Work Text:
It only takes one bottle of cheap wine for Julien to be stumbling slightly as he goes up the stairs to the room he is sharing with Occtis tonight. He has another in hand that he plans to drain as soon as he is laid down and in bed. Sliding the key into the lock, he opens the door, and enters the room, falling onto the bed when he reaches it. Occtis is sat at the other one, cross legged and with a book in hand, but Julien couldn’t care less today. Caring first for getting out of his outerwear, Julien makes quick time of removing the armor and weaponry, leaving him in just pants and a loose undershirt, the rest discarded onto the floor. It is unlike him usually but it is what it is.
Now he can finally uncork the second bottle, and he takes a long swig. The day had started painfully, but they had a job to do, duty always comes first. So Julien played the part of a good soldier, and took solace in the fact they would be staying in a town today. Being perfectly honest with himself, he is not even sure when they did most of the day, spending more time lost in his own head than out of it with the group. It’s not like any of them noticed, so it turned out ok.
This wine really tastes like shit, but that was partly the point when he bought it. They are close enough to the Orchard that almost all good vintages are Davinos, and he can’t deal with any more memories that may come with that. He’s already done that before and it almost tore the knight in two.
Every swig makes his mind blurrier.. Thoughts are hard now, exactly what Julien wants. If he finishes this soon, paired with his still empty stomach, Julien might actually be able to pass out and not deal with any of the memories that threaten to break through to the forefront of his shattered mind.
Going to take another drink with closed eyes, Julien is startled when the bottle is ripped from his hand and a very irritated looking Occtis stands above him now holding the bottle.
“I was drinking that,” Julien protests, not able to put any real heat behind the words even though he is quite miffed at the turn in events.
Occtis glowers down at him, “You have had more than enough tonight,” Occtis starts to re-cork the bottle, “Why the hell are you getting piss drunk anyways?”
“It’s not enough, need enough to sleep and not deal with today. I don’t want to deal with today,” Julien hears the words slip out surprisingly steady for the state he is in and far more truthful than he would ever normally allow. Occtis looks like he's about to argue more, but now that the words are coming, Julien can’t stop them even as he desperately tries to, “He’s not coming back. You did but he can’t and that's not fair. He should have come back with you.”
Occtis looks almost stunned at what he's saying, recognition passing across his face. Then he does something that Julien would never in a million years have been able to predict, and sits down beside him. Occtis watches him closely as he does, all anxious and moving slowly. He seems to be watching Julien for any signs that he will get angry, but when he doesn’t, Occis relaxes slightly into the spot.
Out of all of their companions, Occtis is the only one here who might understand what Julien feels right now and even if he doesn’t, the boy isn’t likely to spill. So throwing all caution to the wind, Julien lets his thoughts flow freely, the dam finally breaking. “Why didn’t I get to have more time with him? I wanted so much more time,” Julien feels the tears start to flow pitifully, “He will only know me as a drunk and a whore and a bad person. I never got to tell him the truth. All of those are true too but I never got to tell him the rest.”
A hand brushes through Julien’s hair and Occtis’s voice is so soft when he starts to talk, even as doubt bleeds into the words, “I believe he was proud of you, he knew the truth.”
“No he didn’t! I never told him and I never will!” he exclaims like a child.
“I’m- I’m sorry Julien,” Occtis looks so pained when he says it that Julien believes him. This wasn’t the boy’s fault. Despite everything, it wasn’t the boys fault. It was his.
They sit like that for a while, Occtis’s cool fingers tracing over Julien’s scalp and through his hair, soothing him in a way so unfamiliar that it makes more tears flow. Memories of his father run through Julien’s mind, replaying their best and worst moments together. Every single one of them stabs like a sword through the gut, but the memories are all he has, so Julien lets them flip through his brain like a play. They were supposed to have so much more time. Time for one more fight. One more hug. More time to reconcile. More time for Julien to learn from him. More advice. A chance to come clean. A chance for Julien to become better than the sorry, ugly thing he is and become a proper son. There was supposed to be so much more time.
“Why- why today?” Occtis asks, trepidation clear in his tone.
Julien curls further into himself.
“It was his birthday today.”
Julien’s voice breaks as he says it, and a sob rips from his throat. His father wasn’t even allowed to make it to his next birthday. They were supposed to celebrate tonight. Julien had already approved the time away from Castle Torch. They were all going to meet in the Orchard. But now the Orchard is gone and his father is too and what does that mean for Julien? There was a time so many years ago where Julien would have asked him. But then the war came and went and he asked his father for a lot less after that. He wishes he would have asked for more back then.
Julien whispers “I just wish things were different.”
“Back when the Shapers were still around there were tales of a spell that could grant a wish. Only the most powerful mages could cast it, but the stories say that any wish could be granted if the shapers didn’t deem it too devastating to the world,” Occtis looks sullen, and Julien feels a pang of grief for the boy, soul scattered across the winds. It's not hard to imagine what his wish may be. But Occtis just bites his lip, “I don’t know if those stories are true, and even if they were I don’t know if we would ever be able to find that sort of magic again. But it's a nice thought.”
“It’s a really nice thought,” Julien agrees.
“Get some rest Julien. I’ll be here in the morning.”
Julien nods, and closes his eyes. Occtis’s weight never leaves the bed, and his hand stays softly running through his long curls. He does not know the moment wakefulness passes into sleep, but when Julien awakes in the morning, Occtis is slumped next to him in a trance.