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"Your secret is safe with me." Ribbit told gently after carefully wrapping their bow round those big ass bunny ears. A tender smile was given to the rabbit as well. Watching those yellow eyes morph into various expressions was concerning; but she knew to give him space.
It was easy to tell Jax was thinking about running and hiding again. Literally and metaphorically. Letting the silence grow thick, Ribbit offered her hand. Once a cartoony glove was wrapped around, it grew into a comfortable quietness. A delicate squeeze from Jax was given to their joined hands.
Anxiety swelled within the purple rabbit; but so, did an odd fuzzy feeling. It was the first time Jax felt genuine hope. "Promise to never tell anyone, not even Kaufmo. Please..." Jax murmured, frightened speaking louder would break this precious moment. Ribbit dragged fingers across their lip to zip it and flicked the metaphorical key away. Her lips forever sealed.
Eyeing up the door, Jax felt hesitation gnawed at him. Unable to shake the feeling someone would walk in and reject him again. Laugh at who Jax wished deep down to be and give a hug like it was all some joke. Hiccups filled the room as Jax tried to quell the tears welling up in his eyes. Rubbing them away he let out a frustrated half sob half grumble. "This- This is stupid. I look ridiculous. J-just like everything else in this circus. This absolute s-"
A hand cupped his cheek before the forced censor bar could come out. "It's okay. If you don't want to wear it, you don't have to. But.. if it's worth anything. I think you look wonderful." Their words were so tender yet made Jax's heart ache. How could anyone be this accepting? There had to be a catch. This had to be some prank or a joke Ribbit was pulling. Ribbit always liked messed up jokes..
Head swirling with thought, Jax jerked away, hugging himself to refrain from making the same mistake twice. Tears threatened to come back again as Jax felt a heartbeat loudly in that digital chest. Jax could barely breathe, barely look at Ribbit. This didn't feel real. Dread filled Jax so much it felt like a physical weight pulling him down into the bed.
"H-how do I know you're not just saying this? Trying to see a vulnerable side of me to- to pick apart like some science experiment?!" Jax managed to get out after taking in lungful of air a few times. Head still dizzy from panic and quick breathes, he could barely fully see. "Looking at me like I'm a freak of nature.." Or even think clearly. Part of him wished to run away, get in bed, and never get back up again. Not even for Ribbit.
Reaching out once more, Ribbit offered both their hands. "I'm saying this because.. I know what it's like. You're not the only one vulnerable here." Finally getting the rabbit to come out more, Ribbit pulled her purple dumbass into her arms. "It's funny you say everything in this circus is stupid but it's the only place I can be myself." When given a stern but confused look from the purple rabbit, Ribbit gestured down her froggy body. "Ironic I know."
Before Jax could make some remark, Ribbit caressed a cheek. "Shhhhhush. Stick with me for a second, man. Jeez." They chuckled with a little eye roll. "What I meant is expressing myself. Here I can finally wear bowties whenever and even suspenders on certain adventures. But I'm still seen and accepted as a woman. Caine even said gender neutral pronouns can be used anytime all I had to do was ask-" They stopped when two yellow gloves grasped at her shoulders.
Jax's expression was too wide, a grin reaching nearly both side of his face and eyes so tiny they were like pin prinks rather than pupils. "Ribbit, what the [ #*@!] are you talking about?" A moment of silence hung in the air before Jax threw up arms in the air and waved them dramatically. "Oh, I get it... you're.. what a manly lesbian who thinks I'm some femboy bunny rabbit to tease. Of course.. should have known no one would understand.."
Not wanting her best friend to leave, or worse abstract, Ribbit held with all their might. "No, Jax! You're not understanding! Please.. listen." Getting pressed tightly made Jax's eyes pop out cartoonishly and make a bit undignified squeak. "I'm not letting go unless you agree to hear me out, man." A bit of angry mumbled into her chest turned into mere grumpy groans. It was the best she was going to have and by Caine, Ribbit will work with it.
Skootching down the bed to get more comfortable, Ribbit eased up but still clutched Jax's overalls. Part of them still terrified of Jax running off to never be seen again. "I meant that.. Here, things are bit more accepting. I, uh, I do dress 'manly' as you put it, but I wasn't accepted as I am now. My parents were okay with me dressing like a boy, because, well.. I was born one. Yet when they begged for a daughter and I-I decided to say they might already have one, that didn't go over so well. But here, it is. Caine get it, and he's an ai. A [#*&! ]ing ai, Jax."
Looking down at Jax to only be greeted with pin pricks for pupils, Ribbit wondered if she messed up. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to make this about me. I just was trying to say you're not alone in this. I actually do understand you." Those yellow eyes then teared up again and Jax finally hugged back. For a moment, Jax squeezed so hard, Ribbit couldn't tell if it was revenge for earlier or letting out all the anguish bottled up.
Laying together once again in pure silence began to feel cozy again. After finally catching breathe, Jax looked up at Ribbit and then to the mirror. "If you actually get me... Promise not to laugh at me...?" It was easy to tell Jax was trying to be 'manly' like always and sound confident but it came off more like a question. Everything felt so fragile in this moment. Cupping the rabbit like he was the most precious thing in the entire circus, Ribbit gave a nod.
It took a moment for Jax to do what he planned on doing. Fingers tapping along pink overalls while the other hand kept hesitantly touching that pink bow. A huff was let out before Jax finally got up. Ribbit watched, not daring to move, to let her friend explore this and take 'his' time to get used to it. Watched as Jax walked up to the mirror with eyes clenched shut as if afraid to look at himself. And see what 'he' really looks like.
"It's okay. It's only us." Ribbit softly encouraged from the bed. The frog hugged their knees to their chest and waited with baited breathe. This was it, this was the final huge moment they both could tell was needed to happen. It was either Jax face the real person hidden with in or go insane from repressing the one chance at happiness.
Finally opening those yellow eyes, Jax looked at the reflection staring. Touching that bow on his head made his breath waver and chest feel tight again. Tear came back for what felt like the fourth time, but it felt good this time. A mix of fear and joy buzzing around in her head. For the first time ever, Jax felt more like herself. Her body felt like hers rather than some uncomfortable thing that got her place to place.
"I.. I don't know what to say. Y-you're seriously okay with this?" Jax asked, unsure if this was really happening. It all felt too good to be real for her to not doubt a little bit. A lump began to form in her throat as she held back her sobs. Her fingers wouldn't leave that bow alone. It was such a tiny detail, but it meant the world to her. It meant she'd get to be viewed as a woman, and it felt so freeing and scary at the same time.
A proud smile was pulling on Ribbit's lips. Unable to control how much joy they were feeling for their best friend. Slinking off the bed, Ribbit came behind Jax and wrapped her arms around the other woman. "Hey, you don't have to ask permission to be happy. Especially when you look wonderful, Jax." Wiping away Jax's tears one last time, Ribbit nuzzled into her friend's cheek. "I'm proud of you, Jax- Oh wait, you still okay with that name?"
Putting a thumb to her chin, she began to think it over. "Well.. I had a few ideas, but none really stuck. In the past, before this whole circus bs I mean, I thought about Dasiy.." Jax scrunched up her face and Ribbit couldn't help but find it cute. "It felt too.. childlike so I passed on it. Then I thought maybe Bella or Belle but... naaaah. Didn't fit me either. Felt too cartoon princess-y." Leaning into Ribbit, she let out a sigh. It was bittersweet to think only now she could actully think about it. Part of her wished she could have done it sooner, but the past is the past.
"I bet this sound all so silly, huh? Grown ass ma- adult can't think of their own name." Jax huffed out with a half laugh. Not quite ready to refer to herself as a woman just yet. Once again using humor and sarcasm to lock herself away from her real feelings. Yet Ribbit wasn't going to let her do that. Instead, Ribbit gracefully stood straight while keeping Jax supported in their arms. Pressing their cheeks together, Ribbit offered a cheek smile.
"You're talking to a grown ass adult who can't even remember their name." Ribbit chortled. "But seriously, all I can recall about my old name, the one I used in the real world I mean, is that it was unisex. I have vague memories of being asked if I was a girl or a boy because of it. Oddly can't recall the name itself." That made Jax's ears go all the way up before she resettled into the arms around her. It felt so good to know she wasn't being judged for once.
Taking a deep breath, Jax placed both her hands onto one of Ribbit's forearms and gave a firm squeeze. Looking herself in the eye via the reflection, she was ready to ask herself some questions. Ones that been buried long before she was trapped in this colorful hellscape. Her lip wobbled as she was clearly mulling over so many thoughts in that fluffy head of hers. Giving one final squeeze, the rabbit opened her mouth but it took a moment for her to truly find her words.
"Jessica. I- I think I want to try Jessica. Test it out, y'know?" Her words softly spoken once more even though it was just them. Trembling in Ribbit's arms, she felt so vulnerable but this time it felt bit more bearable. Knew she could finally fall apart and still would be loved in some way without being rejected. There was no going back now, it was frightening as it was thrilling.
Ribbit gave a huge bear hug, the one their bestie always loved. "It's a lovely name. You're always welcomed here to be yourself, Jessica."
The two of them began to tear up from overwhelming emotions and Jessica laughed. The genuine giggle she let out whenever Ribbit ripped on Kaufmo's bad jokes. That's when they both knew things were going to be okay. No more hiding, no more shame. Only pure joy in having self expression.
Over the next few weeks, 'Jax' would keep coming over to Ribbit's to hear that name again. Get more used to stepping out of the closet and into the person she's meant to be. Being called Jessica felt foreign but made her stomach flip at the same time. It felt right, felt like her. The best part of getting more clothes to experiment with thanks to Ribbit asking on her behalf. More and more, Jessica felt comfortable in her body.
Ready for the next step, Jessica walked with Ribbit down the circus' bright hallways. Together they were going to talk to Caine, ask about customizing the avatars. It felt so damn good to get to stay it outloud. To finally put in her name and have it accepted without a laugh or demeaning hug.
Looking herself over in the mirror, Jessica couldn't be more happy. The hair and eye makeup she always wished to time for, the pink and black striped sweater she always wanted to style, and the leg armers that always looked so cute to her. Jessica had it all. Well almost all of it.
"Everyone give a warm welcome to our new and improved circus member!" Caine's voice boomed out from outside her door. Taking her cue, Jessical sheepishly opened the door. A couple of bewildered looks made her shrink a little. "Meet Jessica!" Caine continued with applause and fanfare that sounded like a sound byte from a computer. It was dumb but sweet at the same time to Jessica.
Watching all of her friends accept her and either hug her or give complements had her feeling ecstatic. Jessica now had it all. All she ever wanted was a loving family she could be herself around. "This is so stupid." Jessica laughed out with a great big grin as a group hug was given; even Caine joining to show his support. "I love you idiots." That got yet another bewildered look from everyone. All expect Ribbit who already knew.
Kaufmo picked up both Ribbit and Jessica into a hug, giving the pair an affectionate squeeze. Overjoyed that his decision to not knock on the door and them doing whatever it was that day pushed his friend onto a happier path of life. For a while he felt horrible. As if Jessica would think he didn't want to talk to her so she was sneaking off to Ribbit's room. He was so glad it was just an egg of a person seeking out another trans woman for advice.
Ribbit and Jessica laughed at being picked up like that. Feeling carefree, Ribbit pressed Jessica's cheek to hers once more. "We love you too, dumb bunny." Jessica's face went bright red but she didn't push them again. She nuzzled right back with a content sigh. Maybe the circus wasn't so stupid after all. Jessica could get used to this, now that it was truly a home for her and her new family.