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Language:
English
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Published:
2016-12-02
Updated:
2016-12-23
Words:
11,010
Chapters:
24/?
Comments:
32
Kudos:
69
Bookmarks:
10
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1,717

The Way the World Ends

Summary:

Collection of oneshots that feature someone dying or someone's world coming to an end in amusing, sad or weird ways.

Notes:

This was first posted on FFN a couple of years ago. When I uploaded everything over here, it must have slipped through the cracks. So I'm posting it now, advent calendar style - though there are only 10 chapters to this one. Let's hope I'll have come up with something else to post by the 10th... ; )

I'm putting the chapters in a different order than on FFN. Because I feel like it. :P
Remember that comments are love. If you particularly like (or dislike) one of the chapters, let me know! ^^

ETA 12/2022: I'd like to make it very clear that while I've loved the Harry Potter world and characters for a long time, I do NOT agree with Rowling's hideous transphobia.

Chapter 1: Who Will Buy

Summary:

Let's start with a WEIRD one so you know what you're in for here... Sung to the melody of Who Will Buy from the musical "Oliver!"

Notes:

(See the end of the chapter for notes.)

Chapter Text

The Wizarding World has gone to ruin. The heroes we know and love are leaving the Leaky Cauldron to try and sell their last possessions in Muggle London.

Enter Draco, stage right, looking lost.
"Who will buy my little pony,
well groomed, for a penny?
Who will buy my little pony,
well groomed, for a penny?"

Pansy Parkinson, carrying a ball of Acromantula silk.
"Will you buy and silk today, mistress?
Any silk today, mistress?"

(Draco: "Who will buy my little pony?")
(Pansy: "Any silk today, mistress?")
(Draco: "- well groomed, for a penny.")

Enter Luna, looking exuberant and dreamy, carrying a basket of radishes:
"Ripe dirigible plums!
Ripe dirigible plums!
...Ripe dirigible plums!"

(Pansy: "Any silk today, mistress?")
(Draco: "Who will buy my little pony?")

Snape, prowling sour-faced through the background, muttering to himself:
"Mind: clear your mind!
Clear your foolish mind.
Mind: clear your mind!
Clear your foolish mind!"

(All: "Who will buy... who will buy... who will buy?")

Focus on Ginny Weasley, leaning out a window of Hogwarts castle, watching Harry circling the Quidditch pitch.
"Who will buy this wonderful hero?
Such a guy you never did see!"

(Draco: "Who will buy my little pony?")

Ginny:
"Who will tie him up with a ribbon
and put him in a bed for me?"

(Luna: "Ripe dirigible plums!")

Ginny:
"So I can see him at my leisure
whenever things go wrong
and I shall keep him for my pleasure
to last my whole life long!"

(Pansy: "Any silk today...?")

Harry, oblivious, desperately clutching his Firebolt:
"Who will buy this wonderful broomstick?
I'm so high I swear I could fly!"

(Snape: "Mind: clear your mind!")
(Luna: "Ripe dirigible plums!")

Harry:
"Me, oh my! I don't want to lose it!
So what am I to do
to keep the magic true?
There must be someone
who will buy...?"

(All: "Who will buy... who will buy... who will buy... who will buy?")

All:
"Who will buy this wonderful hero?
Such a guy you never did see!
Who will tie him up with a ribbon
and put him in a bed for me?

There'll never be a death so funny
It has to happen twice
Where is the man with all the money?
He's cheap at half the price!"

Who will buy this wonderful magic?
We're so high, we swear we can fly!
Me, oh my! We don't want to lose it!
So what are we to do
to keep the magic true?"

Harry: "There must be someone who will buy...?"

All: "Who will... buy???"

[Enter Taneleer Tivan, stage left. Clears throat. "If I may...?"]

Notes:

This all started with a conversation PoetOfBabylon and I once had about Draco and his little pony, though how we got there I sure don't know.