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Patrick's 15, he's fat, he's ugly and his life is going nowhere. He believes this with every fiber of his being, with every breath he takes and everything he says. He thinks he is going to kill himself. Not now, maybe not next year, but definitely before 18 and if not then, at least by 21. By 21 he will be 6 feet under or ashes, he doesn't care, he doesn't think about it other than how it is an inalienable truth of his begrudging life.
When Patrick's 16 he almost forgets that he is going to die. He almost does, and the almost is an important part. He's got friends and he's been in bands and he's alright at school, but he's never had a proper girlfriend and his band mates hate him. His future is still bleak and he occasionally thinks about how he's going to kill himself.
When Patrick's 17 his life is at a new low, he is no longer doing well at school (not that he was ever particularly fantastic). He's been kicked out of more bands than he thought existed in the greater Glenview area, and the last girl he successfully talked to was his sister. His life is going nowhere fast, he considers moving up the due date.
He's in his room when the doorbell rings and he reluctantly goes to answer it. He's wearing a sweater vest and knee socks, he doesn't feel the need to try anymore with his appearance. It's Joe, he barely knows the guy and somehow he's at his house, with a friend.
"Hey, this is Pete, the guy from Arma that i was telling you about."
Patrick vaguely remembers the conversation, he vaguely registers Pete Wentz entering his house or singing along when he plays them guitar. He does see their eyes light up and their jaws drop. He can tell this is going somewhere.
Patrick's 18 and he's in a band that doesn't hate him. He's writing songs and talking to girls. He's still fat, he's still ugly, but people talk to him because he knows Pete wentz. It's slightly worthwhile for his time.
Patrick's 19 and they have a real album out and are on a real tour. above all else he has a girlfriend, a real one. She says she loves him. He thinks about music and roads passing beneath wheels and late night phone calls home.
Patrick's 20 and he's living with Pete. They're sharing an apartment and recording another album. Patrick's life is at an all time high. He doesn't notice Pete being awake every hour of the night. He doesn't see Pete's lack of smile over his own. He doesn't notice much about Pete other than the lyrics he's shelling out are gold. He notices the bottles, pills and beers, prescriptions and whiskey, laying around. He doesn't ask if Pete's okay because no one ever bothered to ask him and he turned out alright.
Pete overdoses over Christmas. Patrick's at home with his family and his girlfriend, bragging about the new album. Pete's drifting alone and faded. Pete is 26.
Patrick didn't know. He couldn't bring himself to feel anything but guilt. He could have stopped it, he could have helped. Pete goes to therapy and they never talk about it.
Patrick's 21 and he knows Pete's still fucked up. The bands new album is an astonishing success filled with painful verses chopped up and spit back out in a monstrous way. He can't bring himself to listen to it. He only watches the road go by and Pete zip his hoodies up on 100 degree days.
Patrick reconsiders his plans. This album is the best they could or will ever make. His girlfriend left him for someone else. His best friend doesn't even want to be alive around him. There's no point anymore.
He's alone again, all alone, no purpose no friends, not a damn thing.
"Are you alright?"
Pete sits next to him, quietly. It's loud and it hurts and Patrick starts crying without means to stop himself, and Pete lets him.
"I could have saved you, I could have said something and I never did."
It's quiet, it's between gasps and chest clenches and Pete just let's him say it.
"You did save me Patrick." Patrick couldn't believe him, not now, not when everything was boiling down to being Patrick's fault.
"When I was 15 I decided to kill myself when I was 21" Pete has the decency to look shocked.
"Why?"
"No one liked me, I had nothing to hold onto...."
"No one cared?"
Patrick nods and Pete does too.
"Yeah I kind of know how that feels....like you're the only person still fighting for yourself but it's just because you're there and you don't know how to disappear." and Patrick nods again, like he gets what Pete's saying.
"I've been selfish." Patrick counters.
"You've been young."
"I know....Pete I-...I'm sorry."
"It's okay..."
"No it's not be-"
"Patrick...you just being here, just being alive...you save me on a daily basis like..whether it's just you telling a joke or you talking me out of something stupid or just being yourself..."
Patrick wasn't expecting this, doesn't know how to respond, he is beyond able to grasp this confession. They sit there in silence waiting for Patrick to find his thoughts and arrange them into an audible sentence.
It's weird and it's not a great feeling, but it's something other than the loneliness and guilt Patrick's been building up. It reminds him that this band is something amazing and that their friendship is worthwhile. It reminds him that this is why he's still living, so he smiles too.
Patrick's 28 and he's married, he's happy with himself and his band is about to play their first show in years before putting out a new album. There were harder times, darker times since he was 21, but they pushed through them with a force that could only be made when they worked together, him and Pete.
Patrick watches Pete tune up in the corner. He's nervous, but he's smiling and hopping around like crazy. Patrick sees him catch his foot on a wire and he's catching Pete's fall before he so much as realizes he could have tripped and died or something equally terrible.
They're laughing about it, Patrick still holding onto Pete's shoulders and he manages a breathy. "Saved your life."
Pete's smile changes and the lights and crew signal that it's time to take the stage. Pete replies to him in a voice barely audible as they're waiting for the final cue, for the the lights go out, just before they rush the stage, "Saved you first."