Work Text:
July 16, 2022 - Schedule Release Day
HORSE WRANGLERS (CENTAURS CAPTAINS)
Bood:
Have you looked through our schedule yet?
Rozanov:
Shane is dissecting it now
I know better than to interrupt calendar time
Or I won’t get my reward
Bood:
Not touching that
Look at our first road day off
Rozanov:
Are we going to be stuck in Winnipeg for three days again?
I will sue
Hollander:
Oh God
No
Absolutely not
Rozanov:
What???
Bood:
We play the Golden Knights on 10/30 and don’t fly out until early afternoon on 11/1
We have a day and a half off in Las Vegas
On Halloween
Y’all are sorting out the bail funds right? With all that endorsement money
Hollander:
Maybe it won’t be that bad?
Our guys party a lot less than the rest of the league
Rozanov:
You have met Bergy and Young, yes?
Bood:
Don’t forget Pointy
And Dillon
And Stubbsy
Honestly Haasy could be a wild card too
He can be a menace when he wants to be
Rozanov:
Do not worry Shane
Will be good practice for having kids, yes?
Drunk hockey players are just large toddlers
Hollander:
Fuck
It’s going to be a nightmare
Bood:
Lmao yep we’re so cooked 😂
_____
October 31, 2022 - 11:36 AM
CENTAURS GROUP CHAT
Harris:
Happy Halloween everyone! 🎃
I hate to be the fun police, but please remember tonight (and all other nights) you are public figures representing your team
Have fun, drink responsibly, but DO NOT post anything on social media that you wouldn’t want to say in front of a group of grandmothers 🙏
If you have any questions or need help temporarily singing out of any accounts, please reach out to me
And if something does happen, I’ll be on call tonight ready to help you through it
Barrett:
Aka don’t create extra work for my boyfriend or I will make sure you can never post again
Dykstra:
Jesus Barrett
Barrett:
Too much?
Harris:
Just a bit bud
Rozanov:
Please listen to Harris
Club reservation at Synth starts at 9 PM
Bood, Shane, and I will be organizing private cars back to the hotel throughout the night
If you leave club for other parties, do not embarrass me
I will be very unhappy man if I have to hunt you down all over the strip
Hollander:
Don’t forget to grab some electrolyte mix from the trainers if you plan on drinking tonight!
Start hydrating now if you haven’t already
Bood:
And if I see any of you fuckers without a costume on you’ll be taking a greyhound bus to Arizona tomorrow
_____
8:48 PM
[Image - Ilya dressed as Edward and Shane as Jacob from Twilight. Ilya has the peacoat with no shirt underneath and his whole chest covered in glitter. Shane is wearing a cutoff grey tank top with a pair of jeans.]
@IlyaRozanov - Perks of being a better hockey player than your husband: getting to pick the Halloween costume #TeamEdwardAndJacobShouldKissInstead
Comments:
@ShaneHollander - Who’s winning the points per game race again? You’re only up for now because I was out for a few games 🙄
@IlyaRozanov - you should have thought about your weak ankle before you made the bet
@RoseLandry - Shouldn’t Shane be shirtless for canon compliance? Give the people what they want!
@IlyaRozanov - he will be by the end of the night 😈
@ShaneHollander - not if you keep commenting
@IlyaRoznaov - 🤐
@ZaneBoodram - 🦮
@JackiePike - 10/10 no notes 🔥
@CliffMarleau - bro what is that hashtag 😂😂😂
@KyleSwift - I would actually watch this version of Twilight 😘
_____
9:52 PM
@HockeyUpdates - Ambulance called to Las Vegas nightclub where Ottawa Centaurs are celebrating. Winger Tanner Dillon took a stumble in VIP and required medical attention. No updates on the extent of his injury yet.
[Video - Tanner Dillon, yelling across the VIP section as he walked backwards. He did not realize he was at the small set of stairs of the section and stumbled backwards. He flipped over the railing and crashed loudly onto the table below, his head hitting a beer bottle at the perfectly wrong angle. Blood poured out of his head as he tried to sit up.]
@CentaursKatie - Poor Dillon, hope he’s okay!!! wtf is he dressed as tho???
@HollanovHoe - I think he’s The Dude from The Big Lebowski. Idk what else could explain the jelly shoes
_____
10:14 PM
HORSE WRANGLERS (CENTAURS CAPTAINS)
Bood:
Dilly and I are in the ambulance now
He keeps bleeding through bandages but it’s mostly under control otherwise
The man is definitely concussed though
He’s trying to explain his costume to the EMT but he keeps confusing himself
He’s described a mix of plots of The Matrix, Reservoir Dogs, and The Godfather instead of the Big Lebowski
Hollander:
Thanks for the update
Let us know if you need anything
Rozanov:
Yes thank you Bood
I called Wiebe. He is on the way to the hospital with Dr. Terry
When he is healthy again we must burn those fuckass shoes
They are so stupid they caused catastrophic injury
Cannot believe someone wanted to go home with him dressed like this
Bood:
Thanks Roz
Apparently she’s a Letterboxd influencer
He’s cried about her twice already. Doesn’t think he’ll ever meet someone that hot again
Hollander:
What does that even mean?
Bood:
No fucking clue 🤷🏽♂️
_____
11:41 PM
Harris Drover -> Ilya Rozanov
Harris:
Can you confiscate Bergy’s phone? And maybe the alcohol?
[Image - Screenshot of Bergy’s Instagram story. He’s chugging straight from a handle of tequila. I Hate U by Sza is playing over it]
Rozanov:
On it 🫡
_____
11:51 PM
Ilya Rozanov -> Mason Holmberg
Rozanov:
Bergy where did you go?
Holmberg:
Rozzzzzzozzoozzzz
Ur suchaaaa good daddy
U should have lots of babieeeees with hollllzzy
Think of the hockey 🥺😭🥺🥺🥺
Im never gonna be as good of a dad as uuuuuu 😭😭
Rozanov:
Are you outside?
I need a location
Holmberg:
I don’t even know how to do any dad things
I’m scared of lawn mowers
I don’t understand any of the settings on the laundry machine
I flooded our apartment when I tried to change them
Bood made me help with the grill once and I wanted to cry
Pointy makes all my dentist appointments for me
_____
11:55 PM
Ilya Rozanov -> Luke Stubbs
Rozanov:
Please tell me you have eyes on Bergy
Stubbs:
CAPPY CAPPPPPPPP CAPPPPPPERRRRSSS
We are at the strip club next door
SHHHH it’s a secret tho
🤫🤫🤫🤫🤫🤫🤫🤫🤫
Rozzy nbd but I fell in love 🥵🍑🥰💍
Rozanov:
Do. Not. Move.
______
12:09 AM
lya Rozanov -> Evan Dykstra & Nick Chouinard
Rozanov:
Are you guys still awake?
Dykstra:
Yeah Chou’s on the phone with Selena
Need us to come help with the children?
Rozanov:
Can I drop Bergy off at your room?
He is very drunk
And needs advice from fathers
Which I cannot give because Shane will not let me get him pregnant :(((
Dykstra:
LMAO I’m telling him you said that
But sure
We’ll try to help if we can I guess
Rozanov:
We will be there in 15
Have to return Stubbsy to Synth first
He tried to propose to the dancers
Chouinard:
Rookie mistake 😂
_____
12:12 AM
GREATEST BEARS OF ALL TIME
Rozanov:
The child spent 14k and proposed to two different dancers after only 45 minutes in strip club
I am raising a baby Connors 🙃
[Image - Stubbs looking very drunk, throwing up a peace sign standing in a parking lot]
Marleau:
If he breaks Connie’s record of 25k in 25 minutes he legally has to be traded to us 😅
Connors:
You promised we’d never talk about that again!
St. Simon:
Shouldn’t have done lines of coke off of a stripper’s tits in front of your boys if you wanted discretion 🤷♂️
Talk about a Miami cliche
Carmichael:
Remember that “yacht” he rented later that night? 😂😂😂
Marly:
It was slower and uglier than my grandpa’s pontoon boat 💀
I thought we were gonna have to get rescued by the coast guard
Hammersmith:
I could’ve swam back to shore faster
And the girls never even showed up to party with us
Just us sad fucks drinking brews on the ocean
St. Simon:
Ah I had forgotten why we never let him plan anything anymore
Connors:
🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕
Fuck all of you
At least I swung big
Carmichael:
Best decision you ever made was stopping the blow
Rozanov:
Yes remember the terrible shirts. Like if magic eye paintings met fraternity chic
How you met your wife during this time I have no idea 🤔
Connors:
She saw a diamond in the rough 🥰
Marleau:
Bring your rook out the next time you’re in Boston! We can see if he’s dumber than ours
_____
12:28 AM
@HockeyUpdates - WNBA team Las Vegas Aces are partying at the same club as the Ottawa Centaurs. Players Joey Young and Naomi Washington were seen leaving together hand in hand.
[Images of the couple giggling, holding each other, and kissing as they got into an Uber]
______
12:43 AM
HORSE WRANGLERS (CENTAURS CAPTAINS)
Hollander:
Young left with one of the WNBA players and called Stubbsy from a wedding chapel
Stubbsy tried to sneak out to be their witness
I’m heading there now to make sure he doesn’t actually get married
Wyatt is holding down the fort at the club
Bood:
Fucking hell
Rozanov:
Let me know if you need backup
I dropped Bergy off with Dykstra and Chou
I am outside club, Pointy found litter of kittens abandoned and wants to take them home
Going to handle that now
Bood:
Jesus Christ
So much for thinking I was having the worst night sitting in the ER
I’ve never seen so many black out drunk people in such a small space btw
Wait what happened to Bergy?
Rozanov:
He found out he might have gotten his ex-situationship pregnant
Bood:
Ooooooof
Rozanov:
How is Dillon?
Bood:
Had to get fifteen stitches
Has a moderate concussion and lots of bruising but no broken bones
We’re waiting for a CT scan to make sure there’s no internal bleeding
Hollander:
Could have been worse
Hope they get him in soon
Bood:
Thanks, sounds like it’ll be a few more hours at least
Hollander:
Ah sorry man
_____
1:01 AM
[Image of Pointy holding four orange kittens in his arms chaotically, overwhelmed with cuteness]
@IlyaRozanov - Anyone in Las Vegas area that works at cat rescue please help us find place to take these babies. Otherwise @JordanLaPointe will smuggle them into Canada and the paperwork that will cause will kill me
_________________________________________
1:25 AM
[Image - Ilya hugging the kittens goodbye]
@IlyaRozanov - Thank you so much @LasVegasCattyShack for taking in these babies. Jordan, Ilya, Shane, and Wyatt will be available for adoption soon. Reach out to them for more information. ❤️
_____
1:29 AM
HORSE WRANGLERS (CENTAURS CAPTAINS)
Hollander:
Young lost his ID god knows where, so they can’t legally get married
But they already paid so they’re just going to do a ceremony for fun without any paperwork
I’m helping him pick a suit but the options are tragic
What do we think? 1, 2, or 3
[3 images]
Rozanov:
They are all very stupid
Bood:
💯
2 is maybe the least terrible
*Hollander liked this message*
_____
2:13 AM
Joey Young -> Zane Boodram
Young:
WIFED UP BABYYYYYY
[Image]
Bood:
Congrats bud! You didn’t waste any time
Young:
She is too perfect and gorgeous and funny and smart and perfect to wait
Can you ask Cassie to add her to the wag chat pls
[Shared Contact]
Bood:
I’ll text her first thing tomorrow morning
Young:
🙌🙌🙌
_____
2:21 AM
Troy Barrett -> Ilya Rozanov
Barrett:
Please don’t be mad
But I might have lost Haasy
Rozanov:
What do you mean you lost Luca???
That kid is so blonde he glows in the dark like flashlight
Barrett:
I went to the bathroom and then he was just like gone
I can’t find him, this place is too packed
Rozanov:
Where are you?
Barrett:
Piranha
Rozanov:
We will be there in 20
_________________________________________
2:21 AM
HORSE WRANGLERS (CENTAURS CAPTAINS)
Rozanov:
The Pointy situation is handled
Wyatt and I just got back to the hotel with most of the guys
Had to put Stubbsy on makeshift leash since he kept trying to run away
And Mickelson got sexiled by Boyle but we figured it out
Barrett and Haasy are the only two still out
They’re at a gay bar apparently
Bood:
Basically everyone in bed before 3. Not too bad
Hollander:
Thank God
We’re leaving Taco Bell, should be back in like five minutes
Bood:
Omg Hollzy did you indulge in t bell? 🤯
Hollander:
Lmao definitely not
@Rozanov don’t worry I got your usual
Rozanov:
Ahhh thank you my beautiful perfect husband!
I will reward you later 😘
Bood:
You know the rules!
Take that to your private chat please
Hollander:
Any updates from the hospital?
Bood:
Dillon is finally next in line for the CT
They said it should be within the next hour
Rozanov:
Barrett just texted. He lost Luca
Bood:
😂😂😂
What did I say?
That kid is trouble
Too slippery for his own good
__________________________________________
2:37 AM
GAY + BI CENS
Harris:
TROY NATHANIEL BARRETT
WHY ARE THERE VIDEOS OF YOU IN A GO-GO CAGE ALL OVER BEYONCE’S INTERNET
[Link]
Hollander:
Barrett what the fuck???
You’re supposed to be looking for Luca
(Please @Haas call us when you see this)
Barrett:
I’m so sorry baby please forgive me 🙏🙏🙏🙏
I was trying to find him!!!
I’m alone and maybe a little too tipsy and I panicked
I bribed a dancer to let me up there so I could get a better vantage point
But I didn’t see him anywhere :(
Harris I love you so so so much please let me make it up to you
I’m so fucking sorry for giving you more work 😭
Harris:
Aw baby don’t worry, we’ll talk about it later
Love you too ❤️
Did anyone think to check Luca’s socials?
He just posted an Instagram story tagged at Hamburger Mary’s about five minutes ago
Barrett:
THANK YOU BABE!!!!!
You are so smart and talented I love you so much
@Roz @Hollzy Looks like that place is only a few blocks from me. I’ll meet you there
Rozanov:
Please FaceTime with Harris for the walk so I don’t have to worry about you dying in the street
Barrett:
You got it Cap
Rozanov:
Also where did you get the harness?
And do they have one in Shane’s size?
Hollander:
🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕
Barrett:
It was part of the agreement to get on stage
I can give it to you Hollzy 🤷♂️
Hollander:
There is literally nothing I want less
Harris:
Sorry bud I’m vetoing that. I’m gonna need you to bring it home with you 😈
Barrett:
🫡🥵
_____
3:18 AM
GAY + BI CENS
Harris:
Any Luca sightings yet?
Rozanov:
My son decided tonight would be perfect time for debut Rocky performance
[Image - Picture of Luca and an insanely hot drag queen posing with their arms around each other. Luca is dressed as Rocky with the tiny gold shorts and wearing a bold, wildly neon patterned facekini with a blonde tuft of hair on top. The drag queen is dressed as Frank-N-Furter.]
Harris:
Omg
You killed me
You hockey boys finally ended me
I’m actually speechless
Hollander:
I have never seen Rocky Horror Picture Show, but I liked the song they lip synced to
Something about time bending?
Haas:
The guy that was supposed to play Rocky got too high and they needed a replacement
I agreed as long as no one could see my face or know who I was
I figured hockey twitter would not be very kind about this 😔
Harris:
Taking my communications director hat off for a second, I am so proud of you Luca for pushing yourself out of your comfort zone. I’m sure you shined up on that stage 🤩🥰
But we need a new team rule. No more spontaneous performances in gay clubs, straight clubs, strip clubs, burlesque shows, community theatre, literally anything. I need prior warning so we can plan the response, okay? I would love to support you all with whatever you want to do, my blood pressure just can’t handle the surprises 😅
Barrett:
Of course. Sorry baby
Haas:
Sorry Harris!
Hollander:
Sounds great to me! You don’t have to worry about surprise performances here
Rozanov:
Thank you for all the work tonight Harris. I will tell team new rule tomorrow. Get some sleep
Harris:
Are you all finally back at the hotel?
Barrett:
On our way now, except for Haasy. He went home with Dinah Mite
Harris:
Have fun Luca! Use protection!
_____
4:23 AM
HORSE WRANGLERS (CENTAURS CAPTAINS)
Bood:
Dillon just finally got released
No internal bleeding thank christ
I’m on concussion watch tonight, I’ll hand him off to you two at breakfast tomorrow
_____
7:05 AM
HOLLANDER FAMILY GROUP CHAT
Yuna:
Good morning boys!
If you haven’t seen it yet, a video of you two at the club last night has gone viral
But don’t worry, Farrah is on it
[Link - Video of Shane and Ilya dancing at Hamburger Mary’s. Ilya is holding onto Shane’s ass for dear life, and Shane is kissing Ilya’s neck. Shane’s shirt is covered in body glitter from where their chests were pressed together.]
Shane:
After everything that happened last night, THAT goes viral??? 🙄
Ilya:
Sorry мой любимый. I did not realize us as Jacob and Edward would be too powerful for the internet 😔
With great sexiness comes great responsibility
David:
I’m just glad you boys are being young and having fun!
At least my granddaughter is unproblematic
[Image - Anya curled up in David’s lap]
_____
7:15 AM
HORSE WRANGLERS (CENTAURS CAPTAINS)
Hollander:
Thanks for staying with Dillon all night Bood. We can take over anytime so you can get a little sleep
Bood:
I’ll take you up on that. Room 319
If we ever get a night off in Vegas again I’m quitting hockey
Rozanov:
I’ll be right there with you
I’m getting too old for these индейки
Bood:
For real. At least with fatherhood they’re your turkeys 😂
Hollander:
I can’t wait to find out someday soon 😅
*Rozanov loved this message*