.”
itadori says that, but he’s sure that if it were fushiguro he was kissing, he’d eat his words in a second then fushiguro’s lips. he’d steal as many as he could get before his inevitable end.
“i wouldn’t know,” fushiguro said, taking another swig of beer. he winced at it and scrunched up his nose. it was adorable, and itadori wasn’t sure how much more of this he could take. he was so helplessly in love, so desperately yearning for something more. he loves fushiguro, he loves him more than he can take. his heart’s pounding, and it wasn’t because of the booze.
sitting up, itadori may not be completely drunk, but he was definitely under the influence because never in a million years would he let these words leave his mouth.
“do you want me to teach you?” the shock of it all hadn't set in yet, itadori was too busy admiring the soft gloss on fushiguro’s thin lips and what they would taste like.
it didn’t take long for him to realize though, not with fushiguro’s puzzled look staring at him. oh god, what did he just do? why would he say that? itadori needed to take it back, he couldn’t bear to lose fushiguro. but as he opened his mouth, nothing came out. he should, he really should, but he loved fushiguro more than he feared losing him.
but that wasn’t the biggest surprise yet, not with fushiguro’s flustered expression. “...sure.”
“...oh, o- ok,” itadori said at a loss for words. “um, how- how do you wanna do this?”
“i don’t know,” fushiguro said with a shrug. wait a minute. itadori may not be drunk, but was he? did he even want this? “you can just go for it.”
itadori wasn’t sure if he wanted to anymore. he’d give anything to hold fushiguro in his arms and love him like he was made to, but is that what fushiguro wants? did he agree to this because he feels the same way, or is he just drunk and making stupid decisions? itadori’s heart ached and burned, but that didn’t stop his hand from reaching up to caress fushiguro’s warm cheek.
it hurts, but this might be the first and last time itadori will get to experience what love feels like, so he’ll take what he can get.
“punch me if you don’t like it,” he whispered before connecting their lips. he was right, fushiguro’s lips were as soft as they felt, and they felt like heaven.
he started off gentle, not wanting to scare him off. itadori pulled back for only a second, enamored by the blissed-out look fushiguro wore. he could be wrong and this just may be itadori’s wishful hoping, but he swears fushiguro’s eyes were begging him for more, pleading for a second taste, a second taste of pure ecstasy; and who was itadori to deny that?
crashing their lips together, itadori pulled fushiguro into his lap, desperate for him to be his. this might just be some stupid fling to fushiguro, but to itadori, this was all he’s ever wanted in life, so he’ll cherish it till the day he dies. he’ll savor the quiet moans and whimpers that left fushiguro’s mouth, he’ll remember his arms draped over his shoulders, and he’ll love him through it all.
“fushiguro…” itadori muttered through pants and kisses, memorizing the feel of fushiguro’s lips that slotted so perfectly into his. it tasted so good, it felt so good, and itadori was afraid he’d never get to know this sensation again. but as their tongues intertwined with another, he couldn’t bring himself to stop. this was all he was ever going to get, wasn’t he?
his hands on fushiguro’s slim waist, itadori’s been dreaming of the moment he’d get to hold and cherish fushiguro like he was destined to. from fushiguro’s little whines to his cold touch that gave him butterflies, itadori didn’t want to spend a second of his life without him, without knowing how beautiful love can be; but that might just be because he loves fushiguro.
but itadori soon reached his limit, unable to pretend like he’s not on the verge of breaking down. so he pulls away, trying not to look at that the desperate desire in fushiguro’s eyes that begged for more. he was just drunk, he was just looking for a good time, none of that mattered to him.
“we should stop,” itadori said, “before we do something you’re going to regret.”
itadori’s hands lingered on the curves of fushiguro’s waist, but it didn’t hold him, it didn’t love him. they were just there, they didn’t matter.
“what do you mean?” fushiguro asked, itadori’s reflection painted in such a loving light in his eyes. god, why did he have to be cursed in such a way?
“well,” itadori said with a sigh, “what… what does this mean to you?”
fushiguro blinked, dumbfoundedly gorgeous. “y-you mean you don’t know already?”
“...no?” was he supposed to know? and was it going to be what he wanted? did he even want to know? of course it was going to mean nothing to him, what else could it be?
“god, you’re stupid,” fushiguro muttered, his face growing redder. “it means i’m in love with you.”
itadori sighed, his heart shattering into a million pieces. “yeah, i figured-”
wait. what did fushiguro just say? finally looking him in the eyes, itadori saw nothing but the truthful yearning he’s been keeping quiet about for ages, just like he’s been doing too.
“are- are you serious?” itadori asked, almost begging for his wish to come true for fushiguro to be his wish come true. “you’re not just drunk and saying shit?”
fushiguro arched his brow, taking his mind off his embarrassment for a moment. “you really think i’m the type of person to make shit up even when i’m drunk? also i’m not, i sobered up a bit.”
“oh…” itadori didn’t know how to feel or what to say. was this really happening? “you’re in love with me? you mean it? since when?”
“god, you really want me to answer such an embarrassing question?” looking away, fushiguro’s ears were burning red, and itadori couldn’t help but find them adorable.
itadori nodded. it wasn’t that he didn’t trust fushiguro to lie, but he didn’t believe love was made for a monster like him. he’s not beautiful and courageous, he’s just trying his best.
“i am,” fushiguro answered, “i have been for as long as i can remember. you’re kind and caring, and there’s nothing i want more than to cherish you for the rest of my life.”
now itadori was bright-red. he didn’t say anything though, letting fushiguro finish his thoughts. plus, he wanted to hear it, he wanted to hear fushiguro talk about how much he loved him.
“you make me feel safe and give me a new perspective on life, and i don’t know how i’ve lived so long without you. you’re all i’ve ever wanted and more.”
cupping itadori’s face, fushiguro kissed him, soft and gentle, desperate and yearning. itadori savored it all, even the bittersweet aftertaste and fate they can’t fight or change.
“i’m so helplessly and hopelessly in love with you, itadori,” fushiguro whispered with his forehead against itadori’s, silently crying and begging and praying for a new beginning and end.
“i’m so in love with you, and i don’t know what to do with myself. i don’t know what to do with it all.” fushiguro’s hands fell to his side, no longer cradling the remaining ounce of youth itadori had. he was giving up, and itadori couldn’t blame him. he would too because he feels the same way. he knows how harsh it is, he knows the reality, and he knows that he shouldn’t, he can’t.
itadori wants to tell him otherwise, to prove that nothing could ever come between them and the love they hold so deeply for each other. but he can’t because it’s not true. he’s not a liar, he’s just a boy in love. itadori’s not worthy enough to wipe away fushiguro’s tears, he can just hope that his love for him is strong enough to withstand six feet underneath him.
“me too, itadori said softly, “me too. i’m scared, fushiguro, i’m scared to love you this much, but i can’t deny that i do. i’m sorry.”
fushiguro wept quietly, his trembling body breaking itadori’s heart. “i’m sorry too, itadori. i’m sorry i can’t love you at a different time, i’m sorry i won’t ever be able to love you properly.”
fushiguro’s sobs grew lourdes and louder, and there was nothing itadori could do about it except hope that their next life won’t be as cruel as this one.
“i’m sorry,” fushiguro cried, “i’m so, so sorry, i’m so fucking sorry. i just want you to stay with me, i can’t live without you, and i’m sorry, i’m so sorry, itadori.”
itadori wants to tell him the same, he wants to hold fushiguro in his arms and pretend like there isn’t an execution date hanging around his neck. but there is, and fushiguro knows it all too well. he’s going to die soon, and he’ll be leaving fushiguro all alone. love has been nothing but a cursed fate bounding the two to forever wishing for something better than this.
but itadori couldn’t even tell him it’d be ok if he wanted to because it’s not, and it never will be. they’ll never get to live a normal life, they’ll never get to be dumb teenagers in love, they’ll never get to exist without the expectation to be perfect. they’re heroes, not humans. but as horrible as it was, itadori knew he could do it with fushiguro.
he can’t promise he’ll always be there for fushiguro, but he can promise that he’ll be waiting. itadori will linger in limbo with a beating heart or none at all, by his side or engraved in stone, with all the love in the world and more. he doesn’t have the pleasure to love him while he’s alive and breathing, so he’ll wring out every ounce of time he can get in the afterlife.
“i want to die loving you,” itadori muttered, a hushed whisper just loud enough for fushiguro’s ears. taken aback, he looked at him, blinking his tears away.
“wha- what?” fushiguro asked, his face red as ever. was it from the alcohol, the crying, or the fact that he’ll never love anyone as much as he loves itadori? itadori hopes it’s the last one.
“i don’t have much time, fushiguro,” itadori said, “and i’m terrified of what will happen when i leave you behind. it scares me, and i know it scares you too that i can’t do anything about it.”
itadori wants to live just as much as the next traumatized teenager, but he’s accepted his fate for the greater good. he knows fushiguro hasn’t though, and he never will.
a single tear runs down fushiguro’s flushed cheek, and itadori holds back from kissing it away. he wants to kiss his tears away, and he wants to kiss him.
“i’m going to die soon,” itadori said, harsh and relentless, “and i can only hope that you’re stronger than me to keep fighting.”
“i’m not,” fushiguro cried as he shook his head. his heart’s shattering right before itadori’s eyes, but he can’t be the one to pick up the pieces.
“i know,” itadori said with a bittersweet smile, “but just pretend like you can so i’ll feel better when i leave. do it for me, fushiguro, pretend for me, and it’ll be like i never left your side.”
itadori let out a bleak laugh, disguising his fear as comfort. fushiguro smiled, but only for a second. there’s nothing worth smiling for if not with itadori.
“i don’t want to go, i don’t want to be away from you anymore than i have to be,” itadori confessed, “but i’m going to have to, and so are you.”
fushiguro looked away, his cold hand resting lifelessly on itadori’s arm. he didn’t have the strength to hold onto him, to keep him close like he was made to. itadori didn’t blame him.
“i can’t live with you,” itadori said ever-so softly, “but know that i’ll die loving you. till my last breath, it’ll all be for you.”
with shaking hands, itadori reached up to caress fushiguro’s face, wiping away a stray tear as the world fit perfectly in his palms. slowly, he leaned it, and for a moment, he felt heaven on his lips. hints of beer and booze lingered, but beneath it all was fushiguro and his soul that itadori only knows how to love. he loves him more than life and death will allow it.
“i love you, fushiguro,” itadori whispered as he pulled away, “and i’ll love you in every life form we take. i love you, fushiguro, i love you so much.”
“i love you too, itadori,” fushiguro cried, choking on his tears, “i love you more than i know what to do with it. i’ll never forget you.”
fushiguro’s never one to be open about his feelings so brazenly. he’s unintentionally cold and standoffish, putting up walls like it’s second nature. he has trouble trusting people and doesn’t know how to talk about them in a healthy manner. so just like his feelings for itadori, fushiguro pushed them down and kept his mouth shut, bringing them to his grave.
but for once, he let himself be vulnerable and open, the walls he’s spent his whole life building to protect himself coming undone in seconds under itadori’s touch. fushiguro cried and sobbed and screamed, letting his heart speak its mind. it was beautiful, truly and amazingly beautiful, and it killed itadori all the more.
he’s more than happy to know that fushiguro feels comfortable enough to not have to act like he’s as strong as he pretends to be. he’s human, he’s perfectly imperfectly human. but itadori aches at the thought that at the mention of his death, at the mention of such a twisted system is only when fushiguro breaks down, and not from his own choice.
it’s only a matter of time till a jujutsu sorcerer collapses and spirals. itadori just wishes they never had to in the first place. he wishes nobody had to, especially fushiguro.
“i love you,” itadori said once more before pressing his lips against fushiguro’s again, his hands roaming around as fushiguro kissed back.
there was nothing he could do for either of them but take their minds off it, so itadori did it the only way he knew how to. he kissed deeper, slipping his tongue in as their grunts and groans mixed together, desperate and dying for one another. they loved each other, but they couldn’t save each other, and this was the best they were ever going to get.
itadori yuuji has a death date hanging above him, and fushiguro megumi has a death wish; they will never work out any other way.