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“Grief is like the ocean; it comes in waves, ebbing and flowing. Sometimes the water is calm and sometimes it is overwhelming. All we can do is learn to swim.”
Vicki Harrison
One Year Later
“Baby, I’m back!” Tommy announced loudly as he made his way through the front door, his arms loaded with grocery bags. He kicked the door closed behind him and made his way towards the kitchen where he knew his boyfriend would be situated.
“I got you everything on the list. I had to drive to three different stores but I got — Evan, what on earth have you done to our kitchen.” Tommy stopped in the doorway at the bombsite that laid in front of him.
The kitchen was covered with empty bowls, trays of food and cookbooks. Absolutely everywhere. They were hosting their very first BBQ in the new house, and to say that Evan went overboard would be an understatement. Evan looked up from the current cook book that he was flicking through and flash Tommy a bright smile.
“Hey babe! Sorry, I was just looking for the recipe for that chicken marinade that you like so much.” Evan replied cheerfully. He closed the cookbook and turned to turn the stove off, removing the pan to cool down.
“I thought you had that memorised?” Tommy asked fondly as he dropped the groceries bags onto the counter.
“I thought I did but something is missing. Wait, let me text Bobby it’s probably his recipe, he’ll know what’s -“ Evan stopped. His thumbs hovered over the keyboard as he looked down at the text thread. At the countless number of texts that he had spent over the past year.
“Ev…”
“I-I forgot. Just for a brief moment, I forgot.”
“Hey, it’s okay.” Tommy said softly as he stepped around the counter to be beside his boyfriend. He reached forward to try and take his hand but Evan pulled away almost immediately.
“It’s not okay!” He snapped, his tone coming out more angrier and harsher than expected. He sucked in a breath and ran a hand over his face, dropping his phone onto the counter as he did.
“Sorry. It’s…sometimes I forget. For 30 seconds I forget that he’s dead a-and everything feels right with the world. Then I remember t-that he’s….” He stopped speaking the second the hot tears began streaming down his face. Tommy moved towards him again and this time, Evan allowed him. He gently placed a hand on Evan’s hip and waited for him to continue.
“I’m just so…angry. At myself for forgetting and at him for…leaving me.” He choked out as he furiously wiped away the tears. Tommy’s arm moved to snake around his waist and pulled him close. He delicately brushed his curls from his forehead and kissed him softly on his temple.
“You're still grieving. And you probably will be for a very long time. But you shouldn’t get angry with yourself for forgetting and being fine. Bobby wouldn’t want that for you.” Tommy spoke softly as his other arm came around Evan and pulled him into a hug. Evan’s body fell into Tommy heavily, his hands moving to clutch the back of his shirt tightly.
“I think I need to lay down for a while. Could you tell everyone to come a little bit later?” Evan mumbled into Tommy as he buried his head deep into the crook of his neck.
“Of course, baby. Whatever you need.”
Two Years Later
“Buck? Are you almost ready? It’s nearly time to go.” Maddie asked as she poked her head into the dressing room. Her brother was standing in front of a floor length mirror, fumbling over the tie that was wrapped around his neck.
“Yeah I’m almost, shit, sorry! I-I’m trying to do this stupid tie.” Evan huffed as he threw his hands up in defeat. Maddie giggled as she made her way towards her baby brother. She wiggled her finger, a silent request to take over and he happily complied; turning on his heels to face her. Evan fell silent, chewing on my bottom lip as he watched Maddie reloop the tie around his neck and began her work.
“Did I ever tell you about my first date with Abby?” He said after a moment.
“The date where you got an emergency tracheotomy after choking on bread?” Maddie paused her fingers and tilted her head. She looked up to Evan with a look that he couldn’t quite work out.
“Before that…I was getting ready at the firehouse. I-I was nervous as hell and Bobby was there. He talked some sense into me and helped with my tie. It felt…nice.”
“It sounded nice.” Maddie replied softly as she continued, though her eyes didn’t move from her brother's face.
“I-I kinda always thought that he would be here. Doing the same thing. Fixing my tie, talking me off the ledge.”
“Do you need talking off the ledge?” Maddie questioned. Her hands moved from his tie and down towards the lapels of his jacket, tugging on them gently.
“God no, I’m excited to get married. Tommy is the love of my life. I just…” He stopped himself from speaking again with a heavy, sad sign. His left hand came up to rest on top of Maddie’s, squeezing it tightly.
“Miss him?” Maddie questioned, getting a sad hum in response. Maddie patted her brother on the chest before she stepped backwards and moved to the small gift bag that she had placed on the coffee table when she first walked in.
“I have a present for you.” She said as she held the bag out to Evan. Carefully, he took it from her and peered inside. After not getting a clear view of the mystery item inside, he stuck his hand in and pulled out a small velvet box. He let the gift bag drop to the floor as he opened the box, gasping once he finally caught sight of what was inside.
“Are these Bobby’s?” Evan asked quietly as he pulled out the rosary beads that were nestled inside. His thumb gently brushed over the cross that dangled at the end, taking a moment to take in how they felt in his hand.
“Athena found them over a year ago. She said that something was telling her that she needed to keep them for something special. And when she found out that you were getting married, she just knew. She said that Bobby would want you to have them.” Maddie gently looped her fingers around the beads and pulled them from Evan’s hand. She tucked them inside his breast pocket until just the cross was visible. Her hand hovered over it for a moment before it came to rest directly on top.
“See? He’s going to be right there with you the whole way. Now let’s go get you married.”
Three Years Later
“Maddie just texted, she’s at the bar with Tommy now. They are getting the first round of drinks in.” Chimney announced as he made his way into the locker room. He was already dressed in his casual clothes, though they were slightly more formal than normal.
“Awesome, are we getting an Uber over there?” Eddie asked as he stuffed his duffle bag into his locker.
“I’ll drive. I had to pick up an extra shift tomorrow so I’m not going to be drinking anyway.” Came Ravi from the other side of the room. He was sitting on the bench just behind Evan making quick work of his shoes.
“Cool. You coming with us Buck?” Chimney asked as he turned to his brother in law. Evan looked over his shoulder and saw all three men looking at him patiently.
“Erm, yeah! I-I just need a minute.” He responded as he turned back to face the locker. While they were talking he was slowly taking down all of the memories that he stored inside and carefully tucking them inside his duffle bag.
“Okay bud, we’ll meet you by the car.” Eddie replied. All three men made their way out of the locker room, leaving Evan briefly alone in silence.
“You know you can’t stand there with your head in the locker all night? As of fifteen minutes ago it’s no longer yours.” Hen’s voice filled the locker room after a few minutes. Evan turned to face her — she was stood with her arms cross leaning against the door frame and still in her uniform. He let out a humorless laugh as he shut the locker door and pressed his back against it.
“Do you think he would be disappointed in me for leaving?” He asked.
“Buck…”
“I’ve known for a long time that this place wasn’t home anymore….it’s not right without Bobby. And as great as a captain you are Hen, you're not…” He signed as he pushed off from the locker and moved to sit on the bench in front. Mirroring his actions, Hen joined him, taking a seat beside him.
“I get it, Buck. Sometimes I sit in that office and expect him to stroll right in and tell me my time is up.” Hen spoke softly. Her hand came up and rested on his shoulder as a sign of comfort.
“But you have to know, he could never be disappointed in you. You made him mad and frustrated but not disappointed. He would be so proud of you for finally taking the leap. You are not the same hotheaded kid you were when you first walked through those doors.” Hen’s words felt heavy in the air.
He knew it was all true, because he’s heard Bobby say it so many times before. His last words still haunted Evan, they still stung when he thought about it. Though he very rarely felt breathless when he thought about it for too long.
“We should have got more time with him.” Evan whispered.
“I know.”
Four years later
“Who has eyes on the cake?”
“I’m pretty sure Karen was bringing the cake.”
“Me? No, Eddie said he was picking it up on the way in!”
“I did pick it up. I left it in the kitchen where Maddie told me.”
“I have the cake!” Announced Chimney as he walked out into the garden from the kitchen. He placed the small round cake in front of Buck and Tommy and stepped out of the way.
“You guys really didn’t have to do this.” Tommy said as he looked over the cake and the decorations that surrounded them.
“Of course we did! Now cut the cake, I want to know if I’m getting a niece or nephew.” Maddie said, her body vibrating with excitement. A chorus of laughter came from their friends and family as all their eyes fell onto the couple. Evan took a hold of the knife first, with Tommy stepping behind him and wrapping his arms around his waist; hands resting on top of Evan’s.
“You ready?” Tommy whispered softly in his ear before kissing the soft spot just behind it.
“Of course.” Evan whispered back. He began pushing the knife into the cake, waiting with bated breath to see what colour the inside was going to be. He pulled the knife out and caught sight of the speckles of blue that covered the knife.
It’s a boy.
Cheers erupted in the garden. Everyone surrounded them, waiting to take their turn to hug the soon to be parents. Evan felt so much joy in the moment, surrounded by his family, in the house that he owned with his husband, celebrating their unborn son. He had never felt so settled in his life.
And yet something was missing. Or someone.
After the last hug and congratulation from Lucy, Evan turned on his feet and waited for one more. One more hug from the person he knew he would never get it from. And then all that joy that he felt just moments before immediately morphed into grief. It hit him so hard in the chest he felt like he couldn’t breathe.
“Ev, honey? You okay?” Tommy sounded concerned as he placed a hand on Evan’s shoulder.
“Y-Yeah. I-I just need a minute.” Evan choked out before he stumbled back into the house. He doesn’t really know where he was going but it seemed that his feet took him to the unfinished nursery. He fell over his feet slightly, his hands catching onto the bars of the crib to keep him on his feet.
In the silence of the room, for the first time in a very long time, Evan sobbed. Uncontrollably.
Five years later
The house filled with the noise of laughter and chatter from his family. They had just finished Christmas dinner and the kids, with help from Eddie, were setting up to play whatever new game that Tommy had bought for the holidays.
Hen, Chimney and Josh stood by the fire talking away about something trivial. Ravi stood with Tommy, who had a baby monitor in one hand and a glass of whiskey in the other. And Karen and Maddie sat on the couch, laughing about some reality TV show that they are both obsessed with.
Evan stood in the kitchen, putting away the last of the clean dishes, letting the spirit of the holiday wash over him.
“Dinner was incredible, Buck. But you didn’t have to clean as well. You should enjoy the holidays with that sweet boy of yours.” Athena said from behind him. Evan turned around to face her. She stood beside the kitchen island, glass of red wine in her hand and looking at him with soft eyes.
“It’s no problem. Plus, I’ve kinda fallen into the habit of keeping myself busy when he’s asleep so it’s just second nature to me now.” Evan chucked as he dropped the towel onto the counter and moved to stand with Atehan, picking up his own glass of wine as he travelled across the kitchen. They both stood there and looked over their little family, watching how happy and content they were together.
“You do remind me of him a lot, you know? Now that you are older and married and a dad. He really has rubbed off on you.” Athena spoke, her voice dripping with nostalgia and sadness, though the smile on her face told him otherwise.
“Do you think we’ll ever stop grieving him?” Evan asked her quietly. They very rarely talk about, their grief and sadness surrounding Bobby’s death. But when he did, he felt that he could open up to her more than the rest of his family.
“I think it will always be there. For me, it comes and goes in waves. But it’s got easier with time.”
“Sometimes I feel like I’m being hit by a train with how hard it gets to me. It’s almost like I can’t breathe. Even on days like this where it’s supposed to be happy. I still think about how he’s missing it all.”
“He would have loved your hot fudge cake.” Athena commented as she gently knocked Evan’s shoulder with her own. Evan let out a laugh as he turned his head slightly to look down toward her. She was looking up to him with a small smile on her face.
“Tommy said the exact same thing to me last night when I was making it.” Evan replied. He turned his attention back to the glass of wine in his hand, watching as the liquid rippled as he gently moved the glass.
“I miss him so much, Athena.”
“Me too, Buck. Me too.”