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“Grace, question?”
Ryland looks up from his book to find Rocky approaching him along the beach. “Yeah, Rock?”
“Want to watch human entertainment. You join, statement.” The Eridians have done an excellent job of keeping the Hail Mary charged so Ryland can use the big TV and any other necessary function. They've even managed to build a tunnel that connects the ship to Ryland’s dome so he can go back and forth without needing help with a suit, which is much appreciated. That being said, Rocky and Adrian are the ones who use the TV the most. He says they've been “studying Earth culture,” but really they've been watching all of Meryl Streep’s filmography available since the time of launch. Rocky has been particularly impressed with Don't Look Up and The Devil Wears Prada, visiting Ryland with a whole dissertation worth of questions and speculations. Adrian seems to prefer sci-fi and fantasy movies as a whole, but opts to use a laptop to do her own research and only approaches Ryland if she really gets stumped.
“Want to practice using Earth thinking machine,” she often says. “So can converse with Grace about human culture without help.”
Yeah, Adrian is awesome and her ambition is unmatched.
Usually, Rocky asks if Ryland wants to join them on their little movie dates, but he usually declines so they can enjoy some time alone together. This is the first time he's demanded his attendance.
“Sure, bud. What do you want to watch? A movie or a TV show?”
“Short entertainment.” A TV show. Eridians don't have words for a lot of Earth things, so he plugs in words that are roughly equivalent based on Ryland's descriptions of them. They're pretty fluent with each other's word substitutions by now. “Rocky want to see reality entertainment. Called: Keeping Up With The- plus word Rocky no understand. Is human name, perhaps. This like documentation entertainment, but for humans, question?”
Oh boy. Ryland always knew the day would come when he would have to explain reality TV to Rocky, he just didn't think it'd be so soon. How the hell is he supposed to explain the Kardashians to an Eridian?
“Umm. It's not exactly like a documentary, no. It's like… a fake documentary.” By now, Rocky has seen almost every critically acclaimed documentary about space and technology, with a few about the animal kingdom thrown in, so he has a good grasp on what documentaries are supposed to be, which only makes this conversation harder.
“Humans share false knowledge about other humans, question?”
Ryland doesn't hesitate. “All the time, actually.”
“Why, question?”
How is he supposed to explain social media, the Hollywood industry, and popcorn entertainment to someone who comes from a culture where spreading rumors doesn't really exist?
“Uhhh, humans are weird. They find the truth boring sometimes, so they like to believe in fiction instead. This is especially true if the fiction is presented as a fact.”
“How is truth boring, question?”
“Humans get bored easily. Sadly, not everyone thinks science is interesting.”
“Is weird.”
“Very.”
Still, Rocky wants to watch Keeping Up With the Kardashians, which is something Ryland never thought he’d watch on an alien planet. Hell, he never even watched it on Earth.
“Is show time,” Rocky says, taking his seat between Ryland and Adrian. “Fake human documentation entertainment time.”
Rocky pauses the show roughly every forty seconds to ask questions about what Kim and co. are doing. So far, Ryland has had to explain makeup, cell phones, and Olympic sports, all of which were easily digestible concepts for Eridians.
Everything got worse from there.
“Grace friend, what is ‘sex tape,’ question?” Adrian asks.
Rocky taps his feet, an indicator that he wants to take a guess before getting the actual answer. He likes seeing how close his understanding is based on context clues, but unfortunately he's not even remotely prepared for what comes next. “Hmm, must be tape humans use to stick things together, but designed for different human sexes. Males and females use different types of tape, question? Different chemicals affect each sex differently, question?”
Rocky and Adrian are fascinated by human women, which makes sense. They only know Ryland, a man, so there's a whole other side of human biology that they're missing out on observing. While Eridians themselves are neither male nor female, there do exist gendered species on Erid, so the concept itself isn't alien to them. That being said, all of the creatures that reproduce the way humans do on Erid are small, unintelligent life forms.
Ryland takes a deep breath and explains everything in painful detail.
“WHAT MEAN, QUESTION? WHY HUMANS DO THIS, QUESTION? IS NOT MEANT TO BE PRIVATE, QUESTION?” He's shouting in octaves high enough that Ryland almost can't understand. Almost.
Yeah, needless to say, Rocky is experiencing a radical culture shock. Adrian probably is, too, but when she's confused, she tends to get introspective and quiet, only asking questions until after she's processed everything. She is, however, stomping her feet in thought.
“Honestly, I have no idea why people do this. It's never really been my area of expertise, to be fair.”
“Grace use Earth thinking machine to become expert,” Rocky says. “Then tell Adrian and Rocky research findings. Statement.”
“Noooooo, nope, nope nope. Not gonna happen, bud. I have zero interest in learning about all of that.”
Adrian shifts in place. “Human make sex tape. Sex tape released to other humans. Female human take bad situation and use to advantage. Become very famous. Make lots of money. Live life in luxury with rest of family for rest of lifespan.”
Ryland scratches his head. “Well, yeah. I guess that's the overly simplified version of it. It doesn't happen this way for other humans who don't have the resources the Kardashians do. There are other factors that made her fame possible, but… yeah. In this case, that's basically what happened.”
Adrian nods. “Understand. Humans use resources to adapt to bad situations. Much like Grace friend and Rocky use resources to save stars. Much like Grace friend use resources to adapt to Erid. Is human evolution trait, question?”
“Please, please, please don't compare me to Kim Kardashian, she's so much more successful and famous than I am.”
“No understand. Grace save Earth and Erid, but not as famous or successful, question?”
Ryland sighs in defeat. “Correct.”
Adrian gets quiet again and Rocky turns back to the TV screen. “Humans confusing.”
“Also correct.”
Rocky taps his foot. “Watch more show now. Many hours to watch. Want to know more about smaller Earth thinking machine and also makeup. Erid make. Put on Grace face.”
“No, no, you don't have to do that.”
“Makeup make Grace feel beautiful.”
“No, I'm good. You really don't have to do that.”
“Erid make Grace beautiful, statement.” Several foot taps accompany this from them both.
Oh, for fuck’s sake. This is a losing battle. “Okay, fine, whatever. I'll wear your alien lipstick.”
“Good, good.”