Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Breathe, Ikuya told himself once more. His breath was coming at a rapid pace and his head was spinning violently as his eyes followed the seconds hand on the clock. Tick, tock, tick, tock. The constant ticking only served as a reminder to Ikuya that when the bell rang, he couldn't just go home and curl up in bed, no, he had agreed to join the swim club and that meant he had to see Natsuya.

Why did I agree to join the swim club? Why did I do something so stupid? Ikuya mentally questioned himself. His head was spinning and he had long since given up on trying to concentrate on what the teacher was saying.

He was still lost in thought when the bell rung, making him jump slightly. His brain was still muddled up as he stood up, distractedly gathering his things and heading down to the pool.

"Everyone line up," Natsuya instructed the many people who were gathered around the pool.

Everyone replied with a 'Yes!' before doing as Natsuya had instructed.

"Today we've got some new club members. I'm sure the second and third years already know but there's a practice tournament with Sano middle school coming up. And then after there's a real tournament. the first years will also be participating so don't slack off." Natsuya began explaining.

"Yes!" Came the reply again.

"Now then these are the new first years. Now go on and introduce yourselves." Natsuya turned to the four boys stood next to him.

"Shiina Asahi, I'm a first year!" Asahi started enthusiastically

"Hey, we already know you're a first year." Natsuya cut in

"Ah! Uhmm...." Asahi stuttered as people giggled at his mistake.

"I moved here this spring. I went to a SC where I used to live and I'm good at butterfly. I plan to become even faster! Nice to meet you," Asahi finished, bowing as everyone clapped

How can he be so confident, Ikuya asked himself, staying silent when the attention tuned to him.

Don't panic. Don't panic. Don't panic. He told himself over again, trying to keep his breathing even.

Don't panic. all you have to do is introduce yourself....

Ikuya's thoughts were cut short when Natsuya glanced over, noticing Ikuya's reluctance, he said

"Ikuya, introduce yourself,"

Ikuya looked down, repeating the same phrase, don't panic, over and over again as he introduced himself.

"I'm Kirishima Ikuya. I swim breaststroke," He was mumbling only, at that moment in time, all he really cared about was trying to calm down so that he didn't have a panic attack. there was a small ripple of applause however, Ikuya was convinced that he hadn't spoken clearly enough for people to hear.

A lot of what happened after that point was a blur to Ikuya. He briefly remembered Makoto and Haru introducing themselves and Natsuya racing Haru then everything turned into a blur again before he remembered Asahi having trouble swimming freestyle.

It was later on in the changing rooms where Natsuya, Nao, Makoto and Haru were trying to work out why Asahi couldn't swim that Ikuya's anxiety came rushing back. He wasn't sure where the sudden panic came from or what triggered it but he had began feeling panicky.

"Hmm...You really just became unable to swim all of a sudden?" Natsuya asked

"Yeah." Asahi nodded slightly. Natsuya and Nao looked towards each other, both of them looking confused

"isn't that because you just can't swim free?" Ikuya asked, trying to act normally in the hope that his anxiety would go away if he acted like everything's fine.

"No! I can swim it! But....But today....when I tried to swim....I just couldn't. Ugh!" Asahi replied turning away from everyone.

"But why so suddenly?" Makoto asked

"Like I should know." Asahi muttered

"Hmm, it's probably a mental problem." Nao suggested

"Mental?" Asahi asked, his eyes widening. Natsuya came up behind him, placing his hand on his shoulder. Asahi turned around to look at him as Natsuya began talking.

"It's okay. If you were able to swim before, then it will instinctively come back to you soon enough,"

Asahi began grinning before replying with

"Okay,"

Ikuya hardly heard the end of the conversation, too lost in his own thoughts to concentrate.

-Flashback-

"Ikuya, you're getting way better than you were before. it's okay. you'll figure it out soon enough. Keep trying, Ikuya!" Natsuya said enthusiastically.

"Nii-chan....Okay!" Ikuya smiled

-End of flashback-

Ikuya could feel his breathing speeding up. His eyes glistened with tears as he picked up his things, running out of the changing room before anyone could stop him.

"Hey Ikuya." Natsuya called. Ikuya glanced back to look at his brother but ignored him as he called his name once more.

Tears were now falling freely from his eyes as panic consumed his body, taking over his thoughts. he ran. He didn't know where to but he ran. at that moment he wanted to be anywhere but with his brother.

He ended up running to the other side of town and by the time he got there, his legs ached and his lungs burned. he was still panicking slightly but he had calmed down slightly whilst he had been concentrated on not tripping over his own feet whilst running.

Why am I even panicking. What is there to panic about? You're pathetic, useless, even your own brother hates you!

With that thought lingering i his mind, Ikuya broke down, falling to his knees as tears streamed down his face and his breathing came quicker than usual. He didn't care how many people were looking at him funnily. He didn't care that people were passing by him, judging him. He couldn't take it. He couldn't stop the tears once they had started. He started to feel dizzy after a while and he knew that he needed to calm down to get rid of the dizziness only, he still wasn't sure why he was panicking or what he was panicking about.

Breathe, he told himself, remember that article you read about it, breathe in through your nose and out through your mouth. Or was it in through your mouth and out through your nose?

Ikuya's panicked mind was making it hard to concentrate as he attempted to slow his breathing down. It worked to slow his breathing down however, his heart still beat at an almost painful rate. His hands were shaking as he pushed himself up off the ground and his legs shook as he turned around and began walking back the way he came, ignoring all the funny looks he earned as he walked.

He got home just over half an hour later, earning himself confused and concerned looks from both his parents and Natsuya

"Sorry I'm late. I went for a walk," Ikuya lied. His parents didn't know about his anxiety, neither did Natsuya. He hadn't told anyone about the constant worrying and frequent panic attacks.

"Ikuya, are you alright?" His mother asked, concern filling her voice.

"I'm fine," Ikuya said looking down. He knew that his eye were probably red and puffy and he knew that there were probably glistening tear stains on his face but he didn't want to explain what happened, not to his parents and definitely not to Natsuya. He made his way to his bedroom, dropping his school bag on the floor and crawling into his bed.

This is getting ridiculous, you need to get this under control. Yeah Natsuya hates you, get over yourself. You're just going to have to live with it. there's nothing you can do about it.

"Shut up," Ikuya muttered to himself, a strange habit of his. Since Natsuya had told him he wanted to make new friends, Ikuya had started talking to himself. He didn't really have any friends so instead, he talked to himself.

I hate this. i hate arguing with myself, I hate constantly being anxious about things, I hate being alone.....

As Ikuya thought this, tears began running down his face again, dropping off his face and being absorbed by his pillow.

"Ikuya?" His mothers voice came from outside Ikuya's bedroom door.

"Y-yeah?" Ikuya asked in reply, his voice cracking slightly.

"Are you alright?" The question caught Ikuya slightly off guard. Was he okay?

No, I'm not okay but I can't tell her that. How would I even begin to explain that?

"Yeah. I'm fine..." Ikuya replied, hoping she wouldn't ask any more questions

"Are you sure? You didn't look too good when you came in before."

"I'm fine." Ikuya answered a little harsher than he had intended. He heard footsteps going down the hall away from his bedroom and he relaxed slightly.

Thoughts still rushed rapidly through Ikuya's head as he lay there. He hadn't eaten since dinner and his stomach growled loudly however, he couldn't bring himself to leave his room in case he had to face his parents or Natsuya.

You need to eat, the reasonable part of Ikuya's brain argued.

Well I am still eating. Besides if you leave this room, everyone will bug you trying to find out what's wrong so surely it's better to just stay here and eat later.

This debate carried on in Ikuya's head until there was another knock on his door. This time it was his father who spoke

"Ikuya, we're not sure what's wrong but you at least need to eat."

"No thank you." Ikuya mumbled quietly, his face still half buried in his pillow

"Ikuya, you know you can talk to us, right?" His father asked, his voice sounding concerned.

"I know." Ikuya replied

"Can I come in?" His father asked. Ikuya fell silent, not answering until his father called his name once more.

"Yeah I guess." Ikuya muttered, turning to face the wall as his father entered the room. His father made his way over to where Ikuya lay on his bed, placing a gentle hand on Ikuya's shoulder.

"Please talk to me Ikuya. it doesn't matter how many times you say you're fine, we know you're not. Tell me what's wrong."

Ikuya was starting to get sick of this. He was sick of everyone asking what's wrong.

"It's nothing. I'm just tired. Couldn't sleep last night." It wasn't a lie. he hadn't been able to sleep last night. He's spent the night staring blankly at the wall whilst he tried not to panic.

"Try to get some sleep then. And if you're hungry later on, just go and get something to eat, okay?" His father asked. Ikuya nodded as best he could from his position led down and his father ruffled his hair up before leaving his room, flicking the light off and saying a quick goodnight before he gently closed the door.

As soon as his father left the room, Ikuya let out a shaky breath that he had no idea he had been holding. He yawned, remembering how tired he was as he closed his eyes, quickly falling into a restless sleep.

Chapter Text

"Ah, basketball training is so tiring. How is the swimming club?" Kisumi asked as he and Haru ate.

"Normal," Haru replied, his voice emotionless as usual

"That's all you ever say, Haru." Kisumi looked around, spotting Ikuya who was reading a poster on the wall

"Kirishima..." Kisumi started. Ikuya turned around

"What?" Ikuya asked almost coldly.

"Do you want to eat with us too?" Kisumi asked enthusiastically

They don't like you, they're just trying to be nice. You'll just annoy them. they don't want you here....

Ikuya's thoughts began to run wild again however, before they could take over completely, he replied with

"Not really."

Ikuya began walking away, glancing back at Haru and stopping for a second.

"What?" Haru asked, noticing Ikuya staring

"Nothing." Ikuya mumbled, looking down to avoid eye contact with Haru and Kisumi who were both watching him expectantly.

"Let's eat together. i want to talk with you too Kirishima." Kisumi said, smiling widely

I don't see why you'd want to talk to me...I'm just the quiet kid who sits at the front of class and has no friends and panics about small irrelevant things.

"Then I guess have no choice." Ikuya replied, trying to ignore the wave of panic that washed over him. Still avoiding eye contact, Ikuya pulled a chair over and sat down.

"Ah! Why are you sitting there?" Asahi asked when he saw Ikuya.

Damn, of course Asahi would be here.....You should just leave before you annoy him even more.....You're obviously not wanted here...They don't like you....

Ikuya could no longer hear what Asahi was saying. He was focused on attempting to keep his breathing at a regular pace as his heart started hammering in his chest.

No, calm down. You're being stupid, what is there to panic about?

"Hey, are you even listening?" Asahi was waving a hand in front of Ikuya's face.

"Yeah.." Ikuya said distractedly, earning himself a few confused looks as he stood up before stuttering out a quiet "I....I need to go..."

Ikuya ran out of the room after that, ignoring Kisumi who called his name and trying to ignore the many judging looks he got.

"Ikuya?" Makoto asked as he saw the smaller boy run past him. Ikuya ignored him and carried on running.

Makoto arrived at the door to Haru's classroom looking concerned. He approached the table where Haru, Asahi, Kisumi and presumably Ikuya were sat.

"What's up with Ikuya?" Makoto asked.

"We're not sure. He ran off for some reason saying he had to go but none of us know why." Kisumi sounded concerned as he explained to Makoto.

"Did you see him? Where did he go?" Asahi asked standing up.

"He ran past me just then but I'm not sure where he went." Makoto replied

"I wonder what's wrong with him?" Kisumi thought out loud

Ikuya somehow ended up on the school roof. There were a few people sat up there but it was quiet. Ikuya's breathing was still slightly heavier than usual and his nails were still dug deep into his arm which was now covered in red scratches however, he had mostly calmed down now as there weren't people paying attention to him. He sat down, relaxing slightly at the light breeze.

Damn, i don't want to go back to class. I don't want to face them. I'll have to anyway. I'll just say I wasn't feeling too good. Yeah, they'll believe that.

"Hey is the class 1 boy's helper here today?" The teacher asked standing at the front of the room.

"Isn't it Haru today?" Kisumi asked as the teacher checked the board where Haru's name was written.

As he carried a box downstairs, Haru began thinking, what happened with Ikuya before? He seemed fine until Asahi began asking him questions so what happened?

Haru was so lost in thought that he almost dropped some of the things he was carrying.

"That was dangerous," A voice said behind Haru. He turned around slightly to see Natsuya holding a few of the things he almost dropped. Haru looked at him confused for a moment before Natsuya began walking alongside Haru.

"How are you finding the club?" Natsuya asked Haru as they were walking down the hallway.

"Normal," Haru answered simply

"That's good. If you said you wanted to quit already I'd be in trouble," Natsuya hesitated slightly before asking "Ikuya....didn't say anything about wanting to quit did he?"

Haru glanced at Natsuya for a second, wondering why he didn't ask Ikuya himself but he answered anyway with a simple

"He didn't,"

Haru thought for a moment before adding

"But you should ask him that yourself,"

"You should fix your polite speech. You're going to run into problems in the future like that," Natsuya advised. Haru looked away, looking out the window as they walked, knowing that if he was to turn around, Natsuya would be looking at him.

"Why don't you get along with Ikuya?" Haru asked. He wasn't sure where the question came from or why he thought to say it out loud but he did anyway, earning a small hum of thought.

"Probably because I pushed him away," Haru looked at him confusion clear on his face."That's why Ikuya's hated me for two years," Natsuya finished. Haru looked down, deep in thought.

"I don't think that's the case," Haru said

"Really?" Natsuya asked with a small, almost non existent smile. Haru nodded looking away again.

"You should talk to him," Haru stated, thinking back to what happened with Ikuya before. Natsuya made a confused noise

"He's ignore me even if I tried." he smiled sadly

"Something happened before. I'm not sure what but he ran out of the room for no reason. He looked a bit like he was going to cry," Haru explained

"He's been like that for the past few days, well since the start of school. He keeps running off and ignoring everyone. I'm not sure what's wrong with him but he won't talk to me. He's even been skipping meals just to try and avoid me," Natsuya said.

"I can ask him what's wrong if you want. But I can't guarantee he'll answer me," Haru suggested, noticing the pain that flashed across Natsuya's face as he said about Ikuya ignoring him.

"Yeah....." Natsuya said, getting lost in his thoughts. "Well anyway," Natsuya handed Haru the things he had been carrying. "I'll see you later,"

Haru nodded, carrying on where he was going whilst Natsuya left to go to his lesson.

Chapter Text

"Hey Ikuya, what's up with that?" Makoto asked as him, Asahi, Haru and Ikuya were stretching.

"What do you mean?" Ikuya asked, pretending not to notice Makoto's concerned gaze.

"There's scratches all down you arm," Makoto said, trying to think of what it could be.

"It's nothing," Ikuya said, trying to hide his arm from Makoto's concerned gaze.

"Are you sure?" Makoto asked

"I'm fine," Ikuya replied, almost coldly.

Damn, if you're not careful they're going to find out, then they'l all hate you even more. They'll all laugh at you because you're so pathetic. At least there aren't any actual cuts on my arm, how would I even begin to explain that.

Makoto left it at that, getting the message that Ikuya wasn't going to tell him, he walked over to Haru

"Hey Haru, what's up with Ikuya?" Makoto asked quietly

"Like I know," Haru replied simply.

"Hey, first years," Natsuya said in greeting as he and Nao made their way over to the four boys.

"Hello senpai," Makoto replied with one of his usual smiles. Asahi and Haru both greeted Natsuya as well however, Ikuya stayed deathly silent.

"Ikuya, greetings," Natsuya turned to face his brother, slightly confused. Ikuya usually ignored him yeah but he would usually at least say hello, Ikuya was once again silent for a moment before muttering a quiet "Hello." As he looked away from Natsuya.

Ikuya briefly heard Natsuya and Asahi talking however, he didn't focus on what was being said. Instead he dug his nails into his palms, still shaken up from the panic attack he'd had before.

The rest of practice went by quickly which was a relief to Ikuya. He was still worrying over whether or not Makoto had figured out what the scratches on his arm were and it was beginning to make him exhausted.

He eventually got home, heading straight to his room and locking the door behind him.

You're such a failure, you're pathetic. Makoto was probably worried about you and you lied to him, no wonder no one likes you....it would be better if you weren't here....maybe you should just kill yourself......

With that last thought, Ikuya headed over to his desk, grabbing a small box off it and opening it, revealing several blades inside. He picked one up and headed towards the bathroom, grabbing a towel on the way. He turned the shower on before undressing and entering the shower. he tilted his head back, looking up into the stream of water and letting out a loud sigh before he grabbed his blade once more, sitting down before raising the blade the blade up to his thigh where the skin was already scarred and covered in raised cuts. He dragged the blade across his skin, watching the blood pool out of the cut as it began dripping down his leg, mixing with the water to create intricate designs and patterns. He watched, loving how the red blood contrasted with the white of the shower floor. He repeated this action, raising the blade up and slicing across his thigh again and again until he had an uncountable number of cuts along his right thigh. They stung as the water hit them but at that moment, he couldn't bring himself to care as he stared blankly at the wall.

You deserve this....it's all your fault.....If you weren't here everyone would be happier.....You should just die.....No one likes y...

"Ikuya?" Natsuya knocked on the door, interrupting Ikuya's thoughts.

It took Ikuya a while to find his voice as he called out a shaky

"Yeah?"

"Are you okay? You've been in the shower for over a hour. Tea's ready when you're done as well."

"I'm fine," Ikuya replied, his voice returning to it's cold tone. He heard footsteps walking away and let out a sigh of relief, turning the shower off and stepping out. he dried himself off before digging around in the cupboard for some bandages. His leg was still bleeding, small drips of blood falling slowly down to the tiled floor. He got to work wrapping the bandages tightly around his leg, slowing the blood that flowed out of the cuts.

Ikuya let out yet another sigh as he finished wrapping the bandage. He got dressed again before reluctantly going into the dining room. His parents were both stood talking and Natsuya was sat down at the table. Ikuya silently sat down next to Natsuya, his thoughts already running wild as his parents both sat down as well. They all began eating before the silence as interrupted.

"So how was school today?" Their mother asked

"It was the same as any other day I guess," Natsuya answered, Ikuya simply looked away and shrugged his shoulders, hoping that his parents wouldn't ask what was wrong. He could feel the concerned gazes of his parents however, they didn't say anything as the room fell silent once more.

They all hate you, they don't want you here. You're a mistake. A terrible, horrible, annoying mistake.....

"May I be excused?" Ikuya asked quietly, not trusting his voice to not crack.

"Yes of course. Are you feeling okay?" His mother asked, her eyes filled with concern.

"I'm fine. I have homework to do." Ikuya lied. He stood up, wincing at the stinging in his thighs and went over to the sink, washing his plate and placing it on the drying rack before heading to his room, glad to be away from all the worried looks from his family. He lay down on his bed, staring blankly up at the ceiling as he thought about everything he hated about himself and about what he would do differently if he could.

Well being born would be the first thing I'd do differently. Then you wouldn't even be here....

A smile made it's way onto Ikuya's face with that thought as he led staring blankly at the ceiling as he tried to clear his thoughts.

Chapter Text

When Ikuya next checked the time, it was around two in the morning. He realised that he must of fallen asleep at some point and his bedroom light had been turned of, presumably by his parents.

He stood up to go to the toilet however, his vision began swimming, causing him to lean against the wall to steady himself.

His vision soon went back to normal however, his head was pounding inside his skull. After he had been to the toilet, Ikuya headed to the kitchen to grab a glass of water. He had to stop in the doorway again as his vision blurred again. It was when he started to see black spots obstructing his vision that he began to panic.

"Ikuya?" Someone behind him asked. Ikuya spun around as quickly as he could, losing his balance as his vision went completely black.

"Ikuya!" Natsuya quickly reached out to catch his brother.

"Natsuya? What's wrong?" His father was there now, rubbing sleep out of his eyes.

"I don't know. Ikuya just collapsed or something." Natsuya replied, panicked

"Natsuya, calm down. I'm sure he's just tired." His father said in an attempt to calm his oldest son down however, the panic in his voice didn't go unnoticed

"Ikuya!" Natsuya attempted to wake him up.

"Natsuya, I'm sure he's fine, smiling slightly at how concerned Natsuya sounded. "I'm sure he'll be fine in the morning." His father said, going over and scooping Ikuya up in his arms, carrying him to his bedroom with a concerned Natsuya following him.

"He'll be fine." His father said, ruffling Natsuya's already messy hair after he placed Ikuya in his bed.

"Okay then...." Natsuya said reluctantly as his father led him out of Ikuya's room.

Natsuya couldn't get back to sleep after that. He was worried about Ikuya, after all, he had just collapsed in front of him for no apparent reason

"Maybe there's a reason he collapsed, after all, he always looks so pale and recently he's looked like he's not been sleeping properly." Natsuya muttered to himself.

"I need to talk to him about it..." Natsuya muttered as his eyes drifted closed against his will.

When Ikuya woke up the next morning, he could feel a strong pounding in his skull as he attempted to focus his vision.

I don't remember falling asleep last night.....

Ikuya stood up, his headache washing over him like a wave. He stood for a moment, trying to keep his balance as his head spun. After a while, the dizziness faded away and the throbbing in his head getting worse. He forced himself to start getting ready for school, hissing in pain at the stinging cuts all over his thigh.

Well today is going to be fun, isn't it?

"Ikuya?" Natsuya's voice came through the door. Ikuya turned quickly to face the door, looking at the door like a deer trapped in the headlights of an oncoming car.

"Y..yeah?" Ikuya tried his best not to let his voice crack

"Are you feeling okay?" Natsuya asked, his concern clear in his voice.

"I'm fine." Ikuya replied simply

"Are you sure? If you're not feeling well, you can stay home you know?"

"I told you I'm I'm fine." Ikuya said, a little too harshly

"Okay..." Natsuya began walking away and Ikuya almost began to feel bad however, he was distracted once again by his thoughts running wild

....You shouldn't feel bad, Natsuya left you remember? He doesn't care about you......

"Great, I'm not even at school yet and I already feel like hell." Ikuya muttered to himself as he finished getting dressed before reluctantly heading out of his room to get breakfast and hopefully find some paracetamol to reduce the pounding in his skull.

"Good morning Ikuya." His mother smiled at him cheerfully as he entered the kitchen. Ikuya mumbled a quiet

"Good morning."

Ikuya quickly had some breakfast and found some paracetamol before leaving the house as soon as possible

The walk to school was uneventful, as was the first few lessons at school however, by the time fourth lesson came around, Ikuya was tired and fed up. His thighs had started burning and his mind had started wandering again. He didn't even realise until the teacher called his name, asking a question about whatever they had been explaining.

"Uhh...I'm not sure...." Ikuya mumbled, praying that his teacher would simply move on to someone else however, luck didn't seem to be on his side today as the teacher then said

"Just have a go, it's okay if it's wrong."

Wow, that has filled me with confidence...Ikuya thought as he stared blankly at the board. He knew he had to at least try and answer but he had no idea what the question was about. His mind had now gone completely blank and no matter how hard he tried, he couldn't think of anything that could even be considered an answer. He could feel his heart rate speeding up and could hear it pulsing in his ears as he looked around in panic

No one will help you.....They'll all just think you're going insane.....They're all going to laugh at you.....

"Kirishima-kun? Are you alright?" Their teacher asked, breaking Ikuya out of his thoughts.

Ikuya tried to take in a deep breath to answer the question however, his breath got caught in his throat, making it feel as if he would cry at any moment.

I can't do this...I need to get out of here or something, please I don't want to be in this room anymore....

Ikuya's thoughts started running wild again and he barely even heard the teacher setting everyone some work to do.

The next thing he knew, his teacher was in front of him, gesturing for him to follow him out of the room. Ikuya stood up shakily, his hands and feet both filed with pins and needles as he followed his teacher out of the room.

"Kirishima-kun, what's going on? Are you feeling sick or something?"

Ikuya stopped to try and think for a second, how did he answer that? Did he just say he felt sick? No, then they might call his parents. Does he tell the truth? No then they might try to get Natsuya or someone to help. He was at a loss of what to say, luckily, his teacher gave him a sympathetic smile

"Look, you're obviously not feeling well or upset or something, go to the toilets or something and see if you feel better, if not, we can call your parents at lunch." His teacher explained

Ikuya nodded and attempted to say thank you however, it came out extremely quiet and stuttered. His teacher left to go back to teaching and Ikuya walked quickly down the hall to the toilets, not wanting to run into anyone who might question why he was out of lesson.

Around 20 minutes later, Ikuya had managed to calm himself down however, as he made his way back to his class room, his hand were still shaking a bit and his heart rate was still slightly faster than usual but he wasn't panicking now and he didn't feel like he was going to panic either and so, he re entered the class room and took his seat once more.

He received a concerned look of his teacher but other than that, the rest of the lesson continued as normal and soon enough the bell signalling the start of lunch rung. Ikuya headed over to where Haru, Kisumi and Asahi were already sat and sat down.

The four of them all sat eating, Asahi constantly talking and Kisumi joining in the majority of the time. Ikuya was glad however, Asahi's constant talking meant that no one had the time to ask him about what had happened before. Or at least that's what he thought until Asahi turned the topic of the conversation to the lesson they'd just had.

"Oh yeah, Ikuya, what happened just then, when you wee asked a question?" Asahi's loud voice asked

Damn, how do I answer, if I tell them I felt sick, would they know I'm lying? Probably.

"It was nothing, I just felt sick I guess." Ikuya said uncertainly. He could feel Haru's eyes burning into the side of his head and so, he purposely avoided eye contact with him in case Haru saw through his lie

The bell for the end of lunch rung soon enough and everyone went back to their lessons.

Last lesson went by quickly and before Ikuya knew it, he was following Haru, Asahi and Makoto down to the pool. It was at this moment that Ikuya remembered what he had done last night which filled him with a sense of dread at the thought of getting into a pool full of chlorine.

Well this is going to be fun isn't it....?

Chapter Text

"Alright, next we're going to do five sets of 50 m free." Nao called out to the four first years who were stood in a line behind the starting block.

"Asahi, can you do it?" Nao continued, directing his attention towards the red headed boy.

"Yes!" Asahi replied before Nao continued explaining

"I'm going to time you now, okay? Let's start with Haruka."

The sharp sound of the whistle jolted Ikuya out of his thoughts, causing him to physically flinch at it's sound. Makoto must have noticed Ikuya's reaction as he then asked

"Ikuya, are you alright?" Makoto's kind voice asked. Nao glanced over at the first years who were still stood next to the pool.

"I'm fine." Ikuya said with a weak smile. Inside however, he was filled with dread at the thought of getting into the pool.

"Okay, if you're sure..." Makoto replied uncertainly.

Haru was now swimming back as Ikuya drifted in his thoughts once more.

"Next, Asahi!" Nao called out

"Yes!" Asahi replied, pulling his goggles down over his eyes as he stepped up to the starting block. Ikuya stared at him for a moment, deep in thought.

Asahi and Makoto both swam before it was Ikuya's turn.

Well this is going to be fun, isn't it

Ikuya was dreading it. He knew that he went a bit overboard yesterday and now his thighs were stinging like hell.

Nao blew the whistle again, and Ikuya dived in and began swimming, trying to ignore the burning feeling of chlorine getting into the many cuts that littered his thighs.

I'm so stupid, why did I do that, someone's going to notice something's wrong.....Actually, they probably won't, they don't care about you...No one cares about you....

As his thoughts ran wild again, Ikuya tried to take in a big breath of air to try and calm down however, his mouth filled partly with water, causing his panic to grow even more.

When he reached the end of the pool again, his whole body was shaking and his heart was beating at a rapid pace

"Ikuya, are you alright?" Nao asked, causing Ikuya to jump slightly. He nodded slightly, earning a worried look from Nao who obviously didn't believe him.

"Well if you're not feeling too good just go and sit down for a bit." Nao said to which, Ikuya nodded, pulling himself out of the pool with shaky arms.

Well done idiot, now you've lied to Nao when he was just trying to help you....you're so stupid, you really do deserve to die...

"How's it going?" Natsuya asked as he walked over. Ikuya flinched slightly at the sound of Natsuya's voice but he managed to hide it this time, not wanting Makoto to ask him about it again

"Their individual times aren't bad but the problem is their exchanges for the relay." Nao explained

"Hmm." Natsuya said "We're going to do relay training now."

There was a quiet reply of yes as the four boys all avoided eye contact with Natsuya.

"Ready." Nao said before blowing the whistle. Ikuya watched, slightly zoned out as Makoto swam back towards him again. When Makoto reached the end of the pool, he dived in, wincing once more at the chlorine filled water.

He got back to the end of the pool slightly slower than usual, pulling himself tiredly outnof the water whilst Haru and then Asahi swam.

The four boys finished the relay practice, only to be stared at disapprovingly by Natsuya.

"You're slow." Natsuya started "What do you think the reason for that is?"

"Our exchanges?" Makoto asked, looking up slightly

"That's right." Natsuya said

"So then, what is the reason for your exchanges aren't going well? Nao asked the four boys continued avoiding eye contact

"Do you want to swim the relay?" Natsuya asked. At this, all four boys looked away completely

"We should all just do individual events." Haru stated, earning both surprised and shocked faces off the other five people stood with him. "I'm fine just swimming individual free." He continued

"Haru..." Makoto began however he was cut off by Natsuya

"I told you if you quit, then we won't be able to participate in the relay!" Natsuya raised his voice slightly, causing most of the first years to flinch slightly, especially Ikuya who was beginning to have trouble controlling his breathing.

"All of us think it's fine to just do individual events." Haru added

"Well, it's impossible to do the relay with these members to begin with." Ikuya said, trying to act normal so that no one would suspect the wave of panic that was close to rushing over him.

"Don't say that! I don't think that at all." Asahi said, slightly louder than necessary and so, Ikuya backed up slightly, in an attempt to avoid Asahi.

"Then try to co operate with me a little. Asahi, you just swim however you want!" Ikuya wasn't sure what had come over him but once he had started, he couldn't stop. His breathing was speeding up at a rapid pace and all he wanted was to just leave.

"Shut up!" Asahi's voice broke him out of his thoughts once more before Natsuya's voice cut the two of them off

"Enough. The reason your exchanges aren't going well is because you all are just thinking about yourselves." Natsuya's voice was loud, too loud. Ikuya's panic was amplified by the loud voice. All four of the boys looked away

"Individual events and relays are different. Think hard about what that means. All of you, cool your heads." Natsuya said as the four boys walked off to go and get changed.

"Wait, Ikuya!" Natsuya called out just before he went into the changing rooms. Ikuya stopped dead, not even turning around to look at Natsuya in case his brother saw the panic filling his eyes.

"Ikuya, what's going on? You've not been yourself recently, especially today. Nao said you looked sick before, is everything alright?" Natsuya asked, his voice filled with concern

"It's nothing, I'm fine." Ikuya replied simply before attempting to enter the changing rooms once more. He was stopped however by Natsuya who put his arm in front of him, preventing him from leaving.

"Ikuya, I know that's not true, I'm not blind, I know that there's something going on with you. Please just tell me what's wrong so I can try to help you." Natsuya pleaded. It was driving him insane knowing that Ikuya was going through something alone however, if he didn't know what the problem was, how could he help.

"I said it's nothing! Please...Just leave me alone....I'm fine" Ikuya replied, his voice harsh. Natsuya's arm dropped and Ikuya turned away from his brother, preventing him from seeing the tears that were building in his eyes as he ran off to the now empty changing rooms.

Chapter Text

Later on that night, Natsuya was sat at the table in their kitchen, when Ikuya walked into the room

"Why don't you just change the training schedule?" Ikuya asked, his voice emotionless as he poured himself a drink.

"What do you mean?" Natsuya asked, turning around slightly to look at his younger brother.

"Even if we don't do exchange training, if we just do our best individually then the relay...." Ikuya was cut off.

"It's because you say stuff like that that it isn't going well," Natsuya stated.

"Are you saying this is all my fault? The other guys are the same," Ikuya asked in disbelief

"Stop playing innocent and blaming it on your friends. The relay is about the team." Natsuya answered

"Team? Friends? You're one to talk big brother. You're the one who said you wanted to expand your world and make new friends. And left me all alone first big brother!" Ikuya ran from the room

"Ikuya!" Natsuya tried to gain his attention, glancing back down at his work when Ikuya ignored him and carried on running.

Ikuya stopped in the hallway, resting his head against the wall as he let tears fall freely from his eyes. He looked around before deciding to go for a walk, grabbing his shoes and leaving the house before Natsuya could question him.

Hearing the front door close, Natsuya called out

"Ikuya?" He received no reply and so, thinking he imagined it, he turned back to his work.

Ikuya began running as soon as he was outside, not slowing down until he was a few blocks from his house. he didn't know where he was going however, he wanted to be anywhere apart from his house at this moment in time and so, h continued walking, ignoring everyone he passed by.

He's probably glad you're gone,

Ikuya thought to himself as he walked

He's probably been waiting for you to leave all this time. He won't be worried if anything he'll be happy. Happy that you're gone, happy that you'll never bother him again, happy that you could quite possibly be dead.

"Shut up," Ikuya muttered to himself, hoping to stop his thoughts from running wild. It was slightly cold out and Ikuya shivered, walking slightly faster in an attempt to warm up.

Ikuya eventually lost track of time once his legs became tired.. he had arrived at a small park that as far as he was aware, was nowhere near his house. He found a bench to sit on that was partially surrounded by trees. From where he sat, he had a nice view of the sun that had begun setting. It burned bright oranges and reds as it slowly sunk lower, the world around him growing darker.

You know what happens to people who go out alone at night, murdered, raped, kidnapped, mugged....

Ikuya's brain was working at a rapid pace, coming up with worst case scenarios and yet he couldn't bring himself to go home. It was dark and cold but he didn't care. He didn't want to go home. He didn't want to talk to Natsuya. He wanted to stay right here, even if it meant dealing with the many thoughts that rushed through his head.

Natsuya finished his work around an hour later. he packed up all of his things and decided to check on Ikuya. Natsuya hadn't seen him since he left the room earlier and he was wondering why his younger brother had suddenly gone silent. He knocked on Ikuya's door, receiving no answer.

"Ikuya?" He called, once again receiving no answer. He opened the door slightly, noticing that the lights were off.

Maybe he's gone to sleep, Natsuya thought to himself as he made his way towards Ikuya's bed. Looking closely, he noticed that ikuya was not there and his bed was completely empty. Confused, Natsuya made his way through the house looking for his younger brother.

After searching the whole house and finding nothing, Natsuya decided to try ringing Ikuya's phone. he dialed the number and listened to the phone ringing. Once, Twice, Three times. There was no answer.

"He must have gone out and left his phone here. Damn." Natsuya muttered before deciding to go and search for his brother. Something about the situation just didn't sit right with him and so, he pulled his shoes on, heading out the front door as he began to search for Ikuya.

Ikuya had lost track of time soon enough. He still didn't feel like going home however, he was tired. A loud yawn escaped his mouth as his eyes began to close against his will.

"No, I can't fall asleep here...." Ikuya muttered to himself, standing up again to go and walk around for a bit.

Natsuya had been out for almost an hour now looking for Ikuya. He had been round to all the neighbor's houses asking if they had seen him to no avail. No one had seen Ikuya and Natsuya was starting to panic even more

"Where could he of got to then? Why did he go out in the first place?" Natsuya murmured to himself.

After around another half hour, Natsuya decided that he wasn't going to be able to find Ikuya. He tried ringing him once more, again receiving no answer before deciding to call the police. After dialing the number, he waited, listening to the rings before a voice asked which service he needed. He answered with police before the call was passed on and a kind sounding woman asked what was wrong.

"It's my brother. He left the house around an hour and a half ago without telling me and I'm not sure where he's gone." Natsuya explained hurriedly, trying to keep most of the panic out of his voice

"Okay, try to stay calm, does he have a phone with him?" The woman's voice stayed calm, slightly calming Natsuya when she spoke

"Yeah I think so," Natsuya answered

"Have you tried ringing him?" Her voice was still calm, making Natsuya wonder if he was the only person freaking out in this situation

"Yeah, but he didn't answer me," Natsuya replied

"Okay, that's alright, maybe he didn't hear his phone go off. Could you please give us a description of what he looks like and a name?"

Natsuya answered as best he could and the woman told him that they would start looking for Ikuya immediately, making Natsuya relax slightly. His next thought was to call their parents and explain the situation tot hem and so, he dialed their number, listening to the rings anxiously as he tried to think of how to tell them

"Natsuya? What's wrong? We're on our way home now."His mother answered, sounding slightly confused

"Ikuya's gone out somewhere without telling me and I'm not sure where he's gone," Natsuya explained quickly

"When?" His mother asked, her voice laced with concern

"Over an hour ago." Natsuya replied, still worrying about Ikuya "I called the police. They said they'd sent some officers out to look for him."

"Okay...." There was a deep breath on the other end of the phone "Where are you now?"

"I'm a few blocks away from home. I realized he was gone about half an hour ago so I came out to try looking for him." Natsuya replied

"Right, go home, for now, we'll talk about it when we get home and then go out and look for him for a bit, Okay?" His mother asked. Natsuya nodded, even though he knew that she couldn't see it

"Okay," Natsuya finally replied

"See you soon then, try not to worry too much." After that, the phone went dead, silence greeting Natsuya once more. A loud sigh of defeat left him as he began slowly making his way home, still keeping an eye out in case Ikuya was somewhere he had missed before.

Chapter Text

Natsuya returned home defeated and downtrodden. His search for Ikuya had come back empty and he could feel the gnawing of anxiety deep inside his chest, clawing at his ribs, trying to escape. Constant questions of where is he? Why did he run off? Is he okay? raced through Natsuya's head at a rapid rate as he sat down at the table in the kitchen, attempting to calm down the buzzing thoughts in his head.
He had no idea how long he sat lost in his thoughts however, he was startled by a key in the front door. His mother appeared soon after, engulfing him in a tight hug with red puffy eyes and tear stains down her face. Bringing his shaking arms up to wrap around his mother, he finally let his tears fall, an ugly sob sounding out
"I'm sorry..." Natsuya mumbled, tears falling rapidly from his own eyes as his mother pulled away from the embrace
"Natsuya, none of this is your fault, okay. We should've talked to Ikuya as soon as we realised something was wrong, we shouldn't have left it this long." She sniffed, bringing a shaking hand up to wipe the tears off her face
"I'm going to drive around town for a bit to see if I can spot him, it'll be much faster than walking would be." His father gave the two a weak smile
"I think we should all go, being alone right now probably isn't the best idea. I don't want anyone to do anything stupid." His mother explained, sadness filling her eyes. Upon hearing everyone's noises of agreement, the three of them headed out to the car, setting off at a slow pace with each of them keeping their eyes peeled so even the smallest sign of Ikuya

After another hour of walking, Ikuya once again felt tired, his legs almost collapsing from the strain if walking and running for so long. He had no idea where he was which wasn't helped by the eerie darkness that surrounded him. The panic started once more as Ikuya realised he was truly lost until he could find a map or someone he could trust to ask where he was.

The level of fear Ikuya felt was impossible to compare to anything else as he heard a rough voice behind him shout
"Hey, kid!"
The panic consuming his mind was almost instantaneous as he turned as fast as he could to see a man in what he guessed was his early thirties jogging towards him.
"Please leave me alone, I don't want any trouble, please..." Ikuya practically begged as he came closer. He could run however, his legs felt like they were a minute away from collapsing under him and he assumed he be in less danger of being attacked if he stayed where he was
"Kid, I'm not going to hurt you I promise. What are you doing out so late?" The stranger asked, not helping to calm Ikuyas racing thoughts much
"Nothing...Please leave me alone.....I really don't want any trouble...." Ikuya stuttered out through the haze of panic filling his mind
"I promise I don't want to hurt you or anything, It's just me and my fiancee were walking and saw you, she was worried about a kid your age being out alone this late so I wanted to see why." The man had a calming voice however, it didn't help much to calm Ikuya's racing heart, nothing ever did.
"Kid, you need to breathe, you're going to pass out if you keep breathing that fast." The man knelt down on one knee in front of Ikuya so that he was looking directly up into Ikuya's eyes. Ikuya still attempted to avoid eye contact, knowing that he'd break down in tears if he saw genuine concern in the stranger's eyes. It had been so long since someone had been genuinely concerned about him and he knew that it could easily bring him to tears.
"Try to breathe deeply kid, can you try that for me? I'm gonna count, can you try and breathe in for 4 seconds then hold for 5 seconds and breathe out for 6 seconds?"
Ikuya managed a small nod as he attempted to follow along with the man's counting. It was hard as his breathing stuttered a lot however he managed to follow along roughly. The man took Ikuya's shaking hands in his own warm ones, feeling the coldness and the violent shaking of the small boy's hands as he gave them a reassuring squeeze and told Ikuya how well he was doing
Slowly with the help of the man's counting, Ikuya's breathing returned to a normal speed and his heart began slowing down slightly. The stranger smiled warmly up at the shaking boy, his eyes showing pure worry and concern as Ikuya's eyes began filling up with tears which began pouring down his face.

"Shhhh, It's okay, I promise you're safe. Are you lost? Do you want us to take you home? Or to a police station?" The stranger questioned, his concern growing
"No! Don't want to go home...Please don't make me, I'll just stay out a little longer then I'll go back I promise." Ikuya mumbled, not noticing the man's fiancee approaching behind the man who was still kneeling before the shaking boy
"What's your name?" The woman's gentle voice asked, reminding Ikuya of his own mother
"...Ikuya..." His voice shook as he spoke but the woman nodded in understanding as she also knelt down before Ikuya
"I'm Maya and this is Takashi, we'd like to help you but we need to know why you're out here all alone." Maya gestured to her fiancee as she introduced them and then waited patiently as Ikuya took a deep breath before saying
"I ran away from home a few hours ago after a fight with my brother...I didn't mean to go far but now I'm lost and...I've messed up so badly..." Ikuya was cut off by his own sobs which began soon after he began talking
"It's okay, you can stay with us for a few hours and we can try to give you some advice about what to do about your argument with your brother but only for a few hours. Then we'll have to take you to the police station and call your parents, they're probably worried sick." Takashi explained, his voice gentle as he reached out a hand to wipe away some of Ikuya's tears
"I'm sorry.....I'll just go to the police station on my own...I didn't mean to bother you..." Ikuya sniffed
"No, you've not bothered us, and there's no way we're letting you walk around on your own this late at night, especially when you don't know the area well. I promise, it's no problem, we want to help you." Maya's soft voice explained
"..O...Okay..." Ikuya's voice was small as he replied
"Come on, we'll walk to the park and talk for a bit." Takashi stood up, Maya following shortly after as Takashi reached to take Ikuya's hand in his own as the three began walking
"I promise everything is going to be okay, Ikuya." Maya smiled softly

Chapter Text

It was nearing midnight as Natsuya and his parents continued driving around in an attempt to find Ikuya. They had asked everyone they had seen and had so far come out with nothing but prayers that he's okay.
"We need to find him, and we need to find out what's wrong. This has gone on too long already, I can't even begin to imagine how he's feeling..." Natsuya's mother said quietly, her voice shaking with every word
"Do you think this is my fault..?" Natsuya's voice was weak and rough from crying as he asked this
"Of course not! Why would you even think that?" His father asked, voice full of disbelief
"All of this started after I pushed him away! He won't even look at me, surely it has to be my fault!" Natsuya let his tears fall once more
"Natsuya, I promise this isn't your fault, that might've contributed to it but it's not purely your fault, there's plenty of other things that could be at fault. Besides, we didn't do a very good job at making sure he was alright so it's our fault as well." His mother turned to him, taking his cold hand in her own warm one, gripping it tightly as a form of reassurance
"We're going to find him and we're going to fix this, don't worry." His father's calming voice reassured as the silence returned

The park that Maya and Takashi led him to was quiet, which was not all that surprising considering it must've been nearing midnight however, Ikuya appreciated the quiet and the cool breeze which seemed to blow away all of his anxiety and sadness. He took a deep breath, releasing it after with a long sigh.
"Could you tell us what the argument with your brother was about? Then we can try and help you." Maya's soft voice asked the question Ikuya had been dreading
"I don't even know where to begin in all honesty..." Ikuya's voice was quiet as he spoke, pausing to try and decide how to explain
"Me and my brother were really close when we were younger but when he started high school, he pushed me away to make new friends. I...have always been bad at making friends so I spent most of my time alone and it led to me being unable to cope when there are too many people and now I panic pretty much every day at school. My brother was complaining about our team for the relay on the school's swim team and I kind of lost it and shouted at him for leaving me alone, then I kind of left and didn't tell him and I've ended up here." Ikuya explained, a sad expression painting his face.
"Have you told anyone about this panicking? Like another family member or a friend?" Takashi asked, leading the other two over to a bench to sit down. He gently placed a hand on Ikuya's knee as the boy responded
"No, you're the first people I've told. I don't want to worry people and besides, it's not like they care. I'm fine, I can deal with it on my own."
Takashi and Maya exchanged concerned glances that went unnoticed by Ikuya
"Ikuya, I know it's hard to believe and I know your mind must be telling you the opposite of what I'm about to say but I promise you, people do care, I'm sure your family and friends do care but just aren't good at showing it. Many people aren't good at showing how much they love and appreciate people until they're gone but I promise, they do care. Even your brother. Its understandable that you're hurt by your brother wanting to make new friends but you also need to accept that sometimes it happens, people leave with no explanation and often there's nothing you can do about it but it doesn't mean they don't care about you, sometimes it just means they needed to move on in order to help themselves." Maya finished, her hand stroking gently through Ikuya's hair.
Ikiya nodded gently, staying silent for a moment to let Maya's words sink in.
"I don't want him to be my best friend or anything...I just want him to remember I exist...He only seems to talk to me when he has to or when I've messed something up...I just want to be happy and not worry constantly...is that so much to ask...?" Ikuya's eyes filled with tears again
"Ikuya...I think the only way to fix this is if you talk to him...Come on, you're exhausted, we'll take you to the police station and have them call your parents." Takashi's soothing voice helped to calm the tears that were once again falling down Ikuya's face
"No!... Please, I don't want to go home...You can leave me here, I'll go home later...." Ikuya's eyes were filled with desperation as he glanced between the concerned looks covering both Maya and Takashi's faces
"Ikuya...Okay, you can stay with us for one night and then we are taking you to the police station and are taking you home, you're parents are going to be worried sick...." Takashi offered, moving to stand up, offering a hand for Ikuya to take.
"O...okay...If you're sure it's alright..?" Ikuya asked, taking Takashi's hand uncertainly. Maya gave him a reassuring smile before saying
"We'd much rather you stay with us and be safe than staying out here where anything could happen to you."
The three began to walk, Ikuya keeping his head down as Maya and Takashi occasionally asked him questions or tried to start a conversation. They reached a small block of flats where Maya led the way up to the second floor, taking out a key and unlocking the door, stepping out the way to let Takashi and Ikuya in first.
"Come on, we have a spare room, this way," Takashi explained, leading Ikuya into the room.
"Are you hungry Ikuya?" Maya called from what Ikuya presumed was the kitchen
"..Not really, but thank you for the offer..." Ikuya replied.
"If you change your mind, there's plenty of food in the kitchen, help yourself to whatever." Takashi smiled before continuing "If you need us, we're just in the room across the hall, okay?"
Ikuya nodded in response as Takashi left the room. He sat staring at the wall for a few minutes before deciding to try and get some sleep.

After around 2 hours of driving around, Natsuya's father turned to him and his mother with a sad smile
"I don't think we're going to find him, its best if we all go home." He explained
"No! We have to find him! I have to find him! This is my fault, I need to fix it! Please...I really need to fix it..." Natsuya's voice was desperate
"Natsuya, I'm sorry but we're just going to have to hope and let the police do their thing." His mother said tiredly, her voice rough from crying. Natsuya reluctantly agreed as his father turned the car around, beginning the drive home which held a significantly heavier atmosphere. There was no hope, their only chance of finding him was the police, and Natsuya had never been more terrified and regretful in his life...

Sleep didn't come easily for Ikuya that night. His head was filled with thoughts. Thoughts about his family, his own anxiety, Maya and Takashi's advice and so much more. It was around 3 in the morning that he began realising how worried people might be about him, causing his thoughts to begin spiraling out of control at a rapid pace. It took him another hour to calm himself down in order to make a decision on what to do. He quietly slipped on his shoes and made his way out of the spare room, hunting for a pen and a piece of paper. Once he found some paper and a pen, he began writing as fast as he could, scared of waking up Takashi or Maya

To Takashi and Maya,
Thank you for your help and for letting me stay here, by the time yo read this, I should be back at home, I'm going to walk home. I'm sorry for worrying you and my parents, family and friends but I'm going to try and fix it.
Once again, thank you for everything, your advice really made me think,
Ikuya.

He left the note on the table so that it was clearly visible and headed to the front door, turning the key and slipping out of the door quietly.

Chapter Text

The house was deathly silent that night as Natsuya lay in bed awake. He knew his parent's most likely couldn't sleep, as well as the terrible thoughts of what could have happened to Ikuya, filled everyone's minds.

"I need to find out what's wrong...Before he ends up hurt or worse...I couldn't live with myself if someone injured him..." Natsuya's mindless mumbling filled the deathly silence that night time brought with it. Hours passed and Natsuya lost track of the time, eventually collapsing into a restless sleep.

Ikuya walked for around an hour or so, praying for a signpost to tell him where he was. The cold night air raised goosebumps on his arms and made him begin to regret his decision to leave Takashi and Maya's house however, he attempted to clear his mind of those thoughts and continued walking. It was all becoming too much for him and he could feel the panic rising inside him as tears threatened to spill over.

I have no right to cry, People have it worse than me, besides, I made people worry...This is what I deserve.....

He continued walking further down the road he had begun walking down before hearing a sinister chuckling behind him

"Well well well, what do we have here then?" A mocking voice asked before continuing to chuckle.

Ikuya spun around quickly, a feeling of dread settling deep inside him as he spotted a tall, muscled man stood behind him who was grinning, his eyes full of malice.

"What's a young kid doing out here all on his own, hm?" He asked, his voice dripping with hidden anger

"N...Nothing...Please...I'm going to go...Please leave me alone..." Ikuya stuttered out, backing away with his hands raised in front of him defensively

"Aw, how cute, You're nervous...It's okay I don't want any trouble, just give me any money or valuables you have," The man was smiling sadistically as he said this and it made Ikuya feel sick

This is what you deserve for worrying everyone and for leaving Takashi and Maya...

"I...I don't have anything...I swear..Please just leave me alone..." Ikuya stuttered out desperately

"Oh really? I didn't want to have to use violence but, since you ask for it..." The man immediately reached out and pushed Ikuya back harshly, causing him to stumble to the ground. The man then swung his fist hard against the side of Ikuya's jaw, causing a sickening crunching sound

Tears immediately fell from Ikuya's wide eyes as he let out an agonized cry just as the man began searching his clothing for pockets.

"No! Leave me alone!" Ikuya tried to fight the man off, simultaneously trying to ignore the throbbing pain in his jaw

"Shut up you bitch! Stop fighting an this will be so much easier!" As this was said, the man rained down hard punches on Ikuya's chest, making the boy let out choked whimpers which did nothing to stop the violent assault on his chest

Ikuya attempted to curl into a ball, covering his head with his hands as he tried to move away from the punches

"This wouldn't have happened if you just cooperated you stupid bitch!" The man's voice roared out. He landed a couple of hard punches on Ikuya's head despite his arms gripping his head harshly.

"Hey! What's going on here!" Another voice shouted angrily. The man glanced around quickly, noticing someone running towards him. He quickly stumbled up off Ikuya and began running

"Hey! Come back!" The other voice shouted as Ikuya saw a pair of feet come to a stop next to his covered face.

"Hey, kid are you okay? Shit, I'm going to call an ambulance," At this Ikuya let out a choked sound

"No! That's not necessary...I'm fine" Ikuya tried to sound convincing but it didn't work as his voice cracked with every word and each sound he uttered caused a rush of throbbing pain through his skull

"No you're not, you need an ambulance," The person said, their voice leaving no room for arguments. They pulled out their phone, quickly dialing an ambulance and explaining the place they were whilst keeping a close eye on Ikuya who let out occasional groans of pain. The person ended the phone call and came to crouch next to Ikuya, offering a hand out towards him.

"Whereabouts does it hurt?" They asked gently, not wanting to startle the boy who looked awfully young to be out at this time of night

"My head...And ribs...Breathing hurts..." Ikuya let out in between deep breaths, trying to manage the pain as best he could

"Help is on the way, they said they'd be about ten minutes. It's going to be okay....I'm sorry I never asked for your name," Although he already knew there was help on the way, hearing this stranger say it helped to reassure him more

"My name's Ikuya...." Ikuya said quietly, receiving a nod from the stranger

"I'm Yuuto, It's nice to meet you Ikuya, I just wish it could have been in better circumstances." Yuuto gave Ikuya a smile before noticing the boys eyes slipping closed

"Ikuya, no you can't close your eyes. You need to stay awake, you've been hit on the head quite a bit, you'll probably have a concussion,"

Just as Yuuto said this, the sound of sirens a few streets away became audible and it wasn't long before the flashing lights of the ambulance were visible. A couple of paramedics tended to Ikuya whilst one talked to Yuuto, asking what he knew about what had occurred earlier. They let Yuuto ride in the ambulance with them and he waited in the waiting room as doctors and nurses ran in and out of Ikuya's room. He drifted in and out of sleep until the sun began shining brightly in through the window.

Natsuya awoke the next morning with a strong feeling of dread still surrounding him. As soon as he got up, he checked Ikuya'sbedroom, only to sigh in disappointment at the empty room. He wasn't sure what he had expected but he couldn't help the bitter disappointment, sadness, and anxiety that surrounded him as he got ready for school. Maybe school could distract him for a bit, get his mind off Ikuya for a bit.

Nao walked quickly down the empty hallway, searching for Natsuya. He knew there was something wrong with him and he also knew exactly where to find him. He entered the classroom quietly, seeing Natsuya sat at his desk with his head resting on his arms. Thinking to try and distract Natsuya from whatever was bothering him, he spoke up;

"I'd really like it if the captain would stop playing hooky,"

"Shut up," came Natsuya's immediate reply, a lot quieter than usual

"Why don't you stop pushing him away already? If it's making you feel that upset," Nao approached Natsuya slowly, as if he was scared he would startle him.

"How can you tell I'm upset?" Natsuya asked in a small voice as he looked towards Nao with red puffy eyes that indicated he'd been crying.

"I always know when you're upset," Nao replied with a small smile

"Shut up," Natsuya mumbled once again "Besides it's not that for once," he looked away again as Nao rested a comforting hand on his back

"What's wrong then, I'll try to help any way I can," Nao offered as Natsuya sniffled.

"It's about Ikuya, I'm sure you can guess," Natusya began, gaining a nod from Nao " I...I snapped at him last night and I shouldn't have. He ran away from home and we've not heard anything yet...." Natsuya explained, hiding his tear-stained face in his arm

"Oh Natsuya, I'm sorry." Nao looked sympathetically at Natsuya "Do you want me to come with you to try and find him after school?"

"It's no use. We tried last night and couldn't find anything,"Natsuya mumbled, his voice now muffled by his arm

"You know what, you go home, I'll sort out the swim club tonight and then I'll come over and we can watch some films together, how does that sound?" Nao suggested

"No! I can't leave you to run the swim club on your own, you have enough to do with the first years, but watching films afterward sounds good..." Natsuya managed a small smile as he slowly sat up. Nao reached a hand out to wipe away the tears on Natsuya's face before pulling him into a hug.

"It's gonna be okay, I promise. Ikuya's a smart kid, he'll be okay, I can tell. But I really do think you should talk to him as soon as possible. There's something going on in his head and I think you're the only one he'll talk to about it," Nao said, feeling Natsuya nod his head as best he could in that position

"I'll explain to the others why Ikuya's not here if you want, I can make something up if you want?" Nao offered as Natsuya pulled away from the embrace

"Thanks...And yeah, could you explain to them, but you can tell them the truth, they're his friends, they deserve to know...I'd hate if you went missing and someone lied to me about it..." Natsuya smiled sadly before standing up

"We should probably go, right? We're already fifteen minutes late," He continued as Nao followed him out of the classroom to the pool

Ikuya was confused as he woke up, not remembering falling asleep and looking around to see a hospital room did nothing to help with his confusion. There was a doctor looking at a clipboard at the other side of the room, occasionally glancing over to Ikuya. When the doctor glanced up and noticed Ikuya awake, he smiled, approaching the bed with the clipboard still in hand.

"Ah, you're awake, that's good," The doctor began "I imagine you're pretty confused about what happened, don't worry, that's just a result of the concussion you've received. You also have some pretty bad bruises on your ribs and two which look like they're fractured slightly but nothing that won't heal on its own. Other than that it's just a bit of bruising and a few cuts and grazes." He paused for a minute to let Ikuya process everything he had just been told. Ikuya nodded slightly, signaling for the doctor to continue talking however he regretted it immediately when he felt pain soaring through his skull

"Now when the ambulance arrived, the person who was with you, Yuuto, only knew your first name, could you tell us your second name please and your birthday. Then we should be able to find your records and contact your parents as soon as possible," The doctor continued, making Ikuya flinch. His parents.....They were going to contact his parents...

"Excuse me, are you alright?"

At the doctor's concerned question, Ikuya snapped out of his daze. He was going to have to tell them anyway, just like he would have to face his parents eventually.

"My last name is Kirishima and my birthday is the 3rd of March," Ikuya replied quietly

"Okay, we'll contact your parents as soon as possible. A couple more things though, we were informed by Yuuto that you had been attacked by someone, because of this the police would like to question you on the suspect if you don't mind?" The doctor scribbled something down on the clipboard as he spoke

"I'm okay with that," Ikuya replied, feeling his tiredness begin to take over

"And lastly, if you're up to seeing visitors, Yuuto has asked to see you but only if you feel well enough." Ikuya simply nodded in reply this time, receiving a smile from the doctor who began walking towards the door, opening it and speaking to someone outside. Almost immediately, Yuuto appeared next to the doctor, looking sleep deprived and as if he had been crying.

"I'll leave you two alone. If you require assistance at all, just press the button next to your bed." The doctor explained quickly before leaving to tend to other patients

"You're okay! I thought it would be a lot more serious, I was so scared." Yuuto sighed in relief, taking a seat next to Ikuya's bed and taking his hand within his own

"They're calling my parents..." Ikuya said in a daze

"Yeah...that's good isn't it..?" Yuuto asked concerned. What if his parents were abusive and he was running away? What if Yuuto had just ruined his one chance of getting away by bringing him here? What if...?

"Yeah, I guess...But..." Ikuya stopped, taking a deep breath and looking up at the ceiling " I ran away from home after a fight with my brother...I just don't know what to say to them..."

"Ikuya....I'm sorry..." Yuuto said, his voice full of sympathy

"No, no It's fine...I'm going to have to see them eventually...Beter now than later, right?" Ikuya tried to laugh about it but the overwhelming anxiety made it hard

"Ikuya, I know we hardly know each other but I'm going to give you my phone number and I want you to text me or call me if you ever need anyone to talk to, I don't want you to have to deal with this alone, I know what it's like so maybe I could help," Yuuto explained, rubbing the back of his neck awkwardly

"Yeah, that sounds good...Oh yeah and Yuuto," Ikuya said, his eyes slipping shut slowly

"Yeah?" Yuuto asked, noticing the boy almost asleep

"Thanks, for saving me, and for staying with me, I don't think I could ever repay you....." Ikuya's voice slurred slightly as he slipped into sleep.

"It's no problem Ikuya, I promise" Yuuto knew Ikuya was asleep and couldn't hear him however, he knew Ikuya would never accept it if he said it whilst he was awake. He could tell that Ikuya had been suffering for a while now and he wanted to do anything possible to help the boy. He wrote his phone number on a piece of paper and placed it on the bedside table with his name next to it before leaving the room and heading home. 

Chapter Text

When Natsuya returned home with Nao, he expected to return to an empty house as his parents would usually be at work however, he found both his parents sat at the kitchen table, excitement clear in their eyes as they looked up at the two boys who had entered the room.

"What's going on?" Natsuya asked curiously, surely it couldn't be bad news with his parents smiling like they were.

"It's Ikuya, there's good news and bad news," His father began speaking, grasping his mother's hand tightly

"We got a call from the hospital a few miles away, he's been found, but he has a couple of mild injuries, I think they said from an attempted mugging but the police haven't spoken to him yet so they're not entirely sure," His mother continued and his eyes grew to twice their normal size as Nao wrapped a comforting arm around his shoulders

"He's okay....?" Natsuya mumbled to himself, relief flooding through him as his eyes grew wet. He could feel the tears begin falling down his face and roughly wiped them away.

"Natsuya, are you okay?" His mother's ever concerned voice asked gently. Natsuya took a deep breath before answering

"Yeah, I'm fine....I'm just really relieved......I'm so glad he's okay...." He sniffled slightly and took another deep breath "So, when can we go and see him?" He smiled widely, feeling so much calmer than he had all day

"We were going to go just now, we were waiting for you to get home," His father said, standing up from the table, soon followed by his mother.

"Is it alright if I come with you, then we'll watch some films when we get back?" Nao asked

"Of course...In all honesty, I think Ikuya would appreciate seeing you more than me at the moment...." Natsuya's smile turned sad at the thought which Nao noticed, giving Natsuya a quick hug.

"I'm sure that's not true, you just need to explain everything to him, I promise he won't be mad at you forever," Nao said softly

"Yeah...you're right, I'm just worried...." Natsuya replied

"Now come on, you want to go and see him right?" Nao grinned as Natsuya grabbed his hand and pulled him outside towards his parents' car.

Ikuya woke up confused around mid-afternoon. He had no idea how long he had been sleeping and the confusion flooding his brain made him question where he was before the vivid memories came back, along with the sharp pain in his ribs which flared up anytime he breathed.

There was a knock on the door and Ikuya attempted to tell the person to come in however, his voice was weak and cracked as he was speaking. The other person seemed to get the message though as two intimidating looking police officers entered the room.

"Kirishima Ikuya, isn't it?" The first of the two officers spoke, his voice gruff to match his strong build and piercing gaze. Ikuya nodded, slightly afraid as the two officers moved closer to his bed. He sat up as the officer who had spoken laughed quietly before saying

"It's alright, you're not in trouble or anything. We'd just like to ask you a few questions about the person who attacked you if that's okay? The doctor said you said you were okay with it but if you've changed your mind that is perfectly fine as well,"

"N..no it's still okay..." Ikuya stuttered out in reply. Although he knew he hadn't done anything wrong and that he wouldn't get in trouble, Ikuya couldn't help the overwhelming feeling of anxiety that filled him. The two officers pulled two chairs from the side of the room over to the side of his bed before asking him a variety of questions including what the man looked like and what he had said. Ikuya tried his best to answer the questions however, he struggled, the concussion making his head heavy and his memory hazy.

"It seems you're struggling to remember things so we'll leave you to rest now. We'll leave you a phone number to call however in case you remember any other information," One of the officers said after around half an hour. They pulled out a card with both officers phone numbers and names on and handed it to Ikuya before saying a quick thank you and leaving.

Ikuya gently lay back down, trying to move his ribs as little as possible. A knock on the door however halted his movements as he mumbled a quiet

"Yeah?"

The door opened revealing one of the nurses who had been taking care of him. She was carrying a tray with a glass of water and some pills on and she gave Ikuya a sympathetic smile

"I've got some pain medication for you, it should help to stop your ribs from hurting."

Ikuya nodded in response, accepting the glass and the pills as the nurse handed them to him. After taking the pills, he said a quiet "Thanks," earning another smile from the nurse.

"How are you feeling?" She asked after placing the tray down next to his bed

"Tired mainly, and confused. My ribs feel like they're stabbing me," Ikuya replied with a weak smile

"The painkillers should help with that. We'll send some painkillers home with you as well, as long as you take them often enough it shouldn't hurt too much, but you do have a couple of broken ribs so it's going to hurt a bit," The nurse explained before adding "Your parents are on their way as well, they're going to visit you and then the doctor will check everything once more. If everything looks alright, you'll be able to go home," Ikuya nodded with a small smile as the nurse left the room once more, leaving him to continue resting.

Natsuya, his parents and Nao soon arrived at the hospital where Ikuya was and the four of them made their way into the reception, telling the receptionist their names and who they were here to see.

Natsuya's hands were shaking as they made their way upstairs to the room they had been directed to by the receptionist. Nao noticed this and gently grasped Natsuya's clammy hand in his own.

"He'll be okay," Nao reassured, to which Natsuya nodded slightly, wiping away the tears building in his eyes before they could fall.

They reached the room that they had been directed to before Natsuya's parents halted, turning towards the other two.

"We're not going to mention about him running away just yet...I feel like it would be better to ask him at home after he's had a while to recover..." His mother explained and Natsuya and Nao both nodded in understanding

"...How bad are his injuries....?" Natsuya asked in a small voice

"They said a couple of his ribs were broken and he has a mild concussion but it's nothing that won't heal on its own in time, he just needs to rest." His father joined in. Natsuya gave another short nod before his father turned back to the door, knocking on the door before hearing a quiet, nervous-sounding "Yeah?" from inside the room.

They entered the room in silence, neither of them knowing what to say. There was a beam of light shining into the room from a gap in the curtains which gently illuminated the room, making them able to see Ikuya's pale looking face. Ikuya averted his eyes from his parents' gaze, accidentally making eye contact with Natsuya before looking away even faster.

"How are you feeling?" Their mother asked Ikuya in a quiet voice, sensing the anxiety that practically radiated off of her youngest son.

"I'm fine..." Ikuya replied, still avoiding eye contact

"I'm sure you'd probably be more comfortable at home, right?" His father asked, to which he nodded

"We just need to go and sign some papers and then we can go, okay?" His mother smiled as he nodded and her and his father left the room.

There was a long, uncomfortable silence as Ikuya, Natsuya, and Nao were left alone in the room. Nao attempted to lighten the atmosphere by saying

"I'm so glad you're okay Ikuya,"

To this, Ikuya smiled slightly and replied with;

"Thanks..." After this the room went back to being silent, neither of the three knowing what to say. After around five minutes, Natsuya broke the silence, looking directly at Ikuya as he started talking

"Ikuya, I'm so sorry...I shouldn't have said what I said the other day...." He trailed off, wanting nothing more than to envelope Ikuya in a big hug, however, he knew how uncomfortable Ikuya was around him, and he knew that hugging him surely couldn't make it any better.

"It's fine..." Ikuya's voice was emotionless as he replied, making Natsuya doubt the sincerity of it.

"Ikuya....." Natsuya was dumbfounded as he stared at his brothers bruised face

"I said it's fine, can you please just drop it...." Ikuya hadn't meant to say that out loud however, once it was out, he felt a heavy weight lift off his chest.

It was at this point that his parents decided to reappear, a doctor following them as they stood by his bedside.

"Okay, Kirishima Ikuya, I just need to check a couple of things quickly and then you're okay to leave," The doctor began his check up and reached the conclusion that Ikuya was fine. He gave a few extra details to his parents about how to help his ribs heal however, Ikuya zoned out, trying to ignore Natsuya's gaze which contained a mix of sadness, relief, and longing.

It wasn't long before they were all heading home, his father being careful to choose the roads which with the least potholes in them in an attempt to not agitate Ikuya's injuries. Ikuya drifted away with his thoughts as they drove, many different things swirling through his head however, one stood out the most;

What do I do now?

Chapter Text

They returned home not too long later, Ikuya's stomach filling with dread as he saw the familiar house

I'm going to have to explain myself, aren't I...?

The engine in the car shut off and Ikuya managed to get out with little to no difficulty, ignoring the hand his brother had offered him, also trying to ignore the look of hurt he saw flash briefly across Natsuya's face. Upon entering the house, Ikuya waited a minute to see whether anyone was going to question him, however, after a few minutes of silence, he began walking to his bedroom.

Of course I feel bad about making them worry but...I don't really want to talk about it right now...Too much has happened in the past few days...

He flopped down on his bed, hearing a crunching sound from his pocket. Reaching into his pocket, he pulled out a piece of paper and the card with the police officers phone number on it. The piece of paper was slightly crumpled but he could read the clear writing on it easily.

08529 3459 - Yuuto, call or text me whenever :)

Ikuya let a small smile slip onto his face, remembering the other boys who had helped him the other day. He stood up, grabbing his phone off his desk, typing in his password only to be assaulted with what seemed like millions of text messages, missed phone calls and a couple miscellaneous notifications. After entering Yuuto's phone number, he locked his phone again, ignoring all the notifications. He grabbed his headphones and placed them in his ears as he began playing some random music in an attempt to drown out his thoughts. Hours passed as Ikuya sat at his desk, legs pulled up to his aching chest and music blaring in his ears as everything that had happened over the past few days crashed over him like a ginormous tidal wave. He couldn't pinpoint when his breathing began speeding up or when his vision began swimming as it all happened so fast. It wasn't long before the lack of oxygen made him feel dizzy, doing nothing to calm the ever-growing panic

I can't breathe...I can't.....I need to calm down......Someone help

Natsuya sat with Nao in his room, his eyes red and puffy and his voice cracking every few seconds

"I don't know what to do...This is all my fault for pushing him away but I can't even think of any way to help him....." Natsuya mumbled, his voice sounding broken and defeated.

"Natsuya, this isn't your fault, you did what you thought would be best for Ikuya. I'm not just saying this because I'm your friend but I really don't think this is your fault. Ikuya's never been the most confident person ever so he must've thought he's done something wrong when you left him which isn't your fault, it's his brain twisting situations that caused this. Even if it was your fault, it's in the past now, all you can do now s support him and try to help him, if he'll let you," Nao finished, looking at Natsuya's expression which was a mix of dumbstruck and sad.

"Do you...Do you think it's too late to help him..?" Natsuya stuttered, scared to hear the answer.

"It's not too late. I mean, I doubt he'll ever be the most confident person ever, but it is possible to help him learn ways to deal with everything," Nao offered

"....Yeah.....I'm going to have to stop him from taking part in that tournament tomorrow aren't I?" Natsuya let a weak smile slip onto his face at the thought, no doubt Ikuya would argue about it and it made Natsuya proud that he was so determined but also annoyed that he was so stubborn.

"Yeah...He could possibly take part if he was extremely careful but I don't think it's worth the risk," Nao replied, making Natsuya sigh.

"He'll probably hate me even more after that..." Natsuya mumbled defeatedly, looking away.

"I'll be right beside you, I can try and help you explain," Nao offered, earning a weak smile from Natsuya.

"Thanks," Natsuya mumbled again before being pulled into a hug by Nao.

"Everything's going to be okay," Nao said, his voice comforting."I promise you,"

The next day was extremely stressful for Natsuya. He couldn't stop worrying about Ikuya and how he was going to react to not being allowed to swim

I need to fix things with him...I just need to think of how...

Nao noticed that Natsuya was off today however, he didn't mention it as he could already guess what was wrong pretty accurately.

Ikuya tried to avoid Haru, Makoto, Asahi, and Kisumi at school the next day, knowing that they would ask where he was and what had happened. He had hoped that he could avoid them until after school at the swim club as that way they wouldn't have the chance to ask him anything until after the end of the tournament with Sano elementary. Unfortunately, his luck ran out as the bell rang for lunch. He got up to leave the classroom before hearing Asahi's voice call him over. Pretending not to hear him, Ikuya continued walking towards the hallway, however, as he reached the door, Makoto was stood in the doorway, a look of concern on his face. He looked down at Ikuya's face in surprise, his eyes showing sympathy as he noticed the rather large, dark bruise that partially covered Ikuya's face.

"Please talk to us Ikuya," Asahi's voice said quietly from behind him, a drastic change from is usually loud, excited tone.

"We're your friends Ikuya, we were worried about you. You can talk to us about anything," Makoto added. Ikuya's shoulders slumped in defeat. He couldn't hide it now, besides Natsuya probably told them half of what happened anyway. He sighed quietly as he was led over to Haru's desk in the back corner of the room, the surrounding tables already pushed together. A pair of hands gently grabbed his shoulder, guiding him to sit down on one of the chairs.

"Nao-senpai already told us that you ran away from home and that they couldn't find you but...how did you get so many bruises?" Makoto explained to which Ikuya sighed again before taking a deep breath and starting his explanation, leaving out as many details as possible but still explaining briefly what happened.

"Basically I ran away from home and then some guy tried to mug me but someone else came and helped me, it's not a big deal really," Ikuya's words began to speed up towards the end of his sentence as his heart started racing

Not this again....please not now...not here...

"You don't sound fine, Ikuya," Kisumi pointed out. Ikuya choked on his own breath.

No.....they'll hate me if I can't swim...I can swim...I can.....They can't hate me...Please

"Ikuya!" Makoto's voice called. Ikuya only registered then that he had begun running out of the room and was now Running down the hallway. He didn't stop until he reached the toilets, running into a stall and locking the door behind him, trying to stifle his choked breaths by biting down on his fist.

I have to swim in that tournament today...I can't be the reason they can't practice...I can't.....

His gasping breaths did nothing to help his now aching ribs but he couldn't seem to calm down, no matter what he did. It had honestly been a while since he'd had a panic attack this bad. He could usually calm himself down enough to act normally in around fifteen minutes however, it seemed to go on forever as he struggled to catch a breath and force oxygen into his lungs.

I've really messed everything up, why couldn't I of just handled everything better.....

The door to the toilets opened and Ikuya bit hard into his hand to silence his panic attack, however, his bad luck continued as there was a knock on the door, a voice soon saying;

"Ikuya? Is that you? It's Haru," The familiar emotionless voice caused Ikuya to choke on the little oxygen he was getting in. He couldn't respond. His voice wouldn't work without breaking.

"Ikuya, I know it's you. Could you open the door?" Ikuya shook his head at Haru's question before realizing he couldn't see him. "The other's aren't with me, they're in the classroom still, I told them to wait there,"

Ikuya hesitated a few more minutes, hoping that Haru would give up and go back to the others, however, after around five minutes or so, Haru spoke up again.

"I know you're having a panic attack, it's okay, I'm not going to laugh at you," The lack of emotion in Haru's voice made it hard for Ikuya to determine the se=incerity however, from what he knew, Haru wasn't the sort of person to laugh at another person's pain or suffering.

Maybe it might not be too bad to open up to him a bit...I hope...

With that thought, Ikuya opened the door, stepping out of the stall and keeping his eyes glued to the floor, avoiding Haru's eyes. He knew his eyes must be red and puffy but there was nothing that he could do about it now, besides, Haru didn't seem too bothered. Haru gently grabbed Ikuya's wist, leading him out of the toilets and onto the school roof. They sat in silence for a moment before Haru spoke up.

"ikuya...I know you've been having panic attacks a lot recently..."

How? I didn't think it was that obvious, now he's going to tell everyone al they'll all hate me.....

"I'm fine," Ikuya began, only to be cut off by Haru

"You're not. We've all noticed that you're not okay, even Natsuya-senpai. He feels really bad about pushing you away. We all want to help you though if you'd let us..."

Ikuya looked up at the sky in an attempt to stop the tears that were building in his eyes.

"I'm sorry for worrying everyone...I'll try harder to deal with it better," ikuya mumbled. Haru reached out to touch his arm however, Ikuya flinched away, pulling his arm close to him.

"Ikuya..." Haru didn't know what to say. Ikuya stood up, quickly turning to Haru and saying;

"Please, I just want to be alone for a while, can you please ask the others to not come and find me as well? Please, Haru....?" Ikuya was practically begging at this point and Haru felt guilt run through him, he knew this was a bad idea.

"Okay," Haru agreed before adding "But Ikuya," The smaller boy turned to look at him "Please don't do anything stupid, be safe," Ikuya nodded halfheartedly.

Haru knows you cut yourself, he's clearly disappointed in you, you're a failure...You can't even hide your own feelings right...

"I mean it Ikuya, be safe. You mean a lot to everyone, even Natsuya-senpai, even though it doesn't seem that way..." Haru said as Ikuya reached the door to the roof. Ikuya nodded once again, opening the door and wandering off down the corridor somewhere.

Haru sighed as he watched Ikuya walk away.

"What can we do to help him...? He's already struggling enough, it's only going to get worse..." Haru mumbled to himself as Ikuya disappeared out of sight. He began walking back to their classroom, immediately being bombarded with questions about what happened and about Ikuya's whereabouts.

"We need to do something..." Haru said to the other three boys sat around the table, earning nods and hums in agreement "But what....?"

Chapter Text

Ikuya had returned at the end of lunch, ignoring the confused and concerned gazes of his friends as he sat in his seat, resting his head on the table before his ribs began to ache in protest once more due to the pain medication he had taken wearing off.

Their last lesson of the day dragged on for Ikuya, the dull pain from the many bruises on his body made it harder to focus, however, the bell eventually rang and he packed up his things. He noticed Haru, Makoto, and Asahi waiting for him and couldn't help feeling guilty as he remembered what had happened at lunch.

The four of them reached the pool and entered the changing rooms, getting ready as quickly as possible. Ikuya got ready however, he kept his jacket on after noticing how dark the bruise on his ribs was. He didn't tell the other's about his injuries and he'd rather keep it that way until after the relay.

"Ikuya, come on!" Asahi said, snapping Ikuya out of his thoughts as he realised Haru and Makoto had already left the changing rooms. He followed Asahi out and lined up with the rest of the swim club.

"Now we will start the practice tournament between Iwatobi and Sano middle school," A member of staff said as both teams stood by the poolside. They began the tournament with the hundred metre backstroke with everyone else cheering people on from the side of the pool. Natsuya was filled with nerves as he looked around frantically for Ikuya, not seeing the younger anywhere.

Upon finding him, Natsuya almost sighed with relief before remembering the task at hand and tensing up again slightly.

"Ikuya," He called out, gaining his brother's attention who simply looked at him, a confused expression plastered on his face. Natsuya gestured for Ikuya to follow him and headed out of earshot of other people. He gestured for Ikuya to sit down on a bench outside the changing rooms and took a seat himself a small distance away from his brother.

"I already know you're not going to be impressed by this but I have to stop you from swimming today...." Natsuya sighed, sensing the anger and...anxiety? that was radiating off his brother.

"No...." Ikuya mumbled, looking directly at the floor "No...I have to, please...."

"Ikuya...you've broken a rib, you swimming is just going to make it worse. That could mean you can't go to regionals," Natsuya tried to convince the younger, already knowing he was fighting a losing battle

"I can't...I can't let the others down by not doing the relay...This is what you wanted...You wanted us to do the relay...I have to....." Ikuya's eyes were already blurring with tears and he hated himself for it, not wanting to have a panic attack in front of his brother.

"They'll understand, you're not going to let them down," Natsuya sounded concerned now

"Please...Let me do the relay.....I promise I won't do any swimming after that until my ribs are fine...Please....." Ikuya was begging now and Natsuya tried to ignore how strained his brother's voice was, as if he was struggling to breathe.

At that moment, Natsuya wanted nothing more than to wrap his arms tightly around Ikuya and protect him from anything and everything, however, he couldn't. He had fucked up and this was what he deserved for it.

"...Ikuya..." Natsuya tried to ignore the small sniffles coming from next to him "I'll make you a deal if you promise me that you'll be extremely careful and that you'll stop if you're in more pain than usual then you can take part in the relay. But just the relay, forget about your individual event, okay?"

Ikuya seemed to hold his breath as he sat, hiding his face from Natsuya still. He gave a small nod which Natsuya didn't see and so he said a small "Okay...."

"Ikuya, I also wanted to apologise...." Natsuya was cut off by Ikuya standing up abruptly before saying a sharp

"Don't. I'm fine, there's nothing to apologise for...."

"Ikuya...." Natsuya tried to gain his brother's attention, gently grabbing his arm and turning him towards him seeing as Ikuya didn't even register him. Ikuya jerked his arm away violently before seeing the look of hurt that flashed across Natsuya's face.

"I'm sorry..." Ikuya mumbled before leaving. Natsuya stood dumbstruck, a million thoughts running through his head.

"Natsuya..." Nao's soft voice cut his thoughts short as he snapped his head up to meet his friend's gaze "You told him?" Natsuya nodded and Nao smiled sympathetically before saying;

"It will get better...But he needs to want things to get better first...As soon as he realises that nothing is getting better the way he is, he'll need help, from his friends, from me, from you especially,"

"He's taking part in the relay still, just not his individual events...." Natsuya confessed, gaining a confused look "He didn't want to let the others down.....and said about how I wanted them to do the relay...He was nearly crying Nao, and I couldn't help him at all...I just want everything to be okay again, I want my little brother back...." At this point Natsuya had begun crying, Nao wrapping him in a hug, gently stroking his hand through the other's brown hair.

"Shhhh, I promised you, didn't I? That he'd be okay, that everything would work out. I can go and talk to him if you want?" Nao's voice comforted Natsuya and reassured him that Ikuya would be alright

"No....it's fine. I'm fine. We should get back to everyone else shouldn't we?" Natsuya roughly wiped his eyes as he and Nao made their way back to the poolside.

When they returned, the 100-metre butterfly race was happening and Natsuya relaxed slightly upon seeing Ikuya sat with the rest of the team, his eyes downcast as Makoto spoke to both him and Haru.

The 100-metre freestyle was about to begin and so Haru left, leaving Makoto and Ikuya.

"Are you alright Ikuya?" Makoto asked gently. The other just nodded in response and the conversation went quiet for a few minutes until Ikuya sighed quietly.

"I'm sorry, I should just be honest with you all about things, shouldn't I?" The smaller of the two said quietly.

"It might help you if you do but you don't have to...We shouldn't have forced you to tell us what happened before so I'm sorry." Makoto replied gently

Ikuya smiled slightly at this before turning to look at Makoto.

"You had every right to, You were all worried about me and me avoiding you all day didn't help at all," He paused for a minute before continuing "This...is the last time I'm going to be able to swim for a while...." He confessed, earning a surprised gasp from Makoto

"Why? What happened? are you okay?" Makoto sounded like a worried parent which made Ikuya smile a bit.

"I didn't mention it before but one of my injuries was a bit worse than I made out, I'm doing the relay today but then I'm not allowed to swim until I'm not injured," Ikuya explained fairly briefly, knowing that if he went into too much detail Makoto would try and talk him out of doing the relay.

"Are you sure you're okay to swim though? No one would be annoyed if you can't swim because of this, it wasn't your fault," Makoto tried to tell him.

"I'll be fine I promise,"

And with that, it was announced that they would be starting the relay in a couple of minutes. Makoto and Ikuya made their way over to where Haru and Asahi were stood. Ikuya gained a few weird looks from his teammates as he still had his jacket on however, he ignored them as Makoto got ready to swim, setting off immediately when the whistle blew.

Once Makoto reached the opposite end of the pol and turned around, Ikuya felt the anxiety bubbling up inside him. They were going to see and they were going to ask more questions...

There was no time for him to think about that though as Makoto was on his way back. He took a deep breath and shrugged his jacket off his shoulders, dropping it on the floor next to the pool before stepping up onto the diving block, getting ready to dive in.

He heard murmuring coming from the side of the pool where the rest of the Iwatobi team was and he heard Asahi and Haru quietly exchange words with each other but he didn't think about it, waiting for Makoto's hand to hit the wall before he dived in, feeling his ribs ache in protest already. He began swimming however, he couldn't go as fast as usual without the sharp pain in his ribs flaring up. He pushed on, reaching the end of the pool as Asahi dived in after him. He stopped to catch his breath before attempting to push himself out of the pool, however, the pain in his chest stopped him which didn't go unnoticed by Makoto who walked over, offering his hand to him to pull him out of the water.

"Thanks," ikuya said quietly whilst avoiding eye contact. He was caught off guard as he was gently pulled into Makoto's arms, the brunette mumbling something about him being stupid for swimming whilst injured.

It wasn't long before Ikuya felt another pair of arms join Makoto's before he saw Asahi staring at him wide-eyed

"What the hell happened to you?" Asahi's voice was loud and made Ikuya flinch slightly as he tried to think of how to answer without being lectured about how it was dangerous.

"I'll explain in a minute when Haru's here," Ikuya said quietly before shifting in discomfort."Can you please let go of me? I should probably take some more painkillers...."

The two let go of Ikuya as he grabbed his jacket again, pulling it on as he headed into the changing room to dig some tablets and a bottle of water out of his bag.

He headed out again and was immediately met with three curious and concerned gazes.

"Okay, practice is over, everyone go and get changed," Natsuya's voice called out.

Once everyone had gotten changed, the entire team met outside the school, Natsuya congratulating them for the day's races. He dismissed them before turning his attention to the four first years who still stood in front of him.

"How was the relay?" He asked. When he received no answer, he continued "I'm not going to judge today too harshly because you had an injured team member but your exchanges were still slow, you need to work on them more,"

Ikuya took in a deep breath, trying to calm his heart that was racing so loud he could practically hear it.

Even though I took part, I still let them down....great...

"You'll never beat Sano elementary with your exchanges that slow," Nao added

"But you all have skill, you just need to improve little things," Natsuya finished before waving and leaving with Nao. Once the four of them were alone, Asahi immediately looked to Ikuya and demanded

"Explain," Ikuya sighed for what seemed like the millionth time that day as he began talking

"When I ran away, the guy that attacked me managed to fracture a couple of my ribs. I shouldn't have been swimming today but I didn't want to let you all down, you all really wanted to do the relay,"

"Ikuya....." Asahi trailed off before remembering what he was going to say "Your health is more important than a relay, idiot,"

"Asahi's right, if we knew we wouldn't have let you swim," Makoto added "Come on, you need to go home and rest or they'll never heal,"

The four of them started walking in slightly tense silence, no one knowing what to say after the revelation from Ikuya. they reached the place where they all went their separate ways and all said goodbye before heading to their respective houses.

Ikuya returned home to an empty house which calmed him slightly.

At least I won't have to explain why I ran away yet.....

He went straight to his room, closing the door behind him and lying down gently on his back.

He had no idea how much time passed but he heard the front door open, signaling the return of his brother, however, he made no move to go and say hi or welcome him home.

I would hate to be an inconvenience to him after all...

He thought back to the look of hurt that flashed on Natsuya's face earlier when Ikuya had flinched away from him and he couldn't help but be confused. Why did Natsuya suddenly seem to care about him? It made no sense in Ikuya's head, whether that was a result of the mild concussion which still lingered, he had no idea.

Before he knew it, it was late and his brother was knocking gently on the door, telling him that his dinner was ready. He honestly didn't think he could stomach food so he shouted

"I don't want any,"

Natsuya sighed gently, what was he going to do? Ikuya seemed to be incapable of forgiving him at this moment in time and it hurt Natsuya to think that Ikuya may never fully forgive him.

Ikuya looked down at the dark bruises littered all over his body, shivering at the memory from the other night.

I should have been able to protect myself....I'm pathetic....

These thoughts continued running through Ikuya's head as he fell into a restless sleep, regardless of the fact that it was still too early to go to bed. He tossed and turned in his sleep as is brain created horrific thoughts that made shivers run down his spine. He woke up with a gasp and a loud cry as he felt the stabbing pain in his ribs from moving around a lot in his sleep. He felt bile rising in his throat and rushed to the bathroom, emptying the little contents of his stomach as he whined in pain.

He wasn't sure how long he sat on the floor in the bathroom but light had begun to flood in through the open window, making him get up and head back to his room where he dug out more painkillers, taking them before he lay back down, staring at the ceiling as his thoughts ran wild.

If I can't swim, what's even the point in me going to the swim club? I might as well just quit.....It would probably be doing everyone a favour.....

Chapter Text

The next day had passed surprisingly fast and Ikuya had practically forgotten about his plans to quit the swim club. That was until Makoto burst into their classroom after school, enthusiastically saying;

"Everyone, let's go to the club!"

He appeared to not be able to stand still which was a drastic change from the usually calm and collected Makoto that they were all used to

"Makoto...?" Haru asked, confusion clear in his voice as Asahi added;

"What is it? It's unusual for you to come over here,"

"Ah well..." Makoto mumbled, sheepishly rubbing his neck

"Well whatever. Hey Ikuya, let's go to the club," Asahi brushed off Makoto's weird behaviour, turning to Ikuya who was sat hunched over slightly in a defensive sort of position.

"...I'm not going...." Ikuya mumbled, his voice barely audible

"Ikuya?" Makoto's voice was full of concern as usual which made Ikuya feel worse about the situation.

"Don't be stupid, Even though you can't swim you can still come to the club!" Asahi said in disbelief

Ikya stood up silently, still not looking at any of his teammates

"Do whatever you want, I'm going to quit the swimming club...." Ikuya's voice seemed to get impossibly quieter as he spoke

"Quit playing around, if you're joking then it's not funny," Asahi sounded angry as he desperately grabbed the front of Ikuya's shirt

The smaller of the two felt fear creep into his veins as tears began building in his eyes.

"Shut up!" Ikuya yelled, pushing Asahi's arms off him as he continued "I'm going to quit...."

Tears were now falling freely from his eyes and he did the only thing he could think of. He ran. He ran out of school, hearing the faint shouts of his teammates behind him, however, he didn't stop. He continued running through the streets in an attempt to be alone.

All he wanted was to quit the swim club and be alone. Seeing his brother there every day and having to talk to him like everything was okay was torture and he wasn't sure how much more he could take. Now he had made a scene and his teammates were worried about him.

This is the opposite of what I wanted.....

He eventually had to stop and catch his breath and, unluckily for him, it seemed the others had managed to keep up with him pretty well, Asahi practically tackling him into a hug as soon as he saw the other.

Ikuya gasped in pain as his ribs were knocked on the floor as he hit the ground and Asahi let out a squeak of panic as he began apologising profusely

"Asahi...It's fine...Please stop apologising..." Ikuya let a weak smile show

"don't even think about dying, Ikuya!" Asahi said, his voice a lot louder than it needed to be

"I wouldn't do that! I wasn't planning on doing that...." ikuya responded, caught off guard at the statement.

Asahi stood up and let Ikuya stand too as Haru and Makoto caught up to the two

"Why are you all here..?" Ikuya asked sadly, his voice lacking much emotion

"Isn't it obvious? Because we're worried about you. And we care about you, Ikuya, Asahi said, his voice calm, a drastic change from his usual loud, bubbly voice.

Ikuya took a sharp intake of breath and the tears begun falling faster.

"Why?" Ikuya asked, his voice full of pain as he stared up at the sky.

"Because we're a team, we're your friends, Ikuya," Makoto said softly"Is that..?" Makoto began, being cut off by Ikuya's quiet voice

"That's the swimming club me and my brother used to go to...We were both working hard so that we could swim at the world level...." Ikuya paused and wiped the tears from his eyes before continuing "As soon as he entered middle school, he separated himself from me...When I asked why he just said it was so he could make new friends...I just became a bother to him...."

"I'm sure that's not it....." Makoto tried to reassure"He probably just wanted you to be able to stand on your own, didn't he? Even though it made him just as sad,"

"Natsuya-senpai was worried about you...He couldn't think of anything he could do to stop you hating him...He said it so sadly though...He wants to make things right ikuya" Haru added before Makoto began talking again

"I don't think there's any way Natsuya-senpai could ever hate you, Ikuya. You're not alone. We all know you've been struggling and we could help if you just let us in and tell us what's wrong."

Ikuya's tears continued falling steadily as he began speaking again

"I always thought having my brother was good enough.....And then he left...And I didn't know how to talk to people...I don't like meeting new people alone...But I had to..." Ikuya collapsed to his knees as he gasped, trying to catch his breath as the panic attack caught him off guard.

"...I thought if I made my own friends and stayed out of my brother's way....he'd not hate me...Everything just seems to of gotten worse though....." Ikuya choked out between gasps and sobs.

A hand appeared on Ikuya's back and he turned his head, vaguely making out Haru's face through his tears.

"You need to breathe, Ikuya," Haru explained that he was going to start counting and that he wanted Ikuya to breathe along with his counting and the smaller of the two nodded and tried his best to breathe deeply as instructed. It turned out to be harder than Ikuya originally thought as he usually just waited the panic attack out until he eventually calmed down or until he became too tired and practically collapsed. Haru gently ran his hand up and down Ikuya's spine, helping him to relax. Haru thought he was sort of lucky to have experienced Makoto having a panic attack a couple of times as it meant he now knew different methods to help.

Slowly, Ikuya managed to get his breathing under control with Haru's help and Makoto and Asahi let out sighs of relief.

"I'm going to have to tell my brother about this, aren't I...?" Ikuya mumbled sadly.

"I think you should, but you don't have to right away if you really don't want to. I think Natsuya-senpai would be able to help you much more than we can if he knew what was going on," Makoto explained gently

"W..what is going on?" Asahi asked, his voice full of confusion"What was that?"

"....I don't know how to explain everything really...I have pretty bad anxiety and have panic attacks quite a bit which is what that was," Ikuya explained, his voice quiet as he looked down, not meeting anyone's eyes

"Ikuya, there's nothing to be ashamed of," Makoto could sense Ikuya's thoughts as he continued "I have panic attacks sometimes, so do a lot of people, there's nothing to be ashamed of, it's a normal thing to happen if you're anxious," Makoto reassured.

"Come on, let's go back to the club," Haru suggested and Ikuya felt his stomach flip with anxiety at the thought of finally revealing everything to his brother. He felt two hands reaching out for him, one belonged to Asahi who squeezed his shoulder gently in encouragement and the other belonged to Makoto who grabbed his hand, holding it as they walked back to school.

"We'll stay with you whilst you explain things to Natsuya-senpai if you want," Makoto offered

"We can help you to explain as well if you want," Asahi offered

"Thanks...I feel like this is something I should do on my own though..." Ikuya still mumbled slightly, not completely comfortable with talking about his personal problems.

As they neared school, Ikuya took in a couple of deep breaths, trying to clear his head of everything that had happened.

They reached the pool and were faced with a very unimpressed looking Natsuya and so, they all apologised.

"You guys have some nerve skipping club," Natsuya said, his voice sounding serious but not too angry

Ikuya felt anxiety bubbling in his stomach as he said

"It's my fault," He waited for some sort of reaction, however, when he was met with silence, he swallowed the panic he felt and continued "I ran out of school and everyone chased me because they were worried about me, and so we're late," Ikuya avoided all eye contact with his brother as he apologised once again, being followed by Asahi and then Makoto.

Natsuya was in shock as he watched the three of them apologising over something so trivial.

"What's wrong with you guys? Did you hit your heads?" Natsuya asked in disbelief, unable to come up with an explanation as to what was going on.

"Because some idiot knocked me over before I might have," Ikuya mumbled jokingly

"That's because you were acting so suspicious!" Asahi defended

"Most people wouldn't jump to that conclusion though," Ikuya replied, barely getting time to register what was happening before Asahi's hands were tickling his neck. Natsuya smiled at the scene in front of him, happy that Ikuya had finally made some friends, however, a sense of longing replaced the happiness soon enough as he remembered Ikuya's feelings towards him. ikuya finally managed to shake Asahi off him and get the redhead to stop and what he did next surprised Natsuya even more than he already was.

Ikuya turned to face him, still avoiding eye contact as he began talking

"Natsuya, I'm sorry, I know now that you were trying to help me by pushing me away, I just wish I'd have realised sooner. I don't hate you, even if that's what you think, the only person I hate is myself for taking it so personally when you wanted to make new friends, I know I shouldn't have been that bothered by it...." Ikuya paused for a minute to think of how to word his next sentence however, he didn't need to as Natsuya interrupted him.

"No, ikuya, you shouldn't be apologising, I should be. I know you have more that you want to say but we can talk later if you want, then there are not so many people around."

Ikuya simply nodded slightly, his breathing shaky as he tried to remember Haru's methods from before.

"where's Nao-senpai?" Makoto's question thankfully brought everyone's attention away from Ikuya and the smallest boy let out a sigh of relief

Natsuya explained to them that Nao was in the hospital for an operation on his eye, gaining gasps and worried questions about whether he was okay. He reassured the four boys that he was okay and said that they could go and visit him if they wanted.

After visiting Nao at the hospital, Ikuya returned home. Natsuya was in the kitchen when he entered the house and for the first time ever, he didn't feel the need to immediately run and hide in his room, however, he also found himself unable to start a conversation, his throat constricting, making it hard to breathe.

"Ah, Ikuya. You're home...Do you want to talk now or after dinner?" Natsuya asked as soon as he noticed Ikuya standing in the doorway

"Could we talk after dinner....I'm covered in dirt from when Asahi knicked me over so I really need a shower." Ikuya's voice was still quiet and sounded nervous, however, it was nowhere near as bad as usual.

"Of course. Oh yeah and mum and dad are out tonight so I'm making dinner," Natsuya said, to which Ikuya nodded "Go and have a shower, then we'll talk, okay?" Again Ikuya nodded, making his way to the bathroom and getting in the shower, his head not overflowing with negative thoughts for once. The negative thoughts were definitely still there but it was as if there was a fog over his brain that made it easier to ignore any bad thoughts. Ikuya thought as he stood under the gentle spray from the shower head, relaxing slightly for the first time in a long time.

Maybe everything will be okay after all...

Chapter Text

Ikuya finished in the shower, drying himself off and getting dressed before heading back out to the kitchen, seeing his brother finishing cooking. Upon entering the kitchen, Natsuya smiled at him however, his eyes were filled with an emotion that Ikuya couldn't decipher. Sadness, maybe? Longing? Ikuya wasn't sure and so, he asked

"Are you okay?" Ikuya asked, catching his brother off guard. Natsuya nodded distractedly, looking away from Ikuya and focusing on what he was cooking.

"I'm not that stupid, I can tell you're not," Ikuya commented, making Natsuya turn to face him once again.

"Yeah, I'm sorry...I just...I wish I could have helped you before it got to this stage but I was stupid...and look where that got me," Natsuya explained quietly.

"There's nothing you could have done to help, you know that as much as I do," Ikuya pointed out

"I know...I just wish none of this had happened, I wish I'd have known how much trouble it would cause to push you away," Natsuya sighed and smiled "Anyway, I'll be fine, don't you worry about me,"

The two of them continued taking as Natsuya finished cooking before they sat down to eat. They ate in relative silence, neither of them wanting to address the subject that they desperately needed to talk about. The silence became tense as they finished eating, both of them knowing what was coming.

After quickly washing up anything they had used, Natsuya gently grabbed Ikuya's hand, leading him towards the living room and getting him to sit down.

"I know this isn't going to be an easy conversation to have but I want to understand what's happened over the past few years, I know pretty much nothing about how you've felt and I really want to go back and punch myself for that but I guess that wouldn't help at all," Natsuya started as Ikuya looked away in thought.

"I..I'm honestly not sure where to begin...." Ikuya started "I guess it started with just not knowing how to talk to people properly and then meeting new people started to make me worry a lot...I first had a panic attack about a year and a half ago but I didn't know what it was at the time....." ikuya took a deep breath to slow his racing heartbeat. He could feel his eyes burning and his throat closing up, however, he had to carry on. Natsuya deserved an explanation.

"...I...I learnt how to deal with the panic attacks kind of....and then they happened less often but recently...they've happened more often again..." Ikuya's voice began to crack as he spoke however, he continued anyway, trying to ignore the tears that had begun running down his face.

He avoided Natsuya's gaze as he roughly wiped his eyes with his sleeve, stopping when Natsuya gently grasped his hand. Natsuya's gaze was full of a million and one emotions as he looked into Ikuya's eyes which were full of uncertainty.

Tears continued falling from Ikuya's eyes and the sight practically broke Natsuya'a heart. To see his brother suffering so much because he wasn't there to support him was quite possibly the worst thing he had ever experienced, however, he had to stay strong and be here for Ikuya. He had to make up for leaving him alone.

Natsuya gently wrapped his arms around Ikuya, carefully pulling him into a hug, being cautious about his brother's broken ribs as he began running his hands through Ikuya's hair gently, trying to calm the now shaking boy.

"Shhh...It's okay....you don't have to explain everything at once if it's too much...I want you to be comfortable and happy more than anything," Natsuya explained, his voice quiet and calm.

Ikuya eventually managed to calm down enough to carry on, Not moving from his current position sat in Natsuya's lap with his brother's arms wrapped around him as the older gently rocked them back and forth.

"I....I..have a lot of thoughts about how maybe people don't actually like me and they just feel sorry for me or just don't know how to tell me they don't like me....and I don't know how to stop them...I don't want to believe those thoughts and I don't want to think those things about my friends but it's hard not to..." Ikuya continued, burying his head in his brother's shoulder as much as he could in his current position.

Natsuya had a bad feeling about what his brother was saying however, he tried to convince himself that he was being stupid and overreacting. Despite this, he still asked in a quiet but steady voice

"Have you ever purposely hurt yourself Ikuya?" Natsuya held his breath as he awaited the answer. He had a suspicion that his brother had, however, Ikuya shook his head where it still rested on Natsuya's shoulder.

Ikuya knew he shouldn't lie to his brother however, he couldn't bring himself to admit to purposely hurting himself. He didn't think he could bear to see the expression of hurt on his brother's face when he realises that all of this happened without him ever noticing.

And so, Ikuya lied. He lied and said he had never even thought about hurting himself. He drowned out the guilt of lying to Natsuya's with the relieved expression plastered onto Natsuya's face. Natsuya would be hurt if he found out, even more so if he found out that ikuya had lied about it, and so, Ikuya vowed to not let him know. He couldn't. He wouldn't.

"...I thought you hated me....and the night I ran away... I just, it was so much easier to be angry at you and run away than it was to be sad or to face my problems," Ikuya continued

"i...If you don't mind me asking, what actually happened the night you ran away....where did you go...and what actually happened? We were told you were attacked and that's it..." Natsuya asked, his voice still quiet as if he was afraid of someone overhearing

"...I don't know where I went in all honesty...I just...ran and hoped you didn't find me...I wanted to be alone..." Ikuya began, taking a deep breath with the knowledge that he will probably get into trouble for talking to strangers "I ran into a couple and they talked to me for a bit...I know I shouldn't have....but they tried to take me to the police station but I refused...So they offered to let me stay at their house...I ran away again though early in the morning...." Natsuya held up a had to stop Ikuya from talking as he looked at his brother in bewilderment.

"You went home with some strangers.....Ikuya....that's...." Ikuya cut him off

"I know it's dangerous! I know that now...I won't do it again..I promise......I didn't know what else to do...I didn't want to come home because no doubt you were all angry at me and I didn't even know where I was and I didn't have my phone and..." Ikuya was cut off by his own choked sob as he struggled to take in a breath.

"Ikuya, I'm sorry...I shouldn't have snapped at you...." Natsuya said gently, pulling Ikuya into a tighter hug carefully.

"Shhh, it's okay, it's okay, I promise. Can you try and follow my breathing Ikuya?" Natsuya asked. Ikuya didn't answer and so Natsuya continued "I want you to try and take deep breaths okay? I'm going to count to three and I want you to try and take deep breaths in time," He began slowly stroking up Ikuya's spine as he struggled to try and breathe properly, only made harder by the small pain in his ribs whenever he took a deep breath.

"It's okay, you're doing so well, I promise I'm not mad at you, I shouldn't have said that. I promise you you're okay, no one's going to hurt you," Natsuya mumbled into Ikuya's ear, giving the younger something to focus on as he regained control of his breathing

Once Ikuya had calmed down a considerable amount, Natsuya stopped his mumbling however, he continued stroking Ikuya's back, the younger seeming to appreciate the comfort 

"Are you alright?" Natsuya asked after a couple of minutes of silence. Ikuya simply nodded before a loud yawn cut him off.

"Come on, let's go to bed, you look exhausted," Natsuya said with a small chuckle, receiving a long whine from Ikuya

"It's warm...Don't wanna move....." Ikuya mumbled sleepily and Natsuya chuckled again.

"You can't sleep here Ikuya," Natsuya grinned and Ikuya glanced at him, his expression sleepy and adorable. "Come on, go and get ready for bed and you can stay in my bed, okay?" Natsuya asked and Ikuya immediately perked up, scrambling to get up off Natsuya's lap and stumbling towards his room, a concerned shout coming from Natsuya as Ikuya almost ran into the door frame.

Natsuya stood up, making his way to his own room to get ready for bed, smiling to himself as he walked.

Things seemed to finally be working out after years of him and his brother not talking, and Natsuya couldn't possibly be happier. He had desperately missed his younger brother, had desperately missed being able to help with his troubles

Not long later, Ikuya entered Natsuya's room, closing the door behind him and immediately being pulled gently to lie down. Natsuya wrapped his arms around Ikuya once again, 

"Is this okay? Do your ribs hurt?" Natsuya asked gently, concerned for his brother's injury

"Yeah, I think...As long as I don't move around too much it doesn't hurt too much," Ikuya explained and Natsuya sighed in relief before saying

"Good, I can try and make sure you don't move too much, I don't want you to be in pain,"

Ikuya let out another yawn and Natsuya chuckled again

"Go to sleep, you need it," He said gently, returning to stroking Ikuya's hair, causing the younger to drift off almost immediately. Natsuya continued to run his hands through Ikuya' hair gently until sleep eventually overcame him too

Natsuya awoke later to Ikuya's shaking form next to him, causing him to reach out to touch his brother, who had moved fairly far away from Natsuya. Natsuya gently placed his hand on top of Ikuya's and the younger boy flinched harshly at the contact, moving his hand away as he curled into a ball

"Ikuya? It's me, Natsuya, you don't have to be afraid, it's okay," Natsuya reassured gently, slowly moving closer to Ikuya. He continued mumbling and talking to his brother, soothing Ikuya who was shaken from a nightmare he had recently woken up from.

"Shhhh, it's okay," Natsuya murmured, this time placing his hand on Ikuya's shoulder without the small boy flinching

"...Nat...suya..." Ikuya hiccuped, having quite clearly been crying earlier on.

"I'm here, you're safe I promise," Natsuya comforted, rubbing small circles on Ikuya's shoulder. Ikuya slowly began to relax once again and as Natsuya coaxed him to lie back down, he asked gently;

"Can I ask what happened? Or do you not want to talk about it?"

Ikuya stared blankly at Natsuya for a minute before registering his brother's question and responding in a tiny voice

"Nightmare...I thought he was going to come and attack me again...." He began mumbling towards the end of the sentence however, Natsuya understood what was meant

"I swear on my life, I won't let anyone hurt you again Ikuya, I promise," Natsuya insisted as Ikuya began to relax once more, snuggling up to Natsuya's chest as much as possible without jolting his ribs.

Ikuya soon drifted off to sleep once more however, Natsuya stayed awake, watching over his brother and stroking his hair reassuringly when he tensed up in his sleep. He stayed awake until his eyelids forced themselves closed after a couple of hours of watching over Ikuya. The last thing he remembered before he fell asleep was Ikuya's happy mumbling in his sleep.

Chapter Text

Ikuya awoke the next morning, confusion flooding his brain as he tried to work out where he was. This wasn't his bed, or his room, or his alarm blaring in his ears. His questions were answered soon after by a groan next to him, being accompanied by a brown mop of hair appearing from where it hid under the duvet. Ikuya's brain slowly caught up and remembered what had happened last night.

He turned over slightly, being as careful as possible in order to not injure himself, looking straight into Natsuya's intense gaze.

"Are you alright?" Natsuya asked gently, to which Ikuya nodded

"I'm fine, you don't need to worry about me so much," Ikuya said, looking away from Natsuya's eyes. The two of them began getting ready for school, getting dressed and eating breakfast before they left the house together for the first time in years.

"I've missed this...So much..." Natsuya said, his eyes glistening slightly with unshed tears.

"I have too.....I missed you..." Ikuya said quietly as Natsuya looked to his side to glance at Ikuya. The rest of the walk to school was spent in relative silence

Upon reaching school, the two of them went their separate ways, Ikuya meeting Haru, Makoto Asahi and Kisumi and Natsuya heading off to find Nao.

The day passed by quickly enough for Ikuya and before he knew it, he was being dragged down to the pool by an overly excited Asahi. Although Ikuya couldn't take part in club activities, Asahi had insisted that he still come along so that they could all walk home together and Ikuya had agreed, not having the energy to argue with Asahi when the redhead had already made up his mind.

Ikuya sat at the side of the pool as the others practised, his mind wandering as he stared blankly at the rippling water.

He could feel the gazes of many of the 2nd and 3rd years which made him feel uncomfortable for an unknown reason. Surely they were just wondering what happened to him, it wouldn't be anything bad, He had nothing to worry about. And so, Ikuya continued watching the others practising, Nao coming over to see how he was doing every now and then.

At one point, he decided to go and get a drink, heading towards the changing rooms where he had left his bag. He had just entered the changing rooms and had begun rummaging through his bag when he heard a loud voice outside the door.

"Wow, Natsuya is so pathetic, looking after his brother as if he was five years old, the kid's twelve, surely he shouldn't have to be relying on his brother so much," One of the voices said, causing the other to burst out laughing

"I heard that Natsuya's only doing it because his parents made him. Otherwise, the kid would keep running away from home like the pathetic idiot he is. Couldn't even fight off one guy who tried to mug him, it's ridiculous," Another voice said, their voice filled with malice. Ikuya held his breath as he came closer to the door in order to hear the people clearer.

Surely Natsuya doesn't think that.....Surely they're wrong...Right...?

Ikuya's thoughts began to run wild as he continued listening.

"Maybe the kid will realise soon enough that his precious brother doesn't actually care about him and then he'll disappear," 

"I heard from Natsuya as well that his brother cuts himself too, how pathetic! He said he hoped he carried on so that he could have some peace and quiet, it's understandable, no one wants to hear their younger brother whining about how hard their life is,"

"What could possibly be so hard about being in your first year of middle school? Oh nooo, I might have to talk to new people. So scary! Someone protect me please!" 

The mocking tones continued until Ikuya couldn't take it anymore. He grabbed his bag, pulling his phone out and sending a text to his brother.

To: Natsuya

From: Ikuya

I'm going home early, I don't feel well, don't bother coming home early, I'm fine

He sent the text and practically ran out of the school building, his ribs protesting with every harsh breath he pulled into his lungs however, he didn't stop. He carried on until he reached the front door of his house, his ribs sending jolts of pain throughout his body as he fought to catch his breath He unlocked the door, entering the house and locking the door behind him as he made his way to the bathroom,  locking the door behind him once more and entering the shower after stripping off his school uniform, turning the temperature down as far as it would go. It was freezing but he could care less, wanting nothing more than to feel something, anything.

He reached out of the shower, rummaging through the cupboard next to it to find a small sharp silver blade. He stared intensely at the blade in his hand

I should just end it all...

"No!" Ikuya shouted out loud, gripping the blade in his hand tightly, the sharp edge slicing through his palm. He didn't feel it at all however, he only felt the deep pain in his heart and the overwhelming urge to just cut away all his feelings.

Raising his bloody palm, he brought the blade down on his wrist, the cool metal feeling calming against the delicate skin. With a shaking hand, he dragged the small piece of mental along the skin, blood immediately pooling out of the thin cut, turning into small bubbles which were soon washed down the drain, turning the water a light pink colour.

His head began swimming slightly after he repeated this a couple of times and although he knew that he should stop, should get out the shower and bandage the cuts, he couldn't seem to bring himself to stop. The cold water was stinging his back and shoulders and his fingers had long since turned numb as he added more and more cuts upon his wrist.

He hates me, he hates me, he hates me......I'm sorry, Natsuya, I'm so sorry.

He faintly heard the front door open and his brain cleared enough for him to realise what he had done, seeing the red water below him. He dropped the blade, not caring where it went as he stumbled out of the shower, grabbing some bandages from the cupboard before tightly wrapping both of his arms up, his mind overcome with panic as he desperately scrambled around the bathroom, drying himself off and wrapping a towel around himself. Just as he was about to leave the room, he remembered the blade which he had left on the floor, quickly moving across the room to retrieve it before making sure there was no other evidence of what had occurred in here. 

All the moving around had begun to make him dizzy as he pulled on some clothes that would cover the bandages just as Natsuya's voice was heard on the other side of the door, asking what was wrong and what he was doing, to which Ikua simply responded that he had felt a bit sick and had come home to have a shower to help him feel better. Natsuya hummed in slight confusion as Ikuya finished getting changed just as black spots began forming in the corners or=f his vision.

He threw the bathroom door open, startling Natsuya who was stood on the other side of the door before he attempted to walk quickly to his room, however, he was stopped by Natsuya's arm grabbing his wrist and pulling him back.

"What's wrong with you? I thought we were past this?" Natsuya asked, his voice full of both hurt and confusion as Ikuya struggled to break free from the elders grasp, hissing when Natsuya's grip only tightened. His vision was almost fully black now as he could feel himself swaying slightly on the spot as Natsuya released his grip. He attempted to make his way to his room once more, however, as soon as he took a step, the world went black and he could feel himself falling.

Natsuya rushed to catch Ikuya as he fell to the floor, lying the younger down carefully as he tried not to panic. It was at this point that Natsuya noticed the red spots appearing on Ikuya's sleeves, dread filling his veins and clouding his thought process. He pulled up his brother's sleeves, seeing bandages being steadily panted in red.

Attempting to take a deep breath, Natsuya pulled out his phone, his hands shaking more than ever as he dialled an ambulance, desperately telling the paramedics his address and what had happened. He barely managed to hold himself together long enough for the ambulance to arrive as panic overtook his entire body. 

There was so much blood, how much more had Ikuya lost? Was he going to survive? Why had this happened? He had thought that things would be okay for now, what had changed everything so drastically?

The paramedics arrived soon after, quickly placing Ikuya onto a stretcher and taking him into the ambulance. They offered to let Natsyago in the ambulance with them and he shakily agreed as one of the paramedics desperately tried to get him to calm down.

He could hear the multitude f voices around him however, he couldn't distinguish what they were saying or who each voice belonged to. It felt like he was underwater, like he was drowning.

Is this how Ikuya's felt this whole time?

Natsuya's thoughts were filled with Ikuya, so much so that he didn't even think about calling his parents. In his panic, his parents had been the last thing on his mind and even now, Ikuya was at the forefront of his mind, consuming his thoughts. Besides, the hospital would have to notify his parents when they got there.

His mind was a mess as they reached the hospital and they took Ikuya into a room, asking Natsuya to wait in the waiting area. All that was on his mind as he waited was thoughts of Ikuya and whether he'd be okay, and most of all, what had made him do this? He had seemed fine earlier that day however, he wasn't, and Natsuya couldn't help but blame himself for not being there for him.

For the first time since he returned home that day, tears began falling from Natsuya's eyes, the shock finally wearing off enough for the true pain and sadness to show itself as he sat alone in the waiting room.

Chapter Text

How long had it been since he got here? An hour? Five hours? Natsuya had no idea. He had long since tried to drown out the bustling noise of the hospital, however, a sudden increase in noise had him snapping back into reality, his head swimming with the amount of noise. He could hear voices, raised voices. And they were coming from the room that Ikuya was in, doing nothing to help the growing dread in Natsuya's heart.

All of a sudden, there was silence from the previously loud room. Natsuya held his breath as a nurse came out of the room, the look in her eyes telling him all he needed to know. The tears came down immediately and he didn't even hear what the nurse said. He didn't need to. He already knew. Ikuya was gone.

And just like that Natsuya's world came crashing down around him.

He couldn't breathe, couldn't stop shaking from head to toe, couldn't bear the harsh reality of the situation. His brother was dead. He could've helped, but he was too late, and now Ikuya was...

He couldn't even bear the thought of it.

Everything seemed to move in slow motion as hand's started grabbing at him, trying to gain his attention. He threw his arms out to stop whoever it was from touching him. He didn't want anyone to touch him however, it wouldn't stop. He let out a loud sob, begging whoever it was to stop touching him. He could feel his vision going blurry, the people in front of him no longer in focus and he almost sighed in relief. At least he could be alone for a while.....

Natsuya snapped awake, sitting up as fast as possible, coming close to hitting his father in the head as he shot up. There were hands resting on his arms and they gently guided him to sit back down.

"It's okay, it was just a dream, I promise," His mother's comforting voice came from beside him, accompanied by her stroking his hair gently. It was clear that she had been crying by the rough tone of her voice as she spoke and the small sniffles that escaped every now and then. He let out a loud sob as the nightmare came rushing back to him. Ikuya....Where was Ikuya? Was he okay? Was he...alive?

"Iku....ya..." Natsuya managed to choke out between sobs and his mother stroked a hand up and down his spine "Is he alive...?"

"Shhhh, it's okay...Yes, he's alive, I promise you," This time it was his father speaking, his voice also sounding rough, however, Natsuya could tell that he was trying to be strong about the situation.

"I'm ...s...sorry... I should have noticed him leave practice...I should have s...stopped him...m...maybe then this wouldn't have h...happened...." Natsuya was choking on his own sobs as he tried to speak and his mother gently silenced him, instructing him to breathe as deeply as he could

It helped him to clear his head slightly but he couldn't ignore the crippling guilt and sadness that resided deep in his heart.

"It's not your fault Natsuya, please, don't ever blame this on yourself. We should have talked about it after he ran away but we left it, if anyone was to blame it would be us."His father had now sat on the other side of him and was running a comforting hand up and down his arm, helping to calm him down further.

It was at his point that a doctor cleared his throat next tot he three of them. He appeared to have been standing there a while however, he hadn't wanted to interrupt in case he had made Natsuya panic even more. They all turned their attention to the kind looking doctor who, after confirming they were Ikuya's family, began to explain.

"He's stable but he's lost quite a bit of blood so we've given him a blood transfusion which will take possibly around another two hours. We gave him a general anaesthetic so when he wakes up he'll probably be a bit confused and might not remember what happened too well. Some of the cuts on his arms needed stitches but they should heal relatively quickly, however, we did find some more cuts on his legs which seemed older but are still a cause for concern as this has been going on for a while. We're also aware that he broke some of his ribs a while ago but they don't seem to have healed all that much so we were wondering whether he has done any physical activities that might have stopped them from healing?"

At the question, Natsuya looked away before quietly answering

"He swam in the relay at the practice tournament the other day...He refused to sit out...."

At this, the doctor nodded understandingly before continuing

"Okay, and I'm sure you know that we're going to have to keep him here for a while to monitor him, just in case."

Everyone nodded and the doctor smiled sympathetically

"We're going to have a psychologist talk to him as soon as possible as well and then see where to go from there if that's okay?" The doctor asked, receiving frantic agreements from Ikuya's parents

"If there's a chance it could help him, I'm willing to try anything," His mother choked out over the lump in her throat.

"You can go in and see him if you'd like but he's still unconscious, I'll be back to check on him in a while," The doctor said before leaving the three of them to brace themselves for the sight they were about to see.

As they entered the room, Natsuya held his breath, attempting to calm himself as his heart raced painfully fast in his chest.

The lights in the room were dim however, he could see Ikuya's pale form easily. He had various tubes running into his arms and his forearms were wrapped in white bandages, covering the horror that Natsuya knew was underneath.

He looked pale and sickly as he lay motionless save from the soft movement from his chest. Natsuya couldn't have stopped the tears running down his face if he had tried. Seeing his brother in this condition immediately made his throat close up as he remembered the blood. There had been so much blood, he had honestly thought he wouldn't make it. The nightmare from earlier still hung heavily over his head, making him paranoid that at any moment, Ikuya could be gone. Because of this, the brunette refused to take his eyes off Ikuya's frail form, scared that if he glanced away, he would disappear.

His mother attempted to comfort him however, she was in tears herself, and so, the two of them sat down beside Ikuya's bed, each of them crying silently as they let their thoughts drift.

The atmosphere in the room was heavy and sombre, the reality of what had happened crashing over them like a tidal wave. Ikuya had almost died. More importantly, he had tried to kill himself. How did this happen? When did it get this bad? These thoughts ran through everyone's heads, however, none of them had any answers.

A small whimper interrupted their thoughts as everyone's heads snapped up to where Ikuya lay, noticing his eye's opened slightly, squinting even though the lighting was dim. He whimpered again as he slowly opened his eyes and looked around, confusion evident on his face.

His arms stung slightly and his head felt foggy as he tried to remember what had happened. He could feel his ribs aching slightly more than usual but he ignored it in favour of twisting his body around slightly, his eyes following one of the tubes which ran into his arm.

After finding out that the tube led to a bag of blood hanging next to him, he moved his gaze to find the tear-stained faces of his parents and his brother.

Seeing her son's wide, confused eyes staring at her with such innocence made their mother break down once more, tears falling rapidly down her face as she wiped her face with her hands repeatedly as if it would make the tears stop.

"What happened...?" Ikuya asked quietly, his brain taking a few moments to think of what to say. He looked down at his bandaged arms and felt dread pool deep in his gut.

Surely it couldn't be....No! I can't have done that...Right?

"Ikuya....." His father's voice sounded strained as he contemplated how to explain the situation. He took a deep breath before continuing "You...tried to kill yourself..." His voice was barely audible towards the end of the sentence, tears falling from his eyes as he looked up at the ceiling, trying to calm himself.

Ikuya froze. His whole world seemed to stop spinning on its axis and he could feel it crashing down around him.

The room was silent save for sniffles and barely concealed sobs from his family as he stared intensely at his hands. His head was spinning with the new information he had been told and he felt dizzy just thinking about how he had ended up here. Who had found him? What had he done?

Without realising it, tears slowly fell from Ikuya's eyes, Everyone in the room jumping up immediately to calm him down, despite the fact that they were all crying too.

"Shhhh...It's okay...We'll talk about it later when you're less confused...." His father began speaking in a soothing voice

It took a while for Ikuya's tears to stop and once they did, there was a knock on the door, the doctor from before poking his head in. He entered the room and smiled slightly upon seeing Ikuya awake, looking at him with wide eyes filled with confusion.

"The psychologist would like to see you if that's okay?" He said, directing the question at Ikuya who simply nodded, looking defeated and disappointed.

"I'm sorry but you'll have to leave for a while whilst the psychologist talks to him, people often lie or leave details out when their family members are in the room because they don't want to upset them," The doctor explained in a gentle voice, to which Ikuya's parents nodded, leaving the room after saying a quick goodbye and leaving a kiss on Ikuya's head.

The doctor followed them out of the room, reemerging a minute later with another person. She looked to be around 30 and she wore a kind, reassuring smile as the doctor began talking

"This is Dr Shinozaki, she's a psychologist here. She's just going to ask you a couple of questions and try to help you out, okay?"

Ikuya nodded with a small, forced smile as the doctor smiled and left the room.

Dr Shinozaki took a seat next to Ikuya's bed and clicked her pen, reading over something before she looked up at him and asked;

"I want you to answer honestly but how are you feeling? "

Ikuya paused for a minute, trying to think of how he was actually feeling before deciding to be completely honest, answering with

"I don't know...I can't think of what I feel, there's just lots of different feelings...."

"Can you name any of these feelings or not?" She asked once more

"Uhh...guilt slightly...sadness obviously....fear a bit....I'm not really sure..." Ikuya tried to explain, unable to explain how he felt

"Okay that's a good start, I know this may be a hard question to answer but have you ever thought about suicide before? she asked, her voice full of reassurance as she spoke.

"Uhh...a bit I guess....but it was never in detail, I didn't want to kill myself...I just...I don't know...." Ikuya rushed to try and explain himself.

"It's okay, you're bound to be confused and unsure about everything at the moment, I'm not sure whether you've been told that they're going to keep you here for a couple of days until we're sure you're not a threat to yourself?" Dr Shinozaki asked in a gentle voice

"No, I haven't been told that but it makes sense..." Ikuya looked away, the guilt clawing at his chest violently.

"I'm going to guess that you feel guilty because your family are worried, am I right?" The psychologist asked, sensing Ikuya's inner turmoil. Ikuya simply nodded and she continued, "You have nothing to feel guilty about, even though I know it's hard to believe, you've said yourself you didn't want to kill yourself, it was a mental health problem that escalated into this and that's by no means your fault,"

Ikuya tried to believe her words, however hard it was as she stood up to leave, explaining that she would return in a few hours to check on him and then tomorrow to talk in more detail about what happened.

Once she left, Ikuya sighed slightly, staring blankly at the ceiling. His thoughts were running wild right now and he didn't know what to focus on. His family returned to the room however, they all seemed to be walking on eggshells around him, not wanting to upset him in any way although it did nothing but further unnerve Ikuya.

It was another couple of hours before his parents and brother were asked to leave and once they did, Dr Shinozaki entered the room again, asking a couple of general questions about whether he was in pain and how he felt before she smiled, happy with the answers as she left once more.

Ikuya spent a couple more hours staring into the now dark room, his thoughts keeping him awake no matter how much his eyelids tried to close, longing for sleep, however, he eventually fell into a restless sleep, his mind plagued with nightmares of what he'd done.

Chapter Text

Ikuya awoke to the bustling noise of the hospital. He could hear people rushing around outside his room however, a gentle knocking on the door disturbed him from any further thoughts. He let out a small 'yeah' to whoever was outside and was greeted by Dr Shinozaki who entered the room with a kind smile on her face.

She took a seat next to his bed once again, flicking through a ring binder full of sheets of paper before supposedly finding the one she was looking for and reading over the page quickly.

"Okay, so yesterday we talked a little bit about how you were feeling and about some of the problems you've faced so how are you feeling today?" She asked, making eye contact with Ikuya as she spoke

Ikuya sighed quietly, breaking eye contact as he looked to the ground.

"I've been better....That's kind of obvious though...I still feel guilty but it's like it's in the background. I'm not sure how to explain it, everything just feels fuzzy and strange," Ikuya attempted to explain, struggling to think of how to word his feelings.

"And have you ever felt this way before or not?" The next question made Ikuya think. He wanted to say no however, the more he thought about it, the more he realised he had felt this way before. When him and Natsuya hadn't been talking, when he had felt alone.

He nodded in reply, bracing himself for the question he knew would be coming eventually; what made him do it?

"Okay, and have you ever found any ways to cope with this feeling, maybe to reduce the feeling or get rid of it all together?" Ikuya shook his head in response to this question

"I've always just kind of accepted that it was how I felt and that there was nothing I could do about it..." He responded quietly

"How often would you say you experience stress in everyday life?" Dr Shinozaki had quickly made some notes before asking Ikuya this and he had to mentally count the amount of panic attacks he had on an average day

"Quite often...I've been having a lot of panic attacks recently....Usually it's around once or twice per day but sometimes it's worse....It gets especially worse when I have to meet new people or do something I'm not a hundred percent comfortable with," Ikuya explained

"Are there any reasons you can think of for this? Any family or school issues? Is it just because you're anxious around new people?" Dr Shinozaki's question caused Ikuya to tense up. What would she think of Natsuya if he answered honestly and told her about all the thoughts that had plagued his mind.

"I...I fell out with my brother a couple of years ago..." Ikuya began, deciding to face the music "He...wanted to make new friends when he went into middle school, so he separated himself from me. I understand now why he did it but I started to have panic attacks during the time we weren't talking and it's gotten worse and worse. He only seemed to start to care this year when I started middle school too...." Ikuya finished, choking on his words slightly which Dr Shinozaki seemed to notice however, she didn't comment on it which he appreciated.

The session continued on like this for a while and Dr Shinozaki asked all sorts of questions, about his feeling, about Natsuya, about school and swimming, and about everything in between. By the end of it all, Ikuya was exhausted however, there was on thing that was bugging him. Something deep in the back of his mind.

As Dr Shinozaki was finishing up her notes, Ikuya spoke up in a quiet voice.

"I...I heard something the other day....at the swim club....and it made me freak out....." Ikuya tried to explain "That was before I almost....Killed myself.....But it's still bothering me....and I know it shouldn't but I can't help it, I..I keep letting it get to me and its stupid but i just can't stop thinking of it..." Ikuya's voice became hysterical as he spoke and he was gently reminded by Dr Shinozaki of the breathing exercises he had been taught.

"Can you tell me what this thing is? We can work on it and find out how to stop it from bothering you," Dr Shinozaki's voice was calming as Ikuya calmed his breathing

"I...I overheard some of the other members of the swim club talking about how I'm pathetic for relying on my brother...and...And they also said that Natsuya was ....That he was only acting like he cared for me....so that I wouldn't run away again......T...they said that N...Natsuya hoped I would carry on cutting myself so that I died....So that he could have some peace and quiet..........I....I just assumed it was true...and it's been bothering me but I can't bring myself to ask Natsuya whether it's true or not..." Ikuya was sobbing by the end of his explanation and Dr Shinozaki did her best to calm him down. After a few minutes, Ikuya's sobs had been reduced to silent tears and Dr Shinozaki had begun talking

"As much as I'd like to be able to tackle this problem right now, unfortunately, I think it's probably best if we do another session later with your brother when he visits. then we can hear both sides of the story and he'll understand where you were coming from. Is that okay?"

Ikuya nodded weakly as his tears continued falling. It had reached the end of the session and Ikuya was quite looking forward to being on his own for a while. Dr Shinozaki finished up the notes she was taking and stood up to leave, smiling at Ikuya for a minute before saying;

"I promise you, everything is going to work out in the end. It might seem difficult, or even impossible now but I promise it will all improve, just give it time,"

with that, she left and Ikuya let his eyes slip closed, the exhaustion catching up to him fast as he fell into a deep sleep.

He was only awoken later on by a hand gently shaking his shoulder, pulling him out of his dreamless sleep. His vision was fuzzy as he awoke but he could clearly make out the doctor who stood next to him. After rubbing his eyes gently, the doctor began speaking.

"We just need to quickly re-wrap your bandages if that's alright, so that we can check that everything is healing as it should be," Ikuya nodded absentmindedly and the doctor immediately got to work unwinding the bandages from around Ikuya's right arm.

Ikuya began to feel sick as his arms were slowly revealed from beneath the bandages. He could see the discoloured skin where the blood had stained it and hadn't been washed off completely and as the dressing was removed further, he could see the dark red lines cut deep into his skin, the harsh black stitches that contrasted greatly against the pale skin of his forearm.

At some point, it became too much and he squeezed his eyes closed as tightly as possible, tears falling despite his closed eyes. The doctor paused what he was doing to quietly ask

"Are you sure you're alright? We can re-bandage the other one later on if you want? I understand this may be a stressful experience" He offered and Ikuya shook his head quickly.

"I'll be fine. Let's just get it over with." Ikuya spoke through gritted teeth with his eyes shut tightly, not wanting to look at the aftermath, despite his brain willing him to see what damage he had caused.

The doctor quickly worked on the opposite arm, cleaning and re-wrapping both arms. Only after he had finished did Ikuya dare to glance at his arms, seeing fresh white bandages wrapped all the way from his wrist to his elbow.

A deep breath escaped his lips as he saw the crisp white bandages and the doctor looked at him in concern before saying
"If you need any assistance, just press the button next to your bed,"
Ikuya nodded and the doctor left the room, the door clicking close behind him. Left alone with his thoughts once more, Ikuya lay in silence, ears of frustration building in his eyes the longer he lay doing nothing. He should be at swim practice, he needed to practice, or at least that's what he told himself. 
I'm actually so stupid.... 

Another few hours passed of Ikuya drifting in and out of sleep before he heard a firm knock on the door. He glanced at the clock, predicting that it would be Natsuya before saying a quiet

"Come in..." 

The door swung open and Natsuya entered the room, concern written all over his face.

"Ikuya! Are you okay?" Natsuya rushed over to the side of Ikuya's bed, gently grasping his brothers hand as his eyes scanned over him.

Ikuya nodded weakly, trying to offer a smile to his brother however,  it did nothing to reassure the older male.

"Mum and dad are still at work, they couldn't leave early but I managed to skip practice, They'll be here in about an hour," Natsuya explained, giving a weak smile as he ruffled Ikuya's hair.

"It's all going to be alright...I promise you," Natsuya added gently, looking straight into Ikuya's eyes with his own tear filled eyes.

There was another knock on the door and Dr Shinozaki  poked her head through the door, smiling sympathetically when she saw Natsuya sat next to Ikuya.

"Natsuya-kun, it's nice to meet you, I'm Dr Shinozaki, I'm the psychologist who has been working with Ikuya-kun,"  She introduced herself, offering a hand towards the brunette.

Natsuya shook her hand, confusion filling his face which didn't go unnoticed by Dr Shinozaki who began explaining

"Ah, I should probably explain why 'm here shouldn't I? I believe there might have been a misunderstanding the other day that I'd like to clear up in order to help Ikuya," 

Natsuya nodded and Dr Shinozaki sat down in the other seat next to Ikuya's bed, pulling out her notes from earlier in the day as she began to explain the situation to Natsuya, ensuring that Ikuya was okay first and regularly checking to make sure he remained alright.

After Dr Shinozaki finished explaining, Natsuya's eyes were wide with disbelief and brimmed with tears as he looked between Dr Shinozaki and his brother who was now avoiding eye contact.

"Ikuya...Oh Ikuya, I promise none of that is true!" Natsuya grasped Ikuya's hand in both of his as he said this, trying to look into the younger's eyes as he spoke. "I know it must be hard for you to believe me right now but I promise you....C..can you remember who it was who said that.....if you can, I won't hesitate to report them to a teacher or is you don't want me to do that, I can just kick them off the swim team...I.." Natsuya choked up as he finished speaking, desperate to do anything to help.

"No...I..I don't know....I just....I don't know....." Ikuya mumbled, his eyes glassy with unshed tears.

"I know that this must be hard for the both of you but I strongly believe that if its possible these people should be reported, their behavior from the sounds of it was unacceptable and they shouldn't be allowed to get away with it however, Ikuya-kun, if you're strongly against it, no-one will do anything. We're not going to do anything that you don't want us to," Dr Shinozaki explained, to which both Kirishima brothers nodded.

"W..would you mind if we talk alone for a minute...?" Natsuya asked the psychologist who nodded "Only if Ikuya's okay with it though of course!" He added, looking to his brother who nodded gently in agreement.

Dr Shinozaki stood and exited the room, leaving the two brothers alone in silence until Natsuya broke it with a quiet.

"Ikuya...I promise, nothing they said was true...I'll do anything to make you believe it...I don't care what it takes, you deserve to be happy," Natsuya began choking on his own words as he finished speaking, wrapping Ikuya in a hug, being careful of the wires attatched to his arms and the bandages covering his wrists.

"I...I need time...I can't just forget overnight....but I want to try....Try and be happy..." Ikuya mumbled, his voice muffled by Natsuya's shoulder.

Natsuya smiled slightly, stroking a hand through Ikuya's hair as a form of comfort before Ikuya asked in a meek voice

"What did you tell Haru, Asahi and Makoto...?"

He almost didn't want Natsuya to answer that, dreading the answer however, Natsuya gently shushed him and replied.

"I didn't tell them anything yet, I said you weren't coming in today because I wasn't sure if you'd want them to know or not," 

The moment was interrupted by another knock on the door as his parents entered the room, seeing their two sons tangled in each others arms, both with tears in their eyes. The sight was heartbreaking but the two slowly approached, each showing a small pained smile to their youngest son as they greeted them both.

"The doctors said you seemed to be doing a bit better," their father said quietly, running his thumb over Ikuya's knuckles as he spoke.

Ikuya nodded slightly, avoiding eye contact with his parents, scared he'd see shame filling their eyes.

"Ikuya, baby, please look at us," His mother encouraged "I promise, no one's mad at you, we're all just worried, but you're going to be okay, We're all going to make sure of that," 

Ikuya felt tears falling from his eyes once more, before all three of the others in the room moved to comfort him in some way, causing Ikuya to giggle slightly.

"Thank you...for not being mad at me....I'm going to try and get better...." 

Everything seemed slightly more normal after this, with the three of them entertaining Ikuya and keeping him company until visiting hours were over and they had to leave.

Just as he was leaving the room, Natsuya was called back by Ikuya.

"Natsuya....I....I want you to tell Haru, Asahi and Makoto.....I...I need to be honest with them....They're my friends after all...."

Natsuya let a melancholy smile slip onto his face as he heard this and nodded.

"I'm proud of you," He added before being ushered out of the room by one of the doctors.

Ikuya lay in content silence, finally able to silence the thoughts that always seemed to rush around his head. And for once, it didn't take long for him to slip into sleep, thoroughly exhausted by the events of the day.

Chapter Text

Natsuya stuck to his word, bringing Haru, Asahi and Makoto to the hospital with him the next day, all three showing their concern in their own unique ways. Asahi had been nervously chattering constantly on the walk to the hospital whilst Haru had remained deathly silent, his expression so blank and emotionless that even Makoto couldn't read it and Makoto had gone quieter than usual and was looking fairly pale. Natsuya had become concerned for all three of them however, he supposed that it would be quite a shock to discover that their teammate had almost killed themselves. Natsuya himself still couldn't believe it. The utter shock and fear that overtook him when he found his younger brother bleeding out, he wasn't sure he'd ever be able to forget the terrifying sight. The image of paramedics carrying Ikuya away on a stretcher was burned onto the backs of his eyelids, he saw it whenever he closed his eyes and so had barely slept since the incident happened. Anytime he did manage to fall asleep, he was awoken later by the gruesome images of what could have happened had he not found Ikuya in time. A shiver racked through his spine at the thought, gaining the attention of the other three boys with him

"Natsuya-senpai are you alright?" Makoto's voice was quiet as he spoke but it was still filled with the same ever-present concern.

Natsuya simply nodded as he continued walking, deciding not to explain his thoughts in case it affected any of them in the same way.

They reached the hospital and were directed to Ikuya's room once more although at this point Natsuya already had the directions there memorised. as they headed up to the room, Makoto asked the question that seemed to have been bugging all three of them

"Natsuya-senpai....he...he will be okay won't he..?"

Natsuya gave what he hoped was a reassuring smile as he nodded.

"He's going to be fine, he...he just needs time..." Natsuya said before knocking on the door, receiving a quiet "Yeah" in response. 

The three younger boys each took a deep breath before following Natsuya into the room. 

Upon entering the room, they saw Ikuya sat up in the bed in the centre of the room, various wires and tubes coming out of his arms and attaching to machines next to the bed. His arms were covered from his wrist past his elbow in white bandages and a book now lay on his lap discarded.

"Hi..." Ikuya said somewhat awkwardly before practically being tackled by Asahi into a careful hug so that they didn't hurt his still broken aching ribs, soon followed by Makoto and eventually Haru after he was pulled in by the others.

The three of them released him and Asahi immediately pointed an accusatory finger at him saying

"Next time you do something that stupid, I'm gonna tickle you until you never think about doing it again!" 

As if to prove his point, Asahi poked a finger into Ikuya's lower stomach, making the smaller boy squeal and state a loose threat not to tickle him.

"Honestly though are you alright?" Makoto asked, still looking a bit pale but better now that he had seen that Ikuya was in fact alive.

"I...I've been better....honestly....but I'm alive, I guess that's something," Ikuya smiled somewhat longingly.

"It's a good job you are," Haru spoke up quietly for the first time "Asahi almost cried when you weren't there yesterday," 

Asahi sent a glare towards the raven-haired boy before shouting

"I did not!"

Throughout the exchange, Ikuya had a small smile upon his face. He made brief eye contact with Natsuya who mouthed the words

"You're doing great, I'm proud of you,"

Ikuya mouthed back the word "Thanks" as the other three boys turned their attention back to Ikuya.

"Have they said when they're going to send you home yet?" Makoto asked gently

Ikuya's smile grew and he glanced over at Natsuya once more before nodding.

"They said I can go home later tonight, I just need my parents to sign some things and talk with the doctor," 

Natsuya 's eyes started watering slightly and he furiously wiped his eyes with his sleeve, determined not to cry whilst Haru, Makoto and Asahi were there. Upon seeing this, Ikuya giggled slightly, a sound that Natsuya had heard way too little recently.

"I promise, I'm going to get better.....I promise," Ikuya gave a sad smile before he was pulled into another group hug, this time joined by Natsuya.

"Well, you're free to go, your parents have already been told but your stitches should dissolve on their own so you don't have to do anything with them and you'll be attending 3 sessions with Dr Shinozaki per week for the first few weeks however after that it may decrease depending on how you're feeling and how she feels you've progressed," The doctor explained before adding "I wish you good luck, you deserve to be happy and it saddens me to have someone so young here for this reason, but with time, you'll get better, I believe it," 

Ikuya gave a small smile as the doctor set to work removing the wires and tubes from his arms.

Once everything was disconnected, he moved to stand up, feeling a wave of dizziness wash over him immediately due to moving too fast.

Natsuya was immediately next to him, steadying him as his vision steadied itself. Once he assured Natsuya he was okay, he let go of him as the rather large group made their way towards the front entrance.

Natsuya offered to walk home with Haru, Makoto and Asahi as his parents drove Ikuya home, not wanting Ikuya to strain himself too much.

They arrived home fairly quickly, immediately getting Ikuya to sit down as his parents fussed over him, boiling the kettle to make him a cup of tea. Natsuya returned home soon after and immediately plopped himself down next to his brother, checking he was okay before pulling him into a hug.

Everything felt strange to Ikuya, it felt as if a switch had been flicked which had changed everything however, he supposed it was fairly normal considering what had happened. The strange feeling persisted right up until he began getting ready for bed, looking forward to sleeping in his own bed in his own room for the first time in a couple of days. He felt exhausted however, as he lay in his bed, he couldn't seem to get to sleep, instead lying awake staring at the ceiling. There was an empty feeling in his chest which he couldn't seem to understand and it had begun taking over all his thoughts until he heard a knock on his bedroom door.

He shuffled over to the door, still wrapped in a blanket and opened the door, seeing his brother stood outside his room. Natsuya said nothing, instead just wrapped him into another hug, breathing out shakily before saying.

"I thought you weren't actually here...." 

He gave no further explanation however, he did lift his head up to ask

"Can I stay with you tonight?" to which Ikuya nodded enthusiastically. Maybe Natsuya being with him would help the empty hole he felt.

The two of them entered the room properly, Natsuya closing the door gently behind them as they settled themselves in bed, wrapping the covers around themselves as they snuggled together for comfort.

Natsuya lay next to his brother, trying to keep his emotions in check. He was so sure that he was going to wake up and Ikuya wouldn't be here, wouldn't be alive, that dream had felt so real and Natsuya had been terrified to even knock on Ikuya's door, unsure what he would do if no one answered.
The rush of relief that had washed over him when he had seen Ikuya open the door was huge. The younger looked adorable wrapped in a large blanket and Natsuya felt his heart rate soar as he realised, Ikuya was alive. He was alive and he was home and he was going to be okay. He was going to be okay. He is going to be okay.
Natsuya repeated this to himself as he closed his eyes, praying that it was true, praying that nothing bad would ever happen to Ikuya.

Ikuya opened his eyes slightly, seeing Natsuya laying awake and gently placing a hand on his face.
"Natsuya, what's wrong?" He asked gently, shocking the Brunette who quickly shook his head before answering in a quiet voice.
"It's nothing, I'm fine, you should go to sleep,"
Ikuya sat up slightly with a bit of difficulty, looking directly at Natsuya as he spoke.
"I was told I need to be honest about what's bothering me...I think you do to....if you don't...I don't want to think about what it could lead to...please tell me...I don't tell anyone else if you don't want me to...."
Natsuya gave a sad smile at the care his brother was showing
"It's nothing, just a bad dream, I guess it's still affecting me a little,"
Upon seeing Ikuya's small glare sent his way, Natsuya continued
"I...had a bad dream..where I...didn't find you in time....and you..." The brunette took a deep breath, finding himself unable to continue however, Ikuya seemed to understand
"It's okay, I'm here, none of that is real. I promise. And it's never going to have the chance to become real, I won't leave you Natsuya," Ikuya smiled sadly. He disliked seeing his brother upset however, this was all he could do to help at the moment. If it was possible, he'd climb into Natsuya's head and beat and negative thoughts out of his head but unfortunately, he couldn't. No one could remove the negative thoughts, instead, they'd just have to keep reassuring him that they're not real.
"Try and get some sleep, I can tell you what not slept properly for the past few days," Ikuya said gently, stroking through his brother's hair like Natsuya usually did to him.
"Thank you Ikuya, you're the best brother I could ever have," Natsuya mumbled
"Not true," Ikuya objected "You could have yourself as a brother,"
Natsuya's eyes stared into Ikuya's before he laughed out a quiet
"Shush, and you go to sleep too, you must be exhausted,"
Ikuya giggled slightly as the two of them finally settled down enough to sleep, lulled into unconscious by each other's rhythmic breathing

Maybe things were going to be alright

Chapter Text

The brown-eyed boy crouched down on the starting block, determination filling his eyes behind blue tinted goggles. The cheers from the crown had become a distant blur, fading into the background. A glance to his left showed the red-haired boy in the same position, fiery red eyes tinted orange glancing sideways at him.

His eyes focused back on the water in front of him, on the body cutting through the water, approaching him at a rapid speed. A small bubble of nervousness attempted to surface but was quickly squished back down as the hand slapped the wall beneath him. 
He was off. 
The ripples in the water from the lane to his left felt electrifying. The intense feeling of rivalry and excitement bubbling between the two athletes as their arms cut through the water, legs kicking hard to propel themselves forward. 
Surfacing for breath brought the familiar rush of excitement and anxiety as oxygen flooded his body and the cheers from the crowd became audible once more. He could feel the power from each stroke of the man next to him, could feel the exhilarating rush as he reached his hand out, ready to hit the wall. He saw the next swimmer dive over him, olive green eyes staring down at him before hands sliced down through the water and legs began pushing forwards. 
He went to climb out of the pool however was interrupted when a hand entered his line of sight. Glancing up and following the arm showed a familiar grin, familiar sharp eyes and familiar wild red hair. He grasped the hand offered and was pulled up out of the water, his feet hitting the tiles with a wet slap as he moved away from the edge of the water. 
With an accelerated heart rate, he grinned wildly at the boy in front of him, before being pulled into a tight hug filled with whispers of praise in his ear. His face flushed red at the positive comments, laughing awkwardly before speaking for the first time 
“Asahi! Stop! You’re being embarrassing!” 
Said boy pulled away slightly and looked into his eyes before replying 
“Nah, you love it really,” 

The race ended and two more people joined them, Hiyori and Haru. 

They were ushered on away from the pool and ran into more familiar faces on their way to the changing rooms. 

“Ikuya! Guys that was amazing!” Makoto called, jogging over to him closely followed by Kisumi. 

“Makoto, it’s good to see you...I missed you all,” Ikuya replied, immediately being pulled into a hug by Makoto. 

“You need to tell us all about what happened after you moved, was everything alright?” Asahi asked, receiving a nod in reply 
“It uh...started out a bit rocky but it worked out in the end...I’ll explain more later....” 

The four swimmers headed to go and get changed, friendly chatter filling the atmosphere. 


After standing under the warm spray of the shower for a couple of minutes, Ikuya went to grab his towel, drying off his skin and going to grab his clothes, getting changed before rubbing his hair with his towel to dry it off. He was joined by Hiyori not long after who was also dressed and almost dried off. They waited for Haru and Asahi before heading out of the changing rooms, walking towards the stairs to go and watch the other races. 

As he was walking, Ikuya spotted a familiar face approaching, a grin spreading across his face as he called out 
“Ikuya!” before jogging towards them and pulling him into a tight hug, squeezing the air out of him. 
“Nat...suya...can’t...breathe...” Ikuya choked out dramatically 
“You did so well, I’m so proud,” Natsuya held Ikuya by his shoulders as he looked straight at him. 

I’m proud of you 

Ikuya could still hear Natsuya’s voice from that day echoing through his brain. On some of his darkest days it gets him through and on some of the easiest days, it helps to hype him up even more. 
He glanced down at his arms, now covered by his team jacket, however, what lay beneath was two long scars, harshly contrasting with the normally pale skin. He had received multiple comments on it due to his sport exposing his forearms and had had many awkward conversations about it and had also had a few snide remarks about it, however, he pushed past it and dealt with it. 
Natsuya noticed when his brother's gaze was directed as tutted quietly. 
“Now now, no negative thoughts after you just swam that amazingly,” He chastised, earning a small smile from Ikuya. 
“I'm not, just thinking,” Ikuya replied before turning towards the others and continuing “Let's go and find Makoto and Kisumi and I’ll explain,” 


After finding the others, they all headed towards Asahi’s sister's cafe, ordering drinks and finding a table for them to all squish around. 
The table was full of curious looks directed to Ikuya who laughed somewhat awkwardly before he began talking. 
“Well uh, I guess after I was released from the hospital, things got a bit rocky....”

For the first few weeks, after he was released from the hospital, Ikuya felt suffocated. He couldn’t go anywhere without his parents, his brother or his friends wanting to go with him which was understandable, after all that had happened, he understood why they were being protective of him however after 3 weeks of the same behaviour, he began to get agitated. He unintentionally started snapping at people when they were only asking if he was alright, he began sleeping longer but still felt tired, he couldn’t pay attention in his lessons and it all eventually made him snap. 
It was one afternoon walking home from school with his brother when he was asked whether he was okay, he didn’t mean to but he couldn’t help but reply in an annoyed frustrated voice 
“I said I'm fine, just leave me alone, I swear everyone’s treating me as if I’m made of glass, I can’t stand it anymore!” 
He had expected Natsuya to be mad, to claim he was only trying to help, heck he half expected to go back to being ignored, however, Natsuya had simply nodded in understanding before speaking 
“You’re right, we’ve all been acting strange recently, we just don’t know what to do, we don’t know whether something we say could have a negative effect, we don’t know if you’re alright or not so we have to ask, we don’t know how to deal with what happened...I admit we’ve all been a bit funny but we need you to communicate with us, we need to know what could be taken in a negative way, we need to know how you’re feeling, we need to know this stuff so that we can help you,” Natsuya paused for a second and it was only then that Ikuya noticed that they had stopped walking. 
“We just want to help you Ikuya...we’ve not gone about it in the right way but I hope you’ll forgive us and help us to figure out how we can help, I couldn’t live with myself if something happened to you again, I thought just watching over you would be enough but I now realise that what I say can sometimes be the problem and I want you to tell me if that’s the case, call me out on it if I say something wrong, that’s all I ask,” Natsuya continued and Ikuya looked away 
“I’m sorry....I...didn’t think of it that way...I just... nevermind....” Ikuya began but trailed off, being encouraged by his older brother to carry on 
“I guess I need to try and talk to everyone more...but...” 

“But...?” Natsuya urged 

“But what if other people don’t see it that way....what if mum and dad never trust me to go out on my own again....what if my friends are always worried I’m never gonna come back if I leave...I don’t want people to think that every time they see me it’s going to be the last one,” Ikuya continued, beginning to choke up towards the end. He looked away from his brother, staring at the ground before him before Natsuya gently coaxed him to look at him. 
“I trust you, I know others may not see it in the same way but if it’s space that you need, I’m willing to give you it,” Natsuya smiled before continuing “Now come on, I’ll help you to explain to mum and dad,” 


Everything seemed to shift after this, although his parents were still overly protective, his brother and friends understood and were willing to give him space. 

The end of the school year brought many changes, Asahi had to move away because of his father’s job, Haru quit the swim club for a reason he wouldn’t tell and Makoto, he did what he thought was best and followed Haru in quitting the club. Once again Ikuya was alone. However it was different this time, he still had Natsuya. 
His world had shattered around him upon hearing the news that his brother was moving to America to train and he tried desperately to not let his mind wander back to that dark place, however, it was hard. It was hard to not retreat back into himself, hiding away behind the wall he had only just begun to knock down. 
Of course, Natsuya noticed this and asked what was wrong, receiving dismissive lies in response. After another week or so, Natsuya managed to get through to him, managing to dig deep enough and discover that Ikuya was scared. Scared of being left by his brother, scared of losing the one person who seemed to understand completely even he himself didn’t seem to understand. 

And so it was decided. Ikuya would move to America with his brother at the end of the school year. 



By the time they moved to America, Ikuya’s ribs had healed completely and his arms were covered by deep scars, however, he was alive. 
He continued seeing a counsellor throughout his time in America, running into new issues along the way. 

He had almost fainted one day, sinking slowly to the bottom of the pool and Natsuya had seen images of the past flashing through his mind as he saw Ikuya, laying in a hospital bed looking awfully pale. 
Natsuya’s nightmares returned briefly anytime this happened, a spike of fear hitting him full force whenever he saw Ikuya pause in the middle of the pool to catch his breath. 

A few years passed before Ikuya moved back to Japan, still not ready to face his past. And so, he avoided all his past friends. All his past connections. It was all going well until university. 

He should have expected that Haru and Asahi were still swimming, he should have expected to run into them but he didn’t. 

It was only recently that he gained the confidence to face them, to face his past and accepted what had happened. 


“....and now I'm here...” Ikuya finished, briefly glancing around the table at 8 faces around the table, all staring at him, attention focused solely on him. An awkward laugh escaped his mouth as he noticed their stares before an arm wrapped itself around his shoulder. 
It was Natsuya, pulling him into a hug from where he sat next to him which soon turned into an awkward group high across the table. 
Ikuya felt tears building in his eyes however for the first time, they weren’t tears of sadness or anxiousness or frustration, they were tears of happiness. 
He was finally happy.