Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Lady Margaery created a group chat.

Lady Margaery renamed the chat to Victims Of The Dock.

Lady Margaery added multiple numbers.

Lady Margaery
right. all of these phones should be here now

that's the tedious part done

Derek
Um

Lady Margaery
what is it, boy?

Derek
Now I don't mean any offence, Lady Margaery

But when you handed us our phones back and said you were making a chat, I thought it would just be between the four of us so we could keep track of each other in…whatever this place is

Except you've added a large number of unnamed contacts to this chat as well

…What's happening here?

Titch
I'd like to know too.

Lady Margaery
they won't be unnamed forever

I've added the number of every single phone I have in my possession

Derek
…OK…

Titch
For what purpose?

Derek
Wait wow that's a lot of phones

Lady Margaery
haven't you noticed? there's a lot of people scattered around and nobody seems to have any idea what's going on

a good chunk of em look like they've never even heard of a modern mobile phone

I plan to add every single person I can find to this chat, and these phones will be going out to anyone who needs one

Derek
Oh, that's nice of you

Titch
And adding a bunch of lost strangers to a group chat was one of the first things you thought of doing because…?

Lady Margaery
well why not?

Titch
…

I have so much to say to that but I just don't think it's worth getting into.

Lady Margaery
at least be grateful I gave you and gangles your own phones back. I didn't have to! that iphone max was technically never his! but I was feeling generous today so I scoured the pile for you

Derek
And we really appreciate it!

Titch
Sure.

Derek
C'mon, love

At least she's offering people phones instead of drugs

Titch
Fair. I guess it's nice to have my old phone back.

I still don't know when James took it…

Lady Margaery
speaking of that boy, where the hell is he?

Derek
I think he's still trying to figure out how to use my old Sony

Titch
It's just a mobile phone? It's not that different.

Derek
You know what your brother can be like, though

Titch
…Yeah.

Chapter Text

Inga changed Hugh's nickname to Jelly Eyes.

Jelly Eyes
inga please…

Inga
what? it's accurate

i call you that all the time

Jelly Eyes
its embarrassjng!!

Johnny
maybe let's not…?

Janae
I agree. We are all effectively strangers who barely know each other's names; using nicknames for everyone will only get confusing. It'll be easier to learn who's who if we use our real names.

Inga
aww fine

Inga changed Jelly Eyes's nickname to Hugh.

Hugh
thank you inga

Danny
youre real well spoken janae

Janae
Thank you, I try to be.

Johnny
that's my brother for you!!

Amanda
Wait hang on

I swear I ran into Johnny and Janae like. half an hour ago

Janae, how old are you?

Janae
I am eight years old.

Danny
oh…!

Amanda
So I did remember right

Hugh
ur younger than us!!!

Janae
It's true, I am significantly more academically advanced than most of my peers. This has always been the case. I hope it's not too off-putting.

Derek
Not off-putting! Just a little surprising at first, that's all

Peter
you're my age!!! that's so cool!!

Derek
I do have a little concern about the name thing, though

I get that nicknames could get confusing very quick so I agree using our names is better

But I've been looking through the list of contacts and there are several people who have the same name. I'm not the only Derek!

Titch
There are so many Jemimas…

Why are there so many Jemimas?

Is that a popular name and I didn't know?

Jemima
Well this is actually my middle name, you can call me Penelope if you want

Derek
So what do we do about it?

Janae
You do have a point.

Well, we all have surnames, don't we?

Derek
…

Hugh
…

Johnny
…

Lady Margaery
do you?

Peter
i do!

Benjamin
i lost my first name for a while

Danny
what???

Amanda
Ok we're gonna brush past that for now, because that sounds like a real interesting story that we should dedicate a lot more time to listen to

How about this - anyone who wants to add their surname does that, and anyone who doesn't for whatever reason just adds something to identify them with?

Janae
That sounds like a great idea, Miss Amanda.

Several nicknames were changed.

Amanda Wilson
Perfect

Janae from Oxford
Hopefully we shouldn't have any more problems from now on.

Peter Steven
yay!!!

Jelly Eyes Hugh
…

Jelly Eyes Hugh changed their nickname to Bluebell Hugh.

Marigold Inga
aww cmon hugh!

Bluebell Hugh
i said its embarrassing!

and now were matching

Marigold Inga
true…

Danny Prostitute
now thats adorable

Titch
…

Penelope Jemima
Um

Derek Gangles
Danny???

Amanda Wilson
Hold up aren't you still a kid too?

Danny Prostitute
i am 17 for your information! almost an adult!!

also this is my actual surname

Amanda Wilson
Oh honey I'm so sorry

Danny Prostitute
yeah they named it after my mom

she's in here too

Benjamin Billy Timothy
what does that mean?

Future Dream Johnny
what does what mean?

Benjamin Billy Timothy
danny's name thingy

Titch
How old are you?

Benjamin Billy Timothy
5

when i was on the train i grew up until i was 18!!!

but now i'm 5 again

Janae from Oxford
…What?

Amanda Wilson
Something tells me this is related to the 'lost his first name' thing

…And also the fact that he added two extra first names to his user

Oh I'm so curious…

Titch
Well you don't need to be worrying about what a prostitute is, Benjamin.

For now, all that matters is that it's Danny's last name.

Maybe don’t go around saying it, though.

Benjamin Billy Timothy
ok!!!

Danny Prostitute
yknow what

maybe i should change it

for the kids

Danny Prostitute changed their nickname to Danny Bartender.

Future Dream Johnny
is that your job?

Danny Bartender
mr twiliger is teaching me how to be one!

Titch
But you're…seventeen…

Derek Gangles
I think this might be a time period thing, love

Also! I just noticed you didn't change your nickname?

Titch
Look me in the eyes and tell me you seriously think we're going to meet someone else called Titch in this place.

Derek Gangles
…Touché

Penelope Jemima
Is that your actual name?

Titch
No, but it might as well be, nobody calls me by my real name.

Penelope Jemima
And Derek's surname is Gangles?

Derek Gangles
Whether that's my real surname or not is for me to know and you to figure out :P

Penelope Jemima
And you're dating…?

Titch
Yes. Gangles and Titch, it's ironic, we know.

Derek Gangles
It's also accurate <3

Titch
You did not need to spell that out for them.

Amanda Wilson
I genuinely love that for you

Peter Steven
what does that mean?

Danny Bartender
what does what mean?

Peter Steven
gangles and titch

Titch
…

Sigh.

Chapter Text

Police Intern Jimmy
help

help

im stuck

Constable Doohickey
Oh boy

Detective Clancy
Is it the doors again?

Police Intern Jimmy
worse

this ones made of stone

its heavier

im already bad at doors

why is this one made of stone

Bradley Chip
I can help! I have a drill I can get through stone with

My dad has a much bigger drill but he's sleeping rn and I'm not allowed to use it without him

But I have a tiny one!

Police Intern Jimmy
thank you chip!!

Jasper the Boy Witch
I might be able to help too, with my magic

Where are you, Jimmy?

Police Intern Jimmy
i don't know!!

Sally Xavier
oh that's not good…

Detective Clancy
Your phone should have a tracker on it, Jimmy

Constable Doohickey
He's in a place that has a stone fucking door. What are the chances the tracker will actually work?

Detective Clancy
Language, there's children here

And he's texting us just fine, isn't he?

Police Intern Jimmy sent their location.

Constable Doohickey
Guess I stand corrected

Detective Clancy
Hah

Looks like I was right once again

Constable Doohickey
You shut your mouth

Sarah Von Ponte
If this is the state of its police force, I worry for America

Bradley Chip
We're on our way Jimmy!

Jasper the Boy Witch
Be there as soon as we can

Jasper the Boy Witch
So we have good news and bad news

Sally Xavier
uh oh

Jasper the Boy Witch
The good news is we got Jimmy out just fine

The bad news is Chip had a seizure and now he's speaking only in French and we don't know what to do

Police Intern Jimmy
i cant speak french!! idk what hes saying!!

Constable Doohickey
Is he distressed?

Jasper the Boy Witch
He seems fine? And I think he understands us still

A little less responsive than normal

The thing is he's still not switching back to English and idk if this is normal or not

Sally Xavier
it doesn't seem like it should be

Jasper the Boy Witch
Jimmy's trying to talk to him but I think they're just frustrating each other

Ok I know I sound calm and I can do powerful magic but I'm still only 13 and I'm kinda freaking out here someone please help

Detective Clancy
You're handling this very well for your age, take a deep breath for us

Sarah Von Ponte
I am from France, I can translate

What is he saying?

Police Intern Jimmy
ummmm

ok i missed a lot of it but i think he said papa a few times?

Sarah Von Ponte
Papa means father

…You should not have needed me to translate that for you

Sally Xavier
don't be so harsh, they're kids in a stressful situation

Police Intern Jimmy
im 18 >:(

Sally Xavier
you're older than me??

huh

Jasper the Boy Witch
Wait didn't Chip say his dad is here too?

Police Intern Jimmy
he did! his dad will know what to do!!

Sarah Von Ponte
If I remember correctly, he said his father was sleeping

Constable Doohickey
Ping him, these phones have loud alerts

Jasper the Boy Witch
Ok

…Does anybody know the name of Chip's dad?

Sally Xavier
um

Constable Doohickey
…

Detective Clancy
We do not

Police Intern Jimmy
oh no oh no oh no

Sally Xavier
he's a geologist right? that's why they have the drills?

look for someone who has something geology related in their name

Constable Doohickey
I've been scanning the list of contacts and nothing is standing out

Jasper the Boy Witch
There's someone who hasn't added anything to their name yet called Cliff

But that's too on-the-nose, right? There's no way?

Detective Clancy
You might have to trial and error it

Sarah Von Ponte
Why not just ask Chip? You said he understands you. His father's name will still be the same even if he is speaking in French

Sally Xavier
…oh yeah

Constable Doohickey
…

Sarah Von Ponte
And you call yourselves detectives

Jasper the Boy Witch
Cliff actually is his dad!

@Cliff please wake up

Constable Doohickey
What the fuck, really???

Detective Clancy
Language, Doohickey

Constable Doohickey
Whatever man

Cliff
Hello?

Sally Xavier
oh that was fast

Police Intern Jimmy
hi sir is bradley chip your son??

Cliff
Yes he is, why?

Jasper the Boy Witch
He had a seizure and is now only speaking in French

Is this normal?

Cliff
Ah

Yes this is normal, he'll switch back eventually

I'll come look after him though, bring Pierre with me too

Where are you?

Police Intern Jimmy sent their location.

Police Intern Jimmy
i know how to do that real quick now!

Sarah Von Ponte
Pierre?

Chip, Cliff and Pierre?

Is your whole family made up of geology related names?

Sally Xavier
how is pierre geology related?

Sarah Von Ponte
It means stone in French

Cliff
Oh Pierre's not…I mean he's not actually family

Not really

Like we're not blood related he just spends a lot of time with us

It's a long story

He is also a geologist though so that's a funny coincidence

Constable Doohickey
Alright man

Go look after your son

Detective Clancy changed Cliff's nickname to Geologist Cliff.

Detective Clancy changed Pierre's nickname to Geologist Pierre.

Detective Clancy
I think that was the right Pierre

I only saw one but I was looking quite quickly

Constable Doohickey
I guess we'll find out eventually

Bradley Chip
Thx for trying to help me guys!

I get this isn't really a normal thing to see happen so sorry if I scared you 😅

Constable Doohickey
We're just glad you're alright, kid

Sarah Von Ponte
Always happy to help, especially when it comes to France

Police Intern Jimmy
im sorry you have to deal with seizures regularly :(

Bradley Chip
I'm used to it Jimmy don't worry about it!

Sally Xavier
chip, is your dad reading the chat?

Bradley Chip
No he's off exploring with Pierre

Sally Xavier
good I have a question about him

why did he get so weird when he started talking about pierre?

Bradley Chip
Oh my god

This is such a good story you're not gonna believe what happened

Chapter Text

Harpoon Geoff
[corn.jpg]

look at this corn I found

it looks so depressed

Jeremiah Hates Coobes
Wow

I did not expect to agree so wholeheartedly that that corn is depressed

André Beetroot
that's some impressive corn u found urself

Troll-Father
I HAVE NOT SEEN CORN BEFORE

IS IT FOOD? IS IT ENJOYABLE TO CONSUME?

TROLL-FATHER HAS BEEN EXPANDING PALETTE

Jeremiah Hates Coobes
Corn tastes mighty good, my troll friend

Also I believe it's spelled 'palate'

Troll-Father
I HAVE BEEN EXPANDING THAT TOO

Harpoon Geoff
[depressed_corn.mp4]

watch it sway

Troll-Father
OOH

André Beetroot
now that's the jackpot, better than the picture

Jeremiah Hates Coobes
You've got good taste, harpoon Geoff

Nice angle

Troll-Father
I AM SEEING THINGS I HAVE NOT SEEN BEFORE

André Beetroot
what a day

nothing like 4 men watching corn together

Harpoon Geoff
some people may find it weird, but I say it's perfectly natural

Jeremiah Hates Coobes
My father was one of those types

Kicked me out the house for the night when he found out I was watching hay corn

Got stuck in the cornfield in nothing but my boots

Father Andrews
Please remember there are children in this group chat.

Jeremiah Hates Coobes
We’re just talking about corn, father, nothing wrong with that

I was gonna spare the details anyway

André Beetroot
woahhh that does not sound good

i think i do not like ur father

Jeremiah Hates Coobes
You and me both, bud

There's a reason I joined the military

Harpoon Geoff
now that ain't on

fathers shouldn't be kicking their sons out the house because they did something they didn't like

right, troll-father? I mean you're a dad yourself

Troll-Father
NO COMMENT

Jeremiah Hates Coobes
…Well that's concerning

Troll-Father
I KNOW BETTER NOW

TROLL-FATHER HAS LEARNED TO BE UNDERSTANDING AND TO STEP OUTSIDE OF COMFORT ZONE

TROLL-SON IS HAPPILY OPENING A WINE BAR WITH TOBIAS NOW

Harpoon Geoff
aw that's sweet, your son's opening a wine bar with his boyfriend?

I'm almost jealous, that sounds like the life

why am I so single?

Fishing Jeff
It's because you fell in love with a siren and refuse to move on, mate

Harpoon Geoff
OI

man I think I saw her in this chat you can't just air out my secrets like that

Troll-Father
OH NO I DO NOT THINK THEY ARE DATING

TROLL-SON IS TOO DISGUSTED BY ROMANCE

ALSO TROLL-SON IS 15 AND TOBIAS IS 17 AND APPARENTLY A 2 YEAR AGE GAP IS A LOT FOR YOUNG PEOPLE

Father Andrews
Are you saying two teenagers are trying to open a wine bar?

Troll-Father
YES THEIR SHARED INTEREST IN WINE MAKING MEANT IT MUST BE DESTINY

André Beetroot
good for them

starting early means opening a bright passageway for their future

Father Andrews
But two teenagers selling alcohol…is that not illegal?

Troll-Father
FUCK OFF

Father Andrews
…My apologies.

Jeremiah Hates Coobes
Now I'm not aware of what trolls think of religion but it ain't polite to swear at a reverend, Troll-Father

André Beetroot
u gotta respect father andrews he's the goat

Troll-Father
TROLL-FATHER IS SORRY

I USUALLY STAY UNDER BRIDGE AND THERE ARE NO PRIESTS UNDER BRIDGE

ALSO DO NOT WORRY - TROLL FATHER DOES NOT EAT EVERY GOAT NOW. ONLY SOME OF THEM

Father Andrews
I forgive you, Troll-Father. Also I am not a goat.

Troll-Father
SO WHY DID BEETROOT MAN CALL YOU A GOAT?

Father Andrews
I'm not quite sure.

André Beetroot
note to self: don't use cool lingo in front of fathers

Father Andrews
Are you aware I'm not a father in the parent sense?

Harpoon Geoff
[weird_corn.mp4]

the way this one moves reminds me of a dancer

look at it, it's essentially real

André Beetroot
woahhh

Father Andrews
Strangely, it reminds me of a witch I used to know called Sephora.

Harpoon Geoff
elaborate???

Jeremiah Hates Coobes
No shut up who cares about that

WHAT ARE THOSE PIGEONS DOING?!

Troll-Father
OH D:

André Beetroot
see now i thought we were all just gonna ignore it

Harpoon Geoff
I DIDN'T NOTICE

OH GOD I'VE SPOTTED THEM IN FRONT OF ME

AUGH THE SOUNDS

WHY DOES IT ALMOST SOUND LIKE A FOLLOWABLE CONVERSATION???

Father Andrews
I am going to once again politely remind you that there are children in this chat.

Harpoon Geoff
yep deleting that video immediately

I'm going to walk away from the corn now

so uh. let's all get off our phones and pretend this conversation never happened?

Jeremiah Hates Coobes
Agreed

André Beetroot
yeah…

Father Andrews
Happily.

Troll-Father
TROLL-FATHER DOES NOT LIKE CORN ANYMORE

DOES ANYBODY WANT TO TRY BROCCOLI WITH ME?