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“Are you sure he won’t get in your way?” Captain Gregor asked his brother Commander Gree.
The gunmetal and green helmeted clone chuckled and slapped the weak looking Echo on the back, startling the boy and causing him to release a small toot. “Are you kidding, Greg? He won’t be a problem. I’ll have him walk some rounds with me.” The three clones stood together on the forest covered planet of Kashyyyk.
“Oh that sounds great, Gree. Thanks for looking after him while I go take care of some stuff on Pasaana. I really appreciate it,” the stunning commando told his brother.
“Sure thing, that’s what uncles are for!” Commander Gree responded enthusiastically.
Gregor turned to Echo who still seemed nervous about the entire thing. “Echo my boy, Uncle Gree is going to watch you for a bit ok?” Echo had never met this uncle before today and he was being more timid than usual. Sensing his son’s uneasiness, Gregor reached out his arms and wiggled his fingers for Echo to come closer to him. The strange boy did as his father asked and came in for the embrace. The strong commando hugged his scrawny son, and said, “Don’t worry, Echo. Gree here may look tough but he is just a softy. You guys will have fun.”
“Ok, Papa,” Echo said, a little worry still in his voice.
“Come on and give your Pa a kiss,” Gregor said. The commando knew kissing always calmed his overly-sensitive son down. Echo perked up and grinned, showing off his beige teeth. The two leaned forward and pushed out their lips and kissed, making lots of noise.
Commander Gree’s nose crinkled up and his upper lip nearly touched his nose as he watched the father and son kiss in such an intimate way. He was more than happy that his helmet was on, and even more happy that he didn’t have any children.
Once the two were finished, Gregor stood up and put his helmet on, then waved goodbye to Echo and Gree before he left on his ARC-170. Commander Gree watched Echo wave farewell to his daddy. Then Echo’s body rotated without him actually moving, as the boy turned to face Commander Gree. The freaky boy said nothing, so Gree spoke first. “So, Echo. What do you normally like to do?”
Echo spent no time thinking. The boy quickly said, “I like to kiss and play with my lightsaber.”
Shocked by his statement, Commander Gree asked, “You have a lightsaber?”
“No,” Echo said.
Commander Gree’s head jerked back in confusion but he decided that he wasn’t going to prod any deeper. “Ok, then. How would you like to walk a Kashyyyk patrol route with your coolest uncle?”
Echo immediately began to bounce up and down, clapping his probe stick and his hand. “Can we see a Wookie, Uncko Gwee Gwee?”
The green commander laughed, and shouted, “Of course we will see a Wookie!”
The pasty white trooper instantly jumped for joy.
Gree continued, “Actually, I'm counting on it, I haven’t had lunch yet.”
Confused at his uncle’s statement, Echo stopped jumping for joy and eyed his uncle suspiciously, before he asked, “What is on your pants?”
Commander Gree’s eyes went wide and he looked down. “It’s probably blood…where?” He didn’t see anything on his pants and when he looked back up, Echo was only inches away from him. The child was so close that the commander could see the individual hairs of the boy’s 5 o’clock shadow. Terrified, Gree immediately took a step back from the ghost boy, and shouted, “Shit boy! Don’t do that!” After catching his breath, he asked Echo, “What is on my pants, kid? I don’t see anything.”
“Those straps right there,” Echo said as he stuck out his probe stick arm and touched Commander Gree’s left boob.
Underneath his helmet, Gree’s eyes narrowed at Echo. “Those are suspenders, boy.”
“Why?” Echo asked, as he moved his probe stick to Gree’s right boob.
Commander Gree was already regretting telling Gregor that he would look after his son. Gree took a deep breath in an attempt to wash away how creeped out he was by the touchy trooper. “They hold up my pants, so they don’t fall,” the commander explained to the dipshit.
“Ohhhhh, because Uncko Gwee Gwee poopoo in his pants like Echo?”
“What?” Gree immediately said. “No, I don’t. Ok, fine I did it like four times but that’s not why I need suspenders!”
“Uh oh!” Echo shouted as his gross sunken eyes got big.
“What!” Gree asked and looked around quickly to see who was shooting. Then the commander heard a squishy wet sound and a horrible smell entered his helmet.
“I pooed,” Echo stated.
“But why?!” Gree shouted as he threw his hands up into the air. “Wait, am I supposed to clean it?”
Echo smiled at his uncle’s question. Although Echo usually just left his butt dirty after pooing himself, since Commander Gree was dumb enough to ask, Echo decided to lie. “Yes, my uncles definitely always clean my poo. Especially Uncko Woffie, he cleans it good.” Echo’s face twisted up into a devious smile.
“Well shit. I didn’t know I was going to have to do all of this. Otherwise I wouldn’t have volunteered,” a disappointed Commander Gree said. “But there’s no way I’ll let Commander Wolffe look like a better uncle than me. Come on boy let’s go over here behind a tree,” Gree instructed as he waved Echo over.
The commander and Echo walked over to one of the many huge trees on Kashyyyk. The trees on Kashyyyk were sacred to the native Wookies. One was always supposed to treat the ancient organisms with the utmost of respect. Gree waited for Echo to come around the back of the tree where they would be out of sight of the other troopers.
“Ok boy, drop your pants,” he told the disgusting child who was definitely a man.
“Ok, Uncko,” Echo said as he began removing his lower body armor. Eventually the boy pulled down his undersuit.
Gree immediately vomited, covering the sacred tree with his breakfast. Still feeling queasy, he looked in front of him as the boy’s robotic legs were covered in chocolatey wet excrement. The hot fumes were toxic. The commander straightened up, realizing that he was the adult in charge and the boy was his responsibility. “Time to man up, Gree,” he told himself.
“What was that?” Echo asked, facing the other direction. The trooper had bent over slightly and was bracing himself on another holy tree.
“Now you're going to see why I have all these extra pockets and bags tied to my armor,” a proud Gree said, as he reached inside of one of his bags. The man took out a packet of wet wipes.
“Oh, Uncko Gwee Gwee was prepared for Echo’s poopoo,” Echo said.
Gree smiled safely underneath his helmet and said, “Sure, I was.”
“What else you got in there, Uncko?” the curious boy asked him.
“Nothing, shut up, boy,” Commander Gree said quickly.
Hidden behind the tree, the poo covered trooper bent over further and let uncle wipe him down with his convenient packet of wet wipes. The entire time the commander worked, the boy sang a weird song about how much he loved his uncles. Proud that he had been tough enough to do the job, Commander Gree shoved the soiled wipes into a hole inside of the sacred tree before helping Echo get dressed again.The two walked out from behind the cover of the trees to find a group of Gree’s men standing around gawking. The troopers stood watching their commander as he came out of the secluded area with his nephew, who at that moment was still trying to reattach his codpiece.
“What are you looking at! Get back to it!” Commander Gree shouted at the slackers, as he used his hands to shoo them off to go be useful somewhere. The green troopers ran off and Gree muttered under his breath, “Sheesh, you’d think they never saw an uncle and his nephew before.”
The troopers hurried off. With Gregor’s son now fresh and clean, Gree turned to look at him and said, “Alright, boy. Are you ready to go on our rounds now?”
“Why do your pants fall down?” Echo asked Gree.
“Shit boy not that again,” a frustrated Gree said. “I don’t know! I guess I have narrow hips!” the commander shouted at the pestering boy.
“Ok, Uncko,” Echo responded.
Breathing quickly from his fit, Commander Gree tried to calm himself. He brought his shoulders down and took in some deep breaths. “I’m sorry Echo. I think I’m just hangry. We really need to get going so I can eat someon– I mean something.”
A few awkward seconds passed in silence as Echo stared at Commander Gree, before the boy said, “Ok, Uncko.”
Eventually, the commander and the young trooper made their way to an outpost on the perimeter of the capital city. Commander Gree was saluted by some of his men and he let them know that they could take a break while he and Echo did the next round of patrolling.
“Alright, Echo. Have you ever used a blaster before?” Commander Gree asked the emaciated boy.
“A banana?” Echo asked.
Commander Gree closed his eyes. He had a helmet on so Echo wouldn’t know. He kept them closed for a few moments. The commander knew he was getting grumpy because he was extremely hungry but it didn’t help that Gregor’s son was so stupid. The man took a deep breath. “No Echo. A bla-ster,” Gree repeated.
“Ohhhhh, a ba-na-na,” Echo said.
“NO ECHO. A blaster not a banana! How can you be so dumb that you don’t know the difference in a blaster and a banana!!” Gree shouted at the poor child, causing him to frown.
Gree felt horrible. It was the hunger talking, not him. “Echo, I am sorry for shouting like that,” the man said with sincerity as he put his hand on the boy's shoulder to comfort him.
“What do you look like?” Echo suddenly asked Commander Gree.
Gree shook his head abruptly, confused by the sudden one-eighty with the subject. “What?”
“Take off your helmet,” Echo demanded.
“O-k,” Gree said, and slowly reached up to his helmet to do as the little weirdo had requested. Echo stared at him, emotionless as Gree removed his helmet.
With his helmet off, Gree’s features were finally visible to his nephew. The man had two long strips of hair going down his otherwise bald head. The grayish trooper stood unnaturally still as he continued staring at his uncle in silence. Finally, the boy spoke up and said, “You look dumb.”
“Wow,” Gree said at the boy’s blatant and rude comment. Then Gree promptly placed his helmet back on his head. “I’m so glad all of that had a point. Now put your helmet on and come on. No blaster for you. Now let’s get going.”
The suspenders sporting Gree and the black clad trooper left the outpost and started their patrol around the city. “Ok Echo. You watch for clankers. Let me know if you see any so your uncle can blast their useless heads off,” the commander said as he started to look around while the pair walked.
“Ok, Uncko. But what Uncko Gwee Gwee gonna do?” Echo asked.
“Oh me? I’m going to keep my eye open for lunch,” his uncle said.
“I wanna see a Wookie!” Echo suddenly threw a tantrum.
“Oh, trust me Echo,” Gree said, “So do I.” Echo listened as the man started making strange noises as if he was tasting something delicious. It also sounded like the noises Commander Cody made in the shower whenever he came over to Gregor’s house to watch Echo.
Echo was so excited, he had never seen a Wookie before but his pa had told him all about the tall hairy creatures. Gregor had told Echo that Wookies were gentle and kind creatures, and that if you showed them kindness in return, that you would have a friend for life. Echo sighed, he didn’t have any friends his own age, because none of his millions of uncles had any children. Gregor had been the only one who had been blessed with the gift of fatherhood. The ugly trooper smiled as he thought of his stunning father with his perfectly chiseled face. The way Echo figured it, when he grew up, he would look exactly like his dad.
Echo’s thoughts of his papa were interrupted as he saw something appear up the path in the distance. Commander Gree hadn’t noticed it yet. Echo squinted his eyes and to his delight he confirmed that it was a Wookie.
Echo’s heart leapt from his chest. If he could talk to the Wookie he could ask if it had any Wookie kids and they could be Echo’s friend. The Wookie was coming in their direction.
“Uncko Gwee Gwee, look!” Echo shouted as he pointed up the path. “A Wookie!” the boy shouted with glee.
Commander Gree stood straight and he looked ahead to where the boy pointed. “Let him come closer, Echo,” Gree told his nephew. They both continued walking toward the Wookie and the Wookie continued towards them.
The excitement in Echo’s body began to build as they made their way up to the Wookie. Finally, they had neared the tall majestic creature. Echo, delighted, waved his probe stick arm at the kind-looking citizen. The Wookie smiled at the trooper and lifted his own long arm to wave back at the boy. Echo’s heart was full. Wookies were as kind as his papa had told him.
Suddenly, Echo heard blaster fire and the Wookie fell to the ground dead. A shrill piercing scream left Echo’s mouth as he witnessed the horrific event. The boy watched as his uncle trotted over to the Wookie and grabbed it by the legs and attempted to drag it.
Commander Gree stopped for a moment and looked towards Echo. “Are you going to help me or not, boy? This is a big one!”
Echo froze in horror. He still couldn’t comprehend what he had just witnessed. “But, but why Uncko Gwee Gwee? Why did you kill that Wookie?”
Still looking at his nephew, Gree responded, “Well I thought that part was obvious! This is lunch! Now come on and help me move’em! I’m so hungry!”
Echo had never been so scared in his life. In his fear, he released a flood of diarrhea. The smell of it was simply too horrendous, reminiscent of a dumpster outside of a Gungan restaurant in the poorer part of town after someone had thrown a few rotting Lothcat corpses into it and then to top it off they pooed inside of that same dumpster before that person also died inside of it. Even with his helmet on, the commander didn’t have a chance. The green clad soldier grabbed at his throat as he tried to find air, but within seconds he had passed out onto the ground, next to the Wookie that he had, moments earlier, murdered.
This was Echo’s chance. There was no way he was going to spend one more second hanging out with his insane uncle. The boy turned to run, but immediately slipped in his own shit. With a thud, the trooper landed on his face and was thankful that he had been wearing his helmet. Echo slowly lifted himself up, and as he did, he heard the sound of his uncle stirring back awake. Panic gave Echo the strength to lift himself up and he started running. The boy’s robotic legs carried him fast and far. Eventually, he made his way back to the shore where he had landed his miniature Death Star earlier when he had arrived on Kashyyyk with his father.
Meanwhile, back at the dead Wookie, Commander Gree lifted his head from up off of the ground. “What happened?” he asked himself, his vision still foggy. “Echo!” he shouted as he remembered that he was with his nephew. Gree sat up and looked around but could not find the weird trooper boy. The commander turned to the dead Wookie. The Wookie looked so delicious and the commander was so hungry, all he wanted to do was find the strength to drag his meal into the trees and sink his teeth into it. The problem was that he just didn’t have time; Commander Gree had to find the boy. The trooper patted the dead Wookie on the head and said goodbye, the man honestly felt bad for killing him and not even eating him. “I hate wasting food,” Gree said aloud.
As the soldier stood, he noticed the puddle of Echo’s diarrhea on the ground. Then upon further inspection, Commander Gree also saw the gross brown poo boot prints that lead away from it. Taking a deep breath, Gree immediately jogged off, following his missing nephew’s trail.
Want to read something more serious? Read my Star wars Clone novel.