Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

The feeling of waking up next to somebody you love is something Etho will never underappreciate. Even on days when he wishes he didn’t wake up, on days his leg is the most painful it has been in a long while, opening his eyes to see the most beautiful person in the world was always worth it.


He never got up right after waking out of slumber. It would seem almost upright rude to do so. To leave a brunette angel laying on the sheets like a piece of renaissance art. Long eyelashes shut close, a calm smile on his peachy lips. Soft skin glowing in the rising sun outside.

So he would stay, stay for whoever knows how long. His eyes scanned his boyfriend on every inch. Taking every flaw and perfection, no matter what. Etho was incredibly lucky to be in a relationship with an amazing man full of passion, ambition and love.



Out of his league, everyone would say when they first got together. Joel was confident, brave, humble, handsome, basically the perfect human being while Etho was a nerdy college student in debt, spending most hours in front of a screen with barely any social life.

Yet somehow, in some strange way they ended up here, in their shared bed, in their own apartment, happiness filling their hearts at just the sight of each other. Helping and supporting one another in their own unique ways.


It wasn’t unusual of Etho to be stuck in a vortex of thoughts like this. When his mind fogged up, with good thoughts or not, the outside world would become a blur, he didn’t have to worry about the upcoming troubles of everyday life. Didn’t have to worry about being separated from Joel until the following evening.


Etho’s mind worked a little differently to others’. That’s what his doctor told him at least. Aside from all the other shit he has to be going through, his brain also has to be broken in some way. Alright, wonky, that’s what Joel says.

Joel insists Etho’s not broken. That he’s got some downsides but everyone’s got them and somehow that doesn’t make him a complete wreck. Obviously, Etho doesn’t believe these words, as much as he wants himself to.

He still hadn’t accepted the fact he was and always will be. The love between them usually softens and pushes back all the overthinking, however no one is there to distract him with their gentle words in the early mornings. Alone with a sleeping body next to his.

Etho loves how comfortable he feels next to Joel. How easy it is to talk to him. How he doesn’t have to ask to hold his hand during walks or at the restaurant with friends. It’s not weird anymore, not corny.


They’re not in a newborn relation anymore, they’ve learned to accept all their ways of loving. The gift giving, the flirting, the reassurance, the caring, the time spent together without the need to talk.

Still, he spends hours simply thinking over how in the world they get each other so well. How they’re matching puzzle pieces, a flower to a bee, like night and day, complete opposites that can’t function without the other.

And as silly as it sounds, Etho doesn’t suffocate in his feelings when Joel’s there. When he talks to him. When he’s bleaching his hair with cheap chemicals in the bathroom. When they’re sitting by each other reading books and playing video games. When they’re baking together (even though Etho’s just there to taste the batter).

They’re almost like a well-oiled machine, which has a lot of cracks and scrapes, yet still holds up its beauty.

Etho exhales the small breath in the back of his throat, glancing at Joel’s peaceful face, his perfect shining hair, caramel freckles dotting his face, unshaved facial hair growing on his jawline up as, suspectedly, he wanted to grow it out.

He presses his lips to Joel’s cheek, pulling back and listening closely to the sound they make against his boyfriend’s skin. The skin he gets to touch, to kiss, to love. To be his.

Somehow, the stars, the galaxies, the sky, the sun, the milky way, the meteors wanted Etho to wake up with a piece of them in front of him. A piece of all things magical, all things ethereal, angelic.




Etho could be anything, if it meant being something with Joel. 

Chapter Text

In the cramped apartment, music was never put to the side. From retro posters bought on all kinds of gigs and festivals to music discs and vinyls hanging on the dark walls. It was an undeniable piece of both Etho and Joel that they happily accepted.

Regardless of how different their taste in genre was, they listened to the other’s favourite artist like a prayer. They didn’t (usually) argue about the songs they enjoyed. If they did, it was mostly about famous pop stars; how Joel found them magnificent and smart while Etho quite the opposite, awful and brainless.

That didn’t stop them from attending various different concerts together, way too often. When they necessarily didn’t adore the singers, Etho would jump in to say that going to a concert is an experience, it doesn’t matter if they like the artist or not.

Despite the fact Joel did throw up a lot during heavy metal concerts and Etho cringed through the whole of Sabrina Carpenter’s show, they didn’t intend to stop, as long as most of the time spent was absolutely awesome. And that’s what it usually was.

However, nothing could compare to how Joel acted at concerts. Etho loved it.

They were standing outside in the pouring rain of a thunderstorm invaded city. Their hair was soaking wet, so were their clothes..and everything else. In front of the two, was located a huge stage with reflectors flashing colourful blades of light on the audience and the band playing.

It was freezing cold, they were certain a major illness was going to invade them the next morning. But it didn’t matter now. It didn’t matter as they stood close to each other, Etho’s arms around Joel’s waist, his own one hand on Etho’s shoulder, the other holding a heavy plastic cup filled halfway with beer.

Taking a big sip from it, which left the cup filled only about a sixth of its original containment, he glanced into his boyfriend’s breathtaking pair of eyes, who stared at him like a dog’s at its owner. Big, shiny and almost sequined with how many colors were jumping in the irises, unusual of Etho’s normal squinted, monotone eyes.

“Wha?” Joel slurred, a crooked smile on his face, almost mischievous.

His boyfriend chuckled in response. “You’re so pink,” he giggled.

The brunette huffed. “A love song is playing, you should be romantic” he explained with an eye roll. 

Etho peeped back at the scene, where the four members were playing a piece he didn’t quite recognize. “What is it?” he asked.

“It’s Secret Door , you buffoon,” Joel took a hold of Etho’s bicep and pulled one of his hands up to his neck, letting his boyfriend raise the second. His fingers interlocked behind Joel’s neck.

The shorter set his hand on Etho’s waist in contrast to where they were a moment ago.
With the drums in the background starting their beat, Joel started waltzing around the available space they had, moving back and forth, from right to left, Etho following with his body, a smile plastered on his face, nectar orange blush on his cheeks and nose.

Etho giggled as Joel’s attitude turned from goofy, silly, lovely personality to a jokingly serious, nonchalant and romantic, the fine lad, as he liked to call it.

While the taller knew how incredibly drunk his boyfriend was, it didn’t stop them from having a banging time at the performance.

“It’s a magnolia celebration to be attended on a Wednesday night”  Joel sang the lyrics alongside the vocalist, only facing Etho, not the people that watched them with puzzled faces.

He mumbled a pair of words, as if he didn’t know the lyrics (Etho was sure he knew the song by heart) still acting like he was some charismatic gentleman.

The rain started to fall more heavily from the stormy clouds, thunder striking lightning miles away from them, still creating rumbles heard by everybody.

Droplets of water were splattered all over their flushed faces, dripping down their jaws down to their shoes and the dirty, muddy grass they had to stand on.

As the quick bridge of the song went by, Etho decided to join in on the fun the second he recognized the lines,

“And the Secret Door swings behind us” they both sang symphonically, not in the perfect octaves since neither knew much about the skill of singing.

“He’s sayin’ nothin’” Joel longed, slightly twitching the lyrics to fit who he was singing about.

“He’s just gigglin’ along” he continued, getting a chuckle out of Etho because.

He muttered out the other words, in a mess of being drunk with alcohol and love at the same time. Etho pulled Joel closer, his arms now awkwardly titled behind the other.

The taller sucked in a breath, careful not to trip as they rocked from side to side with the slow tune that played. Rain was making curved lines on his arms from where they dripped from Joel’s normally curly, now straight hair.

The brunette moved his foot closer to his boyfriend’s, their chests pressing together, sharing each other’s warmth and rapidly beating heartbeats.

His forehead touched Etho’s, looking back at it was finding himself having to stand on his tippy toes to actually reach the other’s height. Joel could admit, the view was a little silly, but did he care. For sure not.

 
Yet he smiled, smiled a genuine, loving smile at it, a giggle escaping his mouth before he leaned in, making their lips mush together in a sloppy from the water kiss.

Mindless of what he was holding, Joel dropped it to the ground to cup Etho’s heated cheek. He rubbed off the droplets, not leaning away for even a moment.

Neither did Etho, kissing the other’s cracked lips with passion, reverence and adoration, like 

nothing ever mattered except for Joel.

Which was true, not a single thing mattered more than the man he was currently kissing with, Joel.

The band didn’t matter, the lights didn’t matter, the strangers bumping into them didn’t matter, the eyes on them didn’t matter. Nothing mattered.

Nothing matters more than your love by your side.

Chapter Text

The smell of freshly baked goods never let Joel down. Despite him usually being the maker of them, the essence he would receive filled him with something indescribably amazing.

 The smoke filled his nostrils with a sweet scent as his gloved palms reached for the heated tray. Grabbing the sides of it, he raised the metal piece up to set it on the counter.

A satisfied sigh later, he pulled out a white plate with green cats embroidered on the outside and one big face of the animal in the circled middle. A memory appears in his head every time he sees it.

They walked into a local flea market in downtown Ichikawa. Cobblestone rumbling under them with every little step taken. Strangers from the city passed them like they would anyone else, which made them think they fit in a little more than a usual tourist would. 

Market stalls on their sides, they ambled by, observing the products displayed. There were a bunch of unknown spices, alongside fresh vegetables, fruit and mushrooms. All mixed with one another created a unique, almost unpleasant smell that Joel was sure he would rage over if it stayed for too long. 

Fortunately the more they walked the more the air smelled like regular air, sometimes even the fragrance of a cherry tree blooming close would enchant their senses. The plants still held their magical pink flowers high to the sky, bumblebees buzzing around and burying themselves in the nectar.

Joel’s eyes went wide awake at the sight of a small stand with ceramics. They were hung on angled poles, by strings on the ceiling and stood on the wooden counters, showing off their gorgeous, handmade designs. Red banners with white kanji written on the material rumpled in the wind, making it impossible to read the prices. 

That didn’t stop the brunette from dragging Etho by the arm towards the stand, in awe of how stunning the ceramics were. “Etho we need to get somethin’” he pleaded, approaching the stand to greet the old woman in his almost flawless Japanese. 

Then he began searching for the perfect piece, carrying out a casual conversation with the seller. Etho’s skills in the language were at least average so he could peep in here and there as he also began to look through the art pieces. 

His jaw dropped the second he saw the shine of a white bowl on one of the poles. Taking a closer look at it told him he had found the jackpot. It was an even round bowl made of a smooth white material with hand painted dark green cat in a position of beginning a trot, one front and back leg tilted forward, the others back. 

Looking into it proved there was much more to be impressed about. In the very middle of the inside of the dish was a big, chunky face of a cat smiling right at him with squinted eyes. He traced his fingers across the paintings, finding them to be slightly convex from the bowl itself.

“Joel” he whispered in astonishment, sending his partner a glance, which the other quickly caught.

The brunette’s eyes glinted in puzzlement. “Hm?” he tilted his head, reminding Etho of a cat. Another reason to buy it. 

“Look what I’ve found” he gently raised it up for Joel to admire.

He figured his boyfriend wouldn’t be as taken aback by how perfect the ceramic was, yet that might have been a false assumption.

“Aww!” Joel squealed in a high octave, making barely noticeable grabby hands towards Etho. 

He handed the brunette the bowl, letting him observe it better. 

Needless to say, they bought the ceramic right away, alongside overspending on other adorable pieces.

Joel might have spent a little too much time reliving the memory. He snapped out of it with a smile on his face, seeing the cookies without steam coming off of them already. 

He delicately pulled them off the tray into the dish, taking into consideration that they have to be evenly placed. Perfect.

Untying the apron around his waist, he hung it on the small hanger before waddling over to the small dark table they owned. He placed the bowl in the middle, between two plates , glasses, and cutlery. On the edge of it stood a bottle of Winchester whiskey, the liquor already poured into the glasses by Etho. 

On the counter nearby was a nightstand lamp which’s lampshade was made of multi-hued stained glass, glowing in all the colours in different directions. 

The shorter scattered to turn off the main lights, leaving their cramped apartment dimply lit with a plethora of shapes and colours. 

He came back and comfortably sat himself on the plush of the chair, opposite of his boyfriend’s whose white hair now glowed orange because of the stained glass lampshade.

“Orange suits you, ginger” he giggled, putting the glass of alcohol up to his lips to take a sip, bashing his long eyelashes at his boyfriend.

Etho’s eyebrows furrowed. “Oh, don’t you dare” he smirked, rolling his eyes playfully. Not many people knew that red is his natural hair shade, most assumed milky white was what he was born with, which sounds diabolical but some people just don’t dig as much as Joel does for information. 

“Oh yes, I will” the brunette countered, snagging a cookie from the reminiscent dish. He took a bite of it and hummed. “They’re alright” he commented, shrugging. 

“Don’t be so humble, Joel”  Etho smirked, grabbing one too and tasting it. “They’re amazing, as always,” he praised. 

Joel groaned in response,“Stop it..” his face grew red and flushed from embarrassment. No matter how long they have been in a relationship, he wasn’t good at receiving compliments, in contrast to his great skill at giving them. 

“Never” Etho sneered happily, eyes twinkling. 

The rest of their night was spent chatting about everything and nothing, like they always would.

Chapter Text

Etho was never good at running.

Honestly, any form of physical exercise mortally exhausted him and made him feel like a filthy, crumpled up rag. That’s why he never really reached towards acquiring any sort of healthy form, sticking to expired ramen almost every afternoon as his only meal of the day. The laziness in his heart didn’t let him have the strength to prepare actual, edible food. 

He spent days rotting mindlessly in his apartment, the ringing of a call he hadn’t answered filling his ears with an aching sound. The empty cans of energy drinks scattered on the floor creating a pattern of different nutrition labels and long ingredients lists instead of a nice, soft rug. 

Now, he was regretting every single unhealthy decision he had ever made in his entire life. 

Forced to run, Etho’s legs moved wobbly on the mossy ground of the forest. He didn’t see where in the world he was heading, just that he had to run and he had to run fast. 

As much as he tried, the other set of footsteps followed way too quickly for him to get any distance between both of them. 

Unluckily for him, the person that was chasing him like a wolf would a rabbit, sharp fangs centimeters away from sinking into his neck and brutally ripping his head off, had a form he knew he would never be able to achieve, catching up to him in no time. 

Gasping for even a huff of air, he used the skinny pine trees surrounding him to push himself further into the dark, away from the chaser. 

In the distance, he did see a splash of light, so far away he doubted he would ever be able to reach it, even at a normal walking pace. 

Alongside the nervous chirping of birds and fearful calls of owls, he could almost hear the manic laughter of the person behind him, their eyes filled with murder, the smell of fresh blood on the knife that nicked his arm a moment ago.

He could swear the tears that fell like aggressive waterfalls from his eyes were flying off his skin onto the chaser’s face. He believed the tears would set them off track. 

Etho swore it was going to be the end of him, any dreams of the future lost and sent into the abyss. Hopeless, he tried to stretch his lifespan just a couple of seconds further.

Yet a glint of hope set before his eyes when somehow he reached a clearing in the forest. A pale, almost gray, green meadow spread across the land in the form of a neat circle. Wilted flowers surrounding his damaged feet with awoken insects flying away with their wings fluttering.

His hair flowed gently with the wind, he almost felt like a free bird flying to the unknown, away from the cold winter. 

And as the white dove of freedom set off its journey;

It tripped over a fallen tree branch on the ground. 

Etho fell tumbling down, a gasp escaping his lips as he hurriedly tried to get back up the moment he realized his accident. Hands dirty with wet dirt, he settled them steadily under him and pushed up to stand again. 

Except he couldn’t. 

A weight was placed strictly on the bones of his spine, keeping him down on the ground. Inhaling sharply, he tried to push up harder, only to fumble and lose control of his arms. His head fell to the ground with a distinct thud, cheek landing on the cold, wet soil. 

“You thought you could get away, hm?” the chaser’s foot dug into his back harder, making him wince. 

“Joel, stop ” Etho groaned at the man, desperately trying to wiggle out of the deafening pressure. 

Joel rearranged the way he was pinning Etho down, in the second he was out of the other’s grip, Etho crawled forward to again attempt a getaway. 

However, the chaser’s knee was pushed into the same place the foot had been. It felt like a burning bullet piercing through him. Etho yelled in pain, eyes widening when, through the gusts of wind, chirps of nightbirds, buzzes of bugs, he heard a clear crack. 

“ F-Fuck,” he swore sharply. In the corner of his eye, which was barely touching the infectious dirt, he saw tiny, dot-like bugs climbing up his flushed skin from where it hit the ground. 

Joel chuckled when he saw the creatures. 

“You’re already decaying,” his hand wrapped around Etho’s neck, nails digging into it harshly. “Even the Earth doesn’t want you here no more” his grip tightened, making the air in Etho’s lungs escape swiftly into the atmosphere. 

Etho acknowledged Joel’s other hand gripping his right arm roughly. Etho could swear the bugs had climbed into his wounds as they were starting to weirdly itch and tickle. He decided to stop thinking about it when the remains of the highly processed food he had eaten threatened to leave his body the same way they came from. 

With moonlight shining at them like a flashlight, highlighting every part of Etho’s aching body, every flaw, every mistake, Joel’s strong and merciless self, it messily brought the whole world’s attention to them. The wind threw its shivers to them, the grass pierced holes in Etho’s skin, the insects wandered in his snowy, impure hair, the earthworms found their home in the warmth of his limbs, the rabbits hopped in the distance, too embarrassed to help, the fireflies brought a calming warmth, soothing his imperfections like a lover’s touch. 

It was hard to take a simple breath, it felt like a miracle when even a small sniff of air could be inhaled. Etho was grateful that not everything had given up on him. The air stayed, the fireflies stayed. 

Joel’s other leg settled on Etho’s arm, the hand that stood there lifting up.  The mark it left was slowly turning green. “You’re becoming one with the grass, Etho” he laughed. 

He hated how Joel said his name, with the slight lisp of being unable to properly pronounce ’th ’, replacing it with ‘ f ’. He loved it once, now it was poison burgling into his brain, melting it like acid. 

“Shut it ” Etho threatened with the last huff of air his lungs occupied. 

Joel gasped in response, digging for something in the pocket of his vest. Once he found it Etho felt a sharp, cold object against the skin of the back of his neck. It cut in a neat, straight line, getting a giggle out of its holder. 

The blood crickled outside his body, creating small droplets that quivered for a while before spilling down to his back like streams of water on the mountainside. 

“The more you talk; the more you suffer,” Joel grinned. That sick, manic grin of a cheshire cat. 

Etho didn’t find it funny in any way, yet a smile spread on his face in a kind of despair. 

“Why are you smiling? Hope’s faded?” The brunette pressed his thumb against the cut of the razorblade he held, the liquid squirting out. Etho jerked away on instinct, earning another slash of the weapon, right next to the previous. 

No answer left Etho’s mouth, which he figured made Joel more furious. The man had always been a huge attention seeker. Always jumping in every conversation, making himself a fool for the sake of a few snickers. 

“Awh,” he cooed. “The desperate little bunny can’t talk anymore?” he leaned down, the strands of brown hair now touching Etho’s forehead. 

His eyebrows simply furrowed at the disgusting degradation. Not that he could do anything else. He was worryingly quickly turning limp. 

The insects were wiggling under his skin, digging into his blood vessels, laying eggs in his insides. Cracking his bones, making his body unable to be used ever again. 

Joel slit another line onto Etho’s neck, this time at a slight angle downwards. Etho felt his breath close to the tingling blood, breathing down on it.  “You fucking regret it now, don’t you?” he let out a growl, like an aggressive wolf.

 Etho wheezed breathlessly in pain as Joel’s sharp as a blade teeth sunk into the wound. If his lungs had any more air left in them, he would scream louder than ever before. He felt the teeth pull the tag of skin down, tearing apart more of the tissue. 

The cold breeze fell upon his revealed raw skin as Joel sliced the piece off with his surprisingly sharp rectangle razor blade.

“You better die regretting it, Etho,” sneered the brunette, discarding the skin off on the ground, carelessly. With specks of dirt on his fingertips, he pressed them against the pulsating wound, Etho squeezing his eyes at the awful pain that came with it. 

Etho’s already limited vision was now blinded with blobs and dots of black littering his eyesight when Joel squeezed his throat tighter, moving up to cup his cheek in the deafening grip with the fingers that weren’t around his throat. 

“You regret it right, Etho?”

“You regret it, you regret it, you regret it” he whispered like it was a task, hastily, without stutters. 

“You regret it, you regret it, you regret it” his nails dug into Etho’s skin wherever they were placed, he couldn’t register where each was. 

“You regret it, you regret it, you regret it” Joel’s limbs were shaking shockingly fast, as he pressed harder into the ground, blood speckered over his palms and all of Etho.

“You regret it” Etho’s body went limp, not a care in the world anymore. 

The birds stopped chirping. The owls stopped calling. The bugs stopped buzzing. The world went quiet