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I think I cracked a rib? I don't—I'm not sure. I can't breathe right and my ears are ringing and it hurts.
I was doing an EVA for the new fuel tanks, it should've been fine but I think my tethers got messed up or something and I just remember slamming into the side of the ship. My head aches and I feel like I'm going to throw up—maybe I hit my head?
I can't take a full breath and my chest throbs every time I try but I'm panicking and I can't stop myself from hyperventilating as I slowly float away from the hull.
Rocky's on the Blip-A. He's not on the radio. He has no reason to think I'm not okay, and no reason to look outside with the cameras on his ship. Even if he could somehow hear me I don't think I can even shout, my short breaths are coming out as wheezes.
I curl up into a ball, as much as I can in the clunky EVA suit. It only makes my chest hurt worse. I wrap my right arm around my side like it'll make the pain go away and a wave of fatigue washes over me.
I'm stuck. My heart feels like it's in my throat. I can't get back to the airlock. Rocky's not here. My head hurts and my arm hurts and my chest hurts and I can't get my breathing to slow down and there's nothing I can do. I don't even remember what happened, it's all foggy. That's a familiar feeling. All I know is that I'm in pain and I can't get any air in and I feel like I'm going to vomit.
Oh God, I'm stuck out here.
I glance around desperately, but I don't even know what I'm looking for. I'm dizzy, it almost feels like I'm spinning. I can't focus on anything. Tau Ceti illuminates the ship, but other than that it's dark. It's all dark. I don't—I don't know where I am. Tears start to coat my eyes, and my vision blurs. I close my eyes.
I can't get myself to move. It's like my body's shutting down. I can't get back to the ship. I don't know if it's because of however I injured myself or if it's—just in my head. It doesn't matter either way. God, I can't breathe.
I know I'm still attached to the hull, I know my tether is there, but I can't think straight and it feels like I'm just floating here. I'm trapped. My head's muddy, I'm disoriented, it's like any—any intelligible thought is just gone.
…Am I going to die? I'll run out of oxygen eventually, and I might be bleeding internally. And something's wrong with my head.
I need to get back into the ship.
I need to.
I wonder how long it'll be before I lose consciousness.
It's so quiet, the only thing I can hear is my stilted breathing as I stay motionless.
Then—
"Grace, question?"
Rocky's voice comes through the radio. My hyperventilating is interrupted by my breath hitching, my chest throbs again and I have to stop myself from crying out.
"You are okay, question?" I can hear the anxiety in his voice. I shake my head even though he can't see it. It only makes the dizziness worse.
"Grace, question?" I can't calm my breathing down enough to respond properly, but I manage to make a sort of strangled noise. I'm not sure if it even goes through the radio.
"Grace, question?!"
"I can't—I don't—" I choke out. A coughing fit takes over, the pain in my chest flares up all over again and I give up trying to choke anything back. I sob.
"Get to airlock. Come back inside."
"I can't—" I gasp for breath. I keep thinking maybe the pain will just become background noise after a while but it's still as piercing as ever.
"You are hurt, question?" Rocky asks.
"Yes. I can't—I can't get back to the airlock, I'm not on the—the hull, I'm stuck—I—"
"What hurt, question?"
Grimacing, I respond, "My chest, and my—my head. My arm, the burns—"
"Can move, question? Or hurt too much, question?"
"I'm not—I'm not hurt too much to move but—"
"Grab tether."
"What?" I wheeze out.
"Grab tether. Pull self back to hull."
"I don't—Rocky I don't know if I—"
"You can."
"I can't breathe—"
"Grab tether."
"Rocky—"
"Grace. Grab tether. Can do it."
"I can't—I—"
"Try."
I make some noise that sounds like a mix between a grunt and a whimper. I blindly wave my arm around until it hits something. I grab it with all the strength I have.
"I have it."
"Good. Pull self to ship."
"I..don't—Rocky I don't—"
I feel like my brain's shutting down.
"Grab tether with other hand." Slowly, I open my eyes and follow his instruction. "Keep moving hands forward. Over and over."
It takes longer than I want to admit.
And then, finally, I reach forward and hit a solid surface. I breathe a sigh of relief, and start coughing.
"I'm at the—the hull." I feel like I'm suffocating.
"Good good good."
"The airlock—I don't know—"
"Can see it, question?"
"I think so? I'm—I'm disoriented, I don't—I'm not sure."
"Take first tether off ship. Put back on next railing. Head in direction of airlock."
"Rocky—"
"Go slow. Go careful. I stay here. I will be here when you go through airlock."
"O..okay."
Slowly, painstakingly slowly, centimetre by centimetre, foot by foot, rail by rail, I move my way along the ship. I have to pause to take breaks. But we make progress. Rocky talks to me the whole time, repeating instructions as many times as I need.
And then I'm by the open airlock door. I stop right outside it.
"I'm here."
"Good good good. Come in, come in. I am here."
As soon as I'm in the airlock I collapse. I don't care I'm in zero-g, I collapse anyways. I know Rocky's on the other side of the door, I can hear talking to me over the radio. But I don't respond. I turn the radio off and just float there, crying.
Something's wrong. I can't breathe, but it feels different this time. It's not the same as when I panic like this. It feels like I can't take a full breath even if I wanted to.
I need to get the EVA suit off.
I need to get through the airlock.
I can't move.
I can feel too much of the LCVG on my skin and the suit itself is suffocatingly heavy. I like pressure and weight, sometimes, but not like this. I'm frozen in place. I can't stay here forever. But I know I can move. And I don't really have a choice. I can cry and sob and hyperventilate as much as I want, but I need to cycle the airlock and get out of the EVA suit.
Trying to put the pain out of my mind, I flip up the sun visor, twist myself around, and reach for the outer airlock door. It takes more effort than it usually does to get it closed and wrangle the hatch crank shut. I feel like I'm going to pass out. I blink and shake my head in an attempt to get the tears off my eyes, but it only works so well. I kick myself over to the primary lever and rotate it to start the cycling sequence. And then I wait.
The pain in my torso hits me full force as soon as I'm still and I have to bite back a sob. As the air slowly filtres back into the airlock, the noise from the pump fades in. It gets louder and louder, and I shut my eyes as tightly as I can. I don't remember it being this loud.
Everything's too overwhelming. So much hurts, I'm dizzy and nauseous, I can't breathe, I'm exhausted, I feel like my heart is going to beat through my chest, I can't stop crying, the noise is only increasing, and it's all too much.
And I can't do anything about it. Crying won't help, I'm already doing that. I can't take any pain meds or go curl up in the dormitory until I feel better, I'm trapped in the airlock until the cycle is done. I can't see or talk to Rocky, he's on the other side of the door and if I have to hear any more noise right now…I don’t know. I don't know what to do. I'm stuck all over again. It's the same in here as it was out there. I feel light-headed. Am I going to pass out?
I try to control my breathing, but I can't. I just can't get the oxygen in. Not the way I should be able to. I think something's really, really wrong. I need help. I need Rocky. I need all the noise to stop and I need to get out of this airlock because there's dots at the edge of my vision and I can't breathe.
And then the pump stops. The cycle's finished. And it's quiet again.
I stay still for a moment. The silence is nice. It's kind of comforting in a way, honestly.
I check the airlock controls, just in case. The pressure has returned to normal and the light's green. I open the inner airlock door and Rocky's there, just like he'd said he'd be, floating in his xenonite ball.
"Grace, question?!" The only thing I can hear in his voice is full-blown panic.
"I'm here—" I say, clumsily pushing myself into the control room.
"You were silent, not respond! You are okay, question?!"
"I'm—I don't know—"
"What happen, question?"
"I don't—I can't breathe—"
"Grace—"
The control room is bright, there's too many screens and at least three things are flashing.
"Something's wrong—Rocky—I—I don't—" I cut myself off with a noise I don't even know how to describe. There's just so much going on.
And I just start sobbing. Full crying breakdown. And it hurts. My head throbs and pain shoots through my side over and over again. Rocky's trying to talk to me but with the combination of my disorientation and how loudly I'm crying I don't process anything he's saying.
I want to apologise, for pulling him out of whatever he was working on over on the Blip-A, for scaring him so badly, for ignoring him in the airlock, for making him deal with all this, but I can't get any words out.
I can't stop. I don't—I don't know how long I go on for. My face is drenched with tears and mucus, with more of it floating around in my helmet. I'm damp and sweaty, there's still too much touching my skin, I can't see anything clearly through the liquid coating my eyes but everything is still so bright, my throat hurts from crying so hard, I just—
I feel like I'm dying.
...And I feel like I'm moving.
I feel something pressing against legs, and then my back. And then my sides.
I fumble around blindly with my hands. I'm pressed up against a hard surface, and as my arm reaches farther I feel the handle to the now closed airlock door. I'm by the airlock. Using the handle as leverage, I push myself down to the floor.
I'm leaning against the wall. And I see a very familiar dark blob in front of me.
"Rock—Rocky?" I manage to sob out, eventually.
I hear some vague notes, but I can't understand what he's saying.
"I don't—I can't—I—" I gasp for breath, wince, and try again. "N—no understand."
He hums something. I don't know what, but it...sounds good. I think. My head is pounding.
"Sorry I just—" another sob. "Give...second," I say, holding up one finger. I don't know why talking like Rocky feels like it helps, but it does. I'll take anything I can get.
I have that now and I hold on to it with everything I have. I close my eyes. I curl up. I wrap my arms around my helmet. I focus on the feeling of the wall on my side and the floor on my legs. And I try to brute-force my way out of this.
Okay. What's wrong?
"Head hurts. Dizzy. Eyes swollen. Throat—throat hurts. Nauseous. Chest hurts. Arm hurts. Fatigued. Disoriented. Can't breathe." I can hear the fear in my own voice. I try to think of anything else. There's the overwhelming feeling of the LCVG and EVA suit but I don't know how to say that right now, so I don't. At some point I started rocking myself back and forth, I don't know when—or why. But, okay.
"On ship, in command room. By airlock. Rocky in front of me."
"Yes," Rocky says.
I look up at him.
"Rocky," I breathe.
"Yes," he says again. "Hi Grace."
"Hi..."
"Breathe."
I nod.
It doesn't come easy but it comes...easier.
"Safe. Inside ship. Not outside. I am here."
"You are here," I repeat.
"Ship is okay. I am okay."
"Both okay."
"Good good good."
"Good good good."
I keep rocking. It's not the smoothest thing, in zero-g. Actually, it's less rocking and more using a handle on the airlock door to tilt myself back and forth. But it feels nice, in a way I didn't expect.
"Apology."
"No apology."
"...Apology still."
"No apology."
"A—"
"No. Focus on breathe."
I do. It calms down. I still can't breathe properly, but it's better. It's a lot better.
He pushed me against the wall so I would have something to hold on to, I realise. Something to focus on. Thank God for Rocky.
It's a long while before anything else happens. As the adrenaline fades away, the fatigue takes its place. I'm exhausted. We sit there, together. Occasionally he'll say something, and I'll repeat it. But it's quiet again.
Okay. On to the next thing.
I straighten up. "Need to get out of suit."
"Yes yes," Rocky says, manoeuvring his xenonite container away to give me more space. I don't move immediately, I need a moment. And then I push myself away from the wall.
I manage to get the back hatch of the suit open and wiggle myself out enough to disconnect the LCVG from the suit's water system, before taking off the headset and kicking the EVA suit away from me entirely. Now the only sensation I can focus on is the skin-tight LCVG and the gloves and cap that go along with it. I wipe the tears that are built up on my eyes. Going as fast as I can without losing dexterity, I take off the gloves, remove the cap, unzip the front of the LCVG, and start peeling it away from me. I try not to look at my chest.
And then it's off. And I can see the discolouration blooming across my left side. There's a concerning amount of blue. My eyes glaze over as I stare at it, and then my hands start trembling.
"…Grace, question?"
My breathing speeds up again. I stay quiet. What happened? What did I manage to do that slammed me into the ship so hard it caused…this? I don't know, and I hate that I don't know. I'm used to gaps in my memory from Earth at this point but not short-term stuff like this. It's familiar but it's terrifying. I can't look away from my chest. An all-too-familiar feeling works its way up my throat and I turn my head to the side to throw up in the vague direction of the airlock. All the muscles in my stomach seizing up only makes my ribs hurt worse. I dissolve into a coughing fit, curling up in the middle of the room.
"Breathe, breathe, breathe," Rocky repeats.
I do, until the coughing and lingering nausea is gone.
I didn't vomit in the EVA suit, so…that's good. I think I'm concussed.
I'm so tired.
"Grace…" Rocky says worriedly. "Need to go to dormitory. You are injured. Something is wrong."
"Can you hear anything, que—" I cut myself off before I finish, cringing. Then I pause. Then I mentally shrug. I've done enough stupid stuff in front of Rocky. Besides, I'm already copying his word order, copying his grammar rules isn't even that much worse. Does it make any sense? No. I'm saying more words than I would be otherwise. But it helps, for some reason. So whatever. "Can you hear anything, question?"
"Yes…bone in chest is broken. Left lung is small. Much room outside it."
"Room outside my lung, question?"
"Yes. Oxygen outside lung, I think."
Oh…God.
I need to get to the medical robot. Like, now.
"Dormitory," I whisper.
"Yes yes yes," Rocky says. He's scared.
I manoeuvre myself to the hatch leading to the lab and Rocky follows close behind me, moving along with his magnets.
I'm barely inside the bedroom before I wheeze, "computer, help!"
"Chest injury. Bruising, swelling. Possible internal injuries. Breathing distress," it says. "Triage result: oxygen assist, sedate."
I'm already in my bunk by the time the mechanical arms reach for me, needle and nasal cannula in hand.
They start manhandling me, but the exhaustion is catching up fast.
"Rocky?" my voice slurs.
"Is okay, sleep. Anything go wrong, I wake you up."
I feel the IV go in. "Pr'mise?"
"Yes. Sleep, Grace. I watch."
When I wake up, the first things I notice are that I can breathe again, and I'm still tired. I don't want to open my eyes yet.
"Grace, question?"
"Hi, Rocky," I whisper.
"How are feeling, question?"
"…Better."
"Good good."
"'M tired."
"Many liquids go through tube in you hand."
I hum. Good old pain meds.
"How..." I pause for a second. "How long was I asleep?"
"Twenty-five thousand, seven hundred and eighty-six seconds."
I don't feel like converting that into hours right now.
"Are you okay?"
"Yes. No worry about me. Keep sleeping if need to."
"Y' sure?" I mumble.
"Yes. I watch."
I nod slowly.
"...Thanks, Rocky."
And then I'm out again.
I've been awake for a bit, but I haven't actually gotten up yet. I'm not groggy anymore but I want to give myself some time before I move or talk. Or think.
Eventually, I gradually work up the motivation to open my eyes, and immediately regret it. The lights are still on and they're blinding. I blink a few times to adjust, and as I do I can hear Rocky re-situating himself. I give myself a moment before I look down at myself. There's an IV going into my hand and a small tube going into my left side. My chest is still blotchy and a little swollen. Other than that, it looks like I'm okay.
"Computer, diagnosis?" I ask.
"Rib fracture, collapsed lung, concussion," it says.
Okay. That's…not good, but it's about what I expected, too.
"Robot arms put tube in you chest while you sleep," Rocky says. He's still in the xenonite ball, floating by my bed.
"It gets the oxygen out of my chest so my lung can re-expand, I think. Or…something like that."
"Glad you are okay."
"Me too." I look up at the ceiling. I take a few deep breaths. It hurts, but not as much as I expected. Presumably the computer's been giving regular doses of pain medication. But mostly it feels nice. Just to breathe deeply again.
After a while, I undo the top strap keeping me from floating away from my bed and "sit up." That underlying pain is still there, but it's going to hurt no matter what.
"Computer, how long was I asleep for?"
"Patient was unconscious for eleven hours and forty-seven minutes."
I turn to Rocky. "How long did you say I slept before?"
"Twenty-six thousand, seven hundred and eighty-six seconds."
Almost seven and a half hours...so over nineteen hours total.
"Jeez...got my beauty rest, I guess," I say, rubbing my eyes.
"No understand."
Yawning, I wave him off. "I'll explain later."
Still, that seems like a lot. Not that I know the amount of drugs to give someone with my injuries but, still.
"Do...do you remember the last time I slept before all that? I don't."
"...No."
Well, that explains it. Or part of it, at least. Plus the adrenaline and the hours of EVA work I'd already done...yeah. Makes sense.
Rocky settles at the foot of my bed, magnetising to the frame.
"...What happen, question?"
I take a deep breath—and, gosh, it really feels good. I mean, I'm sore and it hurts, but it feels so good.
I focus back on Rocky. Right, he asked me a question. "I…I don't know? I don't remember. I was out doing an EVA for the…the fuel tanks, and I think my tethers got caught maybe? Or tangled? I just remember slamming into the side of the ship. Then I couldn't remember the last thirty minutes, and everything hurt and I couldn't breathe right, so I started panicking and my breathing got worse and worse. I got dizzy and nauseous, too. I just couldn't calm myself down, and I couldn't really get myself to move."
"When said you stuck, that is what you mean, question?" Rocky asks.
"Yeah. I just—froze up. And then once I could move, it was…so much? The pain from just trying was overwhelming, I couldn't stop crying and I felt like I was gonna pass out. And I could feel the suit on my skin and it made me feel like I was suffocating."
"Why touch sense bad, question?"
I sigh and readjust myself in my bed under the remaining straps. "Sometimes, certain sensory input is bad for me. Or—it's bad to me. Lots of loud sounds, quick changes in lights, touching certain things, that kind of stuff can make me panic. It's a me thing, it doesn't happen to all humans. Just some of us. Like, sometimes all of the sudden the only thing I can focus on is how much clothing is touching my skin and I stop—functioning right. Usually I'll just take off whatever is bothering me but…can't do that during an EVA. So I just had to push through it, and the pain, and the panic. And I just couldn't move or think properly..."
"Scary. I am sorry."
"Oh. …Yeah. Uh, thanks." That kind of panic has always been something I've just kind of dealt with. Sucked it up and moved on. Had a moment to myself here and there when I could, but mostly just tried to keep working until I couldn't anymore. I never really thought it was something that deserved any sympathy before. Speaking of—
"And thank you. For helping me, I mean. Over the radio. I was never really—taught what to do when I get like that." Or at least I don't remember it. I think I eventually figured out how to help myself on my own back on Earth but I don't remember any of that either.
"Relieved I help. Can only do so much from here." He gestures around his ball.
I nod.
It's not like everything would be going super smoothly if I did remember, but it sure would make it all a heck of a lot easier.
"And I'm sorry I stopped responding in the airlock. And for the breakdown and—everything. I'm sorry."
"No say sorry. Was just worried. Could hear you again once airlock cycled but before was scared you too hurt, or something bad happen."
"No, I was okay. ...Relatively. I just couldn't really handle any noise. I'm sorry."
"You are okay. I not worried about sorry."
"I know I scared you, though. And made you panic, and I interrupted whatever you were working on—" hold on. "Wait, how did you know to get on the radio?
"I not know. Was on Blip-A but…did not want to be alone anymore, so I go find you. Could not, then realise could not hear the airlock. Guess door was open and you outside. I guess right. And no more apology, I not care. Not fun, yes, but you are okay and alive. Always worth that.
"Oh."
"You are not secondary. You are important, Grace."
I look down at my hands.
"Important to planet, but also important to me. Do not forget."
I can feel tears welling up again.
"Grace, question?"
"Y-yeah?"
"Promise to remember, question?"
"Yeah…yeah, okay."
"Good."
I don't—I don't really know how, but I'll try. I'm not used to being someone's priority like that.
The conversation lulls, and the silence becomes loud.
"Does that ever happen to you?"
"What, question?"
"Oh—uh, like, get overwhelmed. The way I was saying earlier."
"From too much noise, question?"
"Yeah."
"Sometimes. Different way than you, but similar."
"What do you do? To help, I mean."
"Repeating. Do same thing over and over, even just tapping on surface. Sometimes count. Give something simple to focus on, and will always know what will happen. On Erid, Adrian also help. Before you come here, when I alone on ship, too much noise not problem. Too little noise. Used to wish there was simple ways to block out noise, like human eyelids and tragus can do. Did not wish that once crew died. I make noise on ship, talk to self a lot. Sometimes would not say actual words, just…"
"Random sounds?"
"Yes. Is weird, but it help."
"No, I understand. I do the same thing."
"I know. You are not quiet."
Before I can respond, he adds, "is okay, I not mind. Is nice. If you always make noise, I always know I am not alone anymore."
"Oh."
"Humans weird and loud. But you are friend and you are human. So I like the weird and loud."
I smile softly. "Why don't I ever hear you making noises though? Are they just at frequencies I can't hear?"
"Some would be, but I try to not make noise now. After so much quiet, now sometimes feels very loud. Do not want to add to noise. Need time to adjust, probably long time…was quiet for long time. But do not mind noise that you make. You…you are good."
I nod and, yet again, try to keep the dang tears back. I don't want to cry anymore.
It feels like it's been a long time since I didn't have to worry about how I act around someone. It feels nice.
"I'm glad...I'm glad that helps. Both of us."
"Agree. Have question, also."
"Yeah?"
"Is that why you talked like me, question? Because it help, question?"
Oh. Right.
"I...I think so? I've never done something like that before. I couldn't get all the words out, so I just focused on some of them. And it felt easier, and it made me feel better. It was the only thing that I really had, during all of that, so I just...stuck with it."
"Good. Glad it help."
"It wasn't weird?"
"Small weird. But remember, I not mind weird. Is good you find things that help."
"Yeah…"
I look down at my hands in my lap. I've been picking at my cuticles. I hadn't noticed.
"I thought I might die, while I was out there," I say, suddenly. Rocky twitches. "There was something wrong with my head and I don't know if I could have gotten back without you helping me. Safely, at least. I don't know…I think a 'thank you' is enough, for that. Or for everything else. Saving me at Adrian and the Astrophage and the fuel tanks…" I take a deep breath, and grimace. "I just want you to know I appreciate it. It's just—I don't think there's words in either of our languages that can really say how much I appreciate it."
Rocky shifts closer to me in the xenonite container. "I know."
"I—"
"Grace. I know."
"I just don't know how to properly thank you. I want to."
"Save Earth. Save Erid. Together. I cannot save my planet without you. You help is more than enough. Cannot thank enough for that. You are reason I will see home again, why I will see Adrian again. You are reason why my people will live. Do not worry, Grace. I know."
"Okay," I say quietly. My voice is unsteady.
Rocky readjusts, grabbing one of his handholds with a different claw. He gives me a moment before continuing.
"No more EVAs without radio now. You always let me know when leave ship, and always keep radio on. I do same. Just in case."
"Are you sure? It'd probably get annoying."
He fidgets. "…I do not like when I cannot hear you."
"Oh…" Right. "Yeah, of course."
"Thank."
"I'll be sure to make a bunch of weird noises the whole time. Really gross ones."
He shifts his carapace left and right in annoyance. "Then next time I leave you outside."
"Hey, I thought you like how I'm a weird and loud human!"
"Are still gross!"
I laugh and gently lay back down in my bed. The tube feels weird every time I move.
"I'll make sure you can hear me."
"Good good. Thank."
He taps his fingers on the xenonite rhythmically, and I wait for him to say whatever he's ruminating over.
"Have other question."
"Yeah?"
"I sleep, you watch, question?"
"Oh! Yeah, yeah, sleep. I'll watch."
"Or you need more sleep now, question? Can wait."
"No, I'm fine. Sleep."
"Are sure, question?"
"Go to sleep. I still need to see what my recovery plan even is anyways. And eat."
"Okay. If sure."
I push his xenonite ball away from the bed with my foot. "Go to sleep."
He starts making his way over to the airlock and cycles through to his side of the room.
"Good night, Grace."
"Good night, Rocky."
I know I could check my prognosis now, but I don't yet. I wait until Rocky's situated. He stops moving, and then his breathing speeds up like always. And then he's asleep.
I usually do something when Rocky's out. Depending on how mobile the device my chest tube is connected to, I could go up to the control room. I need to put away the EVA suit and clean up the vomit, it shouldn't take too long. I should also check on the Taumoeba soon. But this time I stay in the dormitory.
Just in case.