Archive of Our Own

After the success of last year's mini-series where fans got to know some of the players better as people, Harris comes in to the 2019/20 season with a notebook full of ideas.

This year's objective: Viral Trends.

Some of the other teams participated in social media trends and challenges that had done insane numbers, breaking the containment of the hockey fandom and into mainstream media. With Ilya Rozanov and Shane Motherfucking Hollander on their team, he knows the Cens can outdo literally any other team in the league.

So he drafts up a timeline and sets to work.

AUGUST 2019

VIDEO UPLOADED TO ALL CENTAURS OFFICIAL SOCIAL MEDIA CHANNELS

[CENTAURS LOGO OVERLAYED WITH TEXT: CENTAURS THIS OR THAT CHALLENGE]

The camera is positioned at center ice with players in full gear lined up one behind the other; only Ilya Rozanov is fully visible at the front, a "C" stitched to his chest, officially announcing him as Captain for the first time.

[Text on screen, top center: 2019 Ottawa Centaurs]
 [Text on screen, top left and right: HOME GAMES or AWAY GAMES]

ROZANOV grins and skates left, choosing HOME GAMES, revealing BOODRAM, wearing the A, standing behind him.

BOODRAM smiles at the camera and also skates left.

CHOUINARD waves cheerily as he skates left.

HAYES, BARRETT, and DYKSTRA also skate left, choosing HOME GAMES.

YOUNG, one of the 2018 rookies, skates right, choosing AWAY GAMES.

LAPOINTE tries to skate left, but HOLMBERG, behind him, grabs his jersey and yanks them both right, keeping all three 2018 rookies together.

DILLON follows them, also skating right.

BOYLE skates left, revealing Centaur's newest rookie, baby-faced HAAS, who blushes, smiles, and quickly skates left after him.

HOLLANDER is the only player left on the ice, standing proudly in his brand new jersey, revealing it to the public for the first time. He gives the camera a polite wave as he skates left.
[Text on screen: Hometown Hero Hollander Loves Home Games!]

[Image appears on screen: old photo of a grinning, chubby-cheeked toddler in an oversized Centaurs' jersey, excitedly holding up a puck to the camera]
[text overlay: Shane Hollander's First Game Winning Puck, December 1993]

[CUT; Scene resets]

 [Text on screen: LUCKY SOCKS or LUCKY UNDERWEAR]

ROZANOV waggles his eyebrows playfully and skates right, choosing LUCKY UNDERWEAR.

BOODRAM, CHOUINARD, and HAYES all skate left, choosing LUCKY SOCKS.

BARRETT hesitates, briefly looking off camera, before ducking his head and skating right. 

DYKSTRA shrugs and skates right.

YOUNG and LAPOINTE skate left.

HOLMBERG pauses to blow a kiss in the direction of his fellow rookies before skating backwards towards LUCKY UNDERWEAR, one hand clasped dramatically to his chest at the prospect of being parted from YOUNG and LAPOINTE.

DILLON and BOYLE both choose LUCKY SOCKS, skating left.

HAAS, bright red and avoiding looking at the camera, skates right as quickly as he can.

HOLLANDER pauses consideringly, rolls his eyes, and skates right after HAAS.

[Text on screen: FINAL COUNT: LUCKY SOCKS: 7 / LUCKY UNDERWEAR: 6]

[CUT; Scene resets]

 [Text on screen: TAMPA BAY THUNDER or FLORIDA GATORS]

Completely straight-faced, every single player, one by one, skates left.

The outcome is unanimous: Tampa Bay every time.

[CUT; Scene resets] 

 [Text on screen: HALLOWEEN or CHRISTMAS]

ROZANOV grins delightedly and skates left for HALLOWEEN.

BOODRAM and CHOUINARD go right, choosing CHRISTMAS.

HAYES and BARRETT both choose HALLOWEEN; HAYES with conviction, BARRETT a bit more hesitantly.

DYKSTRA freezes, eyes bouncing back and forth, before slowly skating right after BOODRAM and CHOUINARD.

YOUNG, LAPOINTE and HOLMBERG all skate left, arms linked, to pick HALLOWEEN.
[image on screen: the three rookies as the Powerpuff Girls at the Centaurs' Halloween party, October 2018]

DILLON and BOYLE choose CHRISTMAS.

HAAS smiles at the camera and also skates right.

HOLLANDER pauses, and flicks his eyes to someone or something off-screen to the left, but slowly skates right.

[Text on screen: FINAL COUNT: HALLOWEEN: 6 / CHRISTMAS: 7]

[CUT; Scene resets] 

[Text on screen: HOLLANDER or ROZANOV]

ROZANOV is immediately notable in his absence.

BOODRAM takes his place at the front. He looks deeply unimpressed by this choice. Ultimately, he rolls his eyes and skates right, starting the round with ROZANOV.

CHOUINARD hesitates before choosing HOLLANDER.

HAYES also chooses HOLLANDER.

BARRETT starts skating left, pauses, then changes his mind and goes right, choosing ROZANOV.

DYKSTRA goes left, picking HOLLANDER.

YOUNG picks ROZANOV.

LAPOINTE chooses HOLLANDER.

HOLMBERG watches both of the other rookies skate away, clearly struggling to decide, before heading right with YOUNG to vote for ROZANOV.

DILLON picks ROZANOV, while BOYLE picks HOLLANDER.

HAAS looks deeply conflicted, shifting from skate to skate at center ice before closing his eyes and choosing ROZANOV, revealing that HOLLANDER is also absent.

[Text on screen: FINAL VERDICT: ROZANOV WINS!]

SEPTEMBER 2019

VIDEO UPLOADED TO ALL CENTAURS OFFICIAL SOCIAL MEDIA CHANNELS

[CENTAURS LOGO OVERLAYED WITH TEXT: CENTAURS GOOGLE AUTOCOMPLETE CHALLENGE]

The camera is facing a comfortable looking red sofa, on which an open, silver laptop has been placed.

[text overlay: Meet the Cens' New Captain, Alternate, and Centers]

The first few rounds are exactly what Harris wants. Fun, easy, safe.

"Does Ilya Rozanov speak Russian?" is answered with a cheeky grin and a "Da".

"Does Shane Hollander play hockey?" is met with genuine confusion, a furrow appearing between Shane's brows, before he says "yes, I have played hockey all my life" in that perfectly media trained yet startlingly genuine way of his.

"Does Zane Boodram barbecue?" - the very top autocomplete suggestion for the Alternate Captain - gets a booming laugh that devolves into both Bood and Harris laughing themselves sick. He cuts the film so they can compose themselves. When they eventually stop laughing, Harris restarts the recording, and Bood pulls himself together enough to answer "I barbecue at all the team gatherings, even in winter", followed by a grin and a shameless plug of his BBQing with Bood mini-series.

"Does Luca Haas speak English?" is met with a slightly disbelieving smile and a quiet 'yes' from the Cens' youngest and quietest member.

After each answering the top three suggestions, Harris changes the question and expands to the top five suggestions, hoping to get some sillier topics for fan engagement. The laptop screen is being recorded, so Harris is filming each player's face, with no view of the suggestions. He (mostly) trusts the players to read them honestly. Ilya is up first.

ROZANOV, dressed in all-black athleisure, lounges casually on the red sofa, laptop balanced on his knees. The blank Google search screen pops up beside him on the screen, and he begins to type.

ROZANOV snorts, reading out the first three, along with his answers: "da", "da", "eugh. no. not american, but maybe canadian one day". The fourth one brings a smug grin to his face.

ROZANOV: Da. Number one. HOLLANDER is second best player, second draft pick, second to win cup…

Harris sighs and shakes his head. The two of them are terrifyingly competitive, on and off the ice. They seem to spend a lot of time together, but he's still not sure if they are actually friends, or just too competitive to allow the other to do anything 'first'. Troy has a… very different hypothesis. Troy also reads too many romance novels.
These thoughts are the reason that he doesn't notice that Ilya has frozen until a beat too late.
"Roz?"
He startles, almost imperceptibly, and Harris watches the mask fall in real time.

ROZANOV tilts his head, frowning exaggeratedly at whatever is on the screen.

ROZANOV: You must explain. Says 'Is Ilya Rozanov gay or European?' What does this mean? Gay is not place?

DROVER: [OC] Uh, it's kind of a joke. European men are supposed to be more stylish and affectionate than Americans, so they get read as gay when they aren't.

ROZANOV: Ah. No.

[CUT]

BOODRAM sits upright on the sofa, legs spread and laptop balanced on one, massive thigh. His dreads are coiled haphazardly into a bun, and the sleeves of his henley are rolled up to expose tattooed forearms. The blank Google search screen pops up beside him on the screen, and he begins to type.

BOODRAM: [laughing] Yes, I am a Haitian-Canadian hockey player. I am not a professional chef but I do have a pretty professional set up going on at home. I love to barbecue for friends and family, and all that NHL money has to go somewhere. [more seriously] And no, not gay. Just a decent human being who thinks everyone has the right to love whoever they want. [smiling] All of my teammates should be able to be as openly, disgustingly in love as me and my beautiful wife.

[CUT]

HOLLANDER sits awkwardly on the sofa, hair pulled back, glasses on, wearing black tracksuit pants and a slightly oversized, faded Cens hoodie. A silver Rolex watch is visible on his left wrist. The laptop is carefully placed in his lap, one hand gripping it as if he's afraid to drop it. The blank Google search screen pops up beside him on the screen, and he begins to type.

HOLLANDER: Yes, I am Canadian, and a professional hockey player. [eyes flicker off camera, grimaces] Uh, no. I am not dating Rose Landry. We dated for a few weeks, years ago, but we broke up in January 2017. We were not compatible in that way, but she's one of my best friends. [looks back down at laptop screen] I am half Japanese, but I've only visited Japan once, as a kid. [amused huff] No, definitely not a model. Just a hockey player whose mom sets up a lot of brand deals.

[CUT]

HAAS sits cross-legged on the sofa, his green, hockey-stick patterned socks visible. The laptop is cradled in his lap, and he looks vaguely uncomfortable, but he's smiling. The blank Google search screen pops up beside him on the screen, and he begins to type.

HAAS: [giggling quietly as something out of shot] [clears throat] Yes, I am a Swiss hockey player. [blushes] I like to do little sketches from time to time, uh, just for fun. I have an Instagram for it, because the guys here made me, but... [shrugs self-depricatingly]
[text overlay: Follow @hlucaart00]
HAAS: [shifts uncomfortably, face and ears red] Uh, I have no idea if people think I'm cute?

SEVERAL VOICES: [OC] You are!

HAAS: [quietly] Oh.

HAAS: [hesitates] Uh, I guess that's a yes, then? To, ah, being cute. Um, and the gay or European question is such a weird American thing. But, yeah, I'm European.

[END]

OCTOBER 2019

The first two videos have gone so well that, in October, Harris gets a little bit brave. That is his first mistake.

His second mistake is not setting more careful parameters on how to partake in said challenge.

VIDEO UPLOADED TO ALL CENTAURS OFFICIAL SOCIAL MEDIA CHANNELS.

[CENTAURS LOGO OVERLAYED WITH TEXT: CENTAURS HEAR ME OUT CHALLENGE]

Camera is positioned in what appears to be a break room, a large chocolate cake sitting on a table, center screen.

ROZANOV walks into shot, hands behind his back, looking suspiciously innocent.

DROVER: [OC] Oh, no.

ROZANOV stabs a tiny, topless photo of himself into the cake.

DROVER: [OC] No. No, Ilya. That's not how this works. You have to pick someone else.

ROZANOV nods seriously, but does not remove his miniature self from the cake. He pauses, before seeming to make a decision. His hand appears from behind his back again, this time adorning the cake with a tiny, underwear-clad HOLLANDER.

DROVER: [OC, audibly choking] Jesus Chri- [sighs] Roz. No.

ROZANOV: [frowning] You do not like?

A small squeak is heard off-camera. ROZANOV looks up and grins widely at the source of the noise. 

DROVER: [OC] That's not- You're supposed to put someone who isn't hot.

ROZANOV: [feigning confusion] Yes? Is boring Canadian on ice. Is very cold. This is opposite of hot.

DROVER: [OC] Not temperature. Someone unusual or controversial.

ROZANOV: [dismissive] I do not know that word. Russians do not do this “controversial” thing.

DROVER: [muttering mutinously] You absolutely [bleep] do.

[CUT]

Re-opens on the same scene, but ROZANOV and his mini figures are gone. HOLLANDER now stands behind the table, already openly smirking at someone off camera. From under the table, he produces a printed cut out of SCOTT HUNTER, and proudly jabs it into the center of the cake.

DROVER: [OC] Oh, for–

ROZANOV: [OC] No. No. Absolutely the [bleep] not. He is fossil. He is ancient. He is dust!

ROZANOV hurries into the shot, visibly distressed, and yanks the tiny SCOTT HUNTER figure out of the cake, then turns to stare at Shane, horrified.

ROZANOV: Shanya… You do this to me? Why?

HOLLANDER's gaze remains firmly on the camera, ignoring ROZANOV. He replaces the SCOTT HUNTER cutout on top of the cake and folds his arms, unapologetic.

ROZANOV turns his attention to the camera and, without breaking eye contact, adds a cut out of YUNA HOLLANDER to the cake.

HOLLANDER glances down, expression shifting instantly from irritation to horror, and lets out an incoherent scream. His mouth is moving but everything is bleeped out.

ROZANOV is still staring into the camera, smirking. 

[CUT]

[Text on screen: For everyone's safety and wellbeing, it has been agreed that all players must choose animated characters only.]

[CUT]

Reopen to same scene, but the cake is once again empty. ROZANOV is standing behind it, looking resigned.

ROZANOV: Fine.

He sighs and adds a little cut out of MISS FRIZZLE from The Magic School Bus to the cake.

DROVER: [OC] Do you even have that in Russia?

ROZANOV: Of course not. Is American capitalist nonsense. But someone tells me “oh, Ilya, it is very important. Very educational. Good for learning English language.” So I watch. And now I am obsessed with crazy lady and her magical yellow bus! So. I choose Miss Frizzle. Goodbye.

[CUT]

BOODRAM grins and adds FROZONE (The Incredibles) next to Miss Frizzle.

[CUT]

YOUNG adds KORRA (Avatar).

[CUT]

LAPOINTE adds COSMO (Fairly OddParents), hesitates, then puts WANDA on the cake beside him.

[CUT]

HOLMBERG proudly places GLORIA (Madagascar) front and center.

[CUT]

HAYES adds a cut out of STORM (X-Men).

[CUT]

At this point, Harris has relaxed again, and is in the rhythm of turning the camera off, calling a name, turning it back on, rinse and repeat. The choices were interesting enough to generate interaction from fans, but not so controversial that he'd be fielding emails from the Commissioner's office (again).

He's mentally debating whether or not to include the initial Holl-Roz debacle in the final cut as Boyle saunters in to stand behind the cake.

"Great," he says, smiling at the hulking defenceman. "I'll press go on one, two-" On the silent three, he hits record.

BOYLE stares blankly at the camera as he adds an unidentifiable cut out to the cake with his massive hands. He ambles calmly off screen, revealing the figure of GRITTY placed jauntily next to GLORIA.

The camera rooms in slowly on the terrifying, orange form.

DROVER: [OC, whispering in horror] What the [beep], Boyle?

[CUT]

DILLON places JAR-JAR BINKS (Star Wars) beside GRITTY.

A choking noise is heard off-camera.

DROVER: [OC] I want it to be known that I am learning so many things against my will.

[CUT]

BARRETT, blushing, adds MR TUMNUS (Narnia).

[CUT]

CHOUINARD places a paper Yzma (Emperor's New Groove) on the cake with a smile and a wave at the camera.

[CUT]

HOLLANDER, now smiling politely, but with his hair sticking up in all directions, shyly adds LIGHTNING MCQUEEN (Cars).

[CUT]

HAAS, ears and cheeks pink, carefully finds a space on the left side of the cake to place SULLY (Monsters Inc).

HAAS: [quietly] He looks like he would give good hugs.

Clattering is heard off-camera, before ROZANOV runs into frame to wrap HAAS up in a hug that lifts his feet off the ground.

[CUT]

The camera rooms in to show a close-up of the final cake.

[text overlay: Which character is most controversial?]

At the PHI-NYA home match later that week, Gritty is broadcast on national television wearing a t-shirt with Boyle's face photoshopped onto a red heart, surrounded by the words GRITTY&BOYLE 4EVA. Someone on the team prints a screenshot, laminates it, and sticks it up in Boyle's cubby. He doesn't take it down.

NOVEMBER 2019

While the October video had been objectively hilarious and, statistically, a runaway success, working overtime to manage the bigotry and bruised ego of an over-paid, over-emotional manbaby (who will remain anonymous, but his name rhymes with 'towel') is not good for his health or his love life. So he dials it back a bit for November, opting for something he can easily manage and control in the post-edit.

VIDEO UPLOADED TO ALL CENTAURS OFFICIAL SOCIAL MEDIA CHANNELS.

[CENTAURS LOGO OVERLAYED WITH TEXT: CENTAURS' PASS THE PHONE CHALLENGE]

HARRIS DROVER: [voiceover] Let's see how many rounds it takes to get everyone in the team.

The camera is set up to show the rink in the background, with the open rink access gate in the foreground.

YOUNG appears in the foreground, stepping off the ice in full gear; other players can be seen running drills in the background.

YOUNG: I'm passing the phone to the player who gives safe sex lectures to all the rookies.

DROVER: [OC] Really?

YOUNG pulls his helmet off and shrugs.

YOUNG: You said anything, man.

[CUT]

Same scene, but the ice is now empty. ROZANOV is leaning against the boards, clipboard in one hand.

ROZANOV: I'm passing the phone to the player with a weak backhand.

[CUT]

The camera is in a hallway somewhere in the Centaurs' practice rink. HOLLANDER is walking down the hallway towards the camera in gym clothes, hair damp and face sweaty.

HOLLANDER: I'm passing the phone to the player with no filter.

[CUT]

The camera is in the Centaurs' locker room. ROZANOV appears wearing only a towel, clearly headed for the showers.

ROZANOV: Wait, why do I have it again?

DROVER: [OC] Just play the game, Roz.

ROZANOV: Ugh, fine. I'm passing the phone to the player with terrible music taste.

[CUT]

The camera is in the training gym, showing various players using the treadmills, rowing machines, and bikes. In the foreground, sitting on an exercise bike, is DYKSTRA. One headphone is pulled out of his ear, and you can faintly hear unidentifiable, tinny music coming from it.

DYKSTRA: What did they say about me?

DROVER: [OC] You'll find out when I post the video.

DYKSTRA: How do I know what to say?

DROVER: [OC] Say literally anything.

DYKSTRA: I'm passing the phone to the reason I need therapy.

[CUT]

Same shot, but DYKSTRA is gone. ROZANOV enters the gym wearing a too-small, late-2000s era Centaurs t-shirt. He is clearly surprised to see Harris there with the camera.

ROZANOV: Again?!

[CUT]

ROZANOV: [sighs] I'm passing the phone to my biological son.

[CUT]

The camera is just inside the players' entrance at the Centaurs' home arena. HAAS enters in a pastel blue game day suit. He spots Harris and grins widely, clearly expecting this.

HAAS: I'm passing the phone to one of my childhood heros.

[CUT]

Same shot, but this time HOLLANDER is entering the arena with ROZANOV, both wearing black game day suits.

HOLLANDER: Me again? Uh, okay.
He pauses, looks off camera anxiously, and leans closer.

HOLLANDER: [in a whisper] I'm passing the phone to the player who spent five figures in one baby shop. In under an hour.

[CUT]

BOODRAM: I'm passing the phone to-

[CUTS BACK TO SHANE]

DROVER: [OC] Wait. Did Zane really spend that much??

SHANE: [visibly confused] What? No! That was Ilya. Buying baby shower gifts.

[CUT]

The camera is in a small office, pointing towards the door. ROZANOV is leaning in the doorway, arms crossed, smirking.

ROZANOV: I am popular, no?

[CUT]

ROZANOV: [still smirking] I'm passing the phone to player who is most like kitten.

[CUT]

The camera is back in the locker room, facing a wall of named cubbies. HOLLANDER is sitting on bench in front of his cubby. You can see ROZANOV's cubby to his right, LAPOINTE's to his left. HOLLANDER is in practice gear, face red and sweaty as he bends down to untie his skates.

HOLLANDER: What did Ilya say?

DROVER: [OC] He said you were a kitten.

HOLLANDER sighs and drops his head into his hands.

HOLLANDER: I'm passing the phone to literally anyone but Ilya.

DROVER: [OC] You have to do it properly.

HOLLANDER: [frowning] Fine. I'm passing the phone to the player whose tape job is a hate crime.
[Grumpy kitten meme pops up on screen next to HOLLANDER's face; there is a striking resemblance.]

[CUT]

The camera is in a hotel lobby, facing the glass doors which lead outside. A large bus can just be seen parked outside. The doors slide open and HOLMBERG stumbles in, bag slung over his shoulder, looking tired and slightly baffled.

HOLMBERG: Uh, I'm passing the phone to my roomie.

[CUT]

The camera is in a hotel restaurant, breakfast buffet laid out in the background, a round, wooden table in the foreground. YOUNG slumps into an empty chair, cradling a large cup of hot coffee. He stares into it like it has the answers to the universe.

YOUNG: I'm passing the phone to the reason I'm so fucking tired.

[CUT]

The camera is in a hotel lobby, facing the bank of elevators. The center elevator's doors slide open, revealing two men in Centaurs' branded tracksuits. ROZANOV is at the front; HOLLANDER is behind him with his hood up, clearly trying not to be seen. ROZANOV is wide awake and delighted to see DROVER.

ROZANOV: Me again! Okey. I'm passing the phone to player who got a shut out last night!

[CUT]

The camera is moving down the aisle of the team airplane. The dimmed lights and sleeping players suggests it's a night flight. It pauses at HAYES, who is sitting in the aisle seat, reading a comic; HAAS is fast asleep in the window seat.

HAYES: I'm passing the phone to our team's designated grill master and star of BBQing with Bood.

[CUT]

Same setting, but this time the camera shows BOODRAM in a window seat, silk hair wrap on and sleep mask pushed up to his forehead. The seat beside him is empty, but a discarded hoodie suggests someone has been sitting there.

BOODRAM:  I'm passing the phone to the player who is the reason I now own a fire extinguisher.

[CUT]

The camera is in a non-descript parking lot, a large bus in the foreground. LAPOINTE steps off the bus in a sharp, dark purple suit, freezing when he sees DROVER.

LAPOINTE:  [sighs] Bood told on me, didn't he?

DROVER: [OC]  No comment.

LAPOINTE:  I'm passing the phone to my liney.

[CUT]

The camera is in an away locker room, all players in various states of dress, going through their own game-day routines. The nearest player turns to face the camera.

CHOUINARD: Ooh, finally! Um. [bleep]  I thought this would be easier. Who is left?

DROVER: [OC] Doesn't matter. Just go with whatever.

CHOUINARD:  I'm passing the phone to the best driver on the team.

[CUT]

The same setting, but camera flips to selfie mode, showing a grinning DROVER.

DROVER: I'm passing the phone to my passenger princess.

[CUT]

The same locker room, but this time full of screaming, sweaty men on a high from their win. BARRETT runs toward the camera.

[CUT]

Same setting, but BARRETT is now standing in front of the camera, grinning.

BARRETT: I'm passing the phone to the players who got the winning goal and assist!

The room erupts into cheers and the sound of sticks being drummed on the floor.

BOYLE and DILLON are lifted up onto the shoulders of the other players and carried to the front. The camera rooms in on their grinning faces.

[END]

Harris thought he'd struck a good balance between genuine and professional. When #hollanov starts trending (again) and the video view count exceeds ten million, Harris sends Yuna a heads up, Shane an apology, and turns off his phone.