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“Stay with me.” As the tendrils of sleep syrup pull me down, I hear him whisper a word back, but I don’t quite catch it.
Catching Fire, Suzanne Collins
-
The bright sun beats down through Buck’s thick uniform and he silently curses it. Not because he’s hot and sweating underneath his jacket, but because it feels like the universe is making fun of them, laughing at their pain. If Buck could force clouds to come and weep down onto this one blocked off LA street, he would, but that’s just one more thing he can’t do. Bobby Nash deserved so much better than this.
He stands in line with his team. They’re waiting for the ceremony to begin. Athena and the kids stand in front of them. He hasn’t spoken to any of them since it happened.
He looks over towards Eddie, he stands out against the rest of them in his plain black suit. Eddie doesn’t look back.
He turns the other way and locks eyes with Tommy. Buck can’t remember why he’s standing in line with the 118. He’s not part of their team. He didn’t know Bobby that well at all. Tommy smiles at him, and it sends a shiver down his spine. Something is wrong.
He turns his head again, “Hen?” He whispers, but she just glances at him, rolls her eyes, and moves to the end of the line away from him.
He hears a cry and looks forward to see May squatting down, clutching a folded flag close to her chest, sobbing into it. Her entire body shakes, the sounds escaping her hauntingly hollow. He wants to reach out, but his body is frozen where it stands. Athena holds Harry in a tight embrace, the breath escapes Buck’s lungs as he notices the hateful gaze pointed towards him over Athena’s shoulder.
He should’ve done more. He could’ve done more. He could’ve saved him. Everyone knows it.
Buck staggers backwards.
“Where do you think you’re going?”
He turns to face his entire team, anger, hate, disappointment, grief.
“I’m sorry,” He tells them, “I’m so sorry.”
“Why didn’t you do anything?” Chimney asks.
“I-”
“You were supposed to save him.” Ravi says.
“I know, I-”
“I could’ve come back,” Eddie spits.
“You still can, wh-”
“You failed us,” Hen interrupts, “It’s over.”
Tears well up in his eyes and his breathing becomes shallow. Buck doesn’t know what to say, so he takes a step backwards again, hoping to flee, but he runs right into a body.
“Looks like everything’s coming together for us, huh Evan?”
Buck turns, now face to face with Tommy.
“What?” He rasps, confused. How could he say that when everything is clearly falling apart?
Tommy just laughs at him.
He looks around, at the seemingly hundreds of engines lining the street, the flag hanging in the middle, the turnout coat with the name Nash printed across the bottom. The sight of the casket makes him nauseous.
“This is your fault.”
“We trusted you.”
“You let him die.”
-
Buck wakes up with a jolt, sucking in air. The bright fluorescent lights above him snap him back into reality almost immediately, any remnants of sleep pulled from his body. He forces himself to sit up in the hard waiting room chair he had slouched down into. Maddie has a gentle hand on his arm, looking at him with concern. She must have woken him up, he thinks.
“Hey, hey,” She speaks softly, getting him to meet her gaze.
“Sorry,” Buck rasps, then stops breathing, “Is something wrong?”
“No! No, everyone is fine,” She replies quickly, a soothing hand running up and down his arm. He releases his breath. “It’s just getting late, Buck, visiting hours are over, you should go home and rest.”
He furrows his brow. “But- but what if something happens? I want to be here, okay? What if- if someone needs me?”
“I’m staying with Chimney,” She crouches down in front of him, he feels like a child, “Ravi was already sent home, he’s fine. Karen is with Hen, she should be going home in a couple days. Athena is with Bobby and May’s coming back tomorrow morning, okay? You can too. What you need to do right now is go home and get some sleep. Everyone will still be here when you come back.”
Buck nods, looking down at his lap.
“Everyone’s got someone,” He says quietly. The deeper meaning isn’t lost on Maddie, he knows that.
“They do,” she says gently, “Everyone is safe now. Your job is done, so you can go home and take care of yourself.”
Buck lets out a long sigh, the weight of the day finally settling down on him. The exhaustion starts to overpower any desire he has to stay now that everyone is safe and looked after. It’s a weird realization he has, that almost everyone he loves is in this hospital, but none of them need him.
With that, he lets Maddie pull him up and order him an Uber, but only because his phone has been dead for hours. She pulls him into a tight hug as they reach the doors. He can’t even imagine how terrified she must have been on the other side of the radio. He squeezes her harder.
“Text me when you get home, okay?” She asks, “I love you.”
“I will, I love you too.” He sees the car pull up outside. “Goodnight Mads, please call me if anything changes with anyone.”
She agrees and he finally forces himself to turn away from where he had to watch his family disappear hours ago.
Thankfully, his driver doesn’t ask many questions, and Buck is able to hold it together as he gets into the house. He puts his phone on the charger in the bedroom, stares blankly into the fridge because he knows he should eat something, but ultimately ends up on the couch where everything finally washes over him.
It was easy to compartmentalize the fear when he had a job to do, when he was actively trying to save everyone, but now that it’s over, now that everyone is safe and stable, he allows himself to break.
His eyes well up with tears and his lip starts to shake. He takes one shuddering deep breath in, and then everything falls. He thinks about what could’ve been if they didn’t get to them in time, the kids who almost lost their parents, the funerals he would’ve stood in. His nose runs and wet cries escape his mouth. He tries to wipe the wetness from his face, but it just keeps coming. His senses shrink to just where he sits and the coffee table in front of him.
He doesn’t hear the sound of a car pulling into the driveway, or footsteps on the concrete, or a key turning in the lock. He doesn’t see the door open, or the lights turn on. He doesn’t hear Eddie calling his name. He doesn’t process anything until he feels strong arms wrap around him, pulling him to lean his head against soft fabric, and when he feels smaller arms wrap around him from the other side. He wants to say something, anything, but the sobs just escape him harder and faster. Eddie and Christopher’s touch forcing every last bit of fear and anguish and relief out of him.
After a while, his body starts to come back to him, and Buck can hear Eddie whispering to him, a hand running through his hair as it holds his head to Eddie’s chest, the press of lips to his hairline. Chris rests his head on Buck’s shoulder, silent, but breathing in time with him.
“It’s okay,” Eddie whispers, “No llores, no llores, it’s okay, don’t cry. Everyone’s okay, we’re here for you now.”
Buck reaches up to hold onto the arms cradling him. One hand on Eddie, the other on Chris. He relaxes into their grip, sinking further onto Eddie. Finally, he can get a deep breath in. The tears stop, the shaking stops, and he can see the light at the end of the tunnel. All of the things he was imagining, the worst outcome to a horrible day, none of them would actually happen because everyone is okay. He might have to keep reminding himself of that for a while.
But right now, in this moment, there’s something more important to think about.
“What are you two doing here?” Buck asks in a moment of quiet, voice cracking. Eddie chuckles softly.
“You really think we wouldn’t come?” He counters. “We would’ve been here sooner if Christopher wasn’t in school.”
“Which I’m still annoyed about, by the way.”
“And because the news channel wasn’t exactly helpful and I didn’t know it was the 118 until Maddie texted me.”
“Maddie texted you?” Buck questions. He can’t remember a single time when Eddie and Maddie have talked outside of big gatherings.
“Yeah,” Eddie says, “At least someone answers. Although I figured out pretty quickly why you weren’t answering my calls.”
“Her whole job is the phone. Plus my phone died.”
“I know, it’s okay, I was just worried.” Eddie’s arms tighten around him slightly. “We both were, so we came back as soon as we could.”
“How long are you here?”
“Forever, I hope,” Chris answers for his dad. Buck sits up at that, suddenly much more alert.
“What- what do you mean forever?” Buck looks between both of them. “You’re moving back?”
Eddie sits up as well, unwrapping his arms from Buck, and he immediately feels cold creep in where his skin was pressed against Eddie’s. Eddie shifts to look directly at Buck, a small smile on his face.
“I’m not gonna throw you out, if you’re worried about that,” He says. Buck scoffs.
“I don’t care about that, I would sleep on the sidewalk outside if it meant you two were moving back here, are you kidding?” Eddie and Christopher aim matching giggles towards him.
“I didn’t want you to be alone anymore, Buck,” Chris mumbles, “And I hate Texas.”
Buck laughs. It’s gross and wet and snotty, but he can’t help the pure joy that comes out of him hearing Chris say what everyone in the room has been thinking. He pulls the kid closer to him and (not so) secretly gets even more emotional over how different he feels. Sharper corners and longer limbs, but still that same little boy.
“Well I’m really glad you guys are here,” Buck tells them, “I’m sorry it took a disaster to get you back.”
“We were always gonna come back,” Eddie says matter-of-factly.
Chris starts to yawn, so Eddie leaves Buck on the couch to help him get settled for bed, taking a bit too long rooting through their hastily packed suitcases for anything that resembles pajamas. They disappear down the hall and Buck can hear Chris remark on how his room looks exactly the same. Buck just smiles.
He’s started to drift off a little when Eddie comes back.
“Alright, you gotta get off my bed,” Eddie pokes at him, “I’m wiped.”
“No way, this is still your house, you can have your room back,” Buck argues.
“Buck ,” His friend glares at him, “You just spent all day trying to save our friends from a literal deathtrap, I think you deserve to sleep in your bed.”
“But-”
“Don’t make me call Maddie.”
Buck retreats to his bed after making sure Eddie has enough blankets and pillows, and then double checking, and triple checking, and making sure one last time that, yeah, he’s actually here. He only leaves for good when Eddie throws a decorative pillow at him and threatens bodily harm.
-
Buck sits in Bobby’s office, he feels numb.
“Why didn’t you pay more attention?” Bobby asks. Buck snaps his head up from where he had spaced out looking at the floor. He couldn’t focus on anything Bobby was saying to him before, too caught up in everything that had happened.
“What?” Buck questions.
“I’m trying to plan this ceremony for Ravi and I was hoping you would be a bit more helpful.” Bobby stares at him, disappointed. “I thought you guys were hanging out? Why don’t you know anything about him?
“Ceremony?” Buck feels stupid. He’s confused. And now he’s looking back at every conversation he’s had with Ravi and realizing, yeah, he doesn’t know anything about the guy.
“His funeral, Buck,” Bobby says tersely, “Because he’s dead, remember?”
His vision goes blurry. His heartbeat picks up. The room suddenly turns ice cold. He remembers everything now.
Ravi, who seemed perfectly fine until the end. Until, out of nowhere, he collapsed and never woke up, running out of oxygen without knowing. Suddenly Buck stands over his body, pale blue, lifeless. He screams at him to wake up, do something, open his eyes, but there’s no use. He’d been dead hours before they got to him.
“What would he want?” Bobby asks.
“I- I don’t know.” Buck admits, lump in his throat.
“Who is his family?”
“I don’t know.”
“You’re supposed to know, Buck,” Bobby presses, “Think.”
Buck thinks, he tries, he thinks back to every conversation they’ve had, but he comes up with nothing.
“I don’t know, Bobby,” He blurts, “I never asked, okay? I’m sorry. I never asked.”
“You’re such a disappointment, Buck.”
“You used me,” A voice says from behind Buck. Ravi. He turns around to face him, still pale blue, nothing behind his eyes. “I was just your placeholder.”
Then blood starts to pour from his eyes, thick dark tears. It covers his entire face in seconds, down his neck and into his turnouts, it pools on the floor, and he becomes unrecognizable.
-
Buck wakes, covered in sweat. He stares wide eyed at the ceiling for a moment before kicking the too hot covers off and reaching for his phone. No messages.
He doesn’t bother to look at the time before pulling up Ravi’s contact and texting him.
You still doing okay?
Ravi texts back almost immediately. In a selfish way, Buck’s kind of glad he’s not the only one having trouble sleeping.
Yeah. You?
Yeah.
Buck lets out the breath he had been holding since waking up. He knows it was just a dream, he does. But the confirmation still helps.
He tries to go back to sleep, but he can’t keep his eyes closed for long enough. He’s too alert and on edge. He tosses and turns and tosses again. Bunches the sheets up by his feet and then pulls them up over his head. His heart still beats a little too fast.
After who knows how long, he pulls himself out of bed, planning to get a glass of water to soothe his dry throat.
He stands over the sink, glass empty, looking out of the window at the dark sky. He can catch a few stars if he squints. He goes through each member of his team, cataloging their status. Ravi, perfectly fine, home, alive. Hen, doing well, probably being sent home soon, alive. Chim, a miracle, but alive. Bobby, an even bigger miracle, and alive. Buck, exhausted, reeling, barely breathing despite being the one who was never in danger.
Eddie, leaning back against the counter next to him, looking at him with sleepy eyes and messy hair, alive, home, warm, beautiful.
“Trouble sleeping?” Eddie whispers. The tension in Buck’s shoulders finally starts to dissolve. He turns towards his friend, leaning a hip against the counter.
“Yeah,” Buck sighs, “Did I wake you up?”
“I’m glad you did,” Eddie says, giving Buck no room to apologize. He takes a deep, empathetic breath. Suddenly, Buck’s eyes start to well up again. He sniffs and turns his head away.
Then Eddie’s hands are on him, gently running fingers up Buck’s arms, pressing into his shoulders, and pulling him in. Buck rests his head against Eddie’s shoulder and wraps his arms around his waist, holding onto the fabric of his shirt. He lets a few tears silently slip out.
“I’m sorry I couldn’t be there with you,” Eddie murmurs, rubbing his back, “I’m sorry you had to go through that alone.”
“I had Athena,” Buck replies, “And I don’t know what I would have done if you were stuck in there too.”
“I’m so happy you’re okay, Buck.”
“I’m so happy you’re back.”
Eddie leans his head against Buck’s pressing his cheek into him.
“I’m never leaving again,” He says, whispering the promise into Buck’s hair, sealing it there forever, “Never leaving you.”
Buck holds on tighter in response. He’s never letting him go anyway.
-
His head spins. The room is too dark, even with the flashing lights disorienting him as he tries to look at what’s in front of him.
“You have to do it, Buck,” Chimney pleads from the other side of the glass. He doesn’t know how they got there, but somehow everyone is outside of the lab, everyone but him and Hen.
Hen, who is going to die if he doesn’t save her with his barely there medical training.
“Cut a hole, not too big.” Buck cuts, hand shaking. “Stop! That’s too much!” He looks up, eyes wide. Chimney stares at him, frustrated, while Ravi paces behind him, hands on his head. Bobby just shakes his head.
“Push your finger in.” Buck presses his finger into the cut. The room somehow gets darker, more confined. “But don’t-” He feels something strange, his finger shifts, then blood starts gushing out.
“Great,” Chimney mutters. Buck can barely see him through the tears in his eyes and the lights still flickering around him. “You’ve killed her.”
“What?” Buck gasps, looking back down at Hen. Blood steadily pours out of her, her skin turning pale. “No, no, Hen!” He tries to stop the bleeding with pressure, pressing against the area as hard as he can, but the blood just finds a way to seep through his fingers.
He hears gurgling and a gasp, and suddenly Hen is staring up at him. She looks at him for a moment, then rolls her eyes and turns away from him.
“Of course it’s you,” She grits, “It always has to be you.”
“Hen, please, just stay with me, okay?” Buck pleads, “It’s going to be okay, I promise.”
“It’s not okay,” Hen shakes her head at him, “You’re killing me.”
When he looks back down at his hands, they’re completely covered in blood. It drips down his wrist and onto the floor, into a puddle that spans most of the room. It’s too much. It shouldn’t even be possible.
“Great job,” Chimney says, now standing right in front of him, “You’ve Bucked it up once again.”
-
Buck wakes with a hoarse cry, his entire body tense. His face is tacky from crying in his sleep. He feels a pressure on his shoulder and a dip in the bed that shouldn’t be there, and registers, “Eddie.”
“Hey,” Eddie says softly, “Hey, it’s okay.”
Buck just stares up at him, not quite knowing what to do. He thinks if he says anything more he may break again. So he just breathes deeply, willing the tremors coursing through his body to go away and focusing on the light, almost orange, parts of Eddie’s eyes in the morning light.
“I wanted to let you sleep in, but figured I should get some breakfast in you,” Eddie murmurs, “Can’t imagine when the last time you actually ate was.”
“I don’t-” Buck clears his throat, “I don’t even know.”
“Came to wake you up and you were crying,” Eddie moves his hand from Buck’s shoulder to his face, pulling his sleeve over his thumb to wipe at Buck’s cheek. “Do you want to talk about it?”
Buck closes his eyes and shakes his head no. Eddie’s hand stays resting against his cheek and he can feel his soft gaze looking right into Buck’s brain.
“It was just-” He starts, but has to fight the tingling feeling that returns to his sinuses. He opens his eyes again to stare up at the ceiling in hopes that it will go away.
“The lab?” Eddie finishes for him, he nods in assent. Eddie takes a deep breath, eyes scanning across Buck’s entire face, studying him. He wants to smooth away the crease between Eddie’s brows, but he can’t seem to move much.
“It’s stupid,” Buck says, avoiding Eddie’s eye contact. He knows exactly the kind of face his friend will be making at him right now.
“Alright,” Eddie grunts, shifting on the bed, “C’mere.”
Then, he grabs Buck under the arms with a scowl on his face, and pulls him up into a sitting position like he weighs absolutely nothing. He grabs Buck by the chin and forces him to look right at him.
“It’s okay to still be afraid,” Eddie tells him, firm and sure, “I’m afraid, and I wasn’t even there. It’s not stupid. It’s human. It’s you . But you need to promise me you’ll let yourself feel it. Okay? You can’t bottle it all up, trust me.”
Buck releases a shaky breath, melting into Eddie’s touch.
“It’s just nightmares,” Buck whispers, “Things that didn’t even happen, I’m just making up the worst case scenarios and replaying them over and over again.”
“Is that what you were doing up in the middle of the night?” Eddie asks, softening the hold on Buck’s chin, “Another one?”
“Yeah.”
“God, I’m so sorry, Buck.” Eddie pulls him into a hug. Buck thinks they’ve hugged more in the past twenty-four hours than they probably have in their entire friendship. It still feels like a blessing every time, though, after so long thinking he was never going to be able to do it again.
“It’s okay,” Buck says into Eddie’s shirt, “It’ll pass, I hope.”
Eddie runs a hand up and down Buck’s back, his lips press against the side of his head, and Eddie freezes for a second, like he didn’t process what he was doing until he was already kissing Buck’s temple. He wonders if Eddie knew he was doing it last night too, or if it was just a habit from comforting Christopher, maybe even his sisters. The hand on Buck’s back pauses, then presses against him tighter before pulling away.
It doesn’t make Buck feel like a child, though, just loved.
“It will,” Eddie says, letting go of Buck and putting more space in between their bodies than there has been the entire morning so far. At least in Buck’s eyes. “We can go visit everyone first thing after breakfast, if you want?”
“Please, yeah.”
-
Buck squeezes Hen extra tight when they visit her room. No one says anything when tears once again start to burn his eyes.
After their reunions are over, Eddie getting extra hugs and hair ruffles and ‘please tell me you’re back for good’s, they settle down for a moment by Hen’s bedside. Karen and Buck taking the last chairs and Eddie perching on the arm of Buck’s without hesitation. They watch Christopher and Denny catch up, one of the pieces of joy to come out of a horrible few days.
Buck leans his head against Eddie, content. After a moment, he looks back towards Hen, who is already gazing at him with a soft, knowing expression. Like she sees what he’s been feeling too, that something between him and Eddie feels different now.
Buck clears his throat awkwardly and sits back up, Hen immediately chuckles at him, “Well, we should probably go check on everyone else.”
He jumps up out of his chair, almost knocking Eddie over, then kisses Hen on the cheek.
“Love you, Buckaroo,” Hen calls after him as he makes his way towards the door. He pauses, turns around to look at her again. Maybe it isn’t just something that’s changed between him and Eddie, he thinks, maybe they’ve all been changed. Made to appreciate each other more.
“Love you too, Hen.”
They decide to come back for Chris later, his sneaking-into-the-ICU-allowance still not quite replenished in Eddie’s mind.
Chimney is awake, but groggy. While Buck pulls his sister into a long hug, he can hear Chimney’s drug induced whining over the absence of Eddie’s mustache as if it hasn’t been gone for months. Maddie giggles into Buck’s shoulder and the sound of it makes him grin, light and airy and nothing like what he keeps hearing in his dreams. What he heard in real life not too long ago.
“How’s this, I’ll start growing it back, but you have to promise not to end up in the hospital again,” Eddie bargains. Chimney, the poor guy, high and stupid, dopily smiles up at him and nods.
“That sounds like a great deal to me,” Maddie says, pulling away from Buck, “What do you think, Buck? Pro mustache?”
“Very much so.” It slips out of him without much warning. Maddie looks at him, already reading him like he’s a kindergartener’s first book. Eddie keeps his eyes on Chim, but his growing smile and blush give him away.
When Chimney reaches up and starts to pet Eddie’s upper lip, Buck puts him out of his misery and switches places with him.
“Athena was just asking if we needed anything,” Maddie says, “I think she was running home for a bit.”
“How is she doing?” Eddie asks when Buck can’t get himself to respond.
“She seems okay, all things considered, but you know how she is.”
Buck’s secretly glad that she’s not around right now. He knows it sounds horrible, but he doesn’t think he can face her anymore. They were a good team, a great one, but that doesn’t erase the fact that Buck failed at protecting his original team.
He feels a hand brush against his forearm. Eddie looks at him softly, knowingly. “Want to go visit him?”
Buck exhales a shaky breath. He wants to say no. He wants to ignore it. But he can’t and he never would. He makes some sort of pathetic noise that signals a yes.
Eddie slides his hand from his forearm to gently rest on Buck’s waist, then guides him in the direction of the door. Buck squeezes Chim’s hand on the way, saying goodbye, then breaks away from Eddie to hug his sister again.
Aside from the sound of machines working, it’s silent in Bobby’s hospital room. They both decide to keep it that way.
Buck and Eddie stand side by side for a long moment, just watching their captain. He’s been unconscious since they pulled him out of the lab. The doctors are monitoring a couple things, but for the most part, they’re all just waiting for him to wake up.
Buck’s nose starts to burn, his eyes welling up. He’s really sick of crying, but it seems like that’s all he does anymore. He sits down in a chair by the bed and rests his head on his hands.
Eddie flips through the chart at the end of the bed. Then quietly breaks the silence, “Everything looks good here.”
Buck can’t respond. If he responds he’s going to break down. He can’t keep making Eddie deal with his breakdowns.
“Buck?”
Eddie puts the chart back and steps towards Buck. He has to clench his fists tight. Eddie tries to meet his eyes, Buck can see him moving his head to look at his face, but he won’t meet him. Eddie lets out a breath of air and places a hand in Buck’s hair. He moves closer and pulls Buck’s head in to rest against Eddie’s stomach. He reaches his other arm around to rub over his shoulders. Buck squeezes his eyes shut, but his chin starts trembling. It rips out of him like a bullet, gasping into Eddie’s shirt.
Eddie doesn’t speak, just holds onto him.
“You know what he said when he thought he was dying?” Buck chokes, “What he told me? He said that everyone was going to need me. But it’s not true. Nobody needs me.”
“Why would you say that?”
Buck wipes at his face, tries to calm himself down, but it’s not working.
“Because,” He says, “I’m the one who can’t hold it together. I’m the one who keeps making you take care of me and I can’t stop it. How am I supposed to be there for everyone else when I can barely look at them?”
“What are you blaming yourself for?” Eddie rubs a thumb over Buck’s temple.
“I could’ve done more.” Buck leans away to finally look at his friend. His face reads of grief, concern, even some of his own guilt. Buck shakes his head. “This shouldn’t have happened.”
Eddie’s face grows hard, his hands pause their soothing gestures.
“Buck, you saved them. That’s why Bobby said what he did. Because he knows you will fight for all of us as hard as you possibly can, plus more.” Eddie crouches down in front of him and brings his voice almost to a whisper, “You did the best you could.”
“Then why are we here? ” Buck points a shaking finger towards Bobby’s unconscious form.
“I wish I could answer that.”
-
It’s such a beautiful day. The sun is out, but it’s not too hot, that perfect in between weather you only get once in a great while. The smell of flowers in the backyard and food coming out of the kitchen make Buck want to close his eyes and bask.
Everyone around him is laughing, chatting. He watches Eddie and Chris have a conversation some feet away and smiles as Eddie ruffles his son’s hair. He’s so glad they’re back.
He feels something tugging at his pant leg and looks down.
“Uncle Buck!”
He grins and scoops up his niece, “Hi Jee! I gotcha.”
She places a small hand on his chest to steady herself in his arms. Then cocks her head at him.
“Uncle Buck, what are you doing?”
“What do you mean?” Buck chuckles, “I- I’m here, I’m hanging out with you.”
“Why are you letting Daddy die?”
Suddenly the happy child in his arms has gone stone faced, the sky seems to get darker, the air bites at his bare arms.
“What?”
“Why aren’t you helping him?” She asks, “You’re supposed to help people.”
Suddenly, the lab is in front of him. Only about ten feet away. He puts Jee back down and pushes her behind him, then starts to run towards the entrance. Except he can only take about two steps before he’s stuck. His legs feel like they’re made of lead, like they’re different sizes. The pain from his old injury flares up like it’s brand new. He can’t move.
“Uncle Buck!” Jee yells from behind him, “Go!”
He can’t go. He can’t go forward, he can’t turn around to look back at his niece, he’s completely stuck.
“Uncle Buck, please!”
He can see everyone else in his periphery looking towards them, confused. They start to shake their heads when they see he can’t do it. Like none of them are surprised in the slightest. Jee starts to cry and he begs his body to move to do something, but it refuses. The lights coming from the lab grow increasingly more sinister. Telling him what’s happening.
“Why aren’t you doing anything?” Jee cries, “Do something! Do something!”
“I can’t!” He yells, and instantly regrets it. He’s supposed to never give up. That’s who he is, or at least that’s who he thought he was. But here he is, showing everyone how unreliable Evan Buckley is in your most desperate time.
“Uncle Buck! Uncle Buck! Uncle Buck! Uncle Buck!”
-
“Buck!”
He shoots up, gasping, frantically starts looking around and taking in his surroundings. He doesn’t know where he is, but Eddie is in front of him sitting half on top of his thigh as if he rushed to him without paying much attention to where he ended up. The pressure helps bring Buck back to reality.
“It’s okay,” Eddie’s repeating, “You’re safe, everyone is safe, I’m here.”
Buck feels pathetic. He can’t keep doing this. He refuses to break down into Eddie’s arms for the millionth time. He forces himself to get his breathing under control.
“I’m fine,” He says, his voice betraying him with how it wavers. Eddie frowns at him.
“Don’t shut me out, Buck,” Eddie murmurs, “We can’t do that to each other right now, you know that.”
“That’s rich coming from you,” Buck bites. He doesn't know why he says it, but it soothes the part of him that wants to stop feeling so weak.
“Hey,” Eddie shifts and moves his weight off of Buck’s thigh. He wants to piss Eddie off, make him mad, start a fight, but he also doesn’t want him to go anywhere. “Stop,” Eddie says, fixing him with a look that makes all of the fight drain out of Buck’s body.
“I’m sorry,” He whispers, “I just don’t know how to be that person Bobby wanted me to be.”
Eddie hands him the water bottle he keeps next to the bed, humming. He waits for Buck to take a sip before he replies.
“You already are that person.”
“It doesn’t feel like it.”
“It might not, for a while.” Eddie takes the bottle and puts it back on the nightstand. He pulls a leg up to sit more of his body on the bed, bending it in front of him and on top of Buck’s thigh again. Buck runs the hem of his sweatpants between his fingers. “No one is expecting you to be the same after what happened. Maybe Bobby wanted you to take care of us, but that doesn’t mean we can’t take care of you too.”
Buck takes a deep breath and nods. Eddie’s fingers find his where they’re still fiddling with Eddie’s pant leg. He loosely links them together. Buck thinks, as long as Bobby comes out of everything okay, things might just be alright. Different, but maybe better.
“Will you stay with me?”
“Yeah,” Eddie agrees immediately. He slides off the bed, turns off the lamp he must have turned on when he came in, and walks around to the other side. He lies on his back in the bed, close enough to the center for Buck to wordlessly move himself into Eddie’s side. Eddie lifts an arm to allow Buck to come closer. “Of course,” He says as he drops his arm to wrap around Buck’s shoulders, effectively making him rest his head on Eddie’s chest, “Always.”
He sleeps through the rest of the night without any dreams, good or bad. When he wakes up, his arms are wrapped around a pillow and there’s a warm spot where Eddie used to be, but he’s already up and in the kitchen with coffee ready to press into Buck’s hands.
“How you feeling?” Eddie asks quietly.
“Better,” Buck answers honestly, “Thank you.”
“Don’t mention it.”
In the light of the morning, they both seem to revert back to their original selves. Forgoing this newfound emotional maturity that forces them to show each other their deepest hurt. They’ll go back to it of course, especially when Buck can still feel the phantom touch of Eddie’s chest against his cheek, but sitting in the kitchen now it’s nice to pretend like nothing has changed.
Grief is strange, Buck thinks. It’s not linear, it doesn’t take anyone down a path that makes sense. One day it sits so deep within you you can’t breathe, you can’t speak. The next you’re sitting in your kitchen drinking coffee with your best friend and you can’t remember what made you hurt so bad before. Until the next wave hits and the guilt of feeling okay in that moment almost knocks you over onto your hands and knees.
The strangest thing is that he isn’t even really grieving. No one died. But it still feels like he is. He’s grieving their lives as they knew them.
They decide to go on a run after breakfast. Buck because he’s itching with the need to get some fresh air, and Eddie because he wants to start getting back into shape before returning to work. Something that Buck still can’t quite believe is happening. He keeps expecting to turn the corner and see Eddie and Christopher’s bags packed back up and plane tickets at the ready.
He’s really sick of this weird in-between feeling.
The burn of the morning air in his lungs helps to clear his head for a while. It feels good to be side by side with Eddie in silence, just the sound of their footsteps against pavement, without the burden of the past few days staring them in the faces.
Buck spots some type of coffee shop or juice bar up ahead of them, and realizes just how dry his throat has started to feel. Probably to do with the fact that he hasn’t exactly been hydrated recently.
“Mind if we pause here?” He asks, slowing to a stop. Eddie looks past Buck at the shop, a strange look passing over his face, then looks back at Buck and where his shirt has started clinging to his chest, then back at the shop, chuckling to himself.
“Yeah, okay.”
They both grab a bottle of juice. Eddie is still acting strange, glancing around like he’s expecting to see someone, but Buck doesn’t question him. God knows it’s Eddie’s turn to act weird.
Neither of them start running again when they get back outside, walking together instead, bumping their arms together.
“I guess I probably need to find a new place to live, huh?” Buck says, thinking out loud. He rubs a hand over the back of his neck bashfully, feeling like they should have started having this conversation right when Eddie and Chris came back. It hasn’t been very long, but Buck doesn’t want to start overstaying his welcome.
“What?” Eddie says like he’s surprised, no, confused. “Why?”
Buck’s entire body feels like it stutters. “I can’t- I can’t live in your house forever, Eddie.”
“Well.” Their arms brush together again, closer this time. “I mean- Why not?”
“I don’t really love sleeping on the couch and I’m sure not making you do it, for one.”
“We can keep sharing the bed.”
“Eddie,” Buck starts. He’s not making any sense.
“No, think about it,” Eddie interrupts. He’s got a manic look in his eye like he would do anything to convince Buck of this. “I don’t want you to go yet, okay? And sharing the bed last night helped with your nightmares, right? So maybe just… stay for a little while longer.”
“I-”
“Think about it,” Eddie pleads. Buck doesn’t know why he’s so hung up on this. But he thinks back to all of the ‘I love you’s’ he’s shared with everyone else recently and thinks maybe this is Eddie’s way of showing it.
“Okay,” Buck agrees, “I’ll think about it.”
Later that night, when they crawl into bed, neither of them play around with the idea of sleeping on the couch. They just fit back into their positions from the night before. Buck’s head on Eddie’s shoulder, an arm loose around his waist. It’s for the nightmares, he tells himself.
-
Buck wakes up to the feeling of a body underneath him, not just a pillow and a lingering warmth from someone who was once there, but Eddie real and breathing. He tucks his face closer into Eddie’s chest, basking in the feeling for just a moment longer.
Eddie, real and breathing. And breathing, and breathing, and breathing, and–
And it’s too much, it’s too fast.
Buck jolts up, looks down at where Eddie lies, puts a hand on his chest. It’s too fast. Something’s wrong.
Then he blinks and they’re not in their bedroom anymore. Eddie is on the cracked ground of the lab. Chemicals pooled around him. Equipment turned over and destroyed. There are flames lining the walls.
Beeping sounds from every corner of the room overwhelm his senses. The lights go out in random patterns, making Eddie disappear right before his eyes, then come back each time breathing more and more rapidly. He’s staring back up at Buck now.
“You have to take care of Chris,” Eddie chokes out.
“No,” Buck gasps out, “Don’t say that.”
“You have to, you promised.”
“I won’t have to, you’re going to be okay.” Buck starts to feel around Eddie’s body, trying to figure out what’s wrong. “What happened, Eddie? Tell me what to do. I can fix this.”
“You always say that.”
“I can. It’s my job to fix things.”
Eddie shakes his head at him, ruefully. “There’s no fixing this. You’re too late.”
Eddie smiles at him, there’s blood covering his teeth. Buck feels bile rise up in his throat.
“No,” He sobs. He didn’t notice when he started crying. “I can’t lose you. Eddie, you have to fight, please.”
“You’re supposed to fight, that’s what you do.” The lights flicker again, and suddenly Eddie’s skin has gone almost gray. “Evan Buckley never gives up, right? Or is it finally too much? Not worth it anymore?”
“You are worth it, Eddie, you’re everything,” Buck cries, “I don’t know what to do. Tell me what to do.”
“I told you, it’s too late.” He closes his eyes.
Buck grabs Eddie’s limp hand. It’s covered in whatever liquid is on the floor and it burns, but Buck doesn’t care. He clutches it between both of his hands and brings it to his chest, protecting it.
“No, please!” Buck shakes him. He looks around for anything, anyone that could possibly help. But the room is empty now. There’s absolutely nothing. Just him and Eddie and no way to get out. “You can’t go, I love you.”
Eddie’s eyes snap open again. “That’s not enough. Not anymore.”
Buck continues to hold Eddie’s hand and sobs. Disgusting, hot, messy tears fall onto Eddie’s chest.
“Why couldn’t you tell me when it mattered?” Eddie pulls his hand away with a newfound strength. “Who cares now? Your love can’t save me.”
“Pl- Please, Eds, please,” He can’t say anything more.
“We could’ve been something,” Eddie says cooly, “If you weren’t such a coward.”
Then, Buck feels hands start to grab at his shoulders, pulling him away from Eddie. Men in bright yellow hazmat suits, their rubbery gloves sticking to his skin. He tries to push them off, but he’s too weak. They start to crowd around him, blocking Eddie from his view, but he can still peer through them to just catch the sight of him frowning and shaking his head at Buck once again. Disappointment written all over his face.
“I’m sorry!” Buck yells, “I love you, I love you, I’m sorry!”
The men hold him in place as they zip Eddie up into a body bag. His eyes are still open.
“He’s alive! He’s still alive!” He tries to fight them off, but his legs give out. He’s only stopped from falling on his face by their burning grip on him.
“Not for long,” One of them says, a robotic-like cadence to their voice.
The lights flicker again and everyone is gone. Buck is alone in the room. No evidence that anyone else was ever there, just flat gray walls without even a nail hole.
-
Buck is openly sobbing when he wakes up. He can tell it’s real this time, somehow. Eddie is already holding him close, sitting up and pulling Buck into a more comfortable position. His lips are in his hair again, whispering things that Buck can’t quite catch. It’s soothing nonetheless.
“I don’t want to move out,” Buck admits. He doesn’t know why this is the first thing he says, of all things, but it feels like the first weight off his chest.
“Okay,” Eddie replies, “Don’t then.”
“It was you,” Buck manages to get out.
“Oh, baby,” He breathes. Buck hears that and he knows what his brain was trying to tell him to do.
“I love you,” Buck blurts, “And I have to tell you that, okay? Because what if it’s you next time and I never told you? I can’t do it. You have to know that, that I love you. You don’t have to say anything but- but you just have to know.”
Eddie doesn’t say anything. But he also doesn’t let go and push Buck away like he thought he might. He just takes a few deep breaths that Buck syncs his own too. It calms him down.
“Are you just saying that because of what happened?” Eddie finally asks, he sounds almost insecure, “Because of your nightmare?”
“N- No, Eddie, I mean- yes I’m saying it now because of that, but that doesn’t make it any less true.”
Wide brown eyes stare down at him, he looks like he’s about to start crying too. It’s close to the same expression he gave Buck when he agreed to move into Eddie’s house all those months ago. “Are you sure?” He asks.
Buck has never been more sure of anything in his life.
“Definitely.”
The grin that spreads across Eddie’s face lights up the room. Buck can’t remember the last time he saw Eddie look like that. It’s been far too long.
“That’s- I mean- I love you too,” Eddie says, “I do.”
It’s Buck’s turn to grin. His face is stiff from dried tears, but the stretch feels good. “Good.”
They both chuckle and wrap their arms around each other tighter. Buck has never felt more safe than in this little world they’ve created in the protection of the bed covers. He’s gross and sweaty from his nightmare, and he definitely lost one of his socks in the sheets, but he’s never been more comfortable.
“Buck?” Eddie whispers. Buck hums in question, looking back up at him.
Their noses touch, and suddenly all Buck can focus on is the mole underneath Eddie’s eye. Then his eyes are falling shut as he’s being so, so gently kissed. It’s barely there, just a brush of something, but it’s the best he’s ever had.
Eddie’s thumb swipes across Buck’s brow, right where his birthmark sits, then it stays there.
The moment is broken by Buck’s phone ringing loud from the bedside table. He scrambles for it, elbowing Eddie in the ribs on the way, then sees the caller ID and can’t help but hesitate. Athena.
His hands shake, he almost doesn’t answer. He presses the green button and brings the phone to his ear.
“A- Athena?”
“He’s asking for you.”
-
The lights in the hospital room are dim, which means Buck immediately runs into the corner of a chair in his haste to come in. Eddie catches him by the waist and guides him in the correct direction. He hears a familiar amused chuckling from the bed and finally looks towards it.
“Hey kid,” Bobby smiles at him.
He’s paler than usual, a little tired looking, but he’s alive against all odds. Buck lets out a heavy breath he didn’t realize he had been holding in for the past few days. The last weight that was sitting in his chest finally gone.
He glances down where Eddie’s hand is still resting against Buck’s back and raises his eyebrows. “Don’t tell me I already have paperwork waiting for me when I get back.”
Buck and Eddie glance at each other, both seemingly unsure what to say. Buck opens and closes his mouth, laughing bashfully.
“Uh, yeah,” Eddie says, “About that-”
“Don’t worry about it,” Bobby cuts him off, smirking, “They’re already done, just need some signatures.”
Buck deflates, then finally finishes the rest of the journey to the side of the bed where Bobby is already waiting to wrap his arms around him.
“Thank you for being okay,” Buck mumbles.
“Thank you for saving my life, kid,” Bobby replies. Buck’s mouth twists, not sure what to say to that. He’s not entirely ready yet to admit that, yeah, he guesses he did after all.
He pulls away to give Eddie a turn. They exchange some words between them that Buck chooses not to eavesdrop on.
Afterwards, they sit with Bobby and Athena long enough for it to finally feel real. Buck’s disappointed to learn that Bobby didn’t have any type of coma dream.
At some point, Eddie and Athena decide to go gather up some food for everyone, leaving Buck and Bobby alone. Buck loves his new boyfriend, but he’s absolutely not slick about his intentions at all.
“How have you been doing, Buck?” Bobby asks, “Really.”
Buck isn’t sure how much he should really unload on someone who’s still sitting in a hospital bed, but then again this is Bobby. He’s dumped a lot worse on him before.
“A lot better now,” He starts, “But it was really bad for a bit there.”
Bobby gets a sympathetic look on his face, but doesn’t say anything yet, lets Buck think.
“I just- I didn’t know what to do with it all,” Buck says, “With what you told me in the lab, right before… You told me they were all going to need me, but I really don’t think that’s true. They’re the ones who have had to keep picking me up.”
Bobby gives him a long look. Then holds out a hand, palm up for Buck to grab. He does.
“You feel your emotions so strongly.” Buck frowns at that. Bobby doesn’t get that that’s the whole problem. “That’s what makes you so important, Buck. You can’t just shut them off and go about your day, you have to sit with them. That’s what I meant. For you to show everyone else that feeling it is okay.”
“Oh.”
“Yeah.” Bobby squeezes his hand. “I shouldn’t have put that on you out of nowhere, but I was scared too. I’m sorry.”
“I know,” Buck nods. Finally everything seems to have fallen into place.
Maybe they got there in a horrible, awful way. Maybe they had to get scared out of their minds for good things to finally happen. But he can’t help but look at how closely they’re all holding onto each other now and think, this is how it should’ve been. This is how it should be. It’s sad that it takes an almost-tragedy to show people how much they care for each other, to force them to say it out loud, but they got there eventually and that’s what matters. They all still have time to keep saying it, keep showing it. Keep holding onto each other.
When Buck falls asleep in Eddie’s arms that night, he sleeps all the way through.
-
I clench his hands to the point of pain. “Stay with me.” His pupils contract to pinpoints, dilate again rapidly, and then return to something resembling normalcy. “Always,” he murmurs.
Mockingjay, Suzanne Collins