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It didn’t do them any good to think about what they missed from the physical world. But it was impossible not to indulge every once and a while. If you could call it an indulgence that is. An indulgence in “woe is me.”
They avoided things like friends and family. That was banned and for good reason. Sometimes, most of the time, it’s the little things.
“You know what I miss,” Ragatha says during one of said sessions, “House Hunters marathons. It was my guilty pleasure. Just sit on couch on a random Sunday with a glass of red wine and watch.”
“That feels a little too on the nose,” Pomni giggles a bit.
“It’s entirely inaccurate to the profession, but I loved it anyway,” she bites her lip, “I felt so bad. Just being lazy for the whole day. I miss it.”
Perhaps it was deserving of an eye roll but Pomni finds her idea of “being bad” endearing.
Caine was fed a few movies and shows during his training process. Caine could generate new content but much like a human being, he had to get this inspiration from somewhere. Plenty of circus materials of course, but also old westerns and sci-fi movie that influenced many of the adventures they went on.
But nothing from beyond 1999.
“I wonder how Caine made that McDonalds look so modern,” Pomni says.
“He probably pulled it out of Gangle’s brain scan,” Kinger answers.
“You must have spent a lot of time at that place for Caine to pull out that level of detail,” Ragatha says looking over at Gangle.
“A lot better than I ever would’ve wanted to.”
Zooble clears their throat clearly trying not to dwell, “so many shows I’ll never know the ending to.”
“I’ll never know if Ross and Rachel end up together,” Kinger says.
“Ross and Rachel?” Pomni says.
“Sorry, old man references again. It’s from a show called Friends,” Kinger says.
“Kinger I know what Friends is.”
“Oh sorry. Well then, good for you kid.”
“If you really want to know Rachel gets off-“
Kinger interrupts Zooble, “I don’t want to know!”
“I didn’t mean that kind of get off,” Zooble says.
Kinger is speaking with hands now, “no I don’t want to just know. Where’s the fun in that? I want to know the build up.”
“I’m sorry Kinger, I don’t think Caine or Zooble would remember every episode,” Ragatha says sincerely.
“Wellllll,” Zooble says dragging out then word, “maybe not every episode but I have seen the show about ten times.”
“What?” Pomni exclaims.
“I mean it was just always on at one of the bars I worked and one of my aunts basically learned English from it so I watched it everytime I went to her house,” Zooble says. “I’ve never actually counted but I think I’ve seen at least 6 times all the way through.”
“Huh,” Ragatha says.
“It’s good background noise I guess,” Zooble says with a shrug, “I’m not ashamed.”
“I’ve rewatched Fruits Basket 3 times,” Gangles chimes in.
“I wonder if— hey Caine?” Zooble calls out. A few months ago it was impossible to imagine Zooble ever willingly summoning Caine.
And just like he appears, “you rang?”
“Caine, you’re connected to the internet right?”
“Not right now but it’s possible. It takes a LOT of work. Also. kinda risks this whole shabang from being closed down.”
“What?” Ragatha perks up.
“One computer virus and the lights go out.”
“He’s not wrong,” Kinger says, “there were so pretty nasty bugs in the 90s.”
Caine starts hacking like a cat, “please don’t talk about it.”
“Sorry.”
“Okay well could you and-ugh- I’m usually about a billion percent against you going inside my head, but this is for Kinger. Could you possibly get the files from my head?”
“I can. I could but,” Caine presses his hands on together, “it’s nothing you can’t do by yourself.”
“Alright sure, I’ll give it a try.”
Zooble closes their eyes and suddenly- a wooden cabinet appears in the middle of the room. Zooble opens the doors and inside is a box tv. Zooble smiles to themself, “just like my aunt used to have. Which means,” they pull a drawer below the tv, “perfect.”
Zooble pulls out a slightly used looking, but not actually used, VHS of Friends season 5.
“You didn’t want to go for a dvd?” Pomni asks.
“This is way cooler,” Zooble replies.
“What’s a dvd?” Kinger says, everyone in the room look at him, “I’m joking I’m joking. Let’s start shall we?”
—————
“I don’t remember David Schwimmer having a hunchback,” Ragatha says as the episode ends.
“He did look….eviler,” Kinger says.
“I always thought he was the worst,” Zooble says.
“Maybe that’s it,” Kinger says.
“What do you mean?” Ragatha asks.
“Well this tape is pulled from Zooble’s memory of the show,” Kinger clarifies.
“So it’s influenced by how I remember the show?”
“Very Tennessee Williams,” Ragatha says.
“Correct a mundo!” Caine appears behind the couch.
“Jesus Christ!” Zooble jumps, “Caine, I’m like, really glad you’re not actively torturing us anymore, but you need to work on the whole not being a creep.”
“Sorry,” Caine says.
“Just,” Zooble puts a hand to their temple, “just work on it Caine.”
“Do you guys want to watch another episode?” Ragatha asks.
Kinger checks his wrist. There is no watch there. Or a wrist.
“I would but it’s getting late. Same time tomorrow?”
—————
Everyone in the circus had gotten better with manifesting but there was a certain learning curve.
First things were often skewed by the individuals idea of the item. They continued to manifest different movies and paintings they could remember and compared how they were different. How they were similar. What stood out to one person versus another.
Pomni’s memory of a horror movie she saw as a child was a lot scarier than that of the same movie Zooble saw as a teenager.
Any and all romantic subtext was a lot more overt in Gangle’s manifestations.
Ragatha had a lot of horse movies and the horses seemingly always moved in slow motion.
Caine said over time they’d be able to filter out some of their personal biases but they weren’t too concerned about that.
After today’s viewing Pomni stops Zooble, “hey um do you mind if we talk, privately,” Pomni looks at Gangle, “no offense.”
“Sure meet me in my room in like five, I just need to clean up a bit,” Zooble says.
Five minutes later Pomni knocks on their door.
“Come in,” they say, “whats up?”
Pomni slowly closes the door behind them.
“I want your input on something, it uhh,” Pomni looks down at their hands, “it’s about Jax.”
“Oh,” Zooble says their tone becomes less lively, “hey why don’t you take a seat.”
Pomni obliges and slinks down on a desk chair.
“What’s on your mind?”
As soon as Pomni opens her mouth words pour out like a faucet, “so, uh, I don’t really know if this okay to say but I also think maybe it’s bad to keep it in. But uh I think. Ugh. Okay so. When I went inside Jax. Ah that sounds bad. When I uh. I don’t know what to call it.”
“When you entered the abstraction?”
“Mhmm,” Pomni is just surprised the words coming out her mouth are actual words, “when I,” she makes a diving motion with her hands, “got in there I saw some stuff. Some uh stuff that I’m not sure I was supposed to see. And a lot of it,” Pomni makes a zip motion, she has to be careful not to actually summon a zipper, “but there was this one thing.”
“What is it?”
“That’s thing,” Pomni exhales, “I don’t know if Jax wanted— would want me to share it.”
“It’s clearly weighing on you, Pomni.”
She knows it’s an expression but she’s being feeling that weight for months now.
“It seemed like Jax really didn’t want anyone to know but also…”
“But also…..”
“It kinda affects the way we talk about…Jax,” Pomni hopes no one has caught on to her only using Jax’s name.
“Pomni, I think I know what you’re talking about,” Zooble says.
“You do?” Pomni squeaks out.
“Huh.”
“Huh what?”
“I don’t know. I always had my suspicions. If anything I’m surprised Jax knew that about themself.”
“So what should I do? It feels wrong hearing everyone use ‘he’, but it also it seemed like Jax really didn’t want anyone to know.”
“That’s,” Zooble sits on it for a minute, “that’s tough Pomni.”
“You mean you don’t know what I should do?”
“If you’re asking for my opinion I think we should tell the others. But I can’t say for sure what Jax would want.”
“But what about when we reverse the abstraction? Is it fair to take that away from Jax,” there’s also the other concern Pomni keeps to herself: “Would she be mad at me? Would she trust me again?”
“Pomni you know that’s a big ‘if’ and we really shouldn’t get our hopes up.”
“You’re right, I’m sorry,” Pomni knows it’s good intentioned. It’s good to stay hopeful but in the circus…obsessing over something has its consequences.
“There’s no need to apologize.”
“I think I still need to consider this but for now promise this stays between us.”
“Of course. And Pomni.”
“Yeah?”
“It means a lot to me that you felt you could bring this to me.”
“Uhh yeah,” she makes her way to the door, “I’ll see you tomorrow.”
“See you then.”
She shuts the door behind her.
—————
On Sundays Kinger can be found sitting at the aquarium watching Queenie. He likes to talk to her. She can’t respond. He knows this. He still likes to talk to her.
Another bridge to cross with manifesting was applying learning how to apply time to the manifestations. Everything was created in a perfect state. Ice cream didn’t melt. Milk didn’t spoil. Flowers didn’t wilt.
At first this didn’t seem like a bad thing but it made everything seem plastic.
Caine and Kinger told them to think about the life cycle while manifesting.
“You have to picture an object as the full story not just a scene.”
Gangle thought her years in the fast food industry would help, but unfortunately McDonalds Big Mac don’t serve as the perfect example of the natural timeline of food.
It was Ragatha who first nailed it. Summers spent watching birds nest and flowers bloom outside her window served her well.
So every Sunday Kinger would ask Ragatha for a new bouquet to bring to Queenie on their “date night.”
Kinger never insisted he get aquarium to himself on Sunday but they ended up avoided anyway. Today, however Pomni sat beside him as he talked to Queenie.
“I brought you some Peonies today,” he says to the tank before turning to Pomni, “they were one of her favorites.”
“They smell really nice.”
“Ants love the smell too, she’d sit in the garden watch the ants crawl through the petals.”
“You had a garden?”
“We did. We did. She wanted to get some meadow habitat certification but town hall mixed up the address. Eventually she made her own sign: ‘The Best Family Meadow, Bee and Birds Welcome.’”
Pomni laughs.
“I recommended ‘Come One, Come Crawl’ but she thought that left out the bees and butterflies.”
They watch their as the blur of darkness and eyes float around them.
“Kinger what is abstraction? I don’t think I’ve asked you since you became a lot err-“
“Saner?”
“I didn’t want to phrase it like that.”
“It’s alright. It’s true,” Kinger contemplates the question, “Pomni, I want to give you the answer so badly but the best I can do is tell you what I think it.”
“Well then, what do you think it is?”
“Well Caine came up with the word ‘abstraction’ so that probably means something, right?”
Pomni knew the term. She could defer an abstract painting from a realistic one. But if you asked her for an actual definition?
“So they’re like… abstract paintings of themselves.”
“Maybe,” Kinger says, “in computer science abstraction is when you when you hide the complex stuff to make a computer language more readable to the average person. Abstractions are supposed to be more understandable .”
“You think these guys are less complex than what they were before?”
“In way but also I think that’s the problem. We’re supposed to be complicated but sometimes they reach a point of so much complexity with no proper way to let it out that the program tries to simplify it for them by abstracting their feelings. But human beings aren’t meant to be simplified. It messes with the humanness of our avatar and eventually turns into that,” he points to the tank, “Cosmic flanderization.”
“Woah.”
“But that’s just my theory.”
“It’s quite the theory.”
“Well nearly a decade and a half of computer science had to be for something.”
“I thought you said seven?”
“Oh, that was just school.”
“So the issue is complicated emotions?”
“You can’t help how you feel. Especially in a place like this. But if you don’t let those feeling out. Don’t let anyone else, or even yourself, understand them, well then the computer does it for you.”
“When I touched abstracted Jax I saw some…stuff. Some of Jax’s memories,” Kinger raises an eyebrow, “I’m sorry I never told you. It’s just some of the stuff I saw. I wasn’t sure if I was supposed to see it.”
“Well, another part of abstraction in computer programming is showing people what you think, no, what you want them to see,” Kinger says.
“So you think everything I saw was what Jax thought I needed to know?”
“Maybe.”
“You’re trying to fit two concepts into this abstraction thing to make me feel better.”
“You lead a horse to water, check its teeth, and beat it when it’s dead.”
“That makes no sense old man.”
“Not much does.”
Kinger gets up.
“You know what? I’m sure Queenie has heard enough for me already. Why don’t I leave you and Jax alone for a bit.”
“You know Jax can’t hear me, Kinger.”
“Just because they can’t respond doesn’t mean they’re not listening.”
Kinger leaves Pomni. She sits there. Trying to formulate the right words.
She comes to the conclusion there are no right words.
“Even in abstraction you’re an ass, you know that. How could you leave me like this?”
Most of abstractions look alike but they’ve learned how to tell them apart. Jax has a slight purple glow to them…to her.
“I’ve considered trying that manifestation thing on you but I know it wouldn’t work. It would just be who I thought you were. And clearly there was a lot I didn’t, none of us, knew about you. Sometimes I feel like I’m mourning a person I didn’t know.”
Jax’s last words churn in her head: “I don’t want to go.” Pomni misses a person she barely knew. But Jax was mourning a person she never got to be.
Maybe if she knew they’d get control of the circus.
Maybe if Pomni checked in on her.
It’s not fair. None of it is fair.
Pomni sees a purple hue floating above her.
“You’re a piece of work you know that right?”
In the dark silence of the aquarium, Pomni swears she can hear a laugh.