Work Text:
Britain’s Got Magic is huge on TikTok, naturally, but that account is exclusively for the brand. Sam has a personal TikTok as well, less scripted or produced, consisting of charmingly disorganized anecdotes, thoughtful well-wishes to her followers, and short clips of her adorable teacup pig.
After a few months, her followers start to suspect that she’s using her TikToks to do magic.
After watching each kind, gentle video, her most dedicated followers begin to notice small changes in their lives. Their pants don’t get wet when they walk in the rain. Their mugs don’t shatter when they drop them. The shopping carts they choose at the grocery store never have a wobbly wheel. These coincidences pile up in the comments of her TikToks, though plenty of people are skeptical that magic could be cast via an app. But the true believers start to comb through her videos, looking for repeated phrases, trying to find hints of the spell they know exists.
It is that attentive community, seeking evidence of the loving, protective spell that Sam is weaving over them, that first assembles the lore about her incredibly cursed boyfriend.
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TikTok
@SamBritain - December 2 4:10 p.m.
520,000 views 80,000 likes
Sam is walking in the London snow; which is to say, walking in the gray, miserable sleet. She’s holding a phone in one hand and gesturing with the other, and someone is holding an umbrella steady over her head. The bearer cannot be seen.
“The thing I always forget about snow is that sometimes you need an umbrella,” she says. She gestures at the background, turning her phone slightly. The handle of the umbrella comes into view, as well as the hand bearing it. It is pale, with a scarred knuckle on the thumb. “I spent most of last winter in Australia for Britain’s Got Magic Down Under, so I didn’t have to deal with it. And when I was in Sweden, the snow was light and fluffy and beautiful. I made a snowman and brought it to - no, let me be clear, I didn’t bring it to life. I had it walk around and do a dance. I didn’t give it life, because it really stresses inanimate objects out if you do that. Anyway, that snow was great. This snow is a challenge.
“So this is me, officially soliciting tips for what I’m supposed to do if I need to walk on these goddamn cobblestones in this nasty weather. Do I use snowshoes? Rainboots? Neither of those seems exactly right, but I know my Choos aren’t cutting it.” She tilts the camera down to her feet, perfectly manicured in beautiful, strappy heels, then back up to her face. “Ya girl is cold.”
“Anyway, stay dry and safe, London. It’s slippery out here! So don’t break your necks. Or your legs. Or, uh.” And here she turns her head to the right, speaking directly to the umbrella-bearer for the first time. “What’s the easiest bone to break?”
“Fingers,” comes the immediate reply. “It barely takes any force, just a firm grip and some leverage. They won’t even realize what’s happening until it’s too late.”
Sam’s smile flickers for a moment. “No, like, by accident.”
“Ohhhhh, you mean one of your own bones. Clavicle.”
Sam turns her smile back to the camera. “Don’t break your clavicles. Have a great day, and see you next time!”
390 comments
Lillemons1999: Aww who’s holding her umbrella? I need a man like that.
IrishReunification2024: A man who knows too much about breaking bones?
Charlotte XOXO: Why did he assume she meant breaking someone else’s bones?
Miles01488216: Feet at 0:51
Natasha Boymom: SAM I LOVE YOU but your man is kinda scary.
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TikTok
@SamBritain - December 23, 11:42 a.m.
690,000 views 140,000 likes
Sam Britain sits on a couch; not the dark purple, velvety couch her fans have come to recognize, but a well-loved blue couch in an unfamiliar room. Tiny multicolored lights shine on her face from a nearby Christmas tree. The song “Sweetest Taboo” plays softly in the background.
“Hey everyone, how’s it going? I’m in the United States, visiting my family for the holidays. Mom, say hi!” Sam turns her head and starts to tilt the phone towards a well-lit and homey - albeit cluttered - kitchen.
A middle-aged woman with shoulder-length grey braids and Sam Britain’s cheeks scowls from within. “Samantha Butler, you better not put me on the TikToks!”
Sam jerks the phone back into position in front of her own face. “Wouldn’t dream of it, Mom!” she says, mouthing oops at the camera. “So before I left, I was lucky enough to get Sade on the show to talk about music, magic, and support for the trans community. I told her how much my mom loves her - I mean we all do, but my mom really, really loves her.
Sam pauses, turning her head to the side, and coughs delicately into her hand. She grimaces, eyes watering. “Excuse me! Anyway, so Sade asked about my mom, and what her favorite album is, and where she lives, and you’re not going to—” Sam turns to the side and coughs again. “Sorry, guys.”
From the left, a pale hand emerges with a glass of water.
Sam beams at them. “Thank you, babe!” She takes a sip and hands it back.
The hand pulls away, but the shadow remains for a full second before following.
Sam continues, “So this arrived at my mom’s house today.” She holds up the album Promise by Sade, the record’s title clearly visible. But where Sade’s face had been before, someone has painted Sam’s face in stunning detail. “Did you all know she could paint? She’s so good! And she wrote the sweetest note on the back, let me read it to you.
“It says, ‘Dear Jackie, your daughter speaks so highly of you. I do not usually grant interviews, let alone TV appearances, but Sam—”
A brown hand with green and red nails gently pulls the album from Sam’s hands. “It’s a beautiful letter,” her mother says gently but firmly. “And it is between me, Jesus, and Sade.”
“You got it, Mom.” Sam appears unphased by this turn of events, gesturing towards the album as if that had been her plan all along. “Sade has a new album out and I don’t know if her visual art is commercially available, but if it is, you should check it out. Merry night before the night before Christmas, don’t get a sick on an airplane, have a great day, and see you next time!”
428 comments
Miriam Rose: If Sade painted a picture of me I would die on the spot.
kikimarie: Sam I swear I watched this before my flight and it was the first time I didn’t get sick on the airplane! How'd you do that??
Qtgirlieboise: your mom is so cute!!!
Echinacea Queen: If you have a cough you have to try my special echinacea-mango tea! DM me and I’ll send you a box for free, Sam!
Charlotte XOXO: Did anyone else see that guy’s shadow?
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TikTok
@SamBritain - January 10, 6:16 p.m.
1.6M views, 830,000 likes
Sam Britain sits resplendent in the back seat of a car. Her wig is shimmering black, gold, silver, and blond, curled delicately and deliberately around her face and shoulders. She wears lashes shot through with subtle strands of gold. Shimmers of silver highlight the curves of her cheeks, lips, and eyes. She wears a deceptively simple silk black dress beneath it, cut low to reveal ample cleavage glinting with gold. It is one of very few videos in which she is not smiling.
“Hey everyone, I hope you’re doing better than me! I’m on my way to the opening of The Taste of Air but apparently someone transmogrified a chunk of the highway into a gigantic trampoline, which is not something you can safely drive on, and now we’re all gridlocked until they can turn it back.”
“This is exactly the whimsical bullshit we were trying to stop,” says an increasingly-familiar voice at her side.
“Yeah, I mean, look. You know I wanted magic to be for the people. I fought for it. I risked my life, and my best friends’ lives, for it. And I’m so proud of y’all for figuring new things out! That’s wonderful! But I really need you to think about the impact this will have on your fellow human beings. Because sure, I’m not trying to get to the hospital or anything, but I do have something I was really supposed to do today. And this dress is cute but it was not made with a car ride in mind, and I’ve had to pee for forty minutes, and I have a headache because the guy behind us keeps honking. Whoever did this might have made something funny for themself, but they made something kind of miserable for everyone else on the 405, which was already pretty bad. And now it’s basically one of the layers of Hell.”
“Hell’s not that bad anymore,” says the voice. “Just humid.”
“Well, yeah, but this could replace it.” She sighs heavily as another car starts honking. “I really wish they realized more noise isn’t helping anything. And let’s be clear: could I help? Could I fix this situation? Maybe. It’s not like my specialty or anything but with help? Almost definitely. But I’m over a mile away from it, and I don’t have wings or a broom or anything. And walking in the car exhaust would definitely mess up my hair, which Shantelle worked really hard on. Oh, and speaking of that, everyone should follow Shantelle, I’ll put a link in the description.
“But the problem with a traffic jam like this is that even if I fix the whole trampoline situation, there’s still a million cars between here and there, and traffic doesn’t just repair itself immediately. Magic, like traffic, has cascading effects. Please, please, consider them and don’t cast in ways that hurt people.” She adjusts her dress and looks out the window, frowning. “Guillermo, if you’re watching this, or if anyone watching this is tight with Guillermo, I’m so sorry and I’m trying to get there as quick as I can! If anyone with wings or a helicopter or something wants to come get us, feel free. In the meantime, I hope your hair looks as good as mine and please, please don’t use magic recklessly. Have a great day, see you next time”
5,588 comments
Joe7827437: ppl can do waht they want w magic
4,502 replies
Wigs by Shantelle: Sam tysm for the shout out! I am accepting appointments and orders in the LA area! Unless you want to take me to London.
Sam Britain: Girl you know I’m gonna book you for London, we’ll talk.
Silly Goose: What the entire fuck is going on with that white boy?
LAPD: Sam, thank you so much for your help in resolving this issue! We’d love to feature you on our channel.
Sam Britain: No.
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TikTok
@SamBritain - February 20, 8:20 p.m.
4.0M views, 1.1M likes
Sam sits on her purple couch at home, wearing sweatpants and a “Mess with the goat, get the horns” t-shirt. She is, as always, making them look really good. She smiles serenely before speaking.
“Hey everyone, I hope you’re all feeling amazing! I wanted to address the whole thing with Haliey Welch, who y’all might know as the Hawk Tuah girl. Haliey, I hold nothing against you, girl, it’s hard out there. And I’m sure you were talking about some other pig, not my beloved T2.” A beautiful teacup pig hops onto the couch beside Sam, nuzzling her. “Aww, baby. She wasn’t talking about you!”
Terminator 2 looks straight into the camera for a moment, his eyes gleaming with what almost appears to be - but no, he’s back to snuffling at Sam’s shoulder affectionately.
“But she did provide me with a really useful opportunity to talk about misconceptions! You may have heard that pigs are dirty. But as you all can see, T2’s fur is combed and clean. His hooves - and you can see, they’re hooves, she said feet but they are definitely hooves - are clean and manicured. Pigs can get dirty, certainly, but so can dogs. So can people! No animal is naturally dirty. We all get dirty and clean as needed.” She pauses, squinting at something in the distance. “Except for those fish. I just heard about a really slimy fish, but I forgot its name.”
T2 prances on the sofa next to her, holding out one front hoof, then the other. Both are painted emerald green.
“I’ll ask about it later,” Sam continues. “Now, some people might have incorrectly said that pigs eat garbage, or even that they eat people! Well, T2 eats vegetables and grains, with occasional treats like fruits, yogurt, eggs, and nuts. Today, T2 had a breakfast of romaine lettuce, corn, zucchini, and a few unsalted almonds. He’s not much for lunch, so he had a few blueberries and - “
A door opens out of the shot and Sam looks up in surprise. “Forget something?” she asks.
“My raincoat.” That familiar masculine voice, slightly muffled, speaks just off screen. Another door opens and the sounds of clattering and rustling are heard.
“You won’t need that in Sacramento.”
“It’s not for rain.”
“OK!” Sam smiles back at the camera, letting that slide right by her with ease, and then turns to face him fully, shifting her entire body to the side. “Hey, before you go, what’s that slimy fish you were telling me about?”
“The hagfish.”
“Thanks! Love you! Mwah!” She turns back to the camera, settling back onto the couch. “Hagfish might naturally be dirty, but that’s not their faults, it’s a defense mechanism. Anyway, as you can see, T2 doesn’t eat trash. He won’t even do french fries, which is good, because salt is really bad for pigs. As for eating people? Well, my boy has pretty strong opinions about everyone he meets. Let’s just say I’d be facing a hell of a lot of lawsuits if he was capable of eating people.”
Terminator 2 hops onto Sam’s lap and poses prettily, batting his eyes at the camera.
“Anyway, Haliey, if you have any other questions about pigs, I’d be happy to answer them! I think they’re great pets and they don’t deserve to be maligned on your podcast. But please, Sam squad, don’t be mean about this. I’m sure she made an honest mistake, and everyone deserves a chance to learn and grow. Stay open-minded and understanding, everyone. Don’t accidentally insult anyone. Have a great day, and see you next time!”
10,455 comments:
Henson Studios: Miss Piggy thanks you for setting the record straight. She’d love to come on the show sometime!
Sam Britain: YES! My guy will call you!
Charlotte XOXO: not the boyfriend saying this two days before the CEO of MagiTeck was turned inside-out in Sacramento…
Itsybitsyspider: yeah but he’s clearly back by February 22, at roughly the time he should have been flaying that guy, so it couldn’t have been him.
Garashir is canon: Who is he and how do I get a protective charm against him.
Shawn Boerum: Hawk Tuah gonna get turned inside out by the #cursedwhiteboy if she don’t apologize to that pig yesterday
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TikTok
@SamBritain - March 5, 11:02 p.m.
2.9M views, 900,000 likes
Sam sits against some kind of railing, a dark night sky stretching out behind her. The image sways slightly, as if moved by waves, and the sound of water can be heard in the background. Sam is smiling broadly at the phone in her hand, cheeks flushed.
“Hey beautiful people! I’m so sorry, I didn’t expect this gig to be a you’re-on-the-boat-all-night sort of thing! I was gonna do something when I got home but that’s gonna be after midnight, and this doesn’t work unless I do it every day. So I’m gonna hang out on the… do you call this the deck?”
“Yes.” The voice is different from her past videos, less muffled or subdued.
“On the deck. So the thing is that I signed an NDA to come to this birthday party, not for sketchy reasons but because no one’s supposed to know how old the birthday girl is. Which, I mean, who cares if you’re 40? We’re all gonna be 40.”
“Unless you die,” says the voice.
Sam nods and gestures at the rest of the boat. “Sure, yeah, but if you’re having a birthday party, you didn’t die!”
“Or unless you get stuck in a time loop before you’re 39.”
Sam stops smiling and becomes very still, eyes widening in fear.
“It’s not a time loop,” he says quickly and earnestly. “I promise it’s not a time loop.”
She exhales audibly, body relaxing, smile returning to her face. “Anyway, I’m not in a time loop and I can’t talk about this party because that’s illegal for silly reasons. So instead, I’m just going to reply to a few comments that have been on my mind! Full disclosure, I have had two glasses of champagne! Except it wasn’t champagne! It was a French 75, which has more alcohol than regular champagne! Some champagne cocktails have less but hoo boy, not this one! I’m done for the night but I am still a little tipsy.”
“It’s very cute.” He sounds like he means it. He sounds like he’s smiling.
“You’re very cute,” Sam retorts quickly, and they both dissolve into giggles. “You’re all very cute! So many cute followers with so many cute comments! OK, so Evan’s gonna help me with…” Another phone appears on the screen, held out by a pale hand with a scarred thumb. “Thank you! OK, comments! I am aware that I am saying ‘advertisement’ wrong. That’s because I am American and I can’t say it with a British accent. I have an American accent. If I was going to get another accent, it wouldn’t be a British one! It would be Welsh.”
“Full offense to the Brits,” says the man who is, presumably, Evan.
“No!” says Sam, holding up her hands. “No offense to anybody! Your accents are all wonderful. But I’m going to keep saying ‘ad-ver-TISE-ment.’ Next comment is a, uh, Melanie wants to know if they can use magic to make their nails stronger. Yeah, probably!” Sam looks toward Evan, then back at the camera. “Definitely. Good luck! You got this and I believe in you! There’s, here, bring it back.”
Evan’s entire shoulder comes into the frame. He is tall and lanky, dressed in a well-made leather jacket over nondescript black pants. He keeps an arm outstretched for her, holding the phone so she can read from the screen.
“Oh, ok, yes. A lot of people want to know if we canceled Nikki’s appearance on the show because we have beef. We absolutely don’t, I had something come up where there was an evil ghost. Nikki and I have a great show planned for the summer. Uh, same question about Jared Leto. We do not have beef but he gave T2 the ick, so he will not be appearing on the show. Again, no offense.”
“Hmm,” Evan makes a noncommittal noise beside her.
She elbows him gently at the hip. “This is like a group comment, or a summary of a whole bunch of comments. I get a lot of questions about if I can get this person on the show, or when we’re gonna have someone on. You gotta ask Jamie. I’ll put his email address in the description. Jamie, are you on TikTok? Probably not. Sorry, Jamie! You’re the best!
“Last one,” Sam says, straightening up and reaching for Evan’s hand, pulling it and his phone close. “And this one is kinda serious. Parker says, ‘Sam, your videos have been one of the only things supporting me this month. I came out last month and since then I’ve been getting bullied at school and church. My dad says that if I don’t stop talking like this he’s going to kick me out. I feel so alone except for when I see your videos. I know you’re not making them for me but thank you so much.’”
“Oh,” says Evan softly, pulling his phone back to look more closely.
Sam looks directly at the camera, expression grave. “Parker, I’m absolutely serious here: I am making all of these for you. I am doing this for anyone who feels like Parker. None of you are alone. I am thinking about you and I am sending you my energy, and I am doing work for you, I promise I am. Someone cares about you so much that they’re thinking about you every day, even without meeting you face to face. And I’m going—”
“Sam, it’s Arianna,” whispers Evan suddenly, urgently. He puts his phone in his pocket.
Sam turns to look, then turns back to the figure at her side. “Do you think she’s still—”
“Yes,” he says. “I’m gonna go.”
“I’m right behind you, baby.” She reaches out to touch his side briefly, then drops her hand. “But I do want to finish talking to Parker about her shitty dad.”
“She could eat him,” suggests Evan.
Sam makes an expression of slight disgust. “I’m not sure that would work out well for her.”
At that point in the video, Evan walks out of the frame. Most viewers hear nothing. But anyone with particularly good hearing - or the right audio editing software - can hear Evan mumble as he walks out of frame, “It worked fine for me.”
Sam looks back into the camera. “Parker,” she says, and something seems to resonate within her voice, something ancient and true and impossibly kind. “Your father is being small, foolish, and cowardly. I hope one day he grows, but today, you deserve better. You deserve support. It’s an honor to provide it for you.”
“Saaaaam!” calls a female voice from the distance. “Oh my god, Sam, how are you?”
“Hi!” Sam waves at the voice, then looks at the camera once more. “I hope that all of your dads are a little nicer to you today, and if they’re not, I hope it cuts less deeply. And you know what? I hope you all become comfortable with milestone birthdays. Don’t get stuck in a time loop, have a great day, and see you next time!”
31,917 Comments:
Parker090809: I’m crying, this means so much to me. Thank you!!!!
Rhys B: Incredible W for Wales, thank you Sam.
Kikimarie: “This doesn’t work unless I do it every day!” That’s definitive proof she’s adhering to one of the new rules of magic: consistent, daily steps.
Charlotte XOXO: GIRL WHO CARES DID HER BOYFRIEND EAT HIS DAD?
IrishReunification2024: #CursedWhiteBoy name drop. He’s so sweet!
Charlotte XOXO: NOT TO HIS DAD
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K walked into the kitchen as Sam was unloading the dishwasher and Evan was making pancakes. “Evan, I regret to inform you that you’re famous.”
“No,” he said plainly, staring at the pan as bubbles slowly rose in the pancake batter.
“Yes,” they said, holding up a tablet.
“I’m cooking,” he said, eyes still fixed on the pan.
K sighed and turned to Sam, bringing the tablet close to her face. “The hashtag CursedWhiteBoy is trending on TikTok as well as Twitter.”
Hope and resignation battled for control of Sam’s face. “That could be anybody.”
“Baby, you know that’s me.” Evan flipped the pancake, revealing a perfect, golden-brown disc.
Resignation won. Sam read a few comments silently, then took a mug directly from the dishwasher, setting it on the kitchen counter. “Fuck. Do you want coffee?” she asked K.
“No thank you,” said K politely, declining to explain that Sam’s coffee was too weak to drink. “There’s a Discord server dedicated to finding out more about him. I’m sowing misinformation within, but some of them are pretty good. They made the MagiTeck connection immediately, and people keep mentioning Gowpenny.”
“Shit.” Sam put four aggressive scoops of ground coffee beans into the coffeemaker - maybe it would be drinkable after all. “I’m sorry, Evan. This wouldn’t be happening if I didn’t talk you into that party.”
Evan slowly, carefully lifted the pancake from the pan, sliding it onto a plate. He poured another quarter cup of batter into the pan. “Someone from Galamanis was going to post a comment eventually. Half of them already followed you before we showed up there.”
“I’ve seen some of Tallulah’s videos, actually! They have potential,” Sam said politely.
“Evan’s right,” K continued, typing another misdirection into the #CursedWhiteBoy server. “But you do need to take control of this before they dig into anything that shouldn’t be out in the open.”
“CursedWhiteBoy is a preferable hashtag to MagicMurderer, for sure,” agreed Evan mildly. “K, do you want pancakes?”
“Sure. Want me to make bacon?” K asked.
Evan knew how to make pancakes, eggs over medium, banana bread, snickerdoodles, grilled cheese sandwiches, and Sam’s mother’s macaroni and cheese. He had, admittedly, perfected all of them. However, he had yet to find a way to handle raw meat without causing serious problems for both the meat and any potential consumers. “Not for me. Sam?”
“I’m good. Ok, time for a boyfriend hard launch.” Sam tapped her nails absently along a coffee mug that says Muggle Pride. “It’s such a tough week for it. Ideally we’d go somewhere cute, like the beach or something. But I’m on set all week, and Wednesday night I have—“ She blinked, looking up suddenly. “Evan? How do you feel about the British museum?”
“Strongly negative, but as long as no one asks questions about how all their mummies ended up back in Egypt, we should be fine. Why? Also,” he turned to point at K. “Chocolate chips?”
“Please,” they said, taking a seat at the table. “Sam, you’re right. Wednesday’s probably your best option. Evan will need a haircut.”
“And a tux,” said Sam. “You don’t have to do this if you don’t want to.”
“What I want—“ Evan delicately dropped a few chocolate chips into the batter, letting them settle to the bottom before flipping the pancake over. “—Is to support you in any and every way I can. I would kill and die for you. A haircut is nothing. I want whatever helps you.”
K did not make any snarky comments, even though they thought about them so hard that they nearly bubbled up from the floor.
“And to avoid prison for all of the crimes,” Evan added.
“Working on it,” said K as they clicked over to Reddit. Between the two of them, the Pink Pals had this covered.
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TikTok
@BBC, March 8 6:01 p.m.
160,000 views, 7,000 likes
The camera spans across a massive crowd lining both sides of Great Russell Street, up to the velvet ropes marking a clear corridor. A woman in a beautiful ball gown walks up the path towards the columns of the British museum, waving amidst the sea of flashbulbs. An even, posh female voice speaks over the sight. “This is Danni with BBC One, attending the opening of the first-ever public display of wonders from the Wizarding World.”
The video cuts to a middle-aged white man with a brown ponytail and glasses. He adjusts his bowtie, visibly uncomfortable. A caption reads Norman Boodle, Wizard Historian. “I, ah, well, the British Museum was the best place for them because quite frankly you already had several hundred of them from various cultures. You just had to pull them out of storage. I wanted to avoid shipping anything in the mail, as several of them react rather negatively to that sort of thing.”
The video switches to an older man in a tweed suit. The caption reads Benjamin Smith, Head Curator of the Wizarding World Exhibit. “Norman and I have worked together closely to ensure the artifacts displayed within are historically relevant, varied in form and function, and most importantly, safe for those of us with no inclination to engage with the volatile and confusing force of magic.”
The video cuts back to Dr. Boodle. “Well, no, we didn’t have any museums, not exactly. Gowpenny Academy served functionally as a library and museum to students and alumni alike, though of course it wasn’t available to the public for obvious reasons. The idea of displaying them like this is, well. There are some complicated politics at hand, and putting a lot of artifacts in one place… Well, if they’re going to be displayed, I’ve been assured that this is the safest place to do it.”
Influencer Sam Britain, wearing a sparkling pink gown, appears beaming on the screen. “Oh, no. I don’t know much about magical artifacts, but if one of them feels like chatting, I’d be happy to have it on the show!”
Dr. Smith appears again, smiling proudly. “It’s an historic exhibition for a myriad of reasons. I’m thrilled to be a part of history.”
Sam Britain frowns at the camera in confusion. “Sure, yeah, they’ll talk if you’re nice.”
Dr. Smith chuckles condescendingly. “Of course the artifacts can’t speak.”
The camera cuts back to the wide view. The host speaks calmly and quietly. “We’ll be bringing you the highlights from this historic evening.”
488 Comments
StrongConrad00: Dr Boodle kinda hot.
Chris E: British Museum found another culture to pillage and got right to it. Disgusting.
LegolandHamster: IS THAT SAM BRITAIN
Tony Danza: Sam, I can’t wait to see you bring a magical artifact on your show!
HorseD1ck6969: I can’t believe this has so few views, this is basically a historical document, likely of greater importance than anything in that fake-ass exhibit.
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TikTok
@EntertainmentTonight, March 8, 6:09 p.m.
510,640 views, 160,000 likes
A woman in a cream colored dress, bearing a large red microphone, rushes up the steps after her quarry. “Sam Britain! Sam Britain! Entertainment Tonight, can we have a word?”
Sam turns, immediately smiling. She looks beautiful in a long, side-slit pink gown, with long, straight hair. A pale, dark-haired man in a perfectly tailored tuxedo stands rigid at her side, his posture somehow reminiscent of a guard dog.
“Hi!” Sam says. “What’s your name?”
“Janine Rubenstein, Entertainment Weekly. Sam, how does it feel to be here as your culture is shown to the masses for the first time?”
“Oh! No, I’m from Oregon. I went to Gowpenny for one year. And then I saved magic, but like, I don’t think it counts.” Sam beams at the camera.
“Fascinating! Sam, what are you most excited to see here?” The reporter holds out the microphone for her.
“Well, I don’t know what kind of things you have. But the last time I met a magical artifact it was friendly, but kind of intense. So I guess I hope that some of them are kind of chill and that maybe one of them wants to talk to Jamie about getting on the show.”
Janine hesitates for just a moment. “Sam, who do you have with you today?”
“This is my partner, Evan Kelmp!” Sam pulls him close, tilting her head towards him, an expression of pride and adoration on her face. “We met at Gowpenny and he doesn’t have to talk to you.”
“Oh, um. I see!” Janine holds the microphone out to him. “And Evan, are you—“
Evan brings his mouth too close to the microphone, and his answer is muffled by feedback. “I don’t have to talk to you.”
Sam steps forward, smoothly placing herself between them. “Thanks so much, Janine! We’ll see you inside!”
6,063 comments:
Morticia Addams: Janine RUN
Wigs by Shantelle: That’s my girl!!! I want you all to know that her wig held up through the entire event including the thing with the monster. I’m accepting appointments in London for the next 2 months!
Charlotte XOXO: Ok the #CursedWhiteBoy is weirdly cute.
StrongConrad00: “I don’t have to talk to you” so powerful you know this man is a FREAK in the sheets
Chelsea Marie: You're disgusting, this man is a freak everywhere.
StrongConrad00: Some of us aren’t cowards, Chelsea.
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TikTok
@BBC, March 8, 6:11 p.m.
1.9M views, 870,000 likes
Norman Boodle, Wizard Historian, stands just beside the stairs of the British Museum, speaking softly with a pale young man in a tuxedo. He gestures at the doors of the museum, then at the sky. The younger man nods slowly, gaze moving across the crowd. It passes smoothly across the cameras, making contact for a moment, then moving on.
In the next shot, both stand stiffly in front of the camera, glancing at each other in clear discomfort.
“Well, no, I don’t think there’s much controversy in it,” says Dr. Boodle, Wizard Historian. “We really didn’t give the museum much for the collection. I gave them a family portrait and a textbook, if I recall. It was literally a matter of looking through artifact storage and identifying anything that had been overlooked.”
The cameras cut to Evan Kelmp, Wizard, who stands silently, once again looking past the camera to scan the crowd.
“And you, Mr. Kelmp?” the faceless presenter asks. “Do you have thoughts on this unique exhibition?”
“I don’t have to—” Evan’s eyes freeze and his lips part. He stands as still as stone for a moment, then asks, “Is that Ian McKellan?”
“Who?” asks Dr. Boodle, looking around blankly.
The camera cuts to Sir Ian McKellan in a tuxedo, nodding enthusiastically. “I worked with several wizards in my youth. The theater never gets the funding that’s needed, you know. Half the shows I did in my twenties wouldn’t have gotten past rehearsal without magic!”
The camera returns to the two wizards. “I mean, they had some pretty impressive stuff in there,” continues Dr. Boodle. “Magic mirrors, haunted dolls, a bowl from the fountain of youth! Just sitting in storage! It rivals what we had at Gowpenny!”
“Now, just a moment, Dr. Boodle, you’re telling me that the fountain of youth exists?” asks the incredulous host.
“Sure, a piece of it,” says the wizard historian. “I guess you’ll have to come see, won’t you?”
“He’s just - he’s just there,” says Evan, eyes wide. “He’s standing right there. Oh my god.”
The camera cuts to Dr. Smith, Head Curator of the Wizarding World Exhibit, smiling in front of the famous columns. “No, I think there’s nothing to be concerned about. The magical community has been appreciative and forthcoming every step of the way.”
25,787 Comments
Kikimarie: I cannot believe that on top of everything else, we have footage of the #CursedWhiteBoy thirsting for that old man.
Brosephine Baker: Benjamin Smith really eating his words now
HercinilStrong: Wait did the British museum have hundreds of magical artifacts sitting in storage for decades?
Tricia #NICUWarrior: My nan worked for the BM after the war and says there was haunted back rooms, used to throw things at ya and call ya names in Sumerian or whatever.
Skpticlmogget: How did she know they were calling her names? Did she speak Sumerian?
Tricia #NICUWarrior: Well they threw statues at her, they weren’t saying “Marian what a lovely scarf, come sit down and we’ll make a nice cuppa” ya shitenugget.
IrishReunification2024: SAM come get your man before he runs away with Gandalf.
-
YouTube
Last Week Tonight, March 8, 6:20 p.m.
3.8M views, 900,000 likes
John Oliver stands in front of the British Museum, gesturing at the crowds. “Now we’ve discussed the fine British tradition of looting the riches of the world and sticking them in this museum on many occasions, so I’m sure I don’t need to remind you about that one. What I find interesting in this case, however, is that wizard society was in turn stealing magic from the entire world. Who, then, is the villain for this evening? Let’s ask a wizard.”
He turns to a woman in a red headscarf and a black overcoat. “Ma’am, are you a wizard?” he asks.
“Oh no, I’m from Sheffield,” she replies.
“Not to my knowledge,” says the next man in line.
“Well my grandfather was adopted, so who’s to say?” asks an older woman in return.
“Well, I know Dr. Boodle,” says Dr. Smith uneasily. “He’s really, uh. He sort of reached out to me. He’s the first wizard I’ve ever met. I get the impression that some of the others are rather… well, you know.”
Dr. Boodle appears next, visibly sweating in his suit, glancing nervously up at the sky. “I’ll be frank with you, the last four years have brought some real ethical quandaries for me. I hadn’t even gotten around to thinking about this one, and it’s not going to keep me up at night. Do enjoy the exhibit.”
John stands still for a moment after that one. “Well, that was ominous.”
He returns to the visitors, asking a teenage boy, an old man, and a security guard if they’re wizards, all of whom reply that they are not.
He asks a tall, pale young man in a tuxedo, “Sir, are you a wizard?”
“That’s Sir Ian McKellan,” the man mumbles, staring just beyond John Oliver. The camera pans around to reveal the famed actor.
“Oh!” exclaims John. “Of course!”
The camera cuts to Sir Ian McKellan. “No, not this evening. I’m afraid I’ve left my hat at home.” He winks.
“Well, sort of,” says Sam Britain when posed the question. “I mean, we’re all kind of wizards now, right?”
“But you actually attended the wizard academy, isn’t that right?” John presses.
“Only for a year. Hey, do you know Ian? Do you think you - wait, no, never mind. Patrick! Patrick, sweetie, how are you?” Sam Black walks away into the crowd.
John Oliver stands in front of the sidewalk, facing the camera. “The few wizards in attendance seem unable to provide us with a clear answer. So, what are we to think? Who is the wronged party in this occasion? More importantly—“
The camera zooms in on a bald man walking down the red carpet behind John Oliver. A caption appears beneath his face: Jeffrey Bezos, CEO of Amazon.
“—who is the true villain of the evening?” John Oliver asks, then turns around as if seeing Bezos for the first time.
The second-richest man on Earth turns and waves, smiling as he surveys the crowd. He brushes past a throng of reporters and guests, including a pale young man wearing a suddenly sour expression.
“I think we’ve found him,” says John softly.
Jeffrey stops in front of the BBC camera, responding to a question. He frowns, wipes his nose, steps back, and wipes nose again. In the blink of an eye, his nose begins gushing blood.
His security detail rushes in immediately, ushering him out of sight so quickly that he might as well have never been here.
John Oliver stands, microphone in hand, staring at the small puddle of blood on the steps. “Ok, I give up, this is fucked,” he finally says, and walks off screen.
Top comment:
MissJackson47: #CursedWhiteBoy
2.7M likes
-
TikTok
@EntertainmentTonight, March 8, 6:28 p.m.
4.1M views, 700,000 likes
Jeanine rushes towards Ian McKellan, who stands deep in conversation with Sir Patrick Stewart, Sam Britain, and a lanky, pale young man in a tuxedo. “Sir Ian! Can we have a word?”
“Hmm? Jeanine, dear, lovely as always. Would you give us a moment?” He turns back to Evan Kelmp, Wizard and partner of Sam Britain. “And that’s exactly why funding the arts and public libraries are so crucial.”
Sir Patrick Stewart nods in appreciation. “It’s not simply the art itself but the access. Not everyone can attend a play. But with the right policies, you can put a library in every town.”
Evan is standing straight, trembling visibly, but he speaks in a confident tone. “They were absolute godsends, those movies in the library. I’ve seen your more mainstream movies only very recently, and of course you’re both incredible. But those Shakespeare performances. It’s so immediately clear that they were meant to be seen and heard, not read.”
“Precisely!” Sir Ian claps him on the shoulder. “I think he’d be appalled to know that youth were reading his plays without music, without context for the jokes, without acknowledgeable of the innuendo. The simplest community performance theater is more true to form than the most annotated text. It’s almost a cruel joke.”
“Have you done theater, Evan?” Sir Patrick leans in, awaiting the answer with clear interest.
Evan Kelmp turns nearly purple. “Oh, no, I could never. No. Absolutely not.”
“Of course you could! You’ve a presence about you,” says Ian. “Another wizard told me years ago that magic is itself nothing but performance.”
“Except back then, magic was memorizing a bunch of funny-sounding made-up words, too,” Sam Britain says. Then she considers her words, eyes widening. “Just like Shakespeare!”
“Oh, forget this,” Jeanine mutters, turning back to the camera.
Comments:
Kikimarie: #CursedWhiteBoyfriend moments before disaster.
Munchie Minnie: Evan’s about to risk it all for Ian McKellan.
Patrick Stewart: He’ll have to get through me first.
Boudreauxfromcinci: I can’t believe she left right before the bird.
Kaeylyn Leygh: He looks so normal! Too bad he’s a demon.
Parker090805: Theater kid. So cursed.
-
TikTok
@Lildaisyalhassan, March 8, 6:31 p.m.
94.1M views, 20M likes
The phone zooms in on Sir Ian McKellan speaking to Evan Kelmp. “That’s Sam Britain’s cursed boyfriend,” the bearer explains aloud.
“Who cares?” asks another voice. “That’s Gandalf!”
The shot switches to the front camera. Two teens grin, both wearing braces and thick parkas. “It’s Daisy and Lucas,” says the girl. “And we’re at the British Museum’s magic thing because Baba works here, and Sam Britain’s boyfriend is right in front of me.”
The shot switches to the back camera, and again zooms in on the lanky man in the tuxedo. “He doesn’t actually look that cursed,” Daisy muses aloud.
“Why’s he cursed?” asks her brother.
“I don’t know, he just — oh look, there’s Sam!”
Sam Britain, wearing a ridiculously glamorous gown, something expensive, walks up to them and gestures at the stairs. Gandalf and Evan Kelmp both turn to look at it.
“Oh, I know her! She was in that TikTok with Arianna Grande!”
Sam turns her face upwards, facing the sky, and stretches out a hand. Out of nowhere, a beautiful, light blue bird lands gently on her palm. Sam laughs in delight, slowly drawing her hand down.
And then the cursed white boy punches it.
Just punches it clear out of her hand.
“What the fuck?” asks Lucas.
“Oh wow, he’s —“
A mass of tentacles erupt from the flurry of blue feathers, dozens of them, bulbous and shining like an oil slick, expanding rapidly until they’re bigger than a bird, bigger than an arm, bigger than a cursed white boy and an influencer, too big to imagine, and it takes that long for Daisy to start screaming and running as her brother pulls her away, and they run and run and run until the video shuts off.
1.5M Comments
Miles01488216: tentacles at 1:06
BLM67092342: The bird that lands in her hand is an American bluejay, which doesn’t live in Europe and can’t cross the ocean. That must be what gave it away.
Number1BigBooty: Wow, this guy’s got bird facts.
GurlieMina222: Daisyyyyyy you’re famous!
Christislife77: that is not a MAN, that is a DEMON GIVEN FLESH, pray for Sam Black’s soul.
StrongConrad00: Tentacle monster kinda hot.
Lildaisyalhassan: Blocked, I’m literally a minor.
-
K opened the shower curtain at 1:35 a.m. and said, “OK, so that - stop screaming - that could have gone better.”
Sam stood, nude and wet, staring with wide eyes at K. “Yes. I battled a tentacle beast in the British Museum. It was not my ideal evening.” Water and suds ran from the loofah in her hands as her grip tightened involuntarily. “I was covered in burning goo, my dress was ruined, and a tentacle got stuck in my titties.”
“I was talking more about the social media reaction but yeah, that looked pretty bad.”
Sam stared through them, as if the wall behind them could help her make sense of it all. “K, it was Balenciaga.”
“Mmm,” said K sympathetically. “I do not know that word.”
“The dress. It was Balenciaga. All the little rhinestones melted when the tentacle slime touched it.”
“Yuck.” They looked around the bathroom, taking a quick step back from the laundry hamper. “Did you, uh. Where is it now?”
“I had my intern take it to dry cleaning.” Sam seemed to notice the loofah in her hand, and then the open shower curtain. “I’m sort of busy here scrubbing slime out of my titties, so if you don’t mind?”
“Oh, I don’t mind your titties.” K turned their laptop around so that Sam could see it. “And usually I’d just let you shower, but the internet is kind of freaking out about Evan.”
“Yeah, I’m sure. He punched a bird and it turned into a tentacle monster.”
“Yes,” said K slowly, drawing it out. “But there’s also some question about whether he summoned the tentacle monster.”
Sam closed her eyes and sighed.
“And someone told the story about how he sent that French kid to hell,” K blurted out quickly. “And the secret chat has maybe connected him with a few murders. And Jeffrey Bezos thinks Evan cursed him and is threatening legal action.”
Sam dropped the loofah and leaned her head against the shower wall.
“And I was thinking,” K continued, voice rising in pitch. “Maybe it would be better to get out ahead of anything else?”
“Yeah.” Sam nodded, eyes closed, water running over her nose. “Give me five minutes.”
“You got it.” K turned their laptop around and opened the bathroom door.
“K?”
They turned around to face Sam, who was still leaning heavily against the tiled shower wall. “Yes?”
Sam’s eyes were still closed. “Was it good content?”
K considered lying for a moment, but no. She’d find out soon enough. “Yeah, it went super viral.”
“Goddamnit.” She said it without any real heat. “I should have been on live.”
-
Whitney Jammer landed on the porch, shook out his aching wings, let himself in, and walked right into Evan’s chill-out room.
“Now why did - don’t stab me - why did I find out second hand that you were fighting a tentacle monster without me?”
Evan stood on top of his meditation mat, eyes crazed, a broken bottle in his hand. “What?” he asked sharply, uncomprehending.
“Calm - whoa. Did you have, like.” Jammer gestured at the bottle, looking around the rest of the room. “Was that just sitting in here so you could break it and stab somebody?”
This seemed to break Evan out of whatever he was going through. He swallowed and looked down at the bottle in his hand. “Yes. Oh god, did I stab you?”
Jammer didn’t laugh at him, not exactly. “You’re too slow to stab me, man.”
Evan blinked twice. He picked up his phone and paused the hype music. “I thought you had class.”
Classic Evan, worrying about Jammer’s class before anything else. “Yeah, I did. And that class got interrupted by everyone I know blowing up my phone with ‘oh, did you see your boy on the news, your boy fought a tentacle monster.’ The fuck? You can’t even text me after it?”
Evan stepped forward and flung his arms around Jammer. “It was bad, man. I wish you’d been there. I’m still covered in goo, I changed clothes but it’s in my hair, I needed to sit and calm down and Sam had a tentacle in her cleavage so I haven’t washed it yet.”
Jammer patted Evan on the back. “Hey, we’ll get you a shower.”
Evan started sobbing. “I think I said something weird in front of Sir Ian McKellan, man.”
“Evan, I promise you, Ian McKellan has forgotten everything you said tonight.” Jammer held him for a few more seconds before pulling back. “Are you and Sam OK? Are you safe here?”
“Yeah.” Evan took a gulping breath and nodded, folding his arms as if clinging to the remnants of the hug. It was shit like this that made Jammer want to never leave his side again, to hug him three times a day at minimum.
“Good. Did you know that Jeffrey Bezos is trying to get you extradited to some town in Massachusetts so you can be tried for witchcraft?”
Evan looked at him with an expression of utter despair. “Why would Jeffrey Bezos want me tried for witchcraft?”
“Because of the nosebleed? And all the magic you did right after the nosebleed?”
“The what?” Evan asked blankly and honestly. He seemed to truly have no idea what Jammer was talking about.
Before Jammer could respond, K stuck their head in. “Jammer! I was hoping you’d be here. Meeting in the kitchen. Pizza will be here in 5.”
-
“This is not good,” said Jammer as he took another slice of pepperoni.
“Good pizza places are not open at this hour.” K typed furiously as they ate, faster with one hand than anyone else at the table was with both.
Sam scrolled back up and watched the John Oliver clip again. “It doesn’t look good,” she admitted softly.
“I had no idea who that was,” said Evan again. “I only saw the back of his head. Look, I’m - Look. I’m behind him the whole time. I didn’t do any magic.”
“Then how did his nose start hemorrhaging blood?” asked K skeptically.
“I don’t know!” Evan shouted, flinging his arms up so quickly that Jammer barely rescued the pizza box. “Maybe his nose just did that!”
“Maybe it was just the vibes,” suggested Sam quickly. She was in no mood for shouting. “Maybe he just was like, ‘whoa, it’s anti-capitalist up in here,’ and his body was like, ‘ew.’” She gestured at her nose for emphasis, glancing at Jammer for support.
He shrugged. “I mean, yeah, maybe.”
They sat in near-silence for a while. It was nice, in a way, facing a disaster together again. Sam played the viral clip of the tentacle monster once more, keeping the volume low. “Evan, this looks really badass,” she finally said.
“Oh, it looks sick as hell,” Jammer agreed enthusiastically. “You clocked that shit immediately, and the way it exploded into a monster? Unbelievable.”
“That’s something, at least.” Evan rested his head on Sam’s shoulder to watch the video. “That tux does look pretty good.”
“I told you so.” She kissed him on the forehead, just a brief brush of her lips. “You’re not getting extradited or anything, right?”
“Absolutely not,” said K, still typing. “The alleged assault occurred here, and the police cleared you immediately. Besides, the FBI can’t exactly figure out how to get to you.”
“I guess not, since I don’t legally exist,” said Evan.
K laughed, a short, quick sound of genuine amusement. “No, no, trust me. The FBI cannot find you. I’ve made sure that.”
“Thanks?” Evan said hesitantly.
“Don’t mention it. TikTok, on the other hand, is all over you. We need to put a stop to that firmly and quickly.”
“What are they saying?” Sam asked.
K squinted at the screen. “They’ve linked him to the Exxon cotton candy incident, the Panamanian teleportation crisis, the flaying of that Harrison asshole, the Slenderman bullshit you pulled at the Sackler family investment meeting, 6 murders, and the time that Elon Musk spent four days as an emu.”
Jammer snorted, then covered his mouth. “Allegedly,” he said smugly.
“Allegedly,” K agreed.
“Who do they think the 6th murder is?” Evan asked, leaning over their computer. He read silently for a moment before starting to smile. “That’s great! They’re wrong about most of them.”
“Yeah, but they did get—“ K pointed to something on the screen.
“Oh, I definitely killed that guy,” he agreed.
“Well, it would be in your best interest if everyone thinks you didn’t,” said Sam, setting her phone on the table. “There’s potential here. It’s a badass video, and the CursedWhiteBoy tag is actually pretty positive. We can definitely work with this. K, you said you had an idea about that?”
K smiled. “I do.”
-
TikTok
@SamBritain, March 9, 2:42 am
18.1M views, 3.1M likes
Sam Britain and her cursed white boyfriend sit on a purple velvet couch, looking exhaustedly at the camera.
“Hi, Sam Squad.” Sam waves weakly. “It’s kind of been a rough night. But I wanted to set the record straight about a few things. First: I am alive. Second: many parts of the British Museum are still standing. Fourth: this is my beautiful partner Evan Kelmp who is fifth: a human being.”
“Hi.” Evan waves with an equal lack of enthusiasm. “You skipped three.”
“Oh. Three is that we just fought a tentacle monster and it was gross. But this isn’t about the tentacle monster. This is about Evan and the many, many rumors about him.”
“Yes,” says Evan unenthusiastically.
Sam sighs. “So look, we went to Gowpenny together in their shitty pilot program where we were specifically chosen because the people in power thought we would fail and doom non-magical humanity forever. Except we didn’t do that, and instead released all the magic, which broke it, and then we saved it and now it’s different but accessible. I’ve talked about it before and I’m not doing it at 3 a.m.”
“We’re tired,” says Evan. “Because of the tentacle monster.”
“Now, it seems like some of you have additional questions for Evan. So by very popular demand, Evan has agreed to answer some of these questions. Post them in the comments here and tomorrow, we’ll post replies to our favorite 20 questions.”
“10 questions,” Evan corrects her quickly.
“15 questions,” Sam counters.
“12 questions,” he replies.
Sam lifts an eyebrow. “15 and you get to pick them.”
Evan’s silence is answer enough.
“15 questions!” Sam repeats. “See you tomorrow!”
2.1M comments
-
Sam dropped her phone directly on the floor and left it there. “Treehouse night?” she asked.
“Treehouse night,” agreed Jammer.
The four of them piled into the bed. Sam flopped down on her back, staring up at the ceiling, and stretched out her right arm when Evan came to lie down with her. K curled up against her left side, small and warm and comforting. The last thing Sam felt as she fell asleep was Jammer’s wings extending over them.
-
TikTok
@SamBritain, March 9, 12:31 pm
12.9M views, 2.2M likes
“Hi everyone!” Sam and Evan are sitting on the same couch as in their last video, but this time they appear rested and almost relaxed. Sam smiles and Evan isn’t actively scowling, at least. “We took a look at your questions and we picked out 15 of them. Evan is going to answer them.”
He cracks his knuckles as if preparing for a physical challenge. “Let’s go.”
Sam holds up a notecard and reads from it. “Evan, the first question is: how did you bag a baddie like Sam Britain?”
“Wow, starting with a big one.” He thinks for a moment before answering, “I saw her for who she truly is rather than the role society has created for her. I worked alongside her, vocally and honestly expressing my appreciation while maintaining her boundaries every step of the way. I valued and respected her intelligence, and I gave her every opportunity to be who she wanted instead of who I wanted. She is remarkable, but it is not because of her beauty and charm. It’s because she’s the smartest and kindest woman in the world. I think if Timothée Chalamet had noticed that before me, I’d be shit out of luck.”
Sam takes his hand, eyes filled with overt affection. “Aww, Evan! Timmy and I only dated for like a week, it was never going to happen. But I think they meant like how did you ask me out?”
“Oh, sure! I think I asked if you wanted me to come over four days a week for the rest of our lives while I was still covered in blood from fighting the avatars of our deepest fears.”
“And it worked!” Sam beams at the camera. “Next question!”
1.1M Comments:
Charlotte XOXO: please elaborate about the blood??
Sam Britain: No <3
Timothée Chalamet: Evan, I did notice those things but I failed to express them adequately. You’re a more eloquent man than I, and more deserving. Congratulations.
Sam Britain: Timmy, it’s so good to hear from you! I truly wish you nothing but the best! I will always value our time together and I know you’ll find the right one soon!
Kikimarie: I was not expecting him to be this wholesome.
-
TikTok
@SamBritain, March 9, 12:39 pm
32.9M views, 7.2M likes
Sam clears her throat and turns to Evan. She holds a notecard in her lap but asks the question from memory. “Evan, are you a demon?”
Evan shakes his head firmly “No. I am a human ma- Ok, the gender is maybe a work in progress, but ‘man’ is the closest I have for now. I’m just a guy with incredibly bad vibes.”
“Great! Related question: did you put a demonic curse on Jeffrey Bezos?” Sam tilts her head slightly to one side, waiting for his response.
He pauses, then turns to face forward, pointing a finger at the camera. “Now here’s the thing: that does sound like something I would do. I agree with you there. I don’t like you, Jeff. I think your company is bad and you should feel bad about it. But I didn’t even know you were there. You were standing between me and famed actor Sir Ian McKellan, and your security guards weren’t letting me get any closer to him, and I was pretty annoyed about it. That’s why you can see me glaring in some videos from last night. That was not a curse, because Jeff, I promise you,” and here his eyes seem to go dark. “You will know when I cu-”
“And that’s questions 2 and 3!” Sam cuts in cheerfully.
2.1M comments
ClassicalArchitecture123: now thewizards are attacking helpless billionaires. because WOKE.
Catboi Extraordinaire: Diversity win! This incredibly cursed person is exploring their gender!
John Oliver: I’m officially on team #CursedWhiteBoy
U028365163: That means a lot to me, thank you.
Karlie: Comrade #CursedWhiteBoy
-
TikTok
@SamBritain, March 9, 12:49 pm
8.9M views, 1.2M likes
Sam wears a gentle, almost concerned expression as she reads from the next card. “Evan, why hasn’t anyone found any dirt on you? How are you un-doxable?”
The cameraperson repositions so that Evan is in the center of the shot. “First and foremost, I practice good internet security practices, utilizing a VPN, managing cookies deliberately, and avoiding Google and Meta login options whenever possible. Furthermore, my parents were horrible people and I was born in a cult of equally horrible people, resulting in a lack of traditional legal documentation. Due to my legal status, I then fell through the cracks of every single safety net available in America, resulting in a traumatic, isolated, and unphotographed childhood. If you or someone you know is in a similar situation, I recommend looking into the ICSA or another reputable cult support network in your country. You can also call your local government representative and ask them to vote for more robust supports for your own undocumented neighbors.”
The camera turns back to Sam, who beams. “This isn’t a bit, it’s a true and upsetting story! Shout out to the Family Survival Trust, a cult survivors’ organization in the UK, who partnered with me for a fundraiser in April. We have more planned in the future though, so get ready!”
“And get a VPN!” says Evan, leaning against her shoulder.
“And get one of those, yeah!” says Sam, nodding.
71,743 comments
Parker090805: he’s just like me fr fr
BradFalcons007: not true, I went to high school with Evan and he was on JV football.
u028365163: This is not accurate.
Itsybitsyspider: If you, Bradley Emmerson, are going to make up lies as you sit at home in Brasselton, GA, you should use a VPN.
SalmonHustle6969: Evan it’s SalmonHustle6969! You kick my ass in Fortnight all the time.
u028365163: This is accurate, thanks for being a good sport about it.
International Cultic Studies Association: Thank you for the shout out! We support you, Evan, and shame on Mr. Bezos for slandering you just because of your unfortunate upbringing!
-
TikTok
@SamBritain, March 9, 12:55 pm
7.9M views, 2.7M likes
Sam continues with the next question. “Evan! What was it like growing up like that?”
Evan smiles, then giggles, then starts laughing hysterically. “Bad!” he finally says between gasps.
Sam stares at him without speaking for several seconds, then turns back to the camera. “Yep!” she says.
Comments disabled
-
TikTok
@SamBritain, March 9, 1:01 pm
9.7M views, 884,000 likes
Sam has stretched out her legs, resting socked feet in Evan’s lap. He rests his arms on her legs, gently rubbing them from time to time. “Evan! How did you defeat the tentacle monster?”
“Well, I was watching Sir Ian McKellan talk when I saw a bluejay land on your hand. Now, bluejays are native to the eastern coast of America, and there’s no chance that one of them flew across the ocean. So I punched it, and of course then it—“
Sam holds up a hand, shaking her head. “No, no, now wait. Evan, baby, why did you decide to punch a bird?
He shrugs. “Well, I could either punch it or bite it.”
Sam looks down and covers her mouth. “Those were - Evan. Those were absolutely not your only choices.”
He stares down at his hands, which have gone still on her legs. “Those were the only choices I could think of in the moment.”
“Those were the—” She pinches the bridge of her nose and sighs. She looks back up. “OK. So you punched the bird. Then what?”
“Oh, the rest was mostly you.” He pats her leg gently. “I mean, I pushed it down a bit, just a directional force spell, and then you yelled at it for messing up your dress and causing a scene, and then it was so ashamed that it kind of disapparated.”
“Really? I thought you did way more zap and pow before I got my shit together.” Sam looks genuinely surprised.
“No, babe, you’re the most powerful wizard I’ve ever met. I was just stalling until you figured out a plan.”
“Aww.” She reaches for his hand. The two of them sit together for a moment, holding hands, making sappy faces at each other.
77,226 comments
Miles01488216: socks
BLM67092342: I KNEW IT.
IrishReunification2024: Incredibly cursed. I love him.
Gina Lee: how do I get a man like that
-
TikTok
@SamBritain, March 9, 1:14 pm
7.7M views, 689,000 likes
Sam is sitting with her feet on the ground now. Instead of a notecard, she holds several sheets of paper. “Evan, did you kill—“ she hands him the pages, “—these people?”
Evan takes the pages and glances over them, genuinely startled. “Really? All of - really?”
“Really.” She gestures to the camera. “There were a lot of comments, and a bunch of them were about murders.”
From behind the camera, an unfamiliar voice says, “You asked for a question about murder. I wanted to make sure we didn’t leave any room for uncertainty, so I got all of them.”
He flips to the second page and continues reading. “Nicole Brown Simpson? Come on, man, you know that was OJ.”
“I do know that,” says the voice behind the camera. “But TikTok would like to be certain that it wasn’t you.”
“There’s no way I could - The Zodiac Killer? They want to know if I’m the Zodiac Killer?”
Sam leans to the side, reading over his shoulder. “Wait, was the Zodiac Killer a real guy?”
Evan sets the list down. “Sam, you’ve asked a much more interesting question than the one that usually gets asked. But someone did those murders, yeah. However,” he turns to the camera. “It couldn’t have been me, because I’m not 80 years old.”
“So,” Sam asks deliberately. “It sounds like you didn’t kill all those people.”
He hands her the papers. “I did not kill all those people.”
Sam turns directly to the camera and smiles a dazzling smile, reassuring the viewer than all is right with the world, that everything is fine. “I think that settles the question,” she says, and she’s right, she’s absolutely right.
638 comments
Number1BigBooty: Yeah that settles it.
Jimmy @ Antoine’s: Wow unproblematic #CursedWhiteBoy
Charlotte XOXO: Does that settle it? Or did he just deny that he killed that entire list of people? What about that guy who got flayed?
Kikimarie: No that settles it, he didn’t do it.
-
TikTok
@SamBritain, March 9, 1:30 pm
3.7M views, 179,000 likes
Sam’s teacup pig has hopped into her lap. She scratches between his ears as she reads from the next card. “Evan, what do you do?”
Evan speaks more slowly on this one, as though choosing his words deliberately. “Well, I served as research assistant to my favorite professor for a few years, but I’m sort of taking a break to heal from the trauma of my shitty childhood. I do a small amount of freelance work, but I’ve also been going to therapy, reading, and doing the sort of domestic labor and household management that has traditionally fallen within the unpaid and undervalued realm of ‘women’s work,’ which in turn permits Sam the time and energy to manage her far more lucrative career.”
Sam beams at the camera in confirmation, and adds, “You’re also working with Davey.”
Evan nods. “I also do some handling of rare and cursed animals with David Attenborough, which has been an incredible experience. He’s such a kind and knowledgeable man, and I’m so grateful that he’s given me this opportunity.”
“Yeah, did y’all know a whole bunch of new animals dropped since we saved magic? They are so cute!” Sam presses the notecard to her chest.
“Except the new cows,” he adds, expression suddenly serious.
Sam shakes her head vigorously. “No, those are really scary.”
65,822 Comments
Charlotte XOXO: Not beating the assassin allegations.
LouLou: girl calm down he didn’t do it.
Michael Spinner: house husband cuck
u028365163: Avada kedavra.
David Attenborough: Evan is a knowledgeable and delightful young man. We’re lucky to have him!
U028365163: Thank you so much, sir, it’s truly an honor.
inhisname45: Evan I don’t know how to get in touch about freelance work but my dad is a preacher who says magic is the domain of man alone. My mom and sisters and I aren’t allowed out of the basement because he has the door sealed shut so only the elders of the congregation are allowed through.
Itsybitsyspider: dm me
justdamian: Are you fr about the freelancing bc my therapist is doing magic to make me stop being a trans boy. It hurts really bad and it makes me feel like my soul is getting crushed but I still feel like a boy. Can you help me?
Itsybitsyspider: dm me
Jordan Price: Evan if you are taking commissions for freelance my 10th grade English teacher is a huge bitch, could you please kill her
U028365163: Do you know what I would have given for a 10th grade English teacher? Do you know who I would have clawed through to attend 10th grade? You are a child, so I do not begrudge you your foolishness, but I want you to know its name: foolishness. Go read the Great Gatsby, or whatever other book your teacher assigned you. Tell Nick that Evan sent you.
-
TikTok
@SamBritain, March 9, 1:38 pm
10.8M views, 3.2M likes
Sam faces Evan very deliberately, as does the pig in her lap. With practiced grace, she asks, “Evan, did you cook and eat your dad?”
Evan answers smoothly and evenly, “No, I did not cook and eat my dad.”
“Moving on,” says Sam.
1.0M comments
SalmonHustle6969: Ummmmm why did he phrase it that way?
Genrietta: No one asked if you cooked him first.
Charlotte XOXO: Holy shit that man ate his dad raw.
Thomas Moore: Wow a lot of real judgmental comments from people who weren’t raised in cults by shitty parents. Evan, I escaped my parents and their cult at 22 and GOOD FOR YOU, I’d eat my own dad if I could.
-
TikTok
@SamBritain, March 9, 1:42 pm
349,002 views, 24,427 likes
Sam smiles upon reading her notecard. “Ooh, I’m glad you picked some fun ones! Evan, what is your favorite animal?”
“Goat,” emerges from his mouth so quickly it seems almost reflexive. He pauses, considers for a moment, then adds, “And cassowaries.”
Sam nods knowingly. “You love a cassowary.”
Evan looks back at Sam, his eyes shining with the simple joy of being known. “I really do.”
2,529 comments
Cassowary fan: CASSOWARY MENTION
Gina Lee: Too cute!!
HercinilStrong: goat house sux
U028365163: Do you really want to talk shit, wizard? Is that really what you want to do?
-
TikTok
@SamBritain, March 9, 1:45 pm
454,382 views, 410 likes
Sam Britain grimaces at the card in her hand, glancing several times between the card and the man on the couch. “Really?” she asks.
“Really,” he says, expression serious.
Sam sighs and reluctantly asks, “Evan, are you on WikiFeet?
Evan fixes the camera with an intense, soul-piercing stare. “When I was fourteen, an adult man once attempted to nail my feet to the ground as I slept so that he could steal my hard-won backpack. I wore grocery bags instead of shoes for almost the entirety of 2018. I have had frostbite more times than I can count, resulting in significant damage to my toes. I lost the pinkie toenail on my right foot so many times that it stopped growing back.” He pauses, considering. “I think that’s it. So no, I am not on WikiFeet.
“Now,” he continues, leaning forward. “You’re feeling very uncomfortable right now. I’m sure that’s an unpleasant feeling. That’s how you made me feel by asking that question. That’s how you make Sam feel when you post a comment telling everyone what timestamp reveals a brief glimpse of her feet. I just want you to think about that.”
Sam is nodding beside him with pursed lips. “This one isn’t going to get any likes at all,” she whispers.
2376 comments:
Kikimarie: Hi I have a question: what the fuck?
Yasmin Rahman: Thanks I hate it!
Sephiroth: noooooooooooooooooooooo
Miles01488216: :(
-
TikTok
@SamBritain, March 9, 1:55 pm
1.8M views, 400,106 likes
Sam raises her eyebrows while reading the card. “Well, this one is getting censored. Evan, how do you win a fight?”
Evan nods confidently. “That depends entirely on the fight. You can win a lot of fights by walking away before they begin. You can win plenty more by jabbing them in the throat, sharp and fast, then running away. If you really need to do damage, consider dislocating a kneecap or shoulder, breaking a finger or nose, or putting out an eye.”
There’s a lengthy silence as Sam stares expectantly.
“Or,” says Evan slowly. “Maybe the real fight to win was the friends we made along the way?”
“Oh! No, they asked about fighting and you were just being honest. I was just waiting for you to say the thing about, you know.” Sam mimes slicing something.
“Right! This is important, everyone. The only way to win a knife fight is to scare the other person away before anyone draws blood. If you close in during a knife fight, you’re both going to get cut. Thanks, Sam.”
She beams. “Don’t mention it!”
9,049 comments
Garashir is canon: Wow that’s really good to know, actually.
Lisa Prank: How is this video still up?
Kikimarie: I could watch this guy say fucked up things all day long.
-
TikTok
@SamBritain, March 9, 2:00 pm
98,298 views, 30,145 likes
Sam sighs, then says, “Sure. Evan, what is the most fucked up thing that ever happened to you?”
Evan looks up, taking a moment to find his words. “So, two years ago I discovered that I was conceived not out of love, lust, or the desire to create life, but to serve as a living sacrifice, to live a life devoid of the things that make it worthwhile, to be a shell and eventually a vessel for a great and powerful evil, and that my parents enacted this plan with the full knowledge that I would suffer the entire time.”
There was a long silence.
“And then today,” Evan continues. “A guy asked if I was on WikiFeet.”
Sam closes her eyes and sighs, but her shoulders are shaking with barely-contained laughter.
1,614 comments
Thomas Moore: We’ve all been there brother, nothing but respect.
Lemonbars: We have definitely NOT all been there.
Miles01488216: :( :( :(
IrishReunification2024: lol this guy is gonna get turned inside out.
IrishReunification2024: ALLEGEDLY
Zuko: that’s rough buddy
-
TikTok
@SamBritain, March 9, 2:04 pm
68,454 views, 30,145 likes
Sam picks up a card. “Next question is—” She drops the card on the floor, laughing so hard that her whole body shakes. “You put this in here just to make me crack,” she gasps, holding onto the side of the couch.
Evan is giggling beside her. “Maybe.”
Sam and the man at her side both double over laughing, curling into each other as they do. The two stay like that for a moment, their noises strangely melodious, as if they were harmonizing instead of laughing.
Sam picks up the card, wiping her eyes delicately to keep her lashes on. “No, we don’t have a dog,” she says simply, and that’s enough to start the two of them giggling again. Sam leans against Evan’s side to support herself, and the two of them shake with mirth for a few seconds.
409 comments
StrongConrad00: ?
Emiliana: cute but weird
Zoey #Milltown28: I don’t get it.
Dogboy Patrick: I know what you are.
-
TikTok
@SamBritain, March 9, 2:17 pm
649,087 views, 333,505 likes
“Last question. We made it!” Sam extends a hand, which Evan meets with an easy high-five. “Evan, would you still love Sam — me — if I was a worm?”
Evan frowns, staring up at the ceiling. “Obviously I would, but I would be very concerned about your safety and immediately look into transmogrifying you back into a human being, as your lifespan would be shortened and your ability to communicate significantly limited by being a worm. Unless you wanted to be a worm, though I’m not sure how you could communicate that.”
“Hmm.” Sam taps the card against her leg. “We could make a special worm code word. Or code signal, I guess.”
Evan’s eyes light up. He crosses his legs, turning his entire body to face her on the couch. “God, you’re so fucking smart. What kind of signal?”
“Well…” She exhales slowly, thinking. “If you make a W with your wiggly little worm body, then an O, and so on, if you spell out worm, then the other person will know you want to stay a worm.”
“I think that… well, you couldn’t do the sharp angles of the W and M, but I think you could get close enough to get the point across. Incredible! And what if you don’t want to stay a worm?”
“Same thing! You can just spell help,’ like H and then E and so on.”
Evan shakes his head. “A worm can’t do H.”
“What? Why not?” She tilts her head to the side, genuinely curious.
“It’s not contiguous. Here, can I borrow the pen?” He holds up a hand and the unnamed cameraperson tosses him a pen. He reaches for the card and writes something on it. Sam leans close. “Every letter of worm can be written without lifting the line,” he explains. “So you can make all those letter with one worm body. But when I write the letter H…”
“Oh!” Sam exclaims. “Ok, I see it now. So we need a different word. How about ‘stop?’ Like stop being a worm?”
“The T,” Evan says apologetically.
“Oh no!” Sam takes the pen and starts writing on the card. “Ok, um, what about ‘human?’ No. ‘Save?’ No, not that either! Wow, this is harder than I expected.”
“What about just ‘no?’” suggests Evan.
Sam looks up and sets down the pen. “Or,” she says. “We could just not get turned into worms.”
“Hey, that sounds perfect!” Evan smiles at her.
“And that’s been 15 questions with my cursed boyfriend! Remember to follow for more cursed white boy content. You’re all the best! I hope you get to laugh at something ridiculous today and that you don’t get turned into worms! Have a great day, and see you next time!”
11,700 comments:
Kikimarie: weird but adorable.
David Attenborough: Samantha my dear, you could enlist a second worm to spell most of these letters in a pinch!
Sam Britain: Davey I love it!!
Christislife77: I REBUKE YOU DEMON!
Karlie: Well I don’t, Sam and Evan holla if you want to get a demon sandwich going.
Charlotte XOXO: Ok this is cute but I have a question for Sam. Are you casting a protection spell on your followers? A few of us have a theory about it.
Sam Britain: Is it working?
Charlotte XOXO: I think so.
Sam Britain: Good <3
-
Evan slid off the couch and onto the floor. “Your job is hard.”
Sam patted him on the head. “You did great,” she assured him.
“Really great,” said K, eyes wide. “Wow. That’s a lot of views. They really like it when you threaten Jeff Bezos.”
Evan grimaced. “Sorry.”
Jammer sat down beside him on the floor, nudging his should with one wing. “Nah, it’s good. Luigi energy, you know? The people love that.”
“Speaking of…” K held up their phone, which displayed a screenshot of a comment about being trapped in a basement by a preacher. “How do you feel about a trip to Illinois?”
Evan took the phone, reading the comment quickly. His expression hardened. “That’s where they are?”
“Yep. Got the address right here.” K tapped the side of their head that contained a powerful server.
Evan looked at Jammer. “Illinois?” he asked.
“Sure, on two conditions,” he said. “One: we get real pizza in Chicago afterwards, and I mean the good shit. Two: I’m not carrying all of you.”
“Oh, sure,” said Evan. “I think I can fly that far.” He turned to his partner. “Sam?”
“On a work trip?” she asked. She glanced at her pig. “T2, can you call Jamie and let him know I’ll be out of town?”
T2 oinked affirmatively.
“You’re the best,” she said. She took Evan’s hand and squeezed it. “Let’s go, cursed white boy.”