Work Text:
It's a quarter past midnight,
And the city is quiet.
Mom has gone to sleep;
I cannot help myself.
I must go find one.
I need it bad.
I stray two blocks from the hotel.
I should have put on a coat.
There is a ghastly breeze in the air,
And I have goosebumps.
But I don't care.
A pillar of white
Lies unscathed,
Wedged in the crack of the sidewalk.
I'm incredulous: it is perfect. And now it is mine.
I crouch before it.
I pick it up with two fingers,
Careful not to crush the tiny thing
In all its glory.
A gift from God,
Or perhaps the Devil.
I really shouldn't be doing this.
I walk back to the hotel with it tucked in my palm.
Tonight, the time has come
When I can be alone with it,
Savouring every second,
Tasting the greyness,
Absorbing it.
I never should have started this.
So young, and I'm already a full-blown fiend,
A dirty scavenger in the dead of night.
But it's now far too late,
And I don't give a damn.
This is my reward
For surviving today.
I take the lighter from my purse,
A souvenir from a local shop.
A 'free prize' I'd taken earlier,
When no one was looking,
Shortly before I'd almost died.
An Insta-Punishment from Above
In the form of an allergic reaction.
The lighter, despite being brand new,
Does not work.
I sigh.
God knows I shoplifted this. She's still mad.
What now?
I resort to approaching passerby,
Asking for a lighter in my broken German.
Two people apologize and say no;
Four of them ignore me entirely.
I am quickly reduced to tears.
What were the chances I find this thing and end up with nothing to light it?
Eventually, a young couple takes pity on me.
The woman offers me her lighter.
As they watch me silently,
I struggle in my embarrassment to light my hand-me-down cigarette.
I thank them several times before they leave.
I wipe furiously at my dewy cheeks.
Fucking finally.
I'm wearing a thin dress,
And the concrete is freezing against my ass.
Whatever.
Holy shit, this tastes so good.
This addiction will ruin my life.
The hotel guard eyes me. He seems concerned.
He pops his head out the door to say Servus, guten Abend.
Surprised by his words, I hesitate before smiling and returning the sentiment.
Satisfied, he leaves me be. I watch him retreat to his desk.
Damn. Why aren't the men in my country this handsome?
I inhale as deeply as I can without choking.
I take in my surroundings.
Munich looks much more urban,
Much less Bavarian than I had pictured.
But it's peaceful.
Despite being alone and in the dark on the streets of a foreign land, I feel strangely safe.
Relieved.
My Mother sleeps soundly in a chair in our room meanwhile,
None the wiser that her daughter even smokes.
I feel bad. How I love the lady so.
This day was much harder on her than it was on me.
I just had to have that cookie. I just had to.
My cigarette burns to the butt in no time.
Well, shit.
I guess that's it.
I stub it out with the toe of my sandal,
Then rise off the curb to go up to bed.
This was nice.
Thank you, God.
Or Satan. I can't tell.
Well,
Now I know what the Epi-Pen feels like.
Not as bad as I thought.
Then again, I mostly just felt the desperate impact
Of my Mother's fist.
What a horrible thing to have witnessed,
To have catalyzed in my ignorance.
Ugh... I'm sorry.
I'm so lucky to be alive.
Once I sneak back into our room,
I complete the Routine
I've had perfected for months.
Scrub Hands,
Brush Teeth,
Mouthwash,
Body Spray.
I get in bed.
It's funny how the sudden awareness that you're
Going to die
Is simultaneously so Harrowing
And so Helpful.
I don't want to die.
The iteration of it gives me an indistinct hope.
I think that's a good thing.
I drift asleep fast,
Somewhat content,
And also wondering
Where I'm going to get my next smoke.