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Pain had always been a constant in Illuga’s life.
He supposed it was only natural. His childhood had been devastated by a single incident that had brought about the destruction of his village, his family, and his past. His formative years were spent watching countless people around him disappear beyond the city walls of his new home, vanishing from his world forever. His adult years were being spent on the front lines of the very war that had landed him in his predicament to begin with. And on top of all of that, Illuga had a soulmate.
Illuga was positive that the first time he had been told about soulmates had been when he was a child. Although he could barely remember anything about her now, his mind was certain that his mother had told him a story about the phenomenon. But actually understanding the meaning of having a soulmate did not happen until it was just him and Nikita, and he was learning how to use a polearm and track and hunt down monsters in the wild. At the time, he only had vague recollections of feeling scattered bits and pieces of pain in places he was sure he had not injured—incidents that could easily be passed off as tricks of the mind. But on that fateful day, he had felt a sharp sting in his hand that had crawled up his arm, numbing the length of it long enough for him to drop his weapon in shock and alert the critters prowling nearby. Nikita had quickly cleared out the pests and sat Illuga down to talk about his sudden pain’s root cause.
“I really have a soulmate? So…there’s someone out there who is supposed to be my perfect lover?”
“Partner, more like,” Nikita had replied. “In whatever way you find the most harmonious. It’s like working with a squadron—it’s all about how you feel you best complement and balance each other out.”
“If we’re supposed to complement each other, then why is it that we can only feel each other’s pain?”
“Think of it as sharing your burdens with each other. A reminder that there will always be someone who will understand how you feel, even during the worst of times.”
That night, Illuga laid in bed, staring at the hand that had flared with pain hours before.
Sharing our burdens…understanding how we feel… He squeezed his hand into a fist so tight that he could feel the tips of his fingernails digging into the meat of his palms, causing a dull ache to spread throughout his hand. But I don’t know a thing about you, nevertheless understand you.
After a few long moments, he released his grip. He stared at the slowly fading dents in his palm.
Then he felt it—a throbbing pain that quickly spread across his other hand, then went away almost as swiftly seconds later. He stared at that hand in disbelief for a solid minute.
Why did you do that?
Illuga’s question remained unanswered for the remainder of the night and the many days that followed after. But over time, he would come to realize that whenever he hurt himself, his soulmate would always send back a similarly painful sensation some time afterwards, usually in a place that mirrored the original wound. Eventually, Illuga began to respond to his soulmate’s aches by pinching his arm—digging his nails into his flesh just enough to distract both himself and, hopefully, the other from the original source of pain. It didn’t take long for them to fall into a rhythm like that, responding to each other’s injuries in their own personal ways. It was like sending letters, only these letters communicated nothing of substance between its recipients, only pain.
Then came the day Illuga joined the Lightkeepers.
During his time in the logistics squad, things were rather tame. Occasionally, he would cut himself on a paper or stumble on the road as he made his rounds between the outposts, but his injuries were nothing that he hadn't already been forcing his soulmate to endure. Besides, it seemed like his soulmate was enjoying a new phase of their own life, as Illuga would sometimes feel phantom bruises form on his limbs, particularly his arms and legs.
Training? Wrestling? Playing? Fighting? The possibilities were endless. How am I supposed to know anything about you just from feeling your pain?
But even though his questions for his soulmate continued to pile up like lost letters, he found himself feeling oddly content with how things were shaping to be. At long last, he could see a glimmer of hope on the horizon, and felt that his dream was actually something that was within reach. He tried memorizing the faces and tastes of everyone he spoke to, committing their voices and features, their strengths and vices to memory, knowing full well that at any moment, he could return and find their lights snuffed out by the dangers lurking in the shadows.
If only I could do the same to you, he thought as he rubbed his uninjured, but still aching knee. For good measure, he pinched the meat of his forearm, the only way he knew how to communicate with his soulmate. But the only thing I can provide for you is pain.
Then came his assignment to the Nightmare Orioles.
Investigation was much more perilous than logistics. The real world of the Lightkeepers—the front-line forces that patrolled every inch of Nod-Krai that they possibly could reach—was much bleaker than he had ever imagined it could be. With the night came darkness, with darkness came fog, with fog came the Wild Hunt, and with the Wild Hunt came death, carnage, and agony.
Illuga’s first serious injury came during his first few weeks with the squad, caused by an unfortunate encounter with a gaggle of abyssal abominations, leaving behind a nasty wound that stretched down the side of his neck, across his shoulder, and down a portion of his upper arm. The pain of the cut had been more than enough for him to nearly black out on the field, saved only by one of his squadmates catching him as he fell.
“It’s not likely to be infected, thankfully,” Ivar assured as he wrapped the injury later that night, when they were back at camp. “But it’ll leave a nasty scar.”
“Your first badge of honor,” Captain Olsson said. “It’ll hurt, but it’s proof that you’re a fighter.”
Illuga, however, stared at his bandages with a mournful look in his eyes.
I’m sorry.
It was unfair—unfair for his soulmate to also have to endure excruciating pain that was meant for him, and him alone.
I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry…
That night, his soulmate did not make their usual attempt to respond to the injury. Nor did they the morning after.
Why? Illuga placed a hand on his bandaged arm and closed his eyes, trying to hold back his tears. Aren’t you mad at me? You don’t deserve any of this. I’m the one who chose to go down this treacherous path, so the only one who should have to answer for my pain is me. So why aren’t you hurting me back..?
But like all things did with time, his injuries healed, and the guilt that came with them lessened. And one night, whilst sitting by the camp fire, without any pain to prompt the maneuver, Illuga pinched his upper arm.
I know it’s selfish of me, but I want to keep going down this path. If I could guarantee that you don’t get hurt, then I would, but I can’t. So feel free to get angry at me if I hurt you. I deserve it.
This time, he felt a similar pulse of pain in his other arm; an acknowledgement of sorts. Of what, he could not be sure, but it was more than enough to settle his heart.
There eventually came a point where Illuga found it somewhat difficult to differentiate between his own pain and his soulmate’s. He would feel cuts against his flesh and bruises swelling under his skin, but would be unable to ascertain whether they came from his own shortcomings or the misadventures of whoever was on the other side of the mystical link. All he knew was one thing: it hurt. It hurt his body, his heart, his soul. It hurt to know that he was hurting, but be unable to tell who had been hurt and why.
And never had that feeling been more true than in this moment, as he watched the entire world around him become engulfed by the darkness now pouring out of Kipumaki Cliff. As he watched teammate turn against teammate, leaving behind a field of carnage in their wake that was later set aflame by the Wild Hunt.
If it hadn’t been for Captain Olsson, Illuga likely would have been caught in the crossfire as well.
“I’ll hold them off. Get back to Piramida and call for reinforcements. And take good care of Ivar for me,” Olsson ordered. “Now go!”
So Illuga did just that: he ran. He ran even as his legs burned with exhaustion, as his arms grew numb under Ivar’s weight, as his eyes stung with tears, as his lungs ached for air. He ran even as the voices of the abyss called out to him, mocking him, taunting him, blaming him for his weakness, his cowardice, his helplessness…
After that long, long night, long after he had returned to a field of corpses and Nikita had sealed off the cliffs, Illuga finally collapsed on the ground, allowing the bile in his stomach to bubble to the surface. And for a brief moment, he wondered if his soulmate could also feel the stab of failure through the phantom link between their nerves.
I left to save them. He closed his eyes. I left to save them, and yet it ended up like this…
When he opened his eyes again, he found himself back in Piramida with a dull ache in his arm. He gently ran his fingers over the spot.
Are you…trying to comfort me?
The pain faded away. Illuga let out a long exhale.
“It’ll hurt, but it’s proof that you’re a fighter.”
Illuga pinched his arm, right where it had ached mere moments before.
It’s time to get up.
A month later, Illuga became the new captain of the Nightmare Orioles.
Recklessness and cowardice be damned. Illuga smiled at the appointment letter. I will ensure that the pain I’ve made the people around me endure will not have been in vain.
When the Knights of Favonius arrived in Nod-Krai, Illuga felt himself letting out a breath he never knew he had been holding. After all, more allies meant more manpower, which meant more distance they could cover, which meant a greater chance of success against the Wild Hunt. So striking up a harmonious relationship with them was a no-brainer, and, thanks to the knights’ grand master paying Nikita a visit quickly after arrival, had been done in practically no time.
But it is still the Wild Hunt, Illuga reminded himself as he raised his lantern and pointed it towards the darkness. We mustn’t let our guard down. At any point, they can turn the tables on us and render all our efforts moot.
So Illuga still went out on his solo patrols across Wavechaser Plain and Ashveil Peak, always keeping a watchful eye on the still-sealed cliffs in the distance.
Tonight was no exception.
All things considered, patrol was going rather peacefully. His lantern cut through the darkness, illuminating the places where the moonlight could not touch. Beside him, Aedon—a new companion who had saved him from harm during one perilous night—lit up the spaces where neither his lantern nor the moon could reach.
Just when Illuga was becoming hopeful that he would get to enjoy a relatively uneventful night, he heard the clang of metal.
Aedon chirped after him as he ran into the fog-shrouded forest, trying to follow the sound.
A traveler? Civilian? Ratnik? The possibilities were endless. Whoever it is, they may need help.
He stumbled into the edge of a clearing. He could see a horde of Wild Hunt and abyss-tainted monsters gathered around a green-haired boy swathed in blue and white, snarling and growling as they attacked their assailant.
A knight, Illuga realized. He’s alone.
The knight’s spear spun over his head as he whirled around. The blade swept in a clean arc across his front, shredding a wilderness exile to ribbons in a singular fell swoop. It then continued around, curving back up until the speartip had embedded itself in the jaw of another abomination, digging deeper and deeper until the monster had collapsed with a fiery wail.
Like a dance of steel. Illuga held out his hand, summoning his own spear. One that can easily turn fatal.
The knight barely spared Illuga a glance as he entered the fray, only grunting and turning away to face another monster head-on.
There’s so much gunk on the ground, Illuga realized. Did he really clear all of these monsters by himself?
“Aedon!”
The nightingale swooped down and crashed through a monster, stunning it long enough for Illuga’s spear to make short work of it. One by one, the straggling creatures fell, until silence finally settled on the forest clearing.
Is that all of them? Illuga spun around, lantern scanning the area, stopping only when the knight entered its field of view. To his surprise, the knight had his left arm raised, the crossbow strapped to it pointed right at Illuga.
“On your left.”
Illuga jerked to the side just in time to feel an arrow whizz by his ear. It continued forward, brushing past the surface of the knight’s face. The knight made no move—not even a flinch—as it left behind a red trail across his cheek. A wail sounded soon after as the knight’s counter shot embedded itself in the forehead of the monster poking out from behind a tree in the distance, dissolving it into dust in an instant.
But all Illuga could think about was the sharp cut of pain that had suddenly streaked across his own face.
But the one who is injured is…
The knight raised a hand to his face to wipe at the blood now trickling down his face. Illuga took that moment to rub at the sting on his own cheek with the back of his hand, willing for the flash of pain to go away.
“You felt that too, didn’t you?”
Illuga turned. Crimson eyes bordered with green gazed back at him.
“…And if I did?”
“Well, you know what that means, don’t you?”
A knowing silence hung between the two. Illuga swallowed down the lump in his throat. His mouth opened, then closed, then repeated three times after, but not once was he able to muster the will to say the words. Finally, the knight let out a laugh.
“Of all places to finally meet you…” Dead grass crunched beneath his boots as he crossed the clearing. “You’re a tough one, I’ll give you that. A Ratnik, right?” He snorted. “Figures you’d be a front-liner of sorts—no ordinary person would ever willingly endure as much pain as what you’ve shared with me.” He reached out and prodded the scar poking out from Illuga’s collar. “This one—ah, this must be the one. I remember it clear as day. Goes down to…here?” His finger traced the curve of the scar down Illuga’s neck and across his shoulder, stopping midway down his bicep. “What was it? An axe? A sword?” He leaned closer. “A scythe, perhaps?”
Illuga suppressed the urge to push the other away. “Claws,” he answered.
“Hm. Rookie mistake.” The knight took a step back. “But then again, it’s been a long time since then, hasn’t it? I’m sure your battle prowess has improved a lot since then.”
Illuga felt something bubble in his chest at the words. Is he praising or insulting me? His tone indicates both yet neither all at once…
“You’re one to talk,” he finally said. “I can’t see any of your scars and wounds, but you’ve given me a fair share of pain as well, you know.”
The knight chuckled. “Well, I had to match with you somehow, didn’t I?”
“Match with me?” Illuga frowned. “Wait, is that why you keep trying to mirror my pain?”
“Mmhm. Seems like I’m doing a much better job of it compared to your measly pinches.”
Measly pinches..? Illuga felt a bubble of fury begin to well in his throat.
“Is this some kind of game to you?”
The knight tilted his head. “And if it is?”
Illuga crossed his arms. “Then it’s a terrible one, and I’m not in the mood to play.”
“Really? What, you think I’m weak? That I can’t take it?” The knight scoffed. “Well, aren’t you presumptuous? Soulmates are meant to be compatible with one another, aren’t they? I don’t know how the world decides on such things, but surely it knows well enough to pair you with someone who can handle whatever you throw at them. At least, I know that I can take whatever you send my way.”
In that moment, all of Illuga’s doubts, all the painful nights of arm-pinching and phantom aches, all the questions for his mysterious soulmate that he had kept archived in a vault in the deepest recesses of his mind—all of that came crashing down in an instant.
My soulmate is crazy.
“Oh. Don’t tell me that you’ve felt bad about it this entire time?” The knight clicked his tongue. “Well, sure, sometimes it’d happen at inopportune times, but that’s the fun of it, isn’t it? Gives a nice challenge on the battlefield, at least.”
“I do not appreciate hearing that my battle wounds have provided you with a ‘fun challenge’ on your own.”
“We’re both warriors, aren’t we? Pain is just par for the course.” The knight shrugged. “I’ve long since accepted it as a routine part of my life, especially since I’ve got you. After all—oh, what is it that the grand master likes to say…ah, yes: sharing your pain can be like sharing your burdens with someone.” He laughed. “Well, based on that, you’ve got a lot on your shoulders, don’t you? That’s fine with me. It means you’re more than willing to fight. Things should always be interesting with you.”
Illuga stared at the other for a good long minute.
Sharing your burdens with someone…a lot on your shoulders…
“I do,” he finally said. “And because of that, I need to finish my patrol. I trust you do as well.”
“Oh? You’re leaving then?” The knight huffed. “Well, aren’t you something: leaving without even asking your soulmate who he is.”
Illuga frowned. “You never asked who I was either.”
The knight chuckled. “If only my subordinates were as amusing as you.” His laughter faded into a soft hum, then a moment of silence. Finally, he put a hand on his chest and smiled. “My name is Lohen.”
Something in the back of Illuga’s mind fired a shot of electricity down his spine at the sound of the name.
Lohen.
“…Illuga.”
“Illuga.” Lohen’s tongue tripped over the syllables in a way that tickled the edges of Illuga’s brain. “It’s a pleasure to finally meet you.”
“…You as well, Lohen.”
“Well, since you’re keen on leaving, then at least allow me to bestow my soulmate with a parting gift.”
“A gift?”
Illuga’s breath hitched as Lohen leaned in, mind racing with possibilities.
“It’s a good one,” Lohen said, “I promise.”
“W-what are you..?”
But instead of closing the gap as Illuga expected, Lohen raised his hand and swung downward. A sharp stinging sensation spread across Illuga’s neck and shoulder in an instant. He jolted in surprise, hand darting out to press against his scar as he yelped. At the same time, Lohen staggered backwards, one hand pressed against his clavicle, the other clasped around a blood-stained knife.
“There.” He beamed. “Now we match.”
“You…” Illuga gasped. “Why did you..? To yourself..?”
“Don’t be mistaken: this is not a gift of mercy. It’s payback. I’m finally getting even with you.” Lohen coughed. “Ahh, the sting is not as sharp as it was back then, but there isn’t exactly a clawed opponent who can give me a truly matching injury at the moment…” He waved his hand, the knife glinting in the moonlight as he did. “Well, off to the next punching bag then. Farewell, Illuga. Until next time.” And with a swirl of royal blue and white, the knight was gone, leaving Illuga alone in the clearing.
Illuga closed his eyes and sucked in a deep breath, running his fingers over the throbbing scar along his neck.
It hurts.
But whether it was the phantom pain of his own scar or the pain of his soulmate’s self-inflicted injury, he could not tell.
Pain is par for the course…sharing our pain is like sharing our burdens…there will always be someone who will understand how you feel, even during the worst of times…
Illuga let out a long exhale.
This whole time, I was worried for nothing. His fingers curled against his shoulder. My soulmate…he’s odd, and perhaps a little deranged, but he’s much stronger than I thought he’d be, and he clearly doesn’t mind the pain. In fact, he seems to enjoy it. I don’t fully understand why, but at the very least…
“Aedon.”
The nightingale emerged from his lantern with a soft chirp.
“Let’s go. We still have the whole night ahead of us.”