Work Text:
I - Take this sinking boat and point it home
2019
“How long do you think you can survive without sleeping? I feel like I'm actually going to die from lack of sleep.” Eddie dramatically falls to his couch and closes his eyes, trying to relax and calm himself. The lack of sleep was making him even more anxious and stressed than usual, all his emotions sitting just beneath the surface.
“I believe it's around 10 days. What's going on, Eds?” Buck sits by the end of the couch and allows Eddie to tuck his cold feet under his thighs. It feels casual, comfortable, Buck likes that their friendship does not have the usual physical boundaries male friendships tend to have.
“Chris can barely sleep since the tsunami. It's getting worse though.” Eddie's voice is quiet and breaks at the end of the sentence. He maintains his eyes closed but presses the heels of his hands to his eyes, trying to stop the tears.
‘I… I can understand that. It's been like that for me too. I sleep okay at the station, when we have down time. But home… it's hard.”
“I didn't know that, Buck. You should have told me.”
“It's okay. I get enough sleep at the station and napping in your and Maddie's couches.” He shrugs while still looking at Eddie with concern, “Tell me about Chris.”
Eddie sighs and opens his eyes, looking at Buck while gathering his thoughts. “He has nightmares. And they are a bit all over the place. The tsunami, Shannon. He’s afraid that I will enlist again. Scared that something will happen during a call. It 's a mixed bag. And when it's a nightmare about his mom or me I can usually calm him down.”
“And when is the tsunami?”
“Not really. At least not easily. Some nights it's hours of him crying and by the end I don't know if I calmed him or he is just too exhausted and falls asleep.”
“What has his therapist said?”
Eddie hesitates, “That it's a process, we are working on this but it will take time and work and we need to be ready for that. If it gets too bad there are treatments he can take, but we are not there yet. The therapist actually suggested I should talk with you about this. Uh… Christopher asks for you when he wakes up. He… he has a hard time believing you are home and well, that's part of the issue when the nightmares are from the tsunami.”
“Eddie! You should have told me that. You know I'd have picked up the phone to talk to Chris, even if it was the middle of the night. Shit, I would have come here right away if you thought that would help.”
“I know that. But… I’m his father, I should be able to help, right?" The tears flow freely, leaving salty tracks in his cheeks. “I just feel like I’m failing him. I'm not doing enough for him.”
“You are his father and… Eddie, that boy is so, so, so incredibly lucky. He couldn't have asked for a better one. But you don't have to do everything by yourself and you know that. It's not even that I don't mind helping you, being there for Chris. It's that I want to. You are my best friend, you know how much I care about him. I want to be there for you two. I feel honored that you let me.”
Eddie felt the sharp stabs of pain that anticipated possible panic attacks slowly easing onto just some tightness around his stomach. In an impulse he hugged Buck tight “Thank you, Buck.”
That night Buck stayed.
He is with Eddie during bedtime routine and when Chris is tucked in bed Buck kisses his temple and whispers quietly “Chris, have I told you about my scary dreams?”
“No…”
“I dream of the water sometimes, you know. It's really scary. Sometimes I dream that I will never find you and that I have to tell your dad that I couldn't find you. That we are not friends anymore because of that. It's really scary. Makes me wake up crying and feeling sad.”
“I.. I some…” the boy hesitates looking at his dad for reassurance. Eddie is by the door looking at both.
“Go on, superman. You can say anything to us.”
“I sometimes have bad dreams too, Buck. What do you do when you wake up sad?”
“I… uh… well, first I take deep breaths.”
“I do that with dad too, when I have my bad dreams.”
“That's good. Does that help?” Chris nods and looks him in the eye, disarming him. “Then I remember myself that it's just a bad dream, not reality you know? You are safe, your dad is still my best friend and you are my bestest friendestest.”
“That's not a word, Buck” Chris says giggling softly.
“I had to make one up, just for you, cause you are that special Chris.” Buck exaggeratedly shrugs his shoulders, smiling softly.
After a minute of silence Chris breaks it with a small whisper, eyes hopeful, “Is it easy? To remember that it's just a bad dream? I… I can't always do that.”
“It's not easy, no. But do you remember when the three of us had that picnic in the backyard? We took a few silly pictures and I now have one in my bed stand. And if I need to, I look at that picture. In that one I still have some scratches in my face and look all banged up, but you look happy, smiling bright like the sun. And your dad is looking at us, half laughing half rolling his eyes. And when I look at it I know we made it through and are okay. And as long as we have each other we will be okay. Do you think that would help you too?”
“Maybe. But can you stay? I think that would help more.”
“I'll sleep on the couch tonight. But buddy, when I'm at my house you can ask dad to call me, okay? I will pick up and I can drive here if needed.”
“Thank you, Buck. Can I still have the picture too?”
“Of course, Chris.”
“Love you, Buck.”
Buck leans in and hugs Chris with his whole body. The smell of his apple shampoo calms him, the curls of his hair tickle his nose in a comfortable way and he tries his best to hold the tears and not damp Chris’ cozy pajamas. “I love you too, and I am here for you always, okay?”
The little boy nods and closes his eyes. Buck stays for a while, gently stroking his hair.
When he finally gets up to leave the room he looks for Eddie's eyes, afraid of what he will encounter. Part of him dreads the moment Eddie will tell him that he overstepped and it was not his place to have that conversation with Chris. But instead, Eddie looks at him with the softest eyes, pushing Buck into a strong embrace and sobbing into his shoulder.
“Hey… Eds-”
“Just, thank you. Thank you for everything.”
That night no nightmares came for Christopher or Buck. Chris slept soundly in his bed, finding comfort in the knowledge that both Buck and his dad were home and there for him, knowing that he could look at them at any moment and confirm they were safe and not leaving. Buck slept through the night, lulled by the humming of the fridge, the soft sound of the washing machine in the kitchen and the distant noises of the Diaz boys sleeping.
Eddie spent the first couple of hours in bed restless. Muffling the sound of his tears in the pillow, it felt like a weight had finally lifted from his shoulders. Seeing Chris finally relax before falling asleep, feeling the reassurance of having Buck there for his son. Eventually sleep came, and it was the sweetest thing he could have hoped for.
After that Buck started staying over more often. They don't discuss it, they don't need to, Eddie has everything ready so that Buck can stay over whenever he feels like it or Chris seems particularly anxious.
Along the way, Eddie emptied one of the drawers in his closet and some of Buck's clothes found their way there. Some pajamas, old sweats, a few t-shirts, some briefs.
In the bathroom, near Chris’ green toothbrush sits now Buck's red one for when he stays. And sometimes Eddie has the silly thought that his blue toothbrush might feel lonely in his bathroom.
Very sporadically Eddie will call Buck in the middle of the night, asking him to please speak with Chris in a worried voice. Buck does and sometimes that's enough to calm the little boy. Other nights that's not enough and he will drive, still in his pajamas, to Eddie's home. Buck cradles Chris close, his head nestled in the crook of his neck, until sleep comes.
Those nights are the harder ones. Not because he minds driving there, but because of how utterly broken Eddie will look once they are finally able to put Chris in his bed. Buck knows Eddie will not sleep so before he tries to retreat to his room Buck asks him for a beer and if he minds watching a movie with him until sleep comes. They end up sleeping on the couch, limbs tangled and breathing patterns matching. The couch is too little for two grown men, but its embrace and the closeness to each other is all they need to have a dreamless night.
With time the bad dreams become less and far in between, when they come a deep breath and a look at a picture in his night stand are enough to make Chris calm down and go back to sleep.
Buck still stays. Eddie still falls asleep on the couch next to Buck. And it's the best sleep they have ever got.
II - Let's start a revolution, how beautiful it is
2021
“He told me he doesn't want to have swimming lessons again, did you know that?” Buck sounded almost in disbelief, his words laced with a hint of accusation. They are both in the station’s loft drinking their morning coffee. Yesterday Buck and Chris had been playing online some new game without Eddie, he imagines that’s when Chris decided to tell Buck that he wants to skip swimming lessons for another year.
“Yes. He told me he is not ready yet. I don't want to push it. It's barely been a year since the tsunami.”
“But swimming is so so so important. He needs to know how to swim, Eddie. You are a first responder, you know that better than anyone.”
“I know that. But after the tsunami it does not feel right to make him go if he does not want to. If he does not feel safe.”
Buck stops and ponders, letting the smell of the coffee warm him. He understands the fears, even for him it was hard the first few tries. The first shower home alone, he felt the panic building any time the water splashed his face. It took a lot of deep breaths to calm himself down, and he was only able to properly wash his hair after a couple of weeks and with Maddie patiently waiting for him in his living room. Same thing the first time he went back to the beach and tried to bathe in the ocean. That time he had been even more anxious, but Eddie was there with him and had pressed their shoulders together, close to the shore line, resting a hand over his shoulder while that first wave hit his feet, grounding him and making him feel safe despite the fear bubbling in his stomach.
“Then we teach him. A middle ground. He does not take swimming classes but weekly we go to the pool and he has a proper lesson with either of us. He needs to learn how to swim. Also many studies have shown the potential of aquatic exercise in children with CP, it helps with flexibility, respiratory function, muscle strength, gait, and gross motor function.”
Eddie nods in agreement,“That's actually a good idea.”
“And then you wonder why Ravi thought you two were a divorced couple.” Chim says to the two of them while sipping on his own coffee.
“Yep. Not even me and Karen are as married as you two sometimes.” Hen adds with a knowing look.
Both men rolled their eyes, ignoring the peanut gallery.
A couple of hours later, when they are finally interrupted by a call, they have outlined in a calendar when they are going to the swimming pool, agreeing that whenever possible they will both go with Chris and when not possible whomever is available will take him. Buck has a checklist of all the things they will need to check on the potential pools they will use, to ensure they go somewhere that has the facilities they need for Chris, and Eddie has a list with all the materials they will need to buy to start their lessons.
Eddie sends an email to Christopher’s last swimming instructor, asking for some advice, and the man kindly replies with some good starting points. Use floaters and finds, focus first on arms, then on legs, then breathing, remember that if for most swimming is about symmetrical movements, for children with CP that might not be feasible so it is better to think about it more like a question of finding balance and adapt as needed. He notes that Chris was a natural and had really enjoyed swimming.
It was a bit overwhelming but Eddie had always been better at showing his care through actions rather than word, so to have some pointers and an action plan prepared with Buck made him feel good. A competent father for a change.
Later that week, before the first swimming lesson, Buck and Eddie try to find the best moment to tell Chris that they want him to still learn how to swim. They all have dinner together at Eddie's home, Buck cooked some new pasta dish, with salmon and broccoli, and they all eat while Chris talks lively about the rehearsals for the school play his class is preparing about the water cycle. Chris is going to be evaporation and that's obviously so much better than being condensation. Somehow Jake will play a turkey leg, and that makes sense in the story, it's actually a really funny part according to Chris. Buck and Eddie feel a bit lost but laugh and ask questions, happy to see Chris so excited. Once he finishes his dinner he starts to leave the table, ready for a movie.
“There is something else we wanted to talk about before we start our movie marathon, okay?
“Am I in trouble?”
“Should you be?” Eddie asks playfully at the same time Buck starts to say of course not. Chris nods his head, relaxing. “We wanted to talk with you about learning how to swim.”
“I don't want to, Dad. I told you. Maybe next year.” Chris sounds frustrated.
“Hey, Chris, that's fine but can you maybe tell us a little more about why you don't want to?”
“I don't like the water. At first it was okay, I didn’t mind it, but then I don't know. Now it reminds me of how scary it all was. It’s confusing, and when I’m in the pool, it feels weird… because I know you saved me, Buck, and I’m not really scared of drowning, but then you are not at the pool so I feel... I know I'm safe but I have this feeling… uh…”
“You know you are safe but you don't feel safe during the class?” Eddie supplies, trying to help his son verbalize his fears.
“Yes. That 's it.”
“Would it help if Dad or I were there?”
Chris sighs “Maybe. But I don't want to take baby classes. Only the babies have classes with their parents in the pool.”
“We don't want that either, superman. We were thinking we could try teaching you ourselves. Help you see that you don't need to be afraid, especially once you are comfortable swimming.”
“We could do that? Instead of classes?” Chris said hopefully.
“We can try. And that's all we ask, is that you try”
And as soon as he was back in the water Chris remembered how much he loved swimming. Not only loved, but he was actually very good at it. It was fun and the pride he felt when he finally learnt a new skill after training for a long time was unbeatable.
The water also just felt soothing, just floating helped his sore legs on the worst days, making his muscles relax a bit. When he needed a break they would skip their practice and have instead a ‘spa’ day. Just floating, playing, stretching and laughing.
But the best part was that the lessons brought on a playfulness between dad and Buck that Chris loved. They were competitive with each other, always trying to see who could come up with the best game or more creative way to explain a new exercise. Or they were just at ease, relaxing in their bubble, and working together. They were always at their best when they shared a goal and Chris would later understand how lucky he was to have his happiness be the biggest priority in Eddie and Buck's lives.
That first year of swimming lessons with dad and Buck became some of Chris' favorite memories. As an adult he would go back to those memories in harder days. And eventually as a father he tried to create moments with his children that felt exactly like that: like being wholeheartedly and unconditionally loved.
III - Before they turn the summer into dust
2024
Bobby was looking at Buck puzzled. He was clearly trying to be discreet but he was looking at the other man with a frown.
“Everything okay there, Cap?”
“Uh… sorry. None of my business, but did you shave your arms?”
“Oh that.” Buck laughed looking at his arms “it's because of a bet.”
“You lost a bet and had to shave your arms?”
“No, no. I am actually trying to win it.”
There was an awkward pause that stretched on, while everyone tried to figure out how that made sense. “Okay. I’ll bite. How come?” Chim sighs but he has a playful smile.
“Chris said he wanted to stop swimming now that he is in El Paso. So we made a bet, the first of us to beat his personal time in 100 meters freestyle wins. If he wins he can drop swimming. But until then he has a reason to be really focused on getting better and going to the pool.”
“And so… You shaved your arms to be faster?”
“Precisely. Shaved my whole body actually, skin smooth as a dolphin afterwards.” he grins, running his fingers mindlessly over his arms.
Eddie nearly chokes on his coffee at the comment.
“And did it help?”
“Not at all. I’m really rusty, haven’t swam regularly in a couple of years, since Chris resumed formal swimming lessons.”
“Are you training alone?” Hen asks eyeing Buck.
“Are you training with Tommy?” Eddie asks, his voice is calm but his facial expression betrays him, eyebrows raised in a concerned way. And Buck understands it… swimming was their thing. Their family thing. Eddie, Buck and Chris. A strange family unit, perhaps, but one nonetheless. Bringing Tommy into this it would… taint it in a way.
“Of course not.”
“Of courseeee noooot.” Hen teases, mimicking Buck’s outraged tone. “That would be so weird. Why would he be training with his boyfriend?”
“You know that you can have hobbies that are only yours? And not your boyfriends? Swimming is something we did with Chirs. It wouldn’t make sense to do it with Tommy.” he locks his eyes in Eddie’s, trying to uncover how he truly felt.
Hen and Chim exchange looks but don't push.
Eddie’s look had softened, but his expression remained close. He hesitated a bit before saying “I could help you. If you want. It’s for Chris, after all. I also want him to keep swimming. It has helped him so much with strength. And swimming ..swimming helps calm him when he’s anxious.”
“I know. I would really like your help, Eddie.”
Later, that evening, Buck felt like this might be a chance to encourage Chris to speak with his dad again with a bit more ease.
He knows that they have a zoom call every other day, and things are slowly getting better between both. Chris is still reluctant to come back home, and in part it's because of all that had transpired with his dad in the summer, but also - Buck suspected - because of how Eddie’s parents were dealing with the whole situation. They were not interested in helping Chris mend the relationship with his dad, if anything any chance they got they were ensuring the wedge between both deepened.
The Christopher Diaz Fan Club
Evan Buckley
chriiiiis, you better not be sleeping on our bet
cause in the past 24 hours Ive shaved to improve my aquadynamic and secured myself the best coach i know @/EdworldDayz
ChrisCrossApplesauce
eWWWWWWWWW
why is ur username ur actual name?
not even that cause its not even buck
Very sus
r u ok? is that ur way of telling us u were kidnapped
also
next time u should shave dads mustache instead
and im winning. been training almost everyday and Tia Adriana actually introduce me to a an adaptive swimming coach
EdworldDayz
Im with Chris
since when are you evan buckley? my eyes are bleeding
Glad you are swimming again, and with a proper coach!! very well!!
Evan Buckley
what do u mean???? since i was born??? thats my name
Tommy felt like it was a bit weird to be texting Buckaroo so I change it to my name
But this was about swimming and how Im beating chris
(but really happy ur aunt found resources for u!!!)
also u dont like the stache?!!!!!!!!
ChrisCrossApplesauce
U DO????
Evan Buckley
ill be pleading the fifth
EdworldDayz
If u win the bet ill shave the stache and Buck will change back to Buckaroo
but if buck wins u promise me you'll try family therapy like i asked
ChrisCrossApplesauce
ok
but know im rolling my eyes
gotta go have dinner
ttyl
EdworldDayz
ill survive
enjoy dinner
and dont forget… we r waiting for u when ur ready
love you
Buck and Eddie start to meet up at the pool on their days off. Eddie times him, looks out for his technique giving some suggestions every now and then. At the end they race each other just for fun and then sit by the pool just talking and relaxing a bit.
It feels good to have this new routine. It's something Eddie looks forward to every week, the highlight of his week, if he is being honest with himself. He loves to see Buck challenge himself, the determination in his eyes, the commitment to really try and beat his time. Especially since Eddie set the prize as Chris agreeing to go to family therapy with Eddie.
Going to family therapy had been Buck's suggestion, one that Eddie thought was scary but really important in healing his and Chris' relationship. He was already going to therapy twice a week by himself.
Working on his grief, his anxiety, his fears. He has a hard time putting into words what he is feeling but Dr. Gutierrez always seems to pick on his broken sentences and exasperated feelings and understand his point. And then nudge him a little, provokes him as she says, so that they can see if there is more to those feelings and scattered thoughts.
You have mentioned that something really important to you is that, as a parent, you are not like your own father and mother. You’re committed to breaking the cycle. How do you feel about Chris staying with them then?
I would like to go back to something you said. You mentioned that you felt like dating Ana and Marisol was a performance. In what ways? Do you feel like that in other relationships in your life?
You have mentioned Buck as your partner and co parent. As ‘your’ person. I understand that if something were ever to happen to you Chris would go to him. How do you see his role evolving in your life? And your role in his life.
Eddie hears it all and does his best to consider the conversations they are having and put into practice what he is learning. But he knows, at the end of the day, that progress depends on being honest and vulnerable, as frightening as that is.
So one month after his first session he says it.
“I’m gay.”
It's the first time he has said it out loud.
“Thank you for sharing this with me, Eddie. Is this a recent revelation for you or something you've known about yourself for a while?”
“Both…? I know it doesn't make a lot of sense. I think I knew when I was a teenager, but I didn't have a word for it. Just felt wrong and like I would be sinning if I even had thoughts like that so I pretended I didn't. And dated girls. Well, Shannon. And we slept together and I… uh.. I could do it, right, then I thought that meant I was not wrong. Cause I had been so afraid that I would not be able to uh… to have sex with her. But when she kissed me and touched me I felt good and I… I liked her, and made her feel good too. If I wasn’t straight, I thought I wouldn’t even be able to be with a woman that way, get her pregnant. That's what I thought at least. So after that to me it felt like that was sorted. I was straight, married with a child.”
“You no longer feel that way?”
“Not really… I don’t know. I know I am not attracted to women. I tried, but if feels like something I shouldn't have to try. To force. But I was attracted to Shannon, I think. At least partially. I’d say I’m not attracted to most men either. But it’s easier to… uh, picture myself with a man. I thinks that's what I'd want. But I feel like I’m all wrong because I can’t separate the attraction from wanting to like the person too. The thought of a random hookup with the hottest guy in the world does very little for me.”
“It’s okay to take your time with this journey. You’re allowed to make space for understanding yourself fully, at your own pace. You don't need to pressure yourself into a label.”
“I understand that… But it feels like I’ve wronged Shannon.”
“Acknowledging your sexual orientation does not invalidate the relationship you had with Shannon and its importance in your life. We’ve talked about her and your grief a lot this last month. Do you think it's possible that this just gives you perspective and insight on the relationships you had instead?”
“Perspective?”
“We've talked extensively about your fears in relationships. How you felt you had to perform. How you had issues connecting with your partners. You seemed certain about this stemming from faults you had. But could this be related to you hiding from your feelings?”
“Maybe…”
They talk a lot about this topic. Dr. Gutierrez encourages Eddie to be kind to himself, taking time to feel comfortable in his own skin. How he should not feel pressured to come out if that still made him feel on the verge of a panic attack. He reminds himself that no one is owed his sexual orientation. He can stay in this bubble a bit longer, trying to figure out who he is, detangle the feelings of shame and embarrassment.
After a few sessions, when Eddie is starting to feel comfortable discussing his feelings with Dr. Gutierrez, she asks him about Buck.
“How has accepting this part of yourself affected the way you see other aspects of your life—like your role as a father or as a friend to Buck, for instance?”
“Oh.”
Oh.
He’d been so focused on understanding how he felt in a general sense, that he had not even thought that accepting his sexuality meant that he would interact with the world in a different way. Allowing himself to feel attraction to real men, not figments of his imagination. To Buck, it seemed.
Eddie knew that he wanted to eventually come out to his friends, his family and, of course, Buck. However, he also knew that the first person he wanted to tell was Chris. But only after he came home. He wanted to heal his relationship with his son, do the work to heal himself, come out to his son, make sure he was okay with this revelation and that if he was not they could work together to address his concerns, and only after that he would be telling Buck. What he would be telling him was a whole separate issue.
But 2024 was the year of facing his fears, so he knows he'll need to tell Buck eventually.
What he did not anticipate was the realization that he was in love with Buck. Probably for a long time now.
He spirals, thinking how he was going to speak with Buck ever again when his phone starts to ring.
“Hey, Chris! How are you?”
“Good, Dad. And you?”
“Good too, better now that I'm speaking with you.”
Chris chuckles “You are so cringey. I'm calling cause… uh, I won the bet. I improved my best mark by 0.3 seconds. It's really good.”
“That's great, Chris. I'm really proud of you. I know how hard you worked. I guess I'll need to say goodbye to my mustache then uh.”
“I have been thinking Dad… maybe even if Buck lost the bet we could go to therapy. Together.”
“I'd really like that, Chris. I have a few names of therapists that offer zoom sessions, do you want to help pick one for us? I want you to be as comfortable as possible with this process.”
“Actually… actually I was thinking maybe we could do the sessions together. And I'd go home. If that's okay.”
“Nothing would make me happier.”
“And dad… Buck will be hearing about this lost for a while. Maybe you can let the mustache stay a bit longer, for emotional support.”
IV - Just take it slow, and move your feet to the beat
2025
Eddie feels like he is going to throw up.
He is seated in the bleachers, looking at the swimming pool, with a prayer on his lips. He has not prayed seriously in years, but his boy, his sweet little boy, is about to enter his first national swimming competition.
Chris is ready, he knows that, since he came back from El Paso 6 months ago, swimming went from a hobby to something he takes very seriously. He practices daily if he can, with a coach, and is excelling. He qualified for the nationals with ease, as if it were nothing. But Eddie might not be ready. He is growing up so fast, too fast, he feels him slipping through his fingers and just wants to hold on a bit longer.
Buck feels tension radiating from Eddie’s body. Without even thinking he presses their shoulders together and searches for Eddie’s eyes.
“Hey. He is going to be okay, Eddie. He is ready, and he knows it’s just his first competition. If it doesn’t go well, he’ll have other chances.” Buck strokes Eddie’s knee lightly, asking him to stop tapping his feet nervously. “We need to look happy and confident.”
“We are happy and confident, Buck.”
“Exactly. So stop looking like you are about to be sick.”
“I know. It just feels so… so real. He is really growing up.”
“He is. And we are lucky to witness it. And you know, what? Growing up comes with its perks too. He is a teenager now, you’ve been doing family therapy and are in a good place. I think it’s time Eddie Diaz starts to think about himself a bit. On what would make him happy.”
Eddie looks at Buck, he catches him off guard. “What do you mean?”
“I mean that the last thing you did for yourself, just because, was… I don't even know, grow a mustache? I think you should do something for you. Just for you.” Buck smiles, and it’s so big and bright, so genuine, “You should do something just because it makes you happy. I was thinking, would you like to go on a holiday? If you want to go by yourself, Chris could stay with me. Or maybe… uh… go back to dating? I am sure there is somewhere in L.A. someone that has not been terrorized by the horrible reputation Ana and Marsiol have rightfully been spread-.”
“I’m gay.”
There’s a moment of tense silence, followed by the sharp sound of the starting horn. Eddie cowardly avoids Buck's gaze, glues his eyes to Chris, seeing him start swimming at ease, in his happy place, overcoming all his fears and doubts. And Eddie just wishes he could be as brave as his son. He feels his eyes sting with tears, regretting the hasty confession. He had been postponing coming out to Buck, telling himself he should do it properly. At the right moment, like Buck deserved. He wanted to explain everything, how and when he had realized it, then why he needed to tell Chris first, and then… then confess his feelings. Even if Buck did not feel the same way, and he was pretty sure he did not, he had to tell the truth. He knew that much, at least. But now, the confession hangs between them with no context. He couldn’t hold back his tears any longer and just as they started flowing, he felt Buck’s hand reach for his and hold it. His skin warm, rough and calloused, his thumb circling the skin of the back of his hand. Eddie risks a look at Buck, tears well up in his eyes, as he looks at Chris swimming across the pool.
The race ends and Chris is pretty happy with this fourth place. Buck lets go of Eddie’s hand to clap for him, and cannot contain the pride in his boy. Eddie claps as well, the tears keep flowing, and he no longer is aware of why he is crying, he feels like his body cannot hold all the emotions he is feeling.
Buck gently wipes Eddie’s tears with his hand and looks him in the eye.
“Thank you, Eddie. We will talk more later, but now let’s focus on Chris.”
He feels the stress ease from his body as they make their way down to go meet Chris and his coach.
Chris is ecstatic. He loved everything about his first big competition. The performance aspect of swimming to an audience and trying to beat his adversaries. Making Dad and Buck proud, even before he entered the water. Feeling like he made it. The boy that was afraid of having swimming lessons, swims now well enough to compete. On a national level. But mostly, he loved meeting the other athletes, and in a matter of hours starting to form deep bonds and connections over their common experiences.
“I was wondering if I can go to John’s dinner?” Chris asks, when they are about to leave the sports center.
“Who 's, John?”
Chris rolls his eyes. “Jesus dad, were you even watching? John is the winner, he invited me to his dinner celebration.”
“I was only looking at you.” Eddie says ruffling Chris curls. “You can, but I’m picking you up no later than 10 p.m., okay?
“Sure.”
“Call us if you need anything.” Buck ads.
Chris is already halfway to his group of friends when he turns to nod and give a thumbs up in a universal gesture that yes, he will call them if he needs anything.
Buck and Eddie leave the sports center and look at each other. Eddie holds his breath, looking at Buck. “There’s a park close by, can we go and talk a bit?”
Buck nods and follows Eddie’s footsteps until they arrive at the park. They sit together in a silence that's heavier than usual, this one is charged and electric, filled with the anticipation of what’s to come.
“So.” Eddie starts. Tense again, feeling the heavy weight of his confession.
“So indeed.” Buck teases. “Please relax Eddie. You don’t have to tell me anything you do not want to. And if you do want to tell me anything, I am your best friend, please do not look at me like you are nauseated.”
Eddie smiles and relaxes a bit. He focuses his gaze in his hands, unable to look Buck in the eyes while he speaks. “I’m gay, Buck. I guess.. I guess I’ve always been, but only figured it out last year.. When Chris was in Texas and I was doing therapy. It was… It was a lot to process. To try to understand what that meant for me, for the relationship I had with Shannon, for my future. It was hard work, but it was… it was really good. To finally admit that, to finally allow myself to be… Just be. No faking, no performing, no posturing. I… I really wanted Chris to be the first one to know. I told him a few months ago, when we were finally in a good place after starting family therapy. He was… He was incredible. Like he always is. I don’t even know how I still get surprised. He understood and was very mature. I think he saw how much I was hurting, and how torn I was keeping this secret.” Eddie feels Buck’s hand rest between his shoulder blades, gentle, bringing him close. “That was not my only realization, though.”
“Look at me Eddie.” Buck’s voice was soft, his hand tentatively on Eddie’s chin, raising his face until their eyes found each other.
“I’m in love with you, Buck.” Eddie feels Buck’s lips, soft, tender and sweet, kiss him. Buck moves back, separating them, and looks at Eddie hopeful. “I don’t believe I get to be this happy, Buck.”
They kiss again, but this time they make up for the lost time.
V - Feel the rain on your skin
2028
Buck is looking at Izzy and wondering why he ever thought that having another child would be a good idea. Sure, they are cute and adorable when they are babies, but then eventually they turn two. And everything is a challenge.
So, he is actually asking himself if he is going to be late to watch his son compete in the 2028 Paralympic games because Izzy decided that, of course, she is going to be the one fastening the car seat harness. Not Papa, definitely not Daddy. And if Daddy so much as tries to do it she starts screaming.
“Go away!! Izzy do, Izzy knows, Daddy.”
Great.
“Sweet pea, we can't be late today. Don't you want to see Chris swim? Don't you want to see Papa not divorce Daddy? We really can't be late “
Hearing Chris' name makes her giggle and clap.”Chrissss!!” Claps are good, clapping gives Buck an opening to grab the harness and quickly lock it in place.
“No!! Izzy do!”
“Hey Izzy, I know you can do it. But we really need to get going, okay? Do you want to hear music, we can sing together?
“Paw Pat’ol!!”
“Yes, we can hear the Paw Patrol song. Just don't forget Marshall is your favorite.”
“Noooooo. Skye!!” The little girl replies with a mischievous grin.
They finally start the drive and if it's between hearing Izzy cry for 30 minutes or listening to a 30 seconds theme song on repeat for the same amount of time, Buck guesses that the song is the slightly better option.
When they arrive they expect to meet Eddie, who had been accompanying Chris, but are instead greeted by the two of them.
“Chrissssss!! Papa!!”
“What's going on? Thought you'd already be inside, Chris.”
“I… I'm nervous. What if I come last? And why would my first Paralympics have to be in L.A.? Everyone I know will be here.”
“To support you, Chris. To cheer for you. No matter the outcome.” Eddie reassures him, and Buck can see in his eyes that this is probably the 100th time that he has told this to Chris today.
“He's right. We are all here because we are incredibly proud of you and what you've already achieved. Don't get me wrong, I fully believe that you have this in the bag, but if you don't, that's more than okay and I won't be any less proud.”
“All he'e” Izzy repeats, trying to mimic her parents tone. Then, looking at Chris ads “Penny he'e?”
Penny? Chris' befriend, Penny? Of course she was here. TThey did everything together, and then it hits him… oh.
“You are blushing, Christopher! You like, Penny?” Buck was in disbelief, how did he miss that.
And lowering his eyes, in a muted tone, Chris confirms with a quiet yes.
“Chris, she will be so proud of you no matter what.”
“What if I come in last, and look stupid?”
“Chris you are competing at the Paralympics, what do you mean? You will not look stupid, you are already among the best in the world. So, I say, go give your best. And no matter what those who love you, including Penny, will be proud and cheering for you. Wouldn't you be proud of her regardless? Do not think less of her than what you think of you.”
“I guess so.” Chris takes a deep breath and gets ready to go back inside, where his coach was most likely waiting for him.
“One last thing. The Diaz have a good track record of confessing their feelings after swimming competitions. Maybe ask Penny out after.”
Chris blushed, “I'll think about that, Buck.”
Eddie led Buck and Izzy to their seats, soon they were met by Abuela, Pepa, Adriana and Sophia, all sporting matching shirts with Chris' face on them. No longer after the rest of their family arrived, Maddy and Chimney with Jee-Yun and Daniel, Hen and Karen with Mara and Denny, Carla, and Bobby and Athena who now had Izzy seated between them trying to clip her bow to Bobby's head.
When the race was about to start Penny arrived running, cheeks flushed, hair disheveled and eyes bright, she greeted everyone and took her place close to Buck.
“Everything okay, Penny?” Eddie asks looking at her with some concern, they head known her now for a couple of years and she was usually very well kept together.
As the horn resonated through the arena, Penny looked at Eddy and Buck, “Chris asked me out. And I kissed him.” her eyes widened when she notices she has shared more than what she intended to.
Eddie and Buck smiled knowingly at each other, just as the race was about to start the three of them fixed their gaze on the pool, following Chris' every move.
He won the race. His best time ever.
Buck and Eddie looked at each other and shed a few tears while smiling at how proud they were of their son.
Everything was going to be alright.
VI - Summerchild that sits by the water
2038
Christopher has been speaking with the interviewer for about 35 minutes, discussing his career, his activism, the work he has carried out in the past decade. He feels comfortable and at ease, he always liked public speaking and taking his visibility to talk about the issues that matter the most.
“But let's go back to beginning. How did you start swimming?”
“Swimming started, funny enough, with not drowning. I could say it's about surviving the tsunami, but it's mostly about the two men who made sure I survived and then thrived. My dads.”
“You were at the pier, almost 20 years ago. Most would have sworn off swimming. Anything with water, really. But not you.”
“Oh no. I did as well.” Chris' laugh echoes in the room. “Quit my swimming lessons as fast as I could and told my dad I would not go back.”
“But you eventually did.”
“Yes. But only because I had the right support system. They met me where I was. I was afraid of the pool so they made sure that I knew I was safe. That I felt as safe as I was.”
“How?”
“They stepped right there in with me. Two men, working full time, shifts, hard and demanding work, but they still made sure that every week I went to the pool and enjoyed it. Those are now some of the best memories I have from my childhood.”
“And that was it: you fell in love with swimming and have been doing it ever since?”
“In broad terms, yes. But then I fell in love with competing. I had a bet with Buck m-”
“Buck?”
“My stepfather. We bet on who could beat their own best time first. And I wanted to win really bad. I was thirteen I believe, and became passionate about besting myself, even more than winning the bet. After that I registered for all the competitions I could and everything went from there.”
“It seems like they are your biggest fans.”
“They are. They made sure I always knew that no adversity or setback defined me. I could go further and do whatever I wanted, be whomever I wanted, and they would be there with me. Cheering, supporting. Making sure I always knew I was safe and loved.”
When the interview is printed Buck and Eddie read it together in their bed, Eddie with his cold feet tucked under Buck's warm legs. They cry together, proud of how much their son has accomplished, but mostly in awe at the men they raised.
They get to be this happy.